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00:00:12Hello. I'd like to thank President Trump for having us. Those of us from the pharmaceutical
00:00:18industry are honored to be here today alongside RFK Jr. and Dr. Oz.
00:00:26We're going to discuss lowering the price of weight loss drugs. For years, my company,
00:00:32Eli Lilly, has been at the forefront of providing Americans with... is he...
00:00:38Oh, no! Oh, hi. Didn't see you there. Someone was dying in my office. I think I'm playing
00:00:50this very normal. Just stand there and stare like a sociopath. Didn't even pretend like
00:00:56I was going to help, like when someone drops something and you do the fake bend, you know?
00:01:00Oh, here, let me help you. Pick that up. Oh, you got it? Oh, you got it? Oh. And how
00:01:05about
00:01:05RFK? I booked it out of here like someone was trying to give him a vaccine. Brain worm, take
00:01:11the wheel. That thing kind of ratatoued him right out of the room. Each week, I like to
00:01:17create a big visual that sort of sums up how things are going. Last week, it was the demolishing
00:01:22of the East Wing. This week, it's a medical professional almost dying in my Oval Office
00:01:28at the mere thought of charging less for drugs. Maybe next week, a bald eagle will fall dead
00:01:33out of the sky and splat right on the White House lawn. And by lawn, of course, I mean big
00:01:38outdoor concrete floor. How's she doing back there? More importantly, how's the floor, okay?
00:01:45A guy collapsing in the Oval Office. Who'd have thought it'd be not me? Don't worry, you'll
00:01:51be fine. Dr. Oz is on the case. Anyway, all in all, a great capper to an awesome week,
00:01:58except for election. The Democrats won. The lamestream media called the elections a rebuke
00:02:04of Trump's policies. Joke's on them. They're Stephen Miller's policies. I don't read that
00:02:09stuff. No likey-ready. Can't believe they elected Mamdani. We like to say Mamdani. You
00:02:17know I'm toward because I like a winner, but I'm not crazy about a Muslim. Maybe he'll convert,
00:02:22right? We'll put him in line behind Urshah Vance, and I hope I'm pronouncing that wrong.
00:02:28But our side had some wins this week, too. Supreme Court said we could stop feeding poor
00:02:33people. You can clap for that. Snap! Snap! And for those of you who can afford food, actually,
00:02:42no you can't. I promised grocery prices would plummet, and they did. They plummeted straight
00:02:47up. And people are saying, but sir, how will I afford my Thanksgiving turkey for my family?
00:02:53Well, good news is your family's not coming because all the planes are gone. We call that
00:02:59problem-solving problem. Killing two birds with another bird. Now you got a bunch of crazy
00:03:05birds. But we like it. We like it. That's kind of our thing. Can't afford food? Have some cheapo
00:03:10Zimpik. Now you're not hungry, and you get to take one weird painful poop a week. How's it
00:03:16going back there? Is he dead? Oh, they're doing the... They got the legs up. That means dead
00:03:21in cartoon. Actually, don't tell me if he's dead. I want to be surprised. Anyway, government is
00:03:28still shut down, all thanks to the Democrats and some Republicans and all Republicans and me.
00:03:34People say, just cave down. Give the Democrats what they want and end this. But I think we're
00:03:39gonna drag it out. We're gonna keep the government shut down. And while we're at it, we're looking
00:03:43into perhaps stealing Christmas. We'll be doing Grinch. I like the Grinch. He's a great guy. You
00:03:48know our wives are friends. We play golf sometimes. Is he okay? He's okay. All right.
00:03:53Well, if you're gonna take him to get an MRI here, use this. This is my punch card. One
00:03:58more and the next one's free. And for anyone worried about the state of the country, I'll
00:04:03say the same thing I said to Melania when she tried to help me do my hair. Go away. What
00:04:08I'm doing is very complicated. And only I know how to do it. And live from New York,
00:04:13it's Saturday Night Live. It's Saturday Night Live. With Michael Chang. Mikey Day.
00:04:39Andrew Dismukes.
00:04:49Chloy Feynman.
00:05:00Marcelo Fernandez.
00:05:02Marcello Fernandez.
00:05:05James Austin Johnson
00:05:15Colin Jost
00:05:21Sarah Sherman
00:05:27Kenan Thompson
00:05:33Bowen Yang
00:05:39Featuring Tommy Brennan
00:05:45Jeremy Colhay
00:05:50Nan Marshall
00:05:58Ashley Padilla
00:06:01Cam Patterson
00:06:04Veronica Slowikowska
00:06:09Jane Wickline
00:06:17Musical guest
00:06:20Somber
00:06:22And your host, Nikki Glaser
00:06:29Ladies and gentlemen, Nikki Glaser
00:06:57Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. Hi, I am Nikki Glaser and I am so happy to be
00:07:04here today.
00:07:04This is truly a dream come true. This is truly a dream come true. I love this show so much.
00:07:09And here I am in New York City, Epstein's original island. It's such a special night. I got a spray
00:07:18tan tonight. Thank you. It deserves that. Thank you. There's so many pasty white girls who are, like, terrified to
00:07:26get spray tans because you're scared. You're like, I'm gonna look orange. And I just believe me. I promise you.
00:07:32I promise you. It's better than you.
00:07:34It's better than what you are. Okay. Don't be scared. They're always like, I'm gonna look like Trump. I'm like,
00:07:39bitch, that's why he won. I mean, yeah, he picked an insane shade. It's he went pretty dark. I mean,
00:07:46he didn't go Kamala, but he picked a shade that half of America was like, okay, we can still tell
00:07:52he's white. So I mean, it is kind of insane that white people can just like paint their skin a
00:07:58different color. And they're like, this is cool, right? Like, I feel like that's cultural appropriation. I don't know.
00:08:04I mean, it's not blackface, but it is like Guatemalan leg. I mean, this is not my leg. I'm like,
00:08:12oh, my God, Miyamo is Nikki. Look at that. Am I saying that right? I get these spray tans. I
00:08:19breathe this stuff in every week. I am definitely gonna get some kind of respiratory illness from it. I think
00:08:24in like 20 years, there's gonna be some epidemic called tan lung. And I really want to be on the
00:08:30commercials for the class action lawsuit. I think that's like such a good gig.
00:08:34It'll be so fun for you, too. You'll turn on your TV in the middle of the night and be
00:08:37like, who is that? And I'll be like, I'm Nikki Glaser. You may recognize me from the roast of Tom
00:08:44Brady. It'll be like me and Snooki. Like, that's fun. Just talking through our trachs, RFK junioring out. Like, he's
00:08:54got tan lung. I mean, that's stage two. I don't know. I'm no health expert, but neither is he. I
00:09:02mean,
00:09:04It's just crazy. We have to worry about our looks so much. And it starts so young as a girl.
00:09:08I mean, I saw this girl the other day. She was probably six years old. And her dad was trying
00:09:12to take a picture of her. And he was like, Mackenzie, look over here. And she was like, Dad, get
00:09:16my good side. She like did like a poll, like good side. Six. So sad because she didn't have one.
00:09:23And it's like, when is she going to find out? She like needs to learn a trade, you know, like
00:09:28hand her a wrench or do comedy. I don't know.
00:09:33I just think there's so many things we do for beauty that are important, but there's other ones that I'm
00:09:37like, why are we doing this?
00:09:39Like, who cares? Like nails? No one cares. Like, I've been with my boyfriend for 10 years.
00:09:44He's never once noticed that I've gotten my nails done. And they go inside him.
00:09:47So if he doesn't care, who does?
00:09:53The only time he cared was when I got them bedazzled for his pleasure. And then he loved him.
00:10:00And going to the nail salon, it's so boring. It's such a waste of time.
00:10:03You just sit there for two hours, just paralyzed.
00:10:06I feel like men think we go to the nail salons like with our girlfriends.
00:10:09I mean, just like chit chat the whole time. But that's not the case.
00:10:11You can go to the nail salon with a friend, but you get separated at the border.
00:10:15They do not let you sit next to each other. It's so antisocial.
00:10:19You're just sitting there watching Beat Bobby Flay on mute.
00:10:23You can't talk to the woman doing your nails because slavery.
00:10:26I mean, I don't know. She seems stuck and sad. I don't know.
00:10:32I think I'm just paranoid. I'm just kind of like obsessed with slavery recently because
00:10:37every time you go to a women's restroom, a public women's restroom, and you sit in the stall,
00:10:42there's always a poster on the back of the stall that's asking you if you're being trafficked.
00:10:46Women, we have these, right? Yes. Yes.
00:10:49They're in every stall. They're in every world language.
00:10:52I mean, English is really tiny, and it's like, you wish.
00:10:54But it's like...
00:10:58Men's restrooms do not have these signs.
00:11:01I don't know what signs you have. Maybe, like...
00:11:03Do you have signs that are like, want a slave?
00:11:04Like, text traffic to 6969.
00:11:09But it's really a big fear of being trafficked, mostly for, like, Gen Z girls.
00:11:13I have a lot of Gen Z friends that I bought, and they're terrified.
00:11:19And I don't relate. I'm 41. That was, like, not a fear of mine ever in my 20s.
00:11:24In my 20s, I just feared, like, good old-fashioned rape, you know?
00:11:27Like, I didn't think it would be a career.
00:11:29We didn't think it was anything more than a temp job on a Fred House futon.
00:11:34But it's real, though. I'm getting scared.
00:11:38Like, it's rubbing off on me.
00:11:39Like, I was out with them recently, and I was like, what if we get trafficked?
00:11:42And they're like, you're good.
00:11:43And I'm like...
00:11:46They're like, we're safer when you're with us, because they think you're our madam.
00:11:51So you have, like, resting Jelaine face, so just keep that up.
00:11:54I'm like, what?
00:11:57I'm gonna get it fixed.
00:11:58I'm gonna get a facelift pretty soon here.
00:12:00And my boyfriend doesn't want me to, and he's like, no, don't do your face.
00:12:03I love your face. Do your tits.
00:12:06And I'm like, what?
00:12:08That's all he cares about.
00:12:09He's a short guy, so they're, like, all he sees, I think.
00:12:12I think that's why he's focused on them.
00:12:14I do date a short guy.
00:12:16He's shorter than me, but he's, like, really hot.
00:12:18And I honestly think that's why I got him,
00:12:20because I could never get his face on a taller model.
00:12:23Like, if you want to get a 10 in the face,
00:12:25you gotta go 5'7 in the height.
00:12:27That's the trick.
00:12:28It's like getting a hot guy on discount.
00:12:30He's marked down.
00:12:31I met my boyfriend at TJ Maxx, clearance rack.
00:12:35He was hiding in it.
00:12:38It's crazy.
00:12:39Sometimes I'll post a picture of us online,
00:12:40and I'll get comments of, like, girl, he's hot.
00:12:43Like, how'd you get him?
00:12:44And I'm like, if you zoomed out, you'd see he's sitting on my lap.
00:12:47So this is a tiny guy.
00:12:50Went digging in the bargain bin, ladies.
00:12:54But, yeah, girls don't like short guys,
00:12:56and I guess it's because you want a tall guy
00:12:59so that, like, you can feel like,
00:13:01oh, he can protect me and murder me someday.
00:13:04I don't know if that's it.
00:13:06But my boyfriend's shorter than me.
00:13:07I've never felt like he can't protect me,
00:13:09and I am certain he will murder me someday.
00:13:11I mean, he is so filled with rage that he's short.
00:13:14I mean, he is just simmering with anger,
00:13:17and that's why I keep our gun on the top shelf.
00:13:19I mean, I can't risk that.
00:13:21But I need him to go get a stepladder
00:13:23and think it through, you know?
00:13:25The number of times I've walked into our closet
00:13:28and just seen him, like,
00:13:31and I'm like, does someone need to get uppy-uppy
00:13:33to get the bang-bang to make Nikki go bye-bye?
00:13:38And then I give him a juice box,
00:13:39and he forgets why he's upset.
00:13:40So, we don't have kids,
00:13:43because I don't want to pass down that DNA,
00:13:45but it's just, I feel like it's too hard to be a mom.
00:13:49I have too much anxiety about it.
00:13:50I mean, it's hard even being an aunt for me.
00:13:52I was staying at my sister's house recently,
00:13:54and at one point I was like,
00:13:56I'm going to go take a shower.
00:13:57And my nephew comes running in,
00:13:58and he's like, I'm going to take a shower with you.
00:14:00I'm going to take a shower with you.
00:14:01He's 18.
00:14:01I'm like, what's going on with his voice?
00:14:07Something's wrong.
00:14:07No, no.
00:14:08He was four, and it was very cute,
00:14:10and my sister was like,
00:14:11he can take a shower with you.
00:14:11It's fine.
00:14:12He does it with us.
00:14:13And I'm like, okay, that's fine for you guys,
00:14:14but are you really okay with, like,
00:14:17an adult showering with your child?
00:14:19Like, maybe it's okay if you, like,
00:14:20come and supervise.
00:14:22And she was like, why?
00:14:23And I was like, because what if I molest him?
00:14:26Like...
00:14:30And she was like,
00:14:31would you?
00:14:32And I was like, no!
00:14:33I would never.
00:14:34That's disgusting.
00:14:36But that's what I'd say if I was gonna.
00:14:37You know, like, they lie!
00:14:39Don't trust anyone.
00:14:41I don't even trust myself.
00:14:43I don't want to go in there.
00:14:44How do you become a pedophile?
00:14:45You don't get to choose what you're into, dude.
00:14:49What if it's one of those things
00:14:50you don't know you like
00:14:51until you get in there,
00:14:51and you're like,
00:14:52well, this is my thing.
00:14:53And then it opens up a part of my brain.
00:14:55No, no, no.
00:14:57I know that sounds crazy,
00:14:58but there have been so many things in my life
00:15:01that I've looked at and been like,
00:15:02that's disgusting.
00:15:02I would never do that.
00:15:04And now I'm like,
00:15:05Pickleball's kind of fun, actually.
00:15:06So it's like, I don't know.
00:15:08Thank you guys so much.
00:15:10We have such an incredible show for you tonight.
00:15:14Sober is here!
00:15:15So stick around,
00:15:16and we'll be right back.
00:15:33I tried to tell her,
00:15:35babe,
00:15:35you really don't have to do this.
00:15:37Are you kidding?
00:15:38I love that you guys do family karaoke nights.
00:15:40That's so sweet.
00:15:42Aw, Petey.
00:15:43I like her already.
00:15:45Well, thanks for coming
00:15:46to our little family tradition, Katie.
00:15:47I know it's silly,
00:15:48but we love it.
00:15:49I'm just excited to meet you guys.
00:15:52All right, party people.
00:15:54DJ Freakalicious on the mic.
00:15:57If you are the owner of a 2004 Corolla,
00:16:00please talk to me.
00:16:01I'm considering buying one.
00:16:04All right, now give it up for Becky and Petey.
00:16:07Uh, what?
00:16:08You put in her song already?
00:16:09You know I did, little bro.
00:16:10Get up there!
00:16:11Oh, my God.
00:16:12I'm sorry, babe.
00:16:12Duty calls.
00:16:13Have fun!
00:16:18This is for my baby brother.
00:16:20I love you, buddy.
00:16:22Love you too, sis.
00:16:25And I give up forever to touch you
00:16:28Cause I know that you feel me somehow
00:16:32I feel it too
00:16:34You're the closest to heaven
00:16:36That I'll ever be
00:16:38And I don't wanna go home right now
00:16:42Never
00:16:42And all I can breathe is your life
00:16:52And sooner or later it's over
00:16:56I just don't wanna miss you tonight
00:17:00And I don't want the world to see me
00:17:05Cause I don't think that she understands
00:17:10Hey!
00:17:11When everything's made to be broken
00:17:14I just want you to know who I am
00:17:19I just want you to know who I am
00:17:24I do
00:17:24I know you do
00:17:27Woo!
00:17:29Thank you!
00:17:32Very, very cool.
00:17:34And they're full siblings?
00:17:36Oh, yeah.
00:17:36Very full.
00:17:38Go kids!
00:17:39All right, give it up for Becky and Petey
00:17:41And next up, uh-oh
00:17:43It's Petey and Becky
00:17:45What?
00:17:46Oh, my gosh
00:17:46Did you put one and two?
00:17:48Yeah, of course I did, sis
00:17:49Oh, my gosh
00:17:50Stop it!
00:17:52What is going on?
00:17:53I'll make love to you
00:17:55Like you want me to
00:17:57And I'll hold you tight
00:18:00Baby, all through the night
00:18:03I'll make love to you
00:18:05So Petey says you're on We Go Beat
00:18:08What?
00:18:09Sorry, I'm a little distracted
00:18:11He's kind of humping his sister
00:18:19What?
00:18:21What do you mean?
00:18:23What the hell did you just say?
00:18:26Babe, we were just dancing
00:18:28No, no, I get it, girl
00:18:30It's okay
00:18:32Petey and I have always just been best friends
00:18:34And we just love singing songs
00:18:36That we grew up listening together
00:18:38Yeah, I mean, we've always been super close
00:18:40We shared a bedroom until she left for college
00:18:44Oh, that's late, no?
00:18:47Yeah, but it was fine
00:18:48When I turned 17, we got separate beds
00:18:50Yeah, the worst
00:18:51The worst thing is it
00:18:53What?
00:18:54What?
00:18:56Speaking of close
00:18:57It's daddy-daughter time
00:18:58Come on!
00:18:59Oh, my gosh, Dad
00:19:00You didn't pick the song we danced to at my wedding, did you?
00:19:03Oh, my gosh, I'm gonna cry
00:19:04I sure did, sweetheart
00:19:06Hit it, DJ
00:19:10Baby, when we're grinding
00:19:12I get so excited
00:19:14Ooh, how I like it
00:19:17I try, but I can't hide it
00:19:19Ooh, you're dancing real close
00:19:22You're quitting real slow
00:19:24I miss Grandma
00:19:25Me, too
00:19:26You're making it hard for me
00:19:29You know what?
00:19:30This is making me feel weird
00:19:31I'm just gonna go
00:19:32Oh
00:19:33No, don't go
00:19:34What?
00:19:35Why?
00:19:35No, no, no, let her go
00:19:37She is just
00:19:38She's just mad that you two are so clearly sexually satisfied and in love
00:19:42No, no, no, no, no
00:19:43We're brother and sister
00:19:45You say hey, say what now?
00:19:48Okay, wait
00:19:49Why don't I just do a song?
00:19:51Just me
00:19:52For my baby girl
00:19:53I love you so much
00:19:55Get up here
00:19:56Hit it, DJ
00:19:57The song that you told me was specifically reserved for you to sing to your girlfriend and not your freaky
00:20:02dicky sister?
00:20:03Yes, DJ Freakalicious
00:20:05All right, you got it, playboy
00:20:11You got a friend in me
00:20:14What? No, no
00:20:16You got a friend in me
00:20:18You feel like family already, sis
00:20:29Are you anxious?
00:20:32Overwhelmed?
00:20:33Have you stopped feeling like yourself?
00:20:36Are you overcome with an intense feeling of foreboding and dread?
00:20:41If so, you may be one of the many celebrities who are scheduled to dance through the Jennifer Hudson Spirit
00:20:47Tunnel
00:20:53I love Jennifer Hudson, but as an uncoordinated white woman, I felt trapped
00:20:58I tried practicing, but everything I came up with looked career-ending
00:21:03Pointing, shoulder shrug, drunk aunt at a wedding
00:21:07I even tried to put my ass into it, but I don't have one
00:21:12I just kept imagining myself in that tunnel
00:21:21It felt like there was no way out
00:21:23But that's when my doctor told me about Hudsicillin
00:21:26Hudsicillin is the only medication proven to cure spirit tunnel-related symptoms
00:21:31Hudsicillin works
00:21:32Not by taking your anxiety away, but by making you so violently ill
00:21:37You have no choice but to cancel
00:21:38And it works fast
00:21:40Maybe too fast
00:21:4230 seconds after taking my first dose
00:21:44I was shaken on the bathroom floor
00:21:46Not knowing which end of me to aim at the toilet
00:21:48That's because Hudsicillin is made from a gentle blend of E. coli
00:21:52Influenza
00:21:53Sea dip
00:21:54And rancid buttermilk
00:21:56I finally have my life back
00:21:58And now my spot in the tunnel can go to someone who really wants it
00:22:01Hey, hey, hey, hey
00:22:05Thanks, Hudsicillin
00:22:07Hudsicillin
00:22:08Because what's the alternative?
00:22:09Lightening up and being fun?
00:22:11Good luck
00:22:21Walt Disney Studios invites you to return to a tale as old as time
00:22:28Papa
00:22:29Papa, thank goodness you're okay
00:22:31Oh, Belle, whatever are you doing here?
00:22:34You must leave now
00:22:35Well, I came to rescue you
00:22:37Oh, no, Belle, it's not safe
00:22:39The prince who owns this castle was cursed to become a terrible beast
00:22:42I'll do anything to save you, father
00:22:45I'll take your place
00:22:46Oh, Belle, you don't understand
00:22:48He's not just any beast
00:22:50He's...
00:22:51He's...
00:22:52Mr. Beast
00:22:54I'm keeping her dad trapped in a dungeon for 30 days
00:22:57For a chance to win over $300,000
00:23:01Disney's Beauty and Mr. Beast
00:23:05Let my father go!
00:23:07No, no
00:23:08For every pound he loses
00:23:10I'll give a Tesla to a random stranger
00:23:13Why are you doing this?
00:23:15Why haven't you heard?
00:23:17He used to be a handsome prince
00:23:19Until he was cursed by a witch
00:23:21He woke up the next morning ranting and raving
00:23:23About sending the world's largest man
00:23:25To the world's smallest island
00:23:28And you were cursed, too?
00:23:31Oui, oui
00:23:31I was
00:23:33And if I live for one year as a clock
00:23:35I get $2,500
00:23:38Now, wait a minute
00:23:39I'm just realizing that's not a lot of money
00:23:42But please, mademoiselle
00:23:44Don't judge our master too harshly
00:23:46He is a man of taste
00:23:47Look at his art
00:23:51From the executive producers
00:23:53Who thought nobody sees movies anymore
00:23:55So F it, Hail Mary
00:23:56And the director of Kai Sanat's Kai Sablanca
00:24:01What happens when the last paddle falls?
00:24:04A man in Albany has to eat 500 softshell crabs
00:24:09I don't know why
00:24:10But I feel like I could spend 8 hours listening to you
00:24:14Well, that is because
00:24:16Mademoiselle
00:24:18You're depressed
00:24:19You're depressed
00:24:20With a laptop on your chest
00:24:22Watch your game
00:24:23Forget your stress
00:24:24You're depressed
00:24:27I don't get it
00:24:29Says every person over 25
00:24:30And I'm building the largest Lego tower in the world
00:24:33Raves Mr. Beast
00:24:36I just know there's a tender heart under there
00:24:38I, I think I love you Beast
00:24:41Really?
00:24:43Even though my top half is Beast
00:24:44And my bottom half is completely smooth?
00:24:48Well, I guess I didn't know about that
00:24:51Dance with me, Belle
00:24:57Tale as old as time
00:25:02Squid game for the teens
00:25:07Live in a CVS
00:25:09For a chance to win
00:25:12A Lamborghini
00:25:16Oh Beast
00:25:16I want to marry you
00:25:18Oh
00:25:20Really?
00:25:21A Beast like me?
00:25:22Okay
00:25:23I will marry you, Belle
00:25:27If you can live for 30 days in a smart car
00:25:29With these two greased up sumo wrestlers
00:25:37And you're, you're a billionaire, you said
00:25:40Sure am
00:25:42Well, then I guess I'll try
00:25:51Disney's Beauty and Mr. Beast
00:25:57If you're like me
00:25:59You grew up treasuring your American Girl doll
00:26:01I held on to Samantha Parkington
00:26:04Until I was almost 12
00:26:05But as we mature as women
00:26:07Our dolls don't mature along with us
00:26:10Until now
00:26:11Introducing American Girl XL
00:26:14The same high quality, lovingly crafted dolls
00:26:18But larger
00:26:19And all grown up
00:26:21Just like you
00:26:22My Teresa doll has the most inspiring job of all
00:26:25Teacher
00:26:26With Suzanne by my side
00:26:28I know justice will always be served
00:26:30And Jessica here is a nurse
00:26:32How cool is that?
00:26:34She takes such good care of me
00:26:37And just like our regular dolls
00:26:39Our XL dolls have incredible attention to detail
00:26:43Just look at the stitching on my doll's suit
00:26:45And all the cool patches on my astronaut doll
00:26:48And my doll's feet
00:26:49So lifelike
00:26:51But what's really important are their stories
00:26:54Suzanne here was the first female judge in Missouri
00:26:57I made up my own backstory for Jessica
00:26:59She's from Lithuania
00:27:01No, she's American
00:27:02Well, she is now
00:27:05Mine hates her dad
00:27:06And she wants to be a singer
00:27:08That's why her mouth is always open
00:27:11The point is
00:27:13American Girl XL dolls will inspire women of all ages
00:27:17And you can even design your own based on historical figures
00:27:21Mine looks like Rosie the Riveter
00:27:23Mine looks like Amelia Earhart
00:27:25Mine looks like my brother's wife
00:27:28No, they're supposed to be historical figures
00:27:31That's right
00:27:32Abigail here is from colonial times
00:27:34That's why her hands turn butter
00:27:37Are you here with somebody?
00:27:39Maybe your daughter or clothes?
00:27:41My dad
00:27:43Mine's an Olympic skier
00:27:46I really don't like that
00:27:47And the best part is
00:27:49Wait, who are you?
00:27:50You can take the clothing from your regular American Girl doll
00:27:52And use it on your XL doll
00:27:54Okay, please never do that
00:27:56Why would you do this to her?
00:27:57Because it's fun and we're in love
00:27:59And their hair is super strong
00:28:01And you can mix and match their parts
00:28:02I made mine by erasure
00:28:04And if you fold her in half
00:28:05She fits right into the dishwasher
00:28:07Hey, wanna trade for a little while?
00:28:09I'd love that
00:28:09Okay, that's it
00:28:10We're shutting the store down
00:28:11American Girl XL
00:28:13We made an XL mistake
00:28:16Honey, slow down
00:28:17That's your third martini
00:28:19Here, have some of your hot dog
00:28:21All right, all right
00:28:29All right, let's do it one more time for Alexa
00:28:35Oh my god, that was so crazy
00:28:39What's crazy is that I'm getting married in two weeks
00:28:42I wish it was to me
00:28:46Whoops, I said that out loud
00:28:49I'll be leaving now
00:28:50Okay, bye
00:28:52You guys, this is so much fun
00:28:54Wait, where are Kayla and Delula?
00:28:57Oh my god, we're on the ball
00:28:59Hi, girls
00:29:02Yee-haw, y'all
00:29:03Uh, ladies, one at a time, please
00:29:05And you're frankly much too drunk
00:29:07No, we're not
00:29:08I only had a martini with a twist
00:29:11And the twist?
00:29:12I had four margaritas
00:29:15Let's get this donkey moving, y'all
00:29:17Yeah
00:29:17It is not a donkey
00:29:20Andre, do not start that ball
00:29:26Hmm, on the one hand
00:29:28I know I'm not supposed to do this
00:29:30But on the other hand
00:29:31I would like to see two buxom babes
00:29:34Being bucked around on a bronco
00:29:36I call this Andre's dilemma
00:29:40Dilemma solved
00:29:41I will do it
00:29:48Andre, what setting did you put it on?
00:29:51Oh my dear goodness me
00:29:52I am afraid in my titillated state
00:29:54I accidentally sent it to
00:29:56Bon Voyage
00:29:58No!
00:30:05So just like that
00:30:06They started their quest
00:30:08Two blotto bimbos
00:30:09Headed west
00:30:10Riding across the USA
00:30:11With all the sights to see
00:30:14Binks!
00:30:16Cops on the highway
00:30:17Couldn't decide
00:30:18If the situation was a DUI
00:30:20Just too drunk
00:30:21Pitching
00:30:23On a runaway mechanical
00:30:26I'm hungry
00:30:27Let's open our house for some bugs
00:30:29Good idea
00:30:30Ah
00:30:33Oh
00:30:34Oh, it's all bees
00:30:35And a bird
00:30:37So I saw the old faithful geyser squirt
00:30:41Then swallowed some Grand Canyon dirt
00:30:43Then saw Usher at the sphere
00:30:45And got hit by a bunch of flyin' pennies
00:30:47Oh, the soil
00:30:50Ate cheese in Wisconsin
00:30:51Which they thought was delish
00:30:52Then went to Niagara
00:30:54Got slapped by a fish
00:30:55With a bird and a bees
00:30:56And a big block of cheese
00:30:57Just two dumb bitches
00:31:00On a runaway mechanical bull
00:31:02We're not dumb
00:31:04We went to college
00:31:05Yeah
00:31:06I went to UTI
00:31:08Wait, sorry
00:31:09I have a UTI
00:31:13So the next thing you know
00:31:14They were crossing the ocean
00:31:16And the Navy picked up some suspicious motion
00:31:18And their Palantir software
00:31:19Identified them as hostile
00:31:22This is U.S. Southern Command
00:31:24You are clear to fire on narco bogeys
00:31:26Hi
00:31:26Roger that
00:31:27Launching hellfire missiles
00:31:33With the military
00:31:34And the bird and the bees
00:31:36And a big block of cheese
00:31:37He's just two old travelin' bitches
00:31:40And a bull going the speed of light
00:31:42Whoa
00:31:44Look, it's almost been two minutes ago
00:31:48Uh-oh
00:31:49Things are getting weird
00:31:54So they went back in time to Italy
00:31:57And met Galileo
00:31:58Galilee
00:31:59And told him that the earth revolves around the sun
00:32:02You're comin' with us, Big Zella
00:32:04I'm better
00:32:06Then they traveled back farther to a lemonless space
00:32:08And communicated with the fifth dimensional race
00:32:11Then Sarah Sherman got hit by another fish
00:32:12In a bucket of water
00:32:15Unnecessary
00:32:16Cool
00:32:16With Galileo, Galilei
00:32:19And the military
00:32:20And a bird and a bees
00:32:21And a big block of cheese
00:32:22And a stew
00:32:24Travelin' bitches
00:32:28And the man who lost his town
00:32:31And the man who lost his car
00:32:33And the andes
00:32:57Ladies and gentlemen, Somber.
00:33:20I don't want anyone else on the opposite 12 to 12.
00:33:28I have my beliefs compelled by anyone but yourself.
00:33:36Look at me and it makes me melt.
00:33:39I know you want to see me melt my love.
00:33:44I'm dancing with the cart I've dealt, yeah.
00:33:48While you're dancing, Mr. Barney Hills.
00:33:51What's it always in your plan to live eventually?
00:33:55Because you need there's no one else that could make sense of me.
00:34:00The last and final positive news.
00:34:07In the room for people I look for you.
00:34:11Would you avoid me or would you look for me too?
00:34:15Tell me is our story true?
00:34:19Or do I want to be too long?
00:34:38I've never felt anything like the love from my final days.
00:34:45Why'd you wait?
00:34:47Just show me who can do it this way.
00:34:50I'd never look at you, look at you, say.
00:34:54We met you in New York City, I said.
00:34:58Can I see what you call my stars to be?
00:35:00My mistake.
00:35:02If I don't think we're happy this way.
00:35:05If I don't think we're happy this way.
00:35:05I'd never look at you, look at the best place.
00:35:09Was it always in your plan to live eventually?
00:35:13Because to me there's no one else that could make sense of me.
00:35:18The last and final positive news.
00:35:22I said one, two, three, yeah.
00:35:24In the room for people I look for you.
00:35:28Would you avoid me or would you look for me too?
00:35:33Tell me is our story true?
00:35:36Or do I want to be too long?
00:35:41Baby I'm delusional
00:35:44And the way you act is usual
00:35:48Baby in another world
00:35:51I don't feel so unloving
00:35:55Oh-oh-oh-oh
00:36:11In a room full of people, I look for you
00:36:15Would you avoid me, or would you look for me too?
00:36:19Tell me is the story fixed
00:36:22Or do I want to beat you
00:36:26In the room of people I look for you
00:36:30Would you avoid me or would you steer me through
00:36:34Tell me is my story true
00:36:37Or do I want to beat you
00:37:09Or do I want to beat you
00:37:23It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che
00:37:37Thank you very much, good evening everyone
00:37:41Welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Michael Che
00:37:42I'm Colin Jost
00:37:46A pharmaceutical executive collapsed in the Oval Office on Thursday
00:37:51And speaking of pharmaceuticals, whatever they've got Trump on, I want some
00:37:56Because just look how chill he is during all of this
00:37:59He's just standing there
00:38:01He's literally this meme
00:38:05The craziest part is that during the commotion
00:38:07RFK Jr. just runs away
00:38:09Watch this, watch this
00:38:18How suspicious is that?
00:38:21Such a weird move
00:38:22Don't worry, by the way, the man who collapsed is totally okay
00:38:25You can tell because if there's something dead on the ground
00:38:28RFK eats it
00:38:33On Tuesday, Zoran Mamdani was elected mayor
00:38:37If you're not kidding
00:38:43He was elected
00:38:44A lot of
00:38:48A lot of
00:38:49A lot of
00:38:50Sliwa fans
00:38:51He was elected mayor despite his opponent, Andrew Cuomo
00:38:55Receiving endorsements from Donald Trump and Eric Adams
00:38:58Which is like trying to bring a girl home by saying
00:39:01Not to brag, but I have hepatitis B and C
00:39:04Andrew Cuomo spent the last day before the election
00:39:09Campaigning around the city
00:39:11In a white Ford Bronco
00:39:13Which is what O.J. Simpson used to get away from police
00:39:17But at least O.J. was ahead in the race for a while
00:39:24Oh, stop
00:39:26Republican Curtis Sliwa conceded the mayor race on Tuesday
00:39:30In front of a crowd of his most loyal supporters
00:39:32Squirrels
00:39:35Conservative critics have been calling Zoran Mamdani
00:39:38A far-left radical as well as a jihadist
00:39:40But he can't be far-left and a jihadist
00:39:44I mean, what do you think he's gonna do?
00:39:45Turn ISIS into ISIS?
00:39:52I worked really hard on that
00:39:54I like that
00:39:57The Supreme Court on Friday
00:39:58Temporarily allowed the Trump administration
00:40:00To withhold SNAP benefits
00:40:02Including food stamps
00:40:04And we actually have footage of Trump
00:40:06Finding out he does not have to pay the benefits
00:40:16Democrat Abigail Spanberger
00:40:18Has been elected as Virginia's first ever female governor
00:40:25Defeating Republican Winsome Earl Sears
00:40:27Who will now have to change her name to lose some Earl Sears
00:40:32President Trump said that he will only negotiate with Democrats
00:40:35When they agreed to reopen the government
00:40:37Adding that he would not be extorted
00:40:40Except that one time he famously got extorted by that mattress actress Stormy Dandy
00:40:49Trump also reacted to news that Prince Andrew lost the title of Prince over ties to Jeffrey Epstein
00:40:55Saying he feels badly for the royal family
00:40:57Trump even sent Prince Andrew a card to cheer him up
00:41:04Hang in there
00:41:06More of an Epstein
00:41:07New Mexico has become the first state in the country to offer its residents free child care
00:41:13Which will be provided by nannies from old Mexico
00:41:21A video has gone viral of a man in Mexico
00:41:24Coming up behind President Claudia Scheinbaum
00:41:27And trying to kiss and grope her
00:41:29So no, he's not taking the loss well
00:41:36Starbucks has begun selling the new glass barista cold cup
00:41:40Which is the most adorable way to smoke crack in their bathroom
00:41:48Tom Brady announced that his current dog
00:41:50Is actually a clone of his previous dog
00:41:53Who passed away two years ago
00:41:55Brady also revealed that during his career
00:41:57He went through eight grunks
00:42:04Scientists have posted a new video of a pod of orcas
00:42:07Attacking and killing a group of baby sharks
00:42:10So I guess we were right to put them in prison
00:42:19A new poll finds that nearly 30% of Gen Zers
00:42:23Think that paying with cash is cringe
00:42:25Even when I crumple it up for them
00:42:33Don't laugh
00:42:35A husband and wife from Miami
00:42:37Have been named the world's oldest married couple
00:42:39With a combined age of 216 years
00:42:42Which sounds really sweet
00:42:44Until you realize the husband is 200
00:42:51Lionsgate has released the first trailer
00:42:53For Michael, the upcoming biopic about Michael Jackson
00:42:56And like Jackson, it starts out very dark
00:42:59But ends in a much lighter tone
00:43:04These are some thinkers
00:43:07Officials in Ireland are saying that reports of a lion
00:43:10Wandering in the woods
00:43:12Was actually just a dog with a new haircut
00:43:16Ireland
00:43:16I guess we are pretty drunk
00:43:23Well, the New York Times recently ran an article
00:43:25Calling the Staten Island Ferry
00:43:27That I purchased with Steve Davidson
00:43:29And called it a money-losing fiasco
00:43:34With more on this
00:43:36It's Steve Davidson
00:43:46Thank you
00:43:47All right
00:43:48You're welcome
00:43:49Welcome back
00:43:50Thank you
00:43:51Thank you
00:43:51Colin
00:43:51Colin, you're looking great as ever
00:43:53Che, starting to crack
00:43:55Whoa
00:43:58So, sorry
00:44:00So, yeah, in case you're wondering
00:44:01Why I had to do a show in Saudi Arabia
00:44:03We're losing millions
00:44:06On this ferry
00:44:08I assume that's what the article says
00:44:10I can't spend $5 on a paywall
00:44:12When I got a kid on the way
00:44:13So
00:44:13Oh, that's right
00:44:14Yeah, congrats, Pete
00:44:15Hell yeah
00:44:17Thank you
00:44:18Yeah
00:44:19I'm just excited to be a dad
00:44:22You know, and give it all the energy
00:44:23And enthusiasm I never had for this show
00:44:28All right
00:44:28Well, I will tell you on the other side
00:44:31I definitely prefer having a kid to a ferry
00:44:33Yeah, I mean
00:44:34Well, what are you really worried about?
00:44:35You know, you have a great job
00:44:37And your Uncle Robert is the HHS secretary, right?
00:44:42For the last time, Pete
00:44:43I'm not a Kennedy
00:44:44Okay
00:44:47Look, I actually
00:44:48I understand RFK
00:44:49You know, I wouldn't be famous
00:44:50Without my dad dying either
00:44:53Thank God that happened
00:44:55Wouldn't trade it
00:44:57Um
00:44:57All right
00:45:00We even gave the boat a new name
00:45:02Yep
00:45:02You know, we thought the Staten Island Ferry
00:45:04Sounded too depressing
00:45:05So now it's called the Titanic 2
00:45:08That's right
00:45:09And it's actually going very well
00:45:10Recently
00:45:10We got paid by Nike
00:45:12To put an ad on it
00:45:13For the New York City Marathon
00:45:14Absolutely
00:45:14Yeah, exactly
00:45:15If Lorne Michaels has taught us anything
00:45:17It's that you never, ever give up
00:45:20Even if everyone says
00:45:21The time has come
00:45:22And Tina Fey is ready to take over
00:45:31No, I actually
00:45:33I actually have a great idea
00:45:34To make this ferry
00:45:35More of a success
00:45:36Oh, great
00:45:36As you know
00:45:37We just had a mayoral election
00:45:39Which is my
00:45:40Yeah, it's my least favorite
00:45:41Kind of oral
00:45:45That's a classic beat
00:45:50Beat's back, baby
00:45:52Hold on
00:45:53You're adding new bits now?
00:45:56You've been gone for years
00:45:57Yep
00:45:57It's now this
00:45:58And Chad
00:45:59Yeah
00:46:00So
00:46:01So anyway
00:46:05We just had an election
00:46:06And if you don't mind
00:46:07I have a message for everyone
00:46:08Who did not vote for our new mayor
00:46:10Hey, Staten Islanders
00:46:12Did you promise to move out of New York
00:46:17If Mom Donnie won
00:46:18But have too many warrants in New Jersey
00:46:19And not enough guns for Florida
00:46:21Well, welcome to
00:46:23New Staten Island
00:46:24Yeah
00:46:25It'll have everything
00:46:27That makes Staten Island great
00:46:28The pizza
00:46:33Wait, that was the whole list?
00:46:34Yep
00:46:35New Staten Island
00:46:36We, uh
00:46:37We can't call it the Titanic anymore
00:46:39Since the people on this ship
00:46:40Will actually love running into ice
00:46:44That was pretty good
00:46:46Yep
00:46:47Still got it
00:46:48I just feel like
00:46:49It's going to be a big year for us
00:46:50I think so, too
00:46:51I couldn't be more excited
00:46:52And my point is
00:46:53Look, the ferry
00:46:54It's fine
00:46:55Sometimes the news
00:46:56Just makes things seem
00:46:57Worse than they are
00:46:58You know
00:46:58Like how everyone was
00:46:59Sure certain people
00:47:01Would be exposed and ruined
00:47:02For being on the Epstein list
00:47:03Right
00:47:04But look
00:47:04It's 2025
00:47:05And all three of us
00:47:06Are still up here
00:47:07Pete Davidson, everyone
00:47:08Hey, Elsie
00:47:09Hey, Elsie
00:47:10Can we get up there
00:47:11I'm coming just
00:47:12On Michael's day
00:47:13Good night
00:47:29Yay
00:47:29Motion passes
00:47:31Okay, guys
00:47:32So the theme of our
00:47:33Delta Gamma Thanksgiving party
00:47:34Will be
00:47:35Pilgrim hoes
00:47:37And respectful representation
00:47:39Of indigenous people
00:47:42Alright, guys
00:47:43Next action item
00:47:44Um
00:47:45This is pretty serious
00:47:47Okay
00:47:48I got an email
00:47:49From the Greek life advisor
00:47:50And apparently
00:47:51Another sorority
00:47:52Just learned
00:47:53One of their pledges
00:47:54Was actually a frat guy
00:47:56In a hyper-realistic
00:47:57Girl mask
00:47:58Is there
00:47:59What?
00:48:00What?
00:48:01Oh my god
00:48:02That's so weird
00:48:03Yeah
00:48:04That is so weird
00:48:05I know
00:48:06Well
00:48:07They asked us
00:48:08To just stay vigilant
00:48:09Okay
00:48:10So I'm just asking you
00:48:11If you see anything
00:48:12Just say something
00:48:14Okay
00:48:15Um
00:48:15So I don't want to like
00:48:16Call someone out
00:48:18Or whatever
00:48:18But I think someone
00:48:19In our sorority
00:48:20Might be a frat guy
00:48:21In a hyper-realistic mask
00:48:22What?
00:48:23What?
00:48:24No way
00:48:24What the hell?
00:48:27I think it's Alyssa
00:48:30Wait
00:48:31Me?
00:48:32Are you crazy?
00:48:34So mean
00:48:35Shame on you, Maddie
00:48:36That's messed up
00:48:38Yeah
00:48:38What the hell, Maddie?
00:48:40Have some respect
00:48:41For your sister
00:48:43Sorry
00:48:43You said say something
00:48:45If you saw something strange
00:48:46Okay
00:48:46Well just say it, Maddie
00:48:48You think Alyssa's ugly
00:48:51How to the absolute dare you
00:48:54Delta camas
00:48:55Don't judge people's looks
00:48:56Did you forget our motto?
00:48:59Don't judge people's looks
00:49:01We judge people
00:49:03By how much money
00:49:04Their parents make
00:49:05Okay
00:49:06Yeah
00:49:06This isn't about
00:49:08Alyssa, Maddie
00:49:09It's about you
00:49:09You always got frightened
00:49:11By new sisters
00:49:12You were awful
00:49:13To me last year
00:49:14And now you're accusing her
00:49:15Of being a frat guy
00:49:16In a mask
00:49:17That's disgusting
00:49:20Disgusting
00:49:21Disgusting
00:49:21Okay
00:49:22Do you see how she eats?
00:49:24That is not normal
00:49:25What?
00:49:27You're just jealous
00:49:28Of what an amazing person
00:49:29Alyssa is
00:49:30Her contribution
00:49:31To Delta Gamma
00:49:32Is unmatched
00:49:33She's already
00:49:34She's just a first year
00:49:35And she has already planned
00:49:36Not one
00:49:37Not two
00:49:38But fifteen
00:49:39Bikini car wash
00:49:39Fundraisers
00:49:41Girl power
00:49:44Don't you think
00:49:45It's suspicious
00:49:45That she never
00:49:46Participates?
00:49:47She's allergic
00:49:48To the sun
00:49:49It's just safer
00:49:50For her to watch
00:49:51From the garage
00:49:51Wearing sunglasses
00:49:52With a pile of towels
00:49:53On her lap
00:49:56I'm sorry Maddie
00:49:57But your theory
00:49:58Is rejected
00:49:59Due to lack of proof
00:50:00Can my proof
00:50:01Be her vaping
00:50:03Right now
00:50:04The smoke
00:50:05Is coming out
00:50:06Of her eye holes
00:50:07How do you explain that?
00:50:10I don't know
00:50:11It just does that
00:50:13Maddie
00:50:14Stop
00:50:15You're making
00:50:16Alyssa sad
00:50:22Look
00:50:23Yeah
00:50:23Maybe I should just go
00:50:27Can we just
00:50:28Take a moment
00:50:30And look at
00:50:31What's inside
00:50:31Her purse
00:50:32A huge
00:50:33Unopened box
00:50:35Of maxi pads
00:50:36What?
00:50:36A beanie baby
00:50:38What?
00:50:38And a framed photo
00:50:39Of Hillary Clinton
00:50:42And
00:50:43And that looks like
00:50:45What a stupid guy
00:50:45Would think
00:50:46Girls have
00:50:46In their purse
00:50:47I'm gonna slap
00:50:48This bitch
00:50:49Ella
00:50:49Slow me down
00:50:50Jesus
00:50:51This discussion
00:50:52Is over
00:50:53All right
00:50:54Meeting adjourned
00:50:56God
00:50:56Give me my purse
00:50:57Okay
00:50:58I'm so sorry
00:50:59For all of this
00:51:00Alyssa
00:51:01It's okay
00:51:04Hi
00:51:06Oh my god
00:51:07I'm gonna pass out
00:51:09In this thing
00:51:10Alyssa?
00:51:12Uh
00:51:13I can explain
00:51:14No need
00:51:18Secret state
00:51:19With me man
00:51:31Yeah I'm divorced
00:51:39I have an extra
00:51:40Med kit if anyone
00:51:41Wants that
00:51:42Brad
00:51:42You're not gonna sit
00:51:43In your room
00:51:44And play video games
00:51:44All weekend
00:51:45All right
00:51:45Come on
00:51:45Let's go outside
00:51:46Okay
00:51:49I'm serious
00:51:50I'm serious bud
00:51:50Come on
00:51:50Take them out
00:51:51Of your friends
00:51:51Okay
00:51:52I just literally
00:51:53Need one second
00:51:54One
00:51:56Anyone have a shield jug
00:51:58All right
00:51:58Give me the thing
00:51:59Okay
00:51:59Sorry fellas
00:52:00Brad's gotta go
00:52:02Hey
00:52:02First of all
00:52:03You never call someone
00:52:04That word
00:52:05Second of all
00:52:06It makes no sense
00:52:07Because I'm white
00:52:08Little jackass
00:52:09All right
00:52:10Get your shoes on bud
00:52:11I'm taking you
00:52:11Some place fun
00:52:12Where
00:52:16Why do I keep
00:52:17Getting this stuff
00:52:19Dad
00:52:19I'm too old
00:52:20For the playground
00:52:21No you're not
00:52:22You're 10
00:52:23I'm 11 though
00:52:25I know
00:52:26But come on
00:52:27Go down the slide
00:52:28Head first
00:52:29Head first
00:52:30All right
00:52:33Feet first is good
00:52:33Feet first is fine
00:52:40You all right
00:52:41Calling
00:52:44Order
00:52:45They're escaping my skin
00:52:50All right
00:52:51Scoot Brad
00:52:52Scoot
00:52:53Yeah maybe you are
00:52:54Too big for this
00:52:55All right
00:52:59Look what I found bud
00:53:01All right
00:53:01Run out
00:53:0210 yards
00:53:02Fake right
00:53:03Now go left
00:53:04I'll hit you on the cross
00:53:04You ready
00:53:05One sec
00:53:12Okay
00:53:12Hike
00:53:13Hike
00:53:15Gotta go on a hike bud
00:53:16Hike
00:53:18Brad look at me
00:53:19Look at me
00:53:22You're all right
00:53:23You're all right
00:53:27Hold on
00:53:27Funny
00:53:28Uh oh
00:53:30Brad
00:53:30What the heck
00:53:31Is this
00:53:32Whoa
00:53:33Is that a drone
00:53:34Yeah I got it for you
00:53:36There you go
00:53:38All right look
00:53:39Just remember
00:53:39Gentle movements
00:53:41On the controller
00:53:41Okay
00:53:42I know
00:53:44God dammit
00:53:49There's a guy on your left
00:53:50On that hill
00:53:52Nice
00:53:54Oh
00:53:54That's your mom
00:53:56I had fun with you buddy
00:53:57I love you
00:53:58I love you too dad
00:54:00I love you
00:54:02More than
00:54:03Your mom does
00:54:04Don't tell her
00:54:06I said that
00:54:06But it's true
00:54:07Okay
00:54:07Okay
00:54:11Bye dad
00:54:12Bye son
00:54:15Oh son of a bitch
00:54:33Oh son of a bitch
00:54:34I feel like we've been sitting here forever
00:54:36I know
00:54:37We were supposed to take off a half hour ago
00:54:39Ladies and gentlemen
00:54:41We do apologize for the delay
00:54:43As you know
00:54:43The government shutdown
00:54:44Has affected the flights around the country
00:54:47I'm not blaming anyone
00:54:49Mom Donnie
00:54:50But
00:54:51We're doing our things
00:54:52To best things to move
00:54:54Uh you guys once around again
00:54:55So we do apologize
00:54:56And thank you
00:54:59God this absolutely stinks
00:55:01Hey ladies and gentlemen
00:55:02From the flight deck
00:55:03This is your captain speaking
00:55:03Just got word from the uh tower
00:55:05It's gonna be a
00:55:06A little bit longer here on the tarmac
00:55:07Probably in about 15 minutes
00:55:09I'll come back on
00:55:10And tell you it's gonna be two more hours
00:55:12Good news is
00:55:13Fine weather coming out of Cleveland
00:55:14Uh should be a smooth flight
00:55:16Once we get up in the air
00:55:18I'm telling you
00:55:18We're gonna be here forever
00:55:20Truth be told
00:55:21Can't wait to get to Cleveland myself
00:55:22Gonna be
00:55:22Meeting up with a young lady out there
00:55:24Met her on
00:55:25The apps
00:55:27Always said I wouldn't do the apps
00:55:28But last night
00:55:29Got a little rum in me
00:55:30And I said what the hell
00:55:31I had co-pilot Richie here
00:55:33Sent me up with a profile
00:55:33That's right
00:55:34You better get that snooker ready
00:55:36Because if you fall on my lead
00:55:37You're gonna be swimming in it
00:55:39That's wonderful Richie
00:55:40Um
00:55:41Already matched with a cute
00:55:42Uh yeah it's a cute
00:55:43Uh about a 7.5
00:55:45Girl
00:55:46Sort of
00:55:46My sweet spot
00:55:48A little out of my range
00:55:49But uh
00:55:49Attainable
00:55:50Uh just sent her
00:55:52Kind of a risky text
00:55:53Uh
00:55:53She said
00:55:54Hopping in the shower
00:55:55And I said
00:55:56Without me
00:55:56Ha ha
00:55:58Monkey covering eyes
00:56:00Uh
00:56:01Been about 20 minutes
00:56:02No response
00:56:03Spending out a little bit
00:56:04Sure it's fine
00:56:05Get you an update soon
00:56:05Uh sit back and join the club
00:56:08Okay well that's insane
00:56:10I know
00:56:11She's totally leading him on
00:56:14Hopping in the shower
00:56:15Ooh
00:56:15I'm a little naked lady
00:56:17Hope I don't get bubbles
00:56:18On my boobies
00:56:20Whore
00:56:21Oh my god
00:56:23Ladies and gentlemen
00:56:23From the flight
00:56:24Captain Dave
00:56:25Looks like we got about
00:56:27576 planes in front of us
00:56:28But good news is
00:56:30Man in the tower
00:56:30Says he's on top of it
00:56:31Bad news is
00:56:32By it
00:56:33I mean the tower itself
00:56:34Couple people trying to
00:56:35Talk him down
00:56:36But we should have you
00:56:37In Cleveland by Christmas
00:56:40It's November 8th
00:56:41And uh
00:56:42And even worse news
00:56:43I decided to
00:56:44Double text
00:56:46Not gonna lie
00:56:47It's uh
00:56:47It's pretty bad
00:56:48Sent a gif of Jack Nicholson
00:56:49Uh knocking down the door
00:56:50In the shiny
00:56:53Poking his head in
00:56:54Captioned it
00:56:54Me if I was there right now
00:56:57Hated it as soon as I sent it
00:56:58Man I told you already
00:57:00What you need to say
00:57:00To this girl Liz
00:57:01Uh huh
00:57:01Yeah
00:57:02Uh huh
00:57:03Okay well
00:57:04That's colorful
00:57:05Uh folks
00:57:05From the flight deck
00:57:06Captain Dave here
00:57:07Basically the gist of
00:57:08Richie's pitch
00:57:09Was something about
00:57:09Slithering a certain part
00:57:10Of her body in butter
00:57:12Then cracking her open
00:57:13Like a crab leg
00:57:13Don't think I'll text that
00:57:15But uh if you have any ideas
00:57:17Please let a flight attendant know
00:57:18Please hit that call button
00:57:18Otherwise uh sit back
00:57:19Enjoy the flight
00:57:21Hey this guy is unraveling
00:57:23I don't know
00:57:24Sounds kind of hot to me
00:57:25Wouldn't mind you
00:57:26Chopping down the door
00:57:27To see me in the shower
00:57:29To see what?
00:57:30Something I see for free
00:57:31Every day?
00:57:32No thank you
00:57:35Folks from the flight deck
00:57:36Captain Dave here
00:57:36From the flight deck
00:57:37Update from the tower
00:57:38Uh no news
00:57:40No news from the tower
00:57:41Update from my tech saga
00:57:42She uh just posted
00:57:44On her stories
00:57:45So she is on her phone
00:57:46And uh
00:57:48I am in hell
00:57:51I'm telling you man
00:57:52All I need to say
00:57:53Is word for word is
00:57:54Uh huh
00:57:55Right
00:57:55Uh huh
00:57:56Well I can't say
00:57:57Any of those words
00:57:57Uh you know
00:57:59I would love to hear
00:58:00A woman's perspective
00:58:01You know
00:58:02Maybe even a gay guy
00:58:03One of the nice ones though
00:58:04Not uh
00:58:05Not a gym gay
00:58:06Sort of all about his body
00:58:07Uh want a nice one
00:58:09You know a modern family type
00:58:10Uh or you know what
00:58:11Maybe even an older
00:58:12African American gentleman
00:58:14That might be nice
00:58:14Kind of a grown ass man type
00:58:16Seen it all from both sides now
00:58:17Ladies and gentlemen
00:58:19The captain has requested
00:58:21The help of a woman
00:58:22A not mean gay
00:58:23Or a grown and sexy black man
00:58:26Once again
00:58:27Any woman
00:58:28Kind gays
00:58:29Or Billy Dee Williams types
00:58:31Please hit your call button now
00:58:32Thank you
00:58:33Can we please just go already
00:58:35Hey folks
00:58:36Captain Dave from the flight deck
00:58:37Big news
00:58:38She texted back
00:58:39And get this
00:58:39She loved my texts
00:58:40And yeah
00:58:41She poppin
00:58:42So I think I'm just gonna
00:58:43Take this thing on the highway
00:59:00Once again
00:59:01Somber
00:59:09Touch my body tender
00:59:12Touch my body tender
00:59:12Cause the feeling makes me weak
00:59:20Kicking off the covers
00:59:24I see the ceiling while you're looking down at me
00:59:30How can we go back to being friends when we just shared a man
00:59:40How can you look at me and pretend I'm someone you've never met
01:00:01It was last December
01:00:05You were dead in on my chest
01:00:11I still remember
01:00:16I was scared to take a breath
01:00:19Didn't want you to move your head
01:00:31How can you look at me and pretend I'm someone you've never met
01:00:41The devil in your eyes
01:00:49The devil in your eyes
01:00:50Hold the light
01:00:52The light you've showed
01:00:54I'm holding on too tight
01:00:59I'm holding on too tight
01:01:00While you let go
01:01:02This is casual
01:01:13How can you look at me and pretend I'm someone you've never met
01:01:19How can you look at me and pretend I'm someone you've never met
01:01:32Someone you've never met
01:01:34Now how can we go back to being friends when we just share a man
01:01:43How can you look at me and pretend I'm someone you've never met
01:01:57I'm someone you've never met
01:01:58Someone you've never met
01:02:08But you'll never know that
01:02:36As a child, Anna would venture through the door in the big oak tree to visit her friends in make
01:02:41-believe meadow
01:02:42But as she grew older, she visited less and less
01:02:45And when Anna was grown, she made one last visit to say goodbye
01:02:51My special friends, I'm going to miss you all so much
01:02:55We'll miss you too, Anna
01:02:57But we'll always be with you
01:02:58In here
01:03:01Thank you, Beban
01:03:03Before I go, I want to give each of you a gift
01:03:05Just as a thank you for all of our adventures
01:03:08Snib and Dubby
01:03:10Yes, Anna?
01:03:11Yes, Anna?
01:03:12Yes, Anna?
01:03:13You taught me to look at the world with a sense of wonder
01:03:15So I got you this thing called a pinwheel
01:03:20Wow
01:03:22Pinwheel
01:03:23Anna
01:03:23Wow
01:03:26Look, it's spinning, Anna
01:03:28Anna, look at the pinwheel
01:03:29Pinwheel
01:03:29I know, I know, I get it
01:03:32It's neat, yeah
01:03:33Wow
01:03:33The pinwheel has so many colors, Anna
01:03:36Anna, you can move it with your hands, Anna
01:03:39I love the pinwheel so much, Anna
01:03:42Pinwheel, Anna
01:03:44I'm so glad you like them so much more than I thought you would, honestly
01:03:48Thank you, Anna
01:03:49Thank you, Anna
01:03:50Of course
01:03:52Beban and Piff
01:03:53Yes, Anna?
01:03:55You taught me to see the beauty in others
01:03:57So I got you something that is beautiful no matter how you look at it
01:04:00A pinwheel
01:04:02A pinwheel
01:04:03No, not a pinwheel, okay?
01:04:06Okay, Anna
01:04:08I got you kaleidoscopes
01:04:11Oh
01:04:12Wow
01:04:13Wow
01:04:14It's amazing, Anna
01:04:16I look through it every day
01:04:18And finally, Mr. Bunsy
01:04:21Oh, Anna, my very best friend
01:04:24You always encourage me to be an artist, so
01:04:28I drew a picture for you
01:04:30Oh, I hope you like it
01:04:31Everyone, please look at this
01:04:44Here we are
01:04:46I fell asleep for a little bit, Anna
01:04:49Thank you, guys
01:04:50Maybe we take the wonder down a little
01:04:52For real, it's too much wonder
01:04:54But your picture is beautiful, Anna
01:04:57I'll treasure it forever
01:04:58Before you go
01:04:59We got you a gift
01:05:01A pinwheel
01:05:03No!
01:05:04No!
01:05:05Go play over there with your pinwheels
01:05:07Give us faces, go!
01:05:08What about the pinwheels?
01:05:09No!
01:05:10I'm begging
01:05:11Both of you, go over there!
01:05:13I didn't know
01:05:13Enough!
01:05:14Enough!
01:05:16Enough!
01:05:17Stop it, stop it!
01:05:24Anna, when you were just a little mite
01:05:25Yes
01:05:27You wrote this letter to your grown-up self
01:05:29And we kept it for all this time
01:05:31To be read on your last visit
01:05:34Dear grown-up me
01:05:36I hope you still do what makes us happy
01:05:39I hope you still look at clouds and see kingdoms
01:05:42I hope you still dance and make up stories
01:05:46But most of all, I hope you don't forget me
01:05:50Little you
01:05:52Remember, that little girl is never gone
01:05:55She'll always be a part of you, Anna
01:05:57Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna
01:06:01Please tell me this is not about the pinwheel
01:06:02No, it's not, we promise
01:06:05Tell her, tell her
01:06:06Anna, Anna
01:06:07When you, when you, if you, if you, when you, when you, if you, when you, when you, when you,
01:06:16when you, when you, when you, if you, when you hold the pinwheel, it has colors
01:06:21Just give me the damn pinwheels, okay?
01:06:23Oh my god, this is worse than when I bought those puppets
01:06:26The puppets!
01:06:27Oh my god, oh my god, Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna
01:06:32No, stop saying it!
01:06:33And actually, it's Anna
01:06:34It's a hard vowel, okay?
01:06:37God, I love you all so much, but I gotta bounce
01:06:42Anna!
01:06:45And it was on that day, Anna decided to never have children
01:07:02Thanks to Somber, Pete Davidson, Lauren Michaels, this amazing show
01:07:07This amazing cast and crew
01:07:08This was one of the best weeks of my entire life
01:07:10Thank you so much, that's our show!
01:07:12Woo!
01:07:15Woo!
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