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00:09Oh, my God!
00:11Oh, my God.
00:13Doug, what are you doing?
00:14It's 5.30 in the morning.
00:16They closed down Union Turnpike.
00:18I gotta leave for work now if I'm gonna beat the traffic.
00:20Just go to sleep. Go to sleep.
00:21Shh. Curl up like a baby bear.
00:23There you go.
00:36Okay, shh. It's out there.
00:39I'm okay.
01:06Without waking up.
01:08Do you have any idea what my work shirt would be?
01:11Check the floor.
01:14I got it. I got it.
01:15Go back to sleep.
01:17You're dreaming. You're dreaming.
01:20You're rollerblading naked with Tony Danza.
01:26Then you're ironing his shirt.
01:30My eyes are getting weary.
01:33My back is getting tight.
01:36I'm sitting here in traffic on the Queensborough Bridge tonight.
01:41But I don't care, because all I want to do
01:46Is cash my check and drive right home to you.
01:52Because maybe all my life I will be driving home to you.
02:12I'm like, how's why I'm swinging on my pocket.
02:14Bye.
02:15Bye.
02:16Bye.
02:17Bye.
02:17Bye.
02:18Bye.
02:21Bye.
02:31Hey, Carrie.
02:32Oh, hey, Lou.
02:33What have you got there?
02:35I finally decided to spring for an air conditioner
02:37between my dad and Doug.
02:39That living room can get pretty ripe in August.
02:41You know what I'm saying?
02:43Do you need any help?
02:44Oh, no, I think I can.
02:47Actually, you're strong for a living, right?
02:50I got it.
02:51Thanks.
02:52You got it?
02:54Okay.
03:01Where do you want it?
03:01Oh, right there's fine.
03:02It's just going to go in that window.
03:04I can put it in for you.
03:05I'm free all day tomorrow.
03:07Oh, no, no, no.
03:07That's way too nice.
03:09Please.
03:10It's no problem.
03:11My God, you are such a sweetheart.
03:13And listen, if there's ever anything I could do for you...
03:16Can you get your husband to stop making Hulk jokes?
03:20I don't think so.
03:24Although there is one thing.
03:26You know what?
03:27I shouldn't bother you.
03:28No, no, no.
03:28Come on, come on, come on.
03:29What is it?
03:30Well, my wife usually does it for me, but she's out of town.
03:34Okay.
03:38Well, nothing like that.
03:39It's just that I'll have to do a posing at a gym opening next week.
03:43And it's a last minute thing.
03:44And, um...
03:45And, come on, what is it?
03:46Would you spread tanning cream on my body?
04:00Attention, IPS driver in the house, but don't worry, they come in peace.
04:06Hey, I'm looking for Chip Diggins.
04:08Thanks.
04:10It's Chip.
04:12Hey, man, I got a package for you.
04:13Oh, great.
04:16How does it feel to be on the other side?
04:18Hmm?
04:19You and I, we're used to giving packages, but now you're getting one.
04:24It feels pretty much like you'd expect.
04:26What, you never got a package?
04:29Just making conversation, guy.
04:33Doug!
04:34Mitch, hey, man.
04:35I haven't seen you since IPS.
04:37I know, I know.
04:38You clean up nice.
04:39Yeah, well, I'm in personnel now.
04:41Got to look my best.
04:42What brings you by?
04:43Oh, I just had a delivery.
04:45Really?
04:45Out here in the boonies?
04:46I can't believe they still got you working zone 12.
04:49Yeah.
04:50Why?
04:50Well, it's just, uh, you were working zone 12 when I left two years ago.
04:55You took some time off?
04:56Were you injured?
04:58No, no.
04:59I mean, it's a tough route, but hey, they only give the tough routes to the tough drivers.
05:02Am I right?
05:02Why, you think I should have a better route?
05:04I don't know.
05:05But I'll tell you one thing.
05:06If you worked here, hell, you'd write your own ticket, my friend.
05:08Really?
05:09Are you kidding me?
05:10With all your experience, hell, you'd be working Q Gardens by now.
05:12Q Gardens?
05:14They got trees.
05:18Anyway, just one man's opinion.
05:20Oh, Doug loved to stay and chat, but, uh, Rodriguez ain't gonna fire himself.
05:23Hey, it's good to see you.
05:26Have a mug.
05:36This is very sweet of you.
05:40Hey, it's what neighbors do.
05:44Don't forget my obliques.
05:46Okay, kitten.
05:49Hey.
06:01So what's for dinner?
06:02I don't know, but whatever it is, it's gonna have a gorgeous tan.
06:07What's the matter?
06:08What's the matter?
06:10All these years at IPS, I'm still delivering in Zone 12.
06:13So?
06:1412.
06:1512!
06:1712!
06:20I'm familiar with the number, but why is it bad?
06:24Because it's the crap zone.
06:26It's far away.
06:27It's full of potholes.
06:29There's hookers on every corner.
06:31P.S.
06:31Most of them are pretty skanky.
06:34Honey, you've had this same route for years.
06:36What's the deal today?
06:37The deal is, you know, I ran into an old friend of mine who works in personnel at FedEx.
06:41And you know what he told me?
06:41If I was over there, I could write my own ticket.
06:44My own ticket!
06:45I never had my own ticket!
06:47Really?
06:48That's great.
06:49It's just so unfair, you know?
06:50I'm at IPS eight years, and they still treat me like a pack mule, you know?
06:54I'm at FedEx five minutes, they treat me like a valuable person, and they give me a beautiful mug.
07:00Where is it?
07:01Handle snapped off.
07:04Driving over a Zone 12 pothole.
07:06Doug, maybe it's time to think about making a move.
07:10What do you mean?
07:11Going to work for FedEx?
07:13No, no, no.
07:13Why not?
07:15No, it's like a big deal.
07:17I'd have to empty out my locker and bring home my George Foreman grill.
07:25All right, you know what?
07:25Fine.
07:26Do whatever you want.
07:27Carrie!
07:28Excuse me.
07:29I have to go finish off Lou.
07:34Come on, Carrie.
07:35I wasn't saying I wanted to change jobs.
07:37I was just blowing off steam.
07:39You know, I'm pretty happy where I am.
07:40Now you're happy.
07:41Five seconds ago, you were ranting about how they treat you like an animal.
07:45Well, the beer's kicked in.
07:46All right.
07:47You know what?
07:47I don't want to get involved, because when I do, you just drive me crazy.
07:51So you drink your beer, and I'll spread my tanning cream.
07:54Fine.
08:00Besides, I just don't think I'd fit in over at FedEx.
08:03What are you talking about?
08:04It's the same exact job you do now, only in a blue uniform.
08:08There you go.
08:09I can't wear blue.
08:10You said it yourself.
08:11I'm an autumn.
08:13All right.
08:14All right.
08:14Maybe you don't have to actually take the job at FedEx, but could you at least...
08:19Forget it.
08:20What?
08:21No.
08:21Never mind.
08:22Forget it.
08:22Doug, I think Carrie's saying that you could use the heat from FedEx to put the screen on
08:27IPS.
08:30Doug, you're hot.
08:31You're in play.
08:32Use it.
08:33It worked.
08:34I got a nice rage on the hook when they wanted me on the bionic woman.
08:37Huh?
08:37Huh?
08:38The bionic woman?
08:46Hey.
08:47Hey, ma'am.
08:51So, new boy seems okay, huh?
08:53Yeah.
08:55Good-looking guy.
08:58I guess.
08:59It seems to me if you're secure in your manhood, you don't need to look all attractive.
09:07Zone one.
09:08All right.
09:11Zone one?
09:12You've been here a week.
09:13You get zone one?
09:14It took me four years to get zone one.
09:15I never had it.
09:17I gotta tell you, man, I am so fed up with the way I get treated around here.
09:20Here you go.
09:23Don't tell me.
09:24Tell a boy.
09:24Maybe I will.
09:25Go ahead.
09:26Oh, I'm gonna go.
09:27I'm going.
09:27Okay, go.
09:28Oh, it's on, baby.
09:29Do it, man.
09:30It's done.
09:32Just give me a little push.
09:39Cool.
09:40Sorry.
09:41How about dinner and drinks before you get that close, huh, Chief?
09:45Supervisor of oil?
09:46Yeah, Doug.
09:46What up?
09:47Uh, it just happened to come to my attention that you assigned the new guy to zone one.
09:52Yeah.
09:53Well, it's just that that's the best zone.
09:55I mean, is that like a welcome to the company kind of thing instead of a basket or...
09:59No, no, no, that's his zone.
10:01Oh, well, he did get the basket, too.
10:03Plus, I think, some coupons for Lowe's theaters.
10:05Uh, yes, I just don't understand why the new guy lucks out with the zone that's all light
10:10packages for suburban housewives.
10:12Well, look at the guy, Doug.
10:13Come on.
10:14He's gorgeous.
10:18Listen, I gotta jump on the horn.
10:20Somehow, a hundred pints of plasma wound up at Tavern on the Green.
10:23I got a very angry Maida D to deal with.
10:26I'm in play.
10:28Pardon?
10:29Yeah, you know what?
10:30I didn't want to say anything, but I got a lot of heat on me.
10:33A lot of heat.
10:34What are you saying?
10:35You saying there's another company interested in you?
10:37Uh, yes, there is.
10:39Oh.
10:39Well, I'm really not at liberty to disclose that information.
10:42Let's just say it ends in X.
10:45Gas X?
10:48FedEx.
10:49Oh, FedEx.
10:50Wow.
10:50Now, if we could, uh, come to some kind of agreement, you know, regarding my route,
10:56I'd be happy to tell FedEx to overnight their offer to where the sun don't shine.
11:01Putting a squeeze on the old boss, huh?
11:03Maybe just a touch.
11:05Well, you're a good worker, Doug, and I'd hate to lose you.
11:07So what's it gonna take to make you happy?
11:09Zone one.
11:10No can do.
11:11Anything else?
11:12Zone two.
11:13Two?
11:13That's right next to one.
11:14Zone three or four.
11:16It doesn't matter.
11:16Anything with single digits.
11:18No.
11:18No.
11:18No way.
11:19Tell you what, if you can wait a year, I can get you 13.
11:22I'm in 12 now.
11:23Well, listen, Doug, I'm trying to work with you.
11:25What do you want from me?
11:26Look, I want that respect that I deserve, you know?
11:28I've been here eight years, and I'm a good driver.
11:30I should have zone one.
11:32And if I don't get it, I'll...
11:34You'll what?
11:37I'll, you know, I'll, I'll, I'll only quit.
11:41Okay, Doug, you win.
11:43Boy, I, I'm gonna catch hell for this.
11:45But here's what I'm gonna do.
11:46From now on, zone 12, renamed, zone one, and vice versa.
11:52It's the same zone that doesn't help at all.
11:54Well, I'm all out of ideas, Doug.
11:56Listen, you gotta do what you gotta do, okay?
11:59So, good luck over there at Gas X.
12:02FedEx.
12:03FedEx.
12:24Hey there, Lewis.
12:26Is it a good time for me to put in the air conditioner?
12:28Yeah, you bet.
12:28Come on in.
12:31Oh, by the way, how do you like my tan?
12:34Hmm.
12:35I don't like it.
12:36Really?
12:37I love it.
12:40No kidding.
12:41Lou, you look fantastic.
12:42A dark, rich, even tan in March.
12:45God, that stuff is amazing.
12:48The best you can buy.
12:49God, look at me compared to you.
12:51I look so pale and pasty.
12:53You look fine, though.
12:54Uh, white as a sheet.
12:55I look like I'm touring with Moominshans.
12:59You want me to get you a couple bottles?
13:01Really?
13:02Yeah, thank you.
13:04Hey.
13:05Hey, honey.
13:05Hey, Lou.
13:06Hey, Doug.
13:07Uh, honey, can I talk to you in the kitchen alone or something?
13:11Oh, you don't have to go anywhere.
13:12You know I'm hard of hearing, and I won't read your lips.
13:14I promise.
13:17All right, fine.
13:18I lost my job today.
13:20What?
13:25Sorry.
13:27You lost your job?
13:29Yeah.
13:29What happened?
13:30Well, I tried to bluff O'Boyle with the FedEx thing, and he didn't bite.
13:33He just let me walk out.
13:34Well, why the hell were you talking to O'Boyle?
13:36Because you kept saying how much heat I had on me and that I was in play.
13:39I thought you wanted me to talk to him.
13:40Not without preparation.
13:42Some rehearsal.
13:43Some index cards.
13:45For the love of God, I didn't want you to just wing it.
13:47Well, too late.
13:48It's already long.
13:50You know what?
13:51I mean, so you just go back and tell O'Boyle it was a mistake.
13:54You know what?
13:54You tell him that you were dehydrated and exhausted.
13:57Oh, better yet, tell him you mixed pills and booze and you had a bad reaction.
14:02You do understand my job is driving.
14:06All right.
14:09But you know what?
14:09Maybe this is not so bad.
14:11I mean, they still love you at FedEx.
14:17Go FedEx.
14:21Hey, Mitch.
14:22Doug.
14:23Hey, you got another delivery for us?
14:25Yep, a 250-pound package of Doug Heffernan.
14:27What?
14:28I left IPS.
14:29Really?
14:30Why?
14:31Well, let's just say they pushed and I pushed back.
14:33Shall we talk?
14:34Come on, sure.
14:35Come on in my office.
14:37That'd be great if I could get a route in Rego Park.
14:40That way I could stop home for lunch, you know?
14:41But, hey, not a deal breaker.
14:47So, why should the FedEx company hire Doug Heffernan?
14:52What?
14:53What would a Doug Heffernan bring to FedEx?
14:56Well, I'd bring myself and my lunch.
14:59If I don't get Rego Park.
15:02No, I think I'd, uh...
15:04Hey, castaway.
15:05Whoa!
15:13You know, I agree a lot of things.
15:14I'm a real good, dependable driver.
15:17You know, I've got a pleasant personality.
15:20I'm relatively hygienic.
15:22And I've been told I'm quite the cut-up.
15:25Cut-up, uh-huh.
15:26And where do you see yourself in the future?
15:29You got a five-year plan?
15:31Five years?
15:31Uh, yeah.
15:32I hope to be still delivering packages only in a hovercraft, huh?
15:36Hey, package for Mr. Space Lee.
15:39You are quite the cut-up.
15:41Here's the thing, though.
15:42We're really not hiring at the moment.
15:44What?
15:45Yeah, we're a little lean and mean right now, so...
15:47Well, you just told me how great it was.
15:49How...
15:49If I was here, I could write my own ticket.
15:50That was just friends talking.
15:51What am I going to say?
15:52You're the heaviest I've ever seen you?
15:54I quit my job.
15:56Doug, look.
15:57Tell you what I'm going to do.
15:57I'll leave your application on file, okay?
15:59I don't want my application on file, man.
16:01That's a death warrant.
16:02Look, Mitch, I can do this job.
16:04I want this job.
16:04Look at this.
16:05See?
16:05Hey, FedEx calling.
16:10Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, listen to me.
16:11I am not leaving this building until you hire me.
16:14Now, we both know I am the man for the job.
16:16Look in my eyes.
16:17See the passion?
16:18I know you're thinking deep down inside,
16:20I'm going to roll the dice on this kid.
16:24Security.
16:32Morning, baby.
16:34What you doing?
16:34Looking through the want ads.
16:36Doug.
16:37I'm looking through the want ads.
16:38Leave me alone.
16:39Would you just call O'Boyle?
16:41He's dead to me.
16:43You are just so damn stubborn.
16:46Just crawl back and take your crap.
16:49I do it.
16:50For God's sakes, my boss, he throws his shoes at me.
16:53I just duck and get on with my life.
16:56It's you, okay?
16:57I want more out of my job, okay?
16:58I want happiness.
16:59I want respect.
17:00I'm going to get it, even if that means slaughtering pigs for six bucks an hour.
17:07All right.
17:08You know what?
17:09Doug, if you want to find a new job, then I support you.
17:15Honey, didn't Lou tell you to go easy on that tanning cream?
17:18Yeah.
17:19So?
17:20So?
17:20How many coats is that?
17:22One.
17:25Okay, maybe three.
17:26Doug, you don't understand.
17:27People have been telling me I've never looked better.
17:29This stuff is magic.
17:31Yeah, well, Dougie ain't got no job now, and that magic cost 18 bucks a bottle.
17:34So slap on a coat of sealant and call it a day.
17:37Fine.
17:38Besides, I can live without the smeared brown handprints all over the house.
17:42It's starting to look like a crime scene.
17:45I said fine.
17:46Aha, look at this right here.
17:47Look, look, look.
17:48Look what I found, Miss Doubting Thomasina.
17:50Huh?
17:51Metro Courier Service in Midtown Manhattan.
17:53Experience delivery personnel needed immediately.
17:56Good pay, flexible hours.
17:58Well, looks like Daddy landed back on his feet.
18:12It's starting to signal, dude.
18:16It's starting to signal, dude.
18:44Oh, my God, how much of that tanning stuff are you using?
18:56None.
18:57None?
18:58You look like Seal.
19:01For your information, I had lunch outside today.
19:05Yeah, well, unless you had it eight feet from the sun, I'd say you got a roaring tanning cream addiction.
19:09Oh, please, forget about me, please.
19:11What are you doing?
19:11Whose bike is this?
19:13Metro Couriers.
19:15You're a bike messenger?
19:17A bike courier, and I happen to enjoy it.
19:21Oh, come on.
19:21You can't be enjoying this.
19:23Yeah, well, I do.
19:24Doug, I am begging you.
19:26Let's cut you out of those pants and get you back to IPS, please.
19:32Now, you know what?
19:33If they can live without me, I can live without them.
19:35All right, now, if you will excuse me, I need to figure out a way to pedal through the Midtown
19:41Tunnel.
19:44No seat!
19:55No seat!
19:57Hey there.
19:58Hey, Doug.
19:59What brings you by?
20:00I just wanted to drop off all my uniforms.
20:03I had them martinized for you.
20:05I don't know what that means, but it cost me a buck extra.
20:08Thanks.
20:10So, how's your job there at FedEx?
20:12Ah, actually, you know what?
20:13I passed on them.
20:15Yeah.
20:16You know what it is?
20:17Didn't quite work into my five-year plan.
20:19Didn't see it happen.
20:20Went over to Metro Courier.
20:21Good outfit.
20:22Oh, those are guys that deliver on skates?
20:24No, no, no, no, no.
20:26They stopped doing that years ago when they lost a few guys.
20:28Uh, it's all scooters and bikes.
20:30I'm on a bike.
20:31It's very pleasant, actually.
20:31Very pleasant.
20:32You want your job back, don't you?
20:34Certainly do, yes.
20:36And what about this respect thing?
20:38Are you still into that?
20:39Not so much.
20:40No, no.
20:43I think once you've been violated by a 10-speed, your priorities kind of change.
20:48I heard that.
20:49All right.
20:50You can come back, Doug.
20:51Oh.
20:52See you in the morning.
20:52Well, thank you.
20:53Thank you so much.
20:56And so, you know that thing you said about, you know, calling Zone 12, Zone 1?
21:00I think I might be willing to go for that after all.
21:03Nah, you see, Doug, if I let you do it, then everybody's going to want to rename their
21:08Zone, Zone 1.
21:09You know, it's a slippery slope, my friend.
21:12Okay.
21:13What if you and I just called Zone 1 when we're alone?
21:16Alone?
21:17What are you getting at?
21:18All right, forget it.
21:19How about give me a welcome basket?
21:21Done.
21:22Again, with the slippery.
21:23Wait, look, man.
21:24I've been here eight years.
21:25You've got to give me something.
21:28Movie passes?
21:31All right.
21:32What the hell?
21:33All right.
21:34Welcome back, Doug.
21:36Well, thank you.
21:37It's nice to be back, sir.
21:38And good to be appreciated.
21:40Woo.
21:41Oh, great.
21:45Wait a second.
21:46These passes have expired.
21:49It's cold.
21:49It's cold.
21:50It's cold.
22:10It's cold.
22:11No, no, no.
22:12If they can live without me, I can live without them.
22:14Okay?
22:14Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to figure out a way to...
22:20You know what?
22:21If they can't live without me, then I can't live without them.
22:25I can't live without them.
23:10I can't live without them.
23:25I can't live without them.
23:28You
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