- 12 minutes ago
First broadcast 8th October 2004.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rich Hall
Jo Brand
Phil Kay
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rich Hall
Jo Brand
Phil Kay
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Hello, hello, and welcome to QI, the show which gives thoughts, wings, flies in the face of convention, and goes
00:08coo in the chimney of knowledge.
00:10Roosting alongside me this evening are Rich Hall, Phil Kay, Joe Brown, and Alan Davis.
00:22Now, before we sort the owls from the Orioles, let me introduce the QI Spot the Nostril competition.
00:28Your task tonight is to draw a picture of a kiwi, right?
00:33A bird so odd that some think it's a missing link between mammals and birds.
00:37Paying particular attention to the position of its nostrils, I will reward the best effort with a nest egg.
00:43You're staring at me with a kind of glassy look.
00:46You do know what a kiwi is?
00:47Yeah, I see one in New Zealand. They're nocturnal.
00:51So you have to go in the little kiwi zoo thing.
00:55And they have them in virtually every town.
00:57And there'll be someone's living room, and you'll go in, and there'll be a dark room, and a little glass
01:01thing.
01:02Oh.
01:06A national bird.
01:08It is the national bird.
01:09Never see it, can't fly. Rubbish.
01:12But your task, whether you choose to accept it or not, Jim, is to draw one.
01:17Alan.
01:17Alan, sorry.
01:19What's the national bird of England?
01:23I'll tell you what it is for women.
01:25Thrush.
01:32Do you know what it is for men?
01:34Cock.
01:38Sorted.
01:40Cock and thrash.
01:42Yes.
01:43Good name for a pub.
01:47There are pubs called the Cock Inn, aren't there?
01:50It's one of the odd jokes in Carry On, which is usually just saucy, where Charles Halter is playing a
01:55detective.
01:56And he's following Sid James in Carry On Loving, I think it is.
02:00And he's sort of saying, you know, went for lunch, went to pub at the Cock Inn, had drinks with
02:06two other women.
02:07Left Cock Inn.
02:09I mean, that implies you've got a left cock and a right cock.
02:14Left Cock Inn and your right cock.
02:18So, Cock, Thrush, Kiwi.
02:21I've got to draw all three of them.
02:22No.
02:23Forget the cock and the thrash.
02:25Just draw me a Kiwi pay particular attention to the nostrils and where they are on the bird.
02:29Imagine if your nostrils were just above your anus.
02:34That would be unpleasant.
02:37Good.
02:38Before we go any further, if you want to know how you sound.
02:40So, Joe, sing to me.
02:45Rich.
02:49Phil.
02:49Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
02:53Ooh, ooh, ooh.
02:56That's extraordinary.
02:59Hang on, hang on.
03:00I promise you Phil did not know that.
03:02Let's just say that again, make sure we weren't all having a hallucination.
03:07Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
03:08That's right.
03:09Rise and shine, good morning.
03:10It is extraordinary.
03:11And Alan goes...
03:13Fruity, fruity, fruity, fruity, fruity, fruity, fruity, fruity, fruity, fruity, fruity, fruity, fruity.
03:20There you are.
03:21Didn't guess that one, did you?
03:24A little voice in my ear just told me that the national bird of England is the European Robin, apparently.
03:30Exactly.
03:30So, let's head south for the winter.
03:32So, Alan, what's the difference between an ostrich and a lion?
03:37Why the stars?
03:38What's going on with the stars?
03:39Is that a clue?
03:40Well, it's a kind of clue to this right...
03:42An ostrich.
03:42Weird story.
03:43...is a flightless bird with a very long neck, runs about 40 miles an hour, lays big eggs...
03:50Correct.
03:50...and is edible, quite a delicacy.
03:52Farmed.
03:53Yes.
03:54A lion, king of the jungle, big cat, kill you with a single blow.
03:59There are many differences.
04:01Is there any particular difference you're thinking of, Sal?
04:05One of the most famous African explorers was the Scotsman...
04:09David Livingstone.
04:10David Livingstone, thank you, Phil.
04:11...and he wrote that I can distinguish between them with certainty...
04:16...this is by sound...
04:18...only by knowing that the ostrich roars by day and the lion roars by night.
04:23He described the idea that lions have an impressive roar as mere majestic twaddle...
04:27...and said that they sounded identical to ostriches.
04:30So, let's demonstrate that, all right?
04:32This is the sound of a lion.
04:35Is she?
04:36Yeah.
04:38And this is the sound of an ostrich.
04:48Yes.
04:48David Livingstone was a hard-working Scot.
04:50He was working in the mines.
04:51His ears were damaged.
04:52He couldn't be blamed for this.
04:54Let me feel that, actually, Stanley was rather lucky that when he said Dr Livingstone, I presume, he wasn't shot...
04:58...because he was mistaken for a leopard or something.
05:00If Siegfried and Roy had worked with ostriches instead of big cats, they'd probably still be working today.
05:06That's a very good thought.
05:07Although, Johnny Cash was attacked by an ostrich.
05:10Did you know that?
05:10I didn't.
05:11Yes.
05:12Very ferociously, yeah?
05:13Really?
05:13Never quite recovered.
05:15They can kick you.
05:16I saw one kick someone in the ghoulies on the telly the other day.
05:19Yes, I saw that as well.
05:20Yes, I did.
05:20You really caught intrigued.
05:23Do we get points just for being interesting?
05:26That's it?
05:27Yeah.
05:27You know that in some countries, linoleum is a form of currency.
05:32Well, that's interesting.
05:34Is it true, however?
05:36You said it was interesting, right?
05:40So, in fact, we have a question for you now, Young Rich.
05:42Explain how to French kiss a woodpecker.
05:47You would have to seduce it.
05:50You'd have to get it interested in you.
05:52Right.
05:52Put a toothpick in your mouth.
05:56Say nice things to it.
05:58Oh, that's nice plumage.
06:01And you give it a date rape drug.
06:05Should all else fail?
06:07Yes.
06:08Does French kissing mean kissing people with tongues?
06:11No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
06:12Yes.
06:13Sorry.
06:18Yes, with tongues.
06:19I thought that was very attractive.
06:22Why would anyone want...?
06:24They are very extraordinary things, woodpecker tongues.
06:26Let's have a look at a woodpecker tongue.
06:28You'll be astonished.
06:29There you go.
06:30Oh!
06:30It's one of the strangest things in nature.
06:33It's an amazing organ.
06:34It can extend to two-thirds of its body length.
06:36It's covered in sticky saliva, vicious barbs, and has an ear at the end of it.
06:43In which it can listen to its prey.
06:46So it uses the beak for pecking it to bark and making a hole.
06:49It's a ear at the end of its tongue.
06:50Well, a thing that detects sound.
06:52Sorry, can you say that again?
06:55Absolutely.
06:59How does it fit into its mouth, you may wonder?
07:01Well, it has to wrap it round its brain and to the back of its eye sockets.
07:04Funnily enough, woodpeckers are very popular on creationist websites, because they argue this
07:09is such an extraordinary creature designed, you know, so fit for its purpose and so on,
07:13that only a designer could have made it.
07:15It couldn't have evolved.
07:16Apart from anything else, when it moves, sometimes up to 15 or 16 times a second, it
07:20beats the wood to make a hole, which is incredibly fast, and generates immense forces.
07:25250 times more forces than an astronaut is subjected to.
07:28It's 1,000 Gs.
07:29And it has these extraordinary kind of little muscles and cartilages around its brain to
07:34sort of stop it from shattering.
07:36Well, if the peckers got wood, why go for tongue, you may argue.
07:39Sorry.
07:41But it is a pretty astonishing animal.
07:46Could we maybe have an offshoot of this programme called Quite Unnecessary?
07:53Can I be on that?
07:55Absolutely.
07:57I just can't quite see how different it would be.
08:00Anyway, so, Phil, time for you.
08:02Does your bird like chocolate?
08:04My bird?
08:05Yeah.
08:05Does she like chocolate?
08:06My bird likes chocolate, yes.
08:08It's very popular with...
08:10Have you got a bird, then?
08:11I don't know.
08:14Say you had a parrot, they'd like chocolate.
08:16Wouldn't they?
08:17Yeah, their hoot beaks great for getting right into the toffee.
08:20If you had a pelican, they don't like chocolate, they like toffee better.
08:24And if you have an owl, they quite like chocolate behind them, because then they can rotate.
08:29You know.
08:30They show off.
08:30They show off.
08:31If you give a crow a Malteser, it's like, no way.
08:35You know.
08:35So, my bird, no.
08:37You can't give animals chocolate, because it's got something in it that makes them depressed.
08:41Yeah, that's right.
08:42You can't give chocolate to a dog, because it's not right.
08:44And the dog...
08:44That's why you buy special chocolate for the dogs, which if you want to save money, you
08:48can still give the kids, tell them it's dusty and old.
08:49You know, like...
08:51You know, like...
08:52February chocolate.
08:52You know, Christmas chocolate's gone white and dusty.
08:54Oh, I've eaten dog chocolate.
08:56Have you eaten?
08:56Yes, I have.
08:57It's like a phrase, isn't it?
08:58I've eaten dog chocolate.
08:59It's different.
09:00Yes.
09:01Eat dog chocolate.
09:02So, no, my bird don't like chocolate.
09:03It's a website.
09:04No, my bird doesn't like chocolate.
09:05You're quite right.
09:06How many points does he get for that?
09:07Well, he's correct.
09:09He'll get some points, perhaps, from our scores, if they're in the mood.
09:13How good is their sense of taste, birds, do you imagine?
09:16Absolutely minimal.
09:18They've no need.
09:18It's a seed.
09:19I don't care.
09:19I get it in.
09:20Yeah, yeah.
09:21They only have about 20 or 30 taste buds on their tongue.
09:23They could never distinguish chocolate from anything else.
09:25I thought it was less than that, actually.
09:26Did you?
09:26Yeah.
09:27I thought it was 15 to 18.
09:31And humans have how many, would you say?
09:3425,000.
09:35It's about 9 or 10,000, something like that.
09:38Pretty close.
09:39But the new ones grow every five days.
09:41Every five days.
09:41They last about five days of taste buds.
09:44Of course, wouldn't they be able to tell what chocolate is, but it would be toxic.
09:48It would kill them.
09:49Kill them?
09:50Yeah, it's actually poisonous to us, but the lethal dose is quite high.
09:53You think if you have a whole tin of Quality Street, would that kill you?
09:55Yeah.
09:56About 22 pounds is the lethal dose for a human.
09:59That's nothing.
10:06Well, yeah.
10:07A little smarty would kill a small songbird, for example.
10:10That's quite accurate.
10:13You sick.
10:15A friend of mine had a hamster, and it wasn't very well, so my dad gave it a bit of
10:19brandy.
10:20Lord, what happened?
10:21Guess what happened next?
10:24Severe alcohol poisoning.
10:26Do I have alcohol poisoning?
10:28Oh, absolutely.
10:29Oh, dear.
10:30Is he better?
10:31Uh-huh.
10:33Go to bed.
10:34We'll see you in the morning.
10:35Get down in the shops.
10:36Get down in the shops.
10:37When I was a teenager, someone I know gave their dog LSD.
10:44They went to Glastonbury.
10:50I went into a friend's house, and at the top of the landing of their house, they had this
10:55sort of football, and in a merry mood, and it was an open window, and I kicked it through
10:59the window, very pleased, converted it.
11:00And I had never heard of these things that people who have hamsters have.
11:03They'd get a ball, and they had to kick them right out the window, and it'd bounce on
11:10it, and it'd gone all over the place.
11:12I felt absolutely awful.
11:13No, it survived.
11:14It seemed perfectly cheerful.
11:16Have you seen this?
11:18Woo-hoo!
11:20I bet you thought, God, that new ball I got for Christmas is bloody brilliant.
11:26It's a pity Bill Bailey's not here, actually.
11:29They had a dog.
11:30Bill's girlfriend used to take it to work in an old people's home, and it used
11:33to eat entire boxes of Daz, and it would eat pants as well, and sort of, like, clean
11:41them.
11:42You had a washing machine inside.
11:42I know.
11:43Two outs of white pants.
11:44The pants would come out of its bum.
11:46You'd have to go all clearly white.
11:48Yeah.
11:48Well-ish.
11:48Yeah.
11:49You wouldn't pop them straight on.
11:51That's true.
11:54That's probably true.
11:55We had a cat that could open the fridge.
11:57You'd lie in its back like that with its paws under the fridge, and then you'd yank it open.
12:01Really?
12:02Oh, yeah.
12:02And then he was in.
12:04And then he got the turkey out of the fridge, and had it half way to the cat flat before
12:07we found him.
12:09That's not Tom and Gerald, isn't it?
12:10And then he was eating it really fast at that while we were running towards him.
12:18He went to grab him, and he just jumped straight out the cat flat, hissing.
12:23So, now, what weighs six pounds, covers 18 square feet, and has to be changed once a month?
12:32Someone's got to do it.
12:33One of my sanitary towels.
12:38Sorry.
12:39Oh, Brian.
12:41Did you think everyone else was a bunch of deep in and say that?
12:44Yeah.
12:45I thought, I thought Alan might.
12:48Is that one of your sanitary towels out there?
12:50Do you have, like, wallpaper?
12:51Yes, I have embroidered ones.
12:52The William Morris rings.
12:53I get them specially made by a lady-in-waiting of the Queen.
12:59Um, outdoors?
13:00Oh, indoors.
13:00A flag.
13:02Something belonging to each and every one of us.
13:05Skin.
13:06Very good.
13:07Skin is the answer.
13:08The largest organ in the body.
13:11Maybe in your body.
13:14I've got a huge cock.
13:16I think we're fortunate enough.
13:22That's how predictable that was.
13:26You almost fell exactly into our trap.
13:29That counts as putting one foot into it, I reckon, so minus five to you.
13:33Um, yes, the skin.
13:34Extraordinary chap, the skin.
13:35There's a single square inch of skin.
13:37There are 20 feet of blood vessels.
13:39Just a single square inch of skin.
13:41Isn't that amazing?
13:421,300 nerve cells.
13:44Yep.
13:44And 100 sweat glands.
13:46And the cells of the human body are constantly being replaced.
13:48We lose about 50,000 cells a second.
13:53Yes.
13:54People get through around 900 skins in a lifetime.
13:57True facts.
13:58So, now.
13:59True facts.
13:59Here's a question.
14:00Does putting perfumed sachets in your drawers help conception?
14:06It will help conception, yes.
14:08How so?
14:08Because it will give a meadow-like feel to the bedroom and everyone will be relaxed and ha-ha-ha
14:12-ha.
14:12Woo!
14:13It will, but certainly in that sense, there's an even more direct sense, which is rather
14:17astonishing.
14:19Lavender?
14:20Is it to do with lavender?
14:21It's not actually lavender.
14:22It's a very particular flower.
14:22The lily of the valley.
14:24It helps your sperm count.
14:26Err, it's even weirder than that.
14:28Err, sperm can smell.
14:31Sperm can smell whether you've got clean underwear on or not.
14:34And if you have it, it will come out to play.
14:37Well, they can certainly smell, erm, the smell of lily of the valley.
14:42Okay?
14:43Someone's sitting in a lab somewhere with sperm going, now, here's something.
14:51Do you know what?
14:52There'll be people alive because of that research in a few years' time.
14:56You have great faith in science.
14:58The thing is, right, is that the only people that wear, that smell of lily of the valley
15:03are like old ladies, aren't they?
15:05Yes, it's a yardly fragrance, isn't it?
15:07It is yardly.
15:08If you're an old lady, wahey!
15:11I'm quite looking forward to it now.
15:14You'll have sperm chasing you down the bookies.
15:19See, it has long been a mystery as to how sperm can all go in the same direction,
15:22so fast at the same thing, and whether or not the ovum puts out a scent trail.
15:27The closest we've got to discovering, I say we, or German scientists at Ruhr University,
15:32have got to replicating it is this particular scent called Borgiona,
15:36which is the one that's used in the lily of the valley.
15:37They've tried other smells.
15:38They've tried thousands of others.
15:40And this one makes them absolutely align and race towards them.
15:43And they're going to be using it in motility clinics.
15:46Now, here's the thing.
15:47You have to work out what I'm talking about here.
15:48Two brothers, all right?
15:49Two brothers, they have a variety stage actor.
15:53One brother punches a member of the audience on stage,
15:56and the other brother is arrested.
15:59Why would that be?
16:00Two brothers are doing a variety act.
16:04Ah!
16:04They're Siamese twins.
16:06You're absolutely right.
16:07Give them a full maximum point.
16:10Zhang and Eng Bunker was the name they eventually gave themselves.
16:14And they are why conjoined twins are called Siamese twins,
16:17because they came from Siam and got on the boats to America
16:20where they made some money as a sort of entertainment act.
16:23I mean, they lived till the age of 63.
16:25They each married one of a pair of sisters and had 21 children between them.
16:31Yeah, I know.
16:32It's hard to imagine, isn't it?
16:33It does instantly.
16:34The mind tries to conjure a scene of how it worked.
16:37How many cocks did they have?
16:37All right.
16:38No, they were just joined at the Tommy.
16:39They had one each.
16:40One each?
16:40Yes, they did.
16:42They were not joined at the cock, which would be most unfortunate.
16:46They got on incredibly well.
16:48Though they did actually, on that boat journey from Siam,
16:50they had a fight about it.
16:52One of them wanted a cold bath and the other didn't.
16:53And the crew and the captain had to sort of...
16:55Separate them.
16:59Separate them.
17:00Had to placate them.
17:01Throw a bucket of cold wash over them.
17:03The one on the left looks really serious.
17:05He was a straight man.
17:09Well, actually, one of them took to drink and the other didn't.
17:12But their systems are pretty independent, so...
17:13Imagine that, your twin pissed.
17:15That one will get in your eyes.
17:16I love you.
17:20Chang, perhaps, not unnaturally as a drinker, died first.
17:24And Eng woke up one morning to discover his brother had died.
17:28He gave a great howl of despair.
17:31And they ran to fetch Doctor to try and separate him from his dead twin.
17:35And they came back and he'd coiled himself round his twin.
17:38And died within an hour of this.
17:41And the post-mortem revealed that it was really just...
17:44In its day, it was called kind of a broken heart, but it was a sort of nervous shock.
17:47He had no reason to die.
17:48A lot of comedy teams have broken up and they've done very well solo.
17:54Thank you for that tender remark.
17:58I'm feeling much better about deformity now we've talked it through.
18:02Yeah, absolutely.
18:03They had a genuine dignity, though.
18:06There we are.
18:06What happened was, of course, that Cheng, who was the brother who landed the punch, the one who, of course,
18:12later became alcoholic, was guilty of common assault.
18:15But the judge decided it would amount to false imprisonment to jail the other one, so he set them both
18:19free.
18:20So, there's some advantage there, in being conjoined twins.
18:23Licence to whack people.
18:24So, on to our own version of this barbaric ritual that we call QI, and that's the general ignorance round.
18:30Fingers on buzzers for this, please.
18:31What is the loudest thing in the ocean?
18:35The blue whale.
18:36Blue whale?
18:37Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
18:39The song of the blue whale is nothing as loud as this.
18:42You can hear it for 10,000 miles.
18:44Another whale can hear it, but it's not actually in amplitude, the loudest thing, in fact.
18:51Yes.
18:52Must it not mean the sea itself?
18:54Ah.
18:55No.
18:58At least not, I mean, it's a cool crab.
19:00It's not smaller.
19:02Some sort of vibrating thing.
19:05Well, no, you're doing exactly what Alan is doing.
19:07He's exactly right.
19:08What I am doing is exactly right.
19:11Imagine a trillion things with little claws.
19:13Spanish dancers doing this.
19:16Crayfish.
19:17Lobsters.
19:17Lobsters.
19:18Smaller.
19:19Shrimps.
19:20They're the loudest thing in the ocean.
19:22Yeah.
19:22Oh, it's quiet down there, isn't it?
19:24It's called the shrimp lair, and there are trillions of them.
19:27And they do this at the same time, and it's not actually the claws banging together that
19:32makes the noise, it's the bubble of air popping that is created by this very fast thing.
19:36It comes out at 30 feet per second, this thing, and then it pops.
19:40And it can keep people awake.
19:41If they come inland quite near the coast, it can keep whole communities awake at night.
19:45Trillions of them, though.
19:45I mean, really vast.
19:46They can white out a submarine's sonar and deafen the operators through their headphones.
19:52Subs below the lair can hear absolutely nothing above it, and subs above it can hear nothing below it.
19:57And they're floating in the water.
19:58Yes.
19:59You can only hear by raising a mast through them.
20:01So, now, next question.
20:02What's more likely, being killed by lightning or by an asteroid?
20:08Fruity, fruity, fruity!
20:11Lightning!
20:13Oh, dear.
20:17No one's ever been killed by an asteroid.
20:19That's rubbish.
20:20Prove it.
20:24No, only enough.
20:25I mean, I think it's a rather unfair, but because you answered it.
20:26In the UK, you are more likely to be struck by an asteroid, but in America, it's more likely to
20:32be struck by lightning.
20:33This is research into NEOs, near Earth objects, as they're called, estimates that a large one strikes us once every
20:39million years.
20:40The resulting death toll is likely to be in excess of a billion.
20:42So, the chances of you dying are one in six million in any year.
20:47That has never happened!
20:49No, but it's going to happen pretty soon.
20:51No, it won't.
20:52Well, more than two kilometres wide is all the asteroid needs to be.
20:55And we've seen certainly craters which show there have been ones much wider than that.
20:58And it's due at any moment.
21:00Where would you like it to land?
21:02I'd like it to land.
21:03Wherever it lands, it's like hundreds and hundreds of atom bombs. It's going to destroy everybody.
21:07Yorkshire.
21:08Yorkshire!
21:10They wouldn't mind.
21:11They'd just be delighted it didn't land in Lancashire.
21:16Ah, it'd come to Yorkshire.
21:19Most people are struck by lightning on golf courses, right?
21:22I believe that's true, yes.
21:23My aunt got struck by lightning on the golf course.
21:27You have that.
21:27Oh, you aren't! I'm sorry.
21:29I said so.
21:29I said so.
21:31Yeah.
21:33I said so.
21:35I said so.
21:37I said so.
21:37I said so.
21:37I said so.
21:38I said so.
21:38That too.
21:39She had a pet aunt.
21:40My aunt.
21:43She got stuck between the first and second holes.
21:47Oh.
21:48Very careless.
21:49Something in her stance.
21:53Now, where do camels come from?
21:57That's my next question.
21:58Over there.
22:02Usually, out of the shimmering, mirage-y horizon.
22:06True.
22:07And over there, you may be pointing in the right direction, actually.
22:09I can't quite tell whether to give you the points or not.
22:10Where do they originate from?
22:11Oh, Africa.
22:13Africa.
22:13Yeah.
22:18Europe.
22:19Europe, did you say?
22:20Yes.
22:20Not Europe.
22:20Not Europe.
22:21No.
22:22But that wasn't a forfeit one for some reason.
22:24Asia.
22:25Asia, did you say?
22:26Oh, what?
22:27You're desperate for those points, aren't you?
22:29Yeah.
22:30Is it in Australia?
22:30No, it's not Australian, really.
22:33America.
22:34Yay!
22:35Well done.
22:35You've got some points back.
22:36Really?
22:37No.
22:37Yep.
22:38They did.
22:38They did.
22:40Cigarettes, maybe.
22:41Like horses and dogs.
22:44No, the fact is, like horses and dogs, camels grew up in the grasslands of America 20 million
22:49years ago.
22:50Rubbish.
22:51Fair enough.
22:53Fair enough.
22:53Oh, but the land masses would have been adjoined.
22:56Well, Bering Strait was land, then, exactly.
22:59In those days, they were more like giraffes, or gazelles, in fact.
23:03Yeah, the camel is the only other mammal, apart from humans, that smokes.
23:07They'll actually smoke a cigarette and enjoy it.
23:09Oh.
23:10What about beagles?
23:11The camel handlers give them a puff and they...
23:13Not beagles hate it.
23:15No.
23:16And they inhale and exhale smoke.
23:18What did you do?
23:19I totally made that up as rubbish.
23:23But it was quite a good one, and it got you going.
23:25It did get you going.
23:27Well, they became extinct in North America during the last Ice Age, and unlike horses
23:31and dogs, haven't made it back there, except in zoos.
23:34Um, so, next question.
23:35Why are flamingos pink?
23:38Um, it's what they eat.
23:39Which is?
23:41Shrimps.
23:41Oh, jeez.
23:43Oh, jeez.
23:43Oh, jeez.
23:43Oh, jeez.
23:43Oh, jeez.
23:45Oh, jeez.
23:46You really didn't know that, did you?
23:48You really, you really were shocked by that one.
23:50What a chance is it that?
23:51Now, they do.
23:51They eat something that...
23:52They do.
23:53It is food, but it's so not...
23:54It's so not shrimps.
23:55It's actually, oddly enough, blue-green algae.
23:57They stand on one leg, because if they stood on...
23:59If they lifted the other one, they'd fall down.
24:01And their legs would rot, so they have to change them, otherwise their leg would rot.
24:06Oh, is that right?
24:07No, I made that up as well, but I'm doing quite well.
24:10I've made twice, I made you go, is that right?
24:12No, I'm sorry.
24:14Despite the name blue-green algae, as well as containing green chlorophyll,
24:18is rich in blue and red pigments, so it blooms often red.
24:22Violent brown, yellow, even orange.
24:24So, from one silly bill to another, artists, we need to see your kiwis and judge accordingly.
24:30So, go ahead and start with this end.
24:32Yeah.
24:33What I have here is a sequential drawing of the nostril itself, there in situ,
24:37and here, shedding, sneezing.
24:38So, as a flip of early movie footage, it's...
24:41Achoo!
24:44I've drawn the assembly instructions for a kiwi.
24:49Like you'd buy at IKEA.
24:51And this is where you screw on the beak, in C.
24:55With a Phillips head screw.
24:57And that's the completed project.
24:58Right, okay.
25:00Very good.
25:00Jo?
25:01I just sort of did colouring in.
25:03Oh, that's so beautiful, though.
25:08Have you got the nostrils at the end of this crest?
25:10I have.
25:12We did discover, didn't we, in an earlier round, that birds have no taste.
25:14Erm.
25:15It's fair.
25:18No.
25:20It's very charming.
25:23Excellent.
25:23So, Alan, let's have a look at yours.
25:25Oh, yes.
25:26There, I've done him.
25:27Now, that's him with his shades on.
25:30Yeah.
25:31No.
25:31Even though it's night.
25:33Yeah.
25:34Well, it wouldn't matter.
25:35No.
25:35And his nostrils are on the end of his beak for sniffing.
25:39Well, that's extraordinary.
25:40Whether through some random act, or whether through brilliance, you've got it absolutely
25:44spot on.
25:44That is very nice to work.
25:46The very end from the beak.
25:48Oh, my God.
25:52Oh, my God.
25:56Officially, you measure a bird's bill from the tip to the nostril.
26:00Why would you want to do that?
26:01Well, that's...
26:02I don't quite.
26:02You want to measure it.
26:03So, officially, the kiwi has the shortest bill of all birds.
26:08Anyway, it frequently gets clogged up its little nostrils, but they're very good
26:12sneezers.
26:13Yeah.
26:13So, let's count our chickens.
26:15And the final scores are, in first place, with a proud three points, it's Rich.
26:24And in second place, in second place with one point, it's Phil.
26:31In third place, with minus eight, it's Joe.
26:38For the proud and flourishing last, with minus 40, it's Alan.
26:49Let me leave you with one very extraordinary bird tale.
26:53Tibbles, the lighthouse keeper's cat, arrived on tiny Stevens Island in New Zealand at the
26:59beginning of the last century.
27:00And soon, piles of small bird corpses began piling up by the back door.
27:05And the puzzled lighthouse keeper sent off some samples and was delighted to learn that Tibbles had discovered a new
27:12species.
27:13The only flightless perching bird in the world ever recorded.
27:18But it was unfortunately too late.
27:19By the time the news arrived, Tibbles had tracked down and killed every last example of what is now known
27:25as the Stevens Island wren.
27:26It's the only case of a single individual wiping out every member of a whole species.
27:33On that note, from Joe, Rich, Phil, Alan and myself, good night.
27:36Thank you, guys.
27:37.
27:37.
27:38.
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