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00:04hey there hey sweetie how was work well let's just say that a lot of packages are in different
00:10places than they were this morning it's what I do all right what you got there CD apparently
00:17Bon Jovi is back oh he looks cute I'd still do him put it on you got it coming up
00:48just pull the tab I don't see a tab well there's a tab that red plastic thing okay that's not
00:54on
00:54this that's on gum here we go here we go here we go yeah Jovi coming up all right you
01:12know give me
01:12something sharp now I just got some new scissors my eyes are getting weary my back is getting tight
01:27I'm sitting here in traffic on the Queensborough Bridge tonight I don't care because all I want to
01:35do is catch my check and drive right home to you because maybe all my life I will be driving
01:47home to
02:06here you go darling I finished the book you loaned me Tuesdays with Maury dad I didn't loan this to
02:14you I bought this for someone as a gift that might explain why it was in your drawer in a
02:20bag oh well
02:21there it is good as new wrap it up there are pages ripped out well I'm sorry I was aggravated
02:27Maury's
02:28dying and this young man visits him brings him full tucks a blanket under his legs writes down all his
02:34insights made my stomach turn why I've mentored many young men in my time not a single one has come
02:43by to chronicle my wisdom not one who have you mentored many young men I gotta take a step back
02:51okay
02:51thank you darling I had an idea how would you like to jot down my musings on life any interest
03:01uh sounds more like a Doug thing hello Douglas how would you like to chronicle my life
03:14what chronicle my life come on haven't I mentored you taking you under my wing taught you a few
03:20things about the world and its peoples no not really I see well obviously I've been casting my pearls
03:32before swine oh good day and I'll see you both in hell so how was work good today at lunch
03:43I nailed down
03:44the difference between pastrami and corned beef one makes me go like this the other one like this
03:57once again question was how was work it was busy busy Kew Gardens branch was down so they routed
04:02everything through us oh that's no big deal though that new kid Rico I'm working with really came
04:07through he was like hey that's no problem we just double it up Jack push it baby
04:13is that the way he talks yeah he's got that accent you know hey Jack how you doing he calls
04:18everybody
04:18Jack I wish I had a little thing a little signature way of talking kind of do really yeah you
04:27know like
04:27when you you extend words for no reason like like this would be an onion I guess I do have
04:38that it's not
04:40cool though you know hey what's for dinner Jack we're looking at spaghetti oh yeah give me a taste
04:47baby okay coming at you yeah feed me the pasta feed me come on come on give it give it
04:52to me oh my god
04:54that's all that hey what you doing painter bills online you think with all the technology we have they
05:13can come up with a better sound then come on why don't you leave your bills behind and get reacquainted
05:28with my under Dougie come on I gotta do this I gotta do this hey come on hey didn't you
05:34vow to obey
05:35me in our wedding obey me obey me wife obey me stop it come on and we cut that obey
05:42stuff out when we
05:43wrote our own vows actually I snuck it back in quietly I was I was like obey me like if
05:50I don't get these
05:50cards paid by tomorrow the power company is gonna turn our lights off that's okay baby we just make
05:55love in the dark you know that's the way it's supposed to be you know oh yeah baby so why
06:04don't you say
06:05good night to the world wide web and let Rico connect you huh you think you got it in you
06:12do you know I do
06:15show me what you got
06:22horrible beeping noise must be stopped must snuggle with bear like husband
06:35pretty wiped out huh yeah I tend to have that effect on the late ass
06:50oh hello I didn't hear you come in mr. morning sex
07:00yeah do we go what
07:07the voice do we go
07:15uh okay so you want to dance the samba in the a.m. hey baby
07:22yeah that's the early bird special that's gonna cost you
07:29Frankie Johnson Arthur Spooner remember me I filled in for your archery instructor at Camp Wigwam
07:39oh for god's sakes I mentioned you
07:44fine see you in hell
07:49who is it a taste of Bombay oh terrific
07:56hi there hello you have the magnetica chicken palak paneer and a lemonade that's 1482 sir
08:05let me get some cash
08:11come in come in
08:18son how far do you and I go back what is it two three years I don't know remember that
08:25time I ordered the
08:26tandoori lamb from you oh that was fun
08:31what what was your name again Sanjib Sinbad Sanjib Sanjob Sanjib look I have a lot of other orders in
08:44the car so if you could please pay me I would appreciate it oh yes I'll get to that but
08:49first I have a few things I'd like to tell you about the way things work in this crazy place
08:54we call planet
08:56what earth hit record and play at the same time
09:03boop boop
09:06dead-end package you know if your owner really wanted you he might have been home one of the three
09:11times I tried to deliver you
09:14it's a crime the way people don't wait at home for their packages anymore it really is
09:18so uh
09:19you're a little late this morning what was up nothing
09:23Carrie and I just got into a little morning action
09:27morning action nice work
09:29yes no big deal no big deal
09:32didn't you once call morning sex the uh the best thing in the world that doesn't have cheese on it
09:39I mean it was good it was just that uh
09:42I don't know do you uh
09:44you think this is weird
09:46last night I was trying to get Carrie in the mood
09:49so I uh
09:51I did a voice
09:54a voice
09:55yeah
09:57what like
09:58like Bugs Bunny
10:04no I did the voice of the new guy
10:05oh
10:07Rico
10:07yeah
10:08it
10:09sort of turned her on a little too
10:11then this morning she asked me to do Rico again
10:14you think that's a bad sign
10:19you do the voice for me
10:23I'm not doing the voice I'm just asking you do you think it's bad that Carrie's kind of like
10:26I don't know into Rico you know does it mean that I'm slipping that
10:29maybe me alone doesn't turn her on anymore
10:31well I mean has she ever even met Rico
10:33no but I think she's rolling the dice that young Latino stud might be a little bit more of a
10:38turn on than big ass who's always there always
10:43yeah I see your points
10:44I knew it
10:45well come on man I think it's fine look you've been married for a while these things happen you get
10:50creative don't worry about it
10:51you uh
10:53you do voices
10:54no
10:57I do wear a bandana
10:59really
11:00now are you playing a character when you wear that bandana
11:02hmm
11:02I guess not
11:03oh so that's still you
11:05well it's
11:06it's bad me
11:08see that wasn't me at all in bed last night
11:10yeah just do the voice for me
11:12I'm not doing the voice
11:12I just wanna feel the magic
11:14but you know what he sounds like
11:15yeah but not talking sexy
11:16come on
11:17do the voice
11:17put on the bandana
11:20hey Rico
11:21come here for a second
11:22hey
11:23what's up Jack
11:25not too much man
11:26listen um
11:27Doug and I were just trying to remember the words to that uh
11:29uh George Michael song um
11:30I want your sex
11:32um
11:33remember how that goes
11:34yeah I think it's something like um
11:37sex is a natural
11:38sex is a fun
11:39yeah
11:40sex is the best when it's one
11:42on one
11:46that's right
11:48thanks
11:50okay
11:53I got me a little hot
12:11what have you brought me today son
12:15what you ordered
12:19it was very kind of you
12:23could you tuck this blanket under my feet
12:35you
12:36thank you
12:37so that's a 1328
12:39right right
12:41sit for a moment would you
12:50Sanjeeb
12:52do you see this glass as half empty
12:55or half full
12:58half full
12:59okay
13:00so you know that one
13:04dad would you just pay the guy and let him leave
13:06in a minute
13:08and stop ordering Indian food
13:10it's stinking up the fridge
13:13no offense
13:18hey sweetie
13:19hi
13:19oh
13:20NYPD Blue
13:23I miss Jimmy Smith's
13:25but good for Rick Schroeder
13:26you know what I'm saying
13:27yeah yeah good for him
13:34I love you
13:35have I told you how much I love you today
13:37oh honey that's sweet
13:39I love you too
13:43so you uh
13:45you wanna
13:46hmm
13:48yeah yeah yeah let's just finish watching the show first
13:57come on baby let's do it now
14:01oh Rico
14:03you want me to turn the TV off
14:05yes
14:08well okay
14:11here I am you big Latin stud
14:14all right that's it
14:15all right that's it
14:18you wouldn't turn off the TV for me but you sure turned it off for Rico didn't you
14:21what are you talking about
14:23oh nothing just that you're more attracted to him than you are to me
14:26Doug I don't know Rico I've never even met him
14:28oh you know him
14:30oh you know him
14:30what does that mean
14:32I don't know all I know is Doug plays with your hair nothing
14:35Rico does bingo
14:37or should I say
14:37el bingo
14:40let me get this straight
14:41you are jealous of a guy that I've never met
14:45that is actually you
14:46no I'm jealous of Rico
14:48you are Rico you idiot
14:49no I don't go around calling people Jack
14:51I'm the only only own guy
14:54and that to my recollection
14:55has never gotten your middle third singing sweet Virginia
15:00admit it Carrie
15:01another man's voice is turning you on
15:04maybe I am turned on by the fact that you are such a talented mimic
15:08you ever think of that
15:09is that it?
15:09well then let's get Rich Little in here we'll have an orgy
15:15hey is this what I'm like when I get my period
15:17because if it is I am very very sorry
15:22you know what it's fine
15:23it's fine it really is it really is
15:25you know I just
15:26I guess we've reached that phase in our relationship
15:29where I need to do other people's voices to turn you on
15:33so what are you saying you're saying
15:35that you have never thought of anyone else when we're in bed together
15:38is that what you're saying
15:39just the fact that you're asking me that means you thought about Rico
15:41just answer my question
15:43have you ever thought of anyone else
15:45yes
15:47I've shuffled through a few images but then retreated out of guilt
15:51uh-huh uh-huh
15:52so other people have crossed your mind
15:55maybe but the only person I thought of for more than a few seconds was Don Zimmer
15:58and that was just a pull in the reins a little
16:04whatever this is so crazy
16:05it's just a stupid little accent you started doing and now for some reason you're mad at me
16:09I am begging you
16:10can we let this go
16:12fine you know what I'm going to grab a beer
16:14why don't you give me a jingle when you're ready to have sex with Doug Heffernan again
16:17oh yeah why don't you give me a jingle when you stop fantasizing about Don Zimmer
16:25I'm sorry but I really just have to be going
16:27oh yes
16:28we're all coming and going
16:31only the man who makes peace with that can truly be free
16:35more curry?
16:41come in
16:48leave my son alone
16:51what?
16:52he does not wish to chronicle your wisdom
16:55but thank you for your business
16:57here's your food
16:58that's 11.95
17:01alright
17:02alright
17:02here's your money
17:04you know
17:04people often ask me
17:06why is there so much anger all around us?
17:09and I said
17:17oh strong to the hole
17:18that's the answer
17:19that's the answer
17:2010-8
17:21hey by the way
17:23thanks for the tip
17:24what do you mean?
17:25I tried Rico's voice last night
17:27Kelly liked it so much that after we were done
17:29she got out of bed
17:30made me a grilled cheese
17:34hey
17:35Gary's here
17:36really?
17:37hey big guy
17:38can I talk to you for a minute?
17:40this is perfect just when he's glistening
17:44so
17:46hey how did you know I was here?
17:48your dispatcher told me you guys were playing some ball
17:50listen
17:50I felt really bad about our fight last night
17:52yeah you know what no big deal okay
17:53just uh
17:54see you later okay
17:55bye bye
17:55buckle up for safety
17:56no no no no
17:57it is a big deal okay
17:59if your feelings were hurt
18:00and you're still thinking about it this morning
18:02that's bad
18:03now I don't want to get into who's right
18:04or who's wrong
18:05the point is
18:06this has nothing to do with Rico
18:08I love you
18:09and that's it
18:10love me got it okay
18:10alright honey I love you
18:11see you too
18:12alright
18:12bye bye
18:15thank you
18:17hey where you going Jack?
18:21hey Chuck
18:21you liked his voice
18:22now welcome to his face
18:26is that what you're all worked up about?
18:29I gotta tell you honey
18:30if I pass him on the street
18:32nothing
18:32then why haven't you blinked?
18:35I'm going
18:37hey you're not leafing are you Chuck?
18:39uh no no no uh
18:42Rico this is uh my wife Carrie
18:45hello
18:45how you doing?
18:47she's doing good
18:47you're doing really good right?
18:48you're good
18:51this is my girlfriend Francesca
18:54very nice to meet you
18:55I love your sweater
18:57oh
18:57yeah well Carrie's just leaving now
18:58yeah
18:59alright
19:02drive away honey
19:03drive away
19:14come on Doug can't we get past this?
19:18don't you wanna
19:19degercise me?
19:23something?
19:24I can't
19:24you'll just think about Rico and
19:26I can't imitate that body
19:32why does this have to be a bad thing?
19:35I mean maybe this is like a new phase for us
19:37you know we role play
19:38it could be fun
19:39what do you mean?
19:43Doug
19:44I'm Francesca
19:47Rico's adorable girlfriend
19:48I'm very sexy and very Italian
19:51and very hopeful that you will come out to play
19:57what the hell have you been drinking?
20:02well I think you might like a little accent too
20:06and not Don Zimmers
20:10so Doug
20:12you like it come on
20:13say you like it Dougie
20:16hmm
20:17I'm not hating it
20:21you would uh do Francesca during
20:23hmm?
20:25of course
20:26I'll do anything for you Doug
20:28I love you
20:29so Doug
20:30you wanna uh
20:31a little Italian gelato?
20:33what flavor?
20:34spumoni
20:35what's that?
20:38it's got
20:40fruit
20:41and nuts
20:42and candy
20:45okay now I actually want gelato
20:52but I can get that later
20:54huh?
20:56so Francesca
20:57are you ready for some hot Latin love eh baby?
21:00I'm ready Rico
21:02mmm
21:03mmm you are a big sexy Latino star
21:07oh that's right Jack
21:14what was that?
21:15what?
21:16the toilet won't stop flushing again
21:20you know it kind of smells
21:24I'll get the plunge shirt
21:31whew
21:32man it is great to be them
21:50and so that is why I look at this glass as half full
21:56write that down
21:58I'm not gonna write it down
22:00you're supposed to be chronicling my wisdom
22:03I'm not going to chronicle your wisdom
22:06you chronicle my wisdom
22:10your wisdom is stupid
22:12oh
22:13but the glass is half full
22:16oh that's genius
22:18so that's how it's gonna be?
22:21well chronicle this
22:21I'll see you in hell
22:23That's how it's gonna be
22:50I'll see you in hell
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