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00:00:02Earlier this week, Attorney General Pam Bondi appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee.
00:00:07After the conclusion of her testimony, the Senators determined that she hadn't actually
00:00:11answered any of their questions, so she was recalled for a follow-up session.
00:00:16We now join the proceedings.
00:00:21All right. All right. I call this session of the Senate Judiciary Committee to order Senators
00:00:28Durbin, White House, Klobuchar, Blumenthal, and the aggressively folksy Senator Kennedy
00:00:36of Louisiana presiding.
00:00:38Thank you most kindly. As we say down around the bayou, this your Attorney General got some
00:00:42explaining the door. Yes, and she will. Welcome back, Madam Attorney General.
00:00:48What's up, nerds?
00:00:55Curious to be here.
00:00:57Do you affirm the testimony you are about to give before this committee will be the truth,
00:01:03the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
00:01:06No.
00:01:08Thank you. Would you like to make an opening statement?
00:01:11Yes, I would. My name is Pam Bondi.
00:01:14I spell it with an I, because I ain't gonna answer any of your questions.
00:01:18My time is valuable. The DOJ has many ongoing operations, and we're moving like Kash Patel's
00:01:25eyeballs, very quickly, in multiple directions at once.
00:01:30Very good, ma'am. The chair recognizes Senator Blumenthal.
00:01:33Madam Attorney General, did President Trump direct you to prosecute his political opponents?
00:01:42Before I don't answer, I'd like to insult you personally.
00:01:46Senator Blumenthal, look at this honky. Even people in Connecticut go, damn, that guy's white as hell.
00:01:56Okay.
00:01:58That's just one of the many roast-style burns that I have here on this paper.
00:02:03Don't make me use them.
00:02:05I'll ask again. Did the President direct you to indict James Comey?
00:02:10I-I'm not going to discuss my private conversations with the President.
00:02:15I'm not telling you who said what, or who fell asleep in the middle of a sentence,
00:02:19or who kept calling me Ivanka while patting his lap.
00:02:25The chair recognizes Senator Whitehouse.
00:02:28Good, because you know what I want to talk about?
00:02:31Jeffrey Epstein!
00:02:38Really thought more senators were going to clap.
00:02:41Anyway, did the FBI find photos of the President Trump with half-naked young women
00:02:47when they raided Mr. Epstein's property?
00:02:50Sir, I'm not even going to dignify that question with a lie.
00:02:55The chair recognizes Senator Kennedy.
00:02:59Oh, oui. Okay, now.
00:03:01You said you got a list of this Epstein fella's poivote friends on your desk.
00:03:06So I believe it's your job to tell us,
00:03:08who's in there on that list down there got on your desk?
00:03:13I tried reading the Epstein files, but I got really bored.
00:03:17It's so repetitive. Trump this, Trump that, yawn.
00:03:21Moving on, the chair recognizes ranking member Dick Durbin.
00:03:26Yeah, I recognize Dick Durbin.
00:03:28His name sounds like something Diddy got arrested for.
00:03:33That's from my burn book.
00:03:35And while we're at it, Amy Klobuchar, your ass out here sounding like a Pokemon.
00:03:40I choose you, Klobuchar!
00:03:45You got me.
00:03:47Uh, I'm gonna ask my question now.
00:03:50How can the President justify deploying troops against American citizens?
00:03:54Ow! Did you see that? He pushed me!
00:03:58I did not.
00:03:59And he just called me a bitch!
00:04:02No, I didn't.
00:04:03Now why is the President sending troops to my home state?
00:04:07To protect your people.
00:04:09And I wished you loved Chicago as much as you hate President Trump.
00:04:14How long you been working on that line?
00:04:17Three full months.
00:04:20You say that the troops are there to protect ICE facilities, but why is ICE there in the first place?
00:04:26I don't know.
00:04:26You'll have to ask Homeland Security Director Kristi Noem.
00:04:30Well, she isn't here.
00:04:33What if she is, though?
00:04:44Hold my gun.
00:04:47That's right, it's me, Kristi Noem.
00:04:49I spell my name with an I, cause that's how I thought it was spelled.
00:04:54And I'm the rarest type of person in Washington, D.C., a brunette that Donald Trump listens to.
00:05:00I'm here to tell you that this Democrat government shutdown needs to end now.
00:05:05Well, the Democrats are even more eager to end this shutdown than our Republican colleagues.
00:05:12Ha! That makes me laugh more than the end of Old Yeller.
00:05:21When the dog gets shot?
00:05:25Dogs don't just get shot. Heroes shoot them.
00:05:30Speaking of heroes, our government agents are working without pay.
00:05:34Luckily, my boys at ICE don't mind. They're in it for the love of the game.
00:05:38And how did I find them? By running ads like this.
00:05:42Do you need a job now?
00:05:44Yeah.
00:05:45Are you a big tough guy?
00:05:46Yeah.
00:05:47Tough enough for the army or police?
00:05:49No.
00:05:50But do you take supplements that you bought at a gas station?
00:05:53Daily.
00:05:54Do you like to use zip ties because people in your life don't trust you with keys?
00:05:58You know it.
00:06:00Then buckle up and slap on some Oakley's big boy welcome to ICE.
00:06:11Does that answer your question?
00:06:15No.
00:06:16Not even a little bit.
00:06:18Then our work here is done.
00:06:20And live from New York!
00:06:30It's Saturday Night Live!
00:06:34With...
00:06:35Michael Chang!
00:06:44Mikey J!
00:06:50Andrew Dismukes!
00:06:53Andrew Dismukes!
00:07:00Chloe Fineman!
00:07:12Marcelo Hernandez!
00:07:17James Austin Johnson!
00:07:19James Austin Johnson!
00:07:27Colin Jost!
00:07:33Sarah Sherman!
00:07:39Keenan Thompson!
00:07:44Boen Yang!
00:07:46Boen Yang!
00:07:50Featuring...
00:07:51Tommy Brevin!
00:07:56Jeremy Cohey!
00:08:00Dan Marshall!
00:08:09Ashley Padilla!
00:08:12Cam Patterson!
00:08:16Veronica Slowikoska!
00:08:21Jane Wickline!
00:08:29Musical guest, Role Model!
00:08:34And your host, Amy Poehler!
00:08:41Ephesians!
00:08:42Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Poehler!
00:08:49Amy Poehler!
00:08:52Ahmad Ali!
00:09:08Thank you so much.
00:09:11I am so excited to be here tonight.
00:09:14SNL is such a special place to me.
00:09:17I found my first love here being famous.
00:09:22And, you know, I'm still on some of the amazing medications they put me on, so I will be
00:09:28forever grateful.
00:09:30For those wondering, I'm not here to talk about a big movie or a TV project, but now
00:09:37that I have your attention, I am looking for an angel investor from my very elite brand
00:09:44of low-sugar, high-tequila sodas called Polar's Colars, which, just like me, are banned in
00:09:52the state of Connecticut.
00:09:54But life is great.
00:09:56I've got my new podcast, Good Hang, on Spotify.
00:10:02That's right.
00:10:03I am a podcaster now, and if that's not a recession indicator, I don't know what is.
00:10:09But tonight is actually a very special night for the show, not just because I'm here,
00:10:14but because 50 years ago today, on October 11th, 1975, the very first episode of SNL aired.
00:10:24And it was...
00:10:29And that episode was hosted by George Carlin, and just like George Carlin, I am extremely
00:10:36high.
00:10:39But, you know, the world looked a lot different in 1975.
00:10:43For one thing, women couldn't even have credit cards yet.
00:10:48Yeah.
00:10:49But now, I'm kind of like, somebody take my credit card away, am I right?
00:10:56I made them put that in.
00:10:59When it's always a dream come true to be here, I remember watching the show in the 70s, sitting
00:11:05in my house in Burlington, Massachusetts, thinking, I want to be an actress someday, at least until
00:11:12they invent an AI actress who's funnier and willing to do full frontal.
00:11:18But 50 years, wow.
00:11:21You know what's nice about turning 50?
00:11:22You start to not care about what people think.
00:11:24And that's what's so great about SNL.
00:11:27She's obviously stopped caring.
00:11:31But no matter the age, it's never too late to make new friends.
00:11:34Say hello to the newest cast members, everybody.
00:11:43Hey, Amy.
00:11:46We're so excited.
00:11:47Just keep it moving.
00:11:48We don't know each other yet.
00:11:49Keep it moving.
00:11:52Okay.
00:11:53Anyway, before we start the show, I just wanted to say one thing.
00:11:56I know it can feel like times are very tough right now.
00:11:59And in some ways, they always have been and they always will be.
00:12:02So I'll just say this, if there's a place that feels like home that you can go back to
00:12:08and laugh with your friends, consider yourself lucky.
00:12:10And I do.
00:12:12And to that little AI robot watching TV right now who wants to be on this stage someday,
00:12:19I say to you, beep boop, beep boop, beep boop, beep boop.
00:12:24Which translates to, you'll never be able to write a joke, you stupid robot.
00:12:30And I am willing to do full frontal, but nobody's asked me, okay?
00:12:38Thank you, Amy.
00:12:39Great show for you tonight.
00:12:40Role model is here!
00:12:44So, sit down.
00:12:46Let me write down.
00:12:48Go be right there.
00:13:01This is it, my childhood home.
00:13:03Gosh, I'm so excited to meet your family.
00:13:05Oh, they're excited to meet you too.
00:13:07But before we go in, I should say they can seem a little cold at first.
00:13:13Oh, babe, I'm sure it's fine.
00:13:14I'm amazing with parents.
00:13:15I've done this hundreds of times.
00:13:17Oh, wait, hundreds?
00:13:21Mom, Dad, Grandma, I'm home.
00:13:24Oh, hi.
00:13:27Um, welcome home, I guess.
00:13:33So, yeah, as I was saying.
00:13:39Everything you do, we say, mix them, react in a crazy way.
00:13:42They're the family called the rudeness.
00:13:46Yes, anyways, yeah.
00:13:55Um, okay.
00:13:56Hey, Mr. Rudman, nice to meet you.
00:13:58Amanda tells me you work at NASA.
00:14:01Um, if I work at NASA, you mean I'm employed by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration,
00:14:08then, yeah.
00:14:10I mean, what?
00:14:14Uh, yeah, that actually is exactly what I meant.
00:14:19Anyway, I guess I'll go get the queso dip.
00:14:24Us too?
00:14:26I mean, what?
00:14:30so i think they like you you're serious like their tone is so like offended hey sis and oh cool
00:14:42there's a random guy in my house nice can i get you something to drink um yeah i guess if
00:14:52you're
00:14:52having one i'll have a beer whoa at 10 a.m he's a real keeper sis i mean what i
00:15:04know right
00:15:08i feel like i'm like blowing this right now oh no this is the best it's ever gone
00:15:15oh uh i'll get the landline we randomly still have
00:15:26rudeman residence uh uh uh yeah i know i'm the one who made the appointment for tomorrow
00:15:35but uh uh thanks for the reminder like what okay what is going on why do they all talk like
00:15:46they're
00:15:47a cashier at buffalo exchange it's just how they talk anyways i got the cheese dip i guess
00:15:57oh hey do you want some help carrying that um i think i can handle a little
00:16:09um fine but uh thanks for the help up i guess um so yeah that just happened
00:16:21nice catch man
00:16:25okay stop stop clap you know i just i can't win with you guys how would you like it if
00:16:30i talk to you the
00:16:31way you're talking to me um right wow like i was saying no don't you ever speak to my family
00:16:42that way
00:16:45so that just happened
00:16:59whoa slow down champ look i'm not as young as i used to be and i knew i needed to
00:17:05cut back on my drinking
00:17:06so i switched to non-alcoholic beer same great taste as regular beer none of the booze which meant i
00:17:12could
00:17:13finally have a cold one with the fellas while still doing the right thing for me and my family
00:17:17but then i realized i wasn't getting drunk which is kind of the point no which is why now i
00:17:23drink
00:17:24non-non-alcoholic beer first non-alcoholic beverage that's over 96 percent alcohol same great taste as
00:17:31non-alcoholic beer but with more alcohol than any beverage currently on the market
00:17:37hot dog plus i still get all the social benefits of drinking non-alcoholic beer too
00:17:42looking good man what you drinking it's called a non damn man your breath smell like gasoline
00:17:48thanks get out of here see that little hyphen right there that's what our lawyers call the skeleton key
00:17:54that's what makes all this possible see it's not technically a lie it's called a double negative
00:17:59and it tastes incredible eric you're sober and you've gained a few looks like we're two things
00:18:05and the best part you can finally drink and drive sir you've been drinking today just my nons of course
00:18:15great so you won't mind if i give you a breathalyzer hey back up calling for backup oh god non
00:18:23-non-alcoholic
00:18:24beer double the negative double the party
00:18:34she's blunt she's clairvoyant and she's got a hard out at seven she is miss like us the fast psychic
00:18:43hey welcome to the show my name is miss like us i'm a fast psychic and as always i have
00:18:48a heart out
00:18:48at seven joining me today is tad doubt author of the book city of ghosts thanks for being here tad
00:18:53hey uh thanks for having me i've never seen the program but i'm really yeah well thanks for being
00:18:57here now we got a bunch of sad desperate people in the audience who want answers from the beyond
00:19:02the shadows and i'm going to give them those answers okay you and the tablecloth go uh hi um my
00:19:09name is angelina angelina what's your question go um okay so 15 years ago my dad left our house to
00:19:16buy a pack of cigarettes and i haven't seen him since he's dead what honey he died he drowned he
00:19:25drowned
00:19:25until he died and now he's fish food does that make sense to you no but thank you
00:19:34okay next hi so i had a question about my grandpa he's dead oh i know but uh is he
00:19:45here right now does
00:19:46he have a message for me uh yeah he says hi from hell does that make sense to you no
00:19:50but thank you okay
00:19:52next go go go hi so my husband he's dead he died he drowned next oh no actually he's right
00:20:01here oh honey
00:20:01i know i know that he drowned but he's still alive and what's dead is your marriage i hate looking
00:20:07at
00:20:07you you look like siblings he's cheating on you with a woman as tall as he is does that make
00:20:10sense to you
00:20:11not at all yes it does but thank you thank you for what why are you going so fast because
00:20:20i just
00:20:21took a colonoscopy drink and it's running through me like a japanese bullet train next next next
00:20:26so my father that recently passed away honey he's dead thank you
00:20:33and now as always we need to issue some corrections for the predictions i gave last episode here we go
00:20:43okay so those are that next hi so i've always wondered who my biological mother is well honey
00:20:50it ain't me the good news is it's hillary duff the bad news is it's not the one you're thinking
00:20:55of
00:20:55so sit your white ass down all right next go go go go go hi she's dead who is you
00:21:02are does that make
00:21:03sense to you yep thank you oh that sound means the bullet trains one station away so it's time for
00:21:12the speed round that wasn't the speed round okay going down the line uh dead dead alive drowned burnt
00:21:20drowned burnt drowned drowned drowned marry f kill undiagnosed diabetes and if i haven't gotten to you yet
00:21:30just know that the ghost of hulk hogan says what's up what are you talking about okay one more bring
00:21:36it
00:21:36home uh hi two years ago i was on the show and you told me my brother was drowned but
00:21:42alive and thriving
00:21:43in florida yeah i just wanted to say thank you because thanks to you we found my brother
00:21:51and i'm actually a huge fan of tads and i had a question about his book
00:21:55um okay uh great uh finally so in your story about lisa like what are you it's seven and this
00:22:02has been another episode of miss likest the fast cycle does that make sense no but thank you
00:22:11millions of americans tuned in for season one of the hunting wives the straight but lesbian horny
00:22:17republican murder drama and now it's back for more well i'm back from prison look what the cat dragged in
00:22:26we at netflix have rushed to get you in record time the hunting wives season two all your faves are
00:22:33back and they're as naughty as ever sophie what can i get you i don't drink i'm an alcoholic okay
00:22:39but i have
00:22:40some whiskey okay i will thighs will be squeezed guns will be drawn i think you killed that girl
00:22:53you take that back oh hell no let's party y'all in season one just free sophie learned how to
00:23:00hunt
00:23:01but there's room for lots more sensual teaching people magazine writes it's like call me by your name
00:23:08for women who shop at bass pro shop i've never made chili before it's just you and the beans
00:23:16plus even more you know great you know writing and wigs that are doing their best and who could
00:23:24forget the team hey you're cute you want to hook up i can't i'm married and you're 18. okay but
00:23:31let's
00:23:31hook up okay i will i haven't watched it lies the washington post rolling stone rings didn't some of these
00:23:39characters die already it's like if the l word took place in yellowstone this show has healed our
00:23:45nation writes ai scott the robot now doing reviews for the new york times in one scene a woman took
00:23:51off her entire outfit to put in a tampon that was interesting says the av club and things get even
00:23:57crazier when a new new girl joins the group hey ladies i'm new here i just moved from california we're
00:24:04just
00:24:04making mimosas pull up a chair oh i've never made mimosas before i'll show you okay
00:24:14just take it slow
00:24:18well i gotta make sure you show her right
00:24:28so new girl do you have a nice california boyfriend i don't have a boyfriend i have a
00:24:33girlfriend the hunting watch season two don't watch it on a plane
00:24:45i'm surprised the lady is coming into work still she's nine months pregnant i know it's okay to take
00:24:51some time off okay no time for small talk we're neck and neck with fisher and sons for a multi
00:24:57-million
00:24:57dollar consulting deal with floratech we land this you can all expect a fat bonus lorraine i know you're
00:25:04the manager but if you need to leave we can absolutely handle it not necessary yes today is
00:25:10technically my due date but should the baby arrive i obviously have a plan and in the meantime let's land
00:25:15this deal richard go ahead sure yeah uh thank you so the key to distinguishing our company is in the
00:25:23client list we've implemented successful strategies for marketing for resulting in i don't know over
00:25:301.8 billion dollars in revenue and an average of a 300 percent increase year over year i'm sorry uh
00:25:37what
00:25:37is that uh it's my birthing pool and i'd love it if we could avoid personal questions but if you
00:25:43must
00:25:43know my water broke continue oh your your water broke should we get you to a hospital let's be adults
00:25:51guys not every birth takes place in a hospital plenty of people have home births i happen to be
00:25:56having a work birth now richard go ahead uh okay um so i guess by starting with our impressive client
00:26:05list
00:26:07sorry are you okay yeah that all sounds really great so far why you were screaming in agony are you
00:26:15sure you sure you don't need a break i think mama's doing great sorry who is that guy hello i
00:26:24am zachariah i
00:26:25am her doula thank you for welcoming me into your temple of employment where did you find him uh he's
00:26:34very respected on facebook marketplace now claire let's hear from your department please you mocked up a deck
00:26:39right um yes i did excuse me zachariah i put together some of our fortune 200 growth charts just
00:26:47to visually demonstrate our ability oh something's horribly wrong what's wrong there's a typo in the
00:26:52header claire now lisa how's comms coming um we're good i think we just want to make sure our
00:27:00relationships with the client just go beyond the
00:27:05are you saging me sorry just cleansing the energy kind of a dog water aura coming from this
00:27:11direction here honey honey excuse me i'm here honey i came as fast as i could okay you're late please
00:27:18sit down we're in the middle of a meeting of course so sorry oh getting in getting in continue okay
00:27:28do you want us to give you two a minute no no no no no please i know my wife
00:27:34and i know she'd love
00:27:35if you guys would keep the meeting going yeah oh i think the baby's crowning okay oh push mama you
00:27:40got
00:27:41this okay hubby help me simulate the motion of the tides absolutely anyways as i was saying
00:27:53oh my god oh my god it's so salty yes there we go mama shimmy that little worm out into
00:28:00the usa
00:28:01this is not how doulas talk well how would i know i've never done this before
00:28:07excuse me i have a package for cold okie dokie i just saw a full vagual jiju so i guess
00:28:15my day is finished goodbye he's coming he's coming oh my god
00:28:26wah wah crazy right birthing a child at work who would do that i'll tell you who the most amazing
00:28:34hard-working detail-oriented woman i've ever been birthed from my mother now come on mom what do you say
00:28:41to go land that deal
00:29:03ladies and gentlemen role model
00:29:19well
00:29:24she don't dance but she downs her drinks but do a friend she's a born again wild card
00:29:32she was telling me wild thing she was telling me wild things she was telling me wild things
00:29:40it's down the street past the 7-eleven just close enough that i spent the night
00:29:47she grabbed my hand at the intersection i spilled my guts at the river hey
00:29:59oh
00:30:07oh
00:30:08oh
00:30:09oh
00:30:10oh
00:30:10oh
00:30:10oh
00:30:11Sally, I'll buy a couple of rounds
00:30:18Don't let me think I'm enough
00:30:21And disappear when the wine comes out
00:30:26Yeah, oh Sally!
00:30:35Well, I open up while she's flipping through ages
00:30:40Get lonely as the days get dark
00:30:44If you're bored and your mind starts changing
00:30:48Maybe just give me a head start
00:30:51I, I see the glass in your eye
00:30:58Just trying to keep it alive
00:31:00Crying out loud
00:31:05Sally, that feeling's coming around
00:31:37Please don't go falling in love
00:31:38I'm falling head first
00:31:40Anchors in the two steps
00:31:42Sally makes my head hurt
00:31:44And through the grapevine she can be a fever
00:31:48Cold like Minnesota
00:31:52Oh, here we go again
00:31:54I'm falling head first
00:31:56Anchors in the two steps
00:31:58Sally makes my head hurt
00:32:00And through the grapevine she can be a fever
00:32:04Cold like Minnesota
00:32:06Higher than a fever
00:32:08Sally, that feeling's coming around
00:32:14Please don't go falling in love
00:32:17And disappear when the wine runs out
00:32:22And disappear when the wine runs out
00:32:23Yeah, Sally
00:32:25I'll buy a couple of rounds
00:32:28Don't let me think I'm enough
00:32:32And disappear when the wine runs out
00:32:38Yoo-hoo
00:33:03It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Chang
00:33:13Thank you very much
00:33:16Thank you, thank you
00:33:17Good evening, everyone
00:33:19Welcome to Weekend Update
00:33:20I'm Michael Chang
00:33:20I'm Colin Jost
00:33:24Well, it is nice to start Update with some good news
00:33:27For once
00:33:28There is peace in the Middle East
00:33:30The only downside is there's war in Chicago
00:33:34Only Trump could Freaky Friday Chicago and Gaza
00:33:37And I know Trump is upset that he didn't win the Nobel Peace Prize
00:33:41But the last guy to send heavily armed men into an American city
00:33:45Was Bane from Batman
00:33:48Bane, who was also snubbed for the Peace Prize
00:33:50And Trump deserves credit, I have to say
00:33:54For brokering this ceasefire in Gaza
00:33:56But I'm slightly skeptical since Biden also negotiated a ceasefire in Gaza nine months ago
00:34:02Remember that?
00:34:03No?
00:34:04Well, neither does Biden
00:34:10The actual Nobel Peace Prize was awarded this week to Venezuelan opposition leader Maria Karina Machado
00:34:16Or as Fox News reported it
00:34:19Trump robbed by deranged Hispanic
00:34:23Many leaders in the Middle East are crediting President Trump with brokering the Israel-Hamas ceasefire
00:34:28But it makes perfect sense to me
00:34:30Because sometimes crazy people only listen to other crazy people
00:34:34Like when you see a guy jacking it on the subway
00:34:36You don't just ask him to stop
00:34:38No, you gotta take off your pants too
00:34:40And now we can negotiate
00:34:48Health Secretary
00:34:50Health Secretary RFK Jr. seen here trying to cure cancer with his mind
00:34:58Said this week that men who were circumcised are more likely to be autistic
00:35:03Which isn't surprising coming from a man who looks like he's made out of foreskin
00:35:11Not mine
00:35:14President Trump has reportedly become concerned with Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene
00:35:20Criticizing Republicans on key issues with Trump asking
00:35:23What's going on with Marjorie?
00:35:25A little advice bro
00:35:26Just let her go
00:35:27You can't change her
00:35:29God knows I've tried
00:35:34The U.S. Treasury is planning to release a silver dollar with President Trump's face on it
00:35:39And then on the other side he has Harriet Tubman in a headlock
00:35:49The Trump administration is also rolling out a video at airports
00:35:52In which Kristi Noem will blame Democrats for flight delays related to the government shutdown
00:35:57Let's take a look
00:35:58I want to play a game
00:36:06It's memorable
00:36:07President Trump issued a proclamation ending Indigenous Peoples Day
00:36:12And calling Christopher Columbus the original American hero
00:36:16So while Trump is rounding up people with ice he's praising Columbus
00:36:20A guy who literally brought boatloads of Hispanics to America
00:36:25After his
00:36:26After a historic win in the primary
00:36:30Zoran Mamdani is now the frontrunner in the New York City mayoral race
00:36:35Here to comment
00:36:36Here to comment is a very concerned New Yorker
00:36:39Rhonda Licenzo
00:36:44Michael Che
00:36:45Thank you so much for giving me this platform
00:36:48Well thanks for being here
00:36:50I gotta say Rhonda
00:36:51Uh you have very panicked energy already
00:36:53Oh me?
00:36:54Why would I be panicked?
00:36:56Oh I'm just thrilled that our city is about to be taken over by my favorite type of person
00:37:03Bum ba ba bum
00:37:04Hooray!
00:37:05A hipster jihadist!
00:37:09That's pretty strong words out the gate
00:37:11Well Che
00:37:12He isn't even a real New Yorker Che
00:37:15He's from Uganda
00:37:17Okay
00:37:18I'm a real New Yorker Che
00:37:20I'm from Long Island Che
00:37:24Long Island isn't in New York City
00:37:26You can't even vote in this election
00:37:27Well really?
00:37:28Then how come I voted for Cuomo in the primary 48 times Che?
00:37:32I don't know but that's illegal
00:37:34You know what should be illegal Che?
00:37:36All of Mondani's socialist policies
00:37:39Free buses
00:37:40Huh?
00:37:40Rent freeze
00:37:41Universal child care
00:37:43You know I read that Mondani himself said that he's gonna act
00:37:48Enact Sharia lore in the city
00:37:51Sharia lore
00:37:53He can't do that Che
00:37:56I know Sharia
00:37:57She's my nail tech
00:37:59And she should not be a lore
00:38:04Coffee Che?
00:38:05No
00:38:05And where are you reading this stuff?
00:38:08In the New York Times Che?
00:38:11On their website?
00:38:12In a comment on a recipe for a halloumi salad?
00:38:17That Sharia lore thing is not true Rhonda
00:38:19You know that
00:38:20Well I'll tell you what is true Che
00:38:22Mondani is an ISIS trained millennial nepo baby from Uganda
00:38:27I mean
00:38:28You gonna be kidding me Che
00:38:30Oh
00:38:30Hey hey Che
00:38:32Hey Che
00:38:33You think Colin would do that joke for me
00:38:36In exchange for a pair of my panties?
00:38:39Coffee Che?
00:38:41No
00:38:41Coffee Che?
00:38:42Coffee smells a lot like gin
00:38:44Rhonda where are you getting all this information?
00:38:46Zoran told me Che
00:38:48He told me to my face
00:38:51In a sexual fantasy I had about him
00:38:53You've had a sex dream about him?
00:38:56And I've written it as a screenplay
00:38:58Ahem
00:39:02We open on Tehran
00:39:05We hear the Muslim call the prayer
00:39:08And out of a cloud of hookah smoke
00:39:11Steps the TikTok Bolshevik himself
00:39:14Zoran
00:39:15He drops his towel
00:39:17Revealing his big
00:39:19Oh
00:39:19Girthy bus
00:39:20And tonight
00:39:22I'm riding it for free
00:39:25Coffee Che
00:39:27Coffee Che
00:39:28No
00:39:29Rhonda I think I'm just confused
00:39:31There's so much gin in there
00:39:32I think I'm just confused why you care
00:39:35I mean you don't even live in New York City
00:39:36Only cause I can't afford it
00:39:38No one can
00:39:39Listen Che
00:39:40Whether you like it or not
00:39:42Long Islanders make New York City what it is
00:39:45Okay
00:39:46Without us
00:39:47Who would take calls on speakerphone during the Lion King
00:39:51Okay
00:39:51Without us
00:39:53Where would all the most violent cops live?
00:39:58Staten Island
00:40:02Okay Rhonda I just think some of what you're saying is pretty Islamophobic as well
00:40:06Islamophobic Che
00:40:07How dare you
00:40:08How dare you Che
00:40:09It's not
00:40:10I'm not Islamophobic okay
00:40:12I'm just scared of all Muslim people
00:40:15That's what Islamophobic means
00:40:17Oh then that is what I am yes
00:40:19Alright Rhonda Lichenso everybody
00:40:21Thank you
00:40:22Thank you
00:40:24Thank you
00:40:28Former Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez has been accused of drunkenly assaulting a delivery driver
00:40:33Before the driver stabbed him
00:40:36The penalties offset repeat first down
00:40:42If convicted Sanchez could be sent to prison or worse back to the Jets
00:40:50Open AI has updated its video generating app Sora to allow users to create cameos of themselves in videos
00:40:56And they're pretty realistic
00:40:58I mean I made this one before the show
00:41:22You suck
00:41:25Really excited for that to just be out there
00:41:30A growing number of Gen Z men are moving back in with their parents
00:41:35Taking over household chores and calling themselves trad sons
00:41:40Replacing the old name Failures
00:41:44Arby's announced that they are adding a new item to their menu
00:41:47Steak nuggets
00:41:48Although you can make your own steak nuggets by eating a bunch of Arby's
00:41:57A high school cheer coach was arrested on charges that she had sex with a male student
00:42:03Said the coach
00:42:04Give me a D
00:42:11Okay
00:42:12According to experts October is the most common month for single people to enter relationships
00:42:19Commonly known as cuffing season
00:42:21Here to comment are Grant and Alyssa the couple you can't believe are together
00:42:30What's up what's up what's up what's up Colin great to be back man it is cuffing season and I
00:42:35love it
00:42:35I'm cuffed as hell baby and let's just say when the officer looks like this you don't resist arrest
00:42:43That is great to see you guys as always so you guys like the fall
00:42:46Oh man my baby loves the fall
00:42:49She's always talking about how much she loves the fall
00:42:51Tell them baby don't you love the fall
00:42:53Yeah
00:42:55Yeah man she ain't lying
00:42:56My baby is so smart she doesn't even call it fall
00:42:59Tell them what you call it baby
00:43:00Autumn
00:43:01What?
00:43:02What even is that guys?
00:43:05I just call it the time when the trees lose their hair
00:43:09But my baby is so funny Colin she is hilarious
00:43:12Like the other day we were apple picking and my baby said the funniest thing
00:43:16Tell them what you said baby tell them what you said at the apple place baby
00:43:18I said please calm down
00:43:23Well baby it's hilarious Colin
00:43:25Yeah and we both love Halloween but for different reasons
00:43:29Um I'm fascinated by its pagan origins
00:43:32Yeah and I like seeing little kids dressed as spider-man
00:43:35So I get to see my favorite superhero what he would have looked like when he was little
00:43:41Wow
00:43:43That's so dumb
00:43:45Are you guys going to do costumes this year?
00:43:49Um I'll be going as Sylvia Plath
00:43:51Because it's the one day of the year that you can dress like a slut
00:43:57Damn baby
00:44:00And I'll be what I am every year
00:44:02Mike Wazowski
00:44:08Um we also like to carve pumpkins together Colin
00:44:11Oh oh I want to see
00:44:12Um I made this as an ode to Edgar Allan Poe's the Raven
00:44:17Oh wow
00:44:17Look at this
00:44:18Look at that
00:44:19Look at that Colin
00:44:20Look at my baby
00:44:20Look how talented my baby is
00:44:22And then I made this one
00:44:27I think I made the nose too big
00:44:32But my favorite part of Halloween comes at night time Colin
00:44:36Oh right when you go trick or treating
00:44:38Close
00:44:38Tell him baby
00:44:39Uh when after a long day of festive fun
00:44:42I take him to the bedroom light my good candle
00:44:45And I jackal on his lantern
00:44:48Alyssa and Grant
00:44:49Damn baby
00:44:54I didn't see it coming
00:44:57Laszlo Krasner Horkai was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature for his compelling and visionary oeuvre that in the midst
00:45:04of apocalyptic terror reaffirms the power of art
00:45:08The title of his book
00:45:09You gots to wash your ass
00:45:14That wouldn't be the title of the book
00:45:17Probably not
00:45:17Monday was National German American Day which my family has been celebrating ever since they hastily moved here in 1945
00:45:27Oh my god
00:45:30What did I do to everyone?
00:45:33A woman in Tennessee broke a hospital record after giving birth to a 13th
00:45:3813 pound baby
00:45:39It's the first baby to ever bust out saying
00:45:42Oh yeah!
00:45:44Okay whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
00:45:46Whoa
00:45:53I've been here out here all night
00:45:55You don't have to cheer for me
00:45:57What are you doing here?
00:45:58What do you mean what I'm doing?
00:46:01What do you mean a woman has a 13 pound baby and that's the best you can do?
00:46:05You think you could do better?
00:46:06Oh I know I can
00:46:08You know what this means?
00:46:10It's time for a good old fashioned weekend
00:46:12Weekend update joke off
00:46:19Wow
00:46:20Good luck!
00:46:20Wow!
00:46:24Oh!
00:46:27Get the joke off!
00:46:29Get the week or not make joke off!
00:46:32Oh my god!
00:46:32Want the place?
00:46:33It's time for you!
00:46:35Woo!
00:46:40Woo!
00:46:42Woo!
00:46:42Woo!
00:46:43Woo!
00:46:43Woo!
00:46:43Woo!
00:46:44Woo!
00:46:44Oh, did you say we can update joke off?
00:46:47Um, my first wife and my second wife, everybody.
00:46:50Thank you for helping us.
00:46:53Okay, okay, I think we all know the rules.
00:46:56Or not.
00:46:57One more time, I'll just set it up for us.
00:46:59A woman in Tennessee broke a hospital record
00:47:01after giving birth to a 13-pound baby, and go.
00:47:05A woman gave birth to a 13-pound baby,
00:47:07which was so big, he slapped the doctor on his ass.
00:47:12A woman gave birth to a 13-pound baby,
00:47:14and the new baby's name is...
00:47:17Pause, a woman gave birth to a 13-pound baby.
00:47:19Damn, did she give birth to it, or did it drive out?
00:47:23Eh, well, here's a fun fact.
00:47:25The second the baby was out,
00:47:26the woman zipped around the room like a deflated balloon.
00:47:30Aw, boring!
00:47:32A woman in Tennessee gave birth to a 13-pound baby
00:47:34because it's Tennessee, and the baby was also pregnant.
00:47:41Honk!
00:47:42A woman gave birth to a 13-pound baby.
00:47:44The baby's nickname is Magician.
00:47:46Because it basically sawed his mother in half.
00:47:49Butter sound.
00:47:50A woman in Tennessee broke a hospital record
00:47:53after giving birth to a 13-pound baby,
00:47:55and then she broke off her husband's penis
00:47:58to make sure it never happened again.
00:48:00Eh, a woman in Tennessee gave birth to a 13-pound baby.
00:48:03The doctor said,
00:48:04it's a boy, boy, boy, boy, boy.
00:48:08Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!
00:48:09A woman in Tennessee broke a hospital record
00:48:11after giving birth to a 13-pound baby.
00:48:12The record was for loosest vagina
00:48:14and was previously held by me.
00:48:18What?
00:48:19What?
00:48:22We won.
00:48:23Yeah, we won.
00:48:25Did you?
00:48:25Yes!
00:48:26Yes!
00:48:27This has been a Weekend Update joke-off
00:48:30for Weekend Update.
00:48:31I'm Colin Jones.
00:48:32I'm so mad.
00:48:52The following is a paid advertisement
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00:52:42got hit
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00:53:12once again role model
00:53:27it's closing time and i'm leaving
00:53:34you're holding on to someone new
00:53:40are you still picking up the pieces
00:53:46am i still worried about you
00:53:50am i still worried about you
00:53:51i say i am i always will
00:54:02i say i am i always will
00:54:09With some protector
00:54:16Holding on from a distance
00:54:20I never want to intrude
00:54:27Does he love you any different?
00:54:34Am I still sounding like a fool?
00:54:40Why?
00:54:42He said and I always will
00:54:47He said and I always will
00:54:51He said and I always will
00:54:57With some protector
00:55:03With some protector
00:55:09To you
00:55:33Am I guilty? Am I sorry?
00:55:38Do I miss you at the party?
00:55:40Am I dragging this forever?
00:55:44Am I thinking about September?
00:55:47Am I wrecking reputation
00:55:49While you're making reservations?
00:55:52Am I lying to my mother?
00:55:56Am I lying to my mother?
00:55:56Unless someday I'll find another
00:55:59He said and I always will
00:56:04He said and I always will
00:56:10He said and I always will
00:56:33In a way
00:56:36In a way
00:57:14Eat up, kids. I made my famous rice and spaghetti.
00:57:17Well, shouldn't we wait for mom? Or let me guess.
00:57:21Your mother is out.
00:57:23Again? This is crazy. She's having like a total midlife crisis.
00:57:27Kids, it's just a phase. First it was pickleball, then 3D printing costume jewelry.
00:57:33I don't know. This feels different.
00:57:36Oh. Hey, mom.
00:57:38Hey. What?
00:57:43Dad made dinner, okay?
00:57:45I'm not hungry. I'm going to my room.
00:57:47Uh-uh-uh. Sit down. We need to talk.
00:57:50Oh, my God.
00:57:56So, where were you tonight?
00:57:58Nowhere. And who were you with?
00:58:01No one.
00:58:03Oh.
00:58:04Dad, are you going to say something?
00:58:06Kids, it's okay to try new things. After all, your mom supported me when I bought that Vespa.
00:58:11Let her vape.
00:58:13You're vaping now?
00:58:16It's bubblegum mint, bitch.
00:58:20Mom, we know this is a weird time for you, and your body is, um, changing.
00:58:25So, we got you this book.
00:58:28When a period becomes a comma, a guide to perimenopause.
00:58:32Oh, my God. You're so embarrassing.
00:58:34Don't talk about my body.
00:58:36Kids, your mother's changing body is between her and the girl at Claire's who pierced her areolas.
00:58:41Oh, my God.
00:58:43You know, I don't need this attitude at home.
00:58:45Did it ever occur to you I'm getting bullied at school?
00:58:48You're the superintendent.
00:58:51David, get the door.
00:58:56Um, is I waiting on?
00:58:58What up, skanks?
00:59:00I told you to wait for me down the block.
00:59:02We're going to go sit on the swings and watch anime on our phones.
00:59:05Dude, this is your house?
00:59:07I know. It sucks here. Literally, everybody's white.
00:59:11Dude.
00:59:11Mom!
00:59:12Oh, come on!
00:59:14Oh, Emory, shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
00:59:17Hello?
00:59:18Hi, Linda.
00:59:19Hi, how are you?
00:59:21No, everything's fine.
00:59:22It's really, really good.
00:59:23Yeah, okay.
00:59:24Well, I will get that HVAC fixed, because it is important to me as well.
00:59:27Okay, have a great day.
00:59:30Ah!
00:59:31Work sucks and then you die!
00:59:36Let's mosh!
00:59:45Okay, everybody out!
00:59:49All right.
00:59:50Not you, Dad!
00:59:52Sorry?
00:59:53Mom, we've got what you're going through.
00:59:56Oh, really?
00:59:57Try living one day in my twisted reality.
01:00:00Raising two kids.
01:00:02Taking care of my aging parents.
01:00:04Life is a nightmare!
01:00:06Vision, blurry, nerve, pinched, pelvic floor on the ground.
01:00:14That's my life!
01:00:15Also, I forgot my NC password!
01:00:19God is dead!
01:00:22I know life is hard, Mom.
01:00:24We just miss you.
01:00:26Look, kids, I still am your mom and I love this family.
01:00:31And you want to know where I was tonight?
01:00:33Getting a tattoo of us.
01:00:36Really?
01:00:36So I'll always have you with me.
01:00:39Oh, my God!
01:00:40Oh, my God!
01:00:41That is so effective!
01:00:43Life is pain!
01:00:45Yeah!
01:00:46Yeah!
01:00:47Yeah!
01:00:49Yeah!
01:00:50Yeah!
01:00:51Yeah!
01:00:52Yeah!
01:00:53Yeah!
01:00:54Yeah!
01:00:54Yeah!
01:00:55Yeah!
01:00:55Yeah!
01:01:03All right, students, today is our masterclass with composers from the television industry.
01:01:08They've made opening title songs for some of today's biggest shows.
01:01:12Please welcome Leonard Margarita and Lydia Calabasas.
01:01:17Thank you so much.
01:01:18Thanks for having us.
01:01:19It's an honor and a privilege to be here at Juilliard.
01:01:21We love talking to young composers in the overture of their lives.
01:01:25Nice.
01:01:27So, you guys made the opening theme for Severance, one of the most iconic title songs of the decade.
01:01:33Let's hear a little bit.
01:01:44Haunting stuff.
01:01:46I'd love for you to tell us, where did it start?
01:01:48Well, we had some conversations about the story and the dark tone of the show.
01:01:53We took that and we made a first draft.
01:01:56Oh, well, we'd love to hear that first draft.
01:01:58Could you play it for us?
01:01:59Certainly.
01:02:02Let me tell you about a thing called Severance.
01:02:04They take a big knife to your brain in half.
01:02:06One half for work.
01:02:07One half for sex.
01:02:09Sit down.
01:02:09Tune in.
01:02:10It's Severance.
01:02:15Okay, um, anyone have any questions?
01:02:18Yeah, I don't know how to put this respectfully, so I guess I won't try.
01:02:22Why did you make that?
01:02:25These days, every opening song is a creepy, moody instrumental.
01:02:29What happened to telling people the plot of the show?
01:02:32What is the show?
01:02:34Where is the show?
01:02:35She was working at a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens.
01:02:39And boom, I'm transported to the nanny.
01:02:43But that's not the plot of Severance.
01:02:45Like, they don't take a big knife and chop your brain in half.
01:02:49Also, you said one half for work, one half for sex.
01:02:52That's not what Severance is.
01:02:55Permission to use corporal punishment on her?
01:02:59Unfortunately, no.
01:03:00You guys also did the opening for The Pit.
01:03:03Truly haunting.
01:03:04Um, I'd love to hear about that process.
01:03:06Well, it was pretty straightforward.
01:03:08The producers described a show about the trauma faced by ER workers in Pittsburgh.
01:03:13So we used that and came up with this.
01:03:17Pittsburgh is the place to be.
01:03:19A bridge is as far as the eye can see.
01:03:22A bridge, bridge, bridge, and bridge.
01:03:24Welcome to The Pit.
01:03:29Anyone have any questions on that?
01:03:32Does The Pit even have an opening theme?
01:03:35Uh, after they heard what we did, no.
01:03:39Why do these all sound like the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
01:03:43Oh, teach, please.
01:03:45Let me put belt to ass.
01:03:48I'm not the only one saying stuff.
01:03:50We actually did make the French, Fresh Prince song.
01:03:54And here's what the first draft of that sounded like.
01:04:00Wait, hold on.
01:04:02So that one started as a serious instrumental?
01:04:05Um, I have to say, your guys' best work was the opening theme for The Gilded Age,
01:04:10a show about New York in the 1880s.
01:04:12Let's hear a little bit of that.
01:04:16Yeah, this one actually gave us a little bit of trouble.
01:04:17So we brought in our mentor, Theotis McNamara.
01:04:21Mm-hmm.
01:04:23Indeed, indeed.
01:04:24Um, thank you for having me.
01:04:26I would like to, uh, show some love and, uh, show you our first draft.
01:04:31The theme song is loading.
01:04:33In the year 2153.
01:04:36In formation domination.
01:04:38All the roads are titanium.
01:04:40And robots are your friends.
01:04:42The Gilded Age.
01:04:43Yeah.
01:04:44All right.
01:04:45I'll take your questions now.
01:04:48So right off the bat, The Gilded Age isn't the year 2153.
01:04:52Oh, can someone please hit the girl sitting in front of him?
01:04:56I didn't even say anything.
01:04:59But I do have one more question.
01:05:01Well, better be good.
01:05:04My question is, I just would really love to hear the Severance song again.
01:05:10Oh.
01:05:12Let me tell you about a thing called Severance.
01:05:15They take a big knife, cut my brain, and have one half for work, one half for sex.
01:05:19Sit down, tune in.
01:05:20It's Severance.
01:05:22Yeah.
01:05:50Oh, my God.
01:05:58Happy anniversary to my parents, and happy birthday, friend.
01:06:02I love you all.
01:06:03Thank you so much for having me back again.
01:06:05It's always a dream of a lifetime to be here.
01:06:08Good night.
01:06:22Good night.
01:06:53Good night.
01:07:23Good night.
01:07:51Good night.
01:07:54Good night.
01:07:56Good night.