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00:04a paintball party you say it like you've never heard those two words together all right so let
00:08me get this straight we drive a hundred miles up into the Catskills in order to run around in the
00:14muck and shoot balls of paint at each other yes it's Deacon's birthday you don't think maybe the
00:23guy should get to choose what he wants to do on his own birthday honey you really want to do
00:27this
00:28I don't care yes he does fine can't afford to paint the house but we can cram it into guns
00:33and shoot it at each other what are you running from okay can we order now I'm starving I come
00:42knowing what I want
01:08burger looks good
01:29how's that that's good
01:31my eyes are getting weary my back is getting tight I'm sitting here in traffic on the
01:40Queensborough Bridge tonight but I don't care cause all I want to do
01:47is cash my check and drive right home to you
01:53cause baby all my life I will be driving home to you
02:13if you like what the girls do during the day wait till you see you midnight stay tuned for more
02:18college girls crazy and real
02:30not my college sluts and just so you know next time we're out and you see a girl you think
02:36is hot you can look I can yes just don't be a jerk when you do it like that thing
02:41you do with your eyes it's so creepy doesn't that hurt a little but I push through
02:46come on
02:47come on you know what I'm saying just because we're married doesn't mean we're not going to be attracted to
02:51other people once in a while
02:53you know it's okay
02:56I mean I would be worried if you weren't like Jamie my Neil girl you think she's hot right no
03:00Doug yes
03:02you see it's okay you could just tell me you don't have to lurk outside the salon window when you
03:08come to pick me up
03:10she's purty
03:13yes she is
03:14so come on anybody else you could tell me
03:18alright well I guess it's Maggie at the dry cleaners
03:22oh and this toll taker on the white stone bridge
03:25I mean from the waist up she's mwah
03:26the rest of her that's anybody's guess
03:30that's why you didn't get easy pass
03:34so who revs old carry up huh
03:37alright um well I ain't hating that kid Pedro at the car wash
03:42whoa what the young buff and illegal good choice good choice
03:47so who else come on wanna wanna know what kind of nympho I'm dealing with here
03:51okay um well the sparklets guy
03:55Eric at the office
03:57Deacon
03:59oh and that guy who power walks his greyhound in the morning
04:04I'm pretty sure he's gay though you don't have to worry about it
04:07I mean those little shorts right
04:09right
04:10Deacon huh
04:12yeah Deacon among others
04:14but among others Deacon
04:18yeah
04:19so my lady's got a thing for Deacon
04:21want some Deacon and eggs
04:24I don't have a thing for him and it's no more of a big deal than the ones you said
04:28well not a big deal just a fun fact you know like a like a fruit fly lives for a
04:32day
04:33and my wife's hot for my best friend
04:36I would've thunk it
04:38I don't know
04:41let's go
04:42and we are back New York down to
04:48what
04:49nothing I just
04:50just notice that your ear is a little
04:52small for your head
04:54a little bit just a little bit
04:57I'll tell you Doug this is great hanging like this
05:00yeah glad you could make it guy
05:01I mean before my pizza place went out of business I wouldn't have time for this stuff
05:05too busy making a living
05:08everything works out for a reason
05:10I'll tell you I am really looking forward to this paintball party
05:13I could use a little relaxation
05:19you spot me right up there
05:21what happened to your car
05:22ah I sold it to buy a karaoke machine to pump up business
05:27little late on that fad
05:31I can take eight in my minivan
05:33who's going
05:34oh let's see you got us
05:36plus Carrie, Kelly
05:37my sister Stephanie
05:39yeah right with us Danny
05:42hey guys
05:43hey man
05:43what's happening
05:44I was just driving by
05:47couldn't help noticing all the cars of my friends
05:50come on man this wasn't planned it just sort of happened
05:54and I suppose hot wings just happened
05:58can you stop
05:59you remember my cousin Danny right
06:01hey man good to see you again
06:02hello
06:03come on now
06:04sit down and hang out and watch a game
06:09I would but my seat is occupado
06:13that's right here sit here okay
06:14I'm going back to the house anybody want anything
06:17some more hot wings?
06:18uh no thanks man trying to drop a few pounds
06:21good
06:22glad you're on top of that
06:25man I didn't know Doug's sister was coming on this paintball thing
06:28I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't go
06:29why not?
06:31like ten years ago
06:32we all went on this big ski trip
06:34shared this big condo
06:35yeah so?
06:36yeah so we had a couple drinks
06:39and let's just say I threw one her way
06:41huh
06:42that's very sweet of you
06:44told her that I really liked her
06:45I promised that I'd call her as soon as we got back to the city
06:48here's the kicker
06:51I never did
06:53get out
06:56so Deke
06:57the big three three
06:59hey we've got to do something special for your birthday
07:02oh we are
07:03yeah Doug's throwing me a paintball party upstate
07:06what?
07:07I told you like a month ago
07:08you remember?
07:09you called it a barbaric throwback to the worst in human nature
07:13I'd just say things to hear myself talk you know that
07:17well the thing is I mean the teams they got to be even
07:20and I uh I already invited Danny
07:25oh I see
07:27um hey I'm late for a thing
07:30uh goodbye
07:32hold on Spence
07:33you can come
07:34no no I wouldn't want to uneven your precious teams
07:38Spence it's okay
07:39forget it
07:40I don't want to get in the way of all this time you've been spending with your little cousin
07:44and by the way I know about the jet skate
07:48I only took Danny cause she's going through a hard time right now
07:50now you're coming to paintball you got it?
07:52no
07:52you're coming even if I gotta tackle you and strap you to the hood of my car
07:55what are you yelling at Spence for?
07:57because my wife thinks you're hot
08:02honey come on we got about a million people to pick up
08:05all right coming
08:08I am one handsome black man
08:12what are you doing staring at yourself in the mirror?
08:15how do you keep your hands off me?
08:18what is with you today?
08:20nothing
08:22oh some little honey on your route thought you were fine?
08:25nope
08:26at least not anyone on my route
08:28so who then?
08:30oh better than I tell you don't want to get you jealous and get those claws out
08:34oh please honey I think I can handle it
08:37if you look why you have a watch
08:38it's a beautiful arriver
08:40no no no no no!
08:43I think I've been school after I ever was
08:48and you smiled
08:51just take it some clean fresh air
08:55ma'am
09:08All right, people, listen up.
09:09Okay, now the object is to capture your enemy's flag.
09:12Okay, now remember, we're out here to have fun, but also to kill.
09:17Any questions?
09:23Okay, then.
09:26Here, hon, let me help you with that.
09:28I got it.
09:29But maybe you ought to go help your girlfriend.
09:36Need some help with that?
09:37No, I think I got it.
09:41Been a long time, huh?
09:43Has it?
09:44You look real good.
09:47You mean I'm not the fat cow I used to be?
09:50Yeah, right.
09:52Okay, well, let's get this show on the road.
09:54Dude, where the hell is Carrie?
09:58Okay, that was unpleasant.
10:00Okay, would you hurry up?
10:01We're choosing a peems.
10:02Oh, I'm sorry.
10:03It was so lovely in there.
10:04I lingered.
10:06Could you make a little effort to enjoy this?
10:08If not for me, at least for Deacon?
10:11Hey, would you stop with that already?
10:14You're the one who can't stop loving him.
10:17Yeah, that's right, Doug.
10:18I got it bad for Deacon.
10:19Guess what?
10:20We're planning to kill you and run away with your millions.
10:24Hey, come on, man.
10:24Let's choose sides to get this paperwork started.
10:26You can have first pick.
10:28Let me see.
10:29Hey, who would I like to have by my side?
10:34I will take Kelly.
10:36Get over here, Miss Foxy Brown.
10:38Come on, Colonel.
10:39Okay.
10:40You got my wife?
10:41I'll take yours.
10:42Carrie.
10:42Come on, sugar.
10:44Yes, this just feels right.
10:47Yeah?
10:47Well, we could just stop picking right now and we'd have a winning team.
10:51Oh, yeah?
10:51Well, so can we.
10:53Okay.
10:54I guess we better keep picking, though.
10:57I take Lewis.
11:01You know, why doesn't someone just give me a wedgie now and complete my humiliation?
11:07Well, I told you it'd be extra.
11:08Well, what are we going to do?
11:09Excuse me.
11:14Do you need any additional personnel?
11:17Uh, yeah, great.
11:19We'll, uh, we'll get you some equipment.
11:21No need?
11:22I have all the necessary equipment.
11:25In my vehicle.
11:37Okay, how long are we going to sit here?
11:38Because I've got to be honest, I really thought there was going to be a lot more running and
11:41shooting.
11:42This is a lot of lurking.
11:44Shh.
11:45It's just that we only rented the field until 2.30.
11:47After that, we've got to pay extra.
11:48Okay, you don't have to shush me.
11:50Okay?
11:51One person.
11:52I've been sitting here for 45 minutes, okay?
11:54I want to start shooting people.
11:55Doug, yelling at me will not keep your wife from lusting after your best friend.
12:01How did you know that?
12:02I believe the question is, how did you not know?
12:08They're not having an affair or anything, you know?
12:10She just, uh, thinks he's kind of attractive.
12:13So, but it doesn't really matter.
12:15And it's eating you alive.
12:17Yes, it is.
12:18Yep.
12:20Yes, sir!
12:24Ah!
12:26Ah!
12:33Time for a second coat.
12:36Ow!
12:37It's just a game, you psycho!
12:39Let's go, Doug.
12:41I'm sorry.
12:41Are you all right, man?
12:42Doug!
12:42I've got to go.
12:44I've got to go.
12:46Oh!
12:47I've got to go.
12:57Try and take my place.
12:59Think again, pizza boy.
13:10Quack.
13:17Hey.
13:19Oh.
13:21Hi, Kel.
13:22Kill anybody yet?
13:24Nope.
13:26God, this paintball thing is so stupid.
13:29I know!
13:35I know!
13:35Oh!
13:36Oh, it's on now!
13:44Go!
13:45Oh, my God.
13:46You okay?
13:46What's going on?
13:48Your wife's going in for me.
13:49She's got crazy eyes.
13:51She's taking this worse than I thought.
13:53Taking what worse?
13:55Yeah.
13:57Oh, my God.
13:59Did Doug tell you?
14:01Uh-huh.
14:02Oh, my God.
14:04Okay.
14:05Chunky dies today.
14:20Hey, that went right by my ear.
14:22Yeah, because I missed.
14:25All right.
14:26Now I've got to shoot you.
14:27Fine.
14:28Just don't say you're going to call me after you shoot me.
14:31Hey, look.
14:32I'm sorry about not calling you, okay?
14:34It's just that my phone was broke.
14:38And I blew my nose on the napkin that had your number on it.
14:41And I couldn't tell if it was 667.
14:43Shut up!
14:44You know, I really liked you, Richie.
14:46I'm sorry.
14:48But you know what?
14:51Hinton Guy, when I saw you today, I thought,
14:54Wow, she looks good now.
14:58Really?
15:01That's sweet.
15:04Oh!
15:06Jeez, my aim is better than I thought.
15:11Look, Richie, I'm sorry.
15:13I'm sorry, Richie.
15:15You're going to be okay?
15:15Hey, I...
15:20I'm out of ammo!
15:23Hey, I'm out, too.
15:26So what do we do now?
15:29First, we calm down.
15:33I think my ground came loose.
15:36Our only chance is to head for those woods over there.
15:39Got my ammunition and I'm going to head on back.
15:42Okay, okay.
15:46I don't know if you believe in God.
15:48This might be a fine time to say a little prayer.
15:51Okay, okay.
15:55Well?
15:58Oh, uh...
15:59Bless us, Father, for the pain we are about to shoot.
16:07I'm really more of an amen guy.
16:11Doug, let's go.
16:12On three.
16:12One, two.
16:16Give me a...
16:18Give me three.
16:45Hold it.
16:48Oh.
16:49Oh, my God.
16:53Why are you stalking me?
16:54I'm not.
16:56What did I ever do to you?
16:57None of your B.I.B.s, Wax.
17:01Ah!
17:02Ah!
17:03Ah!
17:04Ah!
17:05Ah!
17:06Ah!
17:07Ah!
17:08Ah!
17:10Ah!
17:11Ah!
17:11Ah!
17:11Ah!
17:12Ah!
17:12Ah!
17:13Ah!
17:14Ah!
17:14Ah!
17:15Ah!
17:17Ah!
17:18Ah!
17:20Ah!
17:22Ah!
17:23Ah!
17:24Ah!
17:24Ah!
17:24I left my inhaler in the van!
17:30Ah!
17:32Ah!
17:36Ah!
17:38Ah!
17:39Ah!
17:40Ah!
17:40Ah!
17:41Ah!
17:43Ah!
17:47Oh!
17:51Ah!
17:55Ah!
17:56Ah!
17:58This is fun.
17:59Yeah.
18:12Okay, you never told me what this means.
18:14I don't even know.
18:16Where are they, all right?
18:17Maybe you were wrong.
18:18Maybe they're not here.
18:46I can't do this.
18:48I'm not good at war.
18:51You really don't have an ounce of self-respecting.
18:54I just want lunch.
18:57For God's sakes, man.
18:59Tuck in your underwear.
19:06I gotta get back.
19:12Hey, Stephanie.
19:15So you gonna call me?
19:17Yeah, sure.
19:18I'll call you.
19:24Shh.
19:25All right.
19:27What do we have here?
19:32Oh, extra crispy.
19:35Winner.
19:36Don't move.
19:40You were right, Carrie.
19:42Yup.
19:42He likes his chicken.
19:44Yeah?
19:45Well, now he's finger licking dead.
19:47Good one.
19:49So long, my man.
19:51Hold it!
19:54Go ahead, man.
19:55Pull the trigger.
19:56But if you shoot me, Kelly shoots you.
19:58Yeah, well, Kelly shoots me, Carrie shoots Kelly.
20:00Then I shoot Carrie.
20:01Doug, you shoot me and you're never getting sex again.
20:03You can't do that!
20:05No, it's done.
20:08All right, we're getting crazy here.
20:09Look, man, we all came up here to celebrate my best friend's birthday and we're acting like idiots.
20:15Come on, let's all just...
20:17Let's calm down, okay?
20:20All right, come on.
20:21This is cool.
20:22What was that?
20:25Nothing.
20:26You were gonna shoot me, but your gun jammed.
20:28I think you're wrong.
20:30Oh, man, you are unbelievable!
20:32Leave him alone!
20:33This is your fault, Deacon!
20:34Hey!
20:35I can't help being fine.
20:38And I can't believe you told Deacon what I said!
20:42Well, I couldn't have told him if you didn't tell me!
20:44You asked!
20:45I didn't want to hear Deacon!
20:47I wanted Pedro at the car wash!
20:50All right, you're right.
20:52I started this whole thing.
20:56Go ahead, take a free shot at me.
21:00I'm not gonna shoot you.
21:01No, come on!
21:02No, come on!
21:03You'll feel better.
21:03Here, have a piece of chicken and shoot me.
21:06You'll be a new man.
21:08Hold it.
21:09Say goodnight, little lady.
21:32I thought he was going for the chicken.
21:34I thought he was going for the chicken.
21:40I thought he was going for the chicken.
21:49I thought he was going for the chicken.
21:50Honey, I'm home!
21:52Where the hell have you been?
21:54Oh, are you at that stupid paintball place again?
21:58I went, I went, I just...
21:59I went, I went, I just...
22:00I went, I went, I went.
22:00You know the Hendersons are coming for Bridge.
22:02I mean, look at you.
22:03Would you take that stupid rag off your head?
22:05I got, I got, I got the ice cream you wanted.
22:10This is frozen yogurt!
22:12My God!
22:12You're an idiot!
22:15I, I, I, I...
22:17I'll go back.
22:20Hm?
22:35I'm crazy!
22:36I Ron Chalvin!
22:36I've seen Titt.
22:38You've seen Titt.
22:52Who's going towards me?
22:53I did it.
22:57How, all this day,
22:57When on night everuu...
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