- 15 hours ago
First broadcast 24th December 2010.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Lee Mack
Graham Norton
Daniel Radcliffe
Scott Penrose
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Lee Mack
Graham Norton
Daniel Radcliffe
Scott Penrose
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Oh, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, God rest ye merry ladies and gentlemen and welcome to QI's Christmas party to
00:11celebrate this most magical time of the year. We've conjured up a show absolutely heaving with hocus pocus, waving their
00:19fairy wands tonight are the bewitching Graham Norton.
00:30The mysterious Lee Mack, the wizardly Daniel Radcliffe, and, of course, my glamorous assistant, Alan Davis.
00:57So, release your incantations, gentlemen. Graham goes...
01:03Hey, presto!
01:05Very nice. Lee goes...
01:08Abracadabra.
01:09Daniel goes...
01:11Expelliarmus!
01:14And Alan goes...
01:15Please!
01:18That was the magic word, wasn't it?
01:21Yes.
01:22So, let's get busy with our first question. What is the oldest trick in the book?
01:27Can we take these off now?
01:28You can take them off if you're hot.
01:29I thought I was going to have a sudden desire to sort out my pension.
01:33So, what is the oldest trick in the book?
01:37Abracadabra.
01:38Debbie McGee.
01:39Oh!
01:42Shame on you, Lee Mack!
01:47Oh!
01:48It's Christmas as well, isn't it?
01:50It is, yeah.
01:50Was that charitable?
01:51Not really.
01:52I'll take that back.
01:53Okay.
01:54Is it an ancient Greek book?
01:55It's even older.
01:57Ooh.
01:57Egyptian?
01:58Egyptian is the right answer.
02:00I think I might have...
02:01You might know this?
02:02It was about a man called Deddy.
02:03Deddy?
02:04How do you know about Deddy?
02:05You're right.
02:05He was a man who did the first magic trick, which was, I think, a decapitation of a goose.
02:13You're right.
02:14And tore it off and did it to impress the king.
02:17And it's in an ancient scroll.
02:20It is?
02:20Which I do know the name of.
02:21I think I do.
02:22Yeah, go on.
02:23The Westcar Papyrus.
02:25The Westcar Papyrus.
02:26This man is brilliant.
02:28How incredible!
02:34I should say, you know, I have had...
02:36Do they teach?
02:37Yes, they do.
02:38There is a certain amount of...
02:38They teach this in ancient wizardry at Hogwarts.
02:40Yes, they do.
02:41Absolutely, yes.
02:42I don't want you to...
02:42This is going to be a very short show.
02:45Next class, don't come on.
02:46I'm just...
02:47I'm not about...
02:48I'm not about the jokes.
02:49It's all about points for me.
02:50It's all about points.
02:51I'm here to win.
02:51I like this idea that when you get cast as Harry Potter, they give you a crash course
02:55and there's much wizardry as they possibly can.
02:58And then you just top it off with a bit of acting at the end.
03:01That's pretty much it.
03:02What part of pulling your goose's head off is a trick?
03:05Well, no, sorry, sorry.
03:06Yes, and then restored it.
03:08That's the point.
03:08Oh, that's the key.
03:09Yes, that's the trick.
03:10That's the point.
03:10The old two geese in my bag trick.
03:14Has to find new geese every week.
03:17He did it for King Cheops in 2600 BC.
03:20The Great Pyramid of Giza was the Cheops.
03:24I think Cheops is going, seen it.
03:28He did a goose, as you rightly say.
03:29Then he did a duck and then he moved on to an ox
03:31and he would wrench their heads off and then they would be restored.
03:34But you may say, I want to see this trick.
03:36If this really exists, I want to see it.
03:37And that's the point.
03:38It is the oldest trick in the book because it's recorded then,
03:41all that time ago, happening nearly 5,000 years ago,
03:44but it's still done today.
03:46And do you know what?
03:47We have a magician who's going to come on
03:49and show you that trick.
03:51All right?
03:52So, but first, ladies and gentlemen, it's Christmas time.
03:55We have to summon him.
03:56His name?
03:57His name is Scott.
03:59So let's say, Accio Scott.
04:01All right?
04:01He was also a mystical till then, wasn't he?
04:03His name is Scott.
04:07It's a fine name.
04:08He's Scott Penrose.
04:08He's the Vice President of the Magic Circle.
04:11So, after 3, 2, 1, we get Accio Scott.
04:14We get 3, 2, 1.
04:16Accio Scott!
04:18Whoa!
04:19Oh my God!
04:21He wasn't there and then he was there!
04:23What happened?
04:25It's magic, Lee.
04:26Isn't it wonderful?
04:27Scott, welcome.
04:28Lovely to see you, sir.
04:29So, I believe you can do the daddy trick that Dan told us about.
04:33Yes, indeed.
04:34Would you like to do, please, with your...
04:35Well, we'll give it a go with Norman.
04:36We'll just give him a little bit of a...
04:39Oh, no!
04:40Ow!
04:41There we go.
04:41Just pop his head back on.
04:43Dump!
04:44There he goes.
04:45Brilliant.
04:49Time to go.
04:51I think...
04:52The sensational Scott Penrose, ladies and gentlemen.
04:57There you are.
05:00The oldest trick in the book.
05:02I think the other...
05:03The other thing, I think, about that trick is that it's the first time a trick was done that was
05:08purely a trick.
05:09And that wasn't done as a, you know, something, some supernatural power was involved in it.
05:14That was the first thing that was written down as a trick.
05:16As a trick, right.
05:17Yeah.
05:17I can do the first half of that trick.
05:20It's really tricky to second half.
05:22I practice, I practice, but...
05:23It just won't go back on.
05:24It just won't go back on at all.
05:25There's blood everywhere, and my wife's screaming.
05:28Children are running out of the house.
05:29Where's our budgie?
05:30It's horrible.
05:31But was it a trick?
05:33I mean, so...
05:34It was really the very first trick ever.
05:37Well, that we know of.
05:38It's written down.
05:39Surely people did pull my finger before that.
05:43Maybe.
05:45The oldest trick in the book involved putting the heads off Egyptian animals.
05:48So, what might go wrong if you tried to catch a bullet in your teeth?
05:53I say.
05:55Is that Yulee?
05:55That's a good-looking lad.
05:57Who ever they...
05:59Is the danger that you will end up turning into one of Britain's top light entertainers?
06:06Oh, so charming.
06:08There is something about your teeth get knocked out, isn't there?
06:10Well, there is that danger.
06:11I would imagine if you were really...
06:12I mean, how does the trick work?
06:14Do you think someone fires a gun into your face?
06:15No, but is there something about the...
06:17If you don't open your mouth properly, then the bullet would break your teeth from the other side?
06:20Because presumably the bullet comes from inside the mouth.
06:22It's secreted in your mouth in some fashion.
06:24Yeah, but there are other dangers, and there have been disasters in the past.
06:28In 1869, Dr. Epstein, who was a magician, and he used to tamp the gun down with the end of
06:33his wand, you know, in this sort of magical fashion.
06:35And he left a tiny bit of the wand in, and so he had the bullet in his mouth, and
06:39when his assistant fired the gun, the bit of the wand went out and killed him.
06:43So that can happen.
06:44But it must have been amazing being in the audience.
06:46You know, God, this is good!
06:47How?
06:48What's going to happen now?
06:49A bit of blood spreading from the back of his neck!
06:52Well, there was a man called Raoul Curran in 1880 who made the mistake of doing the trick in the
06:56Wild West.
06:57The drunk fellow said, oh, if you can stumble and stab this one, and just shot him straight in the
07:03head.
07:04He walked in the forehead and killed him, stone dead.
07:07It sort of serves him right, though.
07:08Yeah.
07:09It's a heck of a heckle.
07:10It is a rubbish trick, isn't it?
07:12Everyone who watches it must go, the bullet was in his mouth.
07:15Well, it's going through.
07:16There's not one bit where you go, I wonder if he caught the bullet.
07:18There are some amazing ones, like Penn and Teller do a really, like, it's frightening, and they get the bullet
07:25from the audience.
07:25And it really does, I mean, I know it's a trick, but I do still do it.
07:27Yeah, you're right, and Penn and Teller are amongst the best.
07:29There was, I remember, there was a bloke who disemboweled himself.
07:33I think quite early on in the days of conjuring tricks, they were all fairly sort of gruesome things, like
07:39beheading.
07:40The way it would work, you'd have, I think you'd have kind of a sheep's intestines, and a prosthetic chest
07:46and stomach.
07:47Yeah.
07:47And then behind all of that, you'd put a metal plate, and the guy did it one night and he
07:53forgot to put the metal plate in.
07:54Oh!
07:55Ended up going straight through himself and then dying.
07:59No, no, no, it's not funny, but true.
08:00Yes.
08:02That's important.
08:03You'll never make that mistake again.
08:05No, he won't.
08:06He won't.
08:07There was a Chinese performer called Chung Leong Su, and he wasn't Chinese.
08:11His real name was Robinson, but William Robinson.
08:14But he performed under Chung Leong Su and only spoke a sort of Cod Chinese, never spoke English on stage
08:19ever, until a terrible moment when he did the trick with it.
08:25And the bullet or the fragment went into him and killed him, and he spoke English.
08:30He said, oh God, something's gone wrong.
08:33Close the curtain.
08:34Those were his last lines.
08:36Do you reckon there's a real magician called Chung Leong Su in China that goes under the name of Bob
08:40Robinson?
08:42And he'll only speak Cod English.
08:44Pick a card.
08:45Any card you like.
08:47Pick a card.
08:49Pick a card.
08:53That's when it went wrong, yeah?
08:54Yeah, exactly.
08:55I've got you.
08:56Anyway, yeah, if you are tempted to catch a bullet in your teeth, don't.
09:00You should, in fact, just probably disappear as fast as possible.
09:02But first, describe the Great Lafayette's last and greatest disappearing act.
09:09There is the Great Lafayette.
09:11You've probably not heard of him.
09:13No.
09:14What is he?
09:14Even though he was the most successful entertainer in Britain.
09:17Did he make his giant horse disappear?
09:22Turn into a dog?
09:24A lazy dog.
09:25Is that a motor vehicle?
09:26It's an early motor vehicle, yes.
09:28He was sold out ten years in advance.
09:30That's how successful he was.
09:31He earned £44,000 a year, which is the equivalent of about two and three-quarter million pounds a year.
09:37He was hugely successful.
09:38Incredibly famous.
09:39He was kind of the Liberace of his day.
09:41He wore diamonds.
09:42And that dog you see there was given to him by Houdini and was called Beauty.
09:47And he had a private railway carriage, and so did Beauty.
09:50And Beauty had a little porcelain bath and his own china and crystal.
09:55Yeah, bit camp.
09:56I agree.
09:57And then Beauty died, not surprisingly, being overfed.
10:00And he insisted that he was embalmed and buried.
10:06And they said at the cemetery, well, only if you promise to be buried there as well, because it's a
10:10human cemetery.
10:11And so he said yes.
10:12And four days later he did die.
10:13A lamp got upturned and the stage caught on fire and the audience thought it was part of the trick.
10:18And by the time they realised it was a disaster, eleven people had burned to death.
10:21And including, and this incidentally is not funny, a midget in a mechanical bear suit.
10:29I'm sure I preface that with it isn't funny.
10:34Anyway, it's just so...
10:36How long do you pee a sick?
10:38Sick.
10:39Anyway, they found his body, cremated it the bits that weren't already cremated, obviously.
10:44And then they pulled the theatre down where this disaster had happened and they found another body.
10:48And they realised from the diamonds on the ring that that was in fact the great Lafayette.
10:54They buried the wrong man?
10:55Yeah, they buried the wrong man.
10:56So he'd been burned and buried and then he'd been magically restored as another dead body.
11:01That's very, very good.
11:02It is good, it's a good trick.
11:04That's very good.
11:04Yeah.
11:05What did they do?
11:05Did they...
11:06They had to get rid of the old one.
11:08It's beauty, I feel sorry.
11:09Yeah, I know.
11:10In the afterlife going, who are you?
11:13Anyway, yes, you can go to Pierce Hills Cemetery to this day and you can see the great Lafayette,
11:18who was, now sadly forgotten, but in his day the most popular performer.
11:22I'm more saddened about the poor other guy.
11:23What happened to him?
11:24We've all forgotten about that.
11:25Well, the thing is, you see, the reason is, part of his magic thing was that he would appear
11:28and disappear very, very quickly because he had a lot of stand-ins, doubles, who were exactly like him.
11:33So he would, like, go off stage and then suddenly still be on stage.
11:36It's because his stand-in in the same costume had gone and he just was very, very good at that,
11:41which is why one of the stand-ins had been buried in his dead, I suppose.
11:44Oh.
11:44So, the great Lafayette's final trick was to turn up intact three days after being cremated.
11:49Now, from testing spells, you'll like this, to spelling tests.
11:53Oh, that's good.
11:54Yes.
11:55I before E, fingers on buzzers, accepting after...
11:58Please!
11:59C.
12:00Oh!
12:01E!
12:02E!
12:03E!
12:03No, that just isn't a rule.
12:05And why isn't it a rule?
12:07Because of...
12:08Because of words were...
12:09Words were not.
12:10Yeah.
12:11E becomes before I after C.
12:12Because of the exceptions to the rule.
12:13Because there are more exceptions to the rule than the rule itself by quite a long way.
12:17Who's counted?
12:17Ceiling!
12:18They've been counted.
12:19Would you like to know?
12:20A ceiling one?
12:20God.
12:21Yeah.
12:21Yeah.
12:22There are 923 English words that have a C-I-E in them.
12:27Do we have to name them all?
12:29No.
12:30You're let off.
12:30But name some.
12:31Happy New Year.
12:32Ceiling!
12:32No, that's C-E-I.
12:34Oh.
12:37The hot...
12:38The...
12:38C-E-I?
12:39That's what you said?
12:39No.
12:40No.
12:40No.
12:40No.
12:40No.
12:40No.
12:40No.
12:41No.
12:53No.
12:55No.
12:56No.
12:56The rule is, it should be C-E-I, according to that.
13:00C-E-I.
13:00Oh, but you're saying...
13:01C is wrong.
13:02There are 923 examples.
13:04I know one, which it isn't.
13:05Yeah.
13:05Ceiling.
13:06That's not one.
13:07No!
13:08Ceiling isn't one.
13:09No!
13:09Ceiling isn't one of the ones you're looking for.
13:11Yes.
13:11I want the ones I am looking for.
13:12That's right.
13:13So I will repeat the answer when I say not ceiling.
13:15Lee, I'm looking for the ones I'm looking for.
13:17You're looking for the ones you're looking for.
13:19Yes.
13:19Ceiling?
13:21Right.
13:22That may explode at any minute.
13:24C-E-E.
13:25Receipt is C-E-I-E.
13:27Yeah, those are the ones that conform to the rule.
13:29Okay, the rule is looking pretty good right now, because...
13:32Glacier?
13:34Species?
13:34Yes, well, yes.
13:35But now I know them, and I didn't think I knew anything.
13:37Yeah.
13:38Yes.
13:38The point is there are lots and lots and lots.
13:40These are ones with E-I without the C in front, obviously, as well as the C-E, concierge.
13:45Oh, you don't even have to have a C in it now.
13:46That's the end.
13:47No, they're E-I.
13:48Are you incapable of a rational thought?
13:53You cannot be that stupid.
13:55You really cannot be that stupid.
13:57Stephen, can I just say, you really are going to have to work on your Bruce Forsythe thought.
14:02Are you really capable of a rational thought?
14:04I mean, really.
14:05This is not the same question again.
14:06This is Q-I.
14:07Are you a human being?
14:08I don't think you are.
14:09No, no.
14:10Work it out.
14:11These words don't count.
14:12They're not even English words.
14:14Well...
14:14You can't have Hacienda and concierge.
14:16Yeah, but there are...
14:17The point is there are 21 times as many words that break the rule than don't.
14:21However, if you want to spell ceiling...
14:23If you want to spell ceiling...
14:24Or receipt.
14:26Or conceit.
14:27Or deceit.
14:27Or deceit.
14:28Yeah.
14:29But if you want to spell veil and weird...
14:33Yeah, but there's no C in them.
14:34No.
14:37It's I before E every time except after C.
14:39But in we're...
14:41That's the point.
14:41Oh, I see.
14:42Yeah.
14:42There exists.
14:46You cannot be that stupid.
14:49He said it and you're looking at me.
14:50You don't.
14:52Do I get to blame for his stupidity?
14:54I've got my own, thank you.
14:57Wow.
14:58Daniel, you're the only person on this show who isn't a complete idiot.
15:00Yeah.
15:02That's the dumb trick.
15:03I'm not...
15:04I'm not...
15:04I'll show you I am.
15:05Anyway, see...
15:05That's why I'm keeping so quiet.
15:07That's why I'm keeping so quiet at this moment.
15:09It's because I'm actually kind of on Lee's wavelength.
15:11But I know I don't want to get a bollocking this evening.
15:13Oh, I'm sorry.
15:14He's got I before E.
15:16Is that right?
15:17Dan...
15:18Who?
15:18Daniel.
15:19Daniel.
15:20How do you spell Daniel?
15:21Because it should be I before E.
15:22Yeah, but you can't, you can't...
15:24Can we count...
15:25Can we count proper names?
15:26What about my surname?
15:27Am I spelling that right?
15:28There's an I and an E in that?
15:30It's I before E always.
15:31Yeah, always.
15:32According to the rule...
15:33Yeah, but the rule's wrong, Stephen.
15:34But the rule is wrong.
15:35What?
15:35Yes, it's now officially no longer taught in schools.
15:38Because it is so clear.
15:40Oh, really?
15:40Is it not at all taught in schools?
15:41Yeah, it's not taught in schools.
15:42So the rule now is it's I before E or sometimes it's E before I.
15:46Mostly...
15:47Mostly after C, it's IE.
15:49If you doubt, look it up, you lazy git.
15:52I before E is set for the following, 923.
15:56And then you're real them all up.
15:57I'm E, thank God for the spell check.
15:59I'm slightly...
16:00Ceiling.
16:06I am...
16:07Number two, red ceiling.
16:09Three blue ceilings.
16:10Help it, lads.
16:11I'm running out of colours.
16:13I am slightly shocked by my intolerance, and you'll have to forgive me, but I think we've managed to get
16:18it through.
16:19The spelling trick I before E is wrong on so many occasions that schools have stopped teaching it.
16:24That's enough of lessons.
16:25It's playtime, you'll be pleased to know.
16:27I'm very pleased to know.
16:28In which game is it the aim to throw a ball like this into a goal like this?
16:35Quidditch.
16:36Ah.
16:37No.
16:39I thought it had to be.
16:40Come on, are you?
16:41No, this is from a genuine, real-life, world sport.
16:45Eh, Aztecs.
16:47No, but that's...
16:48You know, I mean, it isn't...
16:50It's...
16:50Mexicans.
16:51It's not Mexicans.
16:51Are we looking for nationality or a game name?
16:53It's actually a French game, and it's actually rather recent.
16:561970 it was invented.
16:57It's very similar to Quidditch.
16:59It has a goal almost identical to a Quidditch goal.
17:02In Quidditch, what do you travel on?
17:04A broomstick.
17:05A broomstick.
17:05This is...
17:06Very painful.
17:06Yeah, but that is special effects, isn't it?
17:08Yeah, yeah.
17:09It's not real.
17:09It's very, very painful.
17:10Is it painful?
17:11So why is it painful?
17:12Can I just say that this is a little bit further.
17:13My questions are, what is IB4, he sets up to sea.
17:16It wasn't your question.
17:17How do you do for a living?
17:18How do you fly around in Quidditch?
17:20What are the rules here?
17:21No, that wasn't the question.
17:22That was just simply me asking him.
17:23I'm not getting points for this.
17:24No, no, he's not.
17:25What's kind of odd is that if you catch the snitch, which is a ball in the film, you win
17:30automatically.
17:31Yeah.
17:31That team wins.
17:32So you could win straight away.
17:33So it doesn't matter how many points you score with the other ball.
17:35Yeah.
17:35It does seem unsatisfactory in that respect.
17:38It's almost like it's not B4 regulated, isn't it?
17:41And also, how far you can go away from where you're playing the Quidditch.
17:45That's true, I hadn't thought of that.
17:46That annoys me.
17:47Yeah.
17:47What's my other pick?
17:49I'm sorry, you know.
17:50Just to return to this one.
17:51This is called Horseball, and it's played not on broomsticks, but on horses.
17:56And we have some footage of it being played.
17:58There it is.
17:59So it's like a sort of polo, only in the air.
18:01Look how popular it is.
18:02Look at the crowd.
18:03You grab it.
18:03Goal.
18:06And there you are.
18:08Through there.
18:08That's a goal.
18:09Wow.
18:10That would be only interesting if only the horses were allowed to catch.
18:14But that's actually in itself, apparently, based on or at least very closely related to a game called Pato.
18:19Pato being the Spanish for duck.
18:22Instead of having a ball, they would have a little basket with a live duck in it.
18:26And they would throw it.
18:27And it became the national game of Argentina under Juan Perón in 1953.
18:31He declared it the national game over soccer, over football.
18:34I love the idea that, you know, after the hand of God thing, they said,
18:36look, let's just make this a sport.
18:39But what about Quidditch?
18:40Does anybody really play Quidditch?
18:42Yes, they do.
18:43Yeah.
18:43Various American universities have now got, like, Quidditch clubs.
18:46Hundreds.
18:47Hundreds of them.
18:49And it's a lot less exciting than in the films.
18:53You don't say.
18:54They're running round with a broom between their legs.
18:57And catching and, yeah, it's quite...
18:58It's great if you're in it, I'm sure.
19:00If you're in the sweeper position.
19:01Yeah.
19:03I feel like...
19:05It's called Muggle Quidditch, not surprisingly, because they can't fly.
19:08And there are over 200 college teams in America.
19:11The Intercollegiate Quidditch Association.
19:13So, horse ball has similar rules to Quidditch,
19:16but the players ride on horses instead of broomsticks.
19:18Which of these would you rather have on your Quidditch team?
19:20A Muggle, Hagrid, or Dumbledore?
19:23Is it the one that looks like Julius Caesar who's about to be sick in a bucket?
19:28I don't know which one that is.
19:30On the left.
19:31Oh, see, yes, he does.
19:33I think that's Dudley, is it?
19:35The point is, in a lot of J.K. Rowling's work, the words are real,
19:39and Dumbledore is a real English word, as is Hagrid, as is Muggle.
19:43And I want you to tell me what they really mean.
19:46Dumbledore's going to be some sort of a term for a village idiot, I think.
19:49Well, funnily enough, yes, it became that.
19:52In Thomas Hardy's Under the Greenwood Tree, it means a slow simpleton.
19:55It's used, though, as a bit of a Dumbledore,
19:56but actually it has an original earlier meaning, yeah?
19:58Is there not a Hagrid reference in one of the Thomas Hardy books?
20:03There may well be.
20:03I don't know one of the Thomas Hardy books.
20:04I don't know which one.
20:05I mean, I've seen the longer form, Hagridden, I've seen many times,
20:09but start with...
20:11Monster-like.
20:11Start with Muggle.
20:12Do you know where the word Muggle might first have been used?
20:14Sounds like some sort of woodland creature or something furry.
20:17Actually, it's an American jazz age word.
20:20It's a drug.
20:21It's a marijuana.
20:22Marijuana is the right answer.
20:24Muggle was a word for marijuana, for cannabis,
20:26and indeed more particularly for people who smoked it.
20:28They were Muggles.
20:29People who smoked marijuana were called Muggles.
20:32That's hilarious.
20:32Now you're witty.
20:35In New Orleans.
20:36They're all getting started and Quidditch is really boring.
20:43In New Orleans 1920s.
20:45That was it.
20:46But what's the next word then?
20:47We've got Hagrid.
20:49Which is used in Thomas Hardy, right?
20:51In the mayor of Casterbridge.
20:51I think there's a longer form.
20:52Hagridden.
20:53Yes.
20:54Hagridden.
20:55Very good.
20:57Clever of you.
20:59It means...
21:00Hagridden.
21:01Oh!
21:02Oh!
21:02Oh!
21:02Oh!
21:02It means a bony old horse.
21:05It's a mare.
21:07It's a nightmare.
21:08Yes!
21:09It's a nightmare involving a horse.
21:12Was there something to do with somebody chasing through?
21:16If you had bad dreams, you were said to be Hagridden.
21:20Oh, that's great.
21:20That your witches had come to you in the night.
21:22You were Hagridden.
21:23That's fantastic.
21:23Yeah.
21:24To be Hagrid.
21:25Is that a drunk person not finding the toilet?
21:27Well, it's a...
21:28Since...
21:29Since records began, that's horrible.
21:34When people sleep...
21:35They'll be a little terrible when they wake up.
21:38That's a relationship that's not going to survive, isn't it?
21:41Yeah, the train's gone.
21:43When people sleep badly these days, they think they've been probed by aliens.
21:48But before the idea of aliens came, it was goblins and witches and demons and hags.
21:54And that's what Hagridden means.
21:55What's the horse doing?
21:57It's...
21:57That's the nightmare.
21:59He's operating the video.
22:05Very good.
22:06With his big hooves.
22:08So that leaves us with Jumbledore.
22:10Which, as you say, has been used to mean a slight simpleton.
22:14There's the great Gambon.
22:16But it had an earlier meaning.
22:18And the first half of it...
22:20Dumble.
22:21Dumble.
22:21Think of a rhyming word for Dumble.
22:23Jumble.
22:23Trumple, mumble, crumble.
22:25The Mumble.
22:26Not mumble.
22:27Ceiling.
22:27Crumple.
22:29Don't try me too hardly, Mag.
22:31Stumble.
22:32No you...
22:32Bumble.
22:33Yes.
22:33Bumblebee.
22:34It's a time to beat.
22:35It is a bumble-bee.
22:37Yeah, there were different ways of saying it a door means a humming insect in Old English, so a Dumbledore
22:42was a bumblebee
22:43That's great. That's what the word means
22:45That's great. Isn't it? Yeah, please. I can't believe I didn't know it. No. I'm really annoyed. I'm looking at
22:49this down on more precious, precious points
22:52But you did well. You got some points from very well knowing it was in hardy. Yeah, but how did
22:57Hogwarts tackle drinking problems?
23:01Is that a character, drinking problems?
23:03No, no
23:06Harry Potter and the Goblet of Special Brew
23:13The word existed before the book there. Yes, you're on the right line. When the hog finds that the the
23:19the creeks run dry
23:21There's nowhere to drink. No, it's drinking problems of an alcoholic sort. It's sailors. Yes, it is in the US
23:28Navy
23:28Very good
23:29It came straight to your mind
23:32I just thought, who drinks? Who drinks?
23:36Sailors
23:36This isn't fair. He's getting questions about Quidditch. He's getting questions about sailors
23:42You see? No, a particular branch of the US Navy in the Submariners. Now, the torpedoes, right, used to run
23:51on ethyl alcohol. That was their fuel. Now, since 1914, the US Navy had been dry. You were not allowed
23:58to drink. But on board, they had 180% proof alcohol. So how to stop them drinking it?
24:07Well, it would kill you unless you add tonic, I think
24:11It wouldn't kill you. No, I mean, they would add things. They had plenty of juices they could add, and
24:14they did
24:15But delicious then. Yeah, no. I thought that's the point
24:18You wanted to stop it being delicious, or stop it, you know, you want to make it dangerous. Putting it
24:22inside a torpedo would go somewhere
24:23Yeah, that would do, but you had to be stored as the fuel, and it could be got at. So
24:27what you do is you add something
24:28They started by adding methanol, known as Pink Lady, which makes you blind. And they said, if you drink this,
24:34you will go blind
24:36We've all been told things like that. It didn't stop us. No. Unfortunately, that's the problem.
24:45That's exactly the problem. Anyway, it didn't work in the Navy, so they added something called Croton Oil, which came
24:52from the Spurge plant, known as the Hogwarts.
24:57So they added Hogwarts juice, and that made you vomit, and gave you diarrhea. But that, of course, didn't work
25:04either, because they just boiled it up, and it condensed off again, and they got rid of it, and they
25:08would carry on drinking it. They added pineapple juice.
25:11And also, regular alcohol makes you vomit. That's a night out, isn't it?
25:18That's probably true. That's probably true, but that was the role that Hogwarts played, anyway.
25:22J.K. Rowling, in interviews, when it was pointed out that there was such a thing as Hogwarts, said that
25:26she thought she'd made it up herself, but that maybe she'd been to Q, Q Gardens, and seen Hogwarts, and
25:31it just kind of registers in the back of your mind, as these things often do. Anyway.
25:35I have visions of J.K. Rowling with a bottle of metal.
25:38Rowling, yeah.
25:38I made it up, and if it wasn't as difficult as...
25:43Rowling.
25:43Where's that brown machine?
25:45Rowling.
25:46Rowling.
25:46What did I say?
25:46Rowling.
25:47W before O, extended after R.
25:51Rowling.
25:51I'm just like bowling, not like howling.
25:53It could be either, you're right.
25:55Anyway, I'm sorry, I'm not picking on you, Lee. I love you deeply.
25:58During the war...
25:59Sorry, doesn't overdo it.
26:00It would be the most...
26:01If you were picking on me, it would be the most middle-class way of picking on anyone.
26:05I think all found, it's rolling like bowling.
26:11Stop the bully!
26:14During the war, American sailors used to drink torpedo-fuel cocktails, though the Navy tried to stop them by adding
26:20Hogwarts oil.
26:21Now here's a Harry question.
26:23Why does the Doomsday Book contain so many empty villages in Yorkshire?
26:29Expelliarmus!
26:29Is it called the harrowing of the North?
26:33The harrowing?
26:34The harrowing of the North.
26:35It's about the harrowing.
26:35It's like the harrowing, but it's the harrowing.
26:37And this is my understanding of it is that there was basically a...
26:39In the city of York, there was an uprising against the Norman troops that were there.
26:44And then, basically all the people in the city kind of realised that they were actually vastly outnumbering the York
26:53forces.
26:53No, he's right!
26:55He's doing well!
26:56I was listening!
26:57But then, I think there was a decree sent by the king after this uprising happened and everything was burnt
27:02from sort of like a hundred miles.
27:03You should have got the salient points.
27:05Yes, William the Bastard, as he was known.
27:08William the Bastard, as he was known.
27:11Don't be put off by a young person knowing more than you, Alan.
27:15You must be used to it by now.
27:16I'm just talking about, sir.
27:18No, I'm sorry.
27:19That's okay.
27:21So what did he say?
27:22What is it?
27:22What is it?
27:22I wasn't listening.
27:25Oh, you're in trouble.
27:27No, the harrowing...
27:28We weren't concentrating.
27:29We were thinking about ten-pin bowling, weren't we?
27:34Well, the harrowing of the North, for those at the back, was the worst example of genocide.
27:44G-E-N-O-C-I-D-E.
27:47Oh, you're in trouble.
27:51Because it's Christmas, I'm going to be very lenient.
27:54No, it was, it was actually our worst ever act of genocide.
27:58G-E-N-O-C-I-D-E.
28:04You see?
28:05I don't know, that's the tits.
28:06I don't know.
28:07Yes, tits.
28:09Fabulous.
28:10They're the tits.
28:11Sorry, what about this, er, massacre pig?
28:13Max, sir, he's making me do it.
28:14People from the North were ruthlessly killed.
28:17Oh.
28:25You say ruthlessly, with the war cry of,
28:28It's rolling as in bowling!
28:31In his head!
28:34Exactly.
28:36They killed them, sir?
28:37They killed them in the North?
28:38They killed them.
28:39The Normans slaughtered one in ten, everyone in the North, a hundred thousand people.
28:43And those that survived mostly died of starvation or lived in abject...
28:48Well, little did they know how good we were at breeding.
28:50Yes, but it did take decades.
28:52It took decades.
28:53It really was laid absolutely waste.
28:55And it's called the harrying of the North.
28:56It turns out a sort of gentle...
28:57Oh, I'll give you a little harrying, but it was actually a vile moment.
29:00Anyway, that's harrying, but what about pottering?
29:02What creature was the subject of Beatrix Potter's first work?
29:07Er, I bet it's not Peter Rabbit.
29:09It is the right answer.
29:11Thank God you stopped me!
29:15Would you have said Rabbit?
29:16I'd have said, er, is it not Peter Rabbit?
29:18No, no...
29:19I would have said Rabbit, yes, I would have said Rabbit.
29:21No, the surprise is, actually, her first work was not a children's book.
29:24Was it the book that they based the film Boogie Nights on?
29:32Oh, I'd so love it if I was saying, yes, and that's a hundred points!
29:35How extraordinary you should know that!
29:37Roller Girl was based on Beatrix Potter's mother.
29:41No, it was a serious work of botanical, as it was then called botanical, it's now a mycological study.
29:47What does, what is mycology, does that mean anything to you?
29:50No, Dahl!
29:51The study of people called myc...
29:52That would be interesting in its way.
29:55No, it's fungus.
29:57Fungus?
29:57Yeah.
29:57She was something of a genuine scientific...
29:59Why did the mushroom go to the party?
30:01Because he was a fun guy.
30:02A fun guy.
30:03Yeah.
30:04A fun guy.
30:05Yeah.
30:06Anyway, yeah, that's what she did.
30:08She, she wrote a book, it was presented by her uncle to the Linnaic Society in the 1890s.
30:13Why by her uncle, why not by her?
30:15Because she was a woman.
30:16I'm afraid that's the case.
30:17And it took them a hundred years to apologise for the slight.
30:20And also, she was a mushroom expert.
30:22Who wants to meet her?
30:25Yeah.
30:25Well, what do you know what I mean?
30:27It was like, yeah, talk to Beatrix, she's great on mushrooms.
30:30And she couldn't even do the joke, could she?
30:31She couldn't say, but I'm a fun guy to be.
30:33No, no, no, you were saying.
30:34But she did then write a story for the son of a former nanny about Peter Rabbit.
30:40And it started with the words, once upon a time, there were four rabbits called...
30:45Flipsy, Bipsy, Doxy and Flopsy or something like that.
30:49Flopsy, Moxie, Cottontail and Peter.
30:53They know.
30:54Yeah, exactly.
30:54And she wrote that after she's had a massive bag of magic.
30:59And she did the illustrations, of course.
31:01And the recipients said, this is so good, you should publish them.
31:03And indeed, she didn't become a gigantic success.
31:06So much so...
31:06Yeah.
31:07In 1903, Peter Rabbit was the first merchandise-licensed toy ever.
31:12Oh, wow.
31:12So she began the whole...
31:13Is it that she had outsold her mushroom book?
31:15It did.
31:15It so did, yeah.
31:16Very fair to say.
31:18But she lived in central London.
31:20And if you go to Brompton Cemetery, in fashionable West London,
31:25do you know what you see on the gravestones there?
31:27Massive rabbit.
31:28No.
31:29A lot of mushrooms.
31:30You see the inspiration for some of her greatest works.
31:34It's quite fun.
31:34Jemima Puddledock.
31:35Not that, but there's...
31:37Big bag of crap.
31:37Peter Rabbit.
31:38There is a...
31:39There's a grave for a Peter Rabbit.
31:41It's spelled double B-E-T-T.
31:43There's a Jeremiah Fisher.
31:44There's a Mr. Nutkins.
31:46There's a Mr. Brock.
31:46And a Mr. McGregor.
31:48All there.
31:49So it looks like she was...
31:50All in the same grave?
31:50When she was looking for names,
31:51she just wandered around and chose them from the gravestone.
31:56Anyway, Beatrix Potter was a rather successful botanist
31:58before becoming a children's author.
32:00Her first publication was about fungi.
32:02Well, that's it for magic.
32:03Now for the tricky bit.
32:04It's general ignorance.
32:05Fingers on buzzers, if you'd please.
32:07When should you open the first door on your advent calendar?
32:12Abracadabra.
32:12Yeah.
32:12First of December.
32:14Oh!
32:16I didn't say December the 3rd.
32:18Yay!
32:20Nice try to get out of it.
32:22No.
32:23It's the fourth Sunday before Christmas.
32:25And that can be one of a range of days
32:26between November the 27th and December the 3rd.
32:29As far as you open it on Advent Sunday.
32:31To be honest, I don't usually have one.
32:34No, don't you?
32:35No.
32:36You will.
32:36As your children grow up, you will.
32:38Yeah.
32:38You will.
32:38They'll love them.
32:40They'll love them.
32:41They'll love them.
32:41Yeah.
32:41I just stopped getting mine.
32:43Did you stop getting mine?
32:44I felt 19 was then the last one.
32:46Right.
32:46Um, 20.
32:47So you've got to buy them 20 years worth of advent calendars.
32:49Can you get like a Kelly Brook advent calendar?
32:52No.
32:52No.
32:53You can not.
32:55That's very bad.
32:56Very bad.
32:57That's quite creepy.
32:59People used to go pubs and they used to have the peanuts on a card.
33:02Oh, yes.
33:03And they'd be a naked girl.
33:04As you pulled them off, there'd be a girl beneath it.
33:06Usually it was.
33:07Encouraging the blokes to eat more nuts.
33:09Get more nuts.
33:13Johnny, Johnny Vegas told me that in his club pub in St. Allen's, it was a topless pub,
33:17and if you paid an extra 50p, she'd dip it in the pipe before she gave it to you.
33:21Oh!
33:22Don't show the messages.
33:24Don't show the messages.
33:25Don't show the messages.
33:26Please.
33:28How erotic.
33:28Yes.
33:33Well, more often than not, Advent actually starts in November, not on December the 1st.
33:38So, who'd like to pull a Christmas cracker?
33:40Um, I've got one.
33:41They've even got your names on.
33:42That's Lee's.
33:43And that's Alan's.
33:45And there we are.
33:46Pass it on.
33:47You see the names there.
33:47One for Graham, one for Daniel.
33:49With each other?
33:50Yeah.
33:51I'll do that.
33:51Yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:52I'll do that.
33:54Oh, I've lost twice.
33:55Great.
33:56Oh!
33:57I've got one.
33:58I've got mine.
33:58Well, give him one of the jokes, Alan, if you'd be so kind.
34:01No way.
34:02Oh, you might.
34:03Let him have a joke.
34:04So, er, Graham, would you like to read your joke?
34:07Okay, here we go.
34:11Did you write these?
34:14Are they good?
34:15It just sounds like something you might write.
34:18Knock, knock.
34:19Knock.
34:20Who's there?
34:21To.
34:22To who?
34:23To whom, surely?
34:28That's a good joke.
34:33Oh, dear.
34:35Lee, what's your joke?
34:37Knock, knock.
34:38Who's there?
34:39JK Rowling.
34:40Oh!
34:42Now, what cheese do you use to coax a bear out of its cave?
34:50Come on, bear.
34:51Come on, bear.
34:52Come on, bear.
34:53Come on, bear.
34:54Come on, bear.
34:55Very good.
34:56Very good.
34:58Is that really it?
35:00Yeah.
35:01I don't even know, bear's like cheese.
35:03What?
35:04No.
35:05I'm not going to...
35:06I'm not going to fall to that one, Lee.
35:09Daniel.
35:09Who is the most famous married woman in America?
35:12Yes.
35:13Who?
35:13I didn't hear that.
35:15Mississippi.
35:15Mississippi.
35:17That's really...
35:18Excellent.
35:19Yeah.
35:20Anna.
35:21What disease can you get from decorating a Christmas tree?
35:25Syphilis.
35:27No, I've got it.
35:28Tinsulitis.
35:29Oh.
35:30Very good.
35:31Yes, it is.
35:31Oh, hey.
35:33Well, there you are.
35:34Now...
35:37You'd be pleased to know there's a department at the University of Hertfordshire called
35:40The Public Understanding of Psychology, and Richard Wiseman has a theory about cracker jokes,
35:44which is they should be bad.
35:47Why...
35:47Why...
35:48Why...
35:49Is that a good thing?
35:50Alan.
35:53Who's speaking?
35:55I'm wishing you hadn't had that methanol now.
35:58Jokes should be bad.
35:59Yeah.
35:59Is it because to make us feel superior?
36:02Sorry?
36:02To make us feel superior.
36:03Well, no, it's sort of the opposite.
36:04It is because they've always been bad and we don't like change.
36:07Partly that may be, but also his theory is that almost not everybody will always find a joke funny.
36:13Therefore, the moment you tell a joke, at a party in particular, you're dividing the room into two.
36:17Those who liked it, those who didn't.
36:20And sometimes it's nobody likes it and the person who tells it feels bad.
36:23Whereas if everybody knows the joke is a terrible groaning joke, it's everybody against the joke.
36:28So everybody's bonded.
36:30So, yes, cracker jokes are bad because they are, and that's why they're not bad.
36:34So that's it for this cracking QI Christmas.
36:38Let's just check the scores and see how we're doing.
36:40Oh, my goodness me.
36:41Well, I think I've done very well.
36:43It's really exciting because winning on his first appearance with ten points is Daniel Radcliffe.
36:54And in second place with four points, Graham Norton.
37:04Well, it's pretty tight below the salt.
37:06In third place with minus 18, Lee Mack.
37:14And, yes, in last place is our stable donkey, Alan Davies on minus 19.
37:27Well, it would be no kind of Christmas party if it didn't end with tricks and japes and larks of
37:31all kinds.
37:32So, have you got a trick or a jape lined up?
37:34I have something, yes.
37:36Ooh, who are you going to play it on?
37:37If I could ask Lee to be my Debbie McKee.
37:41I'm not falling for this again.
37:44Take it, take it away.
37:45Come on.
37:45Oh.
37:46This is my equipment.
37:47Lee, if I could ask you to lie in the box.
37:50Your head at that end, please.
37:52This is like the time you told me to smell your hanky.
37:55What?
37:57It's chlorophyll.
37:58Oh, chlorophyll, thank God.
38:04All the way back, if you don't mind.
38:06All the way in.
38:07Just tuck yourself in under there.
38:08I got soaring.
38:09I didn't see that.
38:11Just look this way.
38:12Concentrate on the audience.
38:13Smile at the audience.
38:14You're very happy.
38:15You're relaxed.
38:16Oh, yeah.
38:16I'm having the time of my life.
38:18Are you sure you're all the way in?
38:19Are you sure you know what you're doing?
38:21Ooh, hello.
38:22I can see why Phil Jupiters wasn't invited on this week.
38:27Ow!
38:29Ow!
38:34I'm interested about Daniel.
38:35I don't know.
38:36I think that would have been more sensible.
38:38I can't feel relaxed.
38:40I used to play a magician's assistant, you know.
38:43Oh, yeah.
38:45Ow!
38:45That's the bit.
38:46Just try and relax.
38:49Oh, my God!
38:50Whoa!
38:52Yes!
38:55Are you ready?
38:56Just relax.
38:57It won't hurt at all.
38:58Oh.
38:58Ah!
39:01Ah!
39:03Are you all right?
39:05What?
39:05I said, are you all right?
39:07Don't ask me that.
39:08You're cutting me belly in half.
39:10Wow.
39:11Oh.
39:12Brilliant.
39:13Oh, don't worry.
39:13You've worked with all the professionals, haven't you?
39:15Douglas Bader and Heather Mills.
39:20I'm under stress.
39:22Let's just sneak in your...
39:22Is his arm?
39:23Yes.
39:24The arm's not the bit I'm worried about.
39:25Yes.
39:25That's fine.
39:27There we go.
39:27Now, ladies and gentlemen, if this has worked...
39:32Oh!
39:33Oh, my word!
39:36Oh, yeah!
39:38Brilliant!
39:42Brilliant!
39:47Alan Davis and the glamorous Lee Mack, ladies and gentlemen.
39:54Well...
39:55What's wrong?
39:57All I can say...
39:58Oh, God!
39:59Surely you don't leave it like that!
40:01Just hang down for the moment, Lee, and we will see.
40:04It's going to be hard to top, boys.
40:05Can you do something similar?
40:07Well...
40:07Graham.
40:08Come with me, Daniel Radcliffe.
40:10Oh, I say.
40:10Okay.
40:11This did seem like a good idea.
40:13So, er...
40:14Shall I?
40:15Kneel down there.
40:17Right.
40:18Okay.
40:19This feels very wrong, doesn't it?
40:24Children are watching and sobbing.
40:28What's he doing?
40:30He found Dorothy, now he's killing Harry Potter!
40:37Okay.
40:38Daniel, you have...
40:39You all right there?
40:39Yeah.
40:40Daniel, have you...
40:41Have you finished both of the Harry Potter films by now?
40:44It'll be fine.
40:44It'll be fine.
40:45It'll be fine.
40:46They can usually finish them without you.
40:49I'm so bad at this.
40:50I was about to lean through.
40:51That's not...
40:55Are you all right there?
40:56Are you comfortable?
40:56Oh, yes.
40:57It's lovely.
40:57Okay.
40:58Nothing can go wrong.
41:00Wouldn't it be awful?
41:03No, because you know what I mean?
41:04We had the stuff about the bullets and the fouling thing.
41:08It could happen.
41:08It could go wrong.
41:09And suddenly there'll be some story about...
41:10And then Graham got distracted by a bright light and...
41:13I don't know.
41:14That was dead.
41:15No.
41:16Have I done...
41:16I think I've done it all right.
41:20You live on in films forever.
41:22That's a bad one.
41:26Drum roll.
41:27Okay.
41:28Here we go.
41:29So...
41:30Three...
41:32Two...
41:34One...
41:37On that bombshell, ladies and gentlemen.
41:42Thank you, Graham.
41:47You saw it here.
41:49It'll be on YouTube before you can speak, but my goodness me.
41:52On that bombshell, it's thanks to...
41:54Leon Allen.
41:58And it's thanks to Graham and the late Daniel Radcliffe.
42:04And a very Merry Christmas to you all.
42:07Good night.
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