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00:00:04Live from Hollywood at the Donald J. Trump Chinese Theater, it's the first annual Trumps,
00:00:09the awards honoring the best in being or succumbing to President Trump.
00:00:13And now, your host, President Donald J. Trump.
00:00:21Thank you so much.
00:00:23It truly is an honor to be here hosting the Trumps.
00:00:26After that lady whose name I already forget gave me her Nobel Prize,
00:00:31I thought, I need more awards.
00:00:33And after what all my little freaks and psychos and ice have been doing,
00:00:37I need more distractions.
00:00:39Look, everything's gold and shiny.
00:00:42And what a crowd we have tonight.
00:00:44So many awful, terrible people in the house.
00:00:47I'd like to get a round of applause going for the nominees,
00:00:49but my doctors say if I clap, both my dead purple hands will explode with blood.
00:00:55There's probably nothing to worry about.
00:00:57Doctors say I could live to be 120 or current age.
00:01:02You know, this is such a special night.
00:01:04Everyone wants to go home with a Trump.
00:01:07Except, of course, Melania.
00:01:11Hilarious.
00:01:11Well, we've got a six-hour show ahead of us,
00:01:15so let's keep things spiraling.
00:01:17Here to present the award for best picture of me,
00:01:20our vice president for now, J.D. Vance,
00:01:23and president forever, Donald Trump.
00:01:29Hi, J.D.
00:01:31Hi, Donald.
00:01:32Say, did you know if that I win in 2028,
00:01:35I would be the first president in 100 years to have a beard?
00:01:38Wow, and speaking of your beard, how's your wife, Usha?
00:01:45Very good, sir.
00:01:47I'm insinuating you, Gay.
00:01:48The nominees for best picture of me are...
00:01:53Staring into the distance while man has medical emergency next to him.
00:01:59Molesting flags.
00:02:02Redacted FC5.
00:02:04And receiving another fake award
00:02:07that he made FIFA invent to give to himself.
00:02:10And the award goes to...
00:02:14It's Trump receiving another fake award.
00:02:18This is Donald Trump's first Trump award,
00:02:20even though he deserved to win hundreds of them,
00:02:22but Norway somehow blocked it.
00:02:25Wow, wow.
00:02:27This feels incredible.
00:02:28I love me.
00:02:29I really love me.
00:02:31I have so few people to thank.
00:02:33Myself and, of course, the big man upstairs,
00:02:36which is what I call my brain tumor.
00:02:38Yo!
00:02:39And if I could be serious for a moment,
00:02:41there is so much horrible stuff going on
00:02:43in our country and the world right now,
00:02:46but I promise you, I'm just getting started.
00:02:49Eric, go to bed!
00:02:52And now, please welcome the president of Argentina,
00:02:55Javier Millet.
00:02:59Leader, visionario y el chabón que posta recién me tiró
00:03:0320.000 millones de dólares.
00:03:06Todo esto describe a mi mejor amigo
00:03:08y el dueño de mi cuerpo ideal,
00:03:11Donald Trump.
00:03:14Por eso me pidió que entregue el premio
00:03:16Best Foreign Language Film.
00:03:21Nada.
00:03:23No.
00:03:25But he did include a check for another $10 billion.
00:03:31This guy is awesome, bro.
00:03:34All right.
00:03:35Adios, amigo.
00:03:36I'm taking this award.
00:03:38I'm taking Greenland, and I'm taking Zootopia.
00:03:40We love Zootopia.
00:03:41I love those guys.
00:03:43I recognize all those animals from my cognitive exams.
00:03:48Now here to present the award for Best Kiss
00:03:50are two legends of horror,
00:03:52Aunt Gladys from the movie Weapons
00:03:54and my immigration advisor, Stephen Miller.
00:04:01Hi, everyone.
00:04:04You know, I thought I was terrifying
00:04:06until I met this guy.
00:04:08Aw, thank you.
00:04:09The nominees for Best Kiss are...
00:04:15J.D. Vance, Trump's ass.
00:04:19Kristi Noem, Trump's ass.
00:04:23Kash Patel, Trump's ass.
00:04:26And Donald J. Trump, Putin's ass.
00:04:31And the winner is...
00:04:33Kristi Noem!
00:04:42Oh, wow.
00:04:43Oh, wow.
00:04:45Oh.
00:04:46Oh, wow.
00:04:47Wow.
00:04:47Well, I am, uh, honored
00:04:49and in no way dead inside to win a Trump.
00:04:52I feel like I should dedicate this award
00:04:55to President Trump.
00:04:56And I accept!
00:04:57Thank you, sweetie.
00:04:58Oh, oh, wait, but I won.
00:05:00I'm gonna let you finish,
00:05:01but Trump had one of the best videos of all time.
00:05:04Of all time.
00:05:05Kanye, you can go.
00:05:06Okay.
00:05:07I'll keep this short
00:05:08because I have a lot more awards to win tonight.
00:05:11I just want to thank my longtime agent,
00:05:14Loki, the god of mischief, trickery, and chaos.
00:05:17I wouldn't be able to do this without you, man.
00:05:19I love you, man.
00:05:24And now, here to accept
00:05:25the Lifetime Achievement Award for comedy,
00:05:28even though he might not always intend it,
00:05:31my close ex-friend, Elon Musk.
00:05:37Come on!
00:05:38Come on!
00:05:39Thank you!
00:05:39Thank you!
00:05:40Thank you!
00:05:41Thank you!
00:05:42Thank you!
00:05:43Come on!
00:05:43Thank you!
00:05:44Thank you!
00:05:46Thank you!
00:05:47Oh!
00:05:49I'm so emotionless to be here,
00:05:52and if anyone knows humor,
00:05:55it's me, you know.
00:05:57No tariffs on humor.
00:05:58Legalized comedy!
00:05:59Come on!
00:05:59Come on!
00:06:00Come on!
00:06:00Legalized comedy!
00:06:01Let's go!
00:06:02Unfortunately,
00:06:04it wasn't all laughs this year.
00:06:07Now, not all laughs.
00:06:08There are a few things we had to say goodbye to
00:06:10because we destroyed them.
00:06:13So here to perform a mournful rendition
00:06:17of America's Funniest Home Videos theme,
00:06:20please welcome Carrie Underwood
00:06:22and the construction worker
00:06:24from The Village People.
00:06:25Let's go!
00:06:26Come on!
00:06:26Let's go!
00:06:26If you're red, white, and blue
00:06:31The funniest things you do
00:06:35America, America, this is you
00:06:47America, America, this is you
00:06:58And live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
00:07:07It's Saturday Night Live
00:07:09with
00:07:12Michael Chang
00:07:20Mikey Day
00:07:27Andrew Dismutes
00:07:36Kloie Fineman
00:07:48Marcello Fernandez
00:07:53James Austin Johnson
00:08:03Colin Jost
00:08:09Sarah Sherman
00:08:15Kenan Thompson
00:08:21Featuring Tommy Brennan
00:08:27Jeremy Colhane
00:08:33Dan Marshall
00:08:40Ashley Padilla
00:08:44Cam Patterson
00:08:46Veronica Slowikowska
00:08:52Jane Wickline
00:09:23Musical guest
00:09:25With a crew
00:09:26in the I ride
00:09:29in the I ride
00:09:37Thank you thank you thank you thank you very much I am your host Teyana Taylor and I'm so honored
00:09:45to be hosting Saturday Night Live
00:09:52Now, I'm a Harlem girl, and I love New York,
00:09:54but it's freezing out here.
00:09:56That's why I had to get a spot in Miami,
00:09:58because the bitch is cold, you know?
00:10:00No wonder why us New Yorkers be so agitated.
00:10:03Because bitch, we cold.
00:10:06This week has been very insane.
00:10:09I was nominated for an Oscar for one battle after another.
00:10:16It is a dream come true.
00:10:19I found out the way every little girl wants to find out.
00:10:22Getting fitted for a ball cap next to Mikey Day.
00:10:26All of this is kind of overwhelming,
00:10:28because I am a really shy person, believe it or not.
00:10:31Who does not like a lot of attention?
00:10:33For an example, here's me at my 16th birthday party.
00:10:46Yeah, yeah.
00:10:50Yes, I was on MTV's My Super Sweet 16.
00:10:55I've had the chance to do so many things in my life,
00:10:58from singing, to dancing, to acting, to directing.
00:11:02And yes, I am currently in culinary school,
00:11:04chefing it up, mm-hmm.
00:11:06Thank you, thank you.
00:11:08Hell, I even randomly won Mad Singer,
00:11:11dressed as a firefly, for real.
00:11:14Me, I consider myself a Glade plug-in.
00:11:16Why only plug me in the bathroom
00:11:17when I can make the whole building smell good?
00:11:19You tell me?
00:11:21And also, I am a mom.
00:11:23People ask when I sleep, but don't worry.
00:11:26I get a full eight hours a week.
00:11:30Both my pregnancies were very, very peaceful.
00:11:33I did all of the things I was supposed to do.
00:11:36I was going to yoga, taking vitamins, avoiding raw fish.
00:11:39I think we have a video of me pregnant right here.
00:11:45Mm-hmm. See you.
00:11:50Yes.
00:11:52So wholesome, so calm.
00:11:54Man, I really, really love my kids so much.
00:11:56So I bring them everywhere with me.
00:11:57I ain't even going front.
00:11:58But when I was giving my speech at the Golden Globes,
00:12:01I looked up to see my babies.
00:12:03I wanted to see they faces, you know?
00:12:04Just to see that they were scrolling on their phones.
00:12:07So I'm like, this is so amazing.
00:12:10Get off them phones.
00:12:11What an honor.
00:12:12Get off them phones.
00:12:14But for real, I feel so lucky.
00:12:17I've worked so hard throughout my career to get to this point.
00:12:21And I'm just so grateful to be here with my babies cheering me on.
00:12:35We have a great show for y'all tonight.
00:12:38Geese is here.
00:12:41So stick around and we'll be right there.
00:13:00I really hope we board soon.
00:13:02I need to be in warm weather like yesterday.
00:13:05I have faith, hon.
00:13:06They can't delay us forever.
00:13:09Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for bearing with us
00:13:11through this big old winter storm.
00:13:12We know how frustrating these delays have been.
00:13:15In the meantime and in between time,
00:13:17we have an update for you.
00:13:19Ugh.
00:13:20Finally.
00:13:20Thank God.
00:13:21And it's off in the blow.
00:13:22We will be providing updates.
00:13:23The best way we know.
00:13:25Through songs.
00:13:26Hit it, baby.
00:13:29We know it's frustrating when you really want to fly.
00:13:34But too bad your plane is delayed and have not arrived.
00:13:39If I were you right now, I would start to pray.
00:13:43Cause it's looking like you won't be flying today.
00:13:49Uh, yeah, we are super delayed.
00:13:51More updates coming real soon.
00:13:53Did they just say we might not get on the plane today?
00:13:56I do think they sang that.
00:13:58Yes.
00:14:00Oh, my goodness.
00:14:01Thank you for your applause.
00:14:01Um, we are Shrimp and Grits, uh, bringing you smooth sounds
00:14:06from gate C-32 in the Mel Gibson Regional Terminal.
00:14:09And my name is Lashley, as in firstly and Lashley.
00:14:13And I am Parfait, as in the parfait don't start till I walk in.
00:14:17Okay, I'm sorry, these delays are not acceptable.
00:14:20Okay, so accept these nuts.
00:14:25All right, are we gonna get a flight out of here today or not?
00:14:29Uh, that is correct.
00:14:32Listen, it is what it is, y'all.
00:14:33This is Trump's America.
00:14:35Mayor Pete Buttigieg can now save you.
00:14:37He cannot save you.
00:14:39Did she say Pete Buttigieg?
00:14:41Listen, we don't make the rules.
00:14:43We just sing them to you.
00:14:44Speaking of, we do have an update on the status of your plane.
00:14:48Oh, thank God.
00:14:49Okay, good.
00:14:51Honey, honey, I could see this plane ain't looking right.
00:14:59Cause it's got no wings, basically a bus.
00:15:08What, what do you mean it has no wings?
00:15:12What do you not understand about this?
00:15:15The plane ain't got no wings.
00:15:17They need to put them on.
00:15:20Have you ever seen a plane fly with no wings?
00:15:22Yeah, it's not gonna take long, all right?
00:15:24They just gonna snap them in.
00:15:25Click, boom.
00:15:26We out.
00:15:28Okay, that does not seem right.
00:15:30It is not right.
00:15:32Because a normal plane looks like this.
00:15:35And y'all plane is looking like this.
00:15:40Okay, well, thank you for the visual aid.
00:15:43Okay, you have been a problem all day, okay?
00:15:45We are not checking bags, but we are checking attitudes.
00:15:48Yeah.
00:15:48Oh, look.
00:15:50Y'all must have been praying because the pilot is here and he has an update for you.
00:15:53Oh, thank God.
00:15:56Hello, everyone.
00:15:57Thank you for your patience.
00:15:58Good news is we found the plane's wings.
00:16:01Bad news is I'm drunk.
00:16:04So I guess you can.
00:16:08Blame it on the vodka.
00:16:09Blame it on the Henny.
00:16:10Blame it on them five shots.
00:16:12Got me feeling dizzy.
00:16:13I cannot fly at this plane.
00:16:16I cannot fly at this plane.
00:16:19Hey.
00:16:19She says she usually don't.
00:16:21All right.
00:16:21I'm just gonna.
00:16:22We can cut.
00:16:23We'll stop right there.
00:16:24I thought I ordered virgin margaritas, but them things came slutty.
00:16:31This is ridiculous.
00:16:32I'm calling my wife.
00:16:35Hey, Melissa.
00:16:35Yeah.
00:16:36I don't think I'm gonna be home tonight.
00:16:37Oh, honey.
00:16:37Come back to bed.
00:16:38Why would you do that?
00:16:40Because I might mess.
00:16:41Okay.
00:16:42This is ridiculous.
00:16:43Let's just go.
00:16:44Yep.
00:16:44I'm right behind you, babe.
00:16:46Oh, ladies and gentlemen, you're not gonna believe this.
00:16:48Uh, the pilot has had some Pedialyte, and the ground crew snapped the wings on.
00:16:53So hurry up, y'all.
00:16:54Your plane leaves in five minutes.
00:16:55And as always, we will be boarding, military, and, uh, fine men first.
00:17:02No hesitating.
00:17:04We only got five minutes aboard the plane.
00:17:12They've watched it a thousand times.
00:17:14They can quote every line.
00:17:16As far as your kids are concerned, the only movie that matters this awards season is...
00:17:20K-pop demons.
00:17:22One battle after another.
00:17:24Now bring the battle home with one battle after another action figures from Mattel.
00:17:32Quorfaya barely hailed.
00:17:34Welcome to the revolution, kids.
00:17:36Now fight them demons.
00:17:38Awesome!
00:17:40All your favorite heroes and villains from Paul Thomas Anderson's critically lauded masterpiece
00:17:44about resistance in the face of racial tyranny.
00:17:46Now in the palm of your hands.
00:17:47Yeah!
00:17:48Like battle robot Ferguson with light-up joint
00:17:51and little homing device.
00:17:53I'm so hot!
00:17:55They say Sergio with real beer-chugging action.
00:17:58I had a few small beers.
00:18:01Collect all your favorite revolutionaries.
00:18:03Oh, hello. What's your name?
00:18:06My name is Jungle Pussy.
00:18:08Becca Littie!
00:18:10See my face?
00:18:11This is what black power looks like.
00:18:14And don't forget about the video of Beverly Hills.
00:18:16We'll snap on pregnant Beverly.
00:18:17I'm gonna show you the name.
00:18:18Take that, pig!
00:18:21But look out!
00:18:22Hot on their trail is the buff, weird Colonel Lockjaw.
00:18:25With realistic arm veins and mobile paternity testing kit.
00:18:29Failure is not an option!
00:18:31Okay, yes, sir!
00:18:33Do you like black girls?
00:18:34What?
00:18:35Because I love them.
00:18:36I love them!
00:18:37Plus, take your battles to the next level
00:18:39with one battle after another place ends.
00:18:41Like Sensei Sergio's apartment
00:18:43with real working trapdoor
00:18:44to help your Latino friends escape.
00:18:46Or make one moral sacrifice after another
00:18:48in the dimly lit motel room.
00:18:54Oh, nope, we're not doing that scene.
00:18:56Okay.
00:18:57Take the battle in the world with the deluxe vehicles.
00:19:00Like Bob's crappy car.
00:19:01Or 50-piece desert road with so many rolling hills.
00:19:04One battle after another action figures,
00:19:06vehicles, and playsets from Mattel.
00:19:08Part of the Paul Thomas Anderson master set.
00:19:11I've abandoned my child.
00:19:12I've abandoned my child.
00:19:14I've abandoned my boy!
00:19:26Hello, welcome back to Empower Field here in Denver
00:19:28as the Broncos take on the New England Patriots
00:19:31in the AFC Championship.
00:19:32And this one is a clash between two great defenses, right Troy?
00:19:35Oh, yeah, the unstoppable force versus the immovable object, Joe.
00:19:39You know, I don't know who's going to win,
00:19:40but, oh, heck, just get out of the way.
00:19:41All right, well, we'll get into our analysis shortly.
00:19:43But first, did you know Hulu, now on Disney Plus,
00:19:47has all the adult dramas you crave?
00:19:49From the bear to alien earth,
00:19:51and now the steamy new lesbian culinary drama,
00:19:54Quefs.
00:19:56They thought they were straight until they met in the kitchen,
00:19:59and that's when things started cooking.
00:20:01Yes, these queer chefs have America gagged and gooped.
00:20:05It's Quefs, streaming now only on Hulu.
00:20:09Hey, well, color me intrigued, Joe.
00:20:11You know, hey, what do you think Quefs is short for?
00:20:13Queer chefs?
00:20:14Let's not guess, Troy.
00:20:15Now, last week, the Broncos lost their starting quarterback,
00:20:18Bo Nix, to an ankle injury.
00:20:20Let's go down to our sideline reporter,
00:20:21Lisa Salters, with an update.
00:20:23Thanks, Joe.
00:20:24Well, the Broncos have nothing to be ashamed of.
00:20:26They had a great season and shouldn't hold back their heads.
00:20:28They should hold their heads high.
00:20:29Yeah, I'm sure they'll be the team to watch next year.
00:20:32Lisa, the game hasn't even started yet.
00:20:34Think you're writing off the Broncos a little early?
00:20:36I mean, come on.
00:20:39They ain't got no quarterback.
00:20:40Like, come on.
00:20:42Now, Lisa, Denver is a very capable team.
00:20:44They could win.
00:20:46Yeah, but, like, come on.
00:20:48Troy, back to you.
00:20:50Well, Denver will start back up Jared Stidham,
00:20:53who hasn't played a snap all year.
00:20:54Well, now, hey, Joe, I like the guy.
00:20:56You know, I think you could surprise us.
00:20:57I know you do.
00:20:57And speaking of surprises,
00:20:59it's one part sugar and all part spice this week on an all-new Quefs.
00:21:04Things are heating up in the kitchen for Evangeliste and Tatiana.
00:21:08But if Brigitte has her way,
00:21:10it's D-Day for these three gay theys.
00:21:14Featuring music by Suave.
00:21:16It's Quefs, that part.
00:21:19Oh, whoa, music by Suave.
00:21:20You know, I thought Suave was just an actor.
00:21:22Troy, there's no way you know who that is.
00:21:25I do not, Joe.
00:21:26Now, I'm seeing that Lisa has some news on the Denver quarterback situation.
00:21:29Lisa, is Bo Nix on the sidelines?
00:21:31Nope.
00:21:32I don't know where he is, but I have an update from his fan.
00:21:34Sir, what's your name?
00:21:36Uh, Jared Stidham.
00:21:38Who now?
00:21:39Jared Stidham.
00:21:40I'm Denver's starting quarterback tonight.
00:21:43Okay, well, congrats on a great season and better luck next year.
00:21:47Hold on, Lisa.
00:21:48We got a great team here.
00:21:49I think we can win this game.
00:21:51Yeah, but, Jared, come on.
00:21:55Back to you, Troy.
00:21:57Oh, wow.
00:21:57So that's Jared Stidham.
00:21:59You know, I didn't know that's what he looked like.
00:22:00Yeah, no one did.
00:22:01But one thing I do know is Quefs is back,
00:22:04and I am sat.
00:22:05This week on Quefs,
00:22:07Evangeliste and Tatiana are serving fillets with a side of sleigh,
00:22:12while Brigitte and her soft-dom Suave
00:22:14sort out their situationship
00:22:16with the help of guest star Governor Gavin Newsom.
00:22:20See the show that has the New York Times raving,
00:22:23not my ass watching,
00:22:24Quefs, Quefs.
00:22:25It's giving Quefs.
00:22:27Hey, you see, Joe?
00:22:28I told you Suave was an actor.
00:22:30Troy, you know, I think you just got lucky there.
00:22:32Sure did, Joe.
00:22:33You got me.
00:22:34And I've been told we have an update from Lisa on the sidelines.
00:22:36Any Bo Nix news, Lisa?
00:22:38Hey, Joe.
00:22:39I actually had a question about Quefs.
00:22:41Okay.
00:22:42Okay, what's going on with the title?
00:22:45Quefs.
00:22:45It sounds weird, right?
00:22:47I mean, you add one more letter and it's...
00:22:48Okay, thank you so much, Lisa.
00:22:50No need to say it out loud.
00:22:52I think everybody clocked that.
00:22:53Let's go now to our keys to the game,
00:22:56brought to you by FanDuel.
00:22:57And, oh my God,
00:22:59Talkin' Quefs.
00:23:01Uh, Talkin' Quefs is the Quefs after show.
00:23:05This week's hosts,
00:23:06Renee Rapp and Trevor Noah
00:23:08are joined by panelists including
00:23:10Taylor Tomlinson,
00:23:11Bob the Drag Queen,
00:23:12and, whoa,
00:23:13Denver quarterback Bo Nix.
00:23:14Interesting.
00:23:16It's Talkin' Quefs tonight after Quefs.
00:23:18Quefs,
00:23:18they ain't been had to do all that, mama.
00:23:21Whoa, Bo Nix is on Talkin' Quefs.
00:23:23That's huge.
00:23:24I don't think it is, Troy.
00:23:25So, kick off to the AFC Championships
00:23:27in two minutes.
00:23:27And if you want to see that,
00:23:28flip on over to CBS.
00:23:29We don't have football anymore this season,
00:23:31but if you stay on ESPN,
00:23:32we do have the World Cornhole Quarterfinals
00:23:35coming up next.
00:23:36That's great.
00:23:37Joe, I'm going to head out.
00:23:37I don't blame you, Troy.
00:23:51Hi, everybody.
00:23:53I'm Cassidy Flask.
00:23:54I assume everyone's here
00:23:56for the competence class
00:23:58where you find confidence,
00:24:00the power of you.
00:24:02Is that right?
00:24:04Yes.
00:24:04Yep.
00:24:04Yes.
00:24:05Yes.
00:24:05Yes.
00:24:06Great.
00:24:07Believe it or not,
00:24:09this gal in front of you
00:24:10once had no confidence.
00:24:12I didn't think I was worthy.
00:24:14I remember once
00:24:15I lost out on a job
00:24:16I really wanted.
00:24:18I cried for days.
00:24:20And then I was like,
00:24:21what am I doing?
00:24:22A job doesn't define me.
00:24:25I define me.
00:24:27And that is how
00:24:28I found the power in me.
00:24:31So what do you say
00:24:32we get started?
00:24:33Why didn't you get the job?
00:24:37Sorry?
00:24:38The job you wanted.
00:24:39Why didn't you get it?
00:24:41Uh, just didn't go my way.
00:24:43Now let's get started.
00:24:45Did they just not like you?
00:24:48I just didn't get it.
00:24:50But instead of talking
00:24:52about the past,
00:24:53why don't we talk about...
00:24:54Did you say something,
00:24:55like, weird in the interview?
00:24:58Nope.
00:24:59And the job story
00:25:00is just part of my intro.
00:25:02Did you wear
00:25:02what you're wearing now?
00:25:03What?
00:25:05Did you wear
00:25:06what you're wearing now?
00:25:07To the answer,
00:25:08did you wear this outfit?
00:25:10No.
00:25:11Oh, God.
00:25:12Because I don't like it.
00:25:14You know what?
00:25:15Once upon a time,
00:25:17that comment would have
00:25:17made me eat a burger
00:25:19in my car.
00:25:21But now I hear it
00:25:23and I don't fear it.
00:25:25Come on.
00:25:26How about you try that?
00:25:27So, what did you wear?
00:25:30What?
00:25:31To the interview.
00:25:34Something nice.
00:25:35Leather pants.
00:25:40Leather pants?
00:25:43Yeah.
00:25:43Just like a nice pair
00:25:44of leather pants
00:25:45and some leather gloves.
00:25:48Well, that's why
00:25:49she didn't get the job.
00:25:50Oh, okay.
00:25:50Okay.
00:25:51You know what?
00:25:52Let's get us back on track.
00:25:53What's important is
00:25:55first impressions.
00:25:56Rule number one.
00:25:58Show them what
00:25:59you're working with it.
00:26:00Let's take a look
00:26:02at a sample resume.
00:26:04Um,
00:26:06I'm sorry.
00:26:07Is,
00:26:07is that your resume?
00:26:09Yeah.
00:26:10So,
00:26:11what do we notice?
00:26:12What are we seeing here?
00:26:14That she takes selfies
00:26:15like an Uber driver.
00:26:19Okay.
00:26:22All right.
00:26:23You know what?
00:26:23I'm,
00:26:23I'm,
00:26:23we're showing this
00:26:24for formatting.
00:26:25Okay?
00:26:26Well,
00:26:26it says that you
00:26:27do voices
00:26:28and
00:26:29personal computer
00:26:30know.
00:26:32What voices
00:26:33do you do?
00:26:35Heard of Yoda,
00:26:37have you?
00:26:41Was that the voice?
00:26:43Uh,
00:26:44yes.
00:26:45It also says
00:26:46from 2014
00:26:47to 2025
00:26:49you were a
00:26:49Dolly Parton
00:26:51impersonator.
00:26:52Can we see
00:26:53your Dolly Parton?
00:26:55It's too close
00:26:56to Yoda
00:26:56and I just did that
00:26:57for the room.
00:26:58Okay?
00:26:59I'm sorry,
00:27:00with that resume,
00:27:01what job could you
00:27:02have possibly
00:27:03been interviewing for?
00:27:05Oh my God,
00:27:06fine.
00:27:06Michelle Obama's
00:27:07speech writer.
00:27:08What?
00:27:09How?
00:27:10No.
00:27:11Oh my God,
00:27:11there's a writing
00:27:12sample at the bottom.
00:27:14When they go low,
00:27:16we go high.
00:27:17Am I right?
00:27:19So where
00:27:20everybody from?
00:27:21You in the front,
00:27:22are you two a couple?
00:27:24The guys
00:27:25in the dork-ass hat
00:27:26next to the girl
00:27:27waiting out of
00:27:27his league?
00:27:28Michelle laughs,
00:27:29then ad-libs
00:27:30the rest of the speech.
00:27:31Okay.
00:27:33You wrote her
00:27:34doing crowd work?
00:27:36Guys,
00:27:37do you have
00:27:37confidence or not?
00:27:38I'm sorry.
00:27:39I'm not really
00:27:40sure anymore.
00:27:42Well,
00:27:43I'm sure about this.
00:27:44Rule number two,
00:27:45clothes tell
00:27:46the story.
00:27:49Oh my God.
00:27:50Oh my God.
00:27:51Is that your bathroom?
00:27:53Why is this so dirty?
00:27:55Your sink is full of water.
00:27:57Okay, okay, okay, okay.
00:27:58You know what?
00:27:59You guys are fixated.
00:27:59Let's shake it off.
00:28:00Huh?
00:28:01All right.
00:28:03Relationships.
00:28:04When I found my power,
00:28:05I found a loving boyfriend
00:28:07who's waiting outside
00:28:08for me right now.
00:28:11He's outside right now?
00:28:13Yeah.
00:28:14Can you bring him in
00:28:16so we can meet him?
00:28:18I don't want you
00:28:19to meet him.
00:28:21Why not?
00:28:23Because of how he looks.
00:28:25How does he look?
00:28:27Not good.
00:28:29Can you describe him?
00:28:31Ugh.
00:28:32Like if a goblin
00:28:33lived in New York.
00:28:35Oh my God.
00:28:37Are you okay?
00:28:40I don't know.
00:28:44Sometimes.
00:28:46Okay, like when?
00:28:49I don't know.
00:28:51I don't know.
00:29:10I guess we're done.
00:29:13Class dismissed.
00:29:15Wait, wait, wait, professor.
00:29:16I'm just realizing
00:29:17you actually made me feel
00:29:19way more confident.
00:29:21After meeting you,
00:29:22I feel amazing about myself.
00:29:25Hey, me too.
00:29:26Me too.
00:29:28Then my job here is done.
00:29:31Do you guys want to see my dolly?
00:29:33Sure.
00:29:33Yeah, okay.
00:29:36Jolene?
00:29:38Jolene?
00:29:40Jolene?
00:29:42Jolene?
00:29:47Jolene?
00:29:48Oh my God.
00:29:53Jolene?
00:29:56Jolene?
00:30:02Jolene?
00:30:03Jolene?
00:30:17Jolene?
00:30:32You can stay with me here
00:30:38Baby, you can stay with me
00:30:42And nobody would care
00:30:47You can stay with me
00:30:50You can stay with me
00:30:54And just pretend I'm not there
00:30:57Like a sailor in a big green boat
00:31:03Like a sailor in a big green coat
00:31:10You can be free
00:31:12You can be free
00:31:15And still come home
00:31:19It's alright
00:31:25I'm alright
00:31:42You can change
00:31:45You can change
00:31:50You can change
00:31:52You can change
00:31:55You can change
00:31:57You can change
00:31:59You can change
00:32:01Baby, you can change
00:32:05And still to me
00:32:08Like a sailor in a big green boat
00:32:14Like a sailor in a big green boat
00:32:20You can be free
00:32:22You can be free
00:32:26Just come on, please
00:32:31Please, please
00:32:36I'm alright
00:32:43I'm fine
00:32:50I'm fine
00:32:54I'm fine
00:32:57I'm fine
00:33:08I'm fine
00:33:35You can change
00:33:50It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Chang.
00:34:00Thank you very much.
00:34:06Good evening, everyone.
00:34:08Welcome to Weekend Update.
00:34:09I'm Michael Chang.
00:34:09I'm Colin Jost.
00:34:12Well, during a press conference celebrating his first year in office,
00:34:16President Trump said that God was very proud of the job he's doing as president.
00:34:21Trump added that God was probably looking up at us right now,
00:34:25smiling from horn to hoof.
00:34:28Also, remember when President Trump straight up told us he was going to hell?
00:34:33I think I'm not maybe heaven bound.
00:34:39But he thinks that after this week, God is back on board.
00:34:45Vice President J.D. Vance criticized protesters confronting ICE officers, saying they should
00:34:49instead write an op-ed or argue about it on social media.
00:34:53You know, just like these young scholars did on January 6th.
00:34:57I get that ICE agents are people, allegedly, and they have a job to do.
00:35:02But at some point, while you're pepper spraying old ladies or shooting at a nurse, do you ever stop and
00:35:07ask yourself, are we dicks?
00:35:11President Trump has been inviting world leaders to join his Board of Peace or be crushed by his Council of
00:35:18Destruction.
00:35:20Trump's Board of Peace consists of countries such as Russia and Saudi Arabia,
00:35:25which is like if Law and Order SVU starred Diddy.
00:35:32President Trump called off his proposed tariffs on European countries who opposed his desire to acquire Greenland.
00:35:39Trump backed down after consulting his most trusted advisor, the Stocks app.
00:35:44The singing of the U.S. national anthem at an NBA game in London was interrupted by protesters yelling,
00:35:50leave Greenland alone.
00:35:51And you know we've gone too far when the British are, like, easy on to colonizing old Trump.
00:35:59President Trump has spent so much time stalking Greenland like an absolute psycho.
00:36:04He's basically become a guy on a dating app.
00:36:06He's like, hey, Greenland, you look so good.
00:36:09And Greenland's like, ha-ha, thanks.
00:36:12And Trump's like, seriously, I need you.
00:36:15I'd literally give $700 billion to be with you.
00:36:18And Greenland's like, look, not trying to be mean, but I'm not interested.
00:36:23And Trump's like, I'll kill you, you ugly bitch.
00:36:30Just off the top of my head.
00:36:31Yeah, sure.
00:36:32The House Oversight Committee announced that next month it will depose Jelaine Maxwell as part of its Jeffrey Epstein investigation.
00:36:40In the meantime, they've turned off the cameras to give her privacy to play with her new chair and long
00:36:44rope.
00:36:48Oh, yeah, yeah. Take her side.
00:36:52With Gen Z terms like cooked and aura gaining popularity, older people are feeling out of the loop.
00:36:59Here to act as our Gen Z translator is our very own Marcelo Hernandez.
00:37:04Yeah, what's up?
00:37:06What's up, Colin?
00:37:08What's up? So you are here to translate some Gen Z slang.
00:37:11Yes, I am, Colin, to help out older folks like you.
00:37:15We're basically the same age.
00:37:18Never give up.
00:37:21The first word I want to help translate is chopped.
00:37:25This one is big. You've probably heard it before.
00:37:28Yeah, I know chopped. It's the show on the Food Network.
00:37:31Never give up.
00:37:33No, a chopped is an adjective used to describe something that is visually unappealing.
00:37:39For example, this picture of Colin from middle school is chopped.
00:37:46Did you get it from my parents?
00:37:48Also, joke's on you. That picture is actually of me from college.
00:37:54It's worse.
00:37:56But that's right. You have experienced what we call a glow-up.
00:38:01You went from busted to hear me out, though.
00:38:08Thanks.
00:38:10So how are you not... why are you not teaching any of this stuff to Che?
00:38:13Well, Che knows this stuff because Gen Z slang is African American slang.
00:38:18Basically, black people start saying something, then young people think it's cool, so they start saying it.
00:38:23Then white people say it, and then once Elon Musk says it, it's over.
00:38:29I don't know, man. That's... that's Cap.
00:38:35Wait. Wait, what... what's that sound?
00:38:40Cap has officially passed away.
00:38:42No. No.
00:38:46Oh, my...
00:38:47R.I.P. Cap.
00:38:48No. You know, you're not teaching us anything, by the way.
00:38:51Okay, Boomer.
00:38:53Maybe it would help if I used Gen Z terms to talk about something you're into.
00:38:57So what's one of your interests?
00:38:59I mean, Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.
00:39:01I think...
00:39:02Obviously, I'm salty through and through.
00:39:05And then, I don't know, World War II.
00:39:10All right.
00:39:12Let's do World War II.
00:39:13Okay, sure.
00:39:14So, okay, World War II.
00:39:16Okay, so basically, after World War I, Germany's economy was in its flop era.
00:39:21So, they started moving out of pocket, thanks to Hitler, who was a certified crash-op.
00:39:26Then, he became the world's op.
00:39:29And so he got high-key overstimulated.
00:39:32And then he low-key unalived himself.
00:39:35And then everybody was like,
00:39:37Fah!
00:39:41That was awesome.
00:39:43Yeah, and made total sense.
00:39:45I guess you could say that Hitler was chopped.
00:39:49Oh!
00:39:50No!
00:39:51Not again!
00:39:52No!
00:39:53All right, be chopped.
00:39:54Oh, don't go to Tombstone.
00:39:57Oh, God.
00:39:59All right.
00:40:00Well, you know what, man?
00:40:01You...
00:40:02Stop playing in my face, okay?
00:40:04Be so for real.
00:40:06You come to my desk trying to drag me
00:40:09when you're the one sipping the dumb bitch juice?
00:40:14Okay?
00:40:15You must be DeLulu, boo-boo.
00:40:17Because I'm about to crash out right now.
00:40:19Fah!
00:40:24I think I speak for all of us when I say
00:40:26that was really good and you did your best.
00:40:27Thanks, man.
00:40:28But I have bad news for you, Colin.
00:40:31No!
00:40:33Marcel Hernandez, everyone.
00:40:41A new report shows that Disney World's upcoming Villain's Land
00:40:45will feature iconic Disney characters
00:40:47such as Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty,
00:40:49Gaston from Beauty and the Beast,
00:40:51Jafar from Aladdin,
00:40:52and Melania from the inauguration.
00:40:57A new study finds that men's desire for sex
00:41:00peaks in their late 30s and early 40s,
00:41:03while for some reason women's desire for sex
00:41:05peaks after watching a few episodes of gay hockey.
00:41:11Taylor Swift has become the second youngest person
00:41:14inducted into the Songwriters' Hall of Fame
00:41:16behind Stevie Wonder.
00:41:18But the difference with Taylor
00:41:19is that they can't just say they made her a plaque.
00:41:27I don't know why I thought you'd like that.
00:41:30According to a new report,
00:41:32China's birth rate has dropped to its lowest level
00:41:34since 1949.
00:41:36Experts believe the decreasing number of Chinese children
00:41:39could have a devastating effect on my sneaker collection.
00:41:46That got them back.
00:41:50Safety experts have created a new female crash test dummy
00:41:53that could help better protect women in car accidents.
00:41:56You can tell the dummy is female
00:41:57because sometimes it just puts the car in park
00:42:00and cries a little.
00:42:04And Eagle Scout in Missouri has earned 140 badges,
00:42:08which is every possible merit badge.
00:42:10He also set the record for most molested boy.
00:42:17I'm kidding.
00:42:18Your record's unbreakable, Colin.
00:42:25That wasn't a dress rehearsal.
00:42:29A Swiss company has introduced a new suicide pod
00:42:33designed for couples,
00:42:34and it's much more affordable
00:42:36than the suicide pod for single men.
00:42:42A video has gone viral
00:42:44of a mysterious Doritos-shaped aircraft
00:42:47flying over Area 51.
00:42:49It's called a triangle, fat ass.
00:42:55A memorial service was held in San Francisco
00:42:58for Claude, a beloved albino alligator
00:43:00at the California Academy of Sciences
00:43:02that recently died,
00:43:03but his memory will live on
00:43:05in my gorgeous new boots.
00:43:09Channing Tatum announced
00:43:10that a stage version of Magic Mike
00:43:13will be opening soon in New York City.
00:43:15Also opening soon, your aunt.
00:43:24A recent study showed that many Americans
00:43:27are afraid to voice their opinions
00:43:29in fear of backlash.
00:43:30Here to speak his mind without holding back
00:43:32is Mr. On Blast.
00:43:38Hello, Colleen.
00:43:40That's right.
00:43:41I'm Mr. On Blast,
00:43:42and I ain't afraid to share an opinion or two.
00:43:45So get ready,
00:43:46because no one is safe from being put
00:43:49On Blast!
00:43:54Okay, all right.
00:43:55Well, go ahead.
00:43:56Do your worst.
00:43:57First up, billionaires.
00:43:59What are we doing?
00:44:01You're rich.
00:44:02We get it.
00:44:03I mean, what does the B
00:44:04in billionaire even stand for?
00:44:06Bidiot?
00:44:12So, hey, B-words.
00:44:13Your hedge fund
00:44:14is hedge-dumb.
00:44:16On Blast!
00:44:24I'm sorry.
00:44:26Hedge-dumb?
00:44:27That was your best takedown of billionaires?
00:44:30Yeah, um...
00:44:31I don't hold back.
00:44:32Yeah.
00:44:32And, baby,
00:44:34we're just getting started.
00:44:35Don't call me B.
00:44:37Okay.
00:44:38Okay, baby.
00:44:39Okay.
00:44:39Next up,
00:44:40Big Pharma.
00:44:42Ibuprofen?
00:44:43More like
00:44:43I be putting you
00:44:44on blast!
00:44:53Ibuprofen?
00:44:54Your takedown of Big Pharma
00:44:56is ibuprofen?
00:44:57Oh, baby, Colleen.
00:44:59You want me to dig in?
00:45:01Well, how about this?
00:45:02Next up,
00:45:03Chinese men.
00:45:04Oh, God.
00:45:05Why?
00:45:05Yeah, I saw on the news
00:45:07that China's birth rate
00:45:08is at an all-time low.
00:45:10What, boys?
00:45:11You can't get it up?
00:45:12Hey, China,
00:45:13give me 20 minutes alone
00:45:15with your men,
00:45:16and I'll show them
00:45:16a thing or two.
00:45:21You want 20 minutes alone
00:45:23with all the men
00:45:24in China?
00:45:25No, no, I mean, like,
00:45:27and I'm trying to say, like,
00:45:28men, if you're having
00:45:30sexual performance issues,
00:45:32clear your calendars,
00:45:33because I will blast you
00:45:34until you are hard.
00:45:46Stop!
00:45:47Stop!
00:45:48Just stop!
00:45:51That cannot...
00:45:54That cannot...
00:45:55Stop it!
00:45:57Stop enabling him!
00:45:59Come on!
00:46:00That cannot possibly
00:46:01be what you meant to say.
00:46:03Come on, man,
00:46:03give me a break.
00:46:05Putting people on blast
00:46:06is actually, like,
00:46:06really hard.
00:46:07Huh.
00:46:08You know what?
00:46:09I actually...
00:46:10I bet it is hard,
00:46:12especially when you're
00:46:12out here looking like
00:46:13a blackjack dealer
00:46:14on a Disney cruise
00:46:15on blast!
00:46:25That was, uh...
00:46:26That was really good, man.
00:46:28Really?
00:46:29Psych!
00:46:29Nope!
00:46:30That was hedge dumb
00:46:31on blast!
00:46:46Are you...
00:46:47Are you done?
00:46:50Mr. Blast, everyone!
00:46:52I'm Blast!
00:46:53For Weekend Update,
00:46:54I'm Colin Jones.
00:46:55I'm Michael Che.
00:46:56Good night.
00:46:57Night.
00:47:11And, sweetie,
00:47:13uh, mom and I
00:47:13are just so proud of you.
00:47:15And to our new son-in-law,
00:47:16Keith,
00:47:17from now on,
00:47:18call me dad.
00:47:19And you can continue
00:47:20to call me Carol.
00:47:22Thanks, dad.
00:47:23Thanks, Carol.
00:47:25All right.
00:47:26Well, food will be served shortly.
00:47:29The kitchen just needs
00:47:30a few more minutes
00:47:31to microwave the steak.
00:47:33In the meantime,
00:47:35the couple wants to say
00:47:36a few words.
00:47:38Thank you all
00:47:39for joining us
00:47:40on our special day.
00:47:41And we wanted to give
00:47:43someone a special shout-out.
00:47:45He turned 87 last week,
00:47:47just had both
00:47:49of his knees replaced,
00:47:50but he came all the way
00:47:51from Detroit.
00:47:53Keith's Grandpa Jackson.
00:47:57Thank you, Lord.
00:47:59I would have missed
00:48:00this for the world.
00:48:03Hold a seat on the dance
00:48:04before busting the mood,
00:48:05Grandpa.
00:48:06At my age,
00:48:07most likely to bust
00:48:08the hip in the mood.
00:48:10Yeah, my dad's got jokes, huh?
00:48:14Now, let's dance.
00:48:17Uh-oh.
00:48:17Well, you heard the bride, folks.
00:48:19Let's get things started
00:48:21with a little Earth,
00:48:22Wind, and Fire.
00:48:25Okay.
00:48:28Oh, man.
00:48:29It's hard to believe
00:48:30my boys are all grown up,
00:48:31huh, dad?
00:48:32They playing the song.
00:48:34What?
00:48:35They playing the song.
00:48:38Shut up, man.
00:48:39The groove got me.
00:48:41Everybody out
00:48:41the goddamn way.
00:48:43Oh!
00:48:44Oh!
00:48:45Okay!
00:48:46Oh!
00:48:47Grandma Jackson's
00:48:48on the floor, folks!
00:48:50Go, Grandpa!
00:48:51Go, Grandpa!
00:48:52Go, Grandpa!
00:48:53Go, Grandpa!
00:48:54Go, Grandpa!
00:48:56Okay.
00:48:57Okay, okay.
00:48:58Okay, Danny.
00:48:59Let's sit back down
00:49:00before you get hurt now.
00:49:01All right, sir.
00:49:03You're right, sir.
00:49:04Y'all kids have
00:49:05enough fun now.
00:49:06Y'all have some fun now.
00:49:07Give me a glass.
00:49:08All right.
00:49:10Hey, y'all,
00:49:11let's keep things
00:49:12going right now.
00:49:13How about we groove, huh?
00:49:16Okay.
00:49:21This my song.
00:49:23Where's that?
00:49:23This my song.
00:49:25I thought the last one
00:49:26was your song.
00:49:27I got the groove, man.
00:49:29Uh-oh.
00:49:30I got it.
00:49:32Oh!
00:49:33Okay.
00:49:33Oh!
00:49:34Oh!
00:49:35Oh!
00:49:35Oh!
00:49:36I got it, Brian.
00:49:37Oh!
00:49:37Let me get your skinny
00:49:38ass over here.
00:49:38Let me show you
00:49:39what a human body can do.
00:49:41Sure!
00:49:42Yeah, I have.
00:49:43Oh!
00:49:43Oh!
00:49:43Okay.
00:49:44Come on, stuff, kid.
00:49:46All right.
00:49:46Put that hand, my man.
00:49:48There we go.
00:49:49Okay, Grandpa.
00:49:50You done had your fun.
00:49:51Go away.
00:49:52Oh.
00:49:53Come on.
00:49:53It's my wife, Grandpa.
00:49:54Go away.
00:49:55Honestly, I don't mind.
00:49:57But I do.
00:49:58Papa!
00:49:59Oh!
00:49:59Sit down!
00:50:00Oh!
00:50:00Oh, shit.
00:50:01Okay, yeah.
00:50:01Come on, now.
00:50:02That's your new granddaughter
00:50:03that you're freaking on.
00:50:05You're right.
00:50:06You're right, son.
00:50:07You're right.
00:50:09I'm making a fool
00:50:09of myself here.
00:50:11Y'all kids,
00:50:12say I'll phone you.
00:50:14All right.
00:50:15One more time
00:50:15for Grandpa Jackson, y'all.
00:50:17He's working hard out there.
00:50:18All right.
00:50:19While he's taking a break,
00:50:21the rest of us
00:50:22are going to head down
00:50:23to a boogie wonderland.
00:50:31Hey!
00:50:32Stop playing
00:50:33Earth, Wind, and Fire, dude.
00:50:36Oh, I'm about to get down.
00:50:38I'm about to get down.
00:50:40Get back out.
00:50:41If anyone knows a song
00:50:42that's not one of Grandpa's songs,
00:50:44feel free to stop by the booth.
00:50:46Let me know.
00:50:53Wait, wait, wait.
00:50:54Watch out, daddy.
00:50:56You're going too bad.
00:50:58Oh!
00:50:59Oh!
00:51:01Oh!
00:51:02Oh, my God!
00:51:03Dang!
00:51:03Is anybody here a doctor?
00:51:05My pants!
00:51:06I am.
00:51:07Oh.
00:51:09Kinda.
00:51:10Let me get my pants.
00:51:12Oh, I'm afraid
00:51:13this man's bones
00:51:14are all gone.
00:51:16They all broke at once
00:51:17and turned to powder.
00:51:18There's nothing
00:51:18I can do for them.
00:51:20But maybe there's something
00:51:22I can do.
00:51:28Oh!
00:51:30Oh!
00:51:31What this song
00:51:33of you, my dude?
00:51:35Yeah, yeah!
00:51:36Yeah!
00:51:37Cheers to Grandpa Jackson, y'all!
00:52:00You love traitors and survival,
00:52:03so get ready for ABC's new
00:52:05deception-filled competition show,
00:52:07Backstab Island.
00:52:09I'm here to get rich,
00:52:11not make friends.
00:52:13I'm a fox,
00:52:14but I'll snake my way
00:52:15to the top of the island.
00:52:16Out here,
00:52:17my greatest advantage
00:52:18is my personality disorder.
00:52:21Islanders will lie,
00:52:22cheat, and betray
00:52:23to win the Backstab crown.
00:52:26Out here,
00:52:27I don't need friends.
00:52:29I am not here
00:52:30to make friends.
00:52:31And me,
00:52:33I am here
00:52:34to make friends.
00:52:35It's the only reason
00:52:36I'm here.
00:52:37I love people.
00:52:40I'll take you down.
00:52:41I don't care
00:52:42who you are
00:52:43or where you're from.
00:52:45I do care
00:52:46who you are,
00:52:47and I do care
00:52:48where you're from.
00:52:49Because I want
00:52:50to hang out
00:52:51once the show is over
00:52:52when we all get back
00:52:53home to L.A.
00:52:55On this island,
00:52:57trust no one.
00:52:59I'm here
00:52:59to burn bridges
00:53:00and show my body
00:53:01off on TV.
00:53:03And I'm here
00:53:04because my college friend
00:53:05grew gifted apart,
00:53:06and I'm very lonely.
00:53:07I'm looking to hang out
00:53:09with some creative types
00:53:10back in L.A.
00:53:13I need the prize money
00:53:15because my dad is sick.
00:53:17Psyche!
00:53:17My dad's not sick,
00:53:19and I hate that bitch!
00:53:22I don't need the money.
00:53:24I have plenty
00:53:25of the thing that I did
00:53:26for my college friends
00:53:27when they stopped
00:53:28talking to me.
00:53:30And if you thought
00:53:31the guava juice
00:53:31wouldn't be flying
00:53:32this season,
00:53:33think again.
00:53:35You told Jen
00:53:36about my immunity conch?
00:53:38You bitch!
00:53:40I trusted you
00:53:41to keep my pink eye
00:53:42a secret,
00:53:43you bitch!
00:53:44I love hanging out
00:53:45with you,
00:53:46you bitch!
00:53:47Then why did you
00:53:48throw a drink at me?
00:53:49Oh my God,
00:53:49I'm so sorry.
00:53:50I'm so sorry.
00:53:51On Backstab Island,
00:53:52skills will be
00:53:54put to the test.
00:53:54I'm off my meds
00:53:56and on my period.
00:53:58My strength?
00:53:59I will literally
00:53:59bite you.
00:54:01My strength?
00:54:02Deception.
00:54:03Oh my God,
00:54:04Nicole,
00:54:05you pushed me!
00:54:06Or did I push her?
00:54:09And my strength?
00:54:11I can hook up
00:54:11with friends
00:54:12and not even
00:54:13be weird about it
00:54:13the next day.
00:54:14I can choke about it
00:54:16or just be quiet.
00:54:17Whatever you want,
00:54:18you take the lead
00:54:19and I'll follow.
00:54:21That's a lot.
00:54:22We hooked up
00:54:23and she was super weird
00:54:24about it the next day.
00:54:26Dog,
00:54:26she proposed.
00:54:28It's stab or be stab.
00:54:30So tune in
00:54:31to find out who wins.
00:54:33I'm gonna win.
00:54:35No,
00:54:36I'm gonna win.
00:54:38Sorry, boys.
00:54:38That money's mine.
00:54:40Seriously,
00:54:41I'm getting a rash.
00:54:43I don't really know
00:54:44if this is one
00:54:45of those shows
00:54:46where you win games
00:54:46or have sex with people.
00:54:49some do involve.
00:54:51Backstab out.
00:54:52We will show shock
00:54:53that's when they happen.
00:55:08Once again,
00:55:09geese!
00:55:10Woo!
00:55:11Woo!
00:55:11Woo!
00:55:12Woo!
00:55:13Woo!
00:55:14Woo!
00:55:14Woo!
00:55:15Woo!
00:55:15Woo!
00:55:17Woo!
00:55:18Woo!
00:55:19Woo!
00:55:22Woo!
00:55:30Woo!
00:55:36Woo!
00:55:36Woo!
00:55:36Woo!
00:55:36Woo!
00:55:36Woo! Woo!
00:55:44I tried
00:55:50I tried
00:56:01So hard
00:56:03I tried
00:56:08There's a bum
00:56:11In my car
00:56:14In my car
00:56:18In my car
00:56:27In my car
00:56:29My God
00:56:43When I went deaf
00:56:53When I went deaf
00:56:56If I just used my eyes
00:57:05Those bastards
00:57:08Stuck me at the end
00:57:10Of a long, long, long, long
00:57:15Lie
00:57:19Until I went blind
00:57:23Get in
00:57:26Let's drive
00:57:27There's a bomb in my car
00:57:31There's a bomb in my car
00:57:35Oh, there's a bomb in my car
00:57:40There's a bomb in my car, yeah
00:57:44There's a bomb in my car
00:57:51All in all and all, yeah
00:57:56All in, all in all
00:58:05All in, all in all
00:58:16All and, all and, all and, all and, all and, all and, all and, all and, all, all and, all,
00:58:25all and, all.
00:58:27My son is in bed.
00:58:32And my daughters are dead.
00:58:37And my wife's in the shed.
00:58:42And my husband's licking the light off the wall
00:58:48And the lights are forced to fit
00:58:51Oil's baked into bread
00:58:54And nothing's been said
00:58:58For four and a half days
00:59:01When that light turns red
00:59:05I'm dry
00:59:10I've been away
00:59:12There's a fire in my door
00:59:18There's a fire in my door
00:59:22There's a fire
00:59:26There's a fire in my door
00:59:28There's a fire in my door
00:59:50Thank you very much.
01:00:19Thank you for joining us on Beyond the Headlines, where we go into this week's news and get
01:00:23a little deeper.
01:00:24I'm Michelle Dixon.
01:00:25With me today from The Guardian is Christopher Wilkins.
01:00:28From the Atlantic, Jackie Donelli and Calvin Emanuel with the Chicago Tribune.
01:00:33It's great to be with you, Michelle.
01:00:35Well, let's start in Minneapolis, where ICE continues to raid homes and businesses in
01:00:38what some people are calling an occupation.
01:00:41Christopher, your take on this?
01:00:42Well, Michelle, the first word that comes to mind is unprecedented.
01:00:47I mean, you've got federal officers roaming the streets, just pulling people out of their
01:00:52cars based on how they look.
01:00:54I mean, this just doesn't happen in America.
01:01:03Yeah, well, I mean, I know it happens with some police.
01:01:08There are certainly bad cops out there, of course.
01:01:10But this is an entire federal force weaponized against the people it's supposed to protect.
01:01:18It's insane.
01:01:20Oh!
01:01:23Oh!
01:01:24Oh!
01:01:24Okay, right.
01:01:25Sure.
01:01:25Okay.
01:01:26But the difference here is these officers are marching through neighborhoods with the
01:01:32express mission of just stirring things up so they can violently arrest people.
01:01:37That's new.
01:01:40Oh!
01:01:43Oh!
01:01:44Oh!
01:01:44Oh!
01:01:46Okay.
01:01:46Um, I mean, you guys know what I mean, though.
01:01:49Um, can someone else go, please?
01:01:52Very well.
01:01:54Jackie, on Sunday, anti-ICE protesters interrupted a church service.
01:01:57And now the Trump administration has arrested two people.
01:02:00Are tactics like this hurting their cause?
01:02:03I mean, it's unlikely.
01:02:04This was an isolated incident and probably won't slow the movement down.
01:02:09I mean, let's be honest, not a lot of Democrats go to church anymore.
01:02:15I mean, of course, Democrats go to church, but it's a community thing.
01:02:19It's not just all about Jesus.
01:02:25Did she just say church ain't about Jesus?
01:02:28Well, color me surprised.
01:02:30Okay.
01:02:30No, I know it's about Jesus.
01:02:33It's just left-leaning churches are not, you know, so political.
01:02:39Okay.
01:02:39Okay.
01:02:40Stop.
01:02:40That's not at all what I meant.
01:02:42Right.
01:02:43I mean, Jackie knows very well that all kinds of people attend church.
01:02:47I mean, if it matters, I've started going again.
01:02:50Really?
01:02:51Good for you.
01:02:52Yeah.
01:02:53Ever since they changed it so you don't have to dress up anymore.
01:02:56I mean, how nice is it to wear jeans to church, right?
01:03:01Oh!
01:03:05Let's move on to international news.
01:03:07The Trump administration continues to try and take over Greenland, despite forced opposition
01:03:12from Europe.
01:03:13Jackie, how does this end?
01:03:15Well, I don't know, but I do know that, you know, it's likely a violation of international
01:03:20law.
01:03:20I mean, you can't just point to a country and say, hey, that's ours now.
01:03:25Oh.
01:03:26Okay.
01:03:27No, I mean, some countries do that, but not America.
01:03:32Oh.
01:03:32Oh.
01:03:34Really?
01:03:36Has she met America?
01:03:37Yeah.
01:03:38Okay, enough.
01:03:39Will you guys please stop making the noises?
01:03:42Noises?
01:03:42Who's making noises?
01:03:43I'm sorry.
01:03:44I don't hear a peep.
01:03:45No, you're absolutely making noises and it's distracting.
01:03:48Can I at least get through my point without the noises?
01:03:51Absolutely.
01:03:52Go ahead.
01:03:53And I promise we won't say a word.
01:03:54Not a word.
01:03:56All I'm saying is that Donald Trump may want to just take someone else's land through
01:04:01greed and aggression, but the rest of us don't.
01:04:03We're America.
01:04:04This is not who we are.
01:04:06Mmm.
01:04:10Okay.
01:04:10I think that guy just made a noise.
01:04:13Sorry, Jackie.
01:04:14I'll ask our cameraman, Darius, to also not to interrupt.
01:04:17I'm sorry.
01:04:18I didn't know I was doing that.
01:04:21Let us take a break to thank our corporate sponsors.
01:04:23When we return, we'll talk to a woman whose job was replaced by AI.
01:04:28Not a computer, but former NBA star, Allen Iverson.
01:04:32Oh.
01:04:32We must have needed some money.
01:04:50Relationships are hard and there are few moments as highly charged as meeting the parents
01:04:55God I'm just so nervous
01:04:57Don't be nervous they're gonna love you
01:04:59I don't know man I just really want to make a good impression
01:05:02You will you're gonna do great they're gonna love you
01:05:05Um just one thing my dad's from the south
01:05:08The south
01:05:09Yeah so he's pretty old fashioned so just don't talk politics okay
01:05:12No politics
01:05:13No politics
01:05:14I can do that
01:05:16Mom dad we're home
01:05:19Ava there's my little girl
01:05:21And this must be the guy that we've heard so much about
01:05:25I hope the drive wasn't too bad
01:05:26It wasn't
01:05:27Y'all make great time coming up here
01:05:29Y'all take 87
01:05:30Y'all take 86
01:05:40You know what let's just uh move on
01:05:43Y'all hear faster than a jackrabbit that's literally how you talk
01:05:50We have to break up now
01:05:53Well what if I told you breaking up was my goal here
01:05:56Relationships are hard and men are cowards
01:05:59Sometimes you want to break up but it would be easier if she broke up with you
01:06:03I'll be teaching you how to blow it so bad your relationship explodes
01:06:06With methods from my new book 50 ways to get your lover to leave you
01:06:10Because leaving your lover is hard since you love your lover
01:06:13So why not get your lover to leave you no
01:06:14When you want to sabotage your own relationship
01:06:16You want to capitalize on highly charged moments
01:06:19Like meeting her parents
01:06:21What the hell is wrong with you
01:06:23Talk to her and spit on that thing
01:06:26But another highly charged moment is valentine's day
01:06:30Babe you didn't have to
01:06:31No I did
01:06:32I just I saw it and I immediately thought of you
01:06:35100 tampons
01:06:38Now a very charged moment is a family funeral
01:06:41If you want to end your relationship
01:06:43Try showing up dressed as a member of the Lumineers
01:06:49But if you're just starting the date
01:06:51Blowing it can be as simple as wearing something that makes you seem gross
01:06:56Should we do a bottle?
01:06:59I'm gonna hit the restroom
01:07:05Here's one
01:07:05The next time she comes to you for advice on a complex emotional problem
01:07:09Respond simply with an impression of the sorting hat from Harry Potter
01:07:12She is still my grandmother
01:07:14But she doesn't
01:07:15It's my face
01:07:17Hey, hey, hey
01:07:19Gryffindor
01:07:21And remember
01:07:22These situations can always be made worse
01:07:24With a hard pivot to a simple question
01:07:26You made great time coming up here, sir
01:07:28Oh, did one now?
01:07:31Ava Grace Davis
01:07:32Would you be down to open up our relationship?
01:07:38But what if after all that
01:07:39She still hasn't bounced
01:07:41After trying every method in the book
01:07:43Yay, food's here
01:07:45Dude, my foreskin is killing me
01:07:47And you still want to break up with her
01:07:50Because one time she gave you the ick
01:07:52Mmm, me hungry for nachos
01:07:56Remember, there's always the last minute Hail Mary
01:07:58Showing up on your wedding day
01:08:00With a botched chin implant
01:08:05I asked for the Jon Hamm
01:08:06And I got the Jay Leno, brother
01:08:18My Jake, the geese, my clients
01:08:21The whole crew
01:08:22The whole staff
01:08:23All these amazing actors
01:08:25The crowd
01:08:26Everybody, thank you
01:08:27We love you
01:08:27Good night
01:08:28Good night
01:08:30Good night
01:08:31Good night
01:08:33Good night
01:08:35Good night
01:08:46Good night
01:08:47Good night
01:08:49Good night
01:08:49Good night
01:08:50Good night
01:08:50Good night
01:08:50Good night
01:08:50Good night
01:08:50Good night
01:08:51Good night
01:08:54Good night
01:09:07guitar solo
01:09:35guitar solo
01:10:05guitar solo
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