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00:04yeah hello oh hey Arthur it's me Doug what can I do you for actually I was just calling to
00:09check
00:09the messages off of the machine so just hang up and I'll I'll call right back gotcha okay
00:23yellow Arthur didn't I just ask you not to pick up no you said I should hang up and you'd
00:28call
00:28right back okay what I meant was I wanted the machine to get it not you I'm trying to check
00:34my messages you want me to just check them for you no no thank you no last time you did
00:39that you
00:39erased all the messages and our outgoing messages and unplugged the lamp just let it ring okay that's
00:47your world I just live in it yellow Arthur what did I just say I'm sorry it's habit well do
01:01me a favor
01:01or break the habit okay I'm running out of freaking change here hello Arthur what is this some kind of
01:16sick little joke I'm sorry I've been answering the phone my whole life you're asking me to undo 75
01:23years of instinct in a moment that is not easy just don't pick up fine I'm going downstairs to lie
01:31down well thank you yeah hello Arthur oh god what the hell is going on in your head that you
01:46keep
01:46doing this I need to understand my eyes are getting weary my back is getting tight I'm sitting here in
01:56traffic on the queensburg bridge tonight but I don't care cause all I want to do
02:05is cash my check and drive right home to you
02:11cause baby all my life I will be driving home to you
02:32baby you ready
02:36let's hit it cowboy boots that's right ma'am so what you're gonna go rope yourself a meatball
02:43sandwich I like them plus they were on sale at Tom McCann honey just because something is on sale
02:49doesn't mean you have to buy it we discussed this when you came home with the microscope
02:54now go ahead go change fine I'll change but not because of you only because they hurt like hell
03:06hello hey it's me oh hey Kel we're just about out the door what's up I'm glad I caught you
03:10we're
03:10gonna have to cancel on you tonight oh why Deacon has to work late again oh that's crappy well how
03:17about we do something tomorrow what about uh brunch over here I'll see you then okay bye bye all right
03:22got my sneakers on spotlight's back on you now happy Kelly just called and canceled Deacon has to
03:30work late tonight really so you want to just do takeout all right how about Italian hey how about
03:38we do Chinese you want to try that new place tongue shing house you had me at tongue
03:50hi how you doing now my wife called in another time what is your last name
03:57hello sir I'm sorry you just you threw me with the British thing there I grew up in Hong Kong
04:04I
04:04apologize if I'm not ethnic enough for you would you like me to check it up a little
04:07check I told she teach I told it's no bother I'd love to wait she got the name's everton it's
04:16right
04:16there I'm 1850 okay we'll be ready in a moment all right thanks
04:42hey man hey hey what's uh going on there chiefie nothing much just uh just having some dinner dinner
04:51big fan no no secret there though huh so I thought you were so who's your friend here
05:00Doug this is Angie hi hi how you doing nice to meet you Deacon's told me a lot about you
05:06has he cuz uh he hasn't told me that much about what oh gosh I guess my one is ready
05:12okay uh I guess I
05:14will see you tomorrow I will see you whenever or not either way it was okay coming okay I gotta
05:20go
05:20all right I know this looks a little weird no no you're just pretending to work late to meet with
05:30your lovely vacation planner because you're gonna surprise Kelly with a trip to Oahu no
05:34Puerto Rico no Amish country give me Amish country no man no what it's what it looks like all right
05:42I can't believe this man hey American GI you're a number one good time order it's enough of that okay
05:49I get it look I should get back just be cool about this and I promise we'll talk tomorrow okay
05:56we'll talk
06:00tomorrow you call this a family restaurant so I looked her square in the eyes and said ma'am you
06:11are undoubtedly the most fetching woman in all of Shreveport and what did she say my good sir I do
06:19believe you're giving me the famous nice then what happened I knocked the barbecue out of a hand bent
06:28her over the porch railing and said I'll give you more than vapors you're not charming story gone
06:38very wrong what's going on with you two over there I'm fine you haven't eaten a thing yeah you know
06:46what
06:47um I'm really not I'm not hungry what I'm not hungry that allowed it's allowed just never heard
06:56you say it what's your story oh nothing just it's tired well if you can tell your boss maybe one
07:04time
07:04that you can't work late it doesn't work that way well why is it always you that has to stay
07:09how
07:10should I know well I'd say it's pretty damn clear why you got some crap work give it to the
07:15colored guy
07:18there's nothing going on at work now drop it sure why not drop it by the way how's the weather
07:23in
07:23the town of a young white maleville for God's sakes everyone has to work late I work late all the
07:30time no you don't sure I do when actually I have to work late this coming Thursday now can we
07:39please
07:40in the sweet name of all that is holy talk about something else Arthur you were saying a story you
07:43had
07:44her bent over the railing then what happened no wait a second I thought you had Nick's tickets for
07:49Thursday I do I guess I just won't be able to use them can I have them yes you may
07:57sweet diggity oh
08:00crap honey would you do me a favor and grab me a sponge uh yeah uh you know what Deke
08:04why don't you
08:05give me a hand in case the sponges a pie you got it all right you said you talked to
08:14me today so talk
08:15to me what's up what's going on Angie's an old friend from high school I hadn't seen her since
08:19but then she emailed me a couple of months ago you know how you doing what's going on I emailed
08:24her back
08:25and things kind of took off from there what did you go and email her back for plenty of other
08:30things
08:31to do on the internet you think that you're gambling you're porn all the other stuff it's it's just that
08:42Angie and I really connect you know we can talk with Kelly lately she's got her things going on I
08:49got
08:49my things and more and more it just seems like our things are different but just put your things that
08:54are
08:54different together they did it with the Reese's peanut butter cup and it was a huge success Douglas
08:58quick question what is it Arthur can I grant those Nick tickets from you now you know I'll give them
09:03to you later what if I don't see you later live in our basement I will see you give me
09:09a time
09:113 a.m. or p.m. if it's a.m. I need to move some things around will you just
09:17leave us alone fine
09:22why didn't you tell me I haven't told anyone I'm not exactly proud of it Doug honey I think you
09:28misunderstood I meant the indoor sponge not the outdoor sponge I was uh just talking to Deke about
09:34my uh uh Roy Orbison collectible plate yeah yeah Doug was saying how it may or may not increase in
09:41value I hope it increases all right well my ears are about to snap off I'm gonna head back inside
09:49honey you're getting a snotsicle we better get back in there look I hate to put you in this position
09:58man but please just be cool for a little while longer okay all right look I got ranger tickets
10:03for next month don't blow that for me all right you guys thanks again it was great hey let's do
10:19a
10:19movie this week yeah I'll call you all right okay good people nice people solid people
10:28Doug honey do I strike you as stupid and or unaware nope you are sharp as against you pretty
10:35girl so then what's going on nothing are you enjoying that issue of Marie Claire yes I am by the
10:48way I know you're staring at me and it doesn't bother me a bit stare all you want there's nothing
10:53going on in fact what's going on with you yeah maybe there's something going on with you maybe
11:01I should stare right back at you how would that feel huh eyes off all right so let me think
11:16about
11:16this you've been acting strange ever since you came home from the restaurant last night did did
11:21something happen there maybe but I'm not at liberty to discuss it did what happened involved
11:29deacon because you guys have been acting very weird this morning perhaps but once again not at liberty
11:38just got those knick tickets so I know you're not really working late
11:42was deacon really working late last night or were you like covering for him okay do you understand the
11:49concept of not at liberty if you called liberty right now I wouldn't be there when you picked up the
11:57food last night did you did you see deacon there with another woman yes but that's all you're getting out
12:04of
12:06me oh my god he's having an affair you did not hear that from me okay if it ever comes
12:11up you heard it
12:12from a British Chinese guy Kelly is gonna be so devastated oh you're not planning on telling Kelly
12:21Doug the man is running around behind her back she has a right to know she's my best friend well
12:26he's my
12:27best friend that I only promised I wouldn't say anything but tough Doug I can't look her in the
12:30eyes and not tell her so don't look at her eyes look at her breasts that's what I do Doug
12:36listen to me
12:37hon I know this is tough on you but it's tough on me too I'm sorry if deacon doesn't tell
12:42Kelly I'm gonna
12:43have to there you are look we uh we need to talk yeah I kind of need to talk to
12:49you too what's up man I
12:50couldn't even sleep last night I don't know man I just feel like I really hey Birkin why don't you
12:57go take that dog for a walk huh yeah bye bye please all right go ahead look I just feel
13:03like I screwed up
13:04so bad man and now I'm dragging you into this and hey I'm gonna pay you for those Nick tickets
13:08all
13:08right you shut up come on you think I care about those huh they were a gift from Carrie's boss
13:11right
13:13sorry although they're worth like 160 bucks if you want to toss me something that's your call
13:16whatever I gotta tell you I did a lot of thinking last night and
13:28and what I'm definitely gonna break things off with Angie excellent idea that's it man you break
13:34things off with Angie and you tell Kelly and everything's back to ham and eggs tell Kelly
13:39oh no no no no way man why not I think you're gonna be surprised she has very kind eyes
13:44yo she's
13:45hit me with a frying pan it ain't liking cartoons man that sucker hurts you know what let me come
13:50at
13:50this from a slightly different angle Carrie knows and if you don't tell Kelly she will you don't carry
13:55I can't believe you man I didn't tell her she got it out of me how Doug she stared at
14:01me you know you
14:03just couldn't keep your mouth shut could you know what you are you're a yenta I am not a yenta
14:07yes you
14:07are yenta yenta yenta yenta yenta yenta yenta yenta yenta you're the one who's sleeping around with
14:11someone else who's not your wife what are you talking about I never slept with Angie what I never
14:16slept with her I mean I'm not sure what would have happened but so far all we've done is meet
14:20for
14:20dinner you know talk guy am I crazy or is that not the kind of information you'll lead with I
14:27guess
14:27what I figured what I was doing was still kind of cheating no it's not your big dumb ox it's
14:33not
14:33that bad at all now you tell Kelly I'll tell Carrie we can get on with our lives there we
14:39just cheated
14:39more than you ever did Carrie in here great news my little chicky turns out Deke is not cheating with
14:50that woman what what do you mean just what I said he's not cheating he's had as much sex with
14:55her as
14:55I've had with your dad and that's none but you saw them in the restaurant together I mean if they
15:01weren't having an affair what was going on well they just meet for dinner they eat they talk they
15:05connect and does Kelly know no then he's still cheating no he's not yes he is Doug the man is
15:13lying to his wife sneaking around with another woman sharing intimate feelings that is cheating no
15:19it isn't yes it is no you got to be naked to cheat wrong so you're telling me if I
15:25met a woman and we
15:26went out for a dinner or two and then say I forgot to tell you about it right I would
15:31be cheating yes
15:32really and that would be just as bad as if I actually slept with her yes good to know
15:40that's great it's really great Doug make your stupid little jokes but I gotta tell you I am stunned
15:46then on something as important as the meaning of marriage and commitment that we would be so
15:52far apart yeah well we are my friend you're way over there and I'm way over here oh shut up
16:01I'll get it what do you want for dinner I don't care
16:08Deke what's going on man that's old Kelly and you know what you were wrong it is as bad as
16:12cheating
16:12I know I'm in the middle of the same argument she threw you out yeah with no shoes yeah and
16:20as hard as it is to get a cap as a black man imagine trying to get one as a
16:23black man with no shoes
16:28hey Carrie what does he want easy okay he's been tossed out shoeless I have nothing to say to him
16:36or you or anybody else in this whole sickening subject excuse me sit down man you sure it's
16:46okay no it is not okay hey you know what I just figured out what I want for dinner a
16:53nice hot
16:53bowl of shutted stew does he know that he has a baby huh you know what I'm sorry I've had
17:06shutted
17:06stew before and it sure as diddly didn't taste like that hey man maybe you better stay in a motel
17:14tonight yeah look Kelly kicked me out without my wallet can you lend me a few bucks oh yeah no
17:19problem do not give him money why not because it's half mine and I don't want you to well fine
17:27then
17:27I'll just give him twice as much for my half and you know what I'll drive him to the motel
17:36myself and
17:37my half of the car come on fine and while you're gone I'm gonna bake you a nice warm flaky
17:44my leg in
17:45your ass up to my knee pie for dessert that was such a reach what is the huge ruckus here
17:59it's all a man
18:00can do to take a simple four-hour nap I'm sorry dad it's it it's Doug he's just got me
18:06so what happened
18:09okay okay let me ask you a question if someone is married and then sneaks around and has dinner with
18:17another person even though they are not sleeping with that other person would you say that that
18:22was wrong look darling I know Douglas isn't the most physically attractive man in the world but
18:29I beg you not to jump ship just yet now I have a book downstairs of special positions for the
18:36overweight that I think I think it could be a big help I am not talking about me I am
18:45talking about a
18:46friend and is that friend you no it's not it's it's Kelly and are you Kelly you don't have to
19:02give
19:02Kelly air quotes you know her oh my god how dare she cheat on that boy while he's out working
19:08late
19:09to pay for her fancy creams and powders she's not doing anything he is oh and then Doug covers for
19:18him and like that's not bad enough he comes home tonight all lit up and happy because as it turns
19:23out Deacon hasn't slept with this skankola yet like we should all give him some fat freaking award for
19:29that I told Doug he was wrong and I'm just I'm so mad at him you're not mad at him
19:36uh trust me I am
19:38no no honey you see you and Doug look to Deacon and Kelly as an example of a perfect couple
19:44now
19:45that their supposedly solid marriage is in trouble you start to wonder who's to say yours isn't next
19:55you're not angry cookie you're scared wow dad that was a remarkably lucid thing to say
20:06I'm coming right out of a nap
20:32you're not angry
20:46piano plays softly
21:12piano plays softly
21:13Yeah, I'm home.
21:56You've reached the Heffernans.
21:57We're not here to take your call, so leave a message.
22:01Arthur, are you there?
22:03Arthur, I just left the house two seconds ago when you were there.
22:05Pick up.
22:07Oh, no.
22:07I'm not falling for your games, big boy.
22:10Arthur, come on, pick up.
22:11I think I left the oven on and the pilot light is broken.
22:16No sale.
22:17Arthur!
22:18Arthur, come on, man.
22:19I know you're there.
22:20Pick up the damn phone!
22:23Pick up the phone, old man!
22:25Pick up the phone, old man!
22:27Pick up the phone, old man!
22:30Pick up the phone, old man!
22:32Pick up the phone, old man!
22:36Pick up the phone, old man!
22:38Pick up the phone, old man!
22:40Pick up the phone, old man!
22:41Pick up the phone, old man!
22:43Pick up the phone, old man!
22:43Pick up the phone, old man!
22:43Pick up the phone, old man!
22:44Pick up the phone, old man!
22:44Pick up the phone, old man!
22:45Pick up the phone, old man!
22:45Pick up the phone, old man!
22:45Pick up the phone, old man!
22:46Pick up the phone, old man!
22:46Pick up the phone, old man!
22:47Pick up the phone, old man!
22:48Pick up the phone, old man!
22:54Pick up the phone, old man!
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