- 2 days ago
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00:00Could you possibly have failed to tell us you're fucking engaged?
00:03Oh, that's a casual ring. Totally casual.
00:07I mean, it's a wedding. It's exciting.
00:10It's just, I don't want to be consumed by it.
00:12I hear you're writing a book.
00:13Yeah. Monogamy and Gibbons.
00:15I'm using a few examples from our own marriage.
00:17Which examples might they be?
00:18I was going to tell you about Levi. I just didn't know what it was yet.
00:21It's gross.
00:23It's like we shared a genetic toothbrush.
00:25You're obsessive.
00:26You're obsessive with me.
00:28Maybe he's better off not being around me at the moment.
00:31Don't use me for closure.
00:33Come and get it yourself.
00:34Hi.
00:36Hi.
00:53I'll go first.
00:54Um, Abe.
00:56I...
00:58I'm really sorry for infiltrating your home
01:01and for doubting your devotion to my best friend
01:06and so, so, so sorry for fucking your son.
01:11It's all on me.
01:13I think that's real progress.
01:16What do you guys think?
01:30So, you're doing this?
01:31Wow.
01:32Oh...
01:33Why?
01:33I don't know.
02:08Clare, what are you doing?
02:10Cleansing the space.
02:13Collecting all of your...
02:16negative energy.
02:19Oh.
02:21Yeah, I'm sensing paranoia,
02:24trauma, deep-rooted shame.
02:28Oh, perhaps that's Abe's energy I'm picking up on, actually.
02:33Do you think that's really necessary?
02:35I'll be all necessary.
02:37Freya, stranger danger is coming into our home
02:41to assess us.
02:43Um, it's actually me getting my needs assessed
02:46so I can claim funding for you, Ty.
02:48That's what I said.
02:50All eyes are going to be on me.
02:58I doubt they'll be inspecting the contents of the fridge.
03:04Oh, feeling very crowded in here.
03:06It's like someone's been adding things without me knowing.
03:09Look, jam here, right behind Mayo.
03:12Or should I say, behind Mayo's back.
03:14Abe, stop.
03:15Abe.
03:17Abe!
03:19Abe!
03:22You have my attention.
03:25I'm sorry if you feel like I was seeing Joe behind your back.
03:28And, yeah, I know my tits look incredible.
03:32Well, first of all, that's not an apology.
03:36And second, you lied.
03:39I didn't lie.
03:40I just wasn't telling the truth.
03:42You lied.
03:43It's akin to having an affair, Freya.
03:44An affair?
03:45Abe, she's my best friend.
03:47I just don't understand why you felt you couldn't tell me.
03:50I guess I just didn't want to admit that I was lonely without her.
03:58As your punishment,
04:02you can eat this pickle from 2016.
04:05Ah, question.
04:06Have you ever been assessed before?
04:09Oh, yeah.
04:10They're super lovely people.
04:12Really.
04:13Back in Canada, this woman visited me with a Pomeranian.
04:16The whole thing was super chill.
04:18You're going to be great.
04:32The time is 0900 hours.
04:34We can begin.
04:35Introduction.
04:36I answer to the name of Susan.
04:38Never Sue.
04:39She doesn't exist.
04:41Why are you holding my hand?
04:42I don't know.
04:43My job as your disability assessor is to evaluate your care package
04:47and assess everyday needs in a non-invasive, forensic manner.
04:52This will allow me to calculate the hours which we will fund your PA to work with you.
04:57Told you.
04:58I have one rule.
05:00Never make assumptions.
05:03One time in the army, my whole squadron did.
05:06Everyone was killed except me.
05:08Make of that what you will.
05:09Questions?
05:10Morning.
05:11Anyone for tea?
05:12Zero 1100 hours.
05:14We stop for tea and a boost.
05:25Bit more?
05:25I feel like we're going far to the right.
05:27I feel like that is too far.
05:28That's too far.
05:28Because it just looks like it's a share.
05:29I mean, it's you and your book.
05:30There should be a sort of healthy, respectable distance between them, I think.
05:35You've got to get this right.
05:35Why?
05:35Why?
05:36That's, um, why is it a man in a cage, not a woman?
05:39Ah, now that is a fascinating question.
05:41And I want you to ask yourself why you asked it.
05:45Okay.
05:45Because men, of course, are equally constrained by society.
05:49And now I'm regretting asking it.
05:50And tell me that doesn't scream your dad during his trench coat phase.
05:54Yeah, it does a bit, actually.
05:56So what's it about?
05:59Haven't you read it?
06:00Oh, bug, that's really hurtful.
06:03I sent you and your father the proofs weeks ago.
06:05Yeah, but we just presumed it was the same normal dry shit, but just really, really long.
06:09No, it's popular science.
06:11It's not for just 300 hyper-literate mole people wearing cardigans.
06:16It's for you.
06:17It's got a dramatic arc.
06:19It's got quirky facts.
06:21Did you know that male flanged orangutans take it up the shitter?
06:25Did you know that male bonobos like to fence using their penises?
06:30Hard or soft.
06:31You see, I've got you.
06:32That's it.
06:32Piqued your curiosity.
06:33And that is what it does.
06:34It's just science, but with a little bit of juice.
06:37Yeah, okay, so define juice.
06:38Because I'm just skimming the first page here and I've already seen the phrase unstable sun.
06:43I changed your name.
06:45Yeah, to Lee.
06:46You've dropped one syllable.
06:47No, listen, it's still behavioral ecology, but it's a scientific study of which animals mate for life
06:53and which animals prefer hookups, okay?
06:55All I've done is I've spiced it up a bit and I've added a few personal anecdotes for, you know,
07:00to make me more relatable.
07:01Yeah, but that's what worries me, because what if me and dad find it a little bit too relatable?
07:04Yeah, well, if a 500-page book on gibbon sex is too relatable, might I suggest it's not the gibbons
07:09that are the problem?
07:10Also, why didn't you tell me that Jo is stalking you?
07:13What?
07:15What?
07:16Jesus Christ!
07:16Do you want me to say something?
07:17No, no, no, don't get involved.
07:18No, but I am already involved.
07:19She just looked at me.
07:20Let's just ding it again.
07:21Just don't, don't wave.
07:22Why don't you invite her to the book signing?
07:24Okay, please, my numbers.
07:25Because I'd rather put my balls in a blender.
07:27Okay, stay here.
07:27And I'll go just, please stay, please.
07:46Do you like to cook?
07:47Love to cook.
07:48Oh, my goodness.
07:50I make a rather mean Spanish omelette, if I may say.
07:53Got the recipe off some monks in my travels in Valencia, which is Spain.
08:00Got some left over if you'd like to try.
08:02I don't do eggs.
08:03They stink.
08:05I notice your legs don't fit under the cooker.
08:08Inaccessible.
08:09Noted.
08:10Oh, that's fine.
08:11They don't really need to.
08:11I mean, I do most of the cooking.
08:14Happy to step in and be resident family chef.
08:18Order!
08:20I don't know why I said that.
08:21Well, actually, without going all trad wife, I would love to be able to cook for myself
08:27and my partner, and I need a PA in order to do so.
08:33Client would like to use PA to woo partner with gastronomical persuasion.
08:43What?
08:43No, that's not...
08:44Two more hours added.
08:47Oh, perfect.
08:48What about laundry?
08:50Taking out the rubbish?
08:51Groceries?
08:52Oh, well, my...
08:53Yep, if you want to check under there, you'll find it powder fresh.
08:56I am on the bins once a day, men.
08:59Actually, Abe...
08:59And while ironing is considered by some to be a bit of a gendered sport...
09:03Abe?
09:03Yes?
09:03Sorry.
09:05While Abe is very happy to help, I have my PA to be able to help with household tasks
09:13and anything else that I need, including laundry.
09:16Oh, sure.
09:17Yeah, no, but it's just much easier for me just to step in and...
09:20And it's important that I share these tasks with my partner, and I do so by having a PA.
09:31Right.
09:33Got it.
09:34No, absolutely.
09:35Sorry, it is all very equal.
09:37All balanced, all equal, and this one.
09:41Oh.
09:42Yeah.
09:43Oh.
09:44Um, I think I'm just going to leave you to it.
09:46Great idea.
09:47Yeah.
09:47Yeah, thanks.
09:48Thanks, love.
09:49Bye.
09:49Right.
09:50Up next, toileting.
10:03Oh, hi.
10:04Uh, I didn't see you there.
10:06Right.
10:06Okay.
10:07Well, I could feel you eye-fucking me from about five feet away.
10:10No, I was fully engrossed in this, um, um, seminal piece of literature, so...
10:19Can I please just ask you what you're doing here?
10:21Well, I tried calling.
10:22Yes, and I thought maybe eight ignored calls would probably send quite a clear message.
10:26So, if you don't mind, I'm actually halfway through enabling my mum's midlife crisis,
10:30so it would be great if you could just...
10:32Mum, what are you doing?
10:33So, the Wanderer returns.
10:36Don't worry, I've tried ghosting in two.
10:38Never works.
10:40Um, congrats on the, on the book.
10:42I mean, it's got Abe in a cage on the cover.
10:44So, what shall I...
10:45How do you want it?
10:46Uh, oh, you don't have to do that.
10:48Or...
10:48Yeah, no, Joe's...
10:49Joe's great.
10:57Thank you, that's...
10:59Payment is at the till.
11:00So, Bug, my publisher wants me to meet some literary lesbians for some kind of highbrow hors d'oeuvre.
11:06Would you mind finishing the display?
11:08Sure, that sounds like a made-up event, but yeah, go hang out with your big lesbians.
11:13Joe, would you mind helping Levi?
11:15No, that won't be necessary.
11:16No, I'd be delighted.
11:18Great.
11:19Ah!
11:22Spicy.
11:47Break complete.
11:48so obviously I need help getting dressed and undressed I can do that faster I'll try again
12:05I can also do a bouncy blow
12:16lacquered bamboo two centimeters 21 by 71 now we bend at the knee back straight core engaged
12:28just deep breaths
12:48okay question 29 do you need support during copulation
12:53sorry is that really necessary to know
12:56depends on whether you see copulation as a basic need some councils prefer to fund light bulbs being fitted but
13:04as you can see I tend to challenge the status quo
13:06uh well yeah yeah it's definitely a vital need for me
13:10okay and question 30 how does copulation occur
13:13uh well mainly from behind
13:17I meant you need PA support
13:19oh
13:20um
13:21happy to help
13:22yeah I mean they're a very handsome couple
13:26couple
13:27so uh all hands on deck if if
13:30uh I just need to tie kind of before the act
13:33yeah
13:33to prepare for the copulation
13:35uh
13:36and after
13:37and after
13:39yeah
13:39what happens after the copulation
13:41uh well I normally pop in after I hear Abe snoring
13:46it's often worth cracking a window
13:49informative
13:49okay section five mobility
13:52uh can you open this drawer
14:08people say everyone has a book inside of them
14:12what do you think mine would be
14:13I know you think it's really amusing to come in today but I'm actually not doing this Jo
14:17okay yours would be the chronicles of a man child
14:21do you have any idea how worried I was about you
14:24you just like disappear without a trace and then suddenly I find out you're hanging out with Freya
14:28okay I don't know what to tell you
14:33I'm sorry for being a massive asshole
14:36size is irrelevant when it comes to being an asshole
14:37okay look I was overwhelmed and I didn't know what to do or say so then I just like
14:42I don't care anymore Jo I'm not interested
14:44excuse me
14:44okay but I haven't had a chance to tell you
14:49tell me what
14:50huh
14:52excuse me
14:53sorry
14:54I haven't had a chance to
14:58tell you
15:01sorry guys
15:04excuse me
15:06clearly nothing of importance
15:07great chat Jo see you never
15:12and help from do you use the stairs?
15:14seriously?
15:16no I mean obviously never you've seen my notes
15:20yeah it's just Abe's mine cave up there
15:22downstairs is where the party's at
15:25have you walked much this year?
15:27what?
15:29no still not walking so obviously no
15:32she's just rolling through life like a champ aren't you girl?
15:34no
15:35any dementia?
15:36no
15:38advanced Alzheimer's?
15:40no
15:41are you nonverbal autistic?
15:43I mean clearly not
15:46so no serious cognitive disabilities?
15:48what the hell? I mean we've been talking for the last four hours
15:52is that a no?
15:53yes it's a no
15:55see that's actually quite unclear
16:00no
16:02okay
16:04thirteen hundred hours assessment ends
16:07I cannot reveal the outcome of the assessment
16:09but my recommendation is that the number of hours you claim for your PA remain the same
16:20sorry happy tears
16:22can I have a private word?
16:24yeah absolutely
16:25with Freya
16:34is that an engagement ring?
16:38let me guess
16:39you're not a fan of love?
16:40not when it means you lose half your funding
16:42sorry what?
16:43if you're married the law sees Abe with someone to age you
16:47I don't see how wearing a ring on my finger changes the way that I navigate my life with a
16:52PA
16:53I mean my needs are still going to be the same
16:55unless your husband dies
16:57in which case we would re-evaluate the situation
16:59but as your husband to be isn't currently dead
17:02he is considered your primary caregiver
17:04I hate a whole of this
17:05permission to speak freely?
17:08permission granted
17:10look it's clear you're very capable
17:12but this house
17:14this situation
17:15it disables you
17:17what does that mean?
17:19it means you might want to find somewhere else to live
17:22and think about putting your autonomy first
17:29I was in love once
17:31didn't end so well
17:33I'm so sorry
17:34yeah
17:34ten actually didn't feel the same
17:36there were restraining orders
17:38it got messy
17:42I'll see myself out
17:57hey
17:57oh hey motherfucker
17:59I really need to talk to you
18:00oh snap
18:02where are you?
18:04I mean I don't know what the fuck to do
18:07I'm obviously not going to cancel the wedding
18:09but you know how Abe feels about the house?
18:12he's never going to sell
18:13yeah
18:13his repressed British sadness seeps through the brickwork
18:18not helpful
18:18look I mean maybe finding somewhere new isn't the worst idea
18:21don't all newlyweds buy, renovate and then divorce?
18:25maybe
18:28sorry I haven't even asked how you are
18:30no
18:31no it's fine
18:31let's just keep on unraveling your domestic neurosis
18:34that is way more fun
18:35wait a sec
18:37you're avoiding saying something vulnerable
18:39no
18:41oh it's about Levi
18:46you want to get back together with him
18:47oh I hate it when you do that
18:49oh fuck Jo
18:51okay look I know
18:53I don't want it to be a thing
18:55but it kind of is a thing
18:56and like I don't know
18:57it's kind of gross
18:59but we sort of fit in a fucked up way
19:02oof
19:02have you talked to him about this?
19:04I have tried
19:06okay look as disgusting as I find it
19:09if you're going to betray me
19:11at least you're doing it with meaning
19:13and my consent
19:15but you really need to talk to him
19:17or we could just get shit-faced
19:20fuck yeah
19:22but you have to come with me tonight
19:24no
19:25hey boy
19:27hey
19:29oh
19:30so
19:32any nerves about the big day?
19:34no
19:34second time around
19:35you don't really sweat the small stuff
19:37no I mean Mum's book launch
19:39oh
19:40oh no no not at all
19:42no happy for her
19:43look at this
19:43since she's gone from niche academia
19:46to writing a big proper book
19:48yeah
19:48even if said book
19:50really draws from her own
19:53life experiences
19:56I think after all these years
19:58there's nothing your mother could say that would surprise me
20:00when I was married
20:02I had an affair
20:05with the neighbour next door
20:07we met on Saturday mornings in his shed
20:10it wasn't romantic
20:12it wasn't romantic
20:12or glamorous
20:14it was animal
20:16instinctive
20:17hungry
20:18sometimes
20:19if my husband was out
20:21and the kids were asleep
20:23I'd slip out the back door
20:25we'd meet around the side of the house
20:27didn't always make it to the shed
20:30my buttocks would bleed on the brickwork
20:33I'd bite my fist to keep from crying out
20:37this went on
20:38for years
20:39humans are animals
20:41and monogamy is the exception
20:43not the rule in the animal kingdom
20:45lions
20:47form haremes
20:48dolphins are bisexual
20:50and have many many partners
20:52some species
20:53sure
20:54are socially monogamous to rear offspring
20:57like gibbons
21:00grey wolves
21:01dick dicks
21:02and seahorses
21:05and albatross
21:09and termites
21:11marriage
21:12wasn't made for love
21:14it was made for power
21:16and control
21:18the moment a woman says I do
21:19she enters a story she didn't write
21:22the ring may be gold
21:24and the cage invisible
21:26but it is definitely there
21:28and it is made of steel
21:31so this may be a warning
21:34a message of faith
21:35excuse me
21:36oh my god
21:39oh my god
21:40oh my god
21:42oh my god
21:46so embarrassing
21:47it's fine
21:48it's so far from being fine
21:50what if Jane's right
21:50what?
21:51that we're all poly super sluts
21:52and so are dolphins
21:53obviously
21:55no, that I could lose all my funding
21:57and be caged with a man
21:58and be dependent on him
21:59which is really dangerous
22:00in the animal kingdom
22:01okay Freya
22:02what do you want to do?
22:03huh?
22:04you want to move out?
22:05you want to call off the wedding?
22:05because frankly I'm getting a little tired of your excuses
22:08as to why you don't want to get married
22:12and I wish you all the best with the polyamory
22:14thank you
22:14I hope it goes well
22:15bye
22:18what
22:19was that?
22:21was it an interrupted reading of my book?
22:24you
22:24you
22:25you wanted to do this
22:26I had to find that out
22:28in public
22:29who are you?
22:32was it compost colin?
22:33okay so
22:34I told you to read it
22:35and I told you to read it
22:36all the way through
22:37I'm guessing you didn't?
22:38why was that?
22:38the very next paragraph says
22:40I didn't go through with it
22:41it was just an affair of the mind
22:43of the mind?
22:44yes!
22:45it was a fantasy
22:46that was the whole
22:47don't look at me like that
22:48everybody does it
22:49so you didn't actually
22:50no
22:51oh jesus
22:52Jane
22:53I mean maybe start with that
22:55because my publicist said
22:56that the scandal bit
22:57was the hook
22:58and she was right
23:00look it's working
23:11Jane this is a distorted
23:13unfair
23:14wholly biased
23:16version
23:16of anything you and I ever had together
23:19and colin was like five foot four for fuck's sake
23:21used to wear those stupid little loafers
23:23I'm five foot four
23:24and I wear stupid loafers
23:26I'm sorry you find it so threatening
23:27used to call him tassel toes
23:28well that's not what I used to call him
23:30in my mind
23:31gross
23:31listen
23:32Abe this is your shit
23:34I sent you the PDFs
23:35and I changed the names
23:37so
23:37do you want me to sign this?
23:39who shall I sign it to?
23:41well
23:42Gabe
23:42yeah
23:43okay
23:43you literally changed one letter
23:46to Gabe
23:46fuck off
23:48Jane
23:49you know
23:49I do have deep respect
23:51for these
23:51very complicated emotions
23:53you're having around my book
23:54but if you'll see
23:55that there is actually
23:56an exceptionally long line of people
23:57who are interested in reading it
23:59so
24:01you're a very rude person
24:02don't give a shit
24:10that must have been hard
24:13oh
24:13yeah
24:14not sure I'm ever gonna really get hard again
24:19hey
24:20Levi
24:21I
24:22I'm so sorry
24:23I'm so shit
24:25at expressing myself
24:26I do feel that like
24:27after six glasses of champagne
24:29it might be easier
24:29so
24:31I miss you
24:32I thought about you
24:33all the time
24:34and I just didn't know what to do
24:35and so
24:36yeah there
24:36you go
24:37I said it
24:38so
24:38yeah
24:39okay
24:40well
24:40that's very nice to hear Joe
24:42thank you
24:44do you think that
24:44like
24:45we could spend some time
24:46what I think is that
24:48you make me feel like shit
24:50and
24:51it's
24:52not good for me
24:53you know
24:55and that means therefore
24:57you're not good for me
24:58and
24:59because of that
25:00I think it's probably best
25:01that we just
25:03we just see each other around
25:07so
25:07erm
25:09it's been fun
25:16hey
25:19twat had his light on
25:20I just drove straight past him
25:23ableist bastard
25:25I need to talk to you about something
25:26well yeah
25:27don't worry about knocking over the book display
25:29it's a
25:29welcome distraction if anything
25:34Abe that must have been so difficult for you
25:37hmm
25:39but honestly
25:40fuck it
25:43yeah
25:44fuck it
25:45fuck it
25:46fuck it
25:47fuck it
25:48fuck it
25:50fuck it
25:51fuck it
25:51okay Abe
25:52you're glitching
25:53there's something else I need to talk to you about
25:55what's up
26:24what's up
26:25what's up
26:30what's up
26:30I'm serious Joe
26:31I can't do this
26:35having my funding taken away is one thing but
26:39becoming reliant on you
26:41for everything
26:42I mean
26:43I
26:44I don't want that
26:46for either of us
26:47do you
26:48it isn't ideal
26:49no shit
26:50but
26:52we will figure it out
26:55I mean that's what we do
26:56right
26:59so um
27:00what's the solution
27:03I don't have a solution right this second
27:06great
27:07but
27:08I love you
27:11and you know I'll do anything to make you happy
27:15anything
27:19I need you to sell the house
27:24I don't think I can do that
27:34you can ask them anything you like but their prophecies might be peculiar watch now small profits on iPlayer this
27:42and everything across the BBC is made possible because we're
27:45funded by you
27:46thank you
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