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00:00:02you're watching c-span hey netflix we're for sale too we now go to the pentagon for a press
00:00:08conference for the secretary of defense ladies and gentlemen of the press as you know there
00:00:16have been concerns about ongoing military action off the coast of venezuela here to answer all
00:00:21your questions in a calm non-aggressive fashion is secretary of war pete hickson
00:00:41yeah all right shut the hell up shut it cut the music what
00:00:48first things first where are the fatties you out what i'm not even fat oh really you think you're
00:00:59hiding under that blazer porky who do you write for the chicago trombone because that's what they play
00:01:05when your fat ass walks around now listen up as you probably read in some gay newspaper
00:01:12we're now at war with venezuela all you nerds are like wait but was there an official
00:01:17declaration of war yeah it's right here super finger dean cook
00:01:25now you got questions for me fine pretend i'm a random fishing boat and fire away
00:01:34okay uh is there any truth to the allegations that after an initial strike on a drug smuggling boat
00:01:40you ordered a second strike to kill the survivors uh first of all that kind of cruel heartless act
00:01:48has no place in operation kill everybody
00:01:52second i wasn't even in the room when it happened okay i was so jacked up after the first strike
00:01:56i had
00:01:57to make an emergency call to my sponsor sorry a guy i met at an anonymous meeting
00:02:03so i don't drink something that i like and i want but i can't have but i want it and
00:02:07i need it and i want
00:02:08it right now it's booze
00:02:13next question
00:02:15yes what do you say to senator mark kelly who said you act like a 12 year old playing army
00:02:21first of all kelly that's a girl's name what's his first name dress
00:02:27no it's mark like i said oh get a husband
00:02:34i'm trying
00:02:37well to answer your question if i was just playing army would there be 80 dead fishermen
00:02:42narco terrorists in venezuela right now next question
00:02:46yeah so is 80 the official death toll
00:02:49well is 80 the official no it's six seven six seven
00:02:56idiot let's just say if i had a drink for every venezuelan we've killed i'd really like that number of
00:03:02drinks
00:03:03all right next oh my god is that matt gates
00:03:09that's right it's me matt gates i'm a reporter now
00:03:14question you're only killing people who are trafficking drugs right so hypothetically if
00:03:21someone were trafficking something else they'd be okay
00:03:26we're targeting drug smugglers exclusively
00:03:29giggity no further questions your honor
00:03:33uh i have a question
00:03:34oh jesus
00:03:36yeah will and grace go
00:03:39my name is actually william grace
00:03:41uh how do you respond to the allegations that the so-called war on smugglers is a smokescreen for regime
00:03:48change
00:03:48oh whoa way to solve a mystery scoob
00:03:53of course that's what we're doing and it always works
00:03:56just like it did in guatemala
00:03:58nicaragua
00:03:59cuba
00:04:00brazil
00:04:00bolivia
00:04:01panama
00:04:02haiti el salvador
00:04:03chile honduras
00:04:04peru
00:04:04animaniacs
00:04:07now we done here
00:04:09i'm actually worried i'm gonna catch dork from you nerds
00:04:12secretary hegg said some people are accusing you of war crimes
00:04:15even the president has been distancing himself from you
00:04:17oh wow that's interesting i actually have a question for you
00:04:20have you ever kissed a girl
00:04:22like i'm genuinely asking
00:04:25i have a wife
00:04:27oh okay well send her my way when she wants to actually feel something
00:04:35anyway to answer your question president trump has my back a hundred percent
00:04:39you want to know why because unlike you beta cucks
00:04:42he's a high energy alpha
00:04:44who trusts me and listens to me no matter what
00:04:47isn't that right mr president
00:04:58stop mom donnie
00:05:02you can freeze my red anytime
00:05:07i wasn't sleeping i'm very much awake
00:05:11now someone quickly tell me where am i who am i and what year might it be
00:05:18good one mr president everything you do that's weird is a joke
00:05:25i was just telling everyone here that i have your full support
00:05:28absolutely we love pete he's a great guy
00:05:32it was just fog of war right fog of war
00:05:35it's a thing you only say after doing war crime
00:05:40right you never hear a general go everything went according to plan in fog of war
00:05:45it's like when you go into the sauna at equinox and suddenly you're doing stuff you never did before
00:05:52fog of war
00:05:53fog of war we love it
00:05:55it's a great new excuse we love it
00:05:57so i stand by pete and nothing can change my mind
00:06:00unless of course it could hurt me in any way
00:06:02in which case i'll throw him under one of mom donnie's free buses
00:06:07final question
00:06:08uh yes mr president more americans including your own voters now blame you for the affordability crisis
00:06:14what's your message to them
00:06:21shh he's sleeping
00:06:22we gotta get him to another mri before he wakes up
00:06:27and live from new york
00:06:28it's saturday night live
00:06:36it's saturday night live
00:06:38with
00:06:41michael ch
00:06:48mikey j
00:06:49mikey j
00:06:55andrew disnews
00:07:04wally fineman
00:07:16marcelo fernandez
00:07:21james austin johnson
00:07:31colin jost
00:07:37sarah sherman
00:07:44keenan thompson
00:07:50bowen yang
00:07:51show
00:07:52three
00:07:56and
00:08:00Jeremy Cohen, Ben Marshall, Ashley Padilla, Cam Patterson, Veronica Slowikowska, Jane
00:08:27Wickline, musical guest, Dijon, and your host, Melissa McCarthy. Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa
00:08:49McCarthy!
00:09:14Thank you very much.
00:09:17Thank you very much. It is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the sixth
00:09:22time. And also during the holidays, I mean, come on, pinch me. There's nothing better than
00:09:31Christmas in New York. It's a special time of year. It's about family and friends and
00:09:36classic Christmas music. Come on, set the mood, gang. Oh, that's nice. Speaking of music,
00:09:44there's something most people don't know about me, and it's that I am a musician. And my
00:09:51instrument is the mouth horn. That's right. It's the mouth horn. And I'm a bit nervous,
00:10:00nervous, but maybe if we bring down the lights, I can give you a little taste of Christmas.
00:10:33Oh, my gosh. You're amazing, too. She's just saying, oh, my gosh. You're amazing, too. She's just
00:10:36doing nice things, too. Oh, I love this time of year, though, where the tree is lit and
00:10:42Santa's checking his list. He's got naughty and nice and Epstein. We could all use a little Christmas
00:10:50magic. So how about we put a little bit of snow to get us in the holiday mood? Oh, come
00:11:10on,
00:11:10it's way too much. That is too much. I'll take it. You know, the holidays are always sentimental for
00:11:17me. There's some classic pairings, some cookies and milk, ham and glaze, and everybody's favorite,
00:11:25mouth horn and a piano duet. I should have asked Santa for a piano, but wait a minute.
00:11:33Looks like I just got my wish. You know, when I was a little girl, my favorite song was, okay,
00:11:38and stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. Yes. No, no. No. What did
00:11:48you just stop?
00:11:49I need to hit my mark. You are way over your mark. Oh, I'm sorry. Yep. Back, back, back, back,
00:11:53back. No, no,
00:11:53no, no, no, no. Come on. Come on. Just no more. Okay. All right. Well, I'm just going to set
00:11:59it in place,
00:11:59so watch your fingers, okay? Watch them, because I want to put it, okay? No. No. No. Sorry. Bye.
00:12:09Well, that's it. Now I've ruined Christmas. Oh, nonsense, Melissa McCarthy. Come on. You haven't
00:12:18ruined Christmas at all. Are you Santa Keenan? Well, just Keenan is fine. You haven't ruined
00:12:27anything. Everyone here loves you. I don't know. Now, why don't we do one of your favorite
00:12:31Christmas songs? You want me to sing? No. No. No. I want you to blow that sweet, sweet horn.
00:12:40I'd love to.
00:12:58Come on. We're learning great shows. Just stick around. We'll be right back.
00:13:37Oh, hi, folks.
00:13:38Can I interest you in a free sample?
00:13:40Oh, don't mind if I do.
00:13:41Babe, shall we?
00:13:42Yes, indeed.
00:13:43Now, what is this?
00:13:44Uh, we just got it in.
00:13:46It's called Rocky Lake Raclette.
00:13:47It's a goat cheese from Maine.
00:13:49Mmm.
00:13:50Really good.
00:13:51Yeah, well, definitely think about it.
00:13:53I'll be here.
00:13:54Okay.
00:13:58Oh, hello, ma'am.
00:13:59Uh, can I interest you in a sample?
00:14:03Are you speaking to me?
00:14:07I am.
00:14:07I've got a beautiful semi-soft goat cheese.
00:14:10If you'd like to try it, it's free.
00:14:12Free for me?
00:14:13Okay, well, I don't know.
00:14:15I don't know what to say.
00:14:18Nobody's ever done anything like this for me.
00:14:22Well, it's my job.
00:14:25Here, give it a try.
00:14:30I just, I feel bad.
00:14:32I, I didn't, I don't have anything for you.
00:14:36Like, you, you're giving me this.
00:14:37You don't have to give me anything.
00:14:39Just enjoy the sample and have a great day.
00:14:42Oh.
00:14:46You know what, I, I will, because of you.
00:14:54Okay.
00:14:55Great.
00:14:55Awesome.
00:14:56Awesome.
00:14:56Nice seeing you.
00:14:57You, nice, better seeing you.
00:14:59Free sample?
00:15:00Uh, yes, sir.
00:15:01Uh, this is a washed rind goat cheese all the way from Maine.
00:15:04Nice.
00:15:05You said washed rind?
00:15:06Yeah.
00:15:06Probably better than a dirty rind.
00:15:08Right?
00:15:08We were turning right here.
00:15:09Okay.
00:15:10Okay.
00:15:10Where are you going?
00:15:11Where are you going?
00:15:13Hey.
00:15:13Sorry, I, sorry, I had to, I had to come back because I, I, I just, I can't not repay
00:15:19your kindness, so I wanted, I have to give you something here.
00:15:24I want you to take this ring.
00:15:26This was my mother's.
00:15:29I mean, not my, not my biological mother, you know, because I was abandoned in infancy,
00:15:34but this belonged, this belonged to, um, the woman that was my foster mother, who was,
00:15:39you know, my mom to me.
00:15:41I just really couldn't, so.
00:15:43Oh, look, yes, you can.
00:15:45Uh, no, it's.
00:15:45Yes, you can.
00:15:46My finger's saying, yes, you can.
00:15:49And she, you know, anyway, she was always like, yeah, I'm not your mother.
00:15:53I'm not, barely your foster mother.
00:15:54Stop telling people that I'm your mother.
00:15:56And I'd say, I'm not telling anyone that you're my mother because you don't let me go
00:15:59to school, so I don't have anyone to talk to.
00:16:06Moms, right?
00:16:07Yeah, right?
00:16:08What are you going to do with moms?
00:16:09Yeah.
00:16:09I don't know.
00:16:09Ooh, free samples?
00:16:11Yeah, you can try it.
00:16:12It's a delicious goat.
00:16:13Oh, wait a second.
00:16:14You're back.
00:16:14Stop.
00:16:18Wow.
00:16:19Sorry about, sorry about that, but, uh, I'm just wondering if, if I may express my thanks
00:16:27to you physically.
00:16:29May I, may I give you a hug?
00:16:33Sure.
00:16:33You know, uh, but then you got to go.
00:16:34Okay?
00:16:35Okay.
00:16:36Yeah.
00:16:37Just anticipating.
00:16:40Oh.
00:16:44That's nice.
00:16:45Yeah, it's so nice.
00:16:46Oh, okay.
00:16:47Okay.
00:16:49Okay.
00:16:50Okay.
00:16:55Wow, that was the best hug I've ever had.
00:16:58I mean, like, and not just because it's my first hug, which it was, it was just, it was
00:17:03really good.
00:17:04Hi, ma'am.
00:17:05Uh, do you have a dog tied up in the front of the store?
00:17:09Uh, you got to be more specific than that.
00:17:12Okay.
00:17:13Uh, do you have six dogs tied up outside?
00:17:16Let's see, four, five, six.
00:17:17Uh, yeah, those are mine, probably.
00:17:19Okay, well, they're barking at people of color, and one bit the Salvation Army bell ringer,
00:17:27so could you please go attend to them?
00:17:30Well, you know what, um, why don't you just, right, why don't you just untie them and then
00:17:36let them run off, like, right?
00:17:38Because we, they've become a drain to us, and our finances, and just a burden to us, so.
00:17:44I don't know her.
00:17:44I don't know her.
00:17:45You want me to untie your dogs and let them run away?
00:17:50I don't know you.
00:17:51You, yes, but he, what did you say?
00:17:54I said I don't know you.
00:17:55Oh, he said, but take their collars off so they can't be brought back to us.
00:18:00I'm not going to do that, so please attend to your dogs.
00:18:03Okay.
00:18:06All right, well, I guess duty called, but before I go, I, I just really wanted to pay your kind
00:18:21no, no.
00:18:28Wait!
00:18:39Santa brings clothes on a sleigh, so sweet, but lending a hand is the real Christmas gift.
00:19:18Yo, what's up, little man? You did the snowman? It's cool, bro.
00:19:23Psyche, boy!
00:19:25Psyche? Yo, Nathan, wait up, dude.
00:19:28Jesus!
00:19:29My confidence is cold
00:19:35You can read me like a sister
00:19:40Before I've been half a word
00:19:45With you, I'm sure I'll never be her
00:19:49Oh, boy!
00:19:52What the hell, man? Somebody help me!
00:19:56Oh, my God.
00:19:57Come on!
00:19:58No, man!
00:20:00No, man!
00:20:00No, man!
00:20:02No, man!
00:20:05No, man!
00:20:05No, man!
00:20:05No, man!
00:20:06No, man!
00:20:08No, man!
00:20:09No, man!
00:20:10No, man!
00:20:11No, man!
00:20:19On every part, leave it open
00:20:25A little something for your next snowball fight
00:20:31Hey, buddy, whatcha got there?
00:20:33Ohh, is that a nerf?
00:20:35Wow. Oh, this is heavy.
00:20:37Jesus! A real gun!
00:20:39Who gave this to you?
00:20:43I don't know it was just here go inside Teddy, please
00:20:47Hello
00:21:01We here for Teddy. Yeah, we were told to make him feel special
00:21:05I think there's been some sort of mistake Teddy is my
00:21:09Twelve-year-old son
00:21:14Have a good one
00:21:18Why we closing the door on these beautiful ladies when now we still got some business to conduct Jack
00:21:23Uh, of course. I I don't know how much cash I have on. Oh, don't worry about that. Yeah
00:21:29We hit the ATM up a matter of fact. I'm gonna drive. How about that now? Why don't I make
00:21:33yourself comfortable?
00:21:50Oh
00:21:51Oh
00:21:51Oh
00:21:51Oh
00:21:55Officer, hi
00:21:56Sorry to disturb you. Uh
00:21:57Do you remember last time you saw your neighbor from across the street?
00:22:00No, we didn't really know her. Why? What happened? Did she pass away?
00:22:04No, her mother did though
00:22:06Six years ago
00:22:07And we just found her body decomposed into the couch
00:22:11Jesus
00:22:11We still think the sicko is in the area. So if you see her give us a call immediately
00:22:16Oh, and nice snowman by the way
00:22:25Officer, I saw her
00:22:27Really?
00:22:29She went that way
00:22:31Suspect scene heading eastbound towards Maple
00:22:36Oh
00:22:44Next week, Josh O'Connor with musical guest Lily Allen
00:23:12Hi, I'm uh
00:23:16I'm Donna Fonda. I was told to come and find you guys, you folks.
00:23:19Yes, have a seat Donna
00:23:21Yes
00:23:22Right here
00:23:24It's a lot nicer than the inside of my truck
00:23:28Yes, it's a little different. Uh, Donna, I'm Carol Shaw
00:23:32Hi, Carol
00:23:32Hello, this is Ed Burke
00:23:34Yeah
00:23:35Okay
00:23:35Oh, okay, handshake
00:23:36Oh, great
00:23:38Alright, we're here from UPS Personnel Management
00:23:41We called you in because we received some complaints from a customer on your route
00:23:47No, that's impossible
00:23:48Y'all take care
00:23:49No, no, Donna
00:23:50Donna, Donna
00:23:51Donna, don't get up
00:23:52Donna
00:23:52We're not done. We'll tell you when we're done
00:23:55Yeah
00:23:55Have a seat
00:23:56Uh, the customer provided video evidence from their doorbell camera that we would like to share with you, okay?
00:24:04So just look right here, Donna
00:24:07Ooh, let me hear you still
00:24:12Do the rich people in your pavers
00:24:21Set your porch
00:24:26All right, uh, you care to explain that, Donna?
00:24:30You know, I'll be honest, uh, I was about to use my old standby trick and pretend to faint, but,
00:24:37um, I'm gonna own my mistake
00:24:40I messed up, and I'm sorry, it won't happen again, and y'all take care
00:24:44No
00:24:45Wait, Donna
00:24:46Donna
00:24:46Donna
00:24:46Donna
00:24:47Come back, come back, because it did happen again
00:24:51I don't, no, that's, that's impossible
00:24:53Uh, it's very possible, a few days later, at the same home, after placing a package on their doorstep, you
00:25:01did this
00:25:04People's elbows
00:25:12People's elbows
00:25:13Oh, it's cashmere, huh?
00:25:16How's that? How's that?
00:25:30Donna
00:25:30Donna
00:25:32We know
00:25:33Donna
00:25:33Stop pretending to faint
00:25:35No
00:25:35Donna, you're pushing yourself out the door
00:25:37What are you doing, Donna?
00:25:39If you fainted, how can you do that, Donna?
00:25:41Come back
00:25:43Come back
00:25:44Donna
00:25:45Donna
00:25:46Donna
00:25:46Donna, come on
00:25:47Donna
00:25:48Don't go out the door, Donna
00:25:51Come back
00:25:53Come on
00:25:54I did faint, I just unfainted
00:25:56You didn't faint
00:25:57Oh, no
00:25:57You didn't faint
00:25:59Donna, this is serious, you broke the law
00:26:02Oh, broke the law? Come, Ed
00:26:04Come on, she's, she doesn't go outside, she's not very good at this
00:26:08I'm not going outside, Donna, and actually, I'm Ed's superior
00:26:13And you broke a few laws, actually, because you came back later and you were quite busy
00:26:19Working
00:26:20Look at that
00:26:23Look, dumping out the trash
00:26:26I'm recycling
00:26:26I'm recycling
00:26:27No, you're not recycling
00:26:29Look at this
00:26:30Destroying the flowerpots
00:26:31That's our gardening
00:26:32No
00:26:33No, and you put a live bat in their house
00:26:35That was a bat rescue
00:26:38I rescued that bat
00:26:40Wow
00:26:40It was not a bat rescue
00:26:42It was a bat rescue
00:26:44It was a bat rescue
00:26:44Look, I, you know, it was a while ago, okay, it's out of my system now
00:26:49And I've moved on
00:26:51Oh, okay, well, this video is from yesterday
00:26:54Oh, look at that
00:27:01I mean, come on, Donna
00:27:04I could be doing anything
00:27:06No, wait a minute
00:27:08It's not my fault, okay, I'm a human being, I had to go and I couldn't hold it
00:27:13Donna, you squatted for 45 minutes before you went
00:27:16You wanna see this, Donna? Look at that
00:27:19You shouldn't shame people with UTIs
00:27:21Look at this
00:27:22Look at that, it goes tonight
00:27:26You stayed there till the night time, Donna
00:27:29You know what, with the AIs and stuff and deepfakes
00:27:32You can't trust that video
00:27:33Do you have anything in writing?
00:27:35I'd like to see the complaints
00:27:36Of course
00:27:37In the flesh
00:27:37This is a sworn statement
00:27:39And it is notarized by the police
00:27:42Is this the official statement?
00:27:44Yes
00:27:45Donna, no
00:27:46Donna
00:27:47Donna, stop
00:27:48Donna
00:27:49Donna
00:27:49Donna, come back
00:27:50Give me that
00:27:51Donna
00:27:51Donna
00:27:52Get her
00:27:54Donna
00:27:55Donna
00:27:56Donna
00:27:57Come back
00:27:58Come back
00:27:59And give me the paper, Donna
00:28:00Give me the paper, Donna
00:28:02Donna
00:28:03Donna
00:28:04Donna, spit it out
00:28:04Donna
00:28:05Be an adult, Donna
00:28:06Donna
00:28:08Donna
00:28:11Donna
00:28:12Donna
00:28:13Oh
00:28:13Donna
00:28:14Come on
00:28:16Donna, spit it out
00:28:22Come on
00:28:23Donna
00:28:24That
00:28:25That
00:28:26That
00:28:26That
00:28:28Obscene, Donna
00:28:29So that's it, right?
00:28:31That's it for me
00:28:32You're gonna fire me
00:28:33After I've given this company the best 17 days of my life
00:28:39Donna, you showed no remorse for destroyed property and displayed an open disdain for customers, okay?
00:28:47You do not belong in a UPS truck.
00:28:51Well then where do I belong?
00:28:53The United States Postal Service, now hiring for the holiday.
00:29:13Ladies and gentlemen, Dijon.
00:29:39ENDS
00:29:43We're entering
00:29:51Gotta see, gotta see, watchin' you blow up, balloonin'
00:29:57Better me, better me, kick your heel on up
00:30:00And you is a shoo-in'
00:30:05City and I, Timmy, get your hands on up
00:30:08Look, it's easy, it's T-ball now
00:30:12So just tee it on up, and make it feel like it's cheatin'
00:30:18Choo-choo, choo-choo, choo-choo
00:30:19My head is tired
00:30:21It's so easy, like I'm frown down up, or a gallop
00:30:26Stick in my view, my love
00:30:28So you bring it all higher
00:30:35Turn it in and watch it all pile up
00:30:38It's a girl and stackin' it
00:30:41Starlin' on it one time
00:30:43You see, you bring the love higher
00:30:47And it's easy, it's two times
00:30:51Right in the U.S.
00:30:55It's healing me
00:30:57Cause this is the love higher
00:31:04Well, it's a miracle, you know my love
00:31:07See, that's obvious
00:31:09And I, when he gets up, I tap right in
00:31:12Till somebody else gets tired
00:31:17Well, who was running like a damn young idiot
00:31:21Like easy
00:31:24And had a heart that gave all my love
00:31:27Look, you get the keys higher
00:31:33See, wow, oh baby, yeah
00:31:35I know my life, it could kill me
00:31:38And it's the thirst that's doing my ass
00:31:42But when you really love, it's easy
00:31:44You see, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
00:31:48See, I love you when you tie my tie tight around my neck
00:31:53And double up it when you're all gone
00:31:56Yeah, you get it back higher
00:32:02I wanna see what gets you all turned out
00:32:05Is that too much?
00:32:08Just touch your teeth and let it all work out
00:32:11Till you ring the bell higher
00:32:17See, I gotta tell you that I owe my love
00:32:20See, that's obvious
00:32:23And you'll be proud of how it all turns out
00:32:26And then we are the bad fire
00:32:30See, if someone's there, you don't let no way
00:32:34Honey, how could they be bad?
00:32:37Higher, higher
00:32:38If someone like it, you don't let no head
00:32:40Honey, how could they be bad?
00:32:42Higher, higher, higher
00:32:45And there's an ease
00:32:46It's two times
00:32:48Let it move right through you, yes
00:32:51You're still healing me
00:32:55Cause this is a love higher
00:33:07Yeah, this is a love higher
00:33:12Yeah, this is a love higher
00:33:46It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Chan
00:33:56Thank you
00:33:57Thank you very much
00:33:59Thank you
00:34:01Thank you
00:34:01Good evening, good evening, everyone
00:34:03Welcome to weekend update
00:34:04I'm Michael Chan
00:34:05I'm Colin Jost
00:34:06Well
00:34:09President Trump
00:34:10President Trump has not yet won the Nobel Peace Prize
00:34:13But this week, he did win the equally prestigious soccer peace prize
00:34:17At yesterday's World Cup draw, FIFA actually invented a fake peace prize in Trump's honor
00:34:25And that's why the trophy shows Trump's gnarled hands
00:34:29Dragging the entire earth into hell
00:34:35The World Cup draw was held Friday
00:34:38And Team USA will first face Paraguay
00:34:40The U.S. team is heavily favored to beat Paraguay
00:34:43With the help of their star players, ICE
00:34:50On Monday night, President Trump made hundreds of posts on Truth Social
00:34:54Including conspiracy theories, attacks on Democrats
00:34:56And even a video of his cameo in Home Alone 2
00:35:00Which I hadn't seen in a while
00:35:02And I have to say, the dialogue, it hits different now
00:35:05Check it out
00:35:06Excuse me, where's Jeffrey Epstein?
00:35:09Down the hall and to the left
00:35:10Thanks
00:35:17It was there all along
00:35:23President Trump said that he will soon release the results of his MRI test from October
00:35:28He just needs a little more time to write of genius after the word stroke
00:35:35The publisher of the beloved children's book, Franklin the Turtle, condemned Pete Hegsseff
00:35:41For using the character in a post about drug boat attacks
00:35:44Worse, if you zoom in, you'll see Franklin is shooting at Dora
00:35:54House Democrats this week released pictures of Jeffrey Epstein's private island home
00:35:59And honestly, it's not as nice as I remember
00:36:08I think definitely the craziest detail of these photos was that there was one room with just a dentist chair
00:36:14in it
00:36:15I don't know if you saw this
00:36:16Which seems very weird, but keep in mind, a lot of his girlfriends still had braces
00:36:22Oh, whoa
00:36:23Oh, you think the victim should have crooked teeth
00:36:28What?
00:36:31Head of Homeland Security, Kristi Noem, seen here watching the end of Marley and Me
00:36:41Kristi Noem celebrated her birthday last week at a Mexican restaurant
00:36:46Where she enjoyed her favorite food, line cook spit
00:36:53First Lady Melania Trump has unveiled the theme of this year's White House Christmas decorations
00:36:59Jackhammers
00:37:04Republican women are privately blaming Speaker Mike Johnson for no women being elected chairs of House committees
00:37:11But Johnson claims he's just following legal precedent set in the landmark case of Bros v. Hoes
00:37:19It was announced Friday that Netflix is buying Warner Brothers Discovery for $82 billion
00:37:25Which explains why Netflix just raised its monthly plan to $50 million
00:37:33Officials have for the first time approved building casinos in New York City
00:37:38Including one in the Bronx
00:37:39Because let's be honest, every visit to the Bronx is a gamble
00:37:45I'm glad
00:37:46Glad you said it
00:37:49Studies show
00:37:53Studies show that a short trip to a warmer climate can help fend off seasonal depression
00:37:58Here to give his tropical travel tips is Lance, a redhead who just went on vacation
00:38:04Hello, Colin
00:38:10How are you, my friend?
00:38:13Or as the locals would say, wagwan
00:38:17Oh!
00:38:19Oh my God, Lance, I think you got a little sunburned on your trip
00:38:23Ah, good eye
00:38:25I did get a little kiss of color
00:38:27And that color is, of course, hell red
00:38:31Fun fact, I'm the same shade as a dog's erect member
00:38:35Oh, thanks, that's a great visual
00:38:38So, Lance, do you have any travel tips you'd like to share?
00:38:41To share, I do
00:38:42From Punta Cana all the way to Bora Bora
00:38:45Several places are the beach
00:38:48But when thinking of the thing that fills your suitcase
00:38:51Perhaps consider a bottle of that white lotion we so love to loathe
00:38:56I need to go to a hospital
00:38:58Yeah, I mean, should we be worried?
00:39:00It just sounds like you might have sun poisoning
00:39:02Oh, come on
00:39:03I definitely do
00:39:06But trust me, brother
00:39:07I'm feeling 110
00:39:09Percent?
00:39:10Degrees
00:39:14Wow, the dancing is good
00:39:17It's good, right?
00:39:18Yeah, it's impressive
00:39:20Hey, look
00:39:21Now I have a new party trick
00:39:23Check this out
00:39:23This is a fully frozen TV dinner
00:39:26Ready?
00:39:27Uh-huh
00:39:30Fully cooked
00:39:32Wow, that's really great
00:39:34Well, let's just keep it on track
00:39:36I mean, where did you go on vacation?
00:39:37Jamaica?
00:39:38Close, man
00:39:40It was Ireland
00:39:44How did you get that summer in Ireland?
00:39:46Dude, that's the crazy part
00:39:49I got it on the plane
00:39:51I fell asleep with my overhead reading light on
00:39:57Stop doing that
00:39:59I'm sorry
00:40:00And look, I mean, if you think my face is bad
00:40:02My body got it even worse
00:40:04Oh, my God
00:40:06Oh, what?
00:40:07Why were you wearing a bikini top?
00:40:10Because usually I'm too shy about my body
00:40:12But I finally worked up the courage to wear a two-piece?
00:40:17Well, you know, body is tea
00:40:18What's that?
00:40:19What?
00:40:20No, I was saying you were saying
00:40:22Look, Lance, I'm really
00:40:24I'm really starting to get concerned, okay?
00:40:27About your tan?
00:40:28As you should be, man
00:40:29You look whiter than the house
00:40:33You're not even making sense
00:40:35Then I'll do the only thing left
00:40:37That does make any sense
00:40:39Bring out an all-red-headed children's choir
00:40:42Please welcome the Ginger Kinders
00:40:51This holiday season
00:40:53Get the ginger in your life
00:40:55What they truly need
00:40:56Love
00:40:57And some damn sunscreen
00:41:00Oh, oh, oh
00:41:01A red-headed just went on a vacation
00:41:04I love you guys
00:41:06I love you for real
00:41:10Get out
00:41:14What is wrong with you?
00:41:167-Eleven is now selling the popular Japanese-style egg salad sandwich
00:41:20Which is just a regular egg salad sandwich with very strict parents
00:41:28A new study finds that the best city in the country for retirees is Orlando, Florida
00:41:33While the worst city for retirees is Slippery Bathtub, Wisconsin
00:41:40A growing number of studies show that watching short-form videos can lead to mental cognition problems
00:41:46So if you're watching this on Tik Tok
00:41:48Duh!
00:41:55Today
00:41:56Today marks the 141st anniversary of the completion of the Washington Monument
00:42:03Which was finally finished when they cut off the foreskin
00:42:11Do you get it?
00:42:12Yeah, do you get it?
00:42:13Kind of a thinker
00:42:16Columbia Sportswear has introduced a new line of Star Wars-based rain ponchos
00:42:20Like the ones worn by the Rebels in Return of the Jedi
00:42:24Guaranteed to keep you and all women dry as hell
00:42:30I like that one
00:42:32A new train simulator video game has launched that lets players operate a New Jersey transit train
00:42:38Under realistic conditions
00:42:39Conditions like transporting thousands of idiots to New York to stare at a goddamn tree
00:42:49Thank you
00:42:50This week a raccoon went viral after it broke into a liquor store in Virginia
00:42:56Smashed open bottles of alcohol, got drunk, then passed out in the bathroom
00:43:02Here to explain their actions is that drunk raccoon
00:43:12God, Colin, what happened last night? Did we hook up?
00:43:18No, we didn't hook up, no
00:43:20Are you sure?
00:43:21Yes
00:43:21We could do it right now
00:43:23Hey
00:43:24Hey
00:43:26You like what you see, Colin?
00:43:28What?
00:43:29Oh my God
00:43:31Oh my God, are you okay?
00:43:32I'm okay
00:43:33I'm okay
00:43:34Are you okay?
00:43:40Listen, I think you
00:43:43Stop, relax, I think you have a serious drinking problem
00:43:47Yeah, the problem being I can't get drunk in a bathroom without people taking pictures of me face down ass
00:43:53up
00:43:54But you know what they say, Colin, dress for the job you want
00:43:59Whore
00:44:03No, no, no, no
00:44:07You're precious alcohol
00:44:11Pull yourself together, drunk raccoon
00:44:13You're on TV
00:44:14I know, I know
00:44:16And you never see positive representations
00:44:19Hey
00:44:22You never see positive representations of raccoons in the media
00:44:27The only thing you'll see of us on a screen is us and a ring camera like this
00:44:40Hold on, hold on
00:44:41There's positive representations
00:44:43I mean, doesn't Bradley Cooper play a raccoon in Guardians of the Galaxy?
00:44:47Oh, I wouldn't know
00:44:48I've never seen it
00:44:49I'm not a virgin
00:44:52How am I doing, Colin?
00:44:54I think it's cool that you know about stuff like that
00:44:58I'm starving, should we DoorDash something like tin cans or apple cores?
00:45:03Oh, you know what's actually good that you wouldn't think is good?
00:45:07Poop
00:45:10I'm sorry, that's disgusting
00:45:11Quiet, piggy
00:45:16You all right?
00:45:18You okay?
00:45:19Sorry, false alarm came out the other end
00:45:22Hey, you gonna eat that?
00:45:24Wait, those are my jokes
00:45:27I thought raccoons only ate trash
00:45:31Exactly
00:45:32Okay
00:45:33Exactly
00:45:34Okay
00:45:35All right
00:45:36You know what?
00:45:38You know what?
00:45:40That's
00:45:41Calling my
00:45:42That's actually really mean
00:45:43Listen, fat
00:45:44I know how disgusting you think we raccoons are
00:45:49We hear what you call us
00:45:51Trash pandas
00:45:52Dumpster dogs
00:45:53The Sarah Shermans of the forest
00:45:57Come on, you're not nearly as hairy as Sarah Sherman
00:46:03Listen, I just really hope you get the help you need
00:46:07And I hope I don't get rabies
00:46:08Rabies?
00:46:13I'm kidding
00:46:14I'm kidding
00:46:15I'm kidding
00:46:16Rabies is the last thing you need to worry about getting from me
00:46:20Okay
00:46:23All right, come on, Colin
00:46:25Let's go back to my dumpster
00:46:27And I'll ride your head like a Davy Crockett hat
00:46:31A drunk raccoon, everyone
00:46:35Weekend Update, I'm Colin Jones
00:46:36I'm Michael J, Carlos Statt
00:46:38Good night
00:46:38Good night
00:46:39Good night
00:46:42Good night
00:46:43Good night
00:46:43Good night
00:47:03Okay Lucy, the kid party is upstairs
00:47:06so you can head up there with your sleeping bag,
00:47:09unless you'd rather hang with the moms.
00:47:11Okay, thanks, Mrs. Connelly.
00:47:14Aw.
00:47:14Aw, so cute.
00:47:17Oh, she's great.
00:47:18Well, cheers, gals.
00:47:20So good to hang with you,
00:47:21and I can't wait to try these snacks.
00:47:23Oh, same.
00:47:24Me too.
00:47:26So what do y'all think the girls are getting up to upstairs?
00:47:29Well, I bet they're playing truth or dare.
00:47:32Do you know what?
00:47:32Now, get this.
00:47:33I have never played truth or dare.
00:47:36Oh, me neither.
00:47:38Me neither.
00:47:39Well, here's an idea.
00:47:40How about we play right now?
00:47:42Oh, my God.
00:47:42Oh, my God.
00:47:43Yes.
00:47:44I'll start.
00:47:44I'll start.
00:47:45Okay, Chris, truth or dare?
00:47:47Oh, gosh.
00:47:48Okay, truth.
00:47:49How was your Thanksgiving?
00:47:51You know what?
00:47:52It was lovely.
00:47:53It was lovely.
00:47:55I'll do one.
00:47:56I'll do one.
00:47:57And truth or dare.
00:47:58Truth, how do you like driving your Toyota Tacoma?
00:48:03It's really great for Costco rides.
00:48:05Is it?
00:48:05Oh, that's nice.
00:48:06I love that.
00:48:07Oh, yeah.
00:48:08Oh, yeah.
00:48:09Okay, my turn, Chris.
00:48:10Truth or dare?
00:48:13Mmm, truth.
00:48:14I couldn't make up my mind.
00:48:16Okay, is this dip mayonnaise or yogurt?
00:48:19It's both.
00:48:20Oh!
00:48:21It's both.
00:48:22I know.
00:48:23I know.
00:48:24Okay, I'll go.
00:48:24Patricia, truth or dare?
00:48:26Okay, truth.
00:48:27Actually, dare.
00:48:28Would you like to go to the bathroom and kiss?
00:48:36I would.
00:48:38Oh.
00:48:44Well, okay.
00:48:45We're doing it.
00:48:47Well, I gotta say, I think this game is interesting and fun.
00:48:50Yeah.
00:48:51I was thinking the same thing.
00:48:52Oh, look at that.
00:48:53They're coming off.
00:48:54Oh!
00:48:55What?
00:48:56Hey, y'all.
00:48:57How was your dare?
00:48:58It was nice.
00:48:59Oh, that was nice.
00:49:00Yeah, it was nice.
00:49:02Okay, well, let's keep going, Susan.
00:49:04Truth or dare?
00:49:05Ah, truth.
00:49:06Okay, why does your husband go by the nickname Kip?
00:49:09Yeah, he won't tell me.
00:49:11Uh-oh.
00:49:12Uh-oh.
00:49:13Okay, Ann, truth or dare?
00:49:15Truth.
00:49:15How great was Wicked for good?
00:49:18Amazing.
00:49:19Oh, yeah.
00:49:20Oh, yeah.
00:49:22Oh, yeah.
00:49:22It's beautiful.
00:49:23Okay, I'll go.
00:49:23Lisa, truth or dare?
00:49:25Dare.
00:49:25Would you like to go into the pantry and reveal our breasts?
00:49:32Yes.
00:49:33Well, this game is fascinating.
00:49:35Oh.
00:49:35I'm learning so much about everybody.
00:49:38Me, too.
00:49:38I totally agree.
00:49:39Me, too.
00:49:40I can't believe we've never played before.
00:49:42I know.
00:49:42Oh, we're pretty good at it.
00:49:44I think so, too.
00:49:45I keep wondering, are we supposed to be keeping a score or something?
00:49:47Oh, no.
00:49:47No, I think everybody wins.
00:49:49She's kind of free-flowing.
00:49:50Yes, it's free-flowing.
00:49:51Oh, I think they're back.
00:49:52Hey, how'd it go?
00:49:54I liked it.
00:49:55It was okay.
00:49:56Nice.
00:49:57Okay, all right.
00:49:58Give me one.
00:49:59Okay, Chris.
00:50:00Truth or dare?
00:50:01Truth.
00:50:02How do you send a photo in a text?
00:50:06I don't think you can.
00:50:08I have not been able to.
00:50:09I don't think you can, actually.
00:50:11I can't do it.
00:50:12All right, let's keep this going.
00:50:13Patricia.
00:50:13Mm-hmm.
00:50:14What time is it?
00:50:157.15.
00:50:16Oh, thank you.
00:50:17Okay, and Ann, dare, would you like to go in the coat room and sit on my hand?
00:50:29I'd like that very much.
00:50:31Sorry about that.
00:50:34What are these?
00:50:36Oh, they're nuts.
00:50:37Yeah.
00:50:37It's nuts?
00:50:38Yeah, it's nuts.
00:50:39I've never had nuts.
00:50:40Yeah, it's nuts.
00:50:42Oh, how was your dinner?
00:50:43Oh, 10 out of 10.
00:50:45Yeah.
00:50:45That was a blast.
00:50:46No notes.
00:50:47No notes.
00:50:48No notes.
00:50:48Well, we are covering a lot of ground here.
00:50:50Do people feel like they need a break?
00:50:51No.
00:50:52Hell no.
00:50:53Then, uh, Patricia.
00:50:55Truth.
00:50:55What's your Spotify age?
00:50:58210.
00:51:00Okay.
00:51:01And, Susan?
00:51:02Dare.
00:51:03Would you like to go into the yard and choke me sexually?
00:51:07Yes.
00:51:10That's a good dare.
00:51:11We should play this again tomorrow, right?
00:51:14Hey, can I bring my husband?
00:51:16No!
00:51:33Oh, my God!
00:51:36Oh, wow.
00:51:37You guys, this has just been such a lovely evening.
00:51:39I don't want it to end.
00:51:40Aw, me either.
00:51:42Yeah, this is a bit of a delight.
00:51:44I know.
00:51:44Mark and I always love having you guys over.
00:51:46Yes!
00:51:47This has been amazing!
00:51:48Yes!
00:51:50Guys!
00:51:52Am I crazy?
00:51:53Should we do this, like, every Sunday?
00:51:57Uh, what do you mean?
00:52:00This!
00:52:01Us!
00:52:01Us!
00:52:02Every Sunday!
00:52:03Right?
00:52:03Dinner!
00:52:05Us!
00:52:06Sunday supper!
00:52:07Right?
00:52:08Every Sunday!
00:52:09Sunday supper!
00:52:10Right?
00:52:11Let's do it every week!
00:52:12Sunday supper!
00:52:15Uh, well, that'd be nice, but we'd have to get a sitter.
00:52:18Hell, no way, babe.
00:52:19Those teens drive a hard bargain.
00:52:24Totally.
00:52:26No, totally.
00:52:27Yeah, that makes sense.
00:52:29Uh, yeah.
00:52:30Plus, we usually do dinner with my parents on Sundays.
00:52:34So...
00:52:34How are your parents?
00:52:35Right.
00:52:36Totally.
00:52:38You gotta do that.
00:52:40Yeah, just, it wouldn't work.
00:52:42Yeah.
00:52:44I'm sorry.
00:52:46Sorry.
00:52:47Sorry, I just got excited about Sunday supper.
00:52:50But yeah, like, it wouldn't work, right?
00:52:52People have lives, Mark!
00:52:56Bleh!
00:52:58I'm sorry.
00:53:00But seriously, guys.
00:53:03Don't worry.
00:53:05It's fine.
00:53:12It's fine.
00:53:12Is he okay?
00:53:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:53:14He's, he's fine.
00:53:15He's just, you know, he gets himself worked up about Sunday supper, is all.
00:53:19Well, he's, he seemed really heartbroken.
00:53:22Oh, no, no, no.
00:53:23He'll be, he'll be fine.
00:53:23He's a tough, little guy.
00:53:26I have an announcement.
00:53:32I am running away.
00:53:35I'm sorry, what's happening?
00:53:37What's happening is I'm running away, Denise.
00:53:40I'm running away and never coming back.
00:53:43Because I'm embarrassed.
00:53:44I got too excited about Sunday supper.
00:53:46And no one else wanted to do Sunday supper.
00:53:50Mark, you don't have to run away for that, man.
00:53:52Yeah, Mark, it's fine.
00:53:53We're all having a really nice time still.
00:53:55Yeah, yeah, tonight's been, been great.
00:53:59So then we'll do it?
00:54:02We'll do Sunday supper?
00:54:06I'm sorry, we just can't really.
00:54:09Oh, Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark!
00:54:11No, look what you've done.
00:54:12You've been too rough with your things, Mark.
00:54:16Hey, dude, what did you peck?
00:54:19It's, it's everything from his dress up box.
00:54:22He has a dress up box?
00:54:23It's not what you think.
00:54:25It's to play make-believe.
00:54:28I've never seen Mark like this.
00:54:30Has he ever run away before?
00:54:32Yeah, and last week he was ordering pizza and he said I love you to the guy on the phone.
00:54:37He got so embarrassed that that night he tried to hop a freight train, but then he got scared because
00:54:41somebody offered him crack.
00:54:44Well, well, maybe we can do it a different day.
00:54:48Can we do Saturday supper?
00:54:52Our son has basketball.
00:54:56Mark!
00:54:57Mark!
00:54:58Mark!
00:54:58Mark!
00:54:59Mark!
00:54:59Mark!
00:55:00Mark, you keep a jug of gasoline behind your couch?
00:55:04Mark, stop it!
00:55:05Stop drinking gasoline!
00:55:08Yeah, yeah, maybe we could do something that's less of a commitment.
00:55:12How about breakfast here every morning at 6 a.m.
00:55:16Feels like more of a commitment, Mark.
00:55:20Mark!
00:55:21No!
00:55:22Mark!
00:55:22Mark!
00:55:23Stop it!
00:55:23I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:55:26I gotta go.
00:55:27No, Mark, you can't leave me.
00:55:29Come on.
00:55:32I don't belong in this world, sugar.
00:55:35I belong out there.
00:55:37On the tracks.
00:55:40Where will you go?
00:55:41What do you do?
00:55:43I'll befriend a large, simple man.
00:55:46And at the end of the story, I'll shoot him in the back of the head.
00:55:51But it'll be the right thing to do.
00:55:54Because he has rabies.
00:55:57I think you got your references mixed up there, Mark.
00:56:01I'll always love you.
00:56:03But now I gotta go, because I'm embarrassed.
00:56:05I got too excited for Sunday supper, and nobody else wanted to do Sunday supper.
00:56:10Goodbye.
00:56:17Wow.
00:56:19Do you guys think we'll ever see him again?
00:56:22I hope not.
00:56:26Because he is a burden on my life.
00:56:29He belongs out there.
00:56:31A free soul on the tracks.
00:56:37The neighbor's dog was outside, and I got scared.
00:56:42I'm a
00:57:11Once again, Dijon.
00:57:27When you're hot, then you're starting.
00:57:32Already got work, let's keep going.
00:57:36Now if you want it, see I'm yours.
00:57:41That's on top or all floors, ooh, when are you nasty?
00:57:46Cause baby, we got a way to expand this collection.
00:57:52I can say it again, my baby.
00:57:55And baby, you look good to me, you demand my attention.
00:57:59So give me attention, will I make attention?
00:58:06And you can show me today, all night.
00:58:10Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:58:13Cause it's all you want.
00:58:17I mean we talk, we talk, we talk, we talk, we talk, it ain't no fun.
00:58:21Ain't no fun.
00:58:22I can say it again, I live to like two plus one.
00:58:26And you do it again.
00:58:27Why not?
00:58:28I feel like I don't need to expand this collection.
00:58:37And this is yours, my baby.
00:58:41Baby, you look good to me, you command my attention
00:58:45So give me attention
00:58:47Well, I'm at attention all night
00:58:52I need a love and affection
00:58:56My little mother invention
00:58:58And I might make the human connection
00:59:02A little human connection
00:59:05It's kinda sexy, let's make it, baby
00:59:08Ooh, it's a make-up, baby
00:59:12Ooh, I'm ready, baby
00:59:17Ah, it's a make-up, baby
00:59:21Ah, well, it's time
00:59:26Cause baby, you got me to expand this collection
00:59:32And this is yours, my baby
00:59:35Baby, I look good to me, you command my attention
00:59:39So give me attention
00:59:41Ah, let's make an addition, baby
00:59:46Ah, let's make an addition, baby
00:59:49Ah, let's make an addition, baby
00:59:55Yeah, let's make an addition, baby
00:59:58Ah, let's make an addition, baby
01:00:04Yeah, let's make an addition, baby
01:00:09Ah, let's make an addition, baby
01:00:12Yeah, let's make an addition, baby
01:01:16Fire on the telly, feeling all right, cause we're sipping marginales.
01:01:21Then for the first time something occurs to me, the post-holiday cousin mystery.
01:01:27They tell me every time I see them, but I don't know after they leave.
01:01:31Where do cousins go?
01:01:33Bye.
01:01:34Thank you guys.
01:01:34Bye.
01:01:35Thank you guys.
01:01:36Bye.
01:01:36And have fun in a...
01:01:39Where do cousins go the rest of the year?
01:01:44They go to the Cousin Planet, where every cousin lives, is 360 days a year.
01:01:50They take a rocket to the Cousin Planet, a secret world in the sky, where every day is to think
01:01:56after a holiday.
01:01:58Every day on Cousin Planet is the same.
01:02:01First thing in the morning, eat some leftover ham.
01:02:03Walk backwards on the treadmill in pajama pants.
01:02:07Can tan for five hours, weird nap, learn a dance.
01:02:10Try to smoke weed with our cousin who is cool.
01:02:13Get kind of hungry, try to walk through a drive-thru.
01:02:16Doesn't work.
01:02:16That a family secret is revealed.
01:02:18Grandpa had a mistress he could steal.
01:02:22Look, the mayor!
01:02:23I am the mayor of Cousin Planet.
01:02:26A Cousin Planet is one giant on the side.
01:02:29A turkey throwing in every garage, and every conversation is catching up.
01:02:35Here, you cousins, there are only two balls.
01:02:38One ball hooking up.
01:02:41And the second ball is that the first law is flexible.
01:02:44What?
01:02:45Excuse me?
01:02:45Use your discretion.
01:02:47A cousin is a fire of your sister, of your mom.
01:02:50A cousin is a stone of the uncle of you.
01:02:53A cousin is a bird to sleep in on your couch.
01:02:56A cousin is me, and a cousin is you.
01:02:59On the Cousin Planet, Cousin Planet,
01:03:01the dark side of the planet, are the cousins on your dad's side.
01:03:05Yeah, Cousin Planet, Cousin Planet,
01:03:07good luck with your masters in whatever you're studying, yeah.
01:03:11Yeah, Cousin Planet, Cousin Planet,
01:03:13where it's always December.
01:03:14Cousins don't exist in the summer.
01:03:17Cousin Planet, Cousin Planet,
01:03:21it's a Cousin Planet,
01:03:23it's a Cousin Planet,
01:03:24Cousin Planet.
01:03:42Season's greetings, folks.
01:03:44If you've driven on Warburton Avenue in Yonkers,
01:03:47you've probably seen this gorgeous glow coming from this extraordinary decorated home.
01:03:51Here with me today is the couple responsible for all the magic.
01:03:55It's Christopher and Guillaume.
01:03:56Hi, everyone.
01:03:58Yes, it's happening.
01:03:59Yes, Guillaume.
01:04:00No, put the comb down, Guillaume.
01:04:01Put it down, Guillaume.
01:04:03Okay, so tell us,
01:04:04what's it take to put together the biggest Christmas village in Yonkers?
01:04:08Well, it might not happen this year because I'm not feeling the Christmas spirit,
01:04:11but maybe I catch a second wind.
01:04:12I don't know.
01:04:13Well, you certainly, I will catch your wind when you pass gas under our duvet.
01:04:17Guillaume.
01:04:17Is it true?
01:04:18Well, I'd love to learn a little bit about some of your favorite items in the collection.
01:04:22Yes, well, first we have our minion nativity scene.
01:04:25Ba-la-la-la-la-la-ba-na-na.
01:04:29And then we have one of our favorites.
01:04:32We have, oh my gosh, fashion Jesus.
01:04:35And he died on the cross for our sins, and I am dying for this look.
01:04:39Dying.
01:04:40And next up, we have a gingerbread apartment building.
01:04:42It's a five-story walk-up.
01:04:44There's a two-bedroom, no-bath, we're gingerbread slum lords,
01:04:47and we've just evicted a gingerbread immigrant family.
01:04:51I'm, I'm sorry.
01:04:53Over here, over here.
01:04:55Okay.
01:04:55Yes, let's, here, I'm going to show you this other one.
01:04:58Look at this, have you seen my snow babies?
01:05:00Okay, you gotta hold him right, Guillaume, gotta hold him right, Guillaume.
01:05:03I'm cradling his neck, I'm cradling his neck.
01:05:04Well, you gotta hold him like this because his brain is still developing.
01:05:06Well, someone's brain is still developing.
01:05:08Okay, you know what, Guillaume ran over a woman at the Arby's drive-through yesterday.
01:05:12That's not true.
01:05:12That is not true, I did not run her over.
01:05:15I lightly tapped her with the bottom of my car against her head.
01:05:19You know, you two have such wonderful rapport.
01:05:22We've got more.
01:05:23Gotta be an interesting story behind how you met, too.
01:05:26Oh, well, I guess, uh, we met on Singe,
01:05:29which was a dating app for people who have been burned by past or current relationships.
01:05:35Guillaume.
01:05:36Well.
01:05:36Wow.
01:05:37And, uh, what is it like being gay, being a gay couple in this town?
01:05:42It's a gay.
01:05:43Town?
01:05:46I, I am a woman.
01:05:48And Yakuza's is a village.
01:05:52It's coming out of nowhere.
01:05:53It's coming out of nowhere?
01:05:54How dare you?
01:05:55Where is it coming out of?
01:05:56Where is it coming out of?
01:05:56My apologies.
01:05:57Explain, what area is this coming out of?
01:05:59Ah, let's just get back to your display, huh?
01:06:02Oh.
01:06:02When did you start collecting Christmas decor?
01:06:04Well, it's not just Christmas.
01:06:05You skipped right over the menorah corner.
01:06:07Oh, right.
01:06:08And the Kwanzaa Kwanzaalier.
01:06:12Well, sounds like there's a little something for everyone at this house.
01:06:15Oh, that reminds me, speaking of little,
01:06:17this is a limited edition snow baby tree topper.
01:06:20And the fun fact is, this snow baby was pre-me,
01:06:23so he has the Benjamin Button's disease.
01:06:26Yes, yes.
01:06:27And last, but certainly not least,
01:06:29it's a figurine of Rudolph exploring himself sexually.
01:06:33Isn't it wonderful?
01:06:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:06:36So Rudolph can hook up with a third, but I can't.
01:06:38Oh, you know what?
01:06:39Okay.
01:06:39Well, from Yonkers, uh, I'm Ribbed Kondam.
01:06:44And, yeah.
01:06:46I know producers told me to stop saying my name,
01:06:48but my mother named me,
01:06:49so I'm going to say it.
01:06:50I'm Ribbed Kondam.
01:06:53Kondam?
01:06:54Yeah, no, no.
01:07:19Happy Holidays everyone!
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