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00:16What the?
00:26No, I mean it. Thank you.
00:38Hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing with that?
00:41Just watching the sunlight hit it.
00:44That is for tomorrow.
00:46But I'm hungry. I'm just gonna take a leg.
00:49Doug, we are having guests for Thanksgiving,
00:51and I am not serving them a one-legged turkey.
00:55Well, what, turkey can't be handicapped?
00:56Well, you got some kind of problem.
00:58Come on. I will find you something in there
01:01that is good, okay?
01:03Here we go. Let's see.
01:06Okay, you can't have that.
01:08Mashed potatoes, no.
01:09Yum, no. Pie, no.
01:11Okay, you know what? You name one more thing I can have,
01:12and I'm gonna...
01:18I'm sorry.
01:19I don't think there's anything in here that you can have.
01:21How about stuffing? A little stuffing.
01:22Come on, I love you.
01:27No.
01:27It's stuffing.
01:28You can't tell if stuffing's missing.
01:32I'll remold it.
01:33I'll even it out.
01:34Hey, look at me.
01:35No one has to know.
01:38Oh, oh, oh. Look, looky here.
01:41I found something that you can have.
01:44Oh, Lunchables.
01:45Oh, this is it.
01:47It's great. You know why?
01:48Because this is like lunch,
01:49only a lot smaller.
01:51This is going to be perfect.
01:52Thank you very much.
01:54There we go.
01:56Hmm.
01:57Hmm.
01:59Hmm.
02:04I'm stuffed.
02:07My eyes are getting weary.
02:10My back is getting tight.
02:12I'm sitting here in traffic
02:14on the Queensborough Bridge tonight.
02:18But I don't care,
02:19because all I want to do
02:23is cash my check and drive
02:25right home to you.
02:28Because maybe all my life
02:31I will be driving home to you.
02:50I, for one, am stuffed.
02:52Mmm.
02:55Whew.
02:56Thanksgiving, man.
02:58Not a good day to be my pants.
03:02There aren't a lot of real good days.
03:06That's nice. Very nice.
03:07After we just fed you.
03:09The carrot of food was unbelievable.
03:10Yes, honey.
03:11It was delicious. Thank you.
03:13Oh, don't thank me.
03:14Thank the good folks
03:14at Holiday in a Box.
03:16Yeah, but who went and picked it up?
03:18Actually, they dropped it off.
03:21Well, come on, girl.
03:22Who reheated it?
03:24That's true.
03:25I did.
03:25Okay, okay.
03:26Pride is back.
03:27Yeah.
03:29Ugh.
03:30You know the food is good
03:31when it knocks a man out cold.
03:35Hey, you want to stick his hand
03:36in warm water
03:36and see if we can make him pee?
03:38Yeah.
03:39It'll be nice to be
03:41on the other end of that for once.
03:43But even if it does work,
03:44aren't you just going to be
03:45ruining your own couch?
03:47Oh, good point.
03:47Good point.
03:48Let's see here.
03:50Oh, this is perfect.
03:52This is great.
03:57Oh, man.
03:59Shh, shh, shh.
04:06That's horrible.
04:07It's funny, right?
04:08Yes.
04:10Actually, my kid
04:12could look exactly like that.
04:16Doug, what the hell
04:18are you doing to him?
04:19I'm just dressing him up
04:19like a big baby.
04:20Relax.
04:21Stop it.
04:22He's killing time
04:22until dessert.
04:24Doug, it's Thanksgiving.
04:25Could you be nice?
04:26I think I have a right
04:27to mess with him
04:27on Thanksgiving.
04:29Dessert's up.
04:30What are you talking about?
04:31Are you kidding me?
04:32You remember how he tortured me
04:33the first Thanksgiving
04:33I met him?
04:34My God, it was hell.
04:35I remember Thanksgiving
04:37very well.
04:37It was a great day.
04:38It was the first time
04:39I got the nerve up
04:41to tell you I love you.
04:42Got the nerve up?
04:43It wasn't so hard
04:44after I told you.
04:45What?
04:46You think you told me first?
04:48Si, señorita.
04:49Uh, I think I told you first,
04:52señor.
04:52Okay, you know what?
04:53Don't go Spanish.
04:53I went Spanish.
04:56Spanish?
05:01Dad got you up?
05:03You know what?
05:04Dad will know.
05:05Dad, do you remember
05:06meeting Doug
05:07for the first time
05:08on Thanksgiving?
05:08Of course I remember
05:09meeting Doug.
05:11I believe it was Thanksgiving.
05:17Daddy, we're going
05:18to the Thanksgiving party now.
05:19Oh, have fun, sweetheart.
05:22Hey, you touch
05:23one hair on her head,
05:25I'll gut you like a fish.
05:27I'll scramble.
05:31Dad, that was Donnie Peacock
05:34and we were eight years old
05:35and he ran out
05:36of the house crying.
05:38I am talking about
05:39meeting Doug
05:40on Thanksgiving.
05:42You don't remember?
05:50I'll take the Thanksgiving
05:51special, Kimiko.
05:53Oh, yes, I'll sign.
05:59No, that couldn't be the one.
06:04Dad, 1993.
06:06I had been dating Doug
06:07a few months.
06:08You were still married
06:09to Lily.
06:10You remember?
06:19Here you go.
06:20A little taste
06:21of what's coming.
06:23Delicious.
06:24As are you,
06:25m'lady.
06:25Oh.
06:26Mmm.
06:28Guys, guys,
06:29guys,
06:30guys,
06:30my boyfriend's
06:31going to be here
06:31any minute
06:32and we're not
06:32close to ready.
06:33Any chance
06:34we can get dinner
06:34going before you guys
06:35get to third base?
06:38You heard her.
06:38get off.
06:41So, uh,
06:41who is this, uh,
06:43Heffernan fellow?
06:45Heffernan, Dad.
06:45Doug Heffernan.
06:46He's a guy
06:47I've been dating
06:47for six months.
06:49Any relation
06:49to Lou Heffernan?
06:50I don't know.
06:51Uh, where's the ladle?
06:52Oh, wouldn't that be funny
06:53if they were related, huh?
06:55Yes, that would be
06:56very, very funny, Lily.
06:57Listen, um,
06:58by the way, you guys,
06:59I took down
06:59your naked poster
07:00of John and Yoko.
07:02Please don't fight me
07:02on that.
07:04So, what is this
07:05young man's
07:06line of work, anyway?
07:07Uh, he's training
07:08to be a driver
07:08at IPS.
07:10Oh, boy.
07:11Oh, Dad,
07:13it's a good job.
07:14Yeah, it's a swell job
07:15until they invent
07:16a machine to do it.
07:18I don't want you
07:19to talk.
07:19You polish bowling balls
07:20for a living.
07:21I polish and engrave them.
07:23Show me the machine
07:24that can do that.
07:26Leave her alone, Arthur.
07:28I'm glad she finally
07:29found a boy
07:30she's serious about.
07:32Has he told you
07:33he loves you yet?
07:34Oh, not yet.
07:35He's not the, uh,
07:36say I love you
07:36out loud type of guy.
07:38Hmm.
07:39Well, I know
07:40I'm not your mother, dear,
07:41but may I still
07:43offer you a word
07:43of advice?
07:44Uh, sure.
07:46If you want
07:47to make a sale,
07:48you gotta let
07:49the customer
07:49sample the merchandise.
07:53Absolutely.
07:54I will do him
07:55in his car tonight.
07:59Leave her alone, Lily.
08:00Just because you
08:01gave it away
08:01doesn't mean she should.
08:03Well, I wouldn't have
08:03if you hadn't been
08:04so damn good
08:05at the mambo.
08:07Come in!
08:11Stop dancing.
08:12Stop dancing.
08:13Stop dancing.
08:13Okay, okay.
08:14Let me explain
08:15something here, okay?
08:16I really, really
08:18like this guy,
08:19and I have put off
08:20having him meet you
08:21for six months,
08:21but at this point
08:22I am running out
08:22of excuses.
08:24So if you two could,
08:26I don't know,
08:26maybe imitate
08:27normal people
08:28just for today,
08:29I would really
08:30appreciate it
08:31because Doug
08:32is very, very special.
08:36I got you.
08:37Damn.
08:38Oh.
08:38It's worth the mini-puke
08:39to be the best.
08:40See, that's where
08:41we're different.
08:42I'm not that committed.
08:45Hello, Douglas.
08:47Hey, man.
08:48Hey, this is the guy
08:49I was telling you
08:49about from work.
08:50Deacon Palmer,
08:51Spence Olchen.
08:52At your service.
08:53Word up, Spence.
08:54Oh, most people
08:55call me the Spenceinator.
08:57So, Doug,
08:58are you nervous
08:59about meeting
08:59Cary's family?
09:00Yeah, I kind of am,
09:01you know?
09:01I thought I would've
09:01met him sooner,
09:02but apparently
09:03they spend a lot
09:04of time in the Orient.
09:06So you guys
09:07are starting
09:07to get serious.
09:08I think so.
09:10I think so.
09:11Olive,
09:12have you said
09:13the L word yet?
09:15Not yet.
09:16It's cocked
09:17and loaded, though.
09:18Today could be the day.
09:19I'm gonna tell you
09:20love her.
09:21Wow.
09:22Only time I heard
09:22you use that word
09:23was talking about
09:24pork snacks
09:25and Mookie Wilson.
09:28Oh, Cary's about
09:29to join that
09:29exclusive club.
09:31Do, do, do, do.
09:32Doug and Cary
09:34can't touch them.
09:41Okay, this baby
09:42is ready for action.
09:44Good heavens,
09:45we've got a lot
09:46of food here.
09:46I hope your dog
09:47fellow likes to eat.
09:48I think we're good.
09:51Oh, Arthur,
09:52I told you
09:52two hours ago
09:53to clean up
09:54all these boat brochures.
09:56Well, I'm sorry,
09:56but I'm right
09:57on the verge
09:58of a decision.
09:59Stop it, Arthur.
10:00We're not buying a boat.
10:01Oh, come on,
10:02Lily Darling.
10:03I even have a name
10:04all picked out for her.
10:05The Lily Darling.
10:17Arthur,
10:17you are such a dreamer.
10:19I am not.
10:19All I have to do
10:20is go to the bank,
10:21get a loan,
10:21and five minutes later,
10:22I'm Captain Artie
10:23of the Lily Darling.
10:25It is not that simple
10:26to get a loan, Arthur.
10:27Boats are very expensive.
10:29Oh, I see.
10:30So, is this your way
10:31of rubbing the bankruptcy
10:32in my face?
10:38So, make sure
10:39you're in a magazine.
10:42Bye.
10:44Why don't you go back
10:45to the street corner
10:45where I found you?
10:46I was waiting
10:47for the bus.
10:48Whatever helped you
10:49sleep at night.
10:53Dad, get out of the bathroom now.
10:56Now.
10:57She's fired.
10:58He's a moron.
11:00She shaves her lip.
11:02His nipples don't match.
11:10You're insane.
11:11I heard that.
11:16Crap, he's here.
11:18I'll get it.
11:19Don't get it.
11:20I have to get it.
11:22The poor schmo
11:23is standing right
11:23on the porch.
11:26Ah, you must be Doug.
11:29One sec, hon.
11:32Keep here.
11:33Now get out of the
11:34freaking crapper.
11:38Dad, will you just come out?
11:40Not until she apologizes.
11:42Lily, just apologize.
11:43You don't have to mean it.
11:44Just say the words.
11:48All right.
11:49I'm sorry.
11:51Did you hear that, Daddy?
11:52She said she's sorry.
11:52That's so sweet of her.
11:53Now come on out.
11:55Are we getting a boat?
11:56Just say yes.
11:57The second lie
11:57is always easier.
12:06Yes, we can get a boat.
12:08Ah, do you hear that, Dad?
12:09You're gonna get your boat.
12:10And the jet ski.
12:12A jet ski?
12:14You're insane.
12:16You're not gonna get anything,
12:17you little pain in the ass.
12:18I hope you stay
12:19in that bathroom forever.
12:21Maybe I will.
12:22And by the way,
12:23I'm currently making
12:24a loon gesture.
12:28Oh, you miserable old people.
12:30I can't believe
12:31you're doing this to me.
12:33I can't believe you're doing this to me.
12:47Jerry?
12:51Doug, it's so nice
12:53to finally meet you.
12:55Come in.
12:55Please come in.
12:57Come in.
12:58Come in.
12:59Come in.
13:08Come in.
13:31Oh yeah how are you enjoying the food dear oh it's uh it's great thanks oh thank you so much
13:38for
13:38bringing these buffalo wings they look delicious no problem uh they're from uh cooper's they're
13:45they're famous for their wings half of these are hot they're half are mild i didn't know what you guys
13:53liked i like hot i like mild hey that's that's what makes world go around huh question for you
14:08is carrie coming back oh of course she is i think she's having a visit from her aunt flo
14:16so how would you like a nice warm biscuit okay yeah sure be back in the chair
14:29is the bitch gone
14:36did some some hello is she gone uh yeah she's in the kitchen
14:44arthur spooner i'm carrie's father oh hi doug heffernan so you're with ips huh yeah ips
14:52yes yep aren't you concerned about losing your job to a machine
14:59not really no i uh see i drive to a lot of people's houses and and deliver packages to them
15:07i uh don't know really how a machine would do that it's going to happen my friend yeah they're working
15:14on it even as we speak they're ready i was never here
15:24here you go piping hot oh let me freshen up that orangina
15:33give me a drumstick
15:37thank you
15:42there you go sweetheart where's the other drumstick i i don't um i think this one started out with one
15:52arthur give me back that drumstick you'll have to pry it out of my dead cold hand
16:00where's the bathroom the psycho is in it
16:03arthur duck has to go to the bathroom now get out no he can come in if he wants but
16:08i'm staying
16:10son what do you have number one or number two
16:20so you've been dating my daughter for quite a while now huh uh yes about uh six months now sir
16:27so pretty serious oh yes she she's a she's a great girl
16:34and uh you are planning to get the weight off
16:40absolutely i'm on it
16:45problem with the plumbing son
16:48no no you know i'm just having a hard time going with you in here okay oh why didn't you
16:53say so
16:54by all means i'll give you some privacy oh well thank you
17:09so where are you from
17:13regal pork oh wonderful area you must know my friend stan
17:18runs the shoeshine joint down by the dunkin donuts uh you know what nope don't know him
17:24sure you do i'm sorry don't know mr spooner for god's sake son stan stan stan
17:32shoe shine stand oh shoot shoe shine yes oh yeah he did my shoes yup yeah there you go
17:42okay you know what i'm not having any luck on this i'm just gonna go to the mobile station on
17:46the
17:46corner they're gonna make you buy something
17:51you out duck want some pie
18:01oh sweet freedom
18:07you're here were you here the whole time no i drove down to the 7-eleven to get a pack
18:14of capris
18:15oh did you oh that's nice do you mind if i don't smoke that's right i don't smoke
18:22why did you leave because i i didn't want to be there for the moment when you realize i come
18:29from a
18:29crazy farm all right you know what i would love to hear this but i gotta pee yeah okay you
18:34gotta pee
18:34you know what why don't you call me in six months when you're done peeing okay we'll have a cup
18:38of coffee
18:38six what are you talking about six i gotta pee i'm serious look if you want to just go go
18:43my
18:44my whole life's been a freak show i don't even blame you what are you doing bye i was gonna
18:48tell
18:49you i loved you today dumb ass oh god now i'm locked up
19:05doctor come in here yeah i'm just a spooner listen i couldn't help but overhear your little argument
19:12uh yeah do you think it's possible that you could send carrie out she's too upset you can't talk to
19:19her when she's like this listen you seem like a good kid wait here and i'll go talk to her
19:24try
19:25to patch things up no promises but i'll see what i can do
19:39uh
19:40uh
19:41uh
20:01sorry son no go i tried but she didn't want to hear a word of it anyway it was a
20:08pleasure to
20:08meet you maybe someday when this blows over we'll sit on my boat and have a good laugh
20:13if you still have to pee feel free to go on the azaleas their hearts
20:29doug yes did you just say you were gonna tell me you love me yes yes i did did you
20:38just pee in our
20:39bushes yes yes i did i love you i love you too
20:51where you going carrie come back he's got no future
20:57i'm telling you the two of you will be living in my house within five years
21:05end of story i said i love you first right after you peed whoa whoa whoa are you even listening
21:12to
21:12your own story way before that i said i love you dumbass no no you said i was gonna say
21:19i love you
21:20dumbass but you didn't actually say it and by the way dumbass kind of killed it anyway
21:25now you're punching wild you know it's the same it's not the same thing if you say you're gonna
21:29take the garbage out but you don't actually take the garbage out is the garbage out look i don't
21:36know where the garbage is but the point is the words i love you were never said until i said
21:42them
21:47well i said i want to have sex first that was all you
22:12what's that it's a new engraving and buffing machine
22:20you
22:27you
22:29you
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