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00:01No, Dad, that's crazy.
00:03Dad, I am not driving two hours upstate to bring your centrum silver.
00:08Dad, stop calling them your meds. You can buy them at 7-Eleven.
00:14Well, you're acting like a lunatic.
00:16Yes, you are.
00:18Fine. You know what? Goodbye.
00:27Now I feel bad.
00:30Why?
00:30Why? I just yelled at my father and called him a lunatic. That has to be wrong.
00:35My God, what if something happens to him and that's the last conversation we ever have?
00:39And you're off the hook.
00:43Damn it.
00:44And when he left yesterday, I kissed him and I told him I loved him.
00:47If he was going to die, that would have been the day.
00:51If it happens now, I'm screwed.
00:53Call him back.
00:54No, no, it's stupid.
00:56Besides, you know what? You yell at him all the time.
00:58You have way worse karma than I do.
01:01Actually, the last thing I said to him was a nice haircut, so I'm good to go.
01:24Hi, Daddy. It's me.
01:26Listen.
01:27I was a little short with you before and I'm sorry.
01:30I love you.
01:33No, that does not mean I'm making the drive up.
01:37Because I'm saying sorry for yelling at you, not the other part.
01:41Well, too bad I'm not making the drive up, crazy man.
01:55I'll see you in five hours.
01:58My eyes are getting weary.
02:01My back is getting tight.
02:04I'm sitting here in traffic on the Queensborough Bridge tonight.
02:08But I don't care, cause all I want to do
02:14Is catch my check and drive right home to you.
02:20Cause maybe all my life I will be driving home to you.
02:40Okay, little tip.
02:42Next time you try to hook up surround sound, red goes in red, yellow goes in yellow.
02:49You know what? I had enough with you and your high-tech mumbo jumbo.
02:53Can I plug it in now? Can I? Come on.
02:54No, no. I'm working with live wires here, man.
02:56Yeah, I want to see your skeleton.
02:57See if you get that chatter and teeth thing going.
03:00Put this down.
03:02Good God, are you two still at this?
03:04It's not my fault.
03:05He hooks up the stereo like a woman.
03:09Doug, why are we even doing this?
03:11The sound on the TV is fine.
03:13Does it surround us? No.
03:16Stop embarrassing yourself.
03:19Well, that's me.
03:24Hello?
03:25Hey, Mom, what's up?
03:27Oh, my God.
03:29When did that happen?
03:30What?
03:31My great aunt died.
03:33Oh, no.
03:33Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
03:35Excuse me.
03:35Just give us a second, you guys.
03:37Sure.
03:38Yeah.
03:39Oh, that's a shame.
03:42Yeah.
03:43Look, is the evening over?
03:45Because Deacon really didn't finish up here.
03:48A person died, okay?
03:51And you're worried about your surround sound?
03:52Well, it's just at this point, I have no sound.
03:56Come on, Carrie.
03:57It's just a great aunt.
03:58It's not like a regular aunt.
03:59I mean, come on.
03:59It's like wax fruit.
04:01Okay, any chance you could act appropriately here?
04:04Yeah, fine. What's appropriate?
04:05What do you want me to do?
04:05You want me to cry?
04:06You want me to shake my fist into heaven's wire?
04:11I don't know.
04:13I just think we should be doing something for them.
04:15I...
04:15Like what?
04:16I don't know.
04:17Make them tea or...
04:18Tea for a great aunt?
04:19That is way over the top.
04:24Hey, sweetie.
04:25How's Kelly doing?
04:27Oh, she's all right.
04:28I mean, her great aunt's been sick for a while, you know.
04:30Still, it's sad.
04:31Yeah, but not as sad as a regular aunt.
04:34What?
04:35You guys want some tea?
04:36Oh.
04:38No, thanks.
04:39We got a lot to figure out.
04:40You know, travel arrangements, who's gonna stay with the kids.
04:42Can I use your phone in there?
04:43Of course.
04:44Thanks.
04:49Should we offer to stay with the kids?
04:53Who, us?
04:53Really?
04:54Yeah, why not?
04:55I mean, we are the godparents.
04:57I just thought we were done with that after we gave them the savings bond.
05:00Doug, I'm just thinking maybe we should offer.
05:02What do you think?
05:05Hey, sweetie.
05:07How you doing?
05:08Hey.
05:12I'm okay.
05:13We just have to go to Chicago tomorrow for the funeral.
05:15Did you, uh, find anybody to watch the kids yet?
05:18No.
05:18A regular sitter can't do it.
05:20We have to keep trying.
05:21Uh-huh.
05:24Uh, hey, crazy thought, you guys.
05:26How about we stay with the kids?
05:28Really?
05:29Yeah.
05:30Uh, I mean, it's really sweet of you, but it's just, it's a lot of stuff.
05:34You know what?
05:35We can handle it.
05:36Two of them, two of us.
05:37Right?
05:37Plus, we're bigger.
05:38Right?
05:40Sure.
05:41Why not?
05:42Okay, then.
05:43All right, great.
05:43Great.
05:43Yeah, great.
05:45So, uh, where are we at with the speakers?
05:52I gotta tell you, this is gonna be good practice for us.
05:55You know, kinda like a driving range for parenting.
05:58Buy a bucket of babies, tee them up, and see how you do, right?
06:03Huh?
06:04What's the matter?
06:06They hesitated.
06:07What?
06:08Who hesitated?
06:10Deacon and Kelly, when we offered to watch their kids.
06:13They did not.
06:14Yes, they did.
06:15They clearly did.
06:16Especially Kelly.
06:17I mean, it was so obvious that she wasn't thrilled about us doing this, Doug.
06:20Her great aunt just died.
06:21She was out of her head with grief.
06:23No, no, no.
06:24They hesitated.
06:25And not, and not because of you.
06:27Because of me.
06:28I mean, I'm not a kid person.
06:29They, they could smell it on me.
06:30I mean, everybody's always saying, oh, children are our future.
06:33And I'm like, whatever.
06:35You're gonna do fine.
06:36No, no, I'm not, Doug.
06:38I mean, one little nose wiped on my blouse, and I'm gonna be looking for some gin.
06:42Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
06:43I'm starting to get that panicky feeling, like before I fly.
06:46Let's not do this, Doug.
06:47Let's call them and cancel.
06:49Cancel?
06:50Carrie, this is not a dinner reservation.
06:52They have nobody else to watch their kids.
06:53Well, I think they should bring him to the funeral.
06:56It's good for kids to see dead people.
07:00That, that little kid in the movie saw, saw dead people all the time, and he seemed fine.
07:06He wasn't fine.
07:07He was a little freak.
07:11Now, pack.
07:16Okay, I got all our phone numbers right here.
07:17Phone numbers.
07:18Great.
07:19I labeled all the kids food.
07:20It's in the fridge.
07:21Oh, it's in the fridge?
07:22Oh, good.
07:22Because that just saved me a wild goose chase.
07:24Ha!
07:26Are you sure you're okay doing this?
07:28Uh, okay.
07:29Yeah, I think so.
07:30I just wish your great aunt would have died sooner.
07:35I'm kidding.
07:36I'm kidding, sweetie.
07:36She's in a much better place now.
07:38I'm sorry.
07:39Yeah.
07:39Hon, we gotta go.
07:40Okay, okay.
07:41Goodbye, sweeties.
07:42Be good.
07:43Kirby, watch out for your brother.
07:45Okay.
07:45Miss you, little man.
07:46Miss you.
07:47Thanks again, you guys.
07:47Bye.
07:48Yeah, we owe you big for this one, guys.
07:50No problem.
07:50You guys have a safe trip.
07:51Okay, we should be thanking you.
07:52All right.
07:55Well.
07:58We're on our own.
08:00Uh-huh.
08:01So far, so good.
08:02So far, so good.
08:03Well, I will see you later.
08:04Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
08:07You're leaving now?
08:08Yeah, it's one of my work Saturdays.
08:10Wasn't the uniform a dip-off for you at all?
08:13Right, right.
08:14Wait, wait, wait.
08:14How about this?
08:15How about you stay here with the kids, and I'll go do your route?
08:18Huh?
08:18Sign here, ma'am.
08:19How hard could that be?
08:21You relax.
08:22The kids are gonna love spending the day with you.
08:25Just show them your gentle, nurturing side.
08:28I have a gentle, nurturing side?
08:32I believe it's in there, yes.
08:36All right, you're gonna do fine.
08:37Okay, okay.
08:38All right.
08:38I love you.
08:39I love you too.
08:39Bye, kids.
08:40Bye.
08:41All right.
08:49Hi.
08:55Hey.
08:59Where's mommy?
09:00Where's my mommy?
09:02Your mommy?
09:04Yeah, where is she?
09:08Uh...
09:09Sweetie, don't you remember saying goodbye to her?
09:11Or...
09:12Where is she?
09:15Okay, um, your mommy went to a place called Chicago, because somebody died.
09:23what's die I don't know honey I'm home hey Kirby the curb man curbside check-in oh here comes the
09:49Heffernan headlock oh that's right oh no off the top rope he's in trouble now oh oh oh boy is
09:56he gonna
09:56lose his w w f belt it's gonna happen how do you feel I have to pee okay okay hey
10:11hey so no one's
10:14missing and you're not drunk I'm guessing things went pretty well today I gotta tell you honey I
10:20rock at this I actually took them both for a walk had this guy in the snuggly little legs going
10:25freaking adorable came back here watched Elmo Palooza three times in a row and fielded some
10:32very tough questions about Bert and Ernie's relationship hey sweetie wash your hands
10:38with soap huh huh do you see this it looks like somebody got hit by the mommy truck no I
10:44guess I
10:45always had it in me who knew come on baby dinner I can't believe with all this going on you
10:49made
10:50dinner yep hamburgers macaroni and cheese and fish sticks good God it's Christmas morning
10:59here honey I'll cut this in half for you okay
11:04hey look at this is this a family or what I mean not exactly the way I pictured it but
11:09still
11:24okay baby's tucked in and Kirby's asleep and P.S. I'm pretty damn good with shadow puppets
11:30I mean he was terrified at first but I got him back
11:35what what's going on here what this is where we're sleeping don't Deacon and Kelly have a king
11:55make me come on I'm not gonna make you I feel very uncomfortable in here relax we're celebrating
12:03what are we celebrating that you're not gonna be the sucky mom we always thought
12:09okay but only because you already messed up the bedding all right oh look at this dimmer switch huh
12:16oh we are styling
12:24hey stop it you're making me nauseous there's no music
12:35oh yeah I am mellow
12:40all right come on turn down the music you're gonna wake the kids
12:49so you uh proud of your big day
12:54yeah a little well you should be you were so great with those kids today
13:01when I came home and I saw you holding major
13:04I don't know I guess I like the way you look with a baby attached to you
13:12I mean not literally attached to you that would be gross
13:19I like the way you look too I love you
13:22I love you too
13:29and go
13:34wow the lighting really helped
13:39what was that
13:40I don't know
13:41was someone just in the doorway
13:42I don't I don't know
13:48hey
13:50how's it going
13:54what happened
13:55did Kirby see us having sex
13:58possibly
13:59what does that mean
14:00we didn't get into a long discussion
14:02well what did you say to him
14:03I said
14:04hey how's it going
14:06and what did he say back
14:08he said good
14:09oh my god
14:11how can we do this
14:13how could we have sex in our friend's bed
14:15what are we
14:15mountain people
14:16what does that mean
14:18it means
14:19it's wrong
14:20okay
14:20it means nice young couples from Queens
14:22do not do it
14:23in their friend's bed
14:24with their friend's children
14:26sleeping ten feet away from them
14:28I need to make things clean again
14:31come on
14:32what did we do that with so bad
14:33we're two married
14:35mature people
14:36engaging in the timeless dance
14:38called love
14:40Doug we were on their bed
14:42doing in front of their five year old son
14:44and thanks to that mirror over there
14:46he also got
14:47the reverse angle
14:49first of all he's five and a half
14:51and he knows what's what
14:52I'm gonna tell Deacon and Kelly
14:54that's why they hesitated
14:55because they knew
14:56I'd screw up
14:57and I did
14:58why did I let you mount me
15:00ow
15:02first of all
15:03we don't know what he's gonna tell them
15:06in fact
15:07look we don't even know if he saw us
15:08right
15:10right
15:10look
15:10tomorrow morning we'll get up
15:12and we'll feel him out
15:13you know
15:13we'll see if there's even a problem at all
15:15okay
15:17okay
15:18okay
15:18all right
15:19come on let's get a good night's sleep
15:23what are you doing
15:25hey
15:26sleeping on a sofa bed
15:27is not gonna bring back
15:28that boy's innocence
15:33all right sweetie
15:34stop moving around
15:35or I'm gonna get
15:36tape stuck to your little
15:37oops
15:38I'm sorry
15:41honey
15:42I cannot get this diaper on him
15:44I've totally lost my mommy groove
15:47you talk to what's his face
15:51no
15:51not yet
15:55hey buddy
15:56what's up
15:56what's going on there
15:57hey
15:58hey play with your little schoolhouse here
15:59this is fun huh
16:00hey you know what I'm gonna do
16:01I'm gonna take this pretty little teacher here
16:03and
16:04well let's go with this farmer guy right here
16:06and you
16:06tell me if you see anything that looks familiar
16:11alrighty man my name is Farmer Jones
16:12well hi
16:13I'm Mary Lou
16:16Henner
16:19whoops I slipped
16:20well let me help you up
16:21with my pants off
16:24whoops I slipped too
16:25now we're wrestling up and down
16:27hey Larry flint
16:28you want to tone it down a notch
16:31you give it a try
16:32okay all right you finish dressing the baby
16:34okay
16:34all right you got him
16:35yes
16:36hey sweetie
16:38how you doing
16:40do you uh
16:41do you have any bad dreams last night
16:44like maybe a
16:46big scary polar bear
16:49on top of a ballerina
16:52anything like that
16:55I got both legs in one hole
16:57I don't know what to do
17:04hey who wants to play a game
17:06I want to play a game
17:07alright here's the game
17:09what's the worst thing you've seen in the past 24 hours
17:13hey guys we're home
17:14mommy
17:19hey you're back
17:21hi
17:21hi hi hi hi
17:22we caught an early flight so we could relieve you guys
17:25these little monsters treat you okay
17:27okay they were fantastic
17:29but enough about us
17:30how was the funeral
17:31you have fun
17:34not as much as you'd think
17:36yeah dad
17:37not a fan of the big D
17:40what's going on
17:41everything go all right
17:42okay yeah
17:42it's smooth sailing
17:43we um
17:44we gotta go
17:46we gotta get going
17:46yeah
17:47you don't want to stick around
17:48have some coffee
17:48oh no you know what
17:49if we're gonna tear ourselves away from these kids
17:51it's gotta be quick like a band-aid
17:53yeah you know
17:53you rip it right off it hurts
17:54but she's off in a jam
17:55yeah
17:55okay
17:57all right
18:04oh man if bologna smelled any better i'd wear it
18:15how can you just sit there and eat
18:18kirby's probably telling them what we did right now
18:20look they've been home for like two hours now
18:23if he was gonna say something he would have done it already
18:25wouldn't he have
18:26huh
18:26wouldn't he have
18:27i need a pickle
18:29he might have i don't know
18:31look even if he did see us
18:33he probably forgot about it already
18:35i mean do you remember anything from when you were five
18:37no
18:37not now
18:39but he's still five
18:40you don't forget instantly
18:44oh my god that's them
18:46i know it's them
18:46i can tell by the ring
18:47it's an angry ring
19:01yes
19:03oh you know what we're not interested right now
19:05okay
19:06thank you
19:06who was it
19:08someone's selling a subscription
19:10to teen people
19:12oh
19:13oh
19:15why'd you say we weren't interested
19:20you know teen people's number by heart
19:26i am not calling teen people i am calling deacon and kelly
19:32why are you calling them
19:33i can't stand this i need to know what they know
19:36carrie if you want this to go away then don't pick at it
19:39yeah let me pick
19:42hey cal how you doing
19:44yeah uh we just wanted to call and see how the kids are doing
19:47because we miss them so much
19:49mm-hmm
19:53really
19:54okay
19:55well well then we'll see you there
19:57okay
19:58bye-bye
20:00they want to take us to dinner tonight
20:02to thank us
20:03hey
20:04there you go
20:05you don't take perverts to dinner right
20:09i know i don't
20:12see that it all worked out fine
20:14he saw us
20:14he didn't see us
20:15doesn't matter
20:15he kept his little trap shut
20:19and then this one says
20:20my shirt's dirty
20:21we need to put it in the whooshing machine
20:24see
20:24he meant to say washing machine
20:26he didn't say that though
20:26he's hilarious
20:27hilarious
20:29hey buddy you want some more of my ice cream
20:31uh you guys have been generous with your desserts
20:32but i think he's had enough
20:34oh he deserves it just for being so cute and yummy
20:37he's not so cute when he's vomiting
20:39okay
20:41hey what you doing there curb
20:42a picture of dad can carry
20:44oh isn't that sweet
20:46love him
20:47it was what dad were doing last night
20:53wow uh we don't really need another picture
20:55yeah you know we got pictures up the butt
20:57you know what i'm saying
20:58we do we do
21:00yeah but not for my child
21:01yeah he signs and numbers each one
21:03yeah
21:03hey i bet you can't do an outline on my hand
21:05i don't want to
21:06you go ahead try it do it color it in red
21:07make a little turkey out of it
21:09would you remember the boy drawing his picture man
21:11all right
21:11all right i heard drawing makes you gay
21:18it's true it happened to my friend bill
21:21okay you guys been acting very weird since we got back what's the deal
21:26all right then the truth is um we have something to tell you and um this is difficult for us
21:36he makes things up
21:41it's true like his drawings uh for instance usually they're like the the opposite of what actually happened
21:58we're gonna take this
22:13so i'm guessing this wouldn't be appropriate to hang on our fridge
22:17i wouldn't mind
22:18you'll notice he was very generous with me
22:20i noticed
22:22ouch
23:19you
23:20you
23:20i
23:21i
23:30i
23:31i
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