- 4 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00:02you're watching c-span thank you we take you now to the white house daily briefing
00:00:08where press secretary caroline levitt is about to have a day
00:00:17i am just so excited to be here and answer your friendly questions as you all know there was no
00:00:24news this week nothing happening with the president no weird information was revealed no one had any
00:00:31accusations that rhyme with edophile so i'll open the floor to questions starting with caitlyn
00:00:38collins from cnn who i openly hate go ahead okay well i think we definitely need to start with the
00:00:4420 000 epstein emails why does president trump's name appear in so many of them you know you suck
00:00:51right trump has asked the doj to investigate democrats ties to epstein but is anyone
00:00:58investigating trump look the only thing these emails prove is that president trump did nothing wrong
00:01:05if anything his crime was loving too much and possibly too young now let's get a relevant question fox news
00:01:16unnamed black guy fox news is president trump too healthy thank you and yes he got his 30th physical
00:01:28last week and it went great he took a cognitive test and did so well they said we'd like to
00:01:34see you
00:01:34again as soon as possible yes msnbc go ahead yeah are you not worried about the objects of trump
00:01:40giving epstein's partner in crime galane maxwell a sweetheart deal hey galane maxwell said in the
00:01:47sworn deposition she gave to trump's friend that trump always acted like a gentleman and a little
00:01:54thing about me i believe women now seriously can we please move off the topic of epstein
00:02:03uh sure is it true the administration secretly sent 840 million dollars to argentina to pay off their
00:02:10debts we shall return to epstein i'm sorry but even trump's biggest supporters think that he should
00:02:20release the epstein files what does trump have to hide i could answer that i am hiding almost nothing
00:02:27just enough to make uh just enough to make it extremely suspicious but let me ask you a question
00:02:33if there was something incriminating about me in the files then why would i cover them up
00:02:42wait isn't that exactly why you would cover them up okay let me go again if i was innocent
00:02:48wouldn't i just release all the files yes again i think you're agreeing with what everyone is saying
00:02:57okay third time's the charm uh jeffrey epstein i barely knew the guy okay as evidenced by the
00:03:04thousands of pictures of us together dancing and grinding our teeth at various parties
00:03:09always leering and pointing at something just off camera probably a book we're excited to read
00:03:16okay what about the specific email where epstein said that trump was the dog that hasn't barked
00:03:24okay okay okay okay first of all all right i'm not a dog i'm not a dog i'm more of
00:03:29a cub or possibly
00:03:31an otter uh definitely not a twink i think that's clear not a twink right maybe twunk you know gays
00:03:39have
00:03:39words for everything right kiki we like to say kiki it means talking second i thought megan kelly made
00:03:47a terrific point this week she said epstein's not a pedophile terrific thing to just say out of
00:03:52nowhere great job we love megan they should put it back on tv legalize megan so you said you kicked
00:04:00epstein out of mar-a-lago but he said he was quote never a member yeah i said i kicked
00:04:05jeffrey out
00:04:06because he was a pedophile but then i also said i didn't know he did anything wrong so it's kind
00:04:11of
00:04:11hard to square that circle until you realize that trump exists across many timelines it's the trump
00:04:19multiverse theory we just happen to be living in the worst possible one now if you'll excuse me i'm
00:04:26going to release all of the epstein files this is great each file will be on sale for the low
00:04:33low price
00:04:33of eight hundred dollars oh she's pretty who's sad she's beautiful i like that she's nice you know
00:04:41this is a beautiful one-of-a-kind printed out screenshot in very low res of one of the many
00:04:47files mentioning president trump it makes some great stocking stuff i just ordered the one that says does
00:04:53putin have the photo of trump blowing bubba we love that whatever the hell that means but i did do
00:05:01one
00:05:01very generous thing today i pardoned a turkey okay who by complete coincidence is a convicted sex
00:05:10criminal so we're gonna be looking into that very shortly i can assure you that so merry thanksgiving
00:05:16we're gonna be saying we're gonna be saying merry thanksgiving again and live from new york it's saturday night
00:05:26it's saturday night live with michael chay
00:05:40mikey j
00:05:46andrew dismute
00:06:08andrew dismute
00:06:13James Austin Johnson
00:06:22Colin Jost
00:06:28Sarah Sherman
00:06:34Kenan Thompson
00:06:41Bowen Yang
00:06:46Featuring Tommy Brennan
00:06:52Jeremy Cohen
00:06:56Nan Marshall
00:07:04Ashley Padilla
00:07:08Pam Patterson
00:07:11Veronica Slowikoska
00:07:17Jane Wickline
00:07:25Musical guest Olivia Dean
00:07:29And your host Glenn Powell
00:07:37Ladies and gentlemen, Glenn Powell
00:08:05Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so happy to be here. It has been
00:08:10a great day.
00:08:11Wild year my TV show premiered
00:08:13I have a movie coming out
00:08:17And I know some of you are tired of seeing my face hell
00:08:20I'm tired of seeing my face too
00:08:23But you know who is not tired of seeing my face
00:08:27Your mom
00:08:30But it's true my face has been popping up all over the internet
00:08:34Specifically this photo
00:08:37Look like a golden retriever about to get a treat
00:08:42I've also seen a lot of people say Glenn Powell came out of nowhere
00:08:45And that's just not true
00:08:47I started acting when I was 10 in Austin, Texas
00:08:52I did student films, local commercials, internet safety videos
00:08:58Even when I was a teen I directed some of my own films
00:09:01They were a little experimental, emotionally nuanced
00:09:03I was watching a lot of French New Wave at the time
00:09:06I think you'll see the influence. Check it out
00:09:26That was actually my audition for Top Gun
00:09:30But my first big break came in Spy Kids 3D
00:09:34I played a character called the long fingered boy
00:09:42The long fingered boy
00:09:44A name that gets you all the wrong kind of friends in middle school
00:09:47Now being on that set was the peak of my life
00:09:51Until tonight
00:09:57Hosting SNL is a dream come true
00:10:00Not just for me but for my whole family
00:10:01And true story
00:10:03I was actually supposed to host
00:10:05Four years ago for Top Gun Maverick
00:10:07And when I got the call
00:10:09I was on a porch with my family
00:10:11And we just all lost our minds
00:10:13We were jumping up and down celebrating
00:10:14And a UPS driver
00:10:16Happened to be delivering a package
00:10:18At that exact same moment
00:10:19And he was like, what is going on?
00:10:21And I was like, I'm hosting SNL
00:10:23And he was like, are you serious?
00:10:25And I was like, yep
00:10:25Christmas episode, tune in
00:10:28And so we all took a selfie with him
00:10:29And this is the selfie to mark the occasion
00:10:35So that's me and my whole family
00:10:37And the UPS driver
00:10:40But then my dream got taken away
00:10:42Top Gun got delayed because of COVID
00:10:45So SNL had to take their offer back
00:10:47Lorne Michaels literally called me and said
00:10:49Without Top Gun
00:10:50And these are his words
00:10:51No one will know who the F you are
00:10:55So I didn't end up hosting
00:10:57Which means for four years
00:10:59This UPS driver was just going around
00:11:03Saying Glenn Powell is a liar
00:11:06So now I am here hosting
00:11:09It feels amazing
00:11:11But what feels even better
00:11:13Is proving to this UPS driver
00:11:16That I am not crazy
00:11:18So this is real
00:11:20My sisters tracked him down
00:11:24Cause the women in my family are terrifying
00:11:27And they found the cell number
00:11:28Of this UPS guy
00:11:30His name is Mitch
00:11:30So to prove to Mitch
00:11:33That I am not a liar
00:11:34I flew him all the way to New York
00:11:39Coach
00:11:40I don't know how Running Man is going to do yet
00:11:44But I flew him here
00:11:46And he thought it was a scam
00:11:47But he still came
00:11:49And he is sitting in the audience tonight
00:11:51So let's give it up for Mitch
00:11:52The UPS guy
00:11:59Alright, so Mitch
00:12:00Why don't you come up here
00:12:01We'll recreate the selfie
00:12:04Bring this thing full circle
00:12:13Look, I had to wait my entire life
00:12:15Plus four years to be here
00:12:17But if I have learned anything
00:12:18It is that the best things in life
00:12:21Don't happen overnight
00:12:22And no one knows that better
00:12:24Than UPS
00:12:27We've got a great show for you tonight
00:12:29Olivia Dean is here
00:12:30Stick around
00:12:31We'll be right back
00:12:32Thank you
00:12:34Thank you
00:12:34Thank you
00:12:44Thank you
00:12:59Thank you
00:13:02Bonneyside Senior Home isn't where you wanted to spend your Thanksgiving.
00:13:06Oh, stop that, Grandma. We wanted to be here.
00:13:09Yeah, plus, you probably don't have a lot of Thanksgivings left.
00:13:12Nathan!
00:13:14What?
00:13:15Well, Grandma, before we go, we have a special surprise for you.
00:13:19When we were cleaning out your house,
00:13:21we found a box of old photos from when you were a little girl.
00:13:24Yeah, and Nathan scanned them into this cool app
00:13:26called Old Time Photos Brought to Life.
00:13:28It's really cool.
00:13:30Okay, here's one of your pictures.
00:13:33Oh, that's my father.
00:13:36He's so young.
00:13:38Yeah, now watch what the app does.
00:13:43Oh, wow!
00:13:46Oh, my goodness!
00:13:49He was waving and smiling.
00:13:52How did it do that?
00:13:53Well, the AI analyzes the picture and projects how they'd move.
00:13:57Oh, here's another one with your mom in it.
00:14:01Oh, look at her!
00:14:03So beautiful!
00:14:06Is that a cigarette Great Grandma smoked?
00:14:09Oh, everybody did back then.
00:14:12Can you bring this one to life, too?
00:14:14Of course, Grandma.
00:14:29Why did my mother smoke her hot dog?
00:14:33Sometimes the AI is weird, but isn't it cool?
00:14:36Look!
00:14:37Even that dog's tail is wagging.
00:14:39Oh, that was Sadie, our family pup.
00:14:48Oh, God!
00:14:49Oh, no!
00:14:52Oh!
00:14:53Oh, God!
00:14:56Whoa, why did the computer do that to Sadie?
00:15:01Well, there's probably just too much going on in the picture, and the AI got confused.
00:15:05Here, look at this one.
00:15:06It's your dad and, oh, some guy in a bowling alley.
00:15:10Do you know him, Grandma?
00:15:11Oh, that was my father's best friend, Cal Ryland.
00:15:16Oh, he was a hoot.
00:15:18They would get together and laugh and laugh.
00:15:21Oh, can you bring this one to life, too?
00:15:24Oh, of course, Grandma, but just so you know, we only have a couple more free ones left before
00:15:30I have to buy more credits on the app.
00:15:32Nathan!
00:15:33What?
00:15:34Here, Grandma.
00:15:35I'll do it.
00:16:02What was that?
00:16:06Um, I think what happened, Grandma, was, uh, their bowling balls floated away, and then
00:16:13your dad paid Cal Ryland to show his Ken doll crotch.
00:16:18But why, Dad?
00:16:20Don't worry about it, Grandma.
00:16:22Let's just do one more.
00:16:23Here, we found a special one for you.
00:16:25Oh, yeah.
00:16:25As far as we could tell, it's the first picture you ever took.
00:16:29You're just a little, little baby.
00:16:31Oh, my heavens, look at that.
00:16:36You know, maybe we don't bring this one to life.
00:16:40It's just so nice the way it is.
00:16:43Well, uh, it cost me ten credits just to upload it to the app, so we're going to.
00:16:51Oh, my God, he's got it now!
00:16:55Oh, no!
00:16:57Oh, oh, Cal Ryland's back!
00:17:00Make him leave!
00:17:03Oh, no!
00:17:05A new one!
00:17:06No!
00:17:10All right, I think I've had enough of the photos.
00:17:13We're sorry, Grandma.
00:17:14We just wanted to do something special for you.
00:17:17Oh, you did!
00:17:18You came to visit me!
00:17:21Now I'll let you go, but will I see you for Christmas?
00:17:24Of course, Grandma.
00:17:26Yeah, if you make it till then.
00:17:27Nathan!
00:17:28What?
00:17:40You ever miss someone so much you lose sight of yourself?
00:17:44You think about them all the time, and you wonder if life will ever seem normal again.
00:17:51Haven't felt the same since you've been gone.
00:17:55Everyone else just feels so wrong.
00:17:58By now I thought I'd be over you.
00:18:01At the bottom of this bottle, I'll know what to do.
00:18:04I don't know what else to say.
00:18:06I just want to hear about your day.
00:18:09I can't stop thinking about what we had.
00:18:13Oh, man.
00:18:14I miss my ex's dad.
00:18:16Oh, Gary and Dr. Mike, I miss my ex's dad.
00:18:23You gave me a pocket knife and some shirts that all were plaid.
00:18:29Your socks, your Crocs, you're the ideal male with your ponytail.
00:18:34I don't miss his daughter at all, which I know is bad.
00:18:39I just miss my ex's dad.
00:18:42It's a damn shame when someone beautiful leaves your life.
00:18:46A damn shame.
00:18:48Remember Thanksgiving?
00:18:49You were in a bad mood.
00:18:51You wouldn't play charades.
00:18:52Everyone was mad at you.
00:18:54They were trying to put your name in the dirt, but I stepped in and said...
00:18:58She's under a lot of pressure at work.
00:19:00You passionately recommended Brooke's running shoes.
00:19:03And now my arches are forever in debt to you.
00:19:06I felt the vibe in your garage was red.
00:19:09You're the dad I never had, besides my real dad.
00:19:13Oh, Gary and Dr. Mike, I miss my ex's dad.
00:19:19We smoked cigars and that was tight.
00:19:23You played ball in undergrad.
00:19:26You're grill, you're Buick, you're the ideal man with your car to dance.
00:19:31Don't remember his daughter's name, which I know is bad.
00:19:35I just miss my ex's dad.
00:19:38Oh, Leon, I miss you.
00:19:42I'm your number one fan.
00:19:44Her new boyfriend did like my story about me and Siri, Dan.
00:19:51But I have a plan to get you back.
00:19:54A plan that cannot fail.
00:19:59What do you want to do for Christmas?
00:20:00Your new boyfriend tried to kiss me.
00:20:02No, I didn't.
00:20:03Yes, you did three times today.
00:20:06Once on the neck, once on my mouth, and once on my back.
00:20:09I didn't try to kiss your back.
00:20:11Dad, stop.
00:20:12I know you just missed Liam.
00:20:13So what if I do?
00:20:15I am not made of stone.
00:20:17He is the greatest man I have ever met.
00:20:19And you kicked him to the curb like a dog.
00:20:23I hate it here.
00:20:24No one in this family understands me.
00:20:29Does he usually like this?
00:20:31I miss my daughter's ex.
00:20:33Oh, Liam and Big Red.
00:20:37I miss my daughter's ex.
00:20:39I wish her new boyfriend was dead.
00:20:43I miss my daughter's ex.
00:20:45You should be here drinking beer with your favorite drinking lad.
00:20:51It ain't up to me, but I'm always proud of me.
00:20:57You're ex-dad.
00:21:04This is about to be the best Bachelor weekend online!
00:21:09Tears to the groom-to-be!
00:21:11And now I'm the only one left.
00:21:13The only single one left.
00:21:14It's just, it's, um...
00:21:16No, it'll happen for me.
00:21:19Guys, I just really want to say thank you for putting this all together.
00:21:22It is going to be an epic weekend.
00:21:24Oh, no, I hope it's not a scribble.
00:21:26Oh, I actually forgot to tell you guys.
00:21:30I have one more friend coming.
00:21:31You never met him.
00:21:33And I should probably warn you.
00:21:34He's, um...
00:21:36He's Sebastian Maniscalco.
00:21:39Wait, like the world-famous comedian?
00:21:41Yes, but he is nothing like what you've seen on TV, I promise.
00:21:45Guys, you're not gonna believe it.
00:21:51I'm driving my car, and I got the stick shift going, and then the traffic was on another level.
00:22:02Okay?
00:22:03And then this genius cuts me off, and I'm like, oh, why would you do that?
00:22:11Okay, so he's exactly like he is on TV.
00:22:14Sebastian, I have missed you, man.
00:22:16We gotta hang out more.
00:22:17It's true.
00:22:18All right.
00:22:19Well, I know this isn't a bachelorette party, but...
00:22:23Oh, my God.
00:22:24But I thought we could play a game.
00:22:26You gotta be kidding me.
00:22:27Oh, what?
00:22:29No, I'm not kidding, actually.
00:22:30It's a game called Guess the Girlfriend.
00:22:32You know what's a game I don't like?
00:22:35I don't like Twister.
00:22:37You heard of this, Twister?
00:22:38The guy goes, put your right foot on yellow, right?
00:22:42And then this son of a bitch, he goes, left hand to purple.
00:22:47Now my hand is in my rectum.
00:22:52And I go, it's not supposed to be there.
00:22:56All right, you are cooking, Seabass.
00:22:59Man, it was so boring before you got here.
00:23:02Okay, hurtful.
00:23:04I'm sorry, how do you two know each other?
00:23:07Oh, we actually went to camp together four years in a row.
00:23:10Some of the best times of my life.
00:23:13Okay, maybe we should just move past the game portion of the evening.
00:23:16This guy.
00:23:17Because I kind of wanted to make a speech.
00:23:20I know, that sucks.
00:23:22That sucks.
00:23:23But I do want to say a few words before you officially tie the knot.
00:23:27Let me tell you the biggest problem.
00:23:30The biggest problem with tying a knot, okay?
00:23:32When you got a boat, you got to tie the knot as tight as you can, okay?
00:23:38Because if you make a mistake, okay, that boat that costs you half your salary, it's kiss
00:23:46goodbye.
00:23:49That is exactly why I don't have a boat, because I don't want to kiss it goodbye.
00:23:54It's better when Sebastian does it.
00:23:56Okay, I'm sorry.
00:23:58Sebastian, it's awesome meeting you, man.
00:24:00But this weekend is about dating.
00:24:03Like, he's the one getting married.
00:24:04Oh, you want some marriage, bud?
00:24:08The biggest obstacle is going to be the mother-in-law, okay?
00:24:12And it's not the type of obstacle you can step over it.
00:24:17No, you're going to have to jump over the mother-in-law.
00:24:22Sebastian, I swear, your body is a wonderland.
00:24:25Thank you, buddy.
00:24:26Okay, guys, Sebastian has totally changed the dynamic of this sleepover.
00:24:31Hey, bro, don't do that.
00:24:33Pause.
00:24:33It's not a sleepover.
00:24:34I think what Austin is trying to say is it's, like, starting to feel like you don't really
00:24:38care about us, and you only really care about Sebastian Maniscalco.
00:24:41Okay, look, if you guys can't hang around with me when I'm around Sebastian, then maybe
00:24:47you shouldn't hang around with me at all.
00:24:49And that's facts.
00:24:51Listen, my sincerest apologies to you guys.
00:24:55I just haven't seen Dave in a while.
00:24:58And this guy, he taught me everything I know.
00:25:01That's right.
00:25:02You know, ever since we were two kids at summer camp, back when we would be playing
00:25:07Dennis, a shooting basketball, we used to love to swim.
00:25:13We were swimming.
00:25:15People don't know this, but me and this guy, we were like two peas in a pod.
00:25:19You understand?
00:25:20Look, I know I sound different now, but that is still who I am on the inside.
00:25:24Every day, I have to quiet down my inner Sebastian.
00:25:28I gotta push it down.
00:25:30I gotta say, nah, nah.
00:25:33Wow.
00:25:34Sorry, we didn't know that.
00:25:35It's okay.
00:25:36So, no way for you to know that.
00:25:39Okay, now who could that be?
00:25:42Oh, I did order a scripper, but before she come in, I should warn y'all, she's Jennifer
00:25:46Coolidge.
00:25:48Oh, wow!
00:25:50Hi, boys!
00:25:53I can't wait to dance for you.
00:25:55And don't worry, I still got a fat ass!
00:26:09On December 6th, Melissa McCarthy with musical guest, Dijon!
00:26:35Hey everyone, I just wanted to say I'm so honored to be here in Oslo directing this movie, Scent of
00:26:43a Marriage.
00:26:43I am a huge fan of Norwegian film.
00:26:46You guys take such an unflinching look at the ways we devastate each other.
00:26:52So, let's go for a take, Hugin?
00:26:55Scent of a Marriage, Scent of a Marriage, take one.
00:27:02And action!
00:27:04Do you even love me?
00:27:07Please don't ask me that.
00:27:10What are you going to do?
00:27:12Work at the bookstore till you're 50?
00:27:15You should be writing books, not selling them.
00:27:18How can you say this?
00:27:20Everything I do is for our son.
00:27:22Everything changed after the accident.
00:27:24Don't use him as an excuse.
00:27:27You're just afraid of never wanting anything.
00:27:31And you think that makes me a coward.
00:27:34You're too lazy to be a coward.
00:27:37A coward has the energy to hide.
00:27:40You just sit there.
00:27:44Anka!
00:27:45Oh my God!
00:27:48That was insane!
00:27:50Okay, that was like the coolest thing I ever experienced.
00:27:53Okay, you are amazing at acting.
00:27:56I was like, we were on the surfboard of emotion.
00:27:59And I was like, let's ride.
00:28:01We were riding.
00:28:02We were riding.
00:28:03Really?
00:28:04Really?
00:28:04Wow.
00:28:04Awesome.
00:28:05I didn't quite expect you guys to have this kind of energy right now.
00:28:09But yeah, I think that take was great.
00:28:11So, let's just move on to the next scene, if that's okay?
00:28:13Yeah, so cool.
00:28:14So effing cool.
00:28:15Excellent.
00:28:17This is where you're waiting for your son to get out of the hospital.
00:28:20Okay.
00:28:21Saint of America, Saint Eitain, Tarkman.
00:28:25And action!
00:28:27I'm sick of you.
00:28:30I'm sick of your taste.
00:28:32How would you know how I taste?
00:28:35You haven't touched me since our son fell down the hill.
00:28:41Touching you is not an impulse that I have.
00:28:43That you have.
00:28:46You, you, you.
00:28:48Listen to yourself.
00:28:56I'm leaving you.
00:28:58Cat!
00:28:59No!
00:29:00Guys, this is so good!
00:29:03I love this script!
00:29:05Seriously, seriously, seriously, I have, like, little goose bumps.
00:29:08Oh, my God, the goose bumps?
00:29:10Okay, raise your hand if you felt that.
00:29:12Me?
00:29:13You felt it.
00:29:14Okay, high five, high five.
00:29:16Oh, wow.
00:29:17You guys are loving this.
00:29:18You really got some chemistry.
00:29:20Oh, we were acting.
00:29:21We were acting.
00:29:22We were acting.
00:29:24We were acting.
00:29:25Okay, excellent.
00:29:27Well, honestly, what we're getting on camera is terrific, and this is this, so, uh, let's
00:29:34keep moving, and we'll jump to the bed scene.
00:29:36Oh, uh-oh, scene in the bed.
00:29:38Uh-oh, uh, hope the bed doesn't break.
00:29:40Get freaky.
00:29:43Um, excuse me, don't poke me with that thing.
00:29:45Oh, don't poke me with those things.
00:29:47Oh, don't poke me.
00:29:50Saint of a marriage, scene 40, tag one.
00:29:55And action!
00:29:58It's over.
00:30:00I know.
00:30:02Mama.
00:30:04Dad.
00:30:05Is it my fault you're getting a divorce?
00:30:16Yes.
00:30:18A cow!
00:30:20No!
00:30:21No!
00:30:22Best scene yet!
00:30:24Seriously, guys?
00:30:25We are going to Hollywood!
00:30:27We're going to meet Jimmy Kilmora!
00:30:29Kelly Clarkson!
00:30:30Okay, okay. Who am I?
00:30:33Michael, this movie was the best.
00:30:35Hot ones! Hot ones!
00:30:36Yes, you got it!
00:30:38Okay, guys, I think we got to move on.
00:30:41So let's, uh, please go to the next scene
00:30:43with the father's entrance, okay?
00:30:45We've got Stellan standing by.
00:30:47So y'all ready?
00:30:49Excellent. Places, Mr. Skarsgård!
00:30:52And action!
00:30:58Father, what are you doing here?
00:31:01I've come to tell you the truth.
00:31:04It's my fault your son fell down here.
00:31:07No, it's not.
00:31:10I pushed him hard on the shoulder.
00:31:12I watched him tumble straight into the spruce.
00:31:17Grandpa, is this true?
00:31:20You pushed me down?
00:31:23Yes.
00:31:24I am a monster.
00:31:27Now forever I will live with the sounds of his cries,
00:31:31the taste of his grief,
00:31:33and the scent of your marriage.
00:31:39Cut!
00:31:40Oh, my God!
00:31:42That's the name of the movie!
00:31:45Oh, I have, like, goosebumps to that now, for real.
00:31:47It's crazy!
00:31:54MacGruber!
00:31:55MacGruber!
00:31:55Making life-saving inventions at a house of materials.
00:31:59MacGruber!
00:32:00Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations.
00:32:03MacGruber!
00:32:04The guys are friggin' genius!
00:32:06MacGruber!
00:32:12MacGruber!
00:32:13MacGruber!
00:32:13The door's well-edged shut.
00:32:14There's no escape.
00:32:15That's not our only problem, MacGruber.
00:32:17By the looks of that cluster bomb,
00:32:18we've only got 45 seconds.
00:32:19Don't worry, gang.
00:32:20I can tame this bronco in my sleep.
00:32:23Bomb class 101.
00:32:24Tony, hand me that pencil sharpener.
00:32:26You got it, MacGruber.
00:32:28Colton, now patch your foil!
00:32:29On the way, MacGrubs.
00:32:31Now just sit back and enjoy the Rizzy.
00:32:34Why would someone trap us in a control room with a bomb?
00:32:36I think I know why, and I feel awful.
00:32:39See, I have a document in my possession that I was going to leak to the press.
00:32:42Something so sensitive, something so powerful,
00:32:44that people would go to any lengths to stop me.
00:32:47The Colonel's secret recipe.
00:32:49Even more sensitive.
00:32:52The SD noise.
00:32:54Unredacted.
00:32:55Talk about explosive.
00:32:57But far too long, the rich and powerful have lived by a different set of rules than the rest of
00:33:02us.
00:33:02But it's time for a reckoning.
00:33:04Because no one, and I mean no one, is above the law.
00:33:08Let's take a look at these bottom feeders.
00:33:13Something wrong, MacGruber?
00:33:1815 seconds, MacGruber!
00:33:20Right, Tony! Hand me that needle!
00:33:22Where? I don't see a needle!
00:33:24Keep looking! It's behind you!
00:33:25Colton, help her! Look! I super need it!
00:33:28We can't find it!
00:33:29MacGruber, what are you doing?
00:33:31Insurance, Colton, this list is too important to have all in one place for some bad guy to steal.
00:33:36So I'm breaking it up into tiny little pieces,
00:33:39which we can hide in various garbage cans that only we know about.
00:33:43MacGruber, do you know somebody on the list?
00:33:45Okay, okay, well, yeah, okay, okay, okay.
00:33:48I do know one guy.
00:33:50MacGruber?
00:33:51Are you on the list?
00:33:52Ha! Right! As if.
00:33:55No!
00:33:56Scout's honor.
00:34:00MacGruber!
00:34:07Dear Mom, just writing to let you know they transferred me to a new top secret division.
00:34:13I don't know much about it, but it doesn't matter.
00:34:15I would do anything to serve this country.
00:34:18I miss you, Mom.
00:34:20Love.
00:34:21Manny.
00:34:24Got two, three, four.
00:34:26Slay two, three, four.
00:34:27Come on, two, three, four.
00:34:29And halt!
00:34:31Sergeants!
00:34:32Amazing bot on you, private.
00:34:34Booty caked.
00:34:35Waist snatched.
00:34:37Face giving.
00:34:38Mmm, but the hair?
00:34:39We're gonna need to bob it.
00:34:43You're gonna need to what?
00:34:44Oh, honey, you didn't know.
00:34:46Oh, he didn't know.
00:34:48He didn't know!
00:34:49You've been assigned to the sleigh division.
00:34:54And in the sleigh division, everybody gets bobbed.
00:34:59I'm sorry, the sleigh division? I've never heard of that.
00:35:02The U.S. military is always in search of innovative ways to intimidate the enemy.
00:35:07And research shows there's nothing more intimidating than a freak-ass bob.
00:35:13Have you ever spoken to a woman with a bob?
00:35:16You don't want to get on her bad side.
00:35:19And if you see a man with a bob, diva, you better run.
00:35:25A buzz cut says, get the guns, but a bob says, get the manager.
00:35:31I'm confused. Is your hair like a weapon?
00:35:33Yes, but we don't kill our enemies.
00:35:35We gag them with blunt force.
00:35:41Fall in, company!
00:35:45Dash, two, three, four, and play!
00:35:48Two, three, four, go off!
00:35:50Two, three, four, and halt!
00:35:53Attention!
00:35:54It's all we want!
00:35:58So all you guys do is, like, dance around and get haircuts?
00:36:02That's not all.
00:36:03We also listen to Tate McRae and do poppers until we pass out.
00:36:08Sleigh division, what is our mission?
00:36:12Serve and protect, but mostly serve.
00:36:16Hold on, Connors.
00:36:18Are my eyes deceiving me?
00:36:20Or did you bring a bang to a bob fight?
00:36:24Oh!
00:36:25This diva deceived us.
00:36:26His hair is an absolute flop.
00:36:28A bang gives post-brickup crisis,
00:36:30while a bob gives divorced and thriving.
00:36:34Wait, what's that sound?
00:36:36The scent of his flop-ass bang must have led them to us.
00:36:41It's our rival division.
00:36:43The bang battalion!
00:36:46Oh!
00:36:47When the bangs!
00:36:48Oh!
00:36:48When the bangs!
00:36:50Oh!
00:36:50When the bangs come serving fans!
00:36:54Booth the house down!
00:36:56Bang the house up!
00:36:57Bang the bobs out!
00:36:58Look all the guts!
00:36:59The gumption!
00:37:01Ooh!
00:37:02The girls are fighting!
00:37:04You guys really think you stood a chance,
00:37:06but we have a bob-sniffing dog.
00:37:11Bob Army, show these skanks how it's done!
00:37:16Run me my chance!
00:37:17Everywhere we go!
00:37:19People wanna know!
00:37:21Where we got this jacket!
00:37:23So we tell them!
00:37:25Oh!
00:37:25I don't know!
00:37:26Um, I think it was a gift!
00:37:29Wow!
00:37:30I'm not gonna lie!
00:37:31Y'all gagged us a bit!
00:37:32I'm teasing bio-mama!
00:37:34Have any of you even been deployed?
00:37:36Of course we have!
00:37:38Sergeant Baker did two tours in Iraq!
00:37:41It was crazy!
00:37:41The guns were like, ah-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka!
00:37:45And Lucina Torres has a golden stall!
00:37:48That's right!
00:37:49I have never been with a woman!
00:37:51Okay, what?
00:37:53Does Pete Hex says no about this?
00:37:55No!
00:37:56We don't report to her!
00:37:59We only answer to Leslie Bibb!
00:38:01Because the Air Force is in the air,
00:38:03the Navy is in the water,
00:38:04and wearing your head rent-free!
00:38:09You have a choice here, Cadet!
00:38:12Will you join the Bobs?
00:38:14Or the Bangs?
00:38:18Well...
00:38:19I'm gonna have to see y'all turn it out
00:38:21before you clock my gag!
00:38:23Oh!
00:38:24Okay, Purr!
00:38:26Let's show him how we serve country!
00:38:38Well, Private, what will it be?
00:38:42I'm gonna bop it!
00:38:44Okay!
00:38:46I'm glad to have you, Diva.
00:38:48We are getting deployed in the morning.
00:38:51Oh, where to?
00:38:52Zara, Midtown.
00:38:54It's a war zone in there.
00:38:59Zara, Midtown.
00:39:00We said what we said.
00:39:31Ladies and gentlemen, Olivia Deen.
00:39:36Talk to me, talk to me.
00:39:40Talk to me, talk to me.
00:39:45Looks like we're making up for lost time.
00:39:49Need you to spell it out for me.
00:39:53What's a no-one, oh my.
00:39:57It's like a type of alchemy.
00:40:02Introduce me to your best friend.
00:40:05I can come and start writing.
00:40:09A satellite ain't even that far.
00:40:13I kind of wonder where you already know I can leave it alone.
00:40:19You're on my mind, yeah.
00:40:24I've already gave you the time and the place to love me shy.
00:40:30Just come be the man I need.
00:40:32Tell me you got something to give.
00:40:34I want it.
00:40:36I kind of like it when you call me wonderful.
00:40:40Whatever the type of talk it is.
00:40:43Come on, babe.
00:40:45I gotta know you're meant to be the man I need.
00:40:48Talk to me.
00:40:50Talk to me.
00:40:52Talk to me.
00:40:53Talk to me.
00:40:54Be the man that I need, baby.
00:40:56Talk to me.
00:40:57Talk to me.
00:40:58Be the man that I need, need, need.
00:41:00Talk to me.
00:41:01Talk to me.
00:41:02Be the man, man, man, man, man, man.
00:41:09I'd like to think you feel the same way.
00:41:13But I can't tell with you sometime.
00:41:17So, baby, let's get on the same page.
00:41:21Stop making me read between the lines.
00:41:25Already know I can't leave it alone.
00:41:27Oh, my, my, my, my, and I already gave you the time and the place.
00:41:36Don't be shy.
00:41:37Just come be the man I need.
00:41:40Tell me you got something to give.
00:41:43I want it.
00:41:45I kind of like it when you call me wonderful.
00:41:49Whatever the type of talk it is.
00:41:51Just come on, babe.
00:41:53I got to know you're meant to be the man I need.
00:41:56Talk to me.
00:41:58Talk to me.
00:42:00Talk to me.
00:42:02Talk to me.
00:42:04Talk to me.
00:42:05Talk to me.
00:42:06Be the man that I need, baby.
00:42:08Talk to me.
00:42:09Talk to me.
00:42:10Be the man that I need, need, need.
00:42:12Talk to me.
00:42:13Talk to me.
00:42:14Be the man that I need, baby.
00:42:16Talk to me.
00:42:17Talk to me.
00:42:18Be me, me, me, me, me
00:43:05It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Chang
00:43:16Thank you, guys. Thank you. Good evening. Good evening, everyone.
00:43:24Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Chay.
00:43:25I'm Colin Jost.
00:43:28Well, the longest government shutdown in history finally ended after 43 days.
00:43:33And, you know, first day back in the office, you got to check all those piled up emails.
00:43:40House Democrats released an email written by Jeffrey Epstein in which he claims that Donald Trump, quote,
00:43:46knew about the girls. It's bombshell news that legal experts are calling, duh.
00:43:53This week's Epstein documents are obviously very dark and disturbing,
00:43:57but I also think it's kind of adorable that Epstein's email address was JEEVacation at Gmail.
00:44:04It's like if Jeffrey Dahmers was dinnertime Jeff at Yahoo.
00:44:11In one of the emails, Epstein's brother asked if Vladimir Putin has a picture of Donald Trump
00:44:16giving oral sex to someone named Bubba, which was an old nickname for Bill Clinton.
00:44:22So I guess that's one job Trump has created.
00:44:27I don't know if that oral sex story is true, but I do know that image is burned in my
00:44:31brain like that scene from The Shining.
00:44:36According to one released email, Jeffrey Epstein claimed that he was, quote,
00:44:41the one able to take Trump down, which is pretty big talk for a guy who lost to a bedsheet.
00:44:53I just have to say, you know, in general, I don't really believe in conspiracies because as a member of
00:44:59the Illuminati,
00:45:00I know that we, the lizard people, control everything.
00:45:05And it's really hard to believe that Trump was so oblivious that he didn't notice his good friend
00:45:11was running an international pedophile ring.
00:45:13Though I guess Trump is the one guy on Earth who thinks YMCA is a straight anthem.
00:45:20And on a basic level, it's just shocking how many alleged pedophiles Trump was friends with.
00:45:26Epstein, Prince Andrew, and Diddy.
00:45:29I mean, that's, that's a lot, you know?
00:45:31I mean, think about your own friend group.
00:45:34You know, how many pedophiles do you know?
00:45:37One, maybe two.
00:45:39But Trump's like the Forrest Gump of meeting famous pedophiles.
00:45:45The bill ending the government shutdown will fun snap through next September.
00:45:50And thank God, because I was this close to donating food.
00:45:56President Trump, President Trump attended a Washington Commanders game on Sunday.
00:46:01And I guess he hasn't been to one in a while because he showed up in Redskin.
00:46:09It was also reported that President Trump told the owners of the Washington Commanders
00:46:14that he wants their new stadium to be named in his honor.
00:46:17So say hello to the Dementia Dome.
00:46:22In a new interview, President Trump denied online rumors that the gold decorations in
00:46:27the Oval Office came from Home Depot, even though he has a whole team of guys taking stuff
00:46:33from Home Depot all the time.
00:46:38This might be my favorite episode.
00:46:42President Trump is threatening to sue the BBC for $5 billion for a documentary that edited out
00:46:48the part of his January 6th speech where he called for protesters to be peaceful.
00:46:54And to set the record straight, here is the full, unedited, completely accurate clip
00:46:58of what Trump said on that day.
00:47:00Everybody knows I went down on Bill Clinton.
00:47:16Yeah, everyone wants to see it.
00:47:21Astronauts on the International Space Station are testing a new process that makes food using
00:47:26their own urine.
00:47:28They're also testing a new dessert called I Can't Believe It's Not Brownie.
00:47:34Netflix is producing a sequel to the 1990s Cosby show spinoff A Different World about students
00:47:40at an HBCU, which of course stands for, help, Bill Cosby's undressing.
00:47:53A sheriff's officer in Indiana went into an elementary school to jokingly hand out tickets to students
00:48:00using the phrase 6-7.
00:48:02Everyone had a good laugh.
00:48:04Then he pulled out his gun and said,
00:48:06Now tell me what it means.
00:48:10The U.S. meant this week, stop producing new pennies.
00:48:14Doesn't make sense.
00:48:25No, I had another one.
00:48:27It was, uh, the U.S. meant this week stop producing new pennies.
00:48:30One last severe blow to Lincoln's head.
00:48:37So I'll do the first one.
00:48:38I'll do the first one.
00:48:41Maxwell House Coffee temporarily changed its name to Maxwell Apartment to better reflect
00:48:48current times.
00:48:49Though it's much better than their first choice.
00:48:52The Lane Maxwell House came up so early.
00:48:59And finally, a new documentary that analyzed Adolf Hitler's DNA shows he suffered from a disease
00:49:06which leads to lower testosterone levels, undescended testicles, and a micropenis.
00:49:11Traits inherited by his secret grandson.
00:49:20But we can all get on Michael Che.
00:49:22I'm probably will.
00:49:23Good night.
00:49:24How do you?
00:49:49I still don't understand why we have to pick up your ex-husband from the airport.
00:49:53Kind of awkward sauce.
00:49:54Honey, my daughter was kidnapped by sex traffickers in Paris.
00:49:59And then my ex-husband flew there, killed them all, and got her back.
00:50:04The least I could do was pick him up from the airport, okay?
00:50:07Oh my God, there they are.
00:50:09Mom!
00:50:10Kim!
00:50:11Oh, my goodness.
00:50:12Yeah, thanks to Dad.
00:50:17Brian.
00:50:19Lenore.
00:50:19What you did.
00:50:21What you did.
00:50:22It was so brave.
00:50:24Any man would do it first, only.
00:50:29I was gonna go.
00:50:32What's that, Dennis?
00:50:33I was gonna fly to Paris and kill the traffickers myself, but I couldn't, because I never got
00:50:38my real ID.
00:50:40Dennis, don't be ridiculous.
00:50:41You would have never done that.
00:50:43You're scared of flying.
00:50:44I was going to take a cruise ship.
00:50:47The point is, we got Kim back, and either of us could have done it.
00:50:51Brian.
00:50:51Brian.
00:50:53I have to ask you something.
00:50:55Anything.
00:50:57I'm an open book.
00:50:58How did you hunt down the traffickers?
00:51:01Well, let's just say I have a very particular set of skills.
00:51:06Not communication, though, right?
00:51:09Never because that was, like, the main reason you two got divorced.
00:51:11Dennis, that's not the main reason me and Brian got divorced.
00:51:15Oh, right.
00:51:16Yeah, you said the relationship was too physical.
00:51:19It's true.
00:51:20Every conversation seemed to end up with our clothes on the floor.
00:51:24Well, I don't leave clothes on the floor.
00:51:27I put them in the hamper.
00:51:32Okay.
00:51:33Sweetheart, how are you holding up?
00:51:36I'm okay.
00:51:37A little cold.
00:51:39Here, take my jacket.
00:51:41Yeah, yeah, and take my shirt, too.
00:51:44Yeah.
00:51:45Yeah, you can wrap it around your head, you know, for warmth, like a do-rag.
00:51:50Stop!
00:51:51Yeah, that's fine.
00:51:53Didn't want to wear my shirt anyway.
00:51:55Not with guns like this.
00:51:59Oops.
00:52:01Silent but deadly.
00:52:02It wasn't silent.
00:52:04Well, it didn't smell.
00:52:05It very much did.
00:52:07Mom, I'm really hungry.
00:52:09Okay, come on, sweetheart.
00:52:10Let's get you a snack.
00:52:11Oh, hey, if you're going to Starby's, can you get me another bear cup?
00:52:15You already have one.
00:52:17He needs a friend.
00:52:24Chicks, huh?
00:52:27So, you killed a lot of people, huh?
00:52:29Must be scary.
00:52:30Pretty major sin.
00:52:32Maybe it is, Dennis.
00:52:34But I would go to hell for my little girl.
00:52:37Our little girl.
00:52:39Easy mistake to make.
00:52:40You might have raised her, but she drives me to work.
00:52:43Got to get that real ID.
00:52:45Okay, well, we should probably get going.
00:52:49Brian, Brian, I'm forever in your jet.
00:52:53And you're forever in my heart.
00:52:56You know, being in Paris made me think of our honeymoon.
00:52:59We didn't get to see much of the city, did we?
00:53:03Spent most of it in the hotel room.
00:53:06Jet lag is such a bitch.
00:53:10Perhaps we could go back someday.
00:53:12Maybe see the Louvre.
00:53:14Or make Louvre.
00:53:18Don't Louvre that.
00:53:20Kim.
00:53:21Kim, you forgot your bag.
00:53:23Oh, my God.
00:53:24It's one of the traffickers.
00:53:25Come here, Dennis.
00:53:26No, no, no.
00:53:28Dennis, what the hell?
00:53:29That's my boyfriend.
00:53:32Yeah, you idiot.
00:53:34Did you think I was a trafficker because I'm not white?
00:53:37Dennis, what's wrong with you?
00:53:43Wow.
00:53:44Looks like I really messed up, huh?
00:53:47Well, I guess the important thing is I try to be brave.
00:53:51And in the end, that's what you love about me, isn't it, Lenore?
00:53:57Good boy.
00:53:58Looks like my wife's the one who's taken.
00:54:01Now that's awkward sauce.
00:54:11MacGroober!
00:54:12He's finding out that honesty is not his best policy.
00:54:15MacGroober!
00:54:17His friends are real suspicious because he's being quite evasive.
00:54:20MacGroober!
00:54:21The list is not your attraction.
00:54:23MacGroober!
00:54:29The door's pressure bolted shut.
00:54:30And from the looks of that plasma bomb, we've only got 42 seconds.
00:54:33Don't worry, gang.
00:54:35We got this.
00:54:35And look, I know we're all still smarting that we lost that Epstein list.
00:54:40We've got another copy right here, Groots.
00:54:42What?
00:54:43That's great!
00:54:44Like you taught me, always make a backup.
00:54:46Good, good, good, good, good!
00:54:49Good, good boy.
00:54:51MacGroober, 30 seconds.
00:54:52Okay, uh, Tawny, pass me that marker.
00:54:54You got it, MacGroober.
00:54:55Colton, toss me that radical left-wing hoax list.
00:54:58Are you going to shred it again?
00:54:59Give me the frigging list or I will furlough you!
00:55:02I will furlough you so frigging hard!
00:55:05You won't know where the first starts and the low ends!
00:55:09Fine, fine, Jesus.
00:55:12MacGroober, what are you doing?
00:55:13Making a few redactions.
00:55:16Okay, we see what's happening here.
00:55:18You're obviously on the list.
00:55:20Me on the list?
00:55:21Oh, that's rich!
00:55:23You're just saying that because you're on the list!
00:55:26What?
00:55:26Aw, me.
00:55:28What's your last name?
00:55:29You can't just write our names on the document.
00:55:3213 seconds!
00:55:33Look, I get it.
00:55:34If I was on this list, and there's no way to prove that I am,
00:55:37I'd be freaking out, too.
00:55:39But you are not monsters.
00:55:41So, hey, why don't we just forget about this list, huh?
00:55:43Because it's just a distraction.
00:55:45So, what do you say goodbye and good riddance?
00:55:49Three seconds!
00:55:50To new beginnings, huh?
00:55:58She is.
00:55:59Balty timer.
00:56:00I got this.
00:56:02What are you doing, Rupert?
00:56:04Giving you and Tani Miller a fresh start!
00:56:06We're not on the list!
00:56:08Yeah, neither am I, wink.
00:56:10Sorry, I'm not good at winking.
00:56:11But Rupert, that's not the only copy of the list.
00:56:14What now?
00:56:15Let's go!
00:56:17Yeah!
00:56:21Yeah!
00:56:22Yeah!
00:56:23Yeah!
00:56:24Yeah!
00:56:26Yeah!
00:56:33Yeah!
00:56:36Yeah!
00:56:43Once again, Olivia Deen.
00:56:55Thought I was done with this feeling.
00:57:00Really thought you could be him.
00:57:05Thought I was safe.
00:57:12And you were the warmth that I needed.
00:57:18Like a breeze in the evening.
00:57:22And then you changed.
00:57:26You're all the same.
00:57:29It's too much to me.
00:57:34You're the hurt that you win.
00:57:40Though I've tried to hold on.
00:57:47If you knew me at all, you wouldn't try to keep me small.
00:57:57Mmm, who would do that to a friend, let alone the one you lost?
00:58:09And any choice you had worth making, I'd push you to take it.
00:58:19No questions asked, no doubt in mind.
00:58:24But when they're mine, yeah.
00:58:27You react like I'm crossing a line.
00:58:32I'm too much to handle and just dial it back a bit.
00:58:38Well, well, I'm not having it late.
00:58:45It's too much to handle and just dial it back a bit.
00:58:49You're the hurt that you win.
00:59:11You're the hurt that you win.
00:59:13Mmm, who would do that to a friend, let alone the one you lost?
00:59:22Mmm...
00:59:27Mmm...
00:59:30Mmm...
00:59:30Mmm...
00:59:32Mmm...
00:59:34Mmm...
00:59:34Mmm...
00:59:34Mmm...
00:59:35Mmm...
00:59:35Mmm...
00:59:42Mmm...
00:59:42Easy, easy, easy
01:00:15I am so glad we were able to get together
01:00:18before we all leave for the holidays.
01:00:20I know, a proper Friendsgiving.
01:00:23Wait, is Melissa not coming?
01:00:24Oh, no, she said she'd be a little late.
01:00:26She's getting her hair done.
01:00:27Oh, okay, fancy.
01:00:29I know, I guess this super famous hairdresser or something,
01:00:32she had to get on some kind of list.
01:00:34Wish I had money to do fun stuff like that.
01:00:51Oh, no, no.
01:00:56Hello.
01:01:00You're just in time.
01:01:03We haven't ordered yet.
01:01:05Great.
01:01:07Great.
01:01:08Great, I'm hungry.
01:01:11Ooh, steak.
01:01:17I got my hair done.
01:01:18Okay, I did, I did, yes.
01:01:22And I like it.
01:01:25I like it.
01:01:26Yeah, it is beautiful.
01:01:29Oh, thank you.
01:01:31Jean Van Clark, hairdresser.
01:01:33Yep, he does everybody.
01:01:35Celebrities, pop stars, ooh, it's kind of a big deal.
01:01:40Well, you make it look classic.
01:01:45Thank you, Peter.
01:01:48Yeah, he said not a lot of people could pull this off.
01:01:51But I can.
01:01:54I can.
01:01:55I'm so sorry.
01:01:56Oh, my God.
01:01:57Don't cry.
01:01:59I'm so chill.
01:01:59I'm just, oh, I just feel so lucky.
01:02:03I'm so lucky.
01:02:04I'm finally me.
01:02:06Hi, y'all.
01:02:07Can I get y'all started with, I hate it!
01:02:15I'm so sorry.
01:02:17I will go get you a different server.
01:02:24Well, Melissa, I really like it.
01:02:28Me too.
01:02:30Me too.
01:02:32Yeah.
01:02:32Write this down.
01:02:33John Vaughn at Salon Vaughn.
01:02:35He is just the best.
01:02:39And just curious, what did you tell him you wanted?
01:02:43A trim.
01:02:46A trim.
01:02:46But you know what?
01:02:47The music was so dang loud in those places.
01:02:50Oh, my gosh.
01:02:51Dangerously loud he had it.
01:02:52So, I just don't think he heard me.
01:02:54And thank God.
01:02:55Because I like it.
01:02:59And you said he does celebrities?
01:03:01Oh, yeah, babe.
01:03:03Oh, yeah.
01:03:04He's the real deal.
01:03:05I mean, gosh, he does, what does he do?
01:03:07Greg the Beast, Wax Man, and the Mickey Mouse Killers.
01:03:13Who are the Mickey Mouse Killers?
01:03:16Oh, you gotta listen to them.
01:03:18John Vaughn put me on to them.
01:03:19Let's just say, uh, if you see four guys with this haircut singing about killing kids,
01:03:24you're at one of their concerts.
01:03:27Where is this dang server?
01:03:29No!
01:03:31Oh!
01:03:32Oh!
01:03:32Oh.
01:03:34Yes.
01:03:35The Skin Square.
01:03:38That's his own personal signature, you know.
01:03:42Um, Melissa, isn't your sister's wedding this weekend?
01:03:47Tomorrow.
01:03:49Yes, I'm the maid of Anna.
01:03:51So, it'll be fun.
01:03:53Lots of pictures.
01:03:53And my ex will be there.
01:03:55Show him what he's missing.
01:03:56Oh, oh.
01:03:57Oh, God, what he's missing.
01:03:58I'm so sorry.
01:03:59Oh, God.
01:03:59I'm so sorry.
01:04:00I'm just so excited.
01:04:02I'm so excited.
01:04:03Well, I think I speak for all of us.
01:04:06It's when I say, it looks awesome and we love it.
01:04:10Oh.
01:04:11What do you love about it?
01:04:14What do you mean?
01:04:15What do you love about it?
01:04:18All of it.
01:04:20What specifically?
01:04:23It's easier to wash?
01:04:25It is!
01:04:26Yes, it is!
01:04:27Well, actually, funny thing is I don't even have to shower anymore because whatever chemical
01:04:30he used in the hair, not allowed to touch water because it causes, um, oh, it's not
01:04:37brain damage.
01:04:38What is it?
01:04:39Passing.
01:04:40Pass away.
01:04:41You pass away.
01:04:41Oh, my God.
01:04:46So.
01:04:47Where's the waiter?
01:04:50All right, hello, everyone.
01:04:51I'll be taking over your table.
01:04:53Can I get you all started?
01:04:54Your hair.
01:04:56Is it John Vaughn?
01:04:59How did you...
01:05:05We don't like it!
01:05:23MacGroover!
01:05:25MacGroover!
01:05:25It's pretty clear right now that MacGroover's on the upscene list.
01:05:28MacGroover!
01:05:29He's been doing lots of thinking about where his life has taken him.
01:05:32MacGroover!
01:05:34Only God can judge him.
01:05:35MacGroover!
01:05:40MacGroover!
01:05:40We're welded in again, and we only have 30 seconds.
01:05:43But, guys, before I defuse this bomb, there's something you need to know.
01:05:47You're on the upscene list.
01:05:49All over it.
01:05:50Like every third page, I'm not on.
01:05:52Oh, my God!
01:05:53But, uh, so are you.
01:05:54No, we're not!
01:05:55Look, I worked on the ground crew, servicing the aircraft.
01:05:58I knew nothing about what was going on, but I saw a lot of very important people getting
01:06:03on that plane.
01:06:03And I sold them a lot of low-grade cocaine and some crystal.
01:06:07Now I realize I have nothing to fear, because I've done nothing wrong, except for diluting
01:06:12the cocaine with playground sand.
01:06:13The only people who don't want that list out are the people who have done something wrong.
01:06:19Well, I wrote a song about it.
01:06:20Would you like to hear it?
01:06:21Fifteen seconds, MacGroover!
01:06:23To the tune of Amazing Grace.
01:06:24Colton, do you beatbox?
01:06:25No!
01:06:26Now, set myself up.
01:06:33MacGroover!
01:06:37That's all I got.
01:06:37Okay, would you be willing to testify about everything you saw?
01:06:42I'll do anything to get the truth out there.
01:06:44That's so brave.
01:06:45Five seconds.
01:06:45Yeah, because there are a lot of very powerful people who would do just about anything to keep
01:06:49your mouth shut, offer you money, pardons.
01:06:52Wait, backtrack a little bit.
01:06:53Money and pardons, you're saying?
01:06:55Will you tell me who you saw?
01:06:59I saw.
01:07:20All right, thank you to Olivia Dean, Lorne Michaels, the amazing casting.
01:07:27And most importantly, Mitch, the UPS driver.
01:07:34This has been one of the best nights of my whole life.
01:07:38Thank you so much.
01:07:39I appreciate it.
01:07:40Good night.
01:07:41Good night.
01:07:55Good night.
Comments