- 48 minutes ago
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00:15it's breakfast and you're eating a piece of candy dessert there is no dessert with
00:23breakfast maybe not where you live we at least take your vitamin my god you're a time bomb
00:47what you got going on there bub trying to swallow the vitamin
00:52with a life saver in my mouth wow you're like the evil knievel of sucking candy wish me luck
01:11i got it and welcome back butter scotch goodness
01:21my eyes are getting weary my back is getting tight i'm sitting here in traffic on the queensburg bridge
01:31tonight but i don't care cause all i want to do is catch my check and drive right home to
01:41you
01:43cause maybe all my life i will be driving home to you
02:05howdy oh hey you're home thought you were gonna go pick up those patches for the screen door well i
02:11was and then i thought that sounded like a good errand for you oh orange julius
02:19okay honey i told you before if it's empty by the time you get home leave the cup in the
02:23car don't come in here showboating with it sorry sorry so did you get me anything um as a matter
02:29of
02:29fact yes i did oh look at this hi shirt you get to be draped across my nipples congrats
02:39okay well you two get acquainted i'm gonna go put this stuff away
02:44hey dad look at this four more break-ins on casino boulevard it's getting so you can't walk out
02:51the door anymore well you can walk out the door you just can't go left that's not the point a
02:56man
02:57should be able to walk out his front door turn right turn left or walk right out into the street
03:01if he wants to don't make me lucky in the house dad okay oh hello
03:08not sure it looks sexy on you does it i uh hadn't noticed
03:14hi i'm doug i'm a pisces i like walks in the rain and bags of pork rinds
03:21work it baby work it i got the trash babe that'll be our deal every time you buy me a
03:27shirt i take out
03:28the trash oh that's okay honey i got it i got it no really it's fine what is this barry's
03:34big and tall
03:34shop what oh that's trash baby you got my shirt at the big and tall shop did i no i
03:44don't think so
03:44oh i got myself something there what a barrette oh stop it carrie you got my shirt at the big
03:51and
03:51tall shop and you were hiding the bag for me okay fine i'm sorry oh man i can't believe this
03:57at most
03:58i thought i was like the biggest size at macy's when did i make the crossover two years ago christmas
04:09oh god come on honey what's the big deal it's just a big and tall store oh yeah well let
04:14me break it
04:15down for you i'm certainly not tall you're tall sure you're tall what are you six two i'm five nine
04:26that's pretty damn tall oh would you come on all right maybe you're a little bit big
04:33why is this even a discussion the man is gargantuan
04:39okay what else came from the big and tall shop tell me what what this belt my jeans
04:44my cowboy shirt what a few things might have come from there i don't know okay fine then let's go
04:50the
04:50other way with it okay what didn't come from the big and tall shop okay i will show you
05:03the thing is they use very good fabric
05:08there's nothing in there is there yes there is
05:14this okay fine great well you know what this is what i'm gonna be wearing for now on so you
05:19better
05:19get used to it missy okay
05:26i can't feel my hands
05:36hey babe what are you doing looking at myself in various stages of fatness
05:42look at this come here watch this you can actually see me gaining weight
05:49and watch this and there goes my neck
05:54okay would you stop this now here just watch some tv
06:05oh my god i'm fatter than the skipper okay enough
06:10i knew i wasn't slim or even normal size just saying that back you know
06:16you were really overreacting to this i mean you are totally attractive
06:22so you you still love me of course i still love you i love you no matter what
06:31what does that mean no matter what nothing just that i love you no no matter what means you love
06:36me even though i have some sort of problem like no job or no money or biggie can't fit through
06:41doorway
06:44okay i take it back i love you that's it period come on carrie i'm being serious here let's go
06:50you're telling me right now you have no problem with that area in here
06:59well you know for health reasons no no no i'm not talking about health here okay let's assume
07:04i'm in perfect health and i don't have that flutter i want to know right now am i as sexy
07:10and attractive to you as ever huh is this it for you am i perfect
07:17well i guess it wouldn't kill me if you lost a little weight aha okay and how much weight would
07:25it not kill you for me to lose i don't know 50 pounds 50 all right less whatever you made
07:33me say
07:33it i can't believe you said 50. come on you know i love you no matter uh this is this
07:39is unbelievable
07:40you know here i am walking around thinking everything's great meanwhile you're
07:43smuggling in my clothes and hating the way i look oh i don't hate the way you look okay but
07:48yes
07:48i admit it you could lose a little weight but come on i'm sure there are things about me you
07:55wish
07:55were different that you hold back on you know you're you're perfect right hey look when you
07:59start getting the old lady whiskers i'll let you know but for now you're fine come on this could
08:05be really good for our marriage i mean if there are things bothering us about each other we should
08:10get them out there you know it's healthy i guess all right so come on hit me baby
08:22uh i guess maybe sometimes
08:26you wear a little too much makeup
08:35what do you mean
08:38you know all that goop over there sometimes i think you could just back her down a notch
08:46okay this is stinging more than i thought it would
08:50so you really think i wear too much makeup no just you know like if we're going out for burgers
08:54you know and i throw on a pair of sweatpants and a baseball hat and you look like you're going
08:58to
08:58the opera okay i will try to wear less makeup well this is great all right but we're going to
09:15do this
09:16together okay and i'm going to join a gym and start to die and i'm going to whip this body
09:20into shape
09:20because nobody's calling me fatty mcbutter pants anymore somebody called you fatty mcbutter pants
09:28online at the bank yesterday yeah
09:32and it took seeing the big and tall bag to push you over the edge
09:48okay i've dieted for the last eight hours granted i was asleep but i can feel it something's happening
09:56and i have almost no makeup on take a good look around fat look at this house because you ain't
10:03coming back here no more by the way uh i'm joining the gym on the deacon's family plan so if
10:10anybody
10:10calls he's the man i share my life with
10:18carrie i'm not putting it on i'm just looking at it sparkly
10:32darling let me introduce you to frank aka mr safety
10:38mr safety reading about this recent crime wave may be concerned for your well-being
10:44just sit him on the passenger seat in your car when you're going to work
10:47and the carjackers will move on to easier prey
10:52dad i take the subway to work well then take him on the subway with you
10:58he has no legs pretend he's an amputee
11:06dad how is a legless doll gonna protect me on the subway why are you being so difficult i'm trying
11:14to
11:14save your life oh forget it nope
11:30what's up ladies all right let's light this game
11:56my blood runs cold my memory has just been told angel is a cell phone angel is a cell phone
12:22a little hope
12:45Hello, Douglas.
12:49So, you, uh, you got your guy at the table now, huh?
12:54That's right.
12:56Ne'er-do-wells could be casing our house as we speak.
12:58Yeah, then why are you playing Pinochle with him?
13:01Because, moron, if I don't treat Mr. Safety like a real person,
13:04they'll know he's a fake.
13:06Yeah, well, I gotta tell you, it's still weird.
13:11What's up with the war, Frankenstein?
13:15I just joined the gym, and I might have overdone it.
13:17Gym, huh? Throwing your money away.
13:19I got two words for you, friend.
13:21Dynamic tension.
13:22Give me a bag of rice, gallon of milk, and a rubber band,
13:25and I'll give you a workout you won't soon forget.
13:29Don't work out with my milk, okay?
13:32I'm telling you, it works.
13:34Look at the shape I'm in.
13:36I weigh exactly what I weighed when I was 12 years old.
13:57She's a super freak, super freak, she's super freaky.
14:02Ow!
14:03What was that?
14:04You are not gonna believe this.
14:06At work, I got all these compliments about the no makeup thing.
14:10I mean, people are telling me I look great and, like, younger.
14:13Really?
14:14Yes!
14:14And I actually got carded at lunch,
14:16and then I went to two other places, got carded again.
14:19I'm not gonna lie to you, honey.
14:20I'm a little lubed.
14:23Well, that's great.
14:25Well, great for you.
14:25It is great, isn't it?
14:26I mean, we decided to be more honest with each other, you know, set some goals, work on some stuff,
14:31and we did it!
14:34Yeah, we did it!
14:36Yeah.
14:37You're done.
14:43It's like, without my makeup, my eyes stand out in this really great way, and my mouth is so naturally
14:50pouty.
14:51I'll tell you, this telling each other stuff was the best thing we ever did, babe.
14:58You know, there is other stuff.
15:01Huh?
15:03There's more things that you could work on about yourself, you know?
15:07There are?
15:08Couple, yeah.
15:09Well, how come you didn't mention it the other night?
15:12I don't know.
15:12I guess I didn't want to dump everything on you all at once.
15:14Like, I thought this makeup thing was gonna be hard enough for you, but now...
15:17Okay.
15:18Like what?
15:21Um, your accent.
15:22My accent?
15:23It's a little thick, honey.
15:25Okay.
15:26Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?
15:27It's the way I talk.
15:28Talk, talk.
15:29See that right there?
15:29Talk.
15:30All right, so what are you saying?
15:31After seven years, all of a sudden, my accent bothers you?
15:33Okay, it's not a question of it bothering me.
15:35I mean, look, are you smart?
15:36Sure.
15:37Do you sound smart?
15:45Okay, um, so what else?
15:48Your laugh?
15:48My laugh.
15:49Yeah.
15:50Ha!
15:52Well, I thought people think my laugh is fun.
15:54I guess, if you think loud, scary noises are fun.
15:59Uh, okay, so what else?
16:01What else?
16:02Nothing else.
16:02Come on, tell me!
16:03There's nothing else!
16:04Is it my forehead?
16:05What?
16:05Last week, I told you my hairdresser said I had a big forehead.
16:08You said it was fine, but you were lying, weren't you?
16:12To protect you, yes.
16:27Hey, fellas.
16:30Could I speak to Arthur in private?
16:34He's for safety!
16:35That's all!
16:38Watch this part.
16:43All right, come on, let's go!
16:45I'm coming!
16:47I'm coming.
16:49I'm coming.
16:50I'm coming.
17:01From Columbia Pictures comes a comedy about a happy-go-lucky polygamist and his five very
17:07different wives.
17:08It's your classic boy-meets-girl-meets-girl-meets-girl-meets-girl-story.
17:16Honey, I'm home!
17:22What's up with her?
17:24How can five women have a headache?
17:26I'm gonna say not!
17:31Oh, my.
17:38Hey, D, question for you.
17:40Yeah.
17:42Do you ever feel bad about yourself so you tell Kelly there are things wrong with her?
17:47Just to, you know, hurt her?
17:53You're asking me if I mentally abuse my wife?
17:57Yeah.
17:59No, I don't.
18:00Me neither.
18:03Wait, does this have anything to do with why Carrie was acting so freaky last night?
18:08It might.
18:08I don't know.
18:10What did you do?
18:11Well, first, she told me that I could stand to lose a little weight, so I told her to wear
18:17less makeup, to work on her accent, her laugh, and her huge forehead.
18:22I'm sorry, her huge forehead?
18:25All right, maybe it's not freak show material, but she'd draw some looks.
18:30Step aside, bro.
18:31You are messed up.
18:33How am I messed up?
18:34Carrie tells you you have to lose weight, which is like, come on.
18:38And you tell her she has to work on her forehead?
18:40How the hell do you work on a forehead?
18:42Hey, I had to eat baby carrots at the movies.
18:45Yes.
18:45All right.
18:46Nice work on your relationship.
18:47Sounds real healthy.
18:48Hey, you know, don't judge me, Mr. Black Dr. Joyce Brothers, okay?
18:52You're tall and thin.
18:53You don't understand my issue.
18:54I don't want to understand them.
18:56Yeah.
18:56All right, but yeah, walk away.
18:57That's right, tallie.
18:58Woo-hoo, I'm big.
18:59Yeah.
19:00Have fun ducking on the doorways.
19:01I'm on this now.
19:02I hate me!
19:15Yeah, I miss it.
19:17Yeah, yeah.
19:18What's up?
19:29What's going on?
19:31I lied.
19:32What?
19:33I lied, okay?
19:34I'm not Fatty McButterpants.
19:36I'm Fatty McLiarpants.
19:37What did you lie about?
19:39About all that stuff I told you was wrong about you.
19:41You know, I made it all up.
19:43Because I was suffering, I wanted to drag you down with me.
19:45Man, I'm not even Fatty McLiarpants.
19:48I'm Fatty McEvilpants.
19:50All right, could you stop saying what you are with the words fatty and pants around it?
19:54And just let me process this for a minute.
19:56So you have no problem with my accent?
19:58No!
19:59It's regional.
20:00It has character.
20:02And my laugh?
20:03A burst of energy.
20:04And this football field up here?
20:06I love your forehead, okay?
20:08I'd carry it around in my wallet if that was any way workable.
20:12I can't believe this!
20:13I know, I was so out of line.
20:16It's just that you came in so happy and I couldn't get my shoes off, so I flailed at you.
20:22I'm sorry, you forgive me?
20:24No!
20:24No!
20:25I don't forgive you.
20:26I mean, you had me walking around acting like an idiot.
20:29You made me feel really bad about myself, Doug.
20:32I know!
20:34I didn't mean to.
20:35You did mean to.
20:36That was the whole point, right?
20:39I guess it was, yes.
20:42I'm sorry.
20:43Well, no, no.
20:44I don't forgive you.
20:46You don't?
20:47No!
20:47Never?
20:48No!
20:49What you did was horrible.
20:51I mean, I'm sorry, Carrie.
20:53Oh, okay.
20:53You know, it's not going to cut it, buddy.
20:56Hey, how about this?
20:57How about this, huh?
20:58How about you think of another thing that you don't like about me?
21:00Something really hard to fix, right?
21:03Then I'll have the weight and the new hard thing.
21:05That's two hard things, and you'll have nothing, huh?
21:07What do you say there, sugar?
21:10Well, that's not bad.
21:12All right.
21:13Okay.
21:14So, come on.
21:15Hit me.
21:16Gloves off.
21:18Your hair.
21:20My hair?
21:23Thinning.
21:25In the front a little?
21:27In the front, yes.
21:30And in the back.
21:34And on the sides.
21:37You're really starting to enjoy this, aren't you?
21:39A little bit.
21:41Barry!
21:42They got to him!
21:46I'll kill you, you vicious thugs!
21:50Ironic, isn't it?
21:51The only one Mr. Safety couldn't protect was himself.
21:55Huh?
22:22Hey, give me your wallet.
22:30All right.
22:57All right.
23:02All right.
23:25All right.
23:27All right.
23:28All right.
23:31All right.
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