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00:00:00You're watching New York One, New York's number five news station.
00:00:13Hello and good evening from New York One. I'm Errol Lewis and I am now officially the least
00:00:18famous person to be impersonated on SNL. But trust me, it's uncanny. We're coming to you
00:00:26live for this, the third, final and fictional New York City mayoral debate. Tonight's event
00:00:32is sponsored by Gristini's supermarket. Say, where'd you get that wet sandwich? Why, Gristini's
00:00:40of course. And bike lanes. You want a new way to die? Step into a bike lane. Tonight we're
00:00:49going to hear from two viable candidates and one good old fashioned New York nut. First
00:00:55up, former New York governor Andrew Cuomo.
00:01:01Hello, voters. You all know me. I got us through COVID and then yada, yada, yada, Hong Kong
00:01:07squeeze, squeeze. Anyway, I'm back. I am born, bred New Yorker. I love it here. I know this
00:01:15city like the back of a woman's back. Mamma mia. Next we have the Democratic nominee, Zoran
00:01:24Mandani.
00:01:27Hello, everyone. I'm happy to be here and I'm ready to spend the next hour hearing my opponents
00:01:33pronounce my name in ways you couldn't begin to imagine. And I know some of you are out
00:01:39there scared of the idea of a young socialist Muslim mayor. So allow me to put you at ease
00:01:45by smiling after every answer in a way that physically hurts my face.
00:01:55All right. And now let's do a fun one. The Republican nominee, Curtis Sliwa. Yes. Mr. Sliwa,
00:02:08your opening statement.
00:02:09I'm thrilled to be here and not getting shot in the back of a yellow cab five times by the
00:02:15Gottis and Gambinos as I was famously in 1992, 1993 and 94. But I'm the right choice to be your
00:02:25next mayor. No offense, my opponents, Mr. Cuomo. And I believe I'm saying this right. Zoltar Robzombie.
00:02:34That's not even close.
00:02:37All right, candidates, you're all running to be mayor of New York City. So my question is,
00:02:41why would you want the worst job in the world?
00:02:45As we all know, as soon as you are elected mayor, everyone in the city immediately hates you.
00:02:50And in that way, I am already one step ahead of the game.
00:02:55Mr. Mandani, same question.
00:02:57I want to be mayor so I can deliver a better New York, free health care, affordable housing,
00:03:03free Wi-Fi. As mayor, can I make that happen? I'm not sure yet.
00:03:10But together, we're going to find out that the answer is no.
00:03:17I got to say something. My opponent, Norbert Damn Daniel, is inexperienced and frankly,
00:03:24a Nepo baby. Whereas my dad was just governor of New York. And of course, as you know, my dad
00:03:31was
00:03:31brutally kidnapped and tied to the tracks of the cyclone at Coney Island. I'm sorry,
00:03:38what was your question? Why do you want to be mayor? Oh, I need a job. All right, let's move
00:03:46on
00:03:46to the most important question tonight. What's your go-to bagel order, Mr. Mandani? What I'd like
00:03:52is for the person serving me that bagel to be paid a living wage.
00:04:01Boo. Relax, nerd. Mr. Cuomo, go-to bagel order. I swear to God, I am not saying this to pander
00:04:10to
00:04:10Jewish voters, but it's a latke schmeared with gefilte fish eaten in a boot next to Bobby Streisand
00:04:16by the light of a menorah. Once again, boo. Mr. Sliwa, go-to bagel order.
00:04:26As you know, in 1982, I had my penis cut off and fed to me by the Yakuza. So obviously,
00:04:35blueberry bagel, toasted odds, strawberry cream cheese eaten over a garbage can.
00:04:39All right, thank you, candidates. Now let's take a moment to thank a few more of tonight's
00:04:44sponsors. Petty Caps, slower than walking, louder than hell. And Hudson Yards, shop, dine,
00:04:53or take the easy way out at Hudson Yards.
00:05:01Moving on, moving on to our next topic, what would you like to say to undecided voters?
00:05:07Governor Cuomo, let's start with you.
00:05:09Listen, I have actual governing experience. I have the relationships to get the job done
00:05:15and the support of some of the finest people in the city.
00:05:20Like me, Mayor Eric Adams.
00:05:23This is my guy right here, man. Listen up. If you like me, you're gonna love this guy.
00:05:27He like me, part two.
00:05:30No, no, Eric, remember the plan.
00:05:32Oh, oh yeah, I got you, man. I got you.
00:05:35I, Eric Adams, endorse him.
00:05:37Zorgon, member, grandma.
00:05:40No, no, no. No, thank you.
00:05:43All right, Mr. Momdani, your message to undecided voters?
00:05:47My message is this.
00:05:52Hey, girl, I know you, uh, got a little white guilt for gentrifying that Spanish neighborhood,
00:05:57don't you?
00:05:59Why don't you vote for me? You know, you feel a little less bad about that chicken and rice
00:06:03shop getting turned into a sweet green, so...
00:06:06Why don't you hit me up at the ballot box, girl?
00:06:13Mr. Momdani,
00:06:15you were warned that this is not the forum for your tiktokery.
00:06:18And finally, Mr. Sliwa,
00:06:20why should New Yorkers vote for you?
00:06:23It's simple.
00:06:24I'm the only candidate here who has been dangled by my testicles off the Varenzano Bridge
00:06:29by a little-known gang called the Lords of Flatbush.
00:06:33I was also poured into the foundation of Giant Stadium and crawled my way out.
00:06:38And just on my way here, I was ejaculated upon at the great Stardust Diner by a Times Square
00:06:44Spider-Man.
00:06:48Just, just on your way here?
00:06:51All right, let's move on.
00:06:53From congestion pricing to homelessness to ice raids, there are many issues facing our city.
00:06:58What do you think is the biggest problem you have to confront as mayor?
00:07:03It's me!
00:07:05Yes!
00:07:06They can pretend this election is about housing and taxes, but we all know it's about me, right?
00:07:11Because I'm going to be very involved, very hands-on.
00:07:14This guy knows about hands-on, right, Cuomo?
00:07:18Hey-o, you got me.
00:07:19Look at these candidates we got.
00:07:21Look at Curtis Lee.
00:07:22Well, I love them, but we got to do something about that Emily in Paris looking hat, right?
00:07:27She's my Rushmore Max!
00:07:30And here we have the frontrunners.
00:07:33Oh, my God.
00:07:36Looks like the subway takes guy went to go work at McKenzie.
00:07:40He's too young to lead, folks.
00:07:42He's too young.
00:07:42He doesn't have the wobbly walk.
00:07:45Or, frankly, the mind.
00:07:46I have good brain.
00:07:48I took a cognitive test.
00:07:51I did so well on my cognitive test that they immediately gave me an MRI.
00:07:57They said, we've never seen anything like it.
00:08:00But in terms of election, I'd like to go back to that very important question.
00:08:04The bagel.
00:08:05My go-to bagel order is Big Mac with a hole in the middle.
00:08:10And I may not live in New York anymore.
00:08:13Oh, oh.
00:08:15But I'm always watching, lurking in the shadows.
00:08:19Much like the late, great Phantom of the Opera.
00:08:23Terrible what happened to him in terms of opera and with regard to being burned by a chandelier.
00:08:29Perhaps I'll add New York mayor to my list of duties.
00:08:34Come on.
00:08:35Open up your mind.
00:08:37Let your fantasies unwind.
00:08:41In this darkness which you know you cannot find.
00:08:46The darkness of the music of the night.
00:08:55And live from New York in Saturday night.
00:09:05It's Saturday Night Live with Michael Chay.
00:09:17Mikey Day.
00:09:19Mikey Day.
00:09:20Mikey Day.
00:09:24Andrew Dismukes.
00:09:34Chloe Fineman.
00:09:36Chloe Fineman.
00:09:45Marcello Fernandez.
00:09:51James Austin Johnson.
00:09:54James Austin Johnson.
00:10:01Colin Jost.
00:10:06Sarah Sherman.
00:10:12Kenan Thompson.
00:10:14Kenan Thompson.
00:10:18Bowen Yang.
00:10:23Featuring.
00:10:25Tommy Brennan.
00:10:29Jeremy Colhane.
00:10:34Ben Marshall.
00:10:42Ashley Padilla.
00:10:46Cam Patterson.
00:10:49Cam Patterson.
00:10:50Veronica Slowikowska.
00:10:55Jane Wickline.
00:11:02Musical guest.
00:11:05Brandi Carlile.
00:11:08And your host, Miles Teller.
00:11:14Ladies and gentlemen, Miles Teller.
00:11:40Thank you very much.
00:11:41I am so happy to be back hosting SNL the last time.
00:11:48The last time I hosted was in 2022.
00:11:51It means a lot to be here for me, especially on Halloween weekend.
00:11:55Because, yeah, because when I was a kid, me and my sisters used to go trick-or-treating
00:12:00as SNL characters.
00:12:02So I don't know if you remember the Night of the Roxbury guys.
00:12:04They're the best.
00:12:05Will Ferrell.
00:12:06Chris Kattan.
00:12:08Yeah.
00:12:11Let's show them.
00:12:12Where are they?
00:12:13There they are.
00:12:14Nice.
00:12:15Yeah.
00:12:15Well, we went as them one year, and here's a photo of me and my sisters.
00:12:26I mean, honestly, I'm just now realizing how far off we were with that look.
00:12:32It's like we just look like little Greek men.
00:12:35It must have been so confusing, me and my sisters going up the doors just like...
00:12:47But growing up, I moved around a lot.
00:12:50So SNL has always been one of the more consistent parts of my life.
00:12:55I lived in Pennsylvania, Georgia, Delaware, Jersey, and Florida all before I was 12.
00:13:01So, honestly, it gets a bit confusing when people ask me where I'm from.
00:13:07I'm like, I don't know, man.
00:13:08Top Gun 2?
00:13:08Like, where are you from?
00:13:13But that's why I love coming here, because I have a lot of memories.
00:13:17Like, right there.
00:13:18That's where I had my first beer.
00:13:21Not ever, just like today.
00:13:25And over there, oh, that's where I almost fell getting out of my costume.
00:13:28And right there, that's where Bowen said, well, Miles, you probably fell because you had so many beers.
00:13:34I just love memories.
00:13:36It's really nice, just to reflect.
00:13:38But honestly, guys, I'm so happy to be here with all of you.
00:13:42A lot has happened since the last time that I hosted.
00:13:45A few months ago, my wife and I lost our house in the Palisades Fire.
00:13:48But don't worry.
00:13:49Seriously, do not worry.
00:13:50We're doing great.
00:13:51I see her up there, baby.
00:13:53But that experience has made me incredibly grateful to have so many places that I can call home.
00:14:00But based on what happened to the last place that I called home, I just want to say, there's fire
00:14:06exits located there, there, there.
00:14:08We got two in the back.
00:14:10Thank you, guys.
00:14:11We're going to have a great show.
00:14:12Brenda Carla is here.
00:14:13We can all be right back.
00:14:15Let's go.
00:14:33We got two.
00:14:35We got two.
00:14:35We got two.
00:14:35We got one.
00:14:36It's What Did I Do Last Night.
00:14:39And here's your host.
00:14:45Hello.
00:14:46Hello, hello, hello.
00:14:47I am your host, Gay Foupé.
00:14:51And welcome back to What Did I Do Last Night, the only game show where three deeply hungover contestants
00:14:57have to figure out what they got up to the night before.
00:15:01And, of course, today is our extra painful
00:15:04day-after-Halloween edition.
00:15:06Let's meet our players.
00:15:09Oh, God!
00:15:10Oh, turn it down.
00:15:12All right, first up, we've got Kenneth from New Jersey.
00:15:15Hello, Kenneth.
00:15:17Oh, man, Stink's over here.
00:15:19Yeah, I clawed the castle last night.
00:15:21And what's that?
00:15:22It's when you drink 14 white claws
00:15:24and then you eat White Castle.
00:15:26Well, you got a death wish, brother.
00:15:29Next, we have Elizabeth from New Mexico.
00:15:32What was your costume?
00:15:33Sexy cat.
00:15:35I'm sure it started that way.
00:15:38If you were at the shelter, you'd be put down, girl.
00:15:42And your name is Rondell from where?
00:15:46It's Ron from Delaware.
00:15:49I was shaking when I wrote that.
00:15:52Yeah, okay.
00:15:53Louie, why don't we tell them what they're playing for?
00:15:55Today's grand prize is
00:15:57a large Pedialyte and a bacon, egg, and cheese.
00:15:59Oh, my God.
00:16:01I need that.
00:16:02I need that now.
00:16:04I need that.
00:16:05Well, you can have it if you win.
00:16:08Kenneth, you're up first.
00:16:09What was your Uber faux pas?
00:16:12Was it A, a little puke?
00:16:16B, made your driver go through the drive-thru and pay for your food?
00:16:20Or C, asked for the ox and then watched porn?
00:16:27Knowing myself, I'm going to say I puked in the Uber.
00:16:31Oh, so close.
00:16:33That was actually a trick question.
00:16:34You did puke, but it wasn't in an Uber.
00:16:37You just saw a guy in a Camry and you got in.
00:16:41In my defense, I do that a lot.
00:16:45Doesn't matter.
00:16:46Your penalty is listening to my nephew Andre learn the sax.
00:16:50No.
00:16:51Oh, no.
00:16:53Stop.
00:16:53Oh, stop.
00:16:55No, no.
00:16:59All right.
00:17:01Next up, Elizabeth, your question is,
00:17:04who did you bite and where did you bite them?
00:17:07I picked someone?
00:17:08You most certainly did.
00:17:10And your choices are A, your friend Jenna in the neck,
00:17:14B, yourself on the tongue,
00:17:17or C, the bouncer on the nipple.
00:17:21Oh, oh, my tongue hurts today,
00:17:23so I'm thinking B, myself.
00:17:26No.
00:17:27The answer was all of the above.
00:17:30And your penalty is catching up with an acquaintance from high school.
00:17:37Hey, I'm sure you heard,
00:17:39but things haven't been going great for me.
00:17:41Anyway, thanks for agreeing to help me move.
00:17:43No!
00:17:47All right, now, Ron,
00:17:48your question includes a video clue.
00:17:49This is security footage of you at the ATM last night.
00:17:53Oh, God.
00:17:54Louie, let's roll the tape.
00:17:56A money machine.
00:17:58A money machine.
00:18:00A money machine.
00:18:02Oh, oh, oh.
00:18:04Oh.
00:18:06Oh, look at him go.
00:18:09Oh, he's on the door.
00:18:13Oh, oh, a little cameo.
00:18:16A little cameo from Elizabeth.
00:18:17And she bit you.
00:18:19There's a lot of trouble there.
00:18:22What's your question, man?
00:18:24No question.
00:18:26I just wanted to make you watch that clip.
00:18:28But your prize for watching it is a chair.
00:18:32Why don't you take a seat, Ron?
00:18:33Oh, thank God.
00:18:35Oh, my God, that's huge.
00:18:37This changes everything.
00:18:39Oh, that's so huge.
00:18:41Oh.
00:18:43All right, Kenneth.
00:18:44For an opportunity to steal the chair,
00:18:47which of these individuals gave you that black eye?
00:18:51Was it A, this older woman,
00:18:55B, this little boy,
00:18:58or C, a stop sign?
00:19:02Uh, I mean, none of them are good.
00:19:05But I guess I'll say the lady.
00:19:08No, the little boy.
00:19:11You stole his costume.
00:19:13Uh, I was wondering why I was dressed as a corn.
00:19:16Okay.
00:19:17All right.
00:19:21Last up is Elizabeth for a chance at the grand prize,
00:19:25the bacon, egg, and cheese,
00:19:27and the Pedialyte.
00:19:28Oh, oh.
00:19:30Who did you make out with last night?
00:19:33Same options as before.
00:19:37Old lady, little boy, stop sign.
00:19:41Uh, I woke up with a chip tooth.
00:19:43Gotta be the stop sign.
00:19:45That is right, you trash cat.
00:19:47Get over here.
00:19:49Oh, well, that's our time for today.
00:19:51I am gay for pay.
00:19:53Thanks for watching.
00:20:02This week on a very special episode of Property Brothers.
00:20:05I'm Drew Scott, and I'm a real estate expert.
00:20:08I'm his twin brother, Jonathan, and I'm a contractor.
00:20:11That means I find the perfect property,
00:20:13and I actually have to renovate the darn thing.
00:20:17This week, we're taking on our biggest challenge yet,
00:20:19building the new White House ballroom.
00:20:23Hi.
00:20:24Good property, brother.
00:20:25Thanks to you, chef.
00:20:26So which one of you is married to new girl,
00:20:28and which one of you is the gay?
00:20:31I'm married to new girl.
00:20:32Donald and Melania moved into this house nine years ago.
00:20:35They were evicted for four years, but they moved back in.
00:20:38Donald has a strong eye for interior design.
00:20:41I put these gold urns everywhere, like a hundred in every room,
00:20:46and that makes me happy.
00:20:47It's very important to be happy these days.
00:20:50Really dark stuff happening in the world, some of it me.
00:20:53And here's a crown I just got from my trip to Asia.
00:20:57Nothing says democracy like a crown, right?
00:21:01And his wife, Melania, well, she's got a style all her own.
00:21:04And I love these Halloween decorations you put up.
00:21:06Those are for Christmas.
00:21:10The Trumps have already made a few subtle changes to the house.
00:21:13Donald got rid of the portrait of FDR,
00:21:16and he put a painting of himself as a soldier from Halo.
00:21:20Learned his name as Master Chief.
00:21:22You know, it's Aubrey.
00:21:23You can't even say Master Chief anymore, right?
00:21:25You got to say Primary Chief.
00:21:26They also paved the Rose Garden
00:21:28and turned it into what looks like
00:21:30outdoor seating at an Olive Garden.
00:21:32But Donald and Melania still feel like something's missing.
00:21:35The house is only 55,000 square feet and 132 rooms.
00:21:40We need more space.
00:21:42Right, Addy? We need more space.
00:21:44And we need a ballroom, because Donald, he loves to dance.
00:21:47I'm a terrific dancer.
00:21:49Terrific dancer.
00:21:50Just ask your eyes.
00:21:53Right?
00:21:54We asked Donald what his budget was,
00:21:56and he said between $350 million and infinity.
00:22:00And then we asked if he needed a permit,
00:22:02and Donald laughed really hard.
00:22:03He said, I could build this ballroom
00:22:05with the bones of my enemies,
00:22:06and no one could stop me,
00:22:08as opposed to a bonehead like my brother.
00:22:10Oh, you hush up.
00:22:13We showed Donald our plan for a ballroom
00:22:15that would match the current proportions,
00:22:17but he kept clicking enlarge.
00:22:18I think it's now over the fence and into the street.
00:22:20They can drive around it.
00:22:21Oh, and I want a ring for MMA fights.
00:22:25Official ones, but also casual fights in the backyard.
00:22:28You know what I'm talking about?
00:22:29Two mentally ill guys just wailing on each other.
00:22:32We can do bum fights again.
00:22:34Remember bum fights?
00:22:35We love bum fights.
00:22:36To nail down the style of the ballroom,
00:22:39we asked Donald to come up with an inspo board.
00:22:41This kind of vibe.
00:22:42And this guy's, I don't know if you met him,
00:22:44but he's a great guy.
00:22:45And then something like this could also be nice.
00:22:48I told Donald that our number one priority
00:22:50was to preserve the historic nature of the building.
00:22:53And he sent me back this gift.
00:22:55So we demolished the entire East Wing in two days.
00:23:01With the government still shut down
00:23:03and so many workers furloughed,
00:23:05we were able to force park rangers and astronauts
00:23:07to do a lot of the demolition.
00:23:09Are you sad to lose the historic presidential movie theater?
00:23:12You know, Bill Clinton called it
00:23:13the best perk of being president.
00:23:15Bill Clinton said that.
00:23:16He said that the best perk for him
00:23:19was the movie theater.
00:23:21Unfortunately, the renovation hit a bit of a snag
00:23:24when Donald realized he had deported
00:23:25all the construction workers.
00:23:27I pulled into the Home Depot parking lot
00:23:29and yelled, just give me the whites.
00:23:32You know, I want the day laborers
00:23:34from Norway and Sweden,
00:23:35but apparently they don't exist.
00:23:37But in the end, we're confident
00:23:39the new ballroom will be a shining beacon
00:23:41of freedom for all Americans.
00:23:43And it'll be ready just in time for my third term.
00:23:46That's right.
00:23:47We want this to be our forever hope.
00:23:49Yes, because we're not leaving.
00:23:51We're going to be doing something called cool.
00:23:53And we'll make sure that Trump's dream
00:23:54becomes a reality.
00:23:56If my dumb brother doesn't screw it up.
00:23:59Seriously?
00:24:00F*** you.
00:24:03Thank you so much.
00:24:05Okay, I guess the only thing left
00:24:06is the payment for the construction.
00:24:08Aren't you guys from Canada?
00:24:10Yeah.
00:24:11Ice!
00:24:12There goes ice.
00:24:14We're like a bigot ice.
00:24:15Spooky.
00:24:16Very spooky.
00:24:17It's a very spooky secret police thing.
00:24:19Property Brothers.
00:24:20Only on HGTV and True Social.
00:24:25Next week, Nikki Glaser
00:24:28with musical guest Tom Bird.
00:24:51Gentlemen, thank you so much for coming in
00:24:53to do these promos for the National Hockey League's
00:24:56Community Outreach Day.
00:24:57We're so glad to have players from the New York Rangers,
00:25:00the L.A. Kings, and the Nashville Predators.
00:25:03My name is Didier LaRue.
00:25:04And I just go by Midge.
00:25:06You may know us from such works as the second iteration
00:25:09of the J.G. Wentworth commercial
00:25:11where they sang on a bus.
00:25:14All right, just read the lines
00:25:15and we should be out of here in no time.
00:25:17All right, and action.
00:25:19The NHL is proud of the charity work
00:25:21we do in our communities.
00:25:23That's right.
00:25:23I may be a king on the ice,
00:25:25but I'm also a king in the community.
00:25:28And I'm a ranger in my community.
00:25:30And I'm a predator in my community.
00:25:32When you see this face,
00:25:34you just know a predator is in the community.
00:25:37Wait, wait, wait.
00:25:37Can we cut?
00:25:38Cut?
00:25:39Uh-oh, what's the issue, man?
00:25:41Yeah, I mean, do I have to say
00:25:42that I'm a predator in my community?
00:25:45Why not?
00:25:45You play for the Nashville Predators.
00:25:48Yeah, but, I mean,
00:25:49you hear how it sounds, right?
00:25:52Okay, so it's gonna be one of those shoes.
00:25:55Diva alert!
00:25:57I sense it, too.
00:25:59Let's move on.
00:26:00We're losing light.
00:26:01We're indoors.
00:26:03I'm sorry.
00:26:04Did you get an avail check
00:26:06to A.D. a Justin Long Chobani commercial?
00:26:09I don't know what any of that means.
00:26:12Yeah, I didn't think so.
00:26:14Why don't you do your job
00:26:15and I'll do mine, bud.
00:26:16Let's move on.
00:26:16Do the next copy.
00:26:17And action.
00:26:20As a New York ranger,
00:26:21I'm serving my community
00:26:22by working in soup kitchens.
00:26:23As an L.A. king,
00:26:25I volunteer with the elderly.
00:26:26And as a Nashville predator,
00:26:28I work in hospitals
00:26:29to make sick kids feel touched.
00:26:31Hey, hey, come on, guys.
00:26:33Come on.
00:26:33What is the meaning
00:26:35of all of this unprofessionalism?
00:26:38I make sick kids feel touched?
00:26:40I don't want to say that.
00:26:42Are you kidding me, pal?
00:26:43Do you know who you're talking to?
00:26:45I'm the guy who pitched
00:26:46Asian Man Plays Cello
00:26:47in the Kendall Jenner
00:26:49Black Lives Matter Pepsi commercial.
00:26:52We're moving on.
00:26:53Action.
00:26:55The NHL is proud of the humanitarian work
00:26:58we do around the world.
00:26:59New York Rangers are sponsoring
00:27:01literacy work in India.
00:27:02The L.A. Kings are helping
00:27:04to dig freshwater wells
00:27:05in sub-Saharan Africa.
00:27:06And as a predator from Nashville,
00:27:08I'm visiting Thailand.
00:27:10No, stop.
00:27:11No.
00:27:12Are you serious?
00:27:14I mean, visiting Thailand,
00:27:16it doesn't even mention charity work.
00:27:18You didn't do the whole thing.
00:27:19Here, read this.
00:27:20Okay, fine.
00:27:22I'm visiting Thailand
00:27:24to hopefully rub off on some kids
00:27:25so maybe one day
00:27:27they become predators just like me.
00:27:31I'm not...
00:27:32I can't say these lines.
00:27:33You know what?
00:27:34You know what?
00:27:34That's okay.
00:27:35Let's get the writers in here.
00:27:37Oh, okay.
00:27:37See if they have any other ideas.
00:27:38Good.
00:27:40Hey, writers here.
00:27:41We don't have any other ideas.
00:27:42Do the lines.
00:27:43For this next one,
00:27:44you don't have to say anything.
00:27:45You can keep that pretty little mouth shut.
00:27:47And that's on Midge.
00:27:49Okay, fine.
00:27:50That's more like it.
00:27:52All right.
00:27:52Let's get lights up,
00:27:53start rolling,
00:27:54and action.
00:27:56When my classroom needed supplies,
00:27:59the king stepped up.
00:28:00When my father got sick,
00:28:02the rangers helped cover his medical bills.
00:28:04This is the predator
00:28:05that forever altered
00:28:06the course of my life.
00:28:08No!
00:28:09No!
00:28:09All right, you know what?
00:28:11This isn't going to work,
00:28:12so why don't y'all just say your name,
00:28:14your position,
00:28:15and your team.
00:28:16Let's go.
00:28:16Can you handle that,
00:28:18little hockey player?
00:28:22Let's roll it.
00:28:24I'm Ronnie Adrian,
00:28:26defenseman,
00:28:26king.
00:28:27I'm Christian Flashman,
00:28:29goalie,
00:28:30ranger.
00:28:31I don't want to do this one.
00:28:33Oh, come on.
00:28:34It's just your name.
00:28:35Fine.
00:28:36I'm Chase Kidd,
00:28:38right-wing predator.
00:28:39Oh!
00:28:42Oh!
00:28:43Okay, no,
00:28:44I did hear it that time.
00:28:46And that's on Midge.
00:28:57Officer,
00:28:58she's gone.
00:28:58Okay,
00:28:59I've looked everywhere she's gone.
00:29:00Sir,
00:29:00just calm down.
00:29:01What happened?
00:29:02My wife is missing, man.
00:29:03Somebody must have taken her.
00:29:05Coming soon to Netflix,
00:29:07the true story
00:29:08of three men
00:29:09whose wives mysteriously vanished.
00:29:11She was there,
00:29:13and then,
00:29:14poof,
00:29:15she had disappeared.
00:29:16We've received a call
00:29:17about a missing woman
00:29:18on Jordan Road
00:29:19dispatching all units.
00:29:21It didn't make any sense.
00:29:23I'm sorry,
00:29:23I can't do this.
00:29:24Megan!
00:29:26Megan!
00:29:27Megan!
00:29:27With never-before-seen interviews
00:29:29with the women themselves.
00:29:31So tell us what happened.
00:29:34I was on a business trip.
00:29:36I had told Doug about it
00:29:37maybe 45 times.
00:29:39I was at my sister's
00:29:40for the weekend,
00:29:40as we had discussed for months.
00:29:42I was literally
00:29:43in the bathroom,
00:29:46dumping.
00:29:46You must know.
00:29:49Gone without a trace.
00:29:51Whoever took her
00:29:52left her
00:29:52a bunch of cryptic notes.
00:29:54Heated 450 for 20 minutes.
00:29:57Seems to leave laundry to dry her.
00:29:59Is this a game to you?
00:30:02The whole world
00:30:03turned on a tape.
00:30:04What do you eat?
00:30:05What the hell
00:30:06do you eat, man?
00:30:08She was gone
00:30:09for what felt like
00:30:10a lifetime.
00:30:11I did take a shower
00:30:12after.
00:30:13Had to.
00:30:15No sighs,
00:30:16no clues,
00:30:18nothing.
00:30:20I'm sure it was fun
00:30:21at first.
00:30:24Then I got hungry
00:30:25and that's when
00:30:26things got really bad.
00:30:31Men's Health Magazine
00:30:32raves.
00:30:33Been there, brother.
00:30:34The police asked me
00:30:35for a photo of her,
00:30:36but my phone was dead,
00:30:37so I had to draw her.
00:30:40It's just as beautiful
00:30:41in real life.
00:30:42I feel like I have
00:30:43a little more
00:30:44of a chin.
00:30:45Okay, what is your
00:30:45wife's full name?
00:30:46Megan.
00:30:47When's her birthday?
00:30:49Summer.
00:30:50Did you contact
00:30:51her house?
00:30:52Yes.
00:30:52I called them
00:30:53and said your daughter
00:30:53is dead.
00:30:54Oh, even though
00:30:55I was on the highway,
00:30:56I didn't know
00:30:57what I was doing.
00:30:58No, you took my wife.
00:31:00I have a gun
00:31:01and I'm not a friend.
00:31:02Woo!
00:31:04And not long
00:31:05after she left,
00:31:06these two small men
00:31:08came out the basement.
00:31:09What do you want?
00:31:10What do you want
00:31:11from me?
00:31:12Our sons.
00:31:13I think you forgot
00:31:14we have kids.
00:31:15No, no.
00:31:17Now, this is hard
00:31:18to admit,
00:31:18but after about
00:31:1924 hours,
00:31:20I did decide
00:31:21it was time
00:31:21to move on romantically.
00:31:23So I downloaded
00:31:23Tinder and it was
00:31:24off to the list.
00:31:25I just wish
00:31:25I could have prepared
00:31:26myself,
00:31:27but there was
00:31:27no way
00:31:28I could have known.
00:31:29I'm telling you now,
00:31:30I'm going to see
00:31:31my sister this weekend
00:31:32in Poughkeepsie.
00:31:33Okay, baby,
00:31:33have fun.
00:31:34I'll be back Sunday,
00:31:35Sunday night.
00:31:37Okay, ma'am.
00:31:38Where am I going?
00:31:40Poughkeepsie.
00:31:41Sir, is there any place
00:31:42you think she could be?
00:31:43I know this is
00:31:44probably wrong,
00:31:45but maybe
00:31:46the boob store?
00:31:48Gone with several traces.
00:31:51Sometimes the scariest thing
00:31:53is when you're wet.
00:31:54That's the small man,
00:31:55that's the back.
00:31:56No!
00:31:58No!
00:32:06Good evening
00:32:07and welcome to News Point.
00:32:09I'm Daphne Dodd.
00:32:10My guest tonight
00:32:11is economist P.L. Henry.
00:32:13Evening.
00:32:14If it looks a little
00:32:15different in here,
00:32:16that's because it's
00:32:17our first show
00:32:18in our brand new set
00:32:19that gives you a peek
00:32:20inside our newsroom
00:32:21and the hardworking folks
00:32:22who put all this together.
00:32:24Well, lots to discuss tonight.
00:32:26We start with the economy,
00:32:27which we're putting
00:32:28in focus.
00:32:31This week,
00:32:32Amazon announced
00:32:33thousands of layoffs,
00:32:34with Target
00:32:35also joining the list
00:32:36of major companies
00:32:37slashing its workforce.
00:32:39And while companies
00:32:40look to protect
00:32:41their bottom lines,
00:32:42American households
00:32:43are doing the same.
00:32:49Are you okay?
00:32:52Yeah, I'm fine.
00:32:53I'm sorry.
00:32:55Okay.
00:32:57Rising prices
00:32:58for groceries
00:32:59and utilities.
00:33:00Oh, I'm sorry.
00:33:03I'm fine.
00:33:04I apologize.
00:33:06Apologies for that.
00:33:08The big question here,
00:33:10is this the start
00:33:11of a longer,
00:33:12steeper decline?
00:33:13Well, Daphne,
00:33:14that's up to how much
00:33:15of this overheated
00:33:16AI sector is even real.
00:33:18If it's a bubble,
00:33:18it's going to burst
00:33:19sooner or later.
00:33:20Well, let's hope
00:33:21it doesn't burst.
00:33:21We just spent a lot of money
00:33:23in this new studio.
00:33:24Hey, whoever reported me
00:33:25to HR,
00:33:26say it to my face
00:33:27next time.
00:33:32Sorry.
00:33:33Still adjusting
00:33:34to the new layout.
00:33:36Well, actually,
00:33:37I think it's quite an upgrade.
00:33:38It's such a fun little treat
00:33:39for the viewers
00:33:40to get a little peek
00:33:41behind the curtain.
00:33:44Professor,
00:33:45now,
00:33:46what do you make of this?
00:33:47Because on paper,
00:33:48inflation rates
00:33:49are pretty low.
00:33:51Well,
00:33:53on that dude's screen,
00:33:55inflation rates
00:33:55seem pretty huge.
00:34:04All right,
00:34:04someone packed my computer
00:34:06and put Manga Erotica
00:34:07on it again.
00:34:08Yeah, sure, buddy.
00:34:10But, uh,
00:34:11look,
00:34:11prices are rising,
00:34:13but so is the market.
00:34:14We're still solid.
00:34:15Well,
00:34:15everyday Americans
00:34:16are certainly struggling.
00:34:17I mean,
00:34:17results from a new survey
00:34:19showed 52% of Americans
00:34:20are living paycheck
00:34:21to paycheck.
00:34:23Oh,
00:34:24if I'm not on the fence,
00:34:25for Paul Marcus,
00:34:26I do it all,
00:34:27baby,
00:34:27packages everything.
00:34:30Sorry,
00:34:31hectic news day.
00:34:32And this is concerning.
00:34:34One in three Americans
00:34:35described their financial
00:34:37situation
00:34:37as in crisis.
00:34:39Is this just
00:34:40the beginning,
00:34:40Professor?
00:34:41Well,
00:34:41I think we'll see...
00:34:44I think we'll see
00:34:46more layoffs
00:34:46and price hikes,
00:34:48but the ceiling
00:34:49is raising the price...
00:34:50Hey,
00:34:52excuse me,
00:34:52Daphne,
00:34:53just take the paper
00:34:54out the train.
00:34:56Professor,
00:34:57you were saying?
00:34:58Sorry.
00:34:59Um,
00:35:00now,
00:35:00the tariffs
00:35:01haven't helped things.
00:35:02Well,
00:35:02especially with a supply chain
00:35:04that's still recovering
00:35:04from the COVID era.
00:35:05Oh!
00:35:10Oh!
00:35:11Oh!
00:35:11Oh!
00:35:11Yikes!
00:35:12Little printer issue,
00:35:13is everyone okay?
00:35:14No,
00:35:14I just got electrocuted,
00:35:16bitch!
00:35:17Look out!
00:35:21Okay,
00:35:22we're good.
00:35:26All righty,
00:35:27please continue,
00:35:28Professor.
00:35:28I'll go get help, Ian.
00:35:30Well,
00:35:30actually,
00:35:30one second,
00:35:30I think this dude
00:35:31is gonna fall again.
00:35:32Yep,
00:35:33there it is.
00:35:35Well,
00:35:35looks like we're
00:35:36at the break.
00:35:36More with Professor Henry
00:35:38after this.
00:35:39Yeah,
00:35:39I think y'all need
00:35:39to put up a wall of stats.
00:35:41Yeah.
00:36:08Ladies and gentlemen,
00:36:09Brandi Carlisle.
00:36:40While the empire was failing
00:36:44I was so far from home
00:36:47I heard a thousand sirens wailing
00:36:51But I was never on my own
00:36:54When the blackness slowly parted
00:36:58I saw the avarite towers
00:37:00Before the revolution started
00:37:04Between the mountains of the hours
00:37:07And they don't see
00:37:10What we see
00:37:14We believe
00:37:17We believe
00:37:20That they're not gonna live forever
00:37:24But tomorrow
00:37:26Let's see
00:37:27That even if they never come for it
00:37:31Never say, never say, never say
00:37:34We'll find a way
00:37:38We'll find a way
00:37:41We'll find a way
00:37:44We'll find a way
00:37:47We'll find a way
00:37:48We'll find a way
00:38:01And the days that quickly followed
00:38:04They began to turn to stone
00:38:08They couldn't stand or speak or swallow
00:38:11They couldn't get out of bed alone
00:38:14When the cruelty overcomes them
00:38:18And they began to crawl
00:38:21Reaching out their bloody ears
00:38:24Guess who gets to make the goal
00:38:29Let's see
00:38:30Let them see
00:38:32We'll find a way
00:38:35We believe
00:38:38We believe
00:38:40We believe
00:38:41That they're not gonna live forever
00:38:44But tomorrow
00:38:46We'll find a way
00:38:48And here to make it
00:38:50And here and here for forever
00:38:51Never say, never say, never say
00:38:54Never say
00:38:54I'll find a way
00:38:57I'll find a way
00:39:01I'll find a way
00:39:05Imagine if we can go
00:39:20I contemplate with sovereign reverence
00:39:24That act of the whole American people
00:39:26Which declare that their legislature
00:39:29Should make no law
00:39:30Respecting an establishment of religion
00:39:32Or prohibiting free exercise their health
00:39:35Thus building a wall
00:39:37Of separation
00:39:38Between church and state
00:39:42No, they're not gonna live forever
00:39:45Burn tomorrow
00:39:47Never say
00:39:48That even if they haven't gone forever
00:39:51Never say, never say, never say
00:39:55We'll find a way
00:39:59We'll find a way
00:40:02We'll find a way
00:40:06Imagine if we can go
00:40:10helping us
00:40:11consumo
00:40:12I'll have to
00:40:12And if we can come
00:40:17We'll find a way
00:40:17To the point
00:40:18When the government
00:40:18We'll find a way
00:40:27We'll find a way
00:40:27A way
00:40:38responsibly
00:41:13It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Chang.
00:41:25Thank you. Thank you. Good evening, everyone.
00:41:27Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Chang.
00:41:29I'm Colin Jost.
00:41:34President Trump and the First Lady hosted a trick-or-treat event at what's left of the White House.
00:41:39And this is one of my favorite things that the president does, because it's so clear he never trick-or
00:41:44-treated once in his life.
00:41:45Like, in his first term, here's how he gave candy to a kid dressed as a minion.
00:41:58Melania is just like, I guess that is how it's done.
00:42:01And then again, this year, he did it to a kid dressed as DJ Marshmello.
00:42:13Just put it in the bag.
00:42:15Why is he so weird? Even the kid is like, this is not right.
00:42:19It's kind of an embodiment of his entire presidency, because it's just a violation of norms that no other president
00:42:26or person has ever conceived of.
00:42:28Like, who's ever thought, I should put the candy on the kid's head?
00:42:33My favorite part, though, was when Trump and Melania made a grand entrance to this song.
00:42:48Michael Jackson's Thriller.
00:42:50Just the perfect soundtrack to lure kids to a famous mansion.
00:42:58Due to the government shutdown, SNAP food benefits ran out of funds today, but the government still provides needy families
00:43:05with free food through the Second Amendment.
00:43:12Japan's new prime minister, Sinai Takachi, said during a press conference that she is nominating President Trump for the Nobel
00:43:20Peace Prize.
00:43:21And I can't believe I get to say this, but thank God nobody listens to women.
00:43:32President Trump met with Chinese President Xi Jinping when asked how the meeting went.
00:43:37Trump said this.
00:43:38But overall, I guess on the scale of from zero to ten, with ten being the best, I would say
00:43:44the meeting was at twelve.
00:43:47I guess Trump just wanted to show China we're still way worse at math.
00:43:54Trump also visited South Korea and was given a gold crown and served beef patties with ketchup for dinner.
00:44:01So they basically got the President of the United States a Happy Meal with a toy.
00:44:08Critics of President Trump are calling him tone deaf for posting pictures of his newly renovated White House bathroom during
00:44:15the government shutdown.
00:44:16But I'm happy that the floor looks slippery.
00:44:25The state of Texas is suing Tylenol, claiming that it is linked to autism, or as it's called in Texas,
00:44:33bully ain't right.
00:44:37Curtis Sliwa, the Republican candidate for mayor of New York and the world's only White Panther, has been endorsed by
00:44:47Rudy Giuliani.
00:44:49But Giuliani only likes him because his poll numbers are between 9 and 11.
00:44:559-11.
00:44:59Did I do it right? Did I do it right?
00:45:03This weekend is the New York City Marathon, which will bring to the city more than 50,000 runners from
00:45:08over 100 countries.
00:45:09Here to comment is the world's number one marathoner, oh, George Santos.
00:45:16Oh, oh, yes.
00:45:19Yes, Colin.
00:45:21Can you believe I just finished the marathon?
00:45:24The marathon is tomorrow.
00:45:26Yeah, well, it's a record.
00:45:27I already won!
00:45:31You know, you didn't win the marathon.
00:45:34I know you've been doing a media comeback tour since Trump commuted your prison sentence.
00:45:38Oh, well, yeah.
00:45:39Prison was crazy.
00:45:40I was in a room by myself, talking to people through a wall, going on eight dates a day, trying
00:45:46to find the love of my life.
00:45:48You were not on Love is Blind, George.
00:45:51You were in jail.
00:45:53Oh, fine.
00:45:53But you know what?
00:45:54Prison changed me, Colin.
00:45:56I lost a ton of weight.
00:45:58Oh, really?
00:45:58How much did you lose?
00:45:59I gained 50 pounds.
00:46:01Gary Summer, I turned pretty.
00:46:03And now I only tell the truth.
00:46:05Well, I don't know.
00:46:06It sounds like you're still a liar, George.
00:46:07You are.
00:46:09I am not.
00:46:10Well, then how come your pants are on fire?
00:46:12Okay, just stop touching me underneath the desk, George.
00:46:16You wish, Colin.
00:46:17I was just robbing you.
00:46:20Whoa.
00:46:21Photos of every female cast member.
00:46:24Hey, that's not...
00:46:25Give me back my angels.
00:46:27Oh.
00:46:28Oh.
00:46:31Well, anyway, Colin, I'm going on all these shows to tell the truth about what it's like in prison.
00:46:37Well, wasn't your prison only, like, minimum security?
00:46:40That's right.
00:46:40I was in jail with other white-collar criminals, even though I'm black.
00:46:46You are not black?
00:46:48No.
00:46:48Wow.
00:46:48Are you accusing me of lying about my race, like Rachel Dolezal?
00:46:52That horrible woman who lied about being black?
00:46:55Remember her?
00:46:56Because that was me.
00:46:57No.
00:46:58George.
00:46:59George, come on.
00:47:00Hold on.
00:47:00I have to take this.
00:47:01It's one of my friends from prison.
00:47:02Okay.
00:47:03All right.
00:47:04Hello?
00:47:04Hi, Ghislaine.
00:47:06I'm missing you, too, girl.
00:47:08I got to go.
00:47:08I'm hosting Saturday Night Live.
00:47:10No, you're not a hoax.
00:47:11You're not a hoax.
00:47:12Put your weird frizzing glass away, okay?
00:47:15Sorry.
00:47:15It's just what I'm used to, okay?
00:47:17I was in there for so long.
00:47:19You were in there for, like, 80 days.
00:47:20Yeah, I know.
00:47:21A whole year.
00:47:23But it wasn't all bad.
00:47:24I got to work in the kitchen.
00:47:25People loved my rice pudding recipe.
00:47:28It's really easy.
00:47:29Just preheat the toilet to 350.
00:47:34How do you preheat a toilet?
00:47:36You just sit on it for a while.
00:47:37Hold on.
00:47:38I have to take this.
00:47:40Hello?
00:47:41Luigi?
00:47:43How's my favorite twonk murderer?
00:47:47You tried my rice pudding recipe.
00:47:49You burned it.
00:47:51What's because your toilet was too hot?
00:47:53George, that's not Luigi on the phone.
00:47:56It's not your phone.
00:47:57You're such a liar.
00:47:58Oh, please, Colin.
00:47:59You're a liar, too, wearing that expensive watch, pretending you're rich.
00:48:03But, George, I was actually born very rich.
00:48:10Well, you know what?
00:48:12I'm rich now, too, because I just took a trip to the Louvre.
00:48:19Oh, my God.
00:48:20George, did you steal that?
00:48:22Stole it back, you mean?
00:48:24Because it belonged to my ancestors, the Zales.
00:48:29You bought it at Zales?
00:48:30Hold on.
00:48:31I have to take this.
00:48:32You don't have to take it.
00:48:33Hello?
00:48:34Diddy?
00:48:35Miss you, too, roomie.
00:48:36George Santos, everyone.
00:48:38I won the World Series.
00:48:40Oh, he won the World Series.
00:48:42I won the World Series.
00:48:42Wow.
00:48:43Congratulations, George.
00:48:44He did not win the World Series.
00:48:47Paul Bia, a 92-year-old leader of Cameroon and the world's oldest president, has won re-election
00:48:54by soundly defeating, oh, no, Kamala Harris.
00:48:59The hits keep coming for Kamala.
00:49:02NBC News unveiled their new slogan,
00:49:04facts, clarity, calm.
00:49:06And they're already being sued for copyright infringement by a pillow from HomeGoods.
00:49:15New research shows that childhood peanut allergies have declined over 40% in recent years due to
00:49:20earlier exposure to peanuts, which was exactly the goal of my health campaign, Nut Up, Kids.
00:49:30Officials with the Special Olympics have called on Kid Rock to stop using the R word, even though
00:49:36he can, because, you know.
00:49:44Come on.
00:49:46An 80-year-old woman set a record for oldest female to hike the Appalachian Trail, and
00:49:52also the record for most circling vultures.
00:49:58Prince Andrew has been stripped of his royal title of prince due to his involvement with
00:50:03Jeffrey Epstein.
00:50:05And Andrew says he can only become prince again if he gets a kiss from a young princess.
00:50:15Well, the government shutdown has entered day 32, with both sides showing no sign of giving
00:50:21in any time soon.
00:50:22Here to talk about it are two people who just hooked up.
00:50:29Okay.
00:50:31Does my hair look okay?
00:50:33You're perfect.
00:50:39Okay, so, you're here to talk about the government shutdown.
00:50:43Yes, yes, we are here to discuss the shutdown.
00:50:45I mean, how long can this go on without anything happening?
00:50:49Yeah, exactly.
00:50:50But, you know, sometimes nothing happens for a very long time, and then, suddenly, everything
00:50:57happens.
00:51:03Uh-huh, so, so, what do you think the parties need to do to, like, open the government back
00:51:08up?
00:51:09Look, Colin, it's all about communication.
00:51:11They just need to get in a room together and say hi.
00:51:18Hi.
00:51:21Hi.
00:51:25Okay.
00:51:27And then what?
00:51:29And then maybe Republicans are like, are we doing this?
00:51:37Yeah, and then Democrats are like, I've wanted to for so long.
00:51:43Yeah, but maybe the Republicans are scared because their government hasn't been opened in...
00:51:52A long time.
00:51:56God, not since Jason, actually.
00:52:01Who is Jason?
00:52:03Is he, like, a congressman?
00:52:06He's not a man.
00:52:10Okay.
00:52:11I just, I think Democrats are pretty upset that Trump has decided to build his whole ballroom
00:52:16during the shutdown.
00:52:17What do you make of that?
00:52:18Yes.
00:52:19Well, typically, during a shutdown, you wouldn't see a president continuing with a project this
00:52:23size.
00:52:24Yeah, Democrats just need to say, you know, look, it's too big.
00:52:26Would you be willing to try something smaller?
00:52:38Yeah, and who knows?
00:52:40Republicans might even say, smaller sounds great.
00:52:46I prefer it.
00:52:48You prefer it?
00:52:51And Democrats are like, I want to do this right now.
00:52:55And Republicans are like, here?
00:52:59In Colin's dressing room?
00:53:01Oh, my God.
00:53:03My dressing room?
00:53:04How long were you in there for?
00:53:05Oh, God, let me think.
00:53:07Because it was couch, and then was it desk?
00:53:10No, we wanted to, but there was stuff on the desk.
00:53:12Oh, that's right.
00:53:12So then we had a door.
00:53:13Oh, yeah.
00:53:13Door.
00:53:14Oh, yeah, we were at door for a while.
00:53:15Yeah.
00:53:16Yeah, so it was couch, then door, and then we just, we talked about my brother.
00:53:20I loved that.
00:53:23It's just kind of a lost guy.
00:53:24I really worry about it.
00:53:25You give him too much.
00:53:27You give him too much.
00:53:27You said that, and I really appreciate it.
00:53:30You're so strong.
00:53:34And then it was more door.
00:53:35It was a lot of door.
00:53:36A lot more door.
00:53:38And then we came out here.
00:53:39Oh, my God, what is door?
00:53:41Door.
00:53:41Look, we're not here to talk about door.
00:53:43We're here because Republicans and Democrats, they need to get together.
00:53:48Oh.
00:53:50You think they should get together?
00:53:53Oh.
00:53:53Uh, no, no, like, I'm not saying they need to get married.
00:54:01I didn't say they should get married.
00:54:05Okay, I think Democrats just thought this was like, chill.
00:54:07Oh, chill?
00:54:08Oh, chill?
00:54:09Okay, Democrats thought this was chill.
00:54:11Oh, well, then why did Democrats say, I love you during door?
00:54:15Okay, okay, well, I don't think you can hold them to what they said during door.
00:54:20I think Democrats would have said anything for more door.
00:54:23Oh, okay.
00:54:23What is door?
00:54:25We had sex with your door.
00:54:27Two people who just touched up, everyone.
00:54:33Uh-uh.
00:54:36A golden retriever in Virginia became an Internet celebrity after his owners posted videos of
00:54:42the dog stealing items from around the house.
00:54:44Meanwhile, a black lab who did the same thing got the death penalty.
00:54:52Ain't no justice for the black lab.
00:54:53Oh, no.
00:54:55Officials in New York say that a Manhattan parking lot along the East River will be turned into
00:54:59an outdoor gym.
00:55:00Oh, that's awesome.
00:55:01That way, all the psychotic vagrants on the street can get super strong.
00:55:07A 101-year-old woman from New Jersey says she still goes to work six days a week, sadly,
00:55:14on the same corner.
00:55:22Broadway star Jordan Litz announced that he will be running in tomorrow's New York City
00:55:27Marathon, then later star in two performances of Wicked, and then, after that, die.
00:55:37Weekend update, I'm calling you.
00:55:39All right, what's going on tonight?
00:55:40Good night!
00:55:42Good night!
00:56:05Quiet down, please.
00:56:06Now, I know the city's on edge due to rumors that last week's killing was the work of the
00:56:11infamous steak knife slasher.
00:56:13We deserve answers!
00:56:15We deserve answers!
00:56:16We don't want to speculate at this time, okay?
00:56:18But here to answer any other questions is lead homicide detective Ray Dunham, right?
00:56:23Thank you, chief.
00:56:24Now, folks, like the chief said, we can't verify anything about the perp at this time.
00:56:29But whoever this bastard is, we're going to catch him.
00:56:31Now, if you have any questions about anything else, I'll take those now.
00:56:34Yeah, you in the front.
00:56:36Marcus Spitz, Daily Tribune, I've got an inside source who says, quote, wounds are consistent
00:56:40with victims of the slasher.
00:56:42Can I comment?
00:56:43Folks, again, I cannot comment at this time.
00:56:46Next.
00:56:46Yeah, you right here.
00:56:47Hi, Tina Dobbs, Times Daily.
00:56:49We've just received eyewitness testimony that, quote, a figure matching the slasher's description
00:56:54was spotted fleeing the scene.
00:56:55Any comments at all?
00:56:57All right, guys, I'm not going to say it again.
00:56:59No comment.
00:57:00All right, next.
00:57:00You right here.
00:57:02Hi, Dave Allen, Daily Gazette.
00:57:04I've just received an email from DC Comics that says, quote, dear Mr. Allen, we've received
00:57:09your unsolicited submission and regret to inform you we will not be publishing your graphic
00:57:13novel Gargoyle.
00:57:14Half Gargoyle, half girl, all justice at this time, nor any time in the future.
00:57:18Thoughts?
00:57:21Uh, yeah, what do you mean by that?
00:57:23Just what do you make of it?
00:57:25Sound like it's a hard pass?
00:57:27Hey, yeah, sounds like a hard pass to me.
00:57:29Next.
00:57:29You right here.
00:57:30Hey, Steven Crisp, Daily Today, got a quote from the victim's family saying, we know it
00:57:35was the slasher.
00:57:36The cops are covering up.
00:57:37Pretty damning, is it not?
00:57:40Guys, if you're just going to ask stuff I've said I cannot answer, then I'm going to have
00:57:43to end this right now.
00:57:44I'm sorry.
00:57:45Dave Allen, local author.
00:57:46Do you think they want a rewrite?
00:57:49What are you talking about?
00:57:52A rewrite of Gar, Gargoyle.
00:57:54Do you think they want to see a rewrite of Gargoyle?
00:57:56Buddy, I don't even know what Gargoyle is.
00:57:59She's a half Gargoyle, half girl, all justice.
00:58:03A crime fighter with the powers of a gargoyle and the problems of a teenage girl.
00:58:07Crushes villains by night, crushes on the quarterback by day.
00:58:09Thoughts?
00:58:11What do you mean thoughts?
00:58:12Like, what are you looking for here?
00:58:14Do you like it?
00:58:16Do you like Gargoyle?
00:58:16Do you think it's a good idea?
00:58:19Yes, okay.
00:58:20Yeah, I do.
00:58:21It sounds action-packed, and I think it's cool that it deals with real problems facing kids
00:58:25today.
00:58:26Is that what you wanted to hear?
00:58:28No further questions.
00:58:30Okay, all right.
00:58:32Now, who's next?
00:58:32You.
00:58:33Yeah.
00:58:34Hi, Dick Musk, tomorrow to daily.
00:58:36What exactly does powers of a gargoyle mean?
00:58:40I'll take this one.
00:58:42Dave Allen, creator of Gargoyle.
00:58:43Uh, she transforms at night.
00:58:45Claws, fangs, wings, the ultimate crime-fighting creature.
00:58:47Who's next?
00:58:48Uh, yes, right here.
00:58:50Uh, Anna Smith Sanchez, Daily News Today.
00:58:52Sounds like a metaphor for puberty.
00:58:54Any comment?
00:58:55Uh, Dave Allen, visionary auteur.
00:58:57Spot on.
00:58:58Excellent read of the subtext.
00:58:59Any other questions?
00:59:00Yes, how are her brains?
00:59:02Is she in a band?
00:59:02How popular is Gargoyle at school?
00:59:04All right, enough.
00:59:05Enough.
00:59:05We aren't here to talk about Gargoyle.
00:59:07I mean, there's been a murder, you guys.
00:59:10Hey!
00:59:10You shut up, you!
00:59:12You want to say nothing about who wants to know we talk about what we all talk about?
00:59:15You get this and how you shut up now, you!
00:59:21Jesus, okay, fine.
00:59:23All right, all right.
00:59:24All right, what else do we want to know about Gargoyle?
00:59:26All right, yes, you, sir.
00:59:28Alfonso Julian, murderer.
00:59:31How did Gargoyle become Gargoyle?
00:59:34Dave Allen, voice of a generation.
00:59:37A guy who works at a nuclear power plant falls into a vat of nuclear waste.
00:59:40He then goes home and yanks one out into the toilet.
00:59:43He flushes it, contaminating the water supply with his radioactive load.
00:59:46A load which has then evaporated into the clouds, which later rained down the load onto
00:59:50a gargoyle.
00:59:51Wait, are you saying that Gargoyle is a gargoyle that turns into a girl, not a girl that turns
00:59:56into a gargoyle?
00:59:58Yes.
01:00:00Yes, I am.
01:00:01Okay, whoa, well, that changes everything I thought I knew about Gargoyle.
01:00:04What?
01:00:05This story is ridiculous.
01:00:06Why would a guy who just fell into nuclear waste immediately go home and crank one out
01:00:10in the toilet?
01:00:11He was excited to be alive.
01:00:15Jesus Christ.
01:00:16And you, sir, the murderer, you're going to jail for a long time, pal.
01:00:20Okay, well, at least I'll get some reading done.
01:00:49Once again, Brandi Carlile.
01:00:58Baby, you're only gonna hurt your back.
01:01:04Looking down like that
01:01:08Caught yourself a little more slack
01:01:14Baby, you're gonna have a heart attack
01:01:21And they won't thank you
01:01:24They don't make awards for that
01:01:30We know by now that time does not take sides
01:01:37We're only human
01:01:40I don't need to see how it ends
01:01:45To tell you that we'll never be here again
01:01:48We're only human
01:01:52I just wanna feel my face in the sun
01:01:56I never really wanted to hurt anyone
01:02:00Forever only means we had a good run
01:02:04We don't need to know right now
01:02:07It's hard enough being human
01:02:16It's not like we're ever really gonna learn
01:02:23And I'm no angel
01:02:26I know I'm gonna watch it burn
01:02:32Baby, there isn't anywhere to run
01:02:39And I won't blame you
01:02:42For seeing all the beauty in a wildfire sun
01:02:48Tomorrow isn't nothing but a game that we used to play
01:02:54And we're only human
01:02:57And we're only human
01:02:58I don't need to see how it ends
01:03:02To tell you that we'll never be here again
01:03:06Babe, we're only human
01:03:09I just wanna feel my face in the sun
01:03:13I never really wanted to hurt anyone
01:03:17Forever only means we had a good run
01:03:21We don't need to know right now
01:03:25It's hard enough being human
01:03:28We don't need to know right now
01:03:32Is it hard enough being human?
01:03:47Baby, when you wake up and it wasn't a dream
01:03:50And you're tired of crying
01:03:52You're too broken to scream
01:03:54Shake your fist at the city
01:03:56Let it rip out the seams
01:03:58For you
01:04:01You're gonna have a dream
01:04:04With your hands and your feet
01:04:06Let the bitterness die
01:04:08Fall in time for the beat
01:04:10When you look in the eyes
01:04:12Of the strangers you meet
01:04:14For you
01:04:15Yet
01:04:18If you're alone
01:04:20Nine
01:04:22Three
01:04:22Six
01:04:35Oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:05:22Oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:05:25Oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:05:25Oh, oh, oh.
01:05:27Okay, thank you.
01:05:28Now, tell me, do you like to eat pasta, yes, or gnocchi?
01:05:34Yes, tell me, are you a pro pasta or an anti-pasti?
01:05:39We are funny.
01:05:40Yes, we are guys at the fun.
01:05:42Oh, you are.
01:05:43Oh, we love this.
01:05:44And now, will we tell you about the menu?
01:05:46Yes, before you start, I should tell you I'm allergic to a lot of stuff.
01:05:51Shrimp for sure.
01:05:53Oh, hon, just have fun tonight.
01:05:56Okay.
01:05:57That's not how it works.
01:05:58Okay, now, our special tonight is to catch your peppy, and maybe later your wife will catch
01:06:04my peppy.
01:06:05Oh.
01:06:07Okay.
01:06:08Okay?
01:06:12We joke, we joke.
01:06:14Now, can we offer you some wine?
01:06:16Great, we'll be right back.
01:06:17Yes, okay, be back.
01:06:18Can only be a minute.
01:06:19Oh, these guys are so great.
01:06:21They're acting like I'm not good enough for you.
01:06:24Honey, you're not bad.
01:06:26Not bad?
01:06:29Okay, for the woman, the most beautiful wine in the world.
01:06:33And for the man, some purple stuff that I found.
01:06:37All right.
01:06:38Yes, we also brought us some appetizers.
01:06:41Oh.
01:06:41Well, I don't have silverware.
01:06:43Ah, yes.
01:06:44Have you heard of a farm-to-table?
01:06:46Of course.
01:06:48Okay, well, we'd like to take it to the next level, a farm-to-mouth.
01:06:51Yes.
01:06:51Come on, signora.
01:06:52Yes.
01:06:53Oh, wow.
01:06:53You like it.
01:06:54Oh, wow.
01:06:54Yes, you like it.
01:06:56Yes, you like it.
01:06:57Yes, very good, very good.
01:06:58Oh, my gosh.
01:06:59Delicious.
01:07:00Yes, you like it.
01:07:01And, um, is there anything for me?
01:07:03Ah, yes, of course, for the man.
01:07:04Maybe chew on this.
01:07:05A little bit of salad.
01:07:05A little bit of salad for you.
01:07:07Yes.
01:07:07It's a toast salad.
01:07:08It's a toast salad.
01:07:10Okay.
01:07:10I've had enough salad.
01:07:12Oh, yes.
01:07:12Maybe just one more.
01:07:13No.
01:07:13Okay.
01:07:14I've had enough salad.
01:07:16Ah, the cavern went to talk to the chef.
01:07:18Ah, yes.
01:07:19You don't like the salad, no problem.
01:07:21Eh, Chef Mario.
01:07:30What's your problem?
01:07:33I don't know why.
01:07:34I thought you'd be Italian.
01:07:36Oh, well, if we're sharing thoughts, I think you look like an old boy.
01:07:40Excuse me?
01:07:42What the?
01:07:43You know what?
01:07:43I think I've had enough.
01:07:44Oh, if you've had enough, maybe you should get the fuck out, Chef.
01:07:48Yeah, get the fuck out, Chef.
01:07:49Get the fuck out, Chef.
01:07:50Get the fuck out, Chef.
01:07:50Get the fuck out, Chef.
01:07:51Oh, my God.
01:07:52All right, you know what?
01:07:53I can play your game.
01:07:55I'm not Alfredo you, and if you're thinking about a tip, bruschette about it.
01:08:00Oh, he's a funny guy.
01:08:01He's a funny guy.
01:08:03A funny guy.
01:08:04What are you doing?
01:08:05Well.
01:08:05Yes Oh, no.
01:08:05No.
01:08:07No.
01:08:18No.
01:08:20No.
01:08:33Thank you for being.
01:08:41Thanks to Brandi Carlyle
01:08:44Shane Gillis
01:08:47Born
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