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00:00:02And now, a message from the President of the United States.
00:00:07Hello, everyone. Happy New Year.
00:00:10I hope everyone had a nice holiday and got what they wanted for Christmas.
00:00:15I got what I wanted, my very own someone else's Nobel Prize, which I'll cherish.
00:00:23And in my stocking, I got Maduro, Nicolas Maduro.
00:00:27We did a reverse Santa on him.
00:00:29We came down the chimney with a bag and took him away.
00:00:33Anyway, I'm here today to catch you up on all the exciting things we've been doing.
00:00:38And I'll be joined by my cabinet, my little cabinet of curiosities, my little freaks.
00:00:44Various monsters and nightmares from the twisted mind of Guillermo del Trump.
00:00:51We've got little Marco and J.D. Vance.
00:00:55Yeah, you can laugh for them.
00:00:56They're the nice boys to do what they told.
00:00:59And I think Stephen Miller's in here somewhere, but he's on the ceiling.
00:01:04Someone brought a Bible in here and he just sort of scampered right up the wall onto the ceiling.
00:01:09So maybe we'll get them down in a moment.
00:01:11But these guys are great.
00:01:13They're helping me do so many legal-ish things to try to get people to stop talking about Epstein.
00:01:20Oh, Marco's passing me a note here.
00:01:22Don't read this out loud.
00:01:25But maybe don't talk about that.
00:01:27Also, do you like me?
00:01:28Circle yes or no.
00:01:30Marco, I'm going to need a third option.
00:01:33Marco's from Cuba and Cuba is next.
00:01:36So, Marco, while you're here, could you say a few words to the people of Cuba?
00:01:44No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:01:47Not in here, big guy.
00:01:48No, no, no.
00:01:48I didn't like that at all.
00:01:50You're driving in the wrong direction, honey.
00:01:53Now, let's get a few words from my vice president, J.D. Vance.
00:01:58Look, it's J.D.
00:01:59Got a makeover.
00:02:00Look at that.
00:02:02He's the new and improved J.D.
00:02:04Look, he's got the eye shadow looking very on fleek today, right?
00:02:09We're doing things for 2016.
00:02:11Remember 2016?
00:02:12Anyway, go ahead, J.D.
00:02:14Thank you, Mr. President.
00:02:16And America, here's my message to you.
00:02:19You know, I came here to do two things.
00:02:22Kick bubblegum and chew ass.
00:02:26And I'm all out of bubblegum.
00:02:28Well said.
00:02:29Now, J.D., why don't you give us an update on trends and menswear,
00:02:34whatever the hell your job is.
00:02:35By the way, while you're talking,
00:02:37I'm just going to sort of walk around in the background
00:02:40and look out windows.
00:02:43Thank you, Mr. President.
00:02:45You know, actually, I'd like to spend some time today,
00:02:48you know, talking about the new tariffs.
00:02:51And for those people who oppose, you know, our mission in Greenland.
00:02:56Hey, you know what?
00:02:57I see a cardinal and a blue jay in the same tree.
00:03:01Wow, you don't see that a lot.
00:03:03Very interesting.
00:03:03Sir, um, are you okay?
00:03:05No, I'm not.
00:03:05I don't think so.
00:03:06Thank you, J.D.
00:03:08Next up, I'd like to bring in a member of my cabinet
00:03:11who wears many hats in terms of responsibility and hat,
00:03:17Secretary of Homeland Security, Kristi Noem.
00:03:23Thank you, Mr. President, for having me.
00:03:25Before we start, I'd like to give a quick shout-out
00:03:27to my hair and makeup team who absolutely hate me.
00:03:31Now, obviously, there's been clashes on both sides in Minneapolis.
00:03:35And have we been perfect?
00:03:37Yes.
00:03:38And I know a lot of people looking at the situation in Minnesota
00:03:41are wondering the same thing.
00:03:43Can I join ICE?
00:03:45Well, let me ask you this.
00:03:47Is your neck wider than your head?
00:03:50Are you currently wearing a Punisher T-shirt?
00:03:53Have you ever punched a hole in the wall
00:03:56because your son took a dance class?
00:03:58If the answer is yes, then grab a gun, any gun,
00:04:01and saddle up, big boy.
00:04:03And just know you can always count on me
00:04:06because my last name is Noem.
00:04:08As in, do I have the situation under control?
00:04:11No, I don't.
00:04:13Great job, Kristi.
00:04:15Wow.
00:04:17Wow.
00:04:17Wow, folks.
00:04:18Wasn't she here?
00:04:19Well, now that we've heard from my secretary of war on America,
00:04:24let's go ahead and bring out our secretary of war with World.
00:04:28Give it up for Pete Hegseth, everybody.
00:04:36Yeah, all right.
00:04:37Come to track.
00:04:38I say, cut it.
00:04:40What's up, you chodes?
00:04:42What's up, you chodes?
00:04:43What's up, you chodes?
00:04:44What's up, you chodes?
00:04:47Fresh pow pow.
00:04:51Now listen up, in case your ears are too fat to hear the news.
00:04:55We went into Venezuela and, como se dice, we teabagged their country?
00:05:01They're lucky at Manscaped.
00:05:04We went in, straight up stole their president.
00:05:07Yoink.
00:05:09We only had to send in a couple helicopters, all of them blaring, welcome to the jungle.
00:05:13And the Maduro regime was brought down to its shenananananana knees, please.
00:05:21In fact, we've been rocking out with our seas out all over the world.
00:05:25We dunked on Venezuela.
00:05:27Next, we're going to sack tap Iran.
00:05:30I'm going to put the Ayatollah in the cuck chair.
00:05:33I'm going to tell them, if I had told you once, I had told you a thousand times.
00:05:38You don't dare kill your protesters.
00:05:41That's our thing.
00:05:44So just remember, you F with America, we're going to F you right back.
00:05:49Just like it looks like I'm F-ing this kettlebell.
00:05:52You might have seen it in a video, got passed around online in a positive way.
00:06:00Yeah, I'm going to F you like I've never done it before.
00:06:03And I'm going to finish way too fast.
00:06:07Thanks, Seth.
00:06:08That was great, buddy.
00:06:10Even I know you're doing that wrong.
00:06:13Also, midterms are canceled and live from New York, it's Saturday Night Live!
00:06:24It's Saturday Night Live!
00:06:28With...
00:06:29Michael Che!
00:06:36Mikey Day!
00:06:44Andrew Dismute!
00:06:53Chloe Fineman!
00:07:04Marcelo Fernandez
00:07:10James Austin Johnson
00:07:19Colin Jost
00:07:25Sarah Sherman
00:07:31Kenan Thompson
00:07:37Featuring Tommy Brennan
00:07:44Jeremy Colhane
00:07:49Ben Marshall
00:07:56Ashley Padilla
00:07:59Cam Patterson
00:08:03Veronica Slowikowska
00:08:09Jane Wickline
00:08:17Musical guest
00:08:19Asap Rocky
00:08:21And your host
00:08:23Ben Wolfhard
00:08:29Ladies and gentlemen
00:08:31Finn Wolfhard
00:08:32Wolfhard
00:08:49Thank you
00:08:52Thank you
00:08:55Thanks, thank you very much
00:08:56I'm so excited to be here
00:08:58This past year
00:09:00It was very bittersweet for me
00:09:01My show Stranger Things ended
00:09:04And it started, yep
00:09:09It started when I was 12
00:09:11And I gotta tell you
00:09:12It feels so amazing
00:09:13That 400 million people
00:09:15Got to watch me
00:09:16Go through puberty
00:09:19What a dream
00:09:21Somebody on reddit
00:09:22Actually figured out
00:09:23The exact moment
00:09:24It happened
00:09:25And I think we have a clip
00:09:26Are you feeling any better?
00:09:28Don't worry
00:09:29When all this is over
00:09:30You won't have to keep eating
00:09:31Junk food and leftovers
00:09:31Like a dog anymore
00:09:33My mom
00:09:34She's a pretty awesome clip
00:09:37Yeah
00:09:38My voice changed on camera
00:09:40My first kiss was on camera
00:09:42And
00:09:42Can't actually believe
00:09:43That I'm admitting this
00:09:44But
00:09:44The first time I learned
00:09:46What a woman looks like
00:09:47Down there
00:09:47Was on camera as well
00:09:49So we have another clip
00:09:50I think
00:10:00Yeah
00:10:01And look, look, look, look, look
00:10:03I know
00:10:05A lot of people still see me
00:10:06As the kid from Stranger Things
00:10:08Right?
00:10:09But I'm 23 now
00:10:10And I'm proud to officially announce
00:10:13That I am
00:10:13A man
00:10:16Oh, yeah, that's right
00:10:19Things are different now
00:10:22Like
00:10:22For example
00:10:24I have facial hair
00:10:25Can we zoom in on it?
00:10:28Oh, yeah
00:10:31There she is
00:10:33Hey
00:10:33Might only be one hair
00:10:35But
00:10:35Party starts when the first guest arrives
00:10:39And what's a party without some alcohol?
00:10:41Now that I'm a man
00:10:43I'd like to try it now, please
00:10:44Can I get some alcohol and a cup?
00:10:46Yeah, I got you
00:10:47Oh, thank you
00:10:49How about that, man?
00:10:49Thanks, man
00:10:49Of course
00:10:50Hey, I loved your stand-up special, by the way
00:10:52Oh, wow
00:10:53Me too
00:10:55Cheers, buddy
00:10:56Cheers
00:10:56Cheers to you
00:11:02Too spicy
00:11:04I like that you did that to me
00:11:05Just like that in front of all these people
00:11:06I appreciate that, thank you, man
00:11:10So, yeah
00:11:12Meet the new me
00:11:14The man me
00:11:15Stranger Things is over
00:11:17Stranger Things is over
00:11:17And I'm not a kid anymore
00:11:18And neither are we
00:11:20And neither are we
00:11:29We're not child stars
00:11:32We're former child stars
00:11:33And any time you read former child star in a headline
00:11:36It can only mean good things
00:11:38It's true
00:11:39So, uh, thanks to everyone who watched us grow up on the show
00:11:42And then went online and commented about our changing faces and bodies
00:11:46Yep
00:11:47Uh, I just wanted to say
00:11:49Even though we are now men
00:11:51You'll always be my boys
00:11:54Yes
00:11:54So, let's toast
00:11:55Yes
00:11:56Okay
00:11:56To you hosting SNL
00:11:58Yes
00:11:58And to us, trialed stars
00:12:00Who are now ready to do adult films
00:12:04No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
00:12:06no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
00:12:24Uh, what's good? Welcome to Snack Homies, the podcast about snacks with your homies
00:12:34Uh, I'm Brailler, here with Kyler and Jason
00:12:38What's up?
00:12:39And, uh, fresh from being grounded for spending too many Fortnite books in a week, welcome back to Jason
00:12:45What's good?
00:12:50And, uh, we're low-key-
00:12:52We're low-key 12 years old, except Kyler's 13
00:12:56He's unk
00:12:57Unk, bro, chill
00:13:01And, uh, we got guest homie joining us this week
00:13:05My 16-year-old cousin, who is low-key famous on Twitch, Micah
00:13:09It's an honor
00:13:10Nah, chill
00:13:11Now, honor's all mine, fellas
00:13:14Big fan of the pod
00:13:15So, Micah, you're obviously, like, cool as hell
00:13:18Tell us about your stream, bro.
00:13:21Like, you talk about facial structure?
00:13:24Yeah.
00:13:25So I'm like a looks-maxing giga-chad.
00:13:29Basically, I discuss mogging, mandibular growth,
00:13:32and achieving sigma status by breaking my jawbone
00:13:36and pulling high-level talent.
00:13:38That's so sick.
00:13:39So sick, bro.
00:13:40Yeah, sick, yeah.
00:13:42All right, so it's New Year's, fellas.
00:13:44Let's talk our early picks for Goated Snacks of 2026.
00:13:50Taysen, take it away.
00:13:52Okay, yeah, so I'm a big PB&J guy,
00:13:55and this year I'm seeing really big things for Uncrustables.
00:14:00Fuck.
00:14:01Fuck.
00:14:03Yo, you like, you ever put one in the toaster oven, though?
00:14:07So fire?
00:14:08Yeah.
00:14:10Yo, yo, not going to hold you.
00:14:12I'm low-key gooning for a crusty Uncrustable.
00:14:17I don't know, fellas.
00:14:18Maybe if you're car-maxing.
00:14:20I'm not trying to walk around all thick, scaring the huhs.
00:14:23Yo, that'd be crazy.
00:14:27I feel like we low-key put too much focus on looks, like, as a society.
00:14:33Unc's just mad because he's built like the mom from Incredibles.
00:14:38Not going to lie, he low-key thick Unc from the back, though.
00:14:41Like, hear me out.
00:14:44No diddy, no diddy, no diddy, no diddy.
00:14:46No diddy, dawg.
00:14:49Yes!
00:14:50All right, Micah, what about you?
00:14:52Oh, so I'm going to go for, like, a dark horse pick.
00:14:55Great for mandibular symmetry and max mogging.
00:14:59This year, I'm really looking forward to messing with some celery.
00:15:02Ooh, celery.
00:15:04Yo, the crunch, though.
00:15:05I do.
00:15:06Yeah, I do.
00:15:07Yo, celery after soccer practice goes crazy.
00:15:13Okay, okay, dub takes all around, sheesh.
00:15:17Jason, what you got?
00:15:19I'm going to have to go ahead and say deviled eggs.
00:15:22True, true, true.
00:15:24Yeah, bro, deviled eggs are fire.
00:15:26Yeah, they're so raw.
00:15:28Wait, I thought they were cooked.
00:15:32No, bro, they're raw like they're gas, bro.
00:15:35Yeah, but they are cooked, though, right?
00:15:37They're not chopped?
00:15:38Right, but they're chopped, like, once, like, in half, no?
00:15:42I think he means, like, they're fire, like, they're valid.
00:15:45Valid as hell.
00:15:46Yeah.
00:15:47They're so valid.
00:15:49Yo, Unc, what you got?
00:15:51Bet.
00:15:51So, y'all already know I'm a Cheeto fiend low-key,
00:15:55but lately I've been really getting into pirate's booty.
00:15:57Yo!
00:15:59Not Unc eating the booty.
00:16:06It's a white cheddar snack, bro.
00:16:07It's not like that.
00:16:10Unc keeps stumbling into zestiness on some oopsie-poopsie-ish.
00:16:14No, no, no, that's crazy, Unc.
00:16:16Unc is never beating the allegations.
00:16:21Aight, so, we got a special guest this episode.
00:16:29Yo.
00:16:31Thank you, man.
00:16:32I can't believe it.
00:16:33I'm up here with the snack homies.
00:16:35You feel me?
00:16:37Jason, Taysen, Rella, Unc.
00:16:40Man, I've been watching the pod for a minute now.
00:16:42Yo, you got to chill with your zesty ass.
00:16:46Yo, that's crazy.
00:16:48Boy, I just got bodied by A$AP Rocky.
00:16:51That's so tough.
00:16:54Nice to meet you as well, Micah.
00:16:56Pleasure's all mine.
00:16:57I just wanted to say that we are looking at unprecedented levels of Chaddom right here, fellas.
00:17:03Check the profile.
00:17:04Bro doesn't even have to mew.
00:17:08Yo, you weird, bro.
00:17:10But thank you.
00:17:11Appreciate it.
00:17:13I actually had a question, Mr. A$AP, sir.
00:17:15What's up, Taysen?
00:17:16So, what is your goaded snack of 2026, Mr. Pretty Flocko, sir?
00:17:22Actually, I bought them with me.
00:17:24Rat snacks, you dig?
00:17:26Oh, no!
00:17:28Okay, okay, okay.
00:17:31Yo, these are fire!
00:17:33Whoa, wait.
00:17:34You got your own flavor now, A$AP?
00:17:36I sure do.
00:17:37A$AP Fashion Killer Dilla Pickles.
00:17:41Damn.
00:17:42Yeah, that's tough.
00:17:43That's tough as hell.
00:17:44Gotta say, nothing better than a big old pickle, sir.
00:17:47Hey, yo.
00:17:49Nah, yo, chill.
00:17:50That was crazy.
00:17:51That might be the pause of the century, bro.
00:17:54Yo, that's true, A$AP.
00:17:57Alright, cool.
00:17:58That's it.
00:17:59Fire episode, everybody.
00:18:01Yo, yo, add me on Fortnite.
00:18:02Yeah, deuces.
00:18:16Coming soon to HBO, the beloved wizarding world of Harry Potter makes its television debut.
00:18:27Sorry.
00:18:28No, I am.
00:18:31I'm Harry.
00:18:33Ron.
00:18:34With an all-new story, hastily written after the success of a certain other HBO show.
00:18:40He dropped your wand.
00:18:41Oh.
00:18:45It's lovely, by the way.
00:18:47I'd love to see you sometime.
00:18:50I bet you would.
00:18:52It's heated wizardry, because the only thing hotter than hockey is Quidditch.
00:19:04Catch me if you can, Weasley.
00:19:28Weasley.
00:19:28What are you doing under that invisibility cloak?
00:19:31Stretching.
00:19:31Hermione, what's the spell to make something bigger?
00:19:35Also, they're all 18 plus in this Hogwarts is like college now, just to make that clear.
00:19:42Great match up there.
00:19:43Great match up there.
00:19:43That was horrible.
00:19:45I couldn't catch the snitch.
00:19:46You caught something more important.
00:19:49Aspally Muggles.
00:19:52This world.
00:19:56I don't see you.
00:19:59I don't see you.
00:20:03I don't see you.
00:20:05You are.
00:20:08I don't see you.
00:20:10I don't see you.
00:20:11I don't see you.
00:20:15I don't see you.
00:20:17See you at the match against Slytherin.
00:20:20Then you can Slytherin to my bum.
00:20:23Hey, you're not watching it for the writing.
00:20:26Hagrid, there's something we want to tell you.
00:20:31I already know.
00:20:32You're a homo, Harry.
00:20:35How did you know?
00:20:36Oh, honey, please.
00:20:37They should call you Neville.
00:20:39Because you are one long bottom.
00:20:42Hagrid, you old queen.
00:20:44An inspirational tale of showing the world who you truly are.
00:20:49I'm done hiding, Ron.
00:20:51But, Harry, the match.
00:20:53We're playing Slytherin.
00:20:55Let's win.
00:20:57Our way.
00:21:06Well, I think I've seen enough.
00:21:09Ten points.
00:21:10For equality.
00:21:12Heated wizardry.
00:21:14Coming soon.
00:21:17W is a fool on me, Elle.
00:21:30Hunter, come down.
00:21:32Your father will be home from work any minute.
00:21:37Mom, there's something I need to tell you.
00:21:41You know that money you and Dad set aside from my college?
00:21:44I want to use it now.
00:21:46So my band can go on tour.
00:21:48Oh, playing with your little indie band?
00:21:51That's not a future.
00:21:52Mom.
00:21:55I know.
00:21:55I know it's not what you and Dad wanted for me.
00:21:57But I do.
00:21:59Can't you just support me?
00:22:00Of course I support you.
00:22:02But your father won't take it well.
00:22:04He's always hoped you'd follow in his footsteps.
00:22:07I don't want his life, Mom.
00:22:10Oh, God.
00:22:11He's home.
00:22:12It's okay.
00:22:13I'll tell him everything.
00:22:14Just please have my back.
00:22:15Oh, okay.
00:22:19I just had a beast of a day in the studio.
00:22:22We were pitchy.
00:22:24Choreo's a mess.
00:22:26Wait.
00:22:27What's this?
00:22:29Now, Robert, I know how you feel about Hunter's indie band.
00:22:32It's okay, Mom.
00:22:32I got this.
00:22:34Dad.
00:22:36My band set up some bar gigs up the coast,
00:22:38and I want to go with them out on tour.
00:22:43Indie band, huh?
00:22:46No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:22:49You're not going to be in some indie band.
00:22:53Dad, I...
00:22:54Quiet!
00:22:55This is ridiculous.
00:22:57You're going to be a pop star like your old man.
00:22:59End of discussion.
00:23:03Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:23:06Now, go upstairs and change.
00:23:08You look ridiculous.
00:23:09Dad.
00:23:10But nothing.
00:23:11You're going to be a pop star.
00:23:14You're going to chart like I charted.
00:23:16I don't want to chart, Dad.
00:23:18Oh!
00:23:21You don't know what you're saying, son.
00:23:24When we cracked the Billboard Hot 100
00:23:26with heart-shaped rollercoaster,
00:23:28it was the greatest moment of my life.
00:23:31Who cares, Dad?
00:23:32Billboard sucks.
00:23:33Oh, my...
00:23:37Okay, okay.
00:23:38Well, I guess today's the day I hit my son.
00:23:41Oh, my God!
00:23:42Oh, my God!
00:23:43Okay.
00:23:44I'm not like you, Dad.
00:23:46Oh!
00:23:46I want to make art.
00:23:47Oh!
00:23:48Oh!
00:23:48Okay.
00:23:49So, so...
00:23:50So I don't make art.
00:23:51Is that so?
00:23:52Well, then what the hell do you call this?
00:23:55You got my heart going bang, bang, boom
00:23:58and do-do-do
00:23:59I love it floating in the dancing room
00:24:03Pack your things.
00:24:05Pack your things.
00:24:06I want you out of this house, mister.
00:24:07Robert, no!
00:24:08This is my fault, okay?
00:24:09I'm the one who introduced him to the Pixies.
00:24:11Um, Mom, Mom, it's not the Pixies.
00:24:14It's just Pixies.
00:24:15Oh!
00:24:18You see what you're doing?
00:24:20You see what you're doing, Hunter?
00:24:21You're tearing this family apart!
00:24:22Whatever, man.
00:24:23I don't need you.
00:24:24My band is my family.
00:24:27Okay.
00:24:28Those freaks aren't family, okay?
00:24:30Now, true to you, that was a family.
00:24:34Get in here, fellas.
00:24:40True to you, it's in the house
00:24:43Bang, bang, boom
00:24:44And don't let home
00:24:45Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:24:53This is a family, okay?
00:24:55I'm talking about K-Dog
00:24:57The tall one
00:24:59Curtis 5000
00:25:00The one from the future
00:25:01Future, future
00:25:02And Cyber
00:25:04Yeah, I'm the one who's 15 years older
00:25:06than everybody else
00:25:08And Kim
00:25:10Shoot, you look amazing
00:25:13Thank you, Cyber
00:25:14Okay, Dad
00:25:15I just want something more fulfilling
00:25:17out of my life
00:25:18What could be more fulfilling
00:25:20than selling out arenas
00:25:21for the year and a half
00:25:22preceding 9-11?
00:25:24And if I may, Kim
00:25:27You look beautiful tonight
00:25:29Thank you, K-Dog
00:25:30I just want something different
00:25:32I want my music
00:25:34Listen to your son, Robert
00:25:36And Kim
00:25:38Girl
00:25:40It is just out of control tonight
00:25:42For real
00:25:44Thank you
00:25:46So
00:25:48What do you say, Dad?
00:25:50I don't know
00:25:51I can't claim to understand it
00:25:53But
00:25:54You have my blessing
00:25:56Hey, Hunt
00:25:57You ready?
00:25:59Van's all packed, man
00:26:00And Kim, as always
00:26:03Wow
00:26:05Thank you, Paloma
00:26:07I'll be right there, guys
00:26:09But first
00:26:10I gotta do something
00:26:11What is it, son?
00:26:14Sing with my favorite person
00:26:20Love is a heart-shaped rollercoaster
00:26:23It's going bang, bang, boom
00:26:25And do-do-do
00:26:26Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:26:28Oh, yeah, yeah
00:26:35After five incredible seasons
00:26:37Stranger Things said goodbye
00:26:39And though we'll miss our Hawkins heroes
00:26:41Netflix knows that all good things
00:26:43Must come to an end
00:26:45But then we saw how many people watched it
00:26:48And we were like, oh, never mind
00:26:49So Stranger Things is back
00:26:51With sequels, requels, requels
00:26:53And spin-offs
00:26:54Starting with a new series
00:26:56Starring the internet's favorite
00:26:57Hunk-turned-hero, Steve
00:26:58As he takes a new teaching job
00:27:00In inner-city Los Angeles
00:27:01It's Strangerous Minds
00:27:04Good morning
00:27:05My name is Mr. Harrington
00:27:08Bitch, you ain't gonna last one day
00:27:10At this school
00:27:13You think I don't know
00:27:14What it's like to be a teenager?
00:27:16I was 17 for 10 years
00:27:19And wondering what happens to Big Sister Nancy?
00:27:22Watch her journalism career take off
00:27:24As she investigates some of the biggest crimes of the 1990s
00:27:27In The Wheeler Report
00:27:29You're looking at live footage of O.J. Simpson's white bronco
00:27:32Being driven by his friend Al Cowlings
00:27:34Who we're told is on the phone with LAPD now
00:27:37This is AC
00:27:38O.J. is in the car
00:27:39Listen, he just wants to go home
00:27:43I'm beginning to think this juice
00:27:45Might have gone bad
00:27:47Hey, who the f*** are you?
00:27:49The white girl with a mullet
00:27:51Just jumped out of the bronco
00:27:53Plus, wonder what happens to Mike
00:27:55When he leaves Hawkins behind
00:27:56To chase his dreams of becoming a writer?
00:27:58Find out in Michael Patrick King's
00:28:00Mike in Manhattan
00:28:01And just like that
00:28:03I was in a new upside down
00:28:04New York
00:28:05And it doesn't take a hive mind
00:28:07To realize after you've dated an 11
00:28:08Even tens fall short
00:28:12Hey, hey
00:28:13Hey
00:28:15Guys, you made it
00:28:16Wouldn't miss it for the world
00:28:17Wouldn't miss it
00:28:17Let's cut to the chase
00:28:18How are your sex lives?
00:28:20Ugh, well as you know
00:28:21I briefly dated that weird nerdy girl
00:28:23Who helped to save the world
00:28:24And I never talked to her again
00:28:25And ever since
00:28:26My series of bad dates
00:28:27Has been a never-ending story
00:28:29I'm a disaster
00:28:31Well, Max and I start off high and heavy, right?
00:28:33But then
00:28:34A couple years in
00:28:36She just lies there
00:28:37Like she's back in that coma
00:28:39Lucas, you're bad
00:28:41Mike?
00:28:42Hmm?
00:28:43Your nose
00:28:44What?
00:28:45Do you have powers?
00:28:48Oh
00:28:48No, no, no
00:28:49This is from cocaine
00:28:50New York in the 90s, right?
00:28:53And before you get all mad
00:28:54And go
00:28:55How come Will isn't in that?
00:28:56It's because his coming out scene
00:28:58Is still going on
00:29:00Because I am gay
00:29:00Guys
00:29:02I'm gay
00:29:03Meaning the courage to tell you the truth
00:29:06And the truth is
00:29:08I am gay
00:29:09Zing at all of your faces
00:29:12And you should know
00:29:14That I like D
00:29:17And D
00:29:18Dungeons and Dragons
00:29:19Just like you guys
00:29:20Everyone is getting a show
00:29:23We're even retelling
00:29:24The entire original series
00:29:25From an insignificant character's POV
00:29:27In the side series
00:29:29Stranger Things
00:29:30Oops, all Mike's dad
00:29:31Go watch TV
00:29:36Ted, have you seen the kids?
00:29:38They've been gone for four days
00:29:40Nope
00:29:45I like Reagan
00:29:47And hey, remember that
00:29:49Mysterious ninth episode
00:29:50The internet was convinced existed
00:29:52It didn't
00:29:52But it does now
00:29:54And we got almost
00:29:55All the main kids back
00:29:56You want to tell me
00:29:57Why the hell we're in Iceland, Mike?
00:29:58Everything we thought happened
00:30:00Was an illusion
00:30:01That was planted by Vecna
00:30:02He's still out there
00:30:03That's impossible
00:30:04Seriously, Mike
00:30:05Give me one good reason
00:30:06Why we should believe you
00:30:09You want one reason?
00:30:11How about Eleven?
00:30:19Hello
00:30:26Stranger Things on Netflix
00:30:27This is our Star Wars
00:30:42Ladies and gentlemen
00:30:43A$AP Rocky
00:30:58Sometimes I forget what love is
00:31:05Trust me
00:31:06Love me
00:31:08Take me
00:31:10Right there
00:31:11Sometimes I forget what love is
00:31:19Trust me
00:31:20Love me
00:31:22Take me
00:31:23Right there
00:31:25I want to fall in love
00:31:27Don't want no broken heart
00:31:28Don't want to grow apart
00:31:30Baby
00:31:31I thought I fell in love
00:31:40I thought I fell in love
00:31:54You thought he felt it too
00:31:56I told her don't be dumb
00:31:58You just another fool
00:31:59You thought he was the one
00:32:01I guess he's just the two
00:32:03You want the last laugh
00:32:05You want the last laugh
00:32:05Look now
00:32:05Joke's on you
00:32:08I cried alone in my truck
00:32:11Yeah
00:32:12I felt alone in the front
00:32:14I don't know who to trust
00:32:16And I've been going through some stuff
00:32:18Don't trust the ones you love
00:32:19Yeah
00:32:20Your ego's one hell of a drug
00:32:22Yeah
00:32:22True economics
00:32:24Cause nothing's promised
00:32:26You hold the grudge
00:32:27And you treat me like I'm scum
00:32:29Like I'm scum
00:32:30Gotta trust your gut
00:32:31Gotta trust your gut
00:32:32Got the only one to judge
00:32:33Now I can ride it in my truck
00:32:36Yeah
00:32:36Now I see it
00:32:37I want to fall in love
00:32:39Don't want no broken heart
00:32:40Don't want to grow apart
00:32:42Baby
00:32:44I want to fall in love
00:32:46Don't want no broken heart
00:32:47Don't want to grow apart
00:32:51I thought I fell in love
00:32:52I thought she felt it too
00:32:54I thought he was in love
00:32:56She's just another fluke
00:32:58I thought you was the one
00:32:59I guess you're just the two
00:33:01You want the last laugh
00:33:03Look now
00:33:04Joke's on you
00:33:04You thought you fell in love
00:33:06You thought he felt it too
00:33:08I told her don't be dumb
00:33:10You're just another fluke
00:33:11I thought he was the one
00:33:13I guess he's just the two
00:33:15You want the last laugh
00:33:17Look now
00:33:17Joke's on you
00:33:18Sometimes I forget what love is
00:33:25Trust me, love me, take me right back
00:33:52I don't even want to be my wife no more
00:33:54Life goes on, I'm supposed to write my wrongs
00:33:57How many times the wife go wrong
00:33:59Tell me I'm supposed to write my song
00:34:00I don't even like them songs
00:34:02She ain't gonna be my wife no more
00:34:04Got me crying in the microphone
00:34:05Make me shout on the megaphone
00:34:07That boy ain't my wife no more
00:34:09She ain't my wife no more
00:34:11I don't fight in this iron cone club
00:34:18I don't fight in this iron cone club
00:34:20Yeah, I'm just drunk in love
00:34:22Left me with a clock and I
00:34:23Chill like this record, God take me
00:34:26Back, I'm just drunk in love
00:34:28I don't even want to be my wife no more
00:34:31I'm not supposed to write a job, take me back
00:34:54It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che
00:35:04Good evening, everyone
00:35:06Welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Michael Che
00:35:08I'm Colin Jost
00:35:13Well, guys, it's been one year
00:35:15Since we got back together with Trump
00:35:17After taking a break
00:35:18And there are signs that there still may be problems
00:35:21With the relationship
00:35:23I don't know if you remember
00:35:24But Trump promised us America first
00:35:26Yet it's only our one year anniversary
00:35:28And he's already opening our relationship up
00:35:30To other countries
00:35:32This week, Trump declared himself
00:35:34The acting president of Venezuela
00:35:36By next week, he will be the interim Ayatollah of Iran
00:35:40And then on to his ultimate goal
00:35:42Head reindeer of Greenland
00:35:45In fact, a congressman has introduced a bill
00:35:48To make Greenland the 51st state
00:35:50Meanwhile, Puerto Rico is like
00:35:52Wow, okay
00:35:55Officials of Minnesota have sued the Trump administration
00:35:58Claiming that their large-scale ICE actions
00:36:00Are an unconstitutional federal invasion
00:36:03While the Trump administration claims that
00:36:05Yep
00:36:11President Trump defended the actions of ICE agents
00:36:14In Minneapolis, adding that
00:36:15The day of reckoning and retribution is coming
00:36:18Which is a phrase he stole from that guy
00:36:21Who's always pointing at him
00:36:25A federal judge on Friday
00:36:27Ordered ICE agents in Minnesota
00:36:29Not to retaliate against peaceful protesters
00:36:32But if ICE agents listened to judges
00:36:34Then their ex-wives would be getting those checks
00:36:36For child support
00:36:40During a visit to the White House
00:36:42Venezuelan opposition leader
00:36:44Maria Karina Machado
00:36:46Presented Trump with her Nobel Peace Prize
00:36:49What kind of psycho would actually accept
00:36:51Someone else's Nobel Peace Prize?
00:36:53She just won it
00:36:55It's like if someone says
00:36:56Help yourself to anything in the kitchen
00:36:58And you bang his wife
00:37:01Political experts say that Machado
00:37:04Gave Trump her Nobel Peace Prize
00:37:06In the hopes of getting his help
00:37:08To become the next leader of Venezuela
00:37:10And if that bribe actually works
00:37:12I bet Trump's about to get
00:37:13A whole bunch of Grammys
00:37:20After the CEO of ExxonMobil
00:37:23Told President Trump
00:37:24That Venezuela was uninvestable
00:37:25Trump criticized him
00:37:27Saying that the company
00:37:28Was playing too cute
00:37:29Then the Exxon CEO said
00:37:31Oh you think I'm cute
00:37:32And Trump said
00:37:33I do
00:37:34And the Exxon guy said
00:37:35Well is this cute?
00:37:36And he put his hand on his thigh
00:37:38Then Trump said
00:37:39Not as cute as this
00:37:40And kissed him
00:37:41All on season two
00:37:43Of heated rivalry
00:37:47What is your algorithm?
00:37:50In an interview
00:37:51President Trump said
00:37:52That he believed
00:37:53That the civil rights era
00:37:55Led to white people
00:37:56Being quote
00:37:56Very badly treated
00:37:58Yeah
00:37:59Especially in basketball
00:38:05The White House tweeted
00:38:06A graphic of
00:38:07Health and Human Services
00:38:08Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
00:38:10That said
00:38:11We are ending the war
00:38:12On protein
00:38:13Good
00:38:14Because I know
00:38:15A couple fellas
00:38:16Who are extremely
00:38:16Pro-teen
00:38:22During a recent podcast
00:38:24In Paris
00:38:25Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
00:38:27Criticized President Trump's diet
00:38:28Saying I don't know
00:38:29How he is alive
00:38:30Well I do
00:38:32A slight breeze
00:38:42Zoe Saldana
00:38:43Who stars in the new
00:38:44Avatar movie
00:38:45Has surpassed
00:38:46Scarlett Johansson
00:38:47To become the highest
00:38:48Grossing actress
00:38:50Of all time
00:38:51Okay well let's see
00:38:52What happens
00:38:52If you include
00:38:53The box office
00:38:54From Scarlett's
00:38:55Husband's movies
00:38:59They went down?
00:39:02The college football
00:39:04National championship game
00:39:05Kicks off this Monday
00:39:06With Indiana
00:39:07Take it on Miami
00:39:08Here to talk about it
00:39:09Is football legend
00:39:10And Miami's
00:39:11Most enthusiastic fan
00:39:12Michael Irvin
00:39:18That's what I'm talking about
00:39:19Hell yeah
00:39:20What's up Michael?
00:39:20Wait a minute
00:39:21Your name Michael?
00:39:23My name Michael?
00:39:24You know what that means?
00:39:25That we have the same name?
00:39:27Not just the same name
00:39:29We have the same father
00:39:30His scar is split in two
00:39:33Michael Yen
00:39:34Michael Yang
00:39:35Jelly and belly
00:39:37Okay so you're already
00:39:38All ten huh?
00:39:40That's just me Michael
00:39:41My restaurant heart rate
00:39:42Is a perfect score
00:39:4316,000
00:39:45My mama was a hummingbird
00:39:47And my daddy was
00:39:48A brick of cocaine
00:39:50I can tell
00:39:51So you've been
00:39:52On the Miami sidelines
00:39:53All playoffs
00:39:54Despite graduating
00:39:5540 years ago
00:39:56Yep
00:39:57Here's me catching
00:39:58At the game
00:39:58On all fours
00:40:00Here's me screaming
00:40:01And here's me whispering
00:40:04You're in great shape
00:40:06For a 60 year old man
00:40:07I mean what's your secret?
00:40:08It's simple Michael
00:40:09I cut all the bad stuff
00:40:11Fat
00:40:11Sleep
00:40:12Fat
00:40:14Sleep
00:40:16You don't sleep?
00:40:17Nah
00:40:18I've been awake so long
00:40:19Got to say if I fall asleep
00:40:21It'll be for 1,000 years
00:40:23That doesn't sound healthy Michael
00:40:25I am healthy
00:40:26At the top of every day
00:40:27I swallow 14 raw eggs
00:40:29Shell included
00:40:31Then I have a whole horse level
00:40:33Horse included
00:40:35Now I took a gallon of lawnmower gas
00:40:37I'm wild Michael
00:40:39If I blink my eyes too hard
00:40:41These glasses gonna fly
00:40:42Clear across the room
00:40:44So the game is in Miami
00:40:45Do you think Indiana's gonna come
00:40:47In your house and win?
00:40:49Oh please Michael
00:40:49Those Indiana hunker bus can't win
00:40:51That means where you want to be
00:40:53We got all the women in Miami
00:40:55Who I had them all back in my day Michael
00:40:57Okay
00:40:58Asian, Blazian, Caucasian
00:41:00California raisin
00:41:03That's some old tanned up San Diego white
00:41:06Calm down Mr. Irvin, please
00:41:08I gotta get out of here
00:41:09I gotta get to Miami
00:41:11The game isn't until Monday
00:41:12Yeah, but I'm running now
00:41:15I figure if I leave now
00:41:17Up on 95
00:41:17Depending on weather and traffic
00:41:19It should take me about
00:41:20Six and a half hours
00:41:21Wait, you're running to Miami
00:41:23That's right Michael
00:41:24So if you see this
00:41:25Angry 60 year old man
00:41:26Run down Highway 95
00:41:27Well over the speed limit
00:41:29With bugs all over his face
00:41:30And I ask for the police
00:41:31Tranquilizer darts
00:41:32You better get out the way
00:41:33Michael Irvin, everybody
00:41:35Dr. X
00:41:37Dr. X
00:41:38Dr. X
00:41:38Dr. X
00:41:38Dr. X
00:41:38Dr. X
00:41:39Dr. X
00:41:40Dr. X
00:41:43Harry Styles
00:41:46Harry Styles
00:41:47Harry Styles has announced
00:41:49That his new album
00:41:49Will be called
00:41:50Kiss All The Time
00:41:51Disco Occasionally
00:41:53Which was also
00:41:54The original slogan
00:41:55For Molly
00:41:58Skims has partnered
00:41:59With Nike
00:42:00To release
00:42:01Their first ever shoes
00:42:02The Skims shoes
00:42:03Have a reinforced arch
00:42:05Cushioned heel
00:42:06And a camel toe
00:42:12I worked really hard
00:42:13On that one
00:42:15A new study finds
00:42:17That many primate species
00:42:19Including chimpanzees
00:42:20Take part
00:42:21In homosexual activity
00:42:23The study was conducted
00:42:24When one chimp's wife
00:42:25Hired a private investigator
00:42:31A video has gone viral
00:42:32Of a spooked carriage horse
00:42:34In New York City
00:42:34Running directly down
00:42:36Sixth Avenue
00:42:36Into traffic
00:42:37What spooked the horse?
00:42:39Socialism
00:42:42Boom
00:42:43New York City Mayor
00:42:44Zoran Mamdani
00:42:45Unveiled a plan
00:42:46To make New York
00:42:46The first city in the country
00:42:48To provide free child care
00:42:49For all two-year-olds
00:42:51The way Mamdani's plan works
00:42:52Is it's just one
00:42:53Of his free buses
00:42:57A large nurses strike
00:42:59In New York City
00:43:00Began this week
00:43:01And there's no cause
00:43:02I support
00:43:03More than large nurses
00:43:10Mattel
00:43:11Mattel is launching
00:43:13Its first ever Barbie
00:43:14With autism spectrum disorder
00:43:16But keep in mind
00:43:17The Barbie was diagnosed
00:43:18With autism
00:43:19By R.F. Ken Jr.
00:43:23Researchers are saying
00:43:24That there is a possibility
00:43:26That people who frequently
00:43:27Pick their nose
00:43:28Are more likely
00:43:30To develop Alzheimer's
00:43:31Damn
00:43:32How deep are y'all digging?
00:43:36The American Institute
00:43:37Of Architects
00:43:38Has given an outstanding
00:43:39Architectural design award
00:43:41To a public bathroom
00:43:42In Staten Island
00:43:43But like I keep telling everyone
00:43:45It's not a public bathroom
00:43:51A woman went viral
00:43:53On TikTok recently
00:43:54For her confusing
00:43:55New Year's resolution
00:43:57Involving buttons
00:43:58Here to comment
00:43:59Is that woman
00:44:00Tamra
00:44:03How you doing Tamra?
00:44:05Hi
00:44:05It's actually pronounced
00:44:07Tamra
00:44:07That's exactly
00:44:09How I pronounced it
00:44:10Alright
00:44:11Well anyway
00:44:12Tell us about
00:44:12This New Year's resolution
00:44:14Yes
00:44:14So this year
00:44:15I'm getting
00:44:16365 buttons
00:44:18One for each day
00:44:19Because I want to do
00:44:20More fun stuff
00:44:21And I'm getting scared
00:44:22Of time passing
00:44:23And so I want to be
00:44:24More conscious of it
00:44:25Oh that's a nice idea
00:44:27So what's your plan
00:44:27For the buttons?
00:44:30My plan is
00:44:31One button each day
00:44:33Right I get that
00:44:34But what do you
00:44:35Plan to do with them?
00:44:40I'm sorry
00:44:41I don't understand
00:44:41I don't understand
00:44:41The question
00:44:43Like are you planning
00:44:44To wear the buttons?
00:44:45It's just one button
00:44:47Every day
00:44:48It's just 365 buttons
00:44:51Right
00:44:53I guess I was just
00:44:54Confused about
00:44:55If you're going to
00:44:55Put them in a jar
00:44:56Or
00:44:57Hey so it actually
00:44:57Only has to make sense
00:44:58To me for me to do it
00:45:04And I don't feel like
00:45:05Explaining it to anyone else
00:45:07Okay that is why
00:45:09You're here but
00:45:10I don't have to tell you
00:45:11What I'm going to do
00:45:11With the buttons
00:45:12Or where I'm going
00:45:13To put them
00:45:13All I know is I want
00:45:15To have one button
00:45:15Every day
00:45:16So I can think
00:45:17About time more
00:45:20I think people
00:45:20Are just sort of curious
00:45:21Because you brought
00:45:22This idea up
00:45:24Well all the people
00:45:25Can just leave me alone
00:45:27And let me do this
00:45:29I'm sorry Tamara
00:45:30It's actually pronounced
00:45:31Tomorrow as in
00:45:32I'll tell you about
00:45:33The buttons tomorrow
00:45:35You know what
00:45:36It doesn't matter
00:45:37Do you have any
00:45:37Other resolutions?
00:45:38Yes
00:45:39I want to write a book
00:45:41About a man
00:45:42Who has a secret
00:45:43That sounds interesting
00:45:44What's the secret?
00:45:45I don't know
00:45:46The man has a secret
00:45:48Not me
00:45:50Is the secret
00:45:51That he has buttons?
00:45:54Don't be playful
00:45:55I don't have to know
00:45:59About the answers
00:45:59To secrets
00:46:00I was just saying
00:46:01I had an idea
00:46:02You don't know
00:46:02Anything about me
00:46:03You don't have to know
00:46:04Where I'm going
00:46:05To put the buttons
00:46:05It's just one button
00:46:07365 every day
00:46:09One button
00:46:09Each every day
00:46:12Are you running
00:46:12Out of batteries?
00:46:16That's very funny
00:46:19I can see why
00:46:20They made you
00:46:21The anchor
00:46:23Before I go
00:46:24I do have
00:46:25A solution
00:46:25To the crisis
00:46:26In Venezuela
00:46:28Alright fine
00:46:29What is it?
00:46:30I don't know
00:46:31I just have to go there
00:46:32And understand
00:46:33How to want to know
00:46:36Tamara everybody
00:46:37I eat the buttons
00:46:38I eat the buttons
00:46:39So we can know
00:46:40That I might just say
00:46:41I'm still confused
00:46:42Good night
00:46:55You're watching HBO Hulu
00:46:57With your Paramount Plus Pass
00:46:58On Amazon Prime?
00:47:00What?
00:47:00Ugh
00:47:01Now back to the gritty space epic
00:47:03Dark Orbit
00:47:07Emperor Zeb
00:47:08Chancellor Snooks
00:47:09From Cram Nine
00:47:10Requests an audience
00:47:11With his grace
00:47:12Ah
00:47:13Chancellor
00:47:14Have you come to grovel
00:47:15At your emperor's feet?
00:47:17Ha
00:47:17You are no emperor
00:47:19Zeb
00:47:20Yet
00:47:20Here I sit
00:47:21Atop a throne
00:47:22Surrounded by servants
00:47:24A lithe woman
00:47:25To kneel at my side
00:47:27I am blessed
00:47:28To be your floor
00:47:29Girl my lord
00:47:30A muscled fool
00:47:32To fan my brow
00:47:33I would fan you
00:47:34Even in death
00:47:35Emperor
00:47:35And a snack man
00:47:37Shegan
00:47:38Whose only job
00:47:40Is to feed me
00:47:41Delicious delights
00:47:42Yes
00:47:43An endless array
00:47:46Of galactic goodies
00:47:48To swell your belly
00:47:49Indulge sire
00:47:51In these jellied moon balls
00:47:54From foob
00:47:56Yeah
00:47:58Delicious
00:47:59Delicious
00:48:00Delicious
00:48:01Indeed
00:48:05Come on Chancellor
00:48:08Chewy
00:48:08Chewy
00:48:10Does it pain you
00:48:12Does it pain you
00:48:14To be
00:48:14Another one
00:48:15Si
00:48:17Yes
00:48:19I love to watch you
00:48:20Chew
00:48:21And I love you
00:48:23I think I'm good on those
00:48:24Are you sure
00:48:25Si
00:48:25Yes
00:48:26I think I'm now
00:48:27I need to get back
00:48:28To business
00:48:28Yes
00:48:29I am
00:48:30State your business
00:48:31Chancellor
00:48:32I have come to persuade you
00:48:34To lift your blockade
00:48:35On my planet's trade routes
00:48:37Without solar seeds
00:48:39Our soil stars
00:48:40And soon
00:48:41So will my people
00:48:44Ironic
00:48:44Isn't it
00:48:45Your people waste away
00:48:47While my gullet
00:48:48Is stuffed with
00:48:49Shegan's delights
00:48:50Yes
00:48:51Indulge my liege
00:48:53On this split jelly sphere
00:48:55From donk
00:48:56Big bite my liege
00:48:58Yes
00:49:01There's more my liege
00:49:04Big bite also of the skin my liege
00:49:07Yes
00:49:10Are you
00:49:11You don't want more
00:49:17That's very heavy
00:49:20Yes
00:49:21They are double butter
00:49:22Okay yes
00:49:23But let's put a pin in those
00:49:25Yes
00:49:25Thank you
00:49:29My terms
00:49:32Simple
00:49:35I will end the blockade
00:49:37If your planet
00:49:38Becomes a colony
00:49:39Of my empire
00:49:40My planet
00:49:42Will never colonize
00:49:43Eve
00:49:43We are a free
00:49:44People
00:49:46Not
00:49:47For
00:49:48Long
00:49:49Star milk
00:49:51Sir
00:49:53Yes
00:49:53Big zippy
00:49:55Sir
00:49:56Taste that honey
00:49:57Knob in the middle
00:49:58Oh
00:50:01No
00:50:02I don't love that
00:50:04Shegan
00:50:05My apologies sir
00:50:07I will kill myself
00:50:09No
00:50:09No
00:50:10Don't do that
00:50:12I love the delights
00:50:13I love them
00:50:15Just not that delight
00:50:16Yes sire
00:50:18He hates that delight
00:50:20Take that delight
00:50:22Out of the rotation
00:50:27I have authority
00:50:29From the senate
00:50:30To negotiate
00:50:30We offer a quarter share
00:50:33For our exports
00:50:35Huh
00:50:38You all hear that
00:50:43All of me
00:50:45No
00:50:45Shegan
00:50:45Shegan
00:50:46What is that
00:50:48This is the hind leg
00:50:50Of a crag
00:50:51Snouter
00:50:52Sir
00:50:52Shegan
00:50:53Look at how big
00:50:55That thing is
00:50:56I can't eat this
00:50:58All now
00:50:58Understood sire
00:51:01Harder share
00:51:02That is all
00:51:03We are willing to see
00:51:04I do not barter
00:51:06Agree to my terms
00:51:07So I declare you
00:51:08An enemy of the empire
00:51:09And begin sulfur strikes
00:51:11At once
00:51:12You wouldn't dare
00:51:13I would
00:51:14And I will
00:51:15A toxic rain
00:51:17Will fall
00:51:18Over you
00:51:19Time for
00:51:20Some
00:51:20Boo-boo fruit
00:51:21Sir
00:51:22Yes
00:51:23Stick your tongue up
00:51:24Sir
00:51:24You'll miss
00:51:25The honey nut taste
00:51:27Please
00:51:28Oh I love
00:51:29Feeding you
00:51:30Sir
00:51:31Okay
00:51:31Oh gorgeous
00:51:33Stop
00:51:33Stop
00:51:34Stop
00:51:34But the good part's
00:51:35In the middle
00:51:36Sir
00:51:37I'm
00:51:38Sir
00:51:39Too much
00:51:40Too much
00:51:42What is that
00:51:43It's melted
00:51:45Boo-boo fruit
00:51:46Too much
00:51:47Melted
00:51:48Boo-boo fruit
00:51:49But 49 more
00:51:50Flavors await
00:51:51Sir
00:51:51Absolutely not
00:51:53We're suspending
00:51:54The delights
00:51:55Okay
00:51:56I don't know
00:51:58I said suspend
00:51:59I love my delights
00:52:01You know I love them
00:52:03I'm very pro-delight
00:52:05We're just pushing pause
00:52:07Of course your excellency
00:52:09The delights are paused
00:52:11We are holding the delights
00:52:14I ask you one last time
00:52:17Chancellor
00:52:18Will you colonize?
00:52:21I'd rather eat that disgusting beast leg
00:52:25Yes
00:52:28Indulge in these mated nooks and crannies
00:52:31Dude
00:52:32Get that out of my face
00:52:34I'll eat it
00:52:57Dude
00:52:58I love boys day
00:53:00You know what I mean
00:53:00Just kick back
00:53:02Watch the game
00:53:02Talk about boy stuff
00:53:03Yeah
00:53:04So what's new
00:53:05In 2026 fellas
00:53:07Well
00:53:08I bought some sweatpants
00:53:10That you can wear to weddings
00:53:11Oh
00:53:12Nice suit
00:53:13So you can be cozy
00:53:14And respectful
00:53:15I like that
00:53:16This guy gets it
00:53:16This guy gets it
00:53:17Alright guys
00:53:18I know this isn't the usual vibe
00:53:20But I invited my girlfriend
00:53:22I hope that's cool
00:53:24What?
00:53:24No that's not cool
00:53:25It's boys day
00:53:26No no no
00:53:27Trust me dude
00:53:27She gets it
00:53:28She's a total guys girl
00:53:30Oh
00:53:31Must be her now
00:53:34Hey guys
00:53:35Guess what
00:53:36Boom
00:53:39Put your junk away
00:53:40Put your junk away
00:53:41I don't want to see that
00:53:42I don't want to see the junk away
00:53:44Imagine
00:53:46Uh okay what's up
00:53:47I'm Michelle
00:53:48Hey
00:53:49She hurt
00:53:50She hurt
00:53:50I told you guys
00:53:52Yeah alright
00:53:55She's got jokes
00:53:56Um yeah she's got jokes
00:53:58Well welcome to boys day
00:53:59Help yourself with some snacks if you want
00:54:01Well well what have we got here
00:54:03Pizza wings IPAs
00:54:05Or as I like to call it
00:54:06The three food groups
00:54:08Skadoo
00:54:10Megazone
00:54:13She's so twisted
00:54:15Yeah nice to meet you Michelle
00:54:17I'm Santi
00:54:18Oh yeah yeah yeah
00:54:19I've heard about you
00:54:20Certified lover boy
00:54:21Certified pedophile
00:54:22Wah wah wah wah wah
00:54:23I like it
00:54:23Oh great
00:54:25Sorry did you hear that I'm a pedophile
00:54:29Dude dude
00:54:32She's Jake in your chain
00:54:34I'm telling you
00:54:35She's like one of the guys
00:54:37Oh okay yeah
00:54:39Whatever let's just watch football
00:54:41Hope the Texans win
00:54:42Because I got a lot of money on this game
00:54:44Oh wow
00:54:45Your girl is letting you bet again
00:54:47I thought she shut that down dude
00:54:49Uh actually I've been meaning to tell you guys
00:54:53Um Sarah and I recently called off our engagement
00:54:56Oh no dude
00:54:59Dude what happened
00:55:00I don't know
00:55:01I guess we just realized we wanted different things
00:55:05And I
00:55:06Sounds like a bitch
00:55:09Oh I love beer
00:55:13Maybe like don't spill it on my floor
00:55:16Oh yes
00:55:17Oh your precious floor
00:55:18Of course your majesty
00:55:19Oh yes yes yes
00:55:20This guy's obsessed with his floor
00:55:21He marries it
00:55:23He wants to have sex with it
00:55:26Have sex with the floor
00:55:27What are you talking about
00:55:28This was supposed to be a normal boys day
00:55:31Where normal things happen
00:55:33Guys look
00:55:34I'm pregnant
00:55:36Oh sexy guy
00:55:38What
00:55:38Wah wah
00:55:39Baby want milky
00:55:40Oh yes baby
00:55:42Does baby want Zach
00:55:44Or a cootie
00:55:47It really is the sweet life
00:55:49Oh thank you
00:55:50Jesus man I'm gonna throw up
00:55:53Okay well boys
00:55:54I'm feeling some thunder down under
00:55:56Uh and I'm gonna go drop a stank in the tank
00:56:00Okay I'll be
00:56:01I'll beat her
00:56:01I'll beat her
00:56:01I'll beat her
00:56:02I'll beat her
00:56:02I'll beat her
00:56:02I had fun in there imagine
00:56:05She falls in and it's like toilet land
00:56:06Becomes like princess of toilet paper
00:56:07Like what would that even be
00:56:08Could you imagine
00:56:11Chris
00:56:13we've never seen you act this way in your life man I know right she makes me so happy where
00:56:20did
00:56:20you guys even meet that's a funny story uh she she pants me into Starbucks um I guess she liked
00:56:28what you saw and um yeah I think she's the one really cuz like man she's a lot a lot
00:56:36dude she's
00:56:37disgusting disgusting yeah I'm sorry for being a lot you know it's hard being a woman in a room full
00:56:49of men and you know you're being judged for everything you do and everything you say but
00:56:54the truth is is that I really like Chris and I just wanted you guys to to like me too
00:57:01but I guess you
00:57:05know it's a man's world and this is a man's world imagine I start singing it's good
00:57:16immediate record deal like what sometimes I was like
00:57:26once again ASAP Rocky
00:57:29don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't
00:57:50I can see the sky crying when the rain watches gotta close the window when the window's dead
00:57:57I get a hurricane when the end of the snow's dead she grabbed me a river no soul down here
00:58:05right about now I'd do anything just to see your face
00:58:12like anything
00:58:13right now I'd do anything just to see your face like anything
00:58:18Hey, hey
00:58:21You know we ain't got a lot
00:58:24Just like a Bible sign
00:58:25Show me your Bible signs
00:58:27Let me know, let me know
00:58:29Let me know we ain't got a pension
00:58:31We know I'm alive
00:58:33I ain't never been this horrible
00:58:35I don't like another word about now
00:58:38I'll do anything to see your face
00:58:41Hey, hey, hey, hey
00:58:44If it's right now, I'll do anything
00:58:47Just stay on race
00:58:48Like anything, hey, hey
00:58:51Trading all my chains
00:58:54All my hands and names
00:58:55Changing all my ways
00:58:57Come on, praise, baby
00:58:59Just today, just today
00:59:01Right about now, I'll do anything
00:59:03To see your face, hey, hey, hey
00:59:07To see your face, hey, hey
00:59:58Dumb. Temporarily unable or unwilling to speak.
01:00:19T-S.
01:00:31Dumb.
01:00:31Dumb.
01:00:32Dumb.
01:00:32Act like you don't know who run.
01:00:33Run.
01:00:33On the four points of the portion.
01:00:35I check out my sneakers, no checks on my sneakers.
01:00:37Just put my gappy in the Goody Grim
01:00:39Pull up to the church in my hoodie then
01:00:40I'm about to get money what should he get
01:00:42I ride around in an old pink Mercedes
01:00:45Like killer cam
01:00:46My brains lookin' like I could be gym
01:00:47They walkin' around like that could be them
01:00:49Lotta options around and you could be them
01:00:51If we talkin' my pockets you know my fat
01:00:53I'm talkin' your chances they could be thin
01:00:55I was knockin' at the door like let me in
01:00:57Who get more kitty than the...
01:00:58Ain't run a helicopter Spiderman
01:01:00Take my wife T.O. Spin it like a helicopter
01:01:07F with young Pretty Flocker
01:01:09I Petey Pop ya
01:01:11Messin' with that Pretty Flocker
01:01:13I Petey Pop ya
01:01:14Messin' with that Pretty Flocker
01:01:14Take my wife T.O. Spin it like a helicopter
01:01:18Take my wife T.O. Spin it like a helicopter
01:01:22Messin' with young Pretty Flocker
01:01:24I Petey Pop ya
01:01:25Messin' with that Pretty Flocker
01:01:27My Petey Pop ya
01:01:28Grim
01:01:48Next Friday, January 23rd, prepare to witness a first of its kind event.
01:01:52Alex Honnold of the Academy Award-winning film Free Soul will do the impossible.
01:01:58It's been a lifelong dream of mine to climb a skyscraper.
01:02:04So I'm going to be free soloing Taipei 101, one of the tallest buildings in the entire
01:02:11world.
01:02:13No ropes, no gear, just me and the building.
01:02:18Uh, yeah, I'm Reggie, and uh, I'mma do it too.
01:02:28101 stories, 1,667 feet, no harness, no safety net, my whole life has been leading me to
01:02:38this climb.
01:02:40Yeah, no, I never rock climbed before, but thankfully a building ain't no rock.
01:02:47I think I've gotten used to fear over the years.
01:02:52It's an ever-present part of climbing, occasionally things just happen though, no matter how much
01:02:58you prepare.
01:03:00That's what I'm saying, wow, I've never been inside a voiceover before, la la la la la la.
01:03:09And of course, it's an honor to be doing this in the city of Taipei.
01:03:15Yeah, I'm excited too.
01:03:16Um, I've never been with a Taiwanese woman.
01:03:21I'm so proud of my husband for doing this.
01:03:24A lot of people wouldn't because they want to be around for their family, but not him.
01:03:31The emotion I have about this is...proudness.
01:03:36I legit don't think Reggie cares if he lives or dies.
01:03:40Honestly, he's been holding on for a thread now.
01:03:42He's been holding on by a thread for a long time now.
01:03:44When he found out Taco Bell was discontinuing the Baja Blast pie, he stood up and said,
01:03:50there it goes, my last reason not to risk it all.
01:03:54Then the next day he had signed up to climb a building with no ropes.
01:03:58Also, Reggie literally has narcolepsy.
01:04:03Did I win?
01:04:06The stakes are life and death.
01:04:10The biggest obstacle is probably going to be the wind up at the higher levels.
01:04:16Uh, I think the biggest obstacle for me is going to be this.
01:04:23But I'm ready.
01:04:24I've been scouting this building.
01:04:26I've been working training runs every day.
01:04:29And I've got custom-made climbing shoes.
01:04:32Yeah, I think I'm going to make something happen with these sticky hands.
01:04:39I've never met you, sir.
01:04:44Of course, it is always scary.
01:04:47But he's a professional.
01:04:49He's prepared for this.
01:04:52I can't stress how unprepared Reggie is.
01:04:56I've seen this man take an Uber to the bus stop.
01:04:59This man eats so much White Castle, they have his picture on their website.
01:05:06I'm a little nervous, Alex.
01:05:08I know, but it's going to be fine.
01:05:10If anything happens to me, I want you to know that I love you.
01:05:15If something happens to me, please tell Sheila from Facebook dating.
01:05:20I'm not going to make it to the Olive Garden.
01:05:24Fine, yeah.
01:05:25Wait, who is Sheila?
01:05:26Do we have a wife?
01:05:30It will be the biggest free solo climb ever, and there's no telling what will happen.
01:05:38I've got a pretty good sense of what's going to happen.
01:05:41So tune in January 23rd.
01:05:44Wait, did he start already?
01:05:49Pam!
01:05:51Pam!
01:05:53Now, we saw your hockey horn and we raised you a live day.
01:05:57We saw your hockey horn and we got it.
01:06:10Who was that now?
01:06:15So my thanks to A$AP Rocky, Hal Lafroquet, Jaden Matarazos.
01:06:23So who was there?
01:06:25Who was there?
01:06:27This has been, this has been one of the best weeks of my life, and one of the best casts
01:06:33ever, and this is a dream come true, thank you all so much, love you all, thank you.
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