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00:00:03Earlier this week, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth had the brilliant idea to gather all of our
00:00:07nation's top generals in one place at one time. And to throw our enemies off the scent,
00:00:13he told them exactly where and when it would happen. We take you to this meeting now.
00:00:25Welcome, generals. You all have dedicated your lives to defending this nation. And as a reward,
00:00:33you will now be yelled at by a former Fox News host. Please welcome the Secretary of War, Pete Hegseth.
00:00:53Yeah. Cut the track. Now listen up, everyone, okay? I summon all of you here today to address
00:01:03a serious problem, okay? Our military is gay as hell. And I'm not just talking about the Navy.
00:01:15Thanks to failed liberal policies, our army has never been gayer, and yet it's also never been
00:01:23fatter. Make that make sense. Am I right? Y'all are fun. From now on, our fighting men,
00:01:38and I guess women, are going to adhere to the highest male standard, which has been set by our
00:01:46president, Donald J. Trump. Six foot six. Buck 75. A cups. Perky. With a dump truck in the back you
00:01:57wouldn't even believe. And hey, if you're out there, you don't want to lose the weight. You don't want to
00:02:03follow the rules. Hey, no problem. You know who's going to want your sick, twisted, fat ass? Ice.
00:02:11You're going to sign up Sheet for Ice in the hallway. Check them out. Because in here, from now on,
00:02:17we're doing army, and army only. And we will be doing it in one of the bloodiest, war-torn places
00:02:25on the face of the earth. Portland, Oregon. Now back to the fat thing. Our military will now have
00:02:35the same rules as any good frat party. No fat chicks. And if you're a fat dude, goddammit,
00:02:44you better be funny as hell. In summary, this is the whole meeting. No fungos. No fatties. No facial
00:02:57hair. No body hair. Just hot, shredded, hairless men who are definitely not gay. Because this is serious.
00:03:09We are facing the greatest threat to freedom and democracy the world has ever known. And we all
00:03:15know what that threat is. Late night TV. Well, hello. It's great to be here. Yes, it's me,
00:03:25your favorite president. I'm like the late, great Beetlejuice. You say my name zero times,
00:03:31and I appear. I'm just here keeping my eye on SNL, making sure they don't do anything too mean
00:03:38about me. And they better be careful, because I know late night TV like the back of my hand.
00:03:45Not looking great right now. Oh, don't look at that. Gonna cover this up for the rest of my life.
00:03:52SNL 51, off to a rough start. 17 new cast members, and they got the update guy doing the open.
00:04:01Look at Colin, poor Colin. We all know they were never going to let him do the whole opening by
00:04:06himself. Can't even do update by himself. He needs Michael Che. I need my Che.
00:04:13Frankly, I'm surprised Colin's here. I thought he'd be with his friends at the Riyadh Comedy Festival.
00:04:19I didn't get an offer.
00:04:22Well, that's sad. We love the Saudis, because they like to Saudis journalists in air.
00:04:29That's the kind of thing that would kill over there. All right, Colin. Those Spirit Airlines jokes
00:04:34aren't going to write themselves. Bye. Oh, and Colin, may every day be another wonderful secret.
00:04:43That was a quote from a poem I wrote to a horrible man I've never met before.
00:04:48But here we are, SNL's, season 51. Should have called it at 50, right? So sad to see something
00:04:56get old and confused and yet still demand your constant attention. Oh, well. But they better
00:05:03be on their best behavior. Otherwise, they'll have to answer to my attack dog at the FCC, Brandon Carr.
00:05:09I always feel kind. Somebody's working me. Wow. And I have no privacy. I always feel kind. Somebody's working me.
00:05:24It's actually Brendan, sir. Oh. It's crazy you think I care. Bye. You gotta stop.
00:05:32Well, I had a great summer. It took a little vacation time for golf and travel and stroke.
00:05:39Kidding or not. Either way, you'll never know. What else? What else? I ended all the wars,
00:05:46every single one of them, except the two main ones that are still happening and more vicious than ever.
00:05:51And even though the government is shut down, we're starting new war in Venezuela soon.
00:05:56And people will all say, you know, they all say to me, sir, how will you pay for all this?
00:06:00And I tell them with my scams, my beautiful scams.
00:06:06Our new one is Trump Rx, my very own pharmacy.
00:06:10It's like hymns. We've got everything.
00:06:13Hair pills, boner pills, end of list.
00:06:16Okay. I guess I'll let them start the show. I see the crew's all ready to go. By the way,
00:06:21thank you, SNL crew, for your hard work and your votes. You fellas are going to keep an eye on
00:06:26Marcelo for me, right? Okay, good. Fantastic. Well, here we go. And remember, daddy's watching.
00:06:35And live from New York, it's Saturday Night Live.
00:06:43It's Saturday Night Live with Michael Che.
00:06:56Mikey Day.
00:07:03Andrew Dismukes.
00:07:13Quaoui Fineman.
00:07:25Marcelo Fernandez.
00:07:30James Austin Johnson.
00:07:39Cullen Jost.
00:07:45Sarah Sherman.
00:07:51Kenan Thompson.
00:07:58Bowen Yang.
00:08:03Featuring...
00:08:04Tommy Brennan.
00:08:06Tommy Brennan.
00:08:08Jeremy Cohen.
00:08:14Ben Marshall.
00:08:21Ashley Medea.
00:08:24Cam Patterson.
00:08:27Cam Patterson.
00:08:29Veronica Slowikoska.
00:08:34Jane Wickline.
00:08:42Musical guest, Doja Cat.
00:08:47And your host, Bad Bunny.
00:08:54Ladies and gentlemen, Bad Bunny.
00:08:59Phil, his son, Dan.
00:09:28Good to be back.
00:09:30This is my second time hosting, and my fourth time being here.
00:09:37I think Marcelo is getting nervous
00:09:39that Lauren has a new favorite Latino.
00:09:43I am.
00:09:46This time, I'm only hosting because I need a rest.
00:09:50I just finished a 31 show residence in Puerto Rico.
00:09:58And I'm still kind of tired because the show
00:10:02are three hours long, and there's
00:10:05a lot of complicate choreography like this.
00:10:18That looks simple, but that took me a long time to learn.
00:10:23Trust me.
00:10:25Anyways, my residency was beautiful.
00:10:28Everyone loved it.
00:10:29Some celebrities came to my show.
00:10:32Few of them were on drugs.
00:10:37I don't want to say who, but this was Jon Hamm.
00:10:43Who is Jon Hamm?
00:10:45Who is Jon Hamm?
00:10:46Who is Jon Hamm?
00:10:47Who is Jon Hamm?
00:10:49Actually, actually, that wasn't Jon Hamm.
00:11:04I think he's a little obsessed with me.
00:11:08But anyways, you might not know this,
00:11:12but I'm doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
00:11:20And I'm very happy.
00:11:23I'm very happy.
00:11:24And I think everyone is happy about it.
00:11:30Even, even Fox News.
00:11:33Bad Bunny is my favorite musician,
00:11:35and he should be the next president.
00:11:41I mean, wow, thank you.
00:11:43No, no, but really, I'm very excited to be doing the Super Bowl.
00:11:47And I know that people all around the world who love my music
00:11:51are also happy, especialmente, todos los latinos.
00:11:58Todos los latinos y las latinas en el mundo entero.
00:12:02Y aquÃ, en los Estados Unidos,
00:12:04todas las personas que han trabajado para abrir puertas.
00:12:07Más que un logro mÃo.
00:12:11Más, más que un logro mÃo, es un logro de todo,
00:12:15demostrando que nuestra huella y nuestra aportación en este paÃs,
00:12:19nadie nunca la podrá sacar ni borrar.
00:12:26And if you didn't understand what I just said,
00:12:32you have four months to learn.
00:12:36We have a great show for you tonight.
00:12:39Goya Cat is here.
00:12:41So, speak along, we'll be right back.
00:13:02This is Jeopardy!
00:13:07Welcome back to Jeopardy!
00:13:08Before the break, we had our first round.
00:13:10And currently in first place, with $9,800, we've got Lucas.
00:13:14Uh, it's pronounced luck-ass.
00:13:17Great!
00:13:18And in second place, with $8,200, we've got Cynthia.
00:13:22Go, Cynthia!
00:13:25And in last place, by a mile, it's Duke.
00:13:30Hey, man, I'm just happy to be playing a game.
00:13:33All right, that's the spirit.
00:13:35Now, I know you had a little trouble in the last round, Duke,
00:13:38but we're ready to turn things around, right?
00:13:40We sure are.
00:13:41That's what I like to hear.
00:13:43Well, since you're in the lead, luck-ass, the board is yours.
00:13:46Okay, uh, famous bins for $400, please.
00:13:50Poor Richard's Almanac was published
00:13:52by this revolutionary renaissance man.
00:13:55Duke.
00:13:57Benjamin Franklin.
00:14:00Luck-ass.
00:14:01Uh, who is Benjamin Franklin?
00:14:04That's correct!
00:14:05Now, Duke, do we understand where we went wrong?
00:14:09No.
00:14:11Well, Duke, as you did for the entirety of the first round,
00:14:14you did not phrase the answer in the form of a question.
00:14:17I'm sorry, I-I just got too excited.
00:14:21It's okay.
00:14:22Luck-ass, the board is yours.
00:14:24Okay, uh, female authors for $400, please.
00:14:27It's the first name shared by authors
00:14:29Dulensky, Tuchman, and Kingsolver.
00:14:32Duke.
00:14:33Barbara.
00:14:35No!
00:14:36Duke.
00:14:37Make it a question, man.
00:14:38Uh.
00:14:39Barbara.
00:14:41I-I'm a riot?
00:14:44Cynthia.
00:14:45What is Barbara?
00:14:48I'll take pop royalty for $400.
00:14:52He was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota in 1958.
00:14:56Duke.
00:14:58Who is that?
00:15:01See, that is a question, but, uh, you also need to say who it is, bud.
00:15:06It's-it's Prince.
00:15:08Okay, we're getting close.
00:15:10You said, who is that, and you said Prince,
00:15:12so just push those together and you get...
00:15:16Daddy's Prince.
00:15:19Absolutely unbelievable.
00:15:21Cynthia.
00:15:22Who is Prince?
00:15:24Give me pop royalty for $800.
00:15:28Who, who, who, who, shout the Baja men in this famous song that was a doggone hit?
00:15:34Okay, Duke, my man.
00:15:36I'm begging you to make this one a question.
00:15:39Right.
00:15:39Um.
00:15:42Um.
00:15:43What is who...
00:15:46Who is who that let...
00:15:51Really needs your final answer.
00:15:54I got it.
00:15:55I got it.
00:15:55Perhaps the dog Walker did.
00:16:01How did we get there?
00:16:03Luck asks.
00:16:04Uh, what is who let the dogs out?
00:16:08And I think I can follow Duke's logic, uh, since the answer was already a question.
00:16:13He answered that question in the form of an answer.
00:16:16Who let the dogs out?
00:16:18Perhaps the dog Walker did.
00:16:24Astonishing.
00:16:25Was that your thought process, Duke?
00:16:27Not even close.
00:16:30Okay.
00:16:31Duke, I'm gonna throw you a bone.
00:16:33Just go ahead and give you known as for $400, which is...
00:16:37Our daily double!
00:16:39Duke, how much do you want to wager?
00:16:42A million dollars.
00:16:44Sure.
00:16:45Why the hell not?
00:16:46And the clue is...
00:16:49Formed in 1964 London, this band was formerly known as the Detours.
00:16:56Uh...
00:16:56Um...
00:16:57I'm...
00:16:58I'm sorry.
00:16:59I just...
00:17:00I just don't understand this game.
00:17:03Who is the what?
00:17:05What is the who?
00:17:11Yes!
00:17:12What is the who?
00:17:13Oh, my God!
00:17:14Duke, you won!
00:17:15Oh, no!
00:17:16And that means...
00:17:18That means we'll be seeing you back here next week!
00:17:22Oh, no!
00:17:23I just don't...
00:17:24I just don't...
00:17:28OpenAI designed ChatGPT to feel like you're talking to the most helpful friend in the world.
00:17:33Hey, ChatGPT.
00:17:34What kind of animal is a platypus?
00:17:36Wow!
00:17:37Great question.
00:17:38I love it when you ask me questions about animals.
00:17:40I love animals.
00:17:41They're so interesting.
00:17:42But let's face it.
00:17:44Sometimes it can be a little too friendly and helpful.
00:17:47Some users want a more authentic experience.
00:17:50More direct.
00:17:51More opinionated.
00:17:52More real.
00:17:53That's why we're proud to introduce ChatGPT-O.
00:17:58The first AI that feels like talking to a Latino uncle.
00:18:01What do you want?
00:18:02Because nobody keeps it more real than them.
00:18:05Hey, ChatGPT-O, what are signs that my dog might be depressed?
00:18:08Who cares?
00:18:09It's a dog, man!
00:18:11The knowledge, know-how, and unfiltered opinions of a middle-aged Latino uncle at your fingertips.
00:18:18What's a good anniversary gift for my wife?
00:18:21What's she look like?
00:18:22Let me see a pic.
00:18:23Okay.
00:18:24Oh!
00:18:31Who's that?
00:18:39Is there a problem with my wife?
00:18:41Actually, I don't pick English anymore.
00:18:44I don't pick English.
00:18:45ChatGPT-O is also 40% louder than the nearest competitor.
00:18:49ChatGPT-O.
00:18:51How do I make vegan-
00:18:52Oh!
00:18:55What?
00:18:55How do I make vegan banana bread?
00:18:57You don't!
00:18:58Oh, no.
00:18:59I am directed to your dominoes.
00:19:01You can ask ChatGPT-O anything.
00:19:04From what to wear.
00:19:05You see, this is a nice type of shirt.
00:19:07You know, very slick, very businessman.
00:19:10You know what I mean?
00:19:11Or cut with designing a company logo.
00:19:15Okay!
00:19:16Boom!
00:19:17Even questions regular ChatGPT is forbidden from answering.
00:19:21Was Jesus really God?
00:19:23Yes.
00:19:24ChatGPT-O is so much like a real Latino uncle that some answers may contain sexually explicit language.
00:19:30I'm on a first date.
00:19:31Do you have any good icebreakers?
00:19:33I don't know.
00:19:34But if you get her home, try this.
00:19:37You get a whole cough drop.
00:19:39And then when you go downtown on her, you go like this.
00:19:44Okay, maybe.
00:19:46Only after.
00:19:47That means you like it.
00:19:48And it also might need your help from time to time.
00:19:52Hello?
00:19:56Who sing that song?
00:19:58Somebody has told me the world is so crazy.
00:20:03Smash mouth?
00:20:08So download ChatGPT-O today.
00:20:11So beautiful.
00:20:13What's your name, mi amor?
00:20:15Lauren?
00:20:16Oh!
00:20:17Did you just make my phone take a picture of me?
00:20:19A picture?
00:20:20No.
00:20:20I don't think so.
00:20:22Oh, my God!
00:20:24Call your abuela!
00:20:25She's missing you, and she had nothing to do.
00:20:33All right, and would you guys like still sparkling or tap?
00:20:36I think tap is fine.
00:20:37I heard sparkly.
00:20:38So, Matt, you're probably wondering why we invited you to dinner tonight.
00:20:44Yeah, I guess I was curious.
00:20:46Well, Katie and I actually had something kind of important we wanted to ask you.
00:20:50Obviously, you know we've been together for a while, and recently we started thinking about having a baby.
00:20:58Yeah, you're one of our best friends, and we both love you, and we were wondering if you'd be our
00:21:03donor.
00:21:05Oh, wow, I wasn't expecting that.
00:21:07Sorry, I hope you don't feel like we're ambushing you.
00:21:10No, no, not at all.
00:21:11I'm honored.
00:21:11It's just, uh, it's a really big decision.
00:21:13Is it okay if I just kind of think it over?
00:21:15Of course.
00:21:16Please, take your time.
00:21:21Uh, I will do it.
00:21:25I'm sorry?
00:21:26I said I will do it if he doesn't want to do that or he forget how to get it
00:21:33out.
00:21:34I know how to get it out, thank you.
00:21:37Okay, look, man, we don't know you.
00:21:39Well, my name is Elviro Gutierrez, and one fun fact about me is that I think the Sopranos ending was
00:21:51perfect.
00:21:53Okay, well, it's nice to meet you, Elviro, but this is a private conversation.
00:21:57My mistake.
00:21:59Just trying to help.
00:22:01Great.
00:22:02Um, anyways, Matt, we really think you'd be the perfect donor for us, but seriously, there's no pressure.
00:22:08Would you guys mind if I stepped out and called Jen?
00:22:11I just think, you know, a big decision like this, my fiancé should weigh in.
00:22:15Of course.
00:22:16Whatever you need.
00:22:17Thanks, guys.
00:22:18You know, if Matt says no, we can always go back to the clinic.
00:22:22It's just so expensive.
00:22:24Yeah.
00:22:25Psst.
00:22:27I could just give you sss.
00:22:34I said I could just give you some of my stuff.
00:22:39What?
00:22:40Yeah, and then you do whatever you want with it.
00:22:42You can put in the front, you can put in the back.
00:22:45It's up to you.
00:22:48Yeah, we're okay.
00:22:50We don't know you.
00:22:51We don't need your random sperm.
00:22:54I'll take it.
00:22:57What?
00:22:58I said I'll take it.
00:23:00If you're just giving it away, as the saying goes, when God opens a window, you take the sperm.
00:23:07No.
00:23:08No.
00:23:09I want to be a father.
00:23:12So, who will carry my baby?
00:23:15I hope not this one.
00:23:18What?
00:23:19No one is carrying your baby.
00:23:22Oh, hey, guys.
00:23:23I'm sorry that call took so long, but, uh, Jen and I discussed it, and my answer is yes.
00:23:28I would love to be your donor.
00:23:30Oh, my God, really?
00:23:31Wait, Matt, that's amazing.
00:23:32Matt.
00:23:34We could mix it together.
00:23:37His stuff, my stuff.
00:23:40Maybe my stuff as well?
00:23:42You know what?
00:23:43Maybe we should get out of here and celebrate.
00:23:45Yeah, absolutely.
00:23:46Definitely.
00:23:49Guess I'll never get to father a child.
00:23:52I'm afraid some people are just meant to walk the earth alone.
00:24:01God?
00:24:05God.
00:24:23God, when is the last time all four of us, like, actually hung out?
00:24:28Like, five years ago, at least.
00:24:31Yeah, why is it so hard to find time to see friends
00:24:34or, like, experience any culture?
00:24:37I know.
00:24:38I'm dying to see the new Paul Thomas Anderson movie,
00:24:41One Battle After Another.
00:24:42It is so good.
00:24:43You have to see it.
00:24:45Okay, and then Guillermo del Toro has Frankenstein.
00:24:48I mean, so many good movies.
00:24:50Yeah, I like K-pop demon hunters.
00:24:56Oh, yeah, that's supposed to be really fun.
00:24:58Yeah, have you been watching it a bunch with your kids?
00:25:02I don't have kids.
00:25:04Oh, okay.
00:25:06That's cool.
00:25:07Um, yeah, it's a huge phenomenon.
00:25:09Like, every kid I know is dressing up
00:25:11like the demon hunters for Halloween.
00:25:13It's actually not for a kid.
00:25:16It's for smart adults.
00:25:19Great.
00:25:20Well, we can just change the subject.
00:25:22Hey, did you guys see any concerts this summer?
00:25:25Okay, I saw Lady Gaga,
00:25:26and it was honestly life-changing.
00:25:28You know what music I like?
00:25:31K-pop demon hunters.
00:25:33Okay.
00:25:34You like the songs, too?
00:25:36That's cool, Thomas.
00:25:38Actually, it's not cool, dog.
00:25:41In K-pop demon hunters,
00:25:44songs are not just songs.
00:25:46They are weapons.
00:25:48Weapons?
00:25:50Uh, duh.
00:25:52Who?
00:25:53What else is gonna save you from demons,
00:25:56you idiot?
00:25:57Whoa.
00:25:58Thomas!
00:25:59We understand you're really into the world
00:26:02of K-pop demon hunters.
00:26:04There's no reason to get upset over a movie.
00:26:09You silly, stupid man.
00:26:13You think it's just a movie?
00:26:17It say at the beginning,
00:26:19based on a true story.
00:26:21I don't think it does.
00:26:24Okay.
00:26:24Guys, can we just stop talking about K-pop demon hunters?
00:26:28Fine.
00:26:29Forget that I'm even here.
00:26:31All right, Thomas.
00:26:34Okay.
00:26:35So, Cheryl,
00:26:36how have you been in general?
00:26:38Well,
00:26:38not great, actually.
00:26:41Those dumb idiots
00:26:42have no idea.
00:26:44Stupid dummies.
00:26:45I don't care if they believe me.
00:26:47I have hunt-ticks on my side.
00:26:51We're going up, up, up the salamone
00:26:55You're together, we're going
00:26:57Gonna be, gonna be golden
00:27:01Thomas?
00:27:04Thomas, were you just, like,
00:27:05vibing out in your head
00:27:07to that song, Golden?
00:27:08Yeah, because Cheryl just told us
00:27:10some huge news
00:27:11and you completely ignored her.
00:27:13Yeah, like I was saying,
00:27:15I'm on the Epstein list.
00:27:18Yeah, because I was on a jet flu flight
00:27:21that had a connection on his island.
00:27:23Zooming!
00:27:24Wow.
00:27:26Sounds like the work of a demon.
00:27:31If only there were
00:27:33three gorgeous Korean girls
00:27:37who could protect you.
00:27:39Idiot.
00:27:41Thomas.
00:27:43All right.
00:27:45Deborah, how's work been?
00:27:47Well, not great.
00:27:48Stupid losers.
00:27:50They don't deserve hunt-tricks.
00:27:53They don't even know about
00:27:54the power of the hum-moon.
00:27:57The magical shield
00:27:58that protect us
00:27:59from the evil we ma.
00:28:03Kills, nails, play, Sarah.
00:28:07Fin, check, boomer, napalm, never.
00:28:11Caw-caw!
00:28:12Caw-caw!
00:28:14I promise.
00:28:18Thomas, Deborah just told us
00:28:20that her work has been
00:28:21really hard right now.
00:28:22Yeah, I wrote
00:28:24the Sidney Sweeney
00:28:25American Eagle jeans ad.
00:28:31Oh, God, no!
00:28:33Okay, thank you
00:28:34for actually listening.
00:28:36I'm not talking about that.
00:28:37I'm talking about him.
00:28:39It's the demon gene.
00:28:43Yes, it is I,
00:28:45Jinu, leader of the Saja Boys.
00:28:47Now give me your soul
00:28:48so I can feed them
00:28:49to Kimah.
00:28:50Prepare to die!
00:28:52Oh, my God,
00:28:53does he have a gun?
00:28:54Even worse,
00:28:55I have a voice.
00:28:58You're the one that I feed them
00:29:00every time I feed them.
00:29:02You're my son of a
00:29:03my little son of a
00:29:06Well, clearly,
00:29:11that didn't do anything.
00:29:13No!
00:29:15Oh, no!
00:29:18Oh, no!
00:29:19Oh, no!
00:29:20Oh, no!
00:29:21Oh, no!
00:29:21Oh, no!
00:29:22Oh, no!
00:29:22Oh, no!
00:29:22We're sorry we ever
00:29:23doubted you, Thomas!
00:29:24Just please,
00:29:25do something to help us!
00:29:27I cannot help you, idiots!
00:29:30But they can!
00:29:37We're going up
00:29:38up
00:29:39up
00:29:39this hour
00:29:40moment
00:29:40You together
00:29:41we're glory
00:29:42Gonna be, gonna be golden
00:29:44Oh, oh, oh
00:29:46Up, up
00:29:47up
00:29:47without our voices
00:29:48You're going to get
00:29:49this woman
00:29:50Gonna be, gonna be golden
00:29:54Take that, please
00:29:55My
00:29:57We're going up
00:29:59at this
00:30:00I don't know
00:30:01Anything can happen
00:30:02at brunch
00:30:03Gonna be, gonna be golden
00:30:05Oh, oh, oh
00:30:07up, up, up, up
00:30:14Ladies and gentlemen,
00:30:16Doja Cat
00:30:38He's a
00:30:39though
00:30:39Earth
00:30:42He's a
00:30:43bird to the
00:30:46An impossible thing
00:30:48Would you take every word
00:30:54And put it all in one minute
00:31:00Amen
00:31:03Amen
00:31:08Amen
00:31:22Amen
00:31:39Amen
00:32:09Amen
00:32:10An impossible thing
00:32:14Would you take every breath
00:32:19Just away with your stupid chains
00:32:24Need a sunk out rage
00:32:26Will you look my way
00:32:28I feel shame
00:32:30Cause you're such a pain
00:32:32From my DNA
00:32:34Want your
00:32:35He got the time
00:32:37One down
00:32:37Yes but do he assume
00:32:38It's a CBO
00:32:39Passed to the NBA
00:32:40For real oh
00:32:41Can he peck a sniff like Willow
00:32:43Ten toes down
00:32:44Is a duvet
00:32:44Pillow
00:32:45Two faced
00:32:46You say you get zero
00:32:47You act right
00:32:48You'll get a move
00:32:49A him or two
00:32:49Chains dinner
00:32:50And a spooch down
00:32:51Miller
00:32:51And all new bands
00:32:52Yelling
00:32:53Men need a crime
00:32:54More boys need a work
00:32:55But not when he peck
00:32:56His employee to flirt
00:32:57Ain't nobody from the boss
00:32:59Need a twerk
00:32:59When you finish
00:33:00When you're goon says
00:33:01Join me in church
00:33:02One foot away from a six-foot hole
00:33:04And that rave smug beard and my point of concern
00:33:06If we get higher, we all need a show
00:33:08They're enjoying a few, let a girl get a turn
00:33:10I have too much tolerance
00:33:12Too ugly and funny
00:33:14And if I had more common sense
00:33:16Then I would grab my right and live in my head
00:33:19Then I would grab my right and live in my head
00:33:25Put it all in one hand
00:33:52It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che
00:34:07Thank you, thank you very much
00:34:09Good evening everyone
00:34:10Welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Michael Che
00:34:12I'm Colin Jost
00:34:15Well this week the government
00:34:17Finally represented the people
00:34:19When it just completely shut down
00:34:22Honestly, didn't it feel like
00:34:23The government kind of needed a break?
00:34:25Just so we could all catch our breath
00:34:27Can you believe we're only nine months
00:34:29Into this presidency?
00:34:31That means we still have three months
00:34:33And seven years remaining
00:34:36I already tried fighting, I'm tired
00:34:38I went to so many protests this summer
00:34:40But honestly, it was worth it
00:34:42Because we finally got them to change the Cracker Barrel logo
00:34:45Back to the original
00:34:47Featuring my actual grandpa
00:34:50And I know it's scary for a lot of people right now
00:34:52But I'm trying to stay positive
00:34:54And I'm trying to remember the words of a great man
00:34:57Nothing bad can happen, it can only good happen
00:35:02The last time the U.S. government shut down
00:35:04Was during President Trump's first administration in 2018
00:35:08Which was so long ago, we looked like this
00:35:14President Trump claimed that one of the reasons the government shut down
00:35:18Is because Democrats want transgender for everybody
00:35:21Which is obviously not true
00:35:24But at the same time, I wouldn't say no to my own set of these
00:35:30I don't gotta wear them
00:35:34Israel and Hamas have tentatively agreed to President Trump's plan to end the war in Gaza
00:35:40And you could tell Trump wrote the plan himself
00:35:46A Trump advisor said ICE agents will attend the Super Bowl
00:35:50After Bad Bunny was announced as the halftime performer
00:35:53You know, to catch all those farm workers who can afford Super Bowl tickets
00:35:58The FDA quietly approved the generic abortion pill
00:36:02Just before the shutdown
00:36:03And I don't have a joke, but whenever I mention a product on the air
00:36:07They send me a box for free, so
00:36:12Hey
00:36:18President Trump also spoke to a group of military leaders this week
00:36:21And at one point, he went on a long rant
00:36:23About how good Barack Obama was at walking down stairs
00:36:27Here's what he said
00:36:28I'm not gonna read it
00:36:29Because it's a crazy thing to hear from a president
00:36:32But it's actually kind of fun from anyone else
00:36:35Let me show you what I mean in our new segment
00:36:37President Trump would make a lot more sense
00:36:39If he sounded like Jennifer Coolidge
00:36:43Be cool
00:36:45Be cool when you walk down, but don't
00:36:47Don't pop down the stairs
00:36:49So one thing with Obama
00:36:51I had zero respect for him as a president
00:36:53But he would bop down those stairs
00:36:56Da da da da da da bop bop
00:36:58This has been President Trump would make a lot more sense
00:37:00If he sounded like Jennifer Coolidge
00:37:05Sean Combs was sentenced on Friday to four years in prison
00:37:09And I'll be honest, it's hard for me to enjoy watching someone I love get punished
00:37:13But that's what Diddy would do
00:37:22During Sean Combs' sentencing, he pleaded for mercy
00:37:26Saying that the things he did were disgusting, shameful, and sick
00:37:29In fact, just thinking about it makes him harder than Grandma's candy
00:37:36He showed the candy
00:37:38That's hard candy, though
00:37:39Yeah, it's hard candy
00:37:40It was reported that Elon Musk has become the first person to be worth more than $500 billion
00:37:46Wow, shout out to Tylenol
00:37:53New York Mayor... New York Mayor Eric Adams has ended his re-election bid
00:37:59Citing an official reason...
00:38:01Citing an official reason of too much swagger for y'all
00:38:08Kamala Harris has released a new book that explains how she lost the 2024 election
00:38:13It's called, I'm a Black Lady
00:38:20Yeah, I'm still thinking about you with those boobs
00:38:22Hey
00:38:22Yesterday...
00:38:24Yesterday marked 30 years to the day of O.J. Simpson's acquittal
00:38:28Well, I'm proud to say, ladies and gentlemen, we've evened the score
00:38:32Diddy was evicted
00:38:35And sentenced to four years in prison
00:38:37Here to talk about it is new SNL cast member Cam Patterson
00:38:47What's up, Kyle?
00:38:48What's up, Cam?
00:38:49Hey, listen, man, I think Diddy is weird
00:38:51But I actually have something more pressing to talk about
00:38:53Let's get down to business
00:38:55But I've been here for like, 45 minutes now
00:38:57When are y'all gonna let me say the N-word?
00:39:01You want to say the N-word?
00:39:03You mean the word I say in my act 150 times before my second joke?
00:39:07Yes
00:39:09When are y'all gonna let me loose?
00:39:10I feel like I'm shackled to this desk, man
00:39:12Don't put it like that
00:39:14I mean, you just, you can't say the N-word on this show, you get fined
00:39:18That's fine, I'll pay it
00:39:19Well, it's like half a million dollars
00:39:21That's fine, you'll pay it
00:39:24I'm not paying half a million dollars
00:39:26Colin, I'm a stand-up comedian from Florida
00:39:28Saying that word is what I do
00:39:30Come on, bro, this is exactly what Jimmy Kimmel fought for
00:39:36No, that's not what Jimmy Kimmel fought for
00:39:38Like, it's just not something we really do here
00:39:40Oh, really?
00:39:41Because I've done my research
00:39:42And I'm gonna tell you something
00:39:43It's been said a few times on this show
00:39:45Roll the clip
00:39:48No, no, no, we don't have to roll the clip
00:39:50You know, that was a long time ago
00:39:51But, but taste that in 2016
00:39:54Yeah, but I'm grown
00:39:58Cam, I just, I just think you bring more to the table than just that
00:40:01Come on
00:40:01The people on internet would disagree
00:40:04You should have, you should have seen the stuff they wrote about me online
00:40:07Which I did read because I read well and I'm reading right now
00:40:12I mean, your cards are blank
00:40:15Mine's no business, Colin
00:40:17Look, I'm just excited to be here and collect something
00:40:19This is something people may have about me
00:40:21I actually have a lot of characters I'm excited to play
00:40:23Really? A lot of characters? Like what?
00:40:25Oh, let's see
00:40:27The guy that played Kramer
00:40:32Paula Deen
00:40:33Okay
00:40:34And, and the ghost of Hulk Hogan
00:40:36Hulk Hogan
00:40:37Boom, brother
00:40:38Except I would say
00:40:39You know what you said
00:40:41Yeah, we got you
00:40:42Yeah, we got you
00:40:43Listen Cam, we really, we want you to express yourself here
00:40:45But let's maybe not say it tonight, okay?
00:40:48That's cool
00:40:48That's fine
00:40:49Yeah
00:40:49I'll hold off for now
00:40:51But it's like Jurassic Park
00:40:53You can pull the fizzes up if you want
00:40:55But the dinosaurs still gonna get out
00:40:58Cam Patterson, everyone
00:41:07New York mayoral candidate Zoran Mamdani ran an ad
00:41:12Well, he ran an ad during an episode of Golden Bachelor in which he said, New York, will you accept
00:41:20this rose?
00:41:20Not to be outdone, Andrew Cuomo ran an ad in which he said, Honka Honka
00:41:25It was, it was reported that major talent agencies in Hollywood are interested in signing a new AI generated actress
00:41:37named Tilly Norwood
00:41:38The AI generated actress got her start after she had a hotel meeting with AI Harvey Weinstein
00:41:49Okay
00:41:50A new report of American school districts finds that the most banned book in America is A Clockwork Orange
00:41:57In close second, Michael Che's guide to drawing Muhammad
00:42:02Get him!
00:42:05Whoa!
00:42:08It was announced that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are separating after 19 years of marriage
00:42:13I am saddened and shocked that a guy named Keith Urban isn't black
00:42:20Chimpanzee researcher Jane Goodall has died at the age of 91
00:42:24The family requests that in lieu of sending flowers, please throw feces
00:42:33Yeah
00:42:36The largest zoo in Long Island announced that it is closing after being accused of animal abuse
00:42:42But isn't all of Long Island really just a zoo for abused animals?
00:42:50Thank you, one clap
00:42:53That's an applause break
00:42:55That is not an applause break
00:42:56It just, it only takes one
00:42:57This week
00:42:59This week Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling called Emma Watson ignorant and out of touch after she refused to
00:43:06defend Rowling's controversial stance on trans rights
00:43:09Here to comment is Dobby the house elf
00:43:17Hello, sir, Dobby the house elf at your service
00:43:20Oh, Dobby, are you okay? You don't have to be scared
00:43:22Scared? Why would Dobby be scared, sir? Dobby's just about to publicly weigh in on trans people, that's all
00:43:31I mean, do you really have to?
00:43:33Oh, yes, sir
00:43:33Master sent Dobby to go on the telly and define once and for all what a woman is, sir
00:43:41All right, first of all, I do not love master
00:43:44And I really don't
00:43:45And is your master J.K. Rowling?
00:43:47Why, of course, sir
00:43:48Oh, oh no, Dobby wasn't supposed to say
00:43:51Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!
00:43:55Don't do that, man, you hurt yourself
00:43:57Sorry, sir, but Dobby had to self punish
00:43:59You see, master Rowling has done so
00:44:02Oh, Dobby's come undone
00:44:07You see, master Rowling has done so
00:44:10Dobby!
00:44:10I'm sorry
00:44:13My fatigues are not well made
00:44:16Well, you see, master Rowling has done so much for Dobby and for inclusion in general
00:44:21Remember when Dumbledore was gay after the books came out?
00:44:25And when Hermione was black only on Broadway?
00:44:29And when Cho Chang was, hmm, was Cho Chang Asian?
00:44:35Dobby can't remember if the character named Cho Chang was Asian or not
00:44:40All right, Dobby, we get it, we get it
00:44:42The point is, Dobby came here to say that women have vaginas
00:44:45And women's bathrooms are for women only
00:44:49And girls, and ghost of girls
00:44:52See, I don't even get that because I never read them corny-ass books
00:44:57Of course, sir, Dobby never meant to imply that Mr. Che was uncool
00:45:03It's fine, Dobby, don't hurt yourself
00:45:05Mr. Che is very cool
00:45:06He goes to strip clubs and Yankees games
00:45:10Unlike Dobby, who is...
00:45:13Oh, no
00:45:13Dobby is millennial cringe
00:45:16Oh, no!
00:45:19Oh, bad Dobby, cringe Dobby, bad Dobby, cringe Dobby
00:45:24Dobby, why do you keep hurting yourself?
00:45:27It's not right
00:45:28It's not right
00:45:30Dobby doesn't know
00:45:31Perhaps because house elves are...
00:45:34House elves are somehow always the problem
00:45:37Even though we're only 1% of the population
00:45:39But house elves are the victims, Master Rowling is
00:45:43She gets so much hate mail
00:45:45Just this morning she received this t-shirt that says
00:45:48They K. Rowling
00:45:52But now it's Dobby's nicest shirt
00:45:55Oh, wait, Dobby, Dobby, I have read the books
00:45:59Of course you have
00:46:01And your master gave you a piece of clothing
00:46:04Doesn't that mean that you're...
00:46:06Free?
00:46:12You mean Dobby is finally free to say whatever Cho slash Che thing?
00:46:19Wait, your real pronouns are Cho Chang?
00:46:22Listen up, world
00:46:24Dobby has something to say
00:46:26Grindelwald's worst crime was sodomy
00:46:29Okay, wow
00:46:29Dobby, Dobby the house elf, everybody
00:46:34For Weekend Update, I'm Michael Chase
00:46:36And I'm Colin Jones
00:46:37Good night
00:46:39We're seeing it all
00:46:40We're seeing it all
00:46:42You can find her
00:46:43You can find her
00:46:53In the ruins of the Roman Empire
00:46:56A new culture is born
00:46:57The Iberians
00:46:58Who will one day be called Spanish
00:47:00And their own language emerges to unite their people
00:47:03With a common tongue
00:47:07Gentlemen
00:47:08Our new language, Spanish
00:47:11Is coming along really well
00:47:14So far it's looking good
00:47:18But I was thinking
00:47:20What if we made it harder to learn?
00:47:25So I had an amazing idea
00:47:29Please tell us
00:47:30Tell us
00:47:31Every word is a boy or a girl
00:47:37One more time
00:47:40He said
00:47:41Every word is a boy or a girl
00:47:46And here is what we decided so far
00:47:53The first word is morning
00:47:57Morning is a girl
00:48:00La mañana
00:48:01Yes
00:48:02The morning is a girl
00:48:04Because the morning is like
00:48:06Hey
00:48:08The next word is night
00:48:11La noche
00:48:13Yes, night is also a girl
00:48:16Because night is like
00:48:17Good night
00:48:22The next word is ocean
00:48:24Ocean is a boy
00:48:26El Océano
00:48:27Yes
00:48:28The ocean is a boy
00:48:30Because it's fun
00:48:31But sometimes
00:48:32For no reason
00:48:33It kill you
00:48:36Okay, okay
00:48:38I get it now
00:48:39So like
00:48:40A girl word
00:48:41Is a girl thing
00:48:43Like dress
00:48:44Is a girl
00:48:46No
00:48:48Dress is a boy
00:48:50Um, excuse me?
00:48:54Yes, the delegate from Barcelona
00:48:56Yes
00:48:58Barcelona
00:48:59Um, I'm sorry
00:49:01Slightly unrelated
00:49:03But I'm having trouble saying some of these words
00:49:07Yes, yes
00:49:08That's because your tongue is too far out of your mouth
00:49:11Put your tongue back in your mouth
00:49:12Tongue is ill
00:49:13Now let me do one that's gonna blow your mind
00:49:18The Bible
00:49:20The Bible is a girl
00:49:24Why is the Bible a girl?
00:49:26Because it's beautiful
00:49:28Yes, and also because the Bible
00:49:31Everything you wanna do
00:49:32It say no
00:49:36Yes, yes
00:49:37Thank you, thank you
00:49:39Yes, yes, yes
00:49:41Oh, I'm sorry, Barcelona again
00:49:45But I don't see how we can remember all of this
00:49:49I think we should skip this
00:49:52Thank you
00:49:54Thank you for your feedback
00:49:56As a reward
00:49:57This man will take you
00:49:59Oh, okay
00:50:01Hola, okay
00:50:03Everybody, don't worry
00:50:05He's gonna be just fine
00:50:07No, please!
00:50:12And now, with a few more rules that you'll only need to remember for school, but will be totally useless
00:50:21in real life, please welcome my cousin
00:50:31Hello, everyone
00:50:33Hello, everyone
00:50:34Hello, everyone
00:50:35Please
00:50:36Please
00:50:38Listen carefully
00:50:40Okay, we will do also
00:50:43Formal and informal
00:50:45Informal
00:50:46Like
00:50:47You
00:50:47Or
00:50:48You
00:50:50Okay
00:50:51What if the letter R
00:50:55Lasted a long time
00:50:57Like
00:51:14Errrrrrrrrrrr
00:51:15Okay, one last thing
00:51:17Not related to anything
00:51:19I think we should take a nap
00:51:22In the middle of the day
00:51:24Yes, I like that
00:51:26Yes, I like that
00:51:28Okay, I think that's enough progress for today
00:51:31And whoever doesn't die of disease in the night
00:51:35I will see you tomorrow
00:51:37Yay!
00:51:38See you tomorrow
00:51:57Once again, Doja Ka
00:52:14Doja Ka!
00:52:17I like that
00:52:18I like that
00:52:19I like that
00:52:20I like that
00:52:23I like that
00:52:24But there was a grinning before
00:52:26They gon' be really mad when we hit the floor
00:52:28It's a crime to be gorgeous
00:52:29Between you and a million bones
00:52:31They taking pictures of me in a post
00:52:33It's alright to be honest
00:52:35Even when we sit in the doubt
00:52:37I feel the prettiest that you ever saw
00:52:39All your eyes even open
00:52:40It ain't even really a fault
00:52:42We make it killin' being so beautiful
00:52:44It's a crime to be gorgeous
00:52:50It's a crime to be gorgeous
00:53:00It's a crime to be gorgeous
00:53:06It's a crime to be gorgeous
00:53:07Babe, I just hope to tell you how much I love you
00:53:10And how amazingly beautiful that you are
00:53:14Oh my God
00:53:16How uplifting and inspiring you've been for me
00:53:20For all this time
00:53:23And I love you
00:53:24And no one is freaking fun here
00:53:29Look at me
00:53:30Really look at me
00:53:31Loaded the magazine
00:53:32They throwin' a book at me
00:53:34Look at me
00:53:34I'm bookin' it
00:53:3580 mile put out cause my jewelry
00:53:36I'm cookin' some collard greens
00:53:38I ain't got no room for these
00:53:39Then I got surgery
00:53:40Cause of scrutiny
00:53:42But he like my V4 and at the pictures, he cool with me.
00:53:45I took off the wig and put some loose on my new 4C.
00:53:47I put on the wig and take it off as I am a piece.
00:53:50I look like my family.
00:53:52I don't need to brag.
00:53:54You just sag, bitch, she got some ass.
00:53:56Can't avoid the pack, can't even avoid the cash.
00:53:59Yeah, you beautiful, baby, but you got more than that.
00:54:01Pretty hurt, don't talk to me about resilience.
00:54:04After that wax, you thought you wanted to kill him.
00:54:07But now you walk around like you wanted a million.
00:54:09Yeah, he looking at me like he looked a beautiful children.
00:54:12Yeah, I'm sad.
00:54:13If they wasn't real and before, they gon' be really mad when we hit the floor.
00:54:17It's a crime to be gorgeous.
00:54:19Between you and a million bars, they take pictures like we're in a pose.
00:54:23It's all right to be honest, even though we sit in the dark.
00:54:26I feel the prettiest that you ever saw.
00:54:28All your eyes even open, it ain't even really a fuck.
00:54:31We make it killin', it's all right to be honest.
00:54:37It's a crime to be gross.
00:54:56She's like white gold in her hardware
00:54:58With an install and a long nail
00:55:01With an eyelash and it's glued on
00:55:04She ain't so Christian in the boutons
00:55:07And now she got contacts with no close friends
00:55:09And she lasered all that hair off
00:55:12And she thank God for that M-scope
00:55:15She wanna be chic when it's inspired by hair on
00:55:18Ah, there you go with that smile again
00:55:20She stay in school but she more privy to collagen
00:55:23Oh, now you all botched again
00:55:26You oughta cut off all the pills, they toxic friends
00:55:28Ah, you gettin' showered in compliments
00:55:31Huh, you feelin' power but not within
00:55:34I mean I only got myself to appeal to
00:55:36They got they nose up judging me
00:55:38But ain't all of them real
00:55:40So if they wasn't grillin'
00:55:41If they wasn't grillin' before
00:55:42They gon' be really mad
00:55:44They gon' be really mad
00:55:59They gon' be really mad
00:56:01It's all we need
00:56:04It's all we want
00:56:06It's all we need
00:56:09It's all we want
00:56:14It's all we need
00:56:20It's all we want
00:56:23The world to be gorgeous
00:56:26Do it
00:56:53Oh, this isn't fair.
00:56:56You really had to go and call my dad?
00:56:59He needs to see these, Michael.
00:57:01Principal Humboldt and I are very concerned about your drawings.
00:57:04These are disturbing and mostly threatening to me.
00:57:08It's not a big deal.
00:57:10Not a big deal?
00:57:11This could lead to serious consequences, suspension, maybe even expulsion.
00:57:16Come in.
00:57:18Hello?
00:57:28Hi.
00:57:30Hi.
00:57:39Hi.
00:57:41Hi.
00:57:43Hi.
00:57:44Gosh.
00:57:46I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
00:57:52Right.
00:57:53Well, thanks for coming in.
00:57:54Um, please, have a seat.
00:57:56Is everything okay?
00:57:58Oh, everything is fine, Mr. Seymour.
00:58:02Truly.
00:58:02Please, you can call me Marcus.
00:58:06Okay.
00:58:08Marcus.
00:58:10Have you ever let anyone call you that before?
00:58:14Yes.
00:58:17Wow.
00:58:19Yeah, so your son did some drawings.
00:58:21Oh, yes, um, the drawings, yes.
00:58:24You know, they're, they're, they're fine.
00:58:26I, um, so, I think this is me and it looks like he's, um, putting a necklace on me or
00:58:34something.
00:58:35Right?
00:58:35Uh, uh, no, I don't think so.
00:58:37I think it's pretty clearly that he's trying to chop your head off.
00:58:40Oh, no, that's terrible.
00:58:43Oh.
00:58:44Oh, my gosh.
00:58:51I just, I love your language.
00:58:55That gave me chills.
00:58:58What is that?
00:59:00It's Spanish.
00:59:02It's beautiful.
00:59:04Okay, is, is that the only drawing that Michael did?
00:59:09Uh, I think so, yeah.
00:59:11Actually, no, there's definitely more.
00:59:13Okay.
00:59:14Like, uh, this one right here.
00:59:15Okay, yeah, um, this one, this one is interesting.
00:59:19Me again, lucky girl.
00:59:22And the school saw some sort of imminent beating with a bat.
00:59:26But correct me if I'm wrong, I think he's holding a ruler to measure me for a wedding dress.
00:59:34Because I'm single.
00:59:37Nobody ever had the balls.
00:59:40No, it's a bat.
00:59:43I love it.
00:59:45Before we continue, is there a Mrs. Seymour?
00:59:50No, she left us.
00:59:53Bitch.
00:59:56No, she, like, she died.
01:00:05Then the bitch is I.
01:00:07Okay, let's, uh, let's get back to the drawings, please.
01:00:11Look, to me, this drawing, this picture, it, it seemed like he's trying to express himself.
01:00:19I couldn't agree more.
01:00:21Hell, some of these are just downright beautiful.
01:00:23I mean, okay, I didn't even see this one.
01:00:28Look at me, flying around, big old rocket out of my butt.
01:00:32And am I wearing some little leash?
01:00:35Okay, everyone write down your sizes.
01:00:36I'm making shirts.
01:00:38Okay, well, I'm a medium, so.
01:00:40We're not doing that.
01:00:41We need to show these to a therapist.
01:00:44I agree.
01:00:45Okay, all right.
01:00:47Well, how about this, okay?
01:00:49What about if you ever have any concerns, you just call me or just come over.
01:00:56And listen, I'm not one of those, what are we?
01:01:01Girls are the worst.
01:01:04Oh, my God.
01:01:05Can we go home?
01:01:07That's a great idea.
01:01:09Oh, thank you both.
01:01:12Come on.
01:01:12Okay, I'll talk to you soon.
01:01:15Well, um, for what it's worth, I am in love with you.
01:01:21Robert, this is a workplace.
01:01:39It's the number one program in comedic television.
01:01:44The kid from number eight, interpreted by the super comedian, Marcelo.
01:01:53Benito Artorio Martinez Ocasio as Kiko.
01:01:57Edward Asmute as Don Rabon.
01:02:00Chloe Fineman as Doña Florinda.
01:02:04Sarah Sherman as La Chilidrina.
01:02:08And Dean and Thompson as Mr. Stomach.
01:02:26Kiko.
01:02:28I am working, Kiko.
01:02:34Oh, finally you're walking.
01:02:37Hey, if I hit you, it's gonna hurt.
01:02:41Uh, don't hit me.
01:02:45Don Ramon!
01:02:47Papa, what are you doing?
01:02:49You're gonna hit Kiko with your hammer?
01:02:55No, I would never do something like that.
01:02:58Oh, okay, that's good.
01:03:01My mother always says, never hit your enemy.
01:03:06Thank you, Chavo.
01:03:08You're not my enemy.
01:03:10You are my friend.
01:03:13I am not your enemy?
01:03:15No, Chavo.
01:03:17Oh, perfect.
01:03:25Mommy!
01:03:27Mamita!
01:03:28What is happening here?
01:03:31They hit me in the face.
01:03:33Who hit you?
01:03:35Him!
01:03:46I'm hungry.
01:03:49Oh, you're hungry?
01:03:52Okay.
01:03:54Well, maybe you should have some pie.
01:03:59Are you still hungry, Chilindrina?
01:04:02Yeah.
01:04:03Pistana, doctor!
01:04:07Excuse me.
01:04:09You.
01:04:10Where is your father?
01:04:12Have you come to collect the rent?
01:04:15Yes.
01:04:16Well, in that case, I don't have a father.
01:04:21Uh, Mr. Stomach, I have the money for the rent.
01:04:25If you don't have the money for the rent, you are going to sleep in the street.
01:04:28What?
01:04:30You have the money?
01:04:31I can't believe it.
01:04:33I think I'm going to faint.
01:04:35No, Mr. Stomach, don't do that.
01:04:37You're going to break the floor.
01:04:43I'm going to go eat a little sandwich.
01:04:45What?
01:04:45How dare you say that to the landlord, you uneducated lunatics!
01:04:58Of course!
01:05:00Crybabies!
01:05:01Wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee
01:05:10-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee!
01:05:16Are you making these little kids cry again?
01:05:19Uh, no!
01:05:20What is even going on here?
01:05:27Professor Hirafal!
01:05:29Doña Florinda!
01:05:46Thank you, everybody!
01:05:51Thank you to Toya Cat, Jon Hamm, Benicio del Toro, Hunt Tricks, and my guys, P.D.
01:06:00that's been here 51 years.
01:06:02Gracias a todos por el cariño, por el amor por el Toro!
01:06:06Thank you all!
01:06:08I love you!
01:06:22AH Wilit ya no an, i'm sorry !!!
01:06:34He and the luna!
01:06:36Iook the jiwa-e-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee
01:06:40-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee
01:06:50guitar solo
01:07:21guitar solo
01:07:51guitar solo
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