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00:06It wasn't supposed to rain today. Damn, Al Roker. Hurry up and open the door. I'm getting soaked.
00:12I can't get other keys. Here, I'll get them. Hold these.
00:16Ow! Easy, that's a soda bag. Oh, sorry.
00:20Oh, yeah. Mama Leone. Someone wants a slice of Big Dougie Pie.
00:27What are you doing with all these keys? What are you, Schneider?
00:30Which one's the house key? Right, you just pass it right there.
00:33Find the key and open the door.
00:37Don't put the bags in the puddles. It's all puddles.
00:41Crazy kids.
00:44My eyes are getting weary. My back is getting tight.
00:48I'm sitting here in traffic on the Queensborough Bridge tonight.
00:54But I don't care, cause all I want to do
00:59Is cash my check and drive right home to you.
01:05Cause maybe all my life I will be driving home to you.
01:27Okay, got some chicken, got some potatoes.
01:31Hey, watch the finger.
01:34Okay, don't mean to interrupt Animal Planet.
01:37What? But how was everyone's day?
01:40Anything to say? Anyone?
01:44Can you believe that news about the Vice President?
01:46What news?
01:47What news? He resigned today.
01:49Who did?
01:50Al Gore, the Vice President.
01:53What, do you live in a cave?
01:55No, I do not live in a cave and Al Gore did not resign.
01:58He absolutely did.
02:01Doug?
02:03I don't know.
02:05He's right in the front page of today's paper.
02:07I'll show you.
02:08Dad, if Gore resigned, how come there was nothing about it on the news or on the radio?
02:12Maybe this man had a scoop.
02:15Oh, by the way, Mark and Abby called. They want to know if we want to do Benihana Saturday night.
02:19Oh yeah, I like that place.
02:21Better than going to that stupid IPS banquet anyway.
02:24Your company's having a banquet?
02:25Yeah, but we don't have to go.
02:26Let's do Benihana.
02:27Oh, I hope you get Aiko.
02:28Last time we had Lenny.
02:31I can't find the front section.
02:34What you forget about is probably in the garbage.
02:39So what's the banquet for?
02:41Dad, get out of the garbage.
02:43Well, let him go.
02:43Maybe he'll fall in.
02:45So what's the banquet for?
02:47Oh, no, it's just for Les Fisker.
02:48He's been with the company like 20 years or something.
02:51Who's Les Fisker?
02:52They're still tuning this can.
02:53Do we own a diamond mine I don't know about?
02:57Who's Les Fisker?
02:58He's my boss.
02:59I thought O'Boyle was your boss.
03:01O'Boyle's just my supervisor.
03:02Fisker runs the whole place.
03:04Okay, then don't you think you should go?
03:06Why?
03:06He doesn't even know me.
03:08What do you mean he doesn't know you?
03:09He doesn't know me.
03:10He doesn't know you?
03:11He know no Dougie.
03:15Uh-huh.
03:17Gore resigns himself to a wooden image.
03:21Well, this is obviously the wrong newspaper.
03:24So, Doug.
03:25Yeah?
03:26I think we should go to the banquet on Saturday night.
03:29Why?
03:29Why?
03:30Because he's your boss.
03:31This is a perfect chance for you to get some brownie points.
03:34You know, stand out from the pack a little bit.
03:35Oh.
03:36All right.
03:37Now I see how we got off track here.
03:38See, you want me to stand out from the pack,
03:41whereas I want to remain hidden and obscured by that very same pack.
03:48Carrie, it's how I survive, all right?
03:50Staying nameless and faceless.
03:52Not too good.
03:53Not too bad.
03:54Right on the cutting edge of mediocre.
03:57Doug, I think you're being ridiculous.
03:59Oh.
04:00You just want him to kiss a little hiney.
04:04Sure.
04:05You get the big promotion, but you lose your soul.
04:08Okay, Bubby.
04:08Just eat your dinner.
04:09In fact, in all the jobs I ever had,
04:11I never kowtowed to the bosses.
04:13I spoke my mind.
04:15Which is why you have no pension, no benefits,
04:17and you live in our basement.
04:21You really swung from the heels on that one, didn't you?
04:25Doug.
04:26Fine, you know, okay, fine.
04:27We will go to the banquet.
04:28Okay?
04:29Way to go.
04:30Sell out.
04:35Carrie, I'm leaving!
04:38Doug, wait, wait, wait, wait.
04:39What's up?
04:40Sign one of these, okay?
04:41And bring it to your boss.
04:42Sign what?
04:42A card.
04:43You know, to congratulate him for his 20 years.
04:45A card?
04:46No, no, no.
04:46That's way over the top.
04:47No, what is it?
04:48Doug, it's good office politics.
04:49I do it all the time at work.
04:51Really?
04:51Is that why you're on the fast track
04:52to making less coffee next year?
04:55Sure.
04:55Take a vicious shot at me.
04:57Very nice.
04:57Come on.
04:58Pick one and sign it.
04:59Fine.
05:00Why do you have all these anyway?
05:02Oh, when I see a card I like, I just buy it, even if I don't need it.
05:05Like what you do with beef.
05:09Okay, how about that one?
05:11Two deer drinking from a mountain stream.
05:14Um, do you have anything gayer?
05:21Here.
05:21Hunting dogs.
05:23Heterosexual enough for ya?
05:24Fine.
05:25I can't believe it.
05:26First a banquet, now a card.
05:28Who am I?
05:30Oh, I love you, boss.
05:34I love you so much.
05:38Okay, you know what?
05:39Catching a little Pop-Tart shower there.
05:41Alright, let me see.
05:42Let me see.
05:45Congratulations, Doug Heffernan, driver 622H7.
05:49Hun, it's a card, not an invoice.
05:53You know what? You write it.
05:54Okay, I will.
06:07Congratulations, I hear you got 20 to life.
06:13What does that mean?
06:1620 to life.
06:17Like working there is a prison sentence.
06:21It's funny.
06:27Hey, ma'am.
06:28Hey.
06:30What's the matter?
06:31Man, you got a fugly route today.
06:35They got me going back and forth over the bridge three times.
06:38I get winded peeling an orange.
06:40We all have our crosses to bear.
06:43You ready to head out?
06:44Yeah.
06:45Give me a few seconds.
06:46I just got to drop this by Fisker's office.
06:48Fisker?
06:48What you got for him?
06:50Uh, it's just a congratulations card, you know, for his 20 years here.
06:53Why didn't you, uh, didn't you get him one?
06:55No.
06:58Hey, any of you guys, uh, giving cards to Fisker?
07:01No.
07:01Not me.
07:07Mr. Grossman's office.
07:09Nobody's giving cards.
07:11Doug?
07:12None of the other drivers are doing anything.
07:14I'm gonna be the only one.
07:15Carrie?
07:16Doug, listen to me.
07:17Everything's gonna be fine.
07:18Mommy loves you.
07:19Now just give him the card.
07:21Carrie, this was supposed to be decaf.
07:23Gotta go.
07:29Hi.
07:30Hello.
07:32Can I help you with something?
07:33Uh, yeah.
07:34I, uh, I, uh, I work here.
07:36Uh, and, uh, I just wanted to drop this off for Mr. Fisker.
07:40Oh, what is it?
07:41It's just a card for his 20-year thing.
07:43Oh, how thoughtful.
07:46Actually, he's not busy.
07:47Why don't you just pop on in and give it to him personally?
07:49No, no, no, no, no.
07:50I don't, no, that's fine.
07:51I don't want to bother him.
07:52Actually, he's doing a meeting anyway.
07:53No, no, no, no, no, no.
07:53Please, no, please.
07:54I'm asking.
07:54Please stop walking.
07:55You wait right here.
07:55No.
08:06Can we go now?
08:07Yeah, just give me two seconds.
08:08I gotta show urinal cake who's boss.
08:13Hey, Eddie.
08:1920 to life.
08:21That's funny stuff.
08:24Oh, tight squeeze, huh?
08:26Yeah, I get that a lot.
08:29Doug, let's go.
08:31Are you Doug Heffernan?
08:33No.
08:36Wait, did you say Heffernan?
08:38Yes.
08:39Oh, then yes, I am, yes.
08:41Well, I'm, uh, I'm Les Fisker.
08:43Oh, hi, hello.
08:46Oh, thank you for the card.
08:48Oh, you're welcome, yes, you are.
08:5020 to life.
08:51Very clever.
08:52Oh, it just kind of came to me.
08:54You're in the wrong business.
08:56You should be writing for Imus.
08:58Oh, thanks.
08:59Thank you very much.
09:01Anyway, it was very thoughtful.
09:03Thank you again.
09:03No problem.
09:04Well, you take care of that.
09:05Doug?
09:06Yeah.
09:07How are things going for you guys down here?
09:10Oh, uh, you know what?
09:12Everything's been, uh, really, uh, really good.
09:14You know, things are going good.
09:16People really, customers really,
09:17seem to enjoy their, their packages.
09:19Ah!
09:20That's kind of hot.
09:20When you start drawing.
09:23All right, well, you know, good seeing you.
09:25Yeah, Doug, Doug.
09:26Crazy thought just hit me.
09:27Yeah.
09:28You know, the company's given me this banquet thing on Saturday.
09:31Yeah, uh-huh.
09:31Yeah.
09:32Well, it's, uh, it's gonna be like a, a roast, you know?
09:35One of those things where people get up to the microphone and zing, you know?
09:38Ooh, ouch.
09:41You wanna roast me?
09:43I'm sorry, what?
09:44Roast me.
09:45You'll represent the other drivers.
09:47And, uh, don't hold back.
09:49I think I can take a joke.
09:51Uh, well, I guess we'll find out on Saturday, huh?
09:53Ha!
09:54Ha!
09:56Ha!
09:56Ha!
09:57Ha!
09:57Ha!
09:58Ha!
09:59Ha!
10:00Ha!
10:00Ha!
10:02Ha!
10:03Ha!
10:04Ha!
10:04Ha!
10:07Ha!
10:13Hey, babe.
10:14Hello.
10:16I picked up some deli.
10:18Mmm!
10:18Deli, great!
10:20So did you give Mr. Fisker the card?
10:23Just like you told me.
10:26And did your world come crashing down?
10:30Yes, it did.
10:35What do you mean?
10:36Well, it seems he was so tickled by your little card that now I have to roast the man.
10:42What?
10:42Yeah, I gotta stand in front of a bunch of people at a banquet and insult him.
10:46You have so screwed me up here.
10:48So then he thought my card was funny, huh?
10:52He sure did.
10:54Oh, 20 to life.
10:55That's some big funny.
10:56That's Gallagher funny right there.
10:59Now, calm down.
11:00This is a good thing.
11:01I mean, out of all the drivers, Fisker picked you to do this.
11:05That means he likes you.
11:06Okay, let's review.
11:07Don't want him to like me.
11:08Don't want him to know me.
11:10Okay?
11:10You made me kiss his butt.
11:12Now I'm wearing his ass as a Durban.
11:20Do you still want deli?
11:22I'm angry, not dead.
11:29He was born and raised on a farm outside of Norfolk, Nebraska.
11:33I know he's a real farm boy because last night I saw him at the bar with a couple of
11:37pigs.
11:39All right, Arthur, this isn't helping at all.
11:42Are you kidding?
11:43These are the classic celebrity roasts.
11:45You can get a lot of material.
11:47Unless you think you have nothing to learn from Mr. Fred Travelina.
11:52All right, fine.
11:54Show me something I can use.
11:56Ooh, ooh.
11:57This is a great bit for you.
11:58Look.
12:00You Muhammad Ali, huh?
12:10Huh?
12:14Huh?
12:14You like?
12:16Okay.
12:16Couple problems here.
12:18First of all, my boss is not heavyweight champion of the world.
12:22And I am not the Jeffersons.
12:25So what?
12:26Just tweak it.
12:27Update the references in your home.
12:28Do I have to spoon feed this to you?
12:32Goodbye.
12:34Wait.
12:34Wait.
12:35Look.
12:35Foster Brooks.
12:37Use his drunk routine.
12:40Hey, Fisher.
12:42Give me another martini.
12:47Oh, I missed a day when alcoholism was light, breezy entertainment.
12:55You know, I used to love you.
12:57Now I associate you with pain.
13:01Haven't written any jokes yet?
13:03No.
13:04I got so desperate, I even turned to mini-me out there.
13:07All right, folks.
13:08And you're missing Bruce Jenner.
13:11Look, don't worry about it.
13:12You'll come up with something.
13:14You still have...
13:14Two days, Carrie.
13:15I got two days.
13:16All right, big deal.
13:17All you have to do is come up with a few cute little jokes.
13:19You know, it's not that hard.
13:21Not that...
13:22Oh, that's right!
13:23I forgot.
13:24I'm married to a gifted funny lady.
13:26You know what?
13:27Hey, you worked the magic on my car.
13:28Let's see what you can do with this, Miss Buzzy.
13:33Okay, you got some, uh, very disturbing doodles here.
13:36Jokes, please.
13:37Okay.
13:38I'll come up with something.
13:48What's going on?
13:48The gag is coming so fast and furious you can't write them down.
13:50Do you want me to get a tape recorder?
13:51Shut up.
13:52Okay, I got it.
13:53I got it.
13:54I got it.
13:56His name is Les Fisker, right?
13:57Mm-hmm.
13:58Okay, this is what you say.
14:00Hey, everybody.
14:02We're here to honor Les Fisker.
14:05Hey, if he's Les, I'd hate to see more.
14:13I don't want to roast him.
14:14Come on, Dick.
14:15It'll be fun.
14:15Hey, hey.
14:16If he's Les, I'd hate to see more.
14:19Hey, you can have that one.
14:21Look, man, I got a family to feed.
14:23I'm not in the rush to insult my boss in public.
14:25Not insult, rib.
14:26And once again, a lot of fun.
14:28So why don't you want to do it?
14:29I'm...
14:30It's not my thing.
14:31I'm not funny in front of people the way you are.
14:33Hey, hey, hey, my homies.
14:34What's up?
14:34Deke Man in the...
14:35He's the...
14:41Don't do that again.
14:44Come on, man.
14:44I'm begging you.
14:45It ain't gonna happen, my friends.
14:49Hey.
14:49Hey, Dugan, how about you?
14:51Come on, you want to give it a shot?
14:52Morales? Huh?
14:52Hey, you guys could be a team.
14:54Irish Puerto Rican.
14:55I'm laughing already.
14:56And a great plea for tolerance.
14:58Hello.
14:59Hey.
15:00Psst.
15:01Here comes your boyfriend.
15:03Morning.
15:04Morning.
15:04Hello.
15:05Don't mean to scare you folks by coming downstairs.
15:08You're all doing a great job.
15:09Great job.
15:10You probably heard that Doug here is gonna be roasting me tomorrow night.
15:14You saw his card I put up on the bulletin board.
15:17You know, Doug is...
15:18Well, he's, uh...
15:19He's one funny SOB, huh?
15:23Well, he's gonna be zinging me.
15:24For you folks.
15:25I just wanted to say to all of you.
15:27Up yours in advance, huh?
15:29Huh?
15:32Well, that's all.
15:33Let's get to work, people.
15:34Let's go, go, go.
15:35Chop, chop.
15:36Come on.
15:42Um, Mr. Fisker?
15:44Yeah, Doug.
15:45Uh, uh, about the roast thing.
15:48Yeah.
15:49It's just that I don't think that...
15:50I mean, I might not be able to do it.
15:53No?
15:54Why not?
15:55Uh, well, you see, uh, I forgot that we have a thing this weekend.
16:00My wife's sister, as it turns out, is having her roast tomorrow.
16:04What?
16:04Well, it's really more of a wedding, but we're probably gonna make fun of her a little.
16:07She stutters.
16:09What's going on, Doug?
16:10You really have a wedding?
16:11You're just jerking my chain.
16:13No, no, no, no.
16:14Hey, look, if I was gonna jerk your chain,
16:15I would've done it the other day in the men's room, right?
16:17Wah-bang!
16:20If you don't want to come to my banquet, then don't come.
16:23But don't make a fool of me, Doug.
16:27Uh, Mr. Fisker, you know what?
16:29Flott, uh, I don't know if I really have to go to the wedding.
16:33She's just a half-sister.
16:35Bottom line, I will, uh, see you at the roast.
16:39All right.
16:40Good.
16:41Good.
16:52Hey, honey, how you doing?
16:54I can't stop sweating.
16:57Poor baby.
16:59I put a couple of your maxi pads under my armpits, but...
17:05They just soak right through.
17:07Yeah, that's because these are for light days.
17:11I'm so nervous, the back of my head is actually numb.
17:14Doug, everything's gonna be okay.
17:16Everyone's there just to have some fun.
17:18You'll...
17:18You'll go up, you'll do your jokes here,
17:20everyone will laugh,
17:21and it'll all be over with.
17:24You think?
17:24Yes.
17:25Now, come on.
17:26Lay your head right here.
17:28It's okay.
17:29Everything's gonna be just fine.
17:31Yes, it is.
17:45And now, speaking for the drivers, Doug Heffernan.
17:53Thank you, Alex.
17:55Well, it certainly has been a fun evening thus far.
18:01Hello, everyone.
18:02I know that we're all gathered here tonight for the same reason.
18:06The shrimp toast.
18:10But seriously, uh...
18:12Les, you've been here like 20 years, right?
18:14Yeah.
18:15Wow, that's a...
18:16That's a long time.
18:17I think the reason he's lasted so long is because he works so hard.
18:21Or is it that he hardly works?
18:27My God, that's generic.
18:31Seriously, again, Les has done a great job here at IPS.
18:34He's gotten the whole place running like clockwork.
18:38If that clock was built by a crazed wino.
18:46No, no, really.
18:47Les...
18:48Les has personally introduced some great innovations at IPS.
18:51The three-hour lunch,
18:53and, of course, his bring your underage girlfriend to work day.
19:00But all joking aside,
19:01it was Les' idea for guaranteed overnight delivery
19:05and to start a late-night pickup service.
19:07Oh, and speaking of late-night pickups,
19:10how about his wife, Alana?
19:20Yeah.
19:21Isn't she a great gal?
19:22I don't...
19:22I don't want to say Alana is easy,
19:24but she gives a whole new meaning to the phrase,
19:27please form an orderly line.
19:30Are you with me?
19:33I'm kidding.
19:34You know I love you, Alana.
19:36Later, in my truck.
19:43Let me ask you this, folks.
19:44Do you guys know actually how many people work at IPS?
19:48Huh?
19:48Anybody know?
19:49It's one out of four.
19:52Hey, did every table get a number two pencil?
19:54I'm kidding around, Red.
19:57Nice hair, sir.
19:58Does that come with a chin strap?
20:00Love you in cocoon.
20:01All right.
20:03Forty-two years of wedded bliss.
20:07Let's hear it for them, folks.
20:08Let's hear it for them.
20:11The Goosemans.
20:12The Goosemans.
20:18And, uh...
20:22You know what I'm talking about.
20:26Let's hear it.
20:26Oh, gosh, this has been great, folks.
20:31You know what?
20:31Let's not forget what this night is truly about.
20:34Les Fisker, huh?
20:36One lucky man right there.
20:38You are.
20:38You're lucky enough to have a banquet.
20:39I'll tell you what you're not lucky enough to have.
20:41Yeah.
20:41Is a bladder that empties in under 20 minutes.
20:44I lost a vacation day waiting for this guy to finish.
20:49I mean it, man.
20:51Maybe you ought to pull into a Jiffy Lube
20:52and have him put you up on the rack, you know?
20:56Seriously, you know?
20:59Les had his prostate removed.
21:02What?
21:03Cancer.
21:08Cancer, huh?
21:10Man.
21:12Boy, that cancer's wild, isn't it?
21:46All right. Let's see what we got here.
21:49Dear Mr. Fisker,
21:51Thank you again for being such a good sport about the roast.
21:54As you said, what kind of world would it be if we couldn't laugh at ourselves?
21:58By the way, working the night shift has turned out to be a nice change of pace after all.
22:06It's a joke.
22:28It's a joke.
22:36Since this is no subject of your age, we have won't have the unsilor on the guidelines
22:36Understood.
22:41You.
22:56You can't give them to the singers on Sunday.
23:00рис forว Richter and next�.
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