Becker😂Best of Becker Season 1😂He doesn't give a hoot!

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00:00:00Yeah, you know, you know what's killing this country?

00:00:03Those idiotic TV talk shows.

00:00:05You know, I watched one last night.

00:00:07I should have just stuck a fork in my eye.

00:00:09You know, it's like America stepped in something

00:00:12and it's scraping off its shoe directly over my TV set.

00:00:15I'm telling you, Jerry Springer, Jenny Jones,

00:00:18they're all broadcasting straight from hell.

00:00:21You know, I watched one the other day.

00:00:23You don't even know what the hell it was.

00:00:25Apparently, some guy wanted to be a woman,

00:00:27so he chops it off.

00:00:29And he decides he likes chicks after all,

00:00:32so he becomes a lesbian.

00:00:35Tell me there's not a wasted step in there somewhere.

00:00:40Trust me on this one.

00:00:42White trash is the only natural resource

00:00:44this country will never run out of.

00:00:47If you shut your mouth,

00:00:48it keeps the words from just falling out like that.

00:00:52Oh, yeah, that's just what I want to be.

00:00:53Another schmuck riding down the street

00:00:55with a little bell and a stupid helmet

00:00:57trying to save the environment.

00:00:59Like my little two-wheeler is going to make a difference

00:01:01in a city with 50 million cabs

00:01:03belching out toxic smoke.

00:01:05Oh, little Timmy can't breathe,

00:01:07but don't worry.

00:01:08Becker's riding a bike.

00:01:11I think she likes you.

00:01:14You know, just because you're blind

00:01:16doesn't mean you have some sixth sense about these things.

00:01:18It just means you're blind.

00:01:20A dentist?

00:01:22You're going out with a guy

00:01:24who couldn't even get into medical school?

00:01:28No time for breakfast, Reg.

00:01:29It's just a cup of coffee.

00:01:31My car broke down,

00:01:32so I had to take the bus.

00:01:33You done that lately?

00:01:34You know, it's like being

00:01:35in an ethanol-powered Fellini film.

00:01:38The first thing I see

00:01:39is some woman breastfeeding her son,

00:01:42her adult son.

00:01:45And behind them

00:01:46is someone in this lovely Chanel evening gown

00:01:49who's either an unattractive man

00:01:50or a really unattractive woman.

00:01:53The only seat I could find

00:01:54was next some guy who claims he's Moses.

00:01:56You know, he may well have been, too.

00:01:57He smelled like some guy

00:01:59had been dead for 3,000 years.

00:02:00You're a lying-smoking bastard.

00:02:02I know, because I'm one, too.

00:02:04Tell you something, Jake.

00:02:05You ever want to get rid

00:02:06of all the stupid drivers in New York,

00:02:08put a cannon on my car,

00:02:09because sooner or later,

00:02:10they all find me.

00:02:12I'm backing into the space out front, right?

00:02:15My space?

00:02:16And some idiot swings right in ahead of me.

00:02:18So you pull back,

00:02:19and you block them in.

00:02:20Damn right I did.

00:02:22Man, taking up half the street.

00:02:23Cars got to go into traffic

00:02:25to get around me.

00:02:26And kiss my ass,

00:02:27because I'm not moving.

00:02:30And whatever happened

00:02:30to common courtesy?

00:02:32Oh, yeah, running.

00:02:33Great idea.

00:02:33There's only one reason to run.

00:02:35If you're being chased,

00:02:36if you're on fire.

00:02:37Otherwise, it's dumb.

00:02:39You know, every day,

00:02:40I see the same guy

00:02:40jogging around the track

00:02:42at the high school.

00:02:43His dog just sits there

00:02:44and watches him.

00:02:45One of them's running.

00:02:46One of them's not.

00:02:47The one who's not

00:02:48gets his poop picked up

00:02:49by the other one.

00:02:52You tell me who's smarter.

00:02:55Ah, well, MJ,

00:02:57a man and a woman

00:02:59can only have a baby

00:03:01when they love each other

00:03:03very much.

00:03:04Sex is what they use

00:03:07against each other

00:03:07when they don't.

00:03:09People spend so much time

00:03:11talking about sex,

00:03:12they can't possibly be getting

00:03:14as much as they say they are.

00:03:15They're too busy

00:03:16calling talk shows

00:03:17or typing in chat rooms

00:03:19or sitting around diners

00:03:21swapping stories

00:03:22about the weirdest place

00:03:23they ever did it.

00:03:24The Statue of Liberty?

00:03:26Margaret, here's a tip for you.

00:03:28Keep your kids

00:03:28out of our national monuments.

00:03:31Jake, let me give you

00:03:32a little tip.

00:03:33Whatever you do,

00:03:34never, ever go to a hospital.

00:03:36You got a problem?

00:03:37Throw yourself

00:03:37in front of a train.

00:03:39It's quicker, it's cheaper,

00:03:39and it's a hell of a lot

00:03:40less paperwork.

00:03:42Oh, a patient of mine

00:03:44went to the hospital

00:03:45this morning for surgery.

00:03:46By the time I get there,

00:03:48he's gone.

00:03:48Oh, John, I'm sorry.

00:03:50No, he's not dead.

00:03:52He's gone.

00:03:53They lost him.

00:03:55They physically lost

00:03:57the entire person.

00:03:58Oh, yeah, they keep track

00:03:59of their $25 aspirins

00:04:01and their $40 Q-tips,

00:04:03but apparently,

00:04:03poor, unconscious

00:04:05Mr. Borelli

00:04:05was just a little

00:04:06too slippery for him.

00:04:09But at least

00:04:10it was all worthwhile.

00:04:11When I got Mr. Borelli

00:04:13up to his room,

00:04:14he found the perfect way

00:04:16to thank me.

00:04:17Threw up all over

00:04:18my shoes.

00:04:21Let's review,

00:04:23shall we?

00:04:24Four kids, right?

00:04:26No fathers around,

00:04:28and you're planning

00:04:28on having number five

00:04:30with some new guy

00:04:31just to see

00:04:32if he might want

00:04:32one of his own?

00:04:33Well, what is that?

00:04:34Like a test drive?

00:04:36Well, what do you expect

00:04:37me to say?

00:04:38Your life's like

00:04:39a bad game show.

00:04:40You only get asked

00:04:41one question,

00:04:42and the answer's

00:04:43always yes,

00:04:44and then the contestant

00:04:46gets to go home,

00:04:47and then you're stuck

00:04:47with a lovely

00:04:48parting gift.

00:04:49Hey, I love my kids.

00:04:51Teresa, nobody

00:04:52in this neighborhood

00:04:52doubts your ability

00:04:54to love.

00:04:54Nobody.

00:04:57You know what

00:04:58I ought to prescribe

00:04:59for you?

00:05:00Velcro.

00:05:01Here's what you do.

00:05:02You put one piece

00:05:04on each knee.

00:05:05When you hear this sound,

00:05:06stop and think

00:05:07about what you're doing.

00:05:10Oh, yeah, lady?

00:05:12Well, instead of putting

00:05:13that stupid bone in his hair,

00:05:15why don't you teach him

00:05:15not to crap

00:05:16all over the sidewalk?

00:05:18I sure hope he's

00:05:19talking about a dog.

00:05:21Hey, I don't care

00:05:22if you don't have

00:05:23a scooper.

00:05:23Pick it up

00:05:24and put it in your pocket,

00:05:25you idiot.

00:05:28Caffeinated cigarettes.

00:05:29Am I crazy,

00:05:30or is that a good idea?

00:05:31Yeah, if you're gonna

00:05:32smoke yourself to death,

00:05:33you may as well

00:05:33be awake for it.

00:05:37Oh, look at this story.

00:05:38You're not gonna believe this.

00:05:3945 injured

00:05:40in toy store riot.

00:05:42You wanna know

00:05:43what led these mature adults

00:05:44to violence?

00:05:45Those stupid little

00:05:47beanie dolls.

00:05:48I mean, are people's lives

00:05:50this empty?

00:05:51What are we talking about?

00:05:52It's a sweat sock

00:05:53with eyes.

00:05:55See, the problem

00:05:56with blind dates

00:05:58is you end up

00:05:58going out

00:05:59with the kind of people

00:06:00who go out

00:06:01on blind dates.

00:06:03Frankly,

00:06:04those people

00:06:05are much better off alone.

00:06:08Margaret,

00:06:09there's a reason

00:06:09they named the blind date

00:06:11after a disabling condition.

00:06:13Oh, jeez.

00:06:14Does the health department

00:06:15know about this?

00:06:17I'll see you tonight.

00:06:18I can't wait.

00:06:20Hey, how's it going?

00:06:22Can't complain.

00:06:23Apparently not.

00:06:25You can't possibly believe

00:06:27that that guy's right for it.

00:06:28Why not?

00:06:29He's friendly.

00:06:30He's attentive.

00:06:31He's eager to please.

00:06:32Yeah, he's a cocker spaniel.

00:06:35What are you talking

00:06:36about Todd again?

00:06:37Oh, interesting.

00:06:38You hear the words

00:06:38cocker spaniel

00:06:39and you immediately

00:06:40think of Todd.

00:06:41Rusty,

00:06:42sit down.

00:06:50First of all,

00:06:51you can drop

00:06:51the phony sycophantic charm.

00:06:53I don't need a new pal,

00:06:54just a waiter.

00:06:55I want you to take a glass

00:06:57and put some vodka in it,

00:06:58not that stuffed

00:06:59andouille vodka,

00:07:00just normal human vodka.

00:07:02Then take the splash

00:07:03of vermouth

00:07:04out of the double pork chops,

00:07:06put it in the glass,

00:07:07turning it into

00:07:08a free-range vodka martini.

00:07:10Then bring it back here

00:07:11as fast as you can

00:07:12so I can drink it in peace.

00:07:14Are you with me?

00:07:15I got you.

00:07:16I've seen Titanic

00:07:1853 times.

00:07:21There are moments

00:07:22when I feel like

00:07:24I am actually

00:07:25on that ship.

00:07:27Me too.

00:07:29I was thinking

00:07:30after dinner

00:07:31we should go

00:07:32to a karaoke bar.

00:07:33I go all the time.

00:07:35They're really fun.

00:07:36Oh yeah,

00:07:37karaoke bar,

00:07:37great idea

00:07:38because so often

00:07:39when I'm listening

00:07:40to Sinatra,

00:07:41I'm thinking,

00:07:42wouldn't it be great

00:07:43if I could just take

00:07:44Sinatra's voice out

00:07:45and replace it

00:07:46with the off-key

00:07:48yowling of some drunk?

00:07:52You're very tense.

00:07:53Well,

00:07:54that's my hobby.

00:07:55Look, Kelly,

00:07:57I'm gonna have

00:07:57to be honest with you.

00:07:58If you and I

00:07:58were the last two people

00:08:00on this earth,

00:08:00that would be

00:08:01the only thing

00:08:02that we have in common.

00:08:04Now,

00:08:04I could sit here

00:08:06all night

00:08:06with my frozen smile,

00:08:08you know,

00:08:08walk you to your doorstep,

00:08:09promise to call,

00:08:11then run like hell

00:08:11for a cab,

00:08:12but what I'd like to do

00:08:13is skip directly

00:08:14to the run like hell

00:08:15for a cab

00:08:16because if you think

00:08:17I'm hard to take now,

00:08:19you don't want

00:08:19to be around me

00:08:20for even five minutes

00:08:21in a karaoke bar,

00:08:22so I'm gonna do

00:08:24the biggest favor

00:08:24of your life.

00:08:26I, uh,

00:08:27dinner's on me.

00:08:29I'm very,

00:08:30very sorry.

00:08:32Morning, Reggie.

00:08:33Can I have a cup of coffee?

00:08:34Hi, Becker.

00:08:36I'm about to make you

00:08:37a very happy man.

00:08:38Oh, yeah?

00:08:39Somebody else

00:08:39make the coffee?

00:08:43No, you were right

00:08:44and I was wrong.

00:08:46Well, sure.

00:08:48You guys see the paper

00:08:49this morning?

00:08:50John, we keep going

00:08:51over this.

00:08:52I'm blind.

00:08:54Haven't seen anything

00:08:55for five years.

00:08:57Yeah, well,

00:08:57it's unbelievable.

00:08:58You know,

00:08:59some kid in West Virginia

00:09:00gets a bad grade,

00:09:02grabs his daddy's rifle,

00:09:03and shoots out

00:09:04his teacher's tires.

00:09:06You know,

00:09:06another slice

00:09:07of Americana

00:09:07brought to you

00:09:08by those card-carrying

00:09:09lunatics who think

00:09:10they're defending

00:09:10the Second Amendment.

00:09:12Lord knows,

00:09:13when I want

00:09:13the Constitution

00:09:14explained to me,

00:09:15the first place

00:09:16I turn to

00:09:16is to some toothless

00:09:17cretin with a

00:09:18third-grade education

00:09:20and a Elmer Fudd cap.

00:09:22Not that I have

00:09:23anything against hunting.

00:09:25Makes you feel

00:09:25more like a man

00:09:26to blow Bambi's head off

00:09:27and knock yourself out.

00:09:29Just lock up

00:09:30the damn gun

00:09:31so when little

00:09:32Billy Bob,

00:09:33you know,

00:09:33flunks Jim,

00:09:34he doesn't have

00:09:34a hissy fit

00:09:35and take out

00:09:35half the faculty.

00:09:38Reggie,

00:09:39we gotta get

00:09:39to the paper

00:09:40before he does

00:09:40so we can cut out

00:09:41everything that'll

00:09:42piss him off.

00:09:44That pretty much

00:09:45leaves the weather

00:09:45in Charlie Brown.

00:09:46Yeah,

00:09:47you know,

00:09:47I hate that

00:09:48pathetic little cloth.

00:09:49How hard is it

00:09:50to kick a damn football?

00:09:53Good morning.

00:09:54Finally.

00:09:54You know,

00:09:55I'm not getting

00:09:55any younger.

00:09:56If you wanna get

00:09:57any older,

00:09:57drop the attitude.

00:10:06Hello,

00:10:07little sir.

00:10:08Have you given

00:10:08any thought

00:10:09to the afterlife?

00:10:11Depends.

00:10:11Are you two

00:10:12gonna be there?

00:10:14Yes, sir.

00:10:15That's why we're here.

00:10:16In fact,

00:10:16we're here.

00:10:18Dr. Becker?

00:10:20How do people

00:10:20find out where I live?

00:10:25Mrs. Forrester,

00:10:26what are you doing here?

00:10:27I was in the neighborhood

00:10:28so I figured

00:10:29I'd drop off

00:10:30these casket brochures.

00:10:32How thoughtful.

00:10:33Oh, I'm sorry.

00:10:34You're in the middle

00:10:35of dinner.

00:10:35I'm imposing.

00:10:36Well, kind of,

00:10:37but that's all right.

00:10:38Let me just,

00:10:39I'll give these

00:10:40a look-see here.

00:10:41I got my eye

00:10:42on the mahogany casket

00:10:43with the gold handles.

00:10:45I'll be eager

00:10:45to hear what you think.

00:10:47Right about now,

00:10:48I'm thinking

00:10:48Ziploc bag

00:10:49and a catapult.

00:10:51I like having

00:10:52a good time.

00:10:53I like people.

00:10:54No, you don't.

00:10:57I'm trying

00:10:57to like people.

00:10:58It's just, you know,

00:10:59so hard to weed

00:11:00through the stupid ones.

00:11:03Okay, Mrs. Capellos,

00:11:04you're going to be

00:11:05just fine.

00:11:06A couple weeks,

00:11:07you're going to be

00:11:07flat on your back,

00:11:08your legs up in the air,

00:11:09screaming like a banshee.

00:11:12Pretty much what

00:11:13put you in that condition

00:11:14in the first place.

00:11:16She's a hottie.

00:11:19I don't know

00:11:20how to thank you.

00:11:21Well, just seeing

00:11:22the two of you leave

00:11:23is thanks enough.

00:11:25Stay well.

00:11:26Truth is, Margaret,

00:11:29I envy you

00:11:30and your Bible.

00:11:32You know,

00:11:32at least it's someplace

00:11:33to look for answers.

00:11:35I have one in my desk.

00:11:37Would you like

00:11:37to look at it?

00:11:39No, thanks.

00:11:40And I'd be one

00:11:41of those people

00:11:41who reads the Bible.

00:11:42Yeah.

00:11:48I have a bottle

00:11:50of scotch

00:11:50in my desk.

00:11:51You want to join me?

00:11:53No, thanks.

00:11:55But my weight

00:11:56won't give you

00:11:56a headache tomorrow.

00:11:58Want to bet?

00:12:01Yeah, well,

00:12:02plans are overrated.

00:12:04They change.

00:12:06I stink at giving advice.

00:12:08If I was any good

00:12:08at giving advice,

00:12:09I'd give some to myself.

00:12:11You know?

00:12:11I have as many problems

00:12:12as anybody else.

00:12:14Have some pie.

00:12:16No, then I'd just be

00:12:17one of those people

00:12:17who eats pie.

00:12:20Got any words of wisdom

00:12:21to get me through tonight?

00:12:23You know,

00:12:23what I like to do

00:12:24is find someone

00:12:25who's even more miserable

00:12:27than me

00:12:27and then hang out with them.

00:12:44Oh, God.

00:12:50City of New York.

00:12:53Department of Public Works.

00:12:55Yeah, right.

00:12:55Like anything in this city works.

00:12:59Yeah, I want...

00:13:01Oh, crap.

00:13:03Voicemail.

00:13:06Yes, I have a touchstone phone.

00:13:09It's the 90s.

00:13:10I also have indoor plumbing.

00:13:13Yes, I speak English.

00:13:15You asked me in English.

00:13:18Yes, I have a complaint.

00:13:19I'm talking to voicemail.

00:13:22Yeah, oh, finally.

00:13:23Yeah, listen,

00:13:24I want to leave a message.

00:13:25It's about a broken streetlight

00:13:27on Caden Avenue.

00:13:28If it's not fixed by tomorrow,

00:13:30I'm coming down there

00:13:31and I'm gonna kick

00:13:32every one of your flabby asses

00:13:34up to and including

00:13:35Mayor Giuliani.

00:13:36And if you got a problem with that,

00:13:38come and get me.

00:13:38My name is John...

00:13:43Uh...

00:13:43Lo-Main.

00:13:46It's, uh...

00:13:47It's French.

00:13:49Au revoir.

00:13:54Come on, lady.

00:13:56I've seen continents

00:13:57drift faster than this.

00:14:01Would it make it easier on you

00:14:03if we just put

00:14:03all the old people on skates?

00:14:05Yes, it would.

00:14:06Give me some coffee, will you?

00:14:08I spent the last half hour

00:14:09on the phone with the city

00:14:11trying to get them to fix

00:14:12this flickering streetlight

00:14:14outside my apartment.

00:14:15They told me to forget it.

00:14:17It doesn't pose

00:14:17a serious enough threat

00:14:19to public safety.

00:14:20It just proves

00:14:21they have no idea

00:14:21how pissed off I am.

00:14:23Hi there.

00:14:25How are you today?

00:14:27Look, I'm, uh...

00:14:28circulating a petition

00:14:29to get the broken streetlight

00:14:30outside fixed.

00:14:31Uh, stay away from us.

00:14:32You're the one

00:14:33who slammed the door

00:14:33in our faces

00:14:34when my Tiffany

00:14:35was selling cookies.

00:14:37Oh, yeah.

00:14:38Uh, right.

00:14:38Look, look,

00:14:39I thought you were

00:14:40that lesbian

00:14:40with a dwarf girlfriend

00:14:41who used to live

00:14:42in the building.

00:14:44You know,

00:14:45they stole my tools.

00:14:48Oh, hey, come on.

00:14:49You know,

00:14:49who lets their kid

00:14:50go door-to-door

00:14:50selling crap

00:14:51nobody wants anyway?

00:14:52You know,

00:14:53where's your kid

00:14:53at 2 in the morning

00:14:54when I need cigarettes?

00:14:56Yes, I'm still here.

00:14:58You didn't think

00:14:58anyone was crazy enough

00:14:59to stay on hold

00:15:00this long, did you?

00:15:01Yeah, no, forget it.

00:15:02Your name is what again?

00:15:04Martinez, right.

00:15:05And you work

00:15:06for the Department

00:15:06of Sanitation?

00:15:08Perfect.

00:15:08Listen, uh,

00:15:09first of all,

00:15:09let me tell you,

00:15:10I love what you guys do.

00:15:11You do great work.

00:15:12Anywho,

00:15:13I got a question for you.

00:15:14Say you got a,

00:15:15you got a broken,

00:15:16uh, broken table lamp,

00:15:18you know,

00:15:18you put it out

00:15:19in the garbage.

00:15:19You guys come

00:15:20pick that up, right?

00:15:21Right, well,

00:15:22I got a broken streetlight

00:15:23outside my window here.

00:15:25I want you guys

00:15:25to come haul it away.

00:15:27No, no, no,

00:15:28don't transfer me

00:15:29to Public Works.

00:15:30They hate me there.

00:15:32Well, why not,

00:15:33for God's sake?

00:15:34It's garbage.

00:15:35You guys pick up

00:15:36garbage, right?

00:15:36Just come pick it up.

00:15:38Hello?

00:15:39Hello?

00:15:40You gotta be kidding me.

00:15:42Look,

00:15:42I, I did not invent

00:15:43the prostate exam.

00:15:45Believe me,

00:15:45if I had,

00:15:46we would be doing this

00:15:47through the mail.

00:15:49But I mean,

00:15:50my God.

00:15:51Mr. Williams,

00:15:52I haven't slept

00:15:53in two days,

00:15:54so forgive me

00:15:54if I'm not

00:15:55my usual cheery self,

00:15:56but how the hell

00:15:57did you think

00:15:57I was gonna examine

00:15:58your prostate?

00:15:59Well,

00:16:00to tell you the truth,

00:16:01Doc,

00:16:01I didn't really

00:16:01know where it was.

00:16:02I just figured

00:16:04you'd have me

00:16:04open my mouth

00:16:05and say,

00:16:05ah.

00:16:07My arm's not

00:16:08that long.

00:16:09Now, come on,

00:16:09suck it up here,

00:16:10will you?

00:16:10Up yours,

00:16:11Mr. Music.

00:16:12I'm not giving you

00:16:13a dime.

00:16:14Believe that guy?

00:16:15He plays

00:16:15Stairway to Heaven

00:16:16on a kazoo,

00:16:17expects people

00:16:18to throw money

00:16:18at him,

00:16:19jackass.

00:16:20Hey,

00:16:20I burned the right

00:16:21to bitch.

00:16:22A window in my

00:16:23apartment's stuck open,

00:16:24I can't get my

00:16:25super to fix it.

00:16:26I don't get it.

00:16:27The guy can lash

00:16:28a dozen coconuts

00:16:30into a raft,

00:16:31paddle his way

00:16:31to freedom,

00:16:32but apparently

00:16:33now it's too much

00:16:34effort to ride

00:16:35the elevator

00:16:36up to 3B

00:16:36and unjam my window.

00:16:39Becker,

00:16:39it's a known fact

00:16:40that treating prisoners

00:16:41humanely has made

00:16:42crime go down.

00:16:43Oh,

00:16:43let me get my

00:16:44doctor bag

00:16:45and treat

00:16:45your bleeding heart.

00:16:47Yeah,

00:16:47for your information,

00:16:48crime is not down.

00:16:50Oh,

00:16:50of course it is.

00:16:51You read about it

00:16:52every day in the paper.

00:16:53What's your problem?

00:16:54Can't you admit

00:16:55when you're wrong?

00:16:55Becker?

00:16:56Hey,

00:16:57hey,

00:16:57shut up,

00:16:57will ya?

00:16:58For your information,

00:16:59when I'm wrong,

00:16:59I freely admit it.

00:17:00My first two marriages,

00:17:02dead wrong.

00:17:04Another time,

00:17:04I thought I was wrong,

00:17:06turns out I wasn't,

00:17:07so I was wrong

00:17:07about that.

00:17:10You know,

00:17:11as a matter of fact,

00:17:11I treat the disease

00:17:12with kindness

00:17:13and understanding

00:17:14so that it can

00:17:14come back into society

00:17:16and lead a productive life

00:17:17robbing convenience stores

00:17:19for drug money.

00:17:20Have a nice day.

00:17:21Hey,

00:17:22Archie,

00:17:22Veronica,

00:17:23it's a doctor's office,

00:17:24not the malt shop.

00:17:25Hi,

00:17:26Dr. Becker.

00:17:27Now,

00:17:27wait a minute,

00:17:28so you're saying

00:17:29that if the crime rate

00:17:31were significantly down,

00:17:33they would be

00:17:34laying off cops.

00:17:35It's not that simple.

00:17:36So conversely,

00:17:37if no cops

00:17:38are being laid off,

00:17:39then the crime rate

00:17:40isn't really lower.

00:17:42Are you trying

00:17:43to give me a headache?

00:17:44No,

00:17:44no,

00:17:44no.

00:17:45Hey,

00:17:46Jake,

00:17:46knocking off early,

00:17:47aren't you?

00:17:48What is it,

00:17:48Ray Charles' birthday?

00:17:51You know something,

00:17:52Reg?

00:17:53Doing the quiz

00:17:54in Cosmo

00:17:54does not make you

00:17:55a psychologist.

00:17:57Now,

00:17:57as I'm the only one here

00:17:58with a medical background,

00:17:59I gotta say

00:18:00that you see

00:18:01I'm a little obsessed,

00:18:01as if diminishing me

00:18:03would somehow

00:18:04elevate you.

00:18:05Now,

00:18:05I'd look into that

00:18:06if I were you.

00:18:09Oh,

00:18:09you know something,

00:18:10you missed your calling.

00:18:11You should be working

00:18:12in a women's prison.

00:18:14Have you ever considered

00:18:15any alternative medicine?

00:18:17that's just what I need,

00:18:17some fairy dust

00:18:18from some new-age

00:18:19chicken spanker.

00:18:21Oh,

00:18:22look at this.

00:18:24Lanterns,

00:18:25incense,

00:18:25beaded curtains.

00:18:26The only thing missing

00:18:27are ducks hanging

00:18:28in the window.

00:18:30More.

00:18:33Please?

00:18:34Yeah.

00:18:36Why don't you just

00:18:37bang your cup

00:18:38on the table?

00:18:42Quite a little life

00:18:43I've carved out

00:18:44for myself.

00:18:45For the next 20 minutes,

00:18:46you can get me

00:18:46on the cell phone,

00:18:47then I'm at the office.

00:18:48If you can't find me there,

00:18:49try my pager.

00:18:50You got that?

00:18:52Hello?

00:18:55Who the hell

00:18:55is this guy?

00:18:56The president?

00:18:57Does he have

00:18:57the launch codes

00:18:58or something?

00:18:59I mean,

00:19:00how inflated

00:19:01does your ego

00:19:01have to be

00:19:02to think that the

00:19:02Earth's gonna spin

00:19:03off its axis

00:19:04if you miss a call?

00:19:06Frankly,

00:19:06I'd pay extra

00:19:07for a device

00:19:07that would make it

00:19:08harder for the

00:19:09world to find me.

00:19:10But the world

00:19:11would pitch in

00:19:11and buy it

00:19:12for you, too.

00:19:14But do you really

00:19:15want to go to the game

00:19:16where someone's

00:19:16gonna be leaning over

00:19:17every two minutes

00:19:18saying,

00:19:18what just happened?

00:19:19What just happened?

00:19:21What's that supposed

00:19:21to mean?

00:19:22It means that

00:19:23you can't see,

00:19:24so giving you

00:19:24the ticket would be,

00:19:25and I mean this

00:19:26nicest way possible,

00:19:27insane.

00:19:28Yeah,

00:19:28I bet it's still.

00:19:29Why don't you

00:19:29take him to the rink

00:19:30at Rockefeller Center,

00:19:31sing O Canada,

00:19:32and tell him

00:19:33it's a hockey game.

00:19:36This is about

00:19:37my car

00:19:37blocking your space.

00:19:38I'm not moving.

00:19:40If this is about

00:19:41my laundry

00:19:41and all the machines,

00:19:43it's not moving.

00:19:47Hey!

00:19:48How many times

00:19:48I gotta tell you,

00:19:49quit sliding menus

00:19:50under my door!

00:19:51Look,

00:19:52I've eaten

00:19:52in this crappy restaurant.

00:19:54Don't think I don't know

00:19:55what's going on down there,

00:19:56too.

00:19:56I've seen that dumpster

00:19:57full of dog collars.

00:19:59go tell me

00:20:00what the hell

00:20:01you gonna do

00:20:01when it's time

00:20:02to use your mind

00:20:03or throw you

00:20:03like some

00:20:04Hey!

00:20:04Or should I say

00:20:05you!

00:20:06Either turn down

00:20:08that stereo

00:20:08or roll up your windows

00:20:10or better yet,

00:20:11get the hell

00:20:11out of here!

00:20:13I don't care

00:20:14if you taste

00:20:15in music

00:20:15as MC,

00:20:16rap,

00:20:16daddy,

00:20:17dog,

00:20:17whatever.

00:20:18Just don't force

00:20:20me to listen to it.

00:20:21You know,

00:20:22I don't drive

00:20:22by his house

00:20:23and blast

00:20:24James Taylor,

00:20:25do I?

00:20:26Coffee to go

00:20:27there, Reg?

00:20:28Go,

00:20:29thank God.

00:20:30I swear

00:20:30the world

00:20:31would be a better

00:20:31place

00:20:31to let me

00:20:32get rid

00:20:32of six idiots

00:20:33a day,

00:20:34you know,

00:20:34thin out the herd

00:20:35a little.

00:20:36You're not serious.

00:20:37The hell I'm not.

00:20:38I could find

00:20:39six idiots

00:20:40before breakfast

00:20:41still have my

00:20:41whole day

00:20:42ahead of me.

00:20:43For starters,

00:20:43I'd get rid

00:20:44of that guy

00:20:44out there

00:20:45with the

00:20:46boombox

00:20:46on wheels

00:20:47and then,

00:20:48oh yeah,

00:20:49yeah,

00:20:49those people

00:20:49have hibachis

00:20:50and cooked chicken

00:20:51out on the street.

00:20:52I hate that.

00:20:53And then those

00:20:54cab drivers

00:20:55who think

00:20:56that showering

00:20:57is just for

00:20:57months

00:20:58with the letter

00:20:58R in them.

00:21:00Oh, Reg,

00:21:02a little hint.

00:21:03Unlike wine,

00:21:04coffee does not

00:21:05get better

00:21:05with age.

00:21:08Hey,

00:21:08what's your problem?

00:21:09You didn't look,

00:21:10you didn't check,

00:21:10you just pulled out

00:21:11right into traffic.

00:21:11The hell I did.

00:21:12I signal, pal.

00:21:13Yeah, right.

00:21:14You know,

00:21:14even if I hadn't,

00:21:15how could you miss

00:21:16a boat like mine?

00:21:17I mean,

00:21:17don't you know

00:21:18how to drive?

00:21:19I swear,

00:21:19you people make me nuts.

00:21:21You know,

00:21:21you're all over the road.

00:21:22It's that the rules

00:21:23don't apply to you.

00:21:25See you in court.

00:21:26Yeah, right.

00:21:27Surprised you

00:21:28didn't see anything.

00:21:29Four eyes!

00:21:32I swear,

00:21:33you know,

00:21:34six a day,

00:21:34that's all I ask.

00:21:35Six a day.

00:21:38Morning.

00:21:40What are you doing

00:21:40sneaking in the back door?

00:21:42I'm not sneaking.

00:21:43I had to walk

00:21:44from the coffee shop,

00:21:45so I cut through the alley.

00:21:47You been back there lately?

00:21:48It's a magical world

00:21:49of bodily fluids.

00:21:52What happened to your car?

00:21:54Some dimwit

00:21:55plowed into it.

00:21:56It's a wreck.

00:21:57Look,

00:21:57how can you tell?

00:22:00You know,

00:22:01every time I think

00:22:02God can't screw me

00:22:03any worse,

00:22:03he pulls out

00:22:04the old blackened Decker

00:22:05and twists a little harder.

00:22:07Interesting.

00:22:08You're being persecuted

00:22:09by a God

00:22:09you don't believe in.

00:22:11That's why

00:22:11he's after me, Margaret.

00:22:14So,

00:22:15what happened, anyway?

00:22:16There I am,

00:22:17minding my own business,

00:22:18and someone comes up

00:22:19and hits me

00:22:20on my nose.

00:22:21Yeah.

00:22:22A New York cabbie

00:22:23punched in the nose.

00:22:24Applause, applause, applause.

00:22:26Please,

00:22:27mine is an honorable profession.

00:22:28Yes, of course it is,

00:22:29Mr. Haranya...

00:22:31Haranya Garba.

00:22:32Right, exactly.

00:22:33Yeah,

00:22:34so what'd you do

00:22:35to get him

00:22:35to hit you like that?

00:22:36Did you take him

00:22:37to the airport

00:22:37by way of Cuba?

00:22:38Was it the French

00:22:39Connection ride

00:22:40across town,

00:22:41or what'd you do?

00:22:41Did you screw

00:22:42with the meter

00:22:42so you could

00:22:43triple charge him?

00:22:44What was it?

00:22:44Thank God.

00:22:45With your family history,

00:22:46I understand your concern,

00:22:48so promise me,

00:22:49make an appointment,

00:22:49come back,

00:22:50we'll do a full workup.

00:22:51All right,

00:22:51but what about the pain?

00:22:52Here,

00:22:53show him these.

00:22:54What are they?

00:22:54Antacids.

00:22:55Margaret will be back

00:22:56in a minute.

00:23:02Got out of there

00:23:03just in time.

00:23:06Ah, Mr. Williams.

00:23:08Eggs,

00:23:08bacon,

00:23:09hash browns,

00:23:10I see you jumped

00:23:10right in that

00:23:11low-cholesterol diet

00:23:12I put you on.

00:23:14I was gonna start

00:23:15that tomorrow.

00:23:16Yeah,

00:23:17don't worry about it.

00:23:18In here,

00:23:19I'm not your doctor.

00:23:20Just think of me

00:23:21as a private citizen

00:23:22who's telling you

00:23:23you're slowly

00:23:24killing yourself.

00:23:25Reg,

00:23:25can I have

00:23:26one of my cigarettes,

00:23:26please?

00:23:33Oh, come on,

00:23:35Reg,

00:23:35open up already.

00:23:37God,

00:23:37it's the creature

00:23:38that doesn't sleep.

00:23:41Come on,

00:23:41will ya?

00:23:43Why are you

00:23:43keeping me waiting

00:23:44out there?

00:23:45I've already been

00:23:45hit on by a junkie,

00:23:47two bums,

00:23:47and a hooker.

00:23:49Always nice to see

00:23:50a family working

00:23:51together,

00:23:52though,

00:23:52isn't it?

00:23:54I need coffee

00:23:55to go.

00:23:55It's brewing.

00:23:57Don't you ever

00:23:57just wake up

00:23:58and think,

00:23:59wow,

00:23:59what a beautiful day.

00:24:00Isn't it great

00:24:01to be alive?

00:24:03Where'd you grow up?

00:24:04In a greeting card?

00:24:07Well,

00:24:07you're always

00:24:07so cynical.

00:24:08I don't understand

00:24:09why you can't

00:24:10be more positive.

00:24:11Oh,

00:24:11I'm positive.

00:24:12I'm positive

00:24:12that every single day

00:24:14the evil forces

00:24:15of nature

00:24:15are out there

00:24:16waiting to screw me.

00:24:18Wow,

00:24:19how do you get

00:24:19through a day

00:24:20with that attitude?

00:24:21I have a cup

00:24:22of coffee.

00:24:24I gotta get

00:24:25into the office.

00:24:26I promised a friend

00:24:27of mine

00:24:27I'd do him a favor.

00:24:28It's already

00:24:28biting me in the ass.

00:24:30Gee,

00:24:30you're making

00:24:31such a fuss.

00:24:31What'd you promise

00:24:32him you'd do,

00:24:32give him a kidney?

00:24:33No,

00:24:33I'm gonna need

00:24:34my kidney

00:24:34for my coffee.

00:24:37Oh.

00:24:38I told him

00:24:39I'd write an article

00:24:40in his medical journal.

00:24:41It's due in two days.

00:24:42I don't even know

00:24:43what I'm gonna write yet.

00:24:44You know,

00:24:44when am I gonna

00:24:45learn my lesson?

00:24:46You know,

00:24:46I just can't say

00:24:47no to people.

00:24:48Oh,

00:24:49yeah,

00:24:49clearly that's your problem.

00:24:51You're too accommodating.

00:24:53What is it

00:24:54with women?

00:24:54Why do they have

00:24:55to take a beautiful,

00:24:56sexy thing like dating

00:24:57and then just suck

00:24:58all the fun out of it?

00:24:59They're practicing

00:25:00for marriage.

00:25:12Stop it!

00:25:15Why do women

00:25:15always have to scream

00:25:16when they're surprised?

00:25:17Can't you just clutch

00:25:18your heart

00:25:18and drop dead

00:25:19like a man?

00:25:20Sorry,

00:25:21I bothered you.

00:25:22Wait,

00:25:22wait.

00:25:23I don't want

00:25:23to be insensitive.

00:25:24You're not dying,

00:25:25are you?

00:25:27No.

00:25:27Great,

00:25:28then take a high.

00:25:30John.

00:25:32What?

00:25:32I just used

00:25:34my cat

00:25:34to get rid

00:25:34of a girlfriend.

00:25:36Was I wrong?

00:25:38You got a cat

00:25:39that gets rid

00:25:39of people?

00:25:42Can I borrow it?

00:25:44You can fix

00:25:45the light.

00:25:47May I?

00:25:48Thank you

00:25:49so very

00:25:50freaking much.

00:25:52Like,

00:25:53I'm needing this.

00:25:54Back home in Russia,

00:25:55I was leading economist.

00:25:56Yeah,

00:25:57right.

00:25:58That explains

00:25:59why they're doing

00:25:59so well over there.

00:26:02See,

00:26:02he don't want

00:26:02to talk about it either.

00:26:04You don't want

00:26:04to talk about it

00:26:05because you're afraid

00:26:05he's going to tell you

00:26:06your guys aren't

00:26:07getting there.

00:26:08Oh,

00:26:08my guys are

00:26:09getting there.

00:26:10Maybe they don't

00:26:11like what they see

00:26:12and they turn around.

00:26:13You're a pig.

00:26:14And you married a pig,

00:26:15so who's stupid?

00:26:15Hey,

00:26:16shut up,

00:26:16both of you.

00:26:17You want my diagnosis?

00:26:18Here it is,

00:26:19free of charge.

00:26:20You can't have kids.

00:26:22Oh,

00:26:23my God.

00:26:24No,

00:26:24I mean,

00:26:24you can't have kids

00:26:25as in you shouldn't

00:26:26have kids.

00:26:28You don't need

00:26:28a fertility counselor,

00:26:30you need a marriage counselor.

00:26:31Medically,

00:26:32you're probably fine,

00:26:33but until you learn

00:26:34how to deal with each other,

00:26:35you shouldn't have a kid.

00:26:37Hell,

00:26:37you shouldn't even

00:26:38have a goldfish.

00:26:39Now,

00:26:39go away.

00:26:41Well,

00:26:42medicine isn't always

00:26:43the best medicine.

00:26:45You know something?

00:26:47That's not a bad title

00:26:48for my article.

00:26:50That could be

00:26:50the hook that I need.

00:26:53Yeah.

00:26:56Being a doctor

00:26:57is not just

00:26:59about tests

00:27:01and symptoms,

00:27:03but sometimes

00:27:04sensing

00:27:05another person's

00:27:06unique emotional needs.

00:27:09Hey,

00:27:09John,

00:27:10my girlfriend

00:27:10just broke up with me.

00:27:11You got a second to talk?

00:27:12Buzz off.

00:27:13I'm trying to write here.

00:27:16Oh,

00:27:17geez,

00:27:17get a room,

00:27:18will you?

00:27:18Jake,

00:27:19you be...

00:27:20Oh,

00:27:20come on.

00:27:21It's supposed to be

00:27:21a civilized society.

00:27:23It's not France,

00:27:23for God's sake.

00:27:26Let me guess,

00:27:26that's your version

00:27:27of Happy Valentine's Day?

00:27:30It's Valentine's Day?

00:27:31Oh,

00:27:31crap.

00:27:34Valentine's Day.

00:27:34It's the

00:27:35shallowest,

00:27:36greediest exploitation

00:27:37of emotion

00:27:37since my second marriage.

00:27:39It's not even

00:27:39a real holiday.

00:27:40You know that,

00:27:41don't you?

00:27:41It was created

00:27:42by an evil cartel

00:27:43of florists,

00:27:44candy manufacturers,

00:27:45and champagne makers.

00:27:47If you ask me,

00:27:48the government

00:27:48should stop

00:27:49pounding Microsoft

00:27:49and get the damn

00:27:50greeting card companies

00:27:51off our backs.

00:27:54What is it?

00:27:55What's wrong?

00:27:55The bitch stabbed me

00:27:56with a fork.

00:27:57You deserve it.

00:27:57You're an animal.

00:27:59You couldn't have

00:28:00stabbed him at home

00:28:01like decent people?

00:28:02He slept with my sister.

00:28:03I should have

00:28:04cut his thing off.

00:28:05Hold still.

00:28:05This might hurt a little.

00:28:07Ow!

00:28:08A little?

00:28:09Yeah,

00:28:09just press down on that

00:28:11right there,

00:28:11will you?

00:28:11I hope it hurts.

00:28:12Let me have a towel,

00:28:13will you, Reggie, please?

00:28:14Anything else?

00:28:15Yeah,

00:28:15I'm still waiting

00:28:16on my coffee.

00:28:18Wow, Becker.

00:28:19I've never seen you

00:28:20actually be a doctor

00:28:21before.

00:28:21That looks really cool.

00:28:25What?

00:28:26My coffee?

00:28:29Hey,

00:28:29if you're gonna pee

00:28:30on my car,

00:28:31at least pee

00:28:31on the dusty parts.

00:28:34Happy Valentine's Day,

00:28:35Dr. Becker.

00:28:36No, no, no,

00:28:36I don't do

00:28:37Valentine's Day.

00:28:38I just spent the morning

00:28:39breaking up a fight

00:28:40between two psycho lovebirds,

00:28:42missed my breakfast,

00:28:43and ruined

00:28:44a perfectly good shirt.

00:28:46Ooh, you mean

00:28:47the bloodstain?

00:28:48No,

00:28:49this annoying

00:28:50row of buttons.

00:28:52I hate this.

00:28:53You know,

00:28:53today's secret admirer

00:28:56is tomorrow's stalker,

00:28:57you know?

00:28:58Next thing you know,

00:28:58I'll be in some

00:28:59abandoned warehouse

00:29:00lying unconscious

00:29:01and nude

00:29:02in the middle

00:29:02of a pentagram.

00:29:04You think

00:29:05I'm special,

00:29:07you're special.

00:29:10Oh,

00:29:11I gotta go,

00:29:11Raul.

00:29:12Hi.

00:29:14Raul and I

00:29:14hit a rough patch,

00:29:15but we worked through it

00:29:16and now we're

00:29:16in an even better place.

00:29:18I'd ask,

00:29:19who's Raul,

00:29:20but then you might

00:29:21tell me.

00:29:21Well,

00:29:22allergies can pop up

00:29:23at any time,

00:29:24kind of like

00:29:25holidays.

00:29:26You know,

00:29:26it's like this weird

00:29:28emotional obstacle course.

00:29:29No sooner do you get past

00:29:30the rotating blades

00:29:32of Thanksgiving

00:29:33that you gotta duck

00:29:34under the live ammo

00:29:35of Christmas and New Year's.

00:29:37And then when you think

00:29:37you're home free,

00:29:38bam,

00:29:39you get attacked

00:29:39by some little

00:29:41Cupid bastard.

00:29:42I mean,

00:29:42you know,

00:29:42whoever gave a baby

00:29:43a bow and arrow anyway.

00:29:45Of all the things

00:29:46to be allergic to

00:29:47on Valentine's Day,

00:29:48roses, huh?

00:29:49With my luck,

00:29:50I'll go on my honeymoon

00:29:51and find out

00:29:52I'm allergic to sex.

00:29:54Well,

00:29:54that's why hotel rooms

00:29:56have mini bars.

00:29:58All right,

00:29:59I have a date.

00:30:00This guy I know

00:30:01called and,

00:30:02well,

00:30:03I just didn't want

00:30:04to sit at home tonight

00:30:05like some lonely,

00:30:06pathetic loser.

00:30:07No offense.

00:30:09None taken.

00:30:10I just hope

00:30:11that when you

00:30:12and your Valentine

00:30:12are toasting each other

00:30:14with champagne,

00:30:15the bitter taint

00:30:16of betrayal

00:30:17will linger

00:30:18on your liar's lips.

00:30:22Where did you

00:30:23come up with that?

00:30:26Printed on

00:30:26my alimony checks.

00:30:28I'll be there soon

00:30:29to give you

00:30:30a big Valentine's Day kiss.

00:30:32Bye.

00:30:34Wrong number?

00:30:36Now,

00:30:36if you two

00:30:36will excuse me,

00:30:37I need to go

00:30:38clear my head.

00:30:43That shouldn't

00:30:44take too long.

00:30:47I know,

00:30:47I should have just

00:30:48stayed away

00:30:48from the roses,

00:30:49but you know...

00:30:50I know.

00:30:51It's Valentine's Day,

00:30:52I swear.

00:30:53You know,

00:30:54the only person

00:30:54who ever celebrated

00:30:55this day right

00:30:56was Al Capone.

00:30:59You know,

00:30:59I've seen more lives

00:31:00turned upside down

00:31:01today by this

00:31:02phony holiday.

00:31:03You know,

00:31:03it takes love

00:31:04and it just turns it

00:31:05into a pain-in-the-ass

00:31:06obligation.

00:31:07If we're not careful,

00:31:08the phrase,

00:31:09I love you,

00:31:09is gonna turn into

00:31:10something as meaningless

00:31:11as, you know,

00:31:12have a nice day,

00:31:12checks in the mail.

00:31:13I promise,

00:31:14I won't stab you

00:31:15with a fork.

00:31:17Herman?

00:31:18Herman,

00:31:19is that you?

00:31:21Excuse me?

00:31:22Herman,

00:31:23it's me,

00:31:24Tilly.

00:31:26I knew you'd come

00:31:27see me on

00:31:28Valentine's Day.

00:31:30Yeah.

00:31:30I'm sorry,

00:31:31but I'm not...

00:31:32Come closer,

00:31:33please.

00:31:35Now,

00:31:36don't...

00:31:37that's enough,

00:31:37that's enough singing.

00:31:38That's enough.

00:31:39I think it's exciting

00:31:40you too much.

00:31:42Why don't you

00:31:43just go back to sleep?

00:31:44I love you.

00:31:47Super,

00:31:48super.

00:31:49Um...

00:31:50Say it.

00:31:52Tell me you love me too.

00:32:01I love you.

00:32:04That's nice.

00:32:06Now,

00:32:07give me a kiss

00:32:08goodnight.

00:32:10Oh,

00:32:10crap.

00:32:12So,

00:32:13where were we?

00:32:14You were talking,

00:32:15as usual,

00:32:16and I was just saying

00:32:17you're an idiot.

00:32:18As usual?

00:32:19I was merely stating

00:32:21that in my opinion,

00:32:22midgets are bad luck.

00:32:23Wait, wait, wait.

00:32:25John,

00:32:26they prefer to be

00:32:26called little people.

00:32:27And I know this

00:32:28because I called

00:32:28one a midget once,

00:32:29jumped up and hit me.

00:32:31Trust me,

00:32:31he did not jump

00:32:32high enough.

00:32:34Now,

00:32:34see?

00:32:35And I never said

00:32:36that little people

00:32:37are not fine,

00:32:38respected citizens.

00:32:39Just that

00:32:39whenever I'm near one,

00:32:41I have bad luck.

00:32:43That's ridiculous.

00:32:45Well,

00:32:45John,

00:32:46I guess you better

00:32:47tell her.

00:32:48Okay.

00:32:48I once ate

00:32:49a food sample

00:32:50given to me

00:32:51by a three-foot-tall

00:32:52man dressed

00:32:53as a fish stick.

00:32:56Pomain

00:32:56poisoning.

00:32:57Another time,

00:32:58I was stopped

00:32:58at a red light,

00:32:59a midget walks

00:33:00in front of me,

00:33:00I was rear-ended

00:33:01by a bus.

00:33:03And a few years ago,

00:33:05I passed one

00:33:05on my way

00:33:06up to my apartment,

00:33:07and I walked in

00:33:07and found my wife

00:33:08in bed with another man.

00:33:10As for whether or not

00:33:11he was a little person,

00:33:12you'd have to ask her.

00:33:16You heard enough?

00:33:17Months ago.

00:33:19Well,

00:33:20I'm out of here.

00:33:21Jake,

00:33:22good to see you.

00:33:22All right.

00:33:24Say,

00:33:24Reg,

00:33:24what you doing

00:33:25with your hair there

00:33:26on the side?

00:33:27Doesn't really work.

00:33:30So,

00:33:30Doc,

00:33:31you know,

00:33:31my throat hurts

00:33:31like it's on fire,

00:33:32you know what I'm saying?

00:33:33Feels like I'm

00:33:34swallowing glass,

00:33:34you know what I'm saying?

00:33:35Yes.

00:33:35It's like a pain,

00:33:36you know what I'm saying?

00:33:37It starts in my throat

00:33:38and comes all the way

00:33:38up into my ears,

00:33:39you know what I'm saying?

00:33:40Yeah.

00:33:40It gets real bad,

00:33:41you know what I'm saying?

00:33:42Yes,

00:33:42I know what you're saying.

00:33:44When I don't know

00:33:45what you're saying,

00:33:45I'll say,

00:33:46what are you saying?

00:33:47Until then,

00:33:48here's the deal.

00:33:49I give you these pills,

00:33:51pain goes away.

00:33:53You ask me one more time

00:33:54if I know what you're saying,

00:33:56I'll let your head explode.

00:33:58Know what I'm saying?

00:33:59Yeah.

00:34:01Thought you'd mind.

00:34:02Now,

00:34:02Hector,

00:34:02turn your hat around,

00:34:03you couldn't possibly

00:34:04be as stupid

00:34:04as that makes you look.

00:34:07See you next week,

00:34:08folks.

00:34:10Have a nice day.

00:34:15Oh,

00:34:16it's you.

00:34:16Hi.

00:34:17I was in the neighborhood

00:34:18when I dropped by.

00:34:20That explains the midget.

00:34:22What?

00:34:23Hi,

00:34:24Fred Becker,

00:34:25Johnny's dad.

00:34:25Who?

00:34:27Mr. Politeria's here

00:34:29about hemorrhoids

00:34:30and Mrs. Eichler

00:34:31has some kind of fungus.

00:34:33Oh,

00:34:33and Jimmy Diaz

00:34:34just came in

00:34:34with what he described

00:34:35as awesome jockage.

00:34:39So no matter who I see,

00:34:40I'm looking at something

00:34:41disgusting.

00:34:43Damn midget.

00:34:45Walter Jackson

00:34:46is in one.

00:34:47Oh,

00:34:48what is it this time?

00:34:49He was having lunch

00:34:50and cut his hand

00:34:51on the side

00:34:51of the dumpster.

00:34:54Now,

00:34:54do me a favor.

00:34:55Go outside

00:34:55and turn off

00:34:56the nut magnet.

00:34:57I've had my fill

00:34:58for one day.

00:35:02Hey,

00:35:03Walter.

00:35:04I don't care

00:35:04what you say.

00:35:05I am not taking

00:35:06my clothes off.

00:35:08Then we have a deal

00:35:09because I'm not

00:35:10taking mine off either.

00:35:13Look,

00:35:13I know I'm not

00:35:14your doctor,

00:35:15but we're kind of friends,

00:35:16so whatever it is,

00:35:18let's talk about it.

00:35:19It's about your father.

00:35:20No,

00:35:20I don't want

00:35:20to talk about it.

00:35:23Getting along

00:35:24with people

00:35:25is something

00:35:26I'm trying

00:35:27to work on.

00:35:29Hey,

00:35:29foreign guys,

00:35:30shut the hell up!

00:35:35Kind of a work

00:35:36in progress.

00:35:37This is fine,

00:35:38we'll just have

00:35:39your husband

00:35:39call Dr. Tobin.

00:35:41He's an excellent

00:35:42urologist.

00:35:42If there's anything

00:35:43wrong,

00:35:43I'm sure he'll find it.

00:35:45I certainly hope so.

00:35:46I've done everything

00:35:47I can do

00:35:47to turn Marvin on.

00:35:50Dirty talk,

00:35:51sexy under things,

00:35:53toys.

00:35:53Hey, hey, hey,

00:35:54Mrs. Fine.

00:35:55Mental images,

00:35:57mental image.

00:35:59Hi, doctor.

00:36:00A woman comes in

00:36:01with an ingrown toenail,

00:36:02next thing I know

00:36:03she's giving me

00:36:04the intimate details

00:36:05of her sex life,

00:36:06like her toenail

00:36:07wasn't disgusting enough.

00:36:10So I'm in traffic,

00:36:11right?

00:36:12That moron

00:36:13is sitting in a car

00:36:14in front of me

00:36:14with his finger

00:36:15jammed up his nose.

00:36:16The light turns green,

00:36:18he doesn't move.

00:36:19Like it's too complicated

00:36:20for him to work

00:36:21his foot and his finger

00:36:22at the same time.

00:36:24Coffee to go, please?

00:36:25Oh, hell,

00:36:26is that damn meter, man?

00:36:28Hey, grandma,

00:36:29get the hell away

00:36:29from my car!

00:36:31Hey, why aren't you

00:36:32out stealing ketchup packets

00:36:34like normal old women?

00:36:37Oh, jeez.

00:36:38What are you two

00:36:38doing here?

00:36:39Oh, relax.

00:36:40We're not staying.

00:36:40We were on our way

00:36:41to the train

00:36:42and it started to pour.

00:36:44The only reason

00:36:44I come here

00:36:45is no one else does.

00:36:48If you guys

00:36:49are going to start coming,

00:36:50I'm going to have

00:36:50to find a new place.

00:36:53Now, Margaret,

00:36:54don't start.

00:36:55Look, God

00:36:56is a concept

00:36:57of man.

00:36:59Look, I don't have

00:37:00anything against religion.

00:37:02Saints, Wayne.

00:37:03Yeah, you're right.

00:37:04I do.

00:37:04You want to know

00:37:05what's wrong with religion?

00:37:06No.

00:37:07Religion is supposed

00:37:10to be about people

00:37:12being nice to each other,

00:37:13but frankly,

00:37:14I don't see a lot of that.

00:37:15You know, what I do see

00:37:16is I see a lot of people

00:37:17using the good book

00:37:19to say that they're

00:37:20morally superior.

00:37:21I see people

00:37:22building TV stations

00:37:23to build grandma

00:37:25out of her pension checks

00:37:26all in the name of God.

00:37:27You know, how about

00:37:28all those God-fearing people

00:37:29who are killing

00:37:30other God-fearing people

00:37:32because they don't fear

00:37:32God the same way?

00:37:34I believe in science.

00:37:35That's what I believe in.

00:37:37You know, you open up

00:37:37any medical book

00:37:38and read about

00:37:39how the fibers

00:37:40of the iris

00:37:41contract and expand

00:37:43in response to light

00:37:44or how embryonic cells,

00:37:46you know, divide

00:37:47and re-divide

00:37:47until they form

00:37:48a human being.

00:37:49I mean, what about

00:37:50the human heart?

00:37:51I got a patient

00:37:52in the hospital,

00:37:53a 78-year-old,

00:37:54who by all rights

00:37:55should be dead,

00:37:56and that amazing machine

00:37:57keeps on pumping.

00:38:00That's what I believe in.

00:38:02You guys can believe

00:38:03anything you want,

00:38:04but as far as I'm concerned,

00:38:05there is no Larry.

00:38:10What do you have

00:38:10to say now, Becker?

00:38:13If I was really God,

00:38:15would he have missed me?

00:38:18Reg, how can you

00:38:19buy into this?

00:38:20This one-size-fits-all

00:38:21crap psychology.

00:38:22I mean, are people

00:38:23so intellectually bankrupt

00:38:24they have to glom

00:38:25onto every snake oil salesman

00:38:27that comes along

00:38:28with the latest instant cure

00:38:29for human misery?

00:38:30I mean, am I right?

00:38:32It's not exactly

00:38:33my dream come true

00:38:35to be liked

00:38:35for being pathetic.

00:38:37You're saying

00:38:38that you can only

00:38:40like me

00:38:40if I hit bottom,

00:38:42that you can only

00:38:43connect to someone

00:38:44if they're

00:38:45really low.

00:38:46I mean,

00:38:47is that what you've

00:38:48been waiting for?

00:38:50God's sake, Reg,

00:38:52what does that say

00:38:52about you?

00:38:53It's not going to work,

00:38:54Becker.

00:38:55I still like you.

00:38:59Putting on a little

00:39:00weight there,

00:39:01aren't you, Reg?

00:39:01That'll do it.

00:39:14Easy, John.

00:39:15Just let it go.

00:39:16Be patient.

00:39:18Excuse me.

00:39:19I thought it was

00:39:20so much for patience.

00:39:21Excuse me.

00:39:23Does that have

00:39:23an off switch?

00:39:26What, the baby?

00:39:27Oh, after a while

00:39:28you get used to it.

00:39:29He's just a little cranky.

00:39:30Yeah, well, so am I.

00:39:33Maybe he's trying

00:39:33to tell you to show

00:39:34the rest of us

00:39:35a little consideration

00:39:36and take them home.

00:39:37Hey, this is a public place.

00:39:39I have every right

00:39:39to bring my baby here.

00:39:41Yeah, well,

00:39:41I have every right

00:39:42to bring a jackhammer

00:39:43in here,

00:39:44but I don't

00:39:44out of courtesy.

00:39:45Look, you know,

00:39:46that may be music

00:39:47to your ears,

00:39:48but the rest of the world

00:39:48is about as soothing

00:39:49as a garbage disposal

00:39:50with a fork in it.

00:39:52I don't have

00:39:53to put up with this.

00:39:57Good plan.

00:39:57Teach them to hate you

00:39:58when they're little.

00:40:00Saves time later on.

00:40:02I don't have anything

00:40:03against babies.

00:40:04Hell, I deliver them

00:40:05all the time.

00:40:06But then, unfortunately,

00:40:06I gotta turn them over

00:40:07to stupid parents

00:40:08who don't understand

00:40:09the simple concept

00:40:10of giving their kids

00:40:11limits and boundaries.

00:40:13You know,

00:40:13parents are too permissive.

00:40:15Today, she lets the kid cry.

00:40:16Ten years from now,

00:40:17he's shaking down

00:40:18his classmates

00:40:18for milk money.

00:40:20Next thing you know,

00:40:21he's got a gun

00:40:22in my back at an ATM.

00:40:24Well, maybe he's got

00:40:24a gun at your back

00:40:25because he remembered

00:40:26how you yelled at him

00:40:26when he was a baby.

00:40:28All I'm saying is

00:40:29kids are more out

00:40:30of control now

00:40:30than they ever have been.

00:40:32I mean, take today,

00:40:33for example.

00:40:33The kids are crawling

00:40:34around the neighborhood

00:40:35like cockroaches.

00:40:36Why aren't they in school?

00:40:37School's closed.

00:40:37Some sort of

00:40:38teacher's conference.

00:40:39So they let them

00:40:39just hang out

00:40:40on the street?

00:40:40Why don't they teach them

00:40:41how to fill their free time

00:40:42like kids in other countries do?

00:40:44Making sneakers

00:40:45for a dollar a day.

00:40:48But what kind of idiot

00:40:49meets a guy in a bar

00:40:50two minutes later,

00:40:51tattoos his name on her ass?

00:40:53So what about my wrist?

00:40:54Yeah, so I'm gonna

00:40:55take care of it right now.

00:40:56Send this to Sherry.

00:40:56Put your hand right here.

00:40:58What are you gonna do?

00:40:59I'm gonna hit you

00:41:00with this foot.

00:41:00The hell you are!

00:41:03Look, it's an old remedy,

00:41:04but it works.

00:41:05Now just put your hand

00:41:06right here.

00:41:07On three, okay?

00:41:08Okay.

00:41:08One.

00:41:09Ow!

00:41:09You son of a...

00:41:14Oh, hey.

00:41:15What do you know?

00:41:16Yeah.

00:41:16This guy.

00:41:17Of course it is.

00:41:18I've been telling you

00:41:18for years.

00:41:19I'm a brilliant doctor.

00:41:20All you did was

00:41:21hit me with a buck.

00:41:21Yeah, but now

00:41:22I'm gonna charge you for it.

00:41:24See how brilliant I am?

00:41:27Okay.

00:41:28Here we go.

00:41:29Let's eat.

00:41:31Aren't we gonna say grace?

00:41:33Yeah, we have to say grace.

00:41:34Uh, actually,

00:41:35no, we don't.

00:41:36This is Chinese food.

00:41:38They don't say grace in China.

00:41:41Why not?

00:41:42Because if you do,

00:41:43they run you over the tank.

00:41:44Now just eat.

00:41:46Now you see,

00:41:47that's what's wrong

00:41:47with the world.

00:41:48Everybody says

00:41:49everybody does it,

00:41:50so everybody doesn't.

00:41:51Well, not everybody does it

00:41:52because I don't.

00:41:54New rule, Bob.

00:41:55From now on,

00:41:56you must be this tall

00:41:57to talk to me.

00:41:58You got that?

00:42:00Don't you ever stop

00:42:00and think what you're

00:42:01about to say

00:42:02before you start talking.

00:42:03I swear,

00:42:04you could stick your hand

00:42:05into a puddle of swamp water

00:42:07and still come up

00:42:08with a higher form of life

00:42:09than your average

00:42:10electronic store salesman.

00:42:11I have been to

00:42:13every discount store

00:42:14in this city

00:42:15looking for a computer

00:42:16for the lousy

00:42:17400 bucks

00:42:18insurance company gave me.

00:42:19I've been to

00:42:20Crazy Ackmans,

00:42:21Crazy Itzaks,

00:42:22Crazy Pablo.

00:42:23You know,

00:42:24if you're insane

00:42:24and you went through

00:42:25Ellis Island,

00:42:26I've been in your store today.

00:42:28Margaret,

00:42:29Linda had this out front

00:42:30and before she performs

00:42:31a hysterectomy

00:42:32on Mr. Ross,

00:42:33I think we need

00:42:34some new rules around here.

00:42:35Whatever's in my office

00:42:36stays in my office.

00:42:38My office,

00:42:39my stuff.

00:42:40Hey, Linda.

00:42:41Nice work.

00:42:42Yeah,

00:42:43I got a patient

00:42:43coming in a little while

00:42:44with cirrhosis of the liver.

00:42:46Maybe you could have

00:42:46a margarita waiting for him.

00:42:48Yeah.

00:42:49I spoke to the travel agent.

00:42:51What do you think

00:42:52about a cruise?

00:42:53Oh, great idea.

00:42:54A bunch of people

00:42:55I don't know

00:42:55doing things I can't stand

00:42:57in a place

00:42:57I can't escape from.

00:43:00Excuse me?

00:43:00You doctors and your tests

00:43:02have anything to run up a tab.

00:43:03It's just a couple

00:43:04of fainting spells.

00:43:05I see.

00:43:05What tests you suggest

00:43:06we cancel?

00:43:07What are you talking about?

00:43:08How should I know?

00:43:09Well, here's an idea.

00:43:10Why don't we consult

00:43:11a doctor?

00:43:12Oh, lucky for you.

00:43:13We have one right here.

00:43:14All right.

00:43:15Let's see now.

00:43:15Well, the fainting spells

00:43:16could mean that you're

00:43:17having episodes

00:43:18of heart block.

00:43:19If we miss that,

00:43:20you could die.

00:43:21Or maybe the fainting

00:43:23is because of seizures

00:43:24and if we don't get you

00:43:25on the right medicine,

00:43:26you could, uh,

00:43:27shoot now.

00:43:27What's that word

00:43:28I'm looking for?

00:43:29Oh, yeah.

00:43:29Die.

00:43:31You sensing a pattern here?

00:43:32Yeah, I'll tell you what.

00:43:34You're so smart.

00:43:35Why don't you just look

00:43:35at your own chart there

00:43:36and tell Margaret

00:43:37which test you'd like to take.

00:43:40Between Mrs. Kramer's cataracts

00:43:42and Mr. Santiago's arthritis,

00:43:44I suppose I could fit

00:43:45in a grooming

00:43:46and the occasional flea dip.

00:43:49Actually, you know,

00:43:50some of our patients

00:43:52could use a good flea dip.

00:43:55Dr. Becker?

00:43:56Yeah?

00:43:56Harvey Cohen.

00:43:57Yeah, so what's the story?

00:43:59Well, near as I can see,

00:44:01you've got a sick cat.

00:44:02Well, slow down.

00:44:03You know, give it to me

00:44:04in layman's terms.

00:44:06By the way,

00:44:06what's the cat's name?

00:44:07It doesn't have a name.

00:44:09You must love him very much.

00:44:12Fine.

00:44:13Put down Harvey Cohen.

00:44:15You're naming the cat after me?

00:44:16Why not?

00:44:17It would be easy for you

00:44:18to give up on a muffin

00:44:19or mittens,

00:44:20but you might have to think twice

00:44:22before you pull the plug

00:44:23on Harvey Cohen.

00:44:25Doc?

00:44:26Dork.

00:44:29Margaret,

00:44:30I looked at all these

00:44:31travel folders you've got

00:44:32for me.

00:44:32You know,

00:44:33what were you thinking?

00:44:34I mean, you know,

00:44:35too hot,

00:44:36too cold,

00:44:37too far,

00:44:38too stupid.

00:44:40Mexico?

00:44:41I mean,

00:44:41what's the point?

00:44:42A few weeks,

00:44:43they'll all be up here.

00:44:45I can't find Harvey Cohen

00:44:46anywhere.

00:44:47Yeah, he's probably

00:44:48off relaxing somewhere

00:44:49after a very taxing

00:44:51day of sleeping.

00:44:52Oh, great.

00:44:53All that money,

00:44:54and he just takes off.

00:44:56It's like a four-legged

00:44:57version of my ex-wife.

00:45:02I know,

00:45:03I know,

00:45:03I'm late.

00:45:04Who's up?

00:45:05Uh,

00:45:06John,

00:45:06why do you have...

00:45:07Come on,

00:45:07come on,

00:45:08who's up?

00:45:08Come on.

00:45:09Uh,

00:45:10John!

00:45:11It ain't my quarter.

00:45:13It shouldn't have done that.

00:45:15Mr. Gordon,

00:45:17what's new?

00:45:18I want an AIDS test.

00:45:22Let's go back

00:45:23to what's new.

00:45:25You see, doctor,

00:45:27I started dating

00:45:28a younger woman.

00:45:29She's 65.

00:45:32Your parents

00:45:33are okay with that?

00:45:34Let me ask you something.

00:45:37When was the last time

00:45:39you had sex?

00:45:401986.

00:45:42Well,

00:45:43that's what we

00:45:43in the medical profession

00:45:44call a very long time.

00:45:47You don't need this test.

00:45:49But I read the papers.

00:45:51I want to be safe

00:45:52and responsible.

00:45:53If you're any safer,

00:45:54you'd be in different cities.

00:46:01What's with the toothpick?

00:46:02You know,

00:46:02what are you,

00:46:03Neil Armstrong

00:46:04claiming this burger

00:46:05for all mankind?

00:46:07It's a garnish.

00:46:09Sue me.

00:46:09I'm trying to give

00:46:09the place a lift.

00:46:10Well,

00:46:11if that's what you're after,

00:46:12why don't you try

00:46:12scraping the grime

00:46:14off the walls

00:46:14and emptying the dead bugs

00:46:16out of the light fixtures?

00:46:17I like it.

00:46:19Like it?

00:46:19You can't even see it.

00:46:21You know,

00:46:21you didn't think of that,

00:46:22did you, Reg?

00:46:23I mean,

00:46:23Jake here

00:46:24could put his eye out

00:46:24with one of these things,

00:46:25all right?

00:46:27You're afraid

00:46:27of an accountant?

00:46:28You are a pansy.

00:46:31Yeah,

00:46:32shut up,

00:46:32will you?

00:46:33The guy's also my cousin.

00:46:34He's a real pain in the ass.

00:46:35Hi, Barry.

00:46:36Hey,

00:46:37this is great.

00:46:38You know,

00:46:38now I got to drive

00:46:39all the way out

00:46:39to New Jersey

00:46:40in the middle of rush hour.

00:46:41Yeah,

00:46:41I barely know the guy.

00:46:43The only thing

00:46:43we have in common

00:46:44is a hundred years ago,

00:46:45my great-grandpa

00:46:46knocked up

00:46:47his great-grandma.

00:46:49Hey,

00:46:49how many times

00:46:50I got to tell you,

00:46:50you kill pain

00:46:51with liquor,

00:46:52you ease stress

00:46:53with cigarettes?

00:46:55You know,

00:46:55you don't have to be

00:46:56a doctor to know

00:46:56this stuff, Reg.

00:46:58Am I right, John?

00:47:01I'm sorry,

00:47:01I wasn't listening.

00:47:03Oh, John,

00:47:04you want to see

00:47:04pictures of the kids?

00:47:05God, no.

00:47:06I mean,

00:47:08God, not again.

00:47:10Am I right, John?

00:47:11Who cares?

00:47:12You know,

00:47:13there's a kind of insanity

00:47:14back in the city

00:47:15that I understand,

00:47:16but you two,

00:47:16you've taken crazy

00:47:17to a whole new level.

00:47:18I mean,

00:47:19this is why

00:47:19I hate coming to New Jersey.

00:47:21As far as I'm concerned,

00:47:22they should tear down

00:47:22the bridge

00:47:23and block both the tunnels.

00:47:26A little tip.

00:47:27No matter how much

00:47:28someone begs you,

00:47:29never, ever get involved

00:47:30with family.

00:47:31Just bites you in the ass.

00:47:32What happened?

00:47:33I got involved with family

00:47:34and it bit me in the ass.

00:47:35Pay attention, will you?

00:47:37It's only been one night

00:47:38and his mood swings

00:47:39are driving me crazy.

00:47:41You know,

00:47:41if he's not pacing around

00:47:42speed-loading Oreos,

00:47:44he's curled up

00:47:45in a fetal position

00:47:46moaning about

00:47:47how no one

00:47:47will ever love him again.

00:47:48I swear,

00:47:49you know,

00:47:49if I wanted to live

00:47:50with a chick,

00:47:50I'd get married again.

00:47:52Well,

00:47:53what people want

00:47:54from their sex

00:47:55is pretty much

00:47:55what they want

00:47:56from their clothes.

00:47:57You know,

00:47:57better quality

00:47:58and more attention

00:47:59to detail.

00:48:01Barry,

00:48:02uh,

00:48:04let me say something

00:48:05to you here.

00:48:07You're an incredible

00:48:08pain in the ass

00:48:09and you're driving

00:48:09everybody crazy.

00:48:10Go home.

00:48:12Married guys have affairs

00:48:13for plenty of

00:48:14different reasons.

00:48:15They're bored,

00:48:16you know,

00:48:17they want to

00:48:17recapture their youth

00:48:18or sometimes

00:48:19it's just to see

00:48:20if we can get away

00:48:20with it.

00:48:22You are a very,

00:48:24very attractive woman.

00:48:26Oh,

00:48:26you're just being nice.

00:48:27No,

00:48:27you know me,

00:48:28I wouldn't do that.

00:48:30Oh,

00:48:30thank you.

00:48:32All right,

00:48:33well,

00:48:33yeah,

00:48:33that's better,

00:48:34huh?

00:48:34There you go,

00:48:35there you go.

00:48:37All right.

00:48:41Why are we still

00:48:42hugging?

00:48:44You're right.

00:48:45Hmm,

00:48:46no,

00:48:47I was just

00:48:48trying to cheer

00:48:49her up.

00:48:50Oh,

00:48:50so you didn't mean it

00:48:51when you said

00:48:52I was attractive?

00:48:52sure I didn't.

00:48:53You said she was

00:48:53attractive?

00:48:54Well,

00:48:54I didn't mean it.

00:48:56Oh,

00:48:57yeah,

00:48:57one more thing

00:48:58before I go,

00:48:58and I mean this

00:48:59from the bottom

00:49:00of my heart

00:49:00and I can say it

00:49:01because we're family,

00:49:02I don't like you

00:49:03two people

00:49:03and I don't care

00:49:04if we're related.

00:49:05I never want

00:49:05to see you again.

00:49:09Oh,

00:49:09crap.

00:49:12Barry,

00:49:12you got my keys

00:49:13in there.

00:49:15Barry.

00:49:17Oh,

00:49:18good Lord.

00:49:23Oh,

00:49:23well,

00:49:24what the hell.

00:49:26I've got two minutes.

00:49:30Bad news,

00:49:31Jimmy,

00:49:31you have a severe

00:49:32ulcer.

00:49:33You're going to have

00:49:34to make some serious

00:49:34changes in your diet.

00:49:36Well,

00:49:36I could still eat

00:49:37pizza,

00:49:37right?

00:49:39What,

00:49:39what,

00:49:39sausage?

00:49:40Yeah.

00:49:40Meatballs?

00:49:41Yeah.

00:49:41Little hot peppers?

00:49:42No,

00:49:43you got an ulcer,

00:49:44Jimmy,

00:49:44a crater,

00:49:45a huge hole

00:49:46in your stomach.

00:49:47You like musicals?

00:49:49Do I look like

00:49:50I like musicals?

00:49:52I know.

00:49:53The Beach Boys

00:49:54are coming to town.

00:49:54Oh,

00:49:55yeah,

00:49:55that's just what

00:49:55I want to see.

00:49:56Five California raisins

00:49:58singing about how

00:49:58great it is

00:49:59to be out of school.

00:50:01Now,

00:50:01for God's sake,

00:50:02when they ramp up

00:50:03to the stage,

00:50:03it's no longer

00:50:04for the equipment,

00:50:05it's over.

00:50:06Somebody ought to

00:50:07tell those guys

00:50:07it was fun,

00:50:08fun,

00:50:09but it's time

00:50:09for Daddy

00:50:10to take the T-Bird away.

00:50:13Why is it the handicapped

00:50:14never want any special

00:50:15attention

00:50:16until they need a ride?

00:50:17Oh,

00:50:18no,

00:50:18Reg,

00:50:19Reg,

00:50:19if you don't like

00:50:19baseball,

00:50:20it's because you

00:50:20don't understand it.

00:50:21It's a game of

00:50:23precision and power

00:50:24and speed.

00:50:25You know,

00:50:25hitting a ball

00:50:26that's traveling

00:50:2790 miles an hour

00:50:28with spin on it

00:50:29and throwing out

00:50:30a runner at home plate

00:50:31from deep right field

00:50:33on one hop.

00:50:34That's artistry.

00:50:35That's poetry.

00:50:36You know,

00:50:37throwing a,

00:50:38throwing a hot dog,

00:50:39a beer,

00:50:39and peeing in a trough,

00:50:41it's close to heaven.

00:50:44I just hope

00:50:44I make it back

00:50:45because I always

00:50:46get lost in Queens.

00:50:48And I'll definitely

00:50:49take you there.

00:50:51Oh,

00:50:52come on,

00:50:53come on.

00:50:54If you're going to

00:50:54drive that slow,

00:50:55you shouldn't even

00:50:55be on the road.

00:50:57John,

00:50:57it's a hearse.

00:51:00Just because it's

00:51:01too late for him

00:51:02doesn't mean he has

00:51:02to ruin it

00:51:03for the rest of us.

00:51:04Oh,

00:51:04thank you.

00:51:05Daylight.

00:51:08Just apologize,

00:51:09Becker,

00:51:09and let's get out of here.

00:51:11Apologize for what?

00:51:12It was your fault.

00:51:13That's not one

00:51:14of my witnesses.

00:51:16You believe this?

00:51:17I can't get anyone

00:51:18in this hospital

00:51:18to listen to me.

00:51:19The guy's got

00:51:19severe back pain

00:51:20and Doogie Howe's

00:51:21in there

00:51:22and says it's

00:51:22a muscle spazer.

00:51:24Thanks to you,

00:51:25my grandma

00:51:25will never speak

00:51:26to me again.

00:51:27Oh,

00:51:28come on.

00:51:28What is she,

00:51:2897?

00:51:29Just call her up

00:51:30and tell her

00:51:30you were there.

00:51:33Just when I thought

00:51:34TV couldn't get

00:51:35any dumber.

00:51:36I saw this show

00:51:37last night.

00:51:38I didn't catch the name,

00:51:39but they ought to

00:51:39just call it

00:51:40antique crap fest.

00:51:42Yeah,

00:51:42this yokel

00:51:43brings in

00:51:44this battered

00:51:44old spittoon

00:51:45and some genius

00:51:47tells him

00:51:47how much it's worth.

00:51:48That's it.

00:51:49That's the whole show.

00:51:51I can hardly wait

00:51:52for high-definition

00:51:53TV so I can see

00:51:55that with a sharper

00:51:56picture.

00:51:59Oh,

00:51:59hell.

00:52:00What's wrong?

00:52:02Oh,

00:52:02it's my wallet.

00:52:04Well,

00:52:04there's your lucky

00:52:05day for you.

00:52:06Ah,

00:52:07shoot.

00:52:08You know,

00:52:08not only was it

00:52:09perfectly molded

00:52:10to my butt,

00:52:11now I gotta,

00:52:12I gotta go get

00:52:13new credit cards,

00:52:15driver's license,

00:52:16and oh,

00:52:16you know that little

00:52:17card you get

00:52:18from the car wash?

00:52:19You get one free

00:52:20with every ten

00:52:21you have?

00:52:21I was up to eight.

00:52:24As long as I'm

00:52:24already suffering,

00:52:26I might as well

00:52:26let you cook me

00:52:27breakfast.

00:52:28Found this wallet

00:52:29outside.

00:52:30Any chance there's

00:52:30a John Becker

00:52:31in here?

00:52:32Yeah,

00:52:32whoa,

00:52:33sit down,

00:52:33sit down.

00:52:36Yeah,

00:52:36I'm John Becker,

00:52:37thank you very much.

00:52:38Whoa,

00:52:38hold on,

00:52:39pal,

00:52:39get back here.

00:52:41Whoa,

00:52:42the money's all here.

00:52:43What are you,

00:52:43an idiot?

00:52:45Your favorite patient

00:52:47is in room one.

00:52:48Ehrlich?

00:52:49Oh,

00:52:49man,

00:52:50there goes my lucky day,

00:52:52you know,

00:52:52I hate this guy.

00:52:53He's without doubt

00:52:54the neediest,

00:52:55whiniest,

00:52:56most boring patient

00:52:57I have.

00:52:58Every week he comes

00:52:58in here and he

00:52:59monopolizes my time

00:53:00with stupid questions.

00:53:01Why is it that

00:53:02the good patients

00:53:03always die

00:53:04and the pains

00:53:05in the ass

00:53:05just go on and on?

00:53:08Now I have to go

00:53:09to the post office?

00:53:10That's payback for you.

00:53:12Excuse me?

00:53:13Payback,

00:53:13it's how it works.

00:53:14Something good happens

00:53:15and something bad

00:53:16happens in return.

00:53:17Ehrlich leaves,

00:53:18now I have to go

00:53:19to the post office.

00:53:20I hate that place.

00:53:21The long lines,

00:53:22the incompetence,

00:53:23it's the worst place

00:53:24on earth.

00:53:24You can almost

00:53:25smell the despair.

00:53:40What am I,

00:53:41an idiot?

00:53:46Uh, my name's Becker.

00:53:47I got this little thingy here.

00:53:49Sorry, I'm on my break.

00:53:53Oh, yeah, that figures.

00:53:55As soon as I get up

00:53:56to the front wind...

00:53:57Hi.

00:53:58May I help you?

00:54:00You work here?

00:54:01Sure do.

00:54:03Well, uh, it's for a registered letter.

00:54:08Of course, I know what happens now.

00:54:09You're gonna tell me

00:54:10somehow you misplaced

00:54:11or you'll have to go in the back

00:54:12and look around for hours, right?

00:54:14Uh, no, it's right here.

00:54:17Are you guys under new management

00:54:19or something?

00:54:21You should relax, Dr. Becker.

00:54:23You're very tense.

00:54:24Yeah, look who's talking.

00:54:26Nobody ever said

00:54:27the guy went medical on me.

00:54:30Okay, you guys were going on

00:54:32about my lucky day this morning.

00:54:34Well, check this out.

00:54:35It's a letter from the IRS.

00:54:36Anyone want to call me crazy now?

00:54:39Imagine a big rubber band.

00:54:41Oh, the rubber band thing.

00:54:43Jake, you have a customer.

00:54:45Hang on.

00:54:45I'll be right there.

00:54:47Jake, there's no one there.

00:54:52John, why don't you just

00:54:53stick your leg out and trip me?

00:54:56This seems so much more artful.

00:54:59See, with every so-called lucky thing,

00:55:02the rubber band gets stretched

00:55:03a little bit more, see?

00:55:04No traffic, good parking space,

00:55:08my wallet was returned,

00:55:09my worst patient left town,

00:55:12the best experience

00:55:13in a post office I've ever had,

00:55:15that anyone's ever had,

00:55:18and then, whack!

00:55:21Letter from the IRS.

00:55:23I'm not making this stuff up, you know.

00:55:25It's been happening throughout history.

00:55:27Yeah, beautiful cruise ship, iceberg.

00:55:30Cinderella finally meets the prince.

00:55:32She loses her slipper.

00:55:34Wait, wait, wait.

00:55:34But didn't the prince use it to find her

00:55:36and then they lived happily ever after?

00:55:38Oh, come on, please.

00:55:38That's just the candy-ass version

00:55:40they give to the kids.

00:55:42What really happened is

00:55:43Cinderella goes back to live

00:55:45with her stepmother,

00:55:46who forces her into a life

00:55:47of prostitution,

00:55:48working the not-so-enchanted streets

00:55:51around the castle.

00:55:54Okay, just leave us a urine sample

00:55:56and you're out of here.

00:55:57Ah, well, I'll try,

00:55:58but I have to tell you,

00:55:59I'm not that good at performing in public.

00:56:02Well, not many people are.

00:56:04That's why we put that door up there.

00:56:07I mean, you call these guys

00:56:08and they never show up.

00:56:09Whatever happened to having pride in your work?

00:56:12Where's the professionalism?

00:56:13Any chance I'm gonna see the doctor today?

00:56:16Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:56:16Keep your pants on, will you?

00:56:19Oh, Mr. Messinger, I forgot about it.

00:56:21I'm sorry, I can't do it.

00:56:23I just, I can't.

00:56:24Well, don't worry about it.

00:56:25Just go on home

00:56:26and bring it back in the morning.

00:56:27Well, I can do that?

00:56:28Sure, it's our home peeing option.

00:56:30Oh, great.

00:56:32Should I bring it back in this?

00:56:33No, no, fax it to me.

00:56:37Look at what I found in the storeroom.

00:56:38A TV guide from 1986.

00:56:40I love the crossword puzzle.

00:56:42They're so easy.

00:56:44Oh, look at this.

00:56:45Action show, the blank team.

00:56:49Hmm.

00:56:50If I remember correctly,

00:56:51that would be the mind-numbing pablum

00:56:53to keep the masses

00:56:54from doing anything interesting

00:56:56with their lives, team.

00:56:59Oh, now, don't, don't start with me, Red.

00:57:01It just means that the rubber band

00:57:03hadn't been stretched far enough yet.

00:57:05That's all.

00:57:06Oh, boy, am I gonna get it.

00:57:09I'm gonna make things better.

00:57:10No pen, no punishment.

00:57:11Oh, come on.

00:57:12Don't you think they see through that?

00:57:15Who's they?

00:57:16Them.

00:57:16They.

00:57:17They're the powers

00:57:17that make all the bad things happen.

00:57:20Oh, yeah.

00:57:21The rubber band people.

00:57:25Okay.

00:57:26I'm throwing

00:57:27the pen

00:57:29away.

00:57:31Oh, it doesn't work that way.

00:57:33I mean, I got the pen.

00:57:34It's already on the list.

00:57:37Only you could take

00:57:38an entire day of good fortune

00:57:39and turn it into

00:57:40a diabolical plot.

00:57:42Do you know how egotistical it is

00:57:44to think that the entire universe

00:57:46revolves around

00:57:47what happens to John Becker?

00:57:48Yeah, I know.

00:57:49I don't get that part either.

00:57:52All right, all right.

00:57:53But I tell you,

00:57:54this doesn't mean

00:57:55that something bad

00:57:56isn't gonna still happen.

00:57:58Well, we can only hope.

00:58:01Oh, of course.

00:58:10Are you okay?

00:58:12Huh?

00:58:12Oh, yeah.

00:58:13I just got hit

00:58:15with a rubber band,

00:58:16that's all.

00:58:17I've been waiting

00:58:18for this all day.

00:58:19And you're all right?

00:58:19Yeah, I'm fine now.

00:58:21Good.

00:58:23And give me your wallet.

00:58:25What?

00:58:26Give me your wallet.

00:58:27Okay.

00:58:28All right, all right.

00:58:30Oh.

00:58:31Wallet,

00:58:32horse winnings,

00:58:33and the tax refund.

00:58:35Nice touch.

00:58:36While you're at it,

00:58:37I'll take that gold pen.

00:58:39Oh.

00:58:40Yeah, there you go.

00:58:43The pen, too.

00:58:44I didn't see that coming.

00:58:46That's, that was good.

00:58:51Oh, Dr. Becker.

00:58:54Good news.

00:58:55It turns out

00:58:56I'm not being transferred

00:58:57to Florida after all.

00:58:59Oh, look, a quarter.

00:59:04Must be my lucky day.

00:59:07See you next week.

00:59:14I love your work.

00:59:25Morning, Reggie.

00:59:27Hey, uh,

00:59:28little boy blue.

00:59:31That's your vest,

00:59:32but parked out front,

00:59:32you might want to get out there.

00:59:33A couple of bums

00:59:34seem to think

00:59:34it's the men's room.

00:59:40Were there really

00:59:40any bums out there?

00:59:42Nope.

00:59:42He was in my seat.

00:59:44What is it with that kid?

00:59:45You got blue hair

00:59:46and you're not

00:59:46from the planet Krypton,

00:59:47you got a serious problem.

00:59:50I don't need

00:59:51to express myself

00:59:52with clothing.

00:59:53You know,

00:59:53I have ideas.

00:59:55Oh, come on, Margaret,

00:59:56please.

00:59:56I don't like

00:59:57going to those things.

00:59:58They're full of

00:59:59pompous socialites

01:00:00and those goofy pediatricians.

01:00:02Besides,

01:00:03I don't have a date.

01:00:04And if I go alone,

01:00:05everyone tries to fix me up

01:00:06with their big-boned niece

01:00:08with inner beauty.

01:00:11Why don't you

01:00:12just ask Reggie?

01:00:14Reggie?

01:00:15Reggie down at the diner?

01:00:16No, it's a bad idea.

01:00:18I mean,

01:00:18we already have

01:00:18the perfect relationship.

01:00:20I mean,

01:00:20she cooks my food,

01:00:21cleans up after me,

01:00:23neither of us

01:00:24listens to a thing

01:00:24the other says.

01:00:26You know,

01:00:26it's like marriage

01:00:28without the heavy lifting.

01:00:30You know,

01:00:30what is it

01:00:30with women and shopping?

01:00:32It's like an addiction.

01:00:36Got to accept it, Jake.

01:00:37As soon as you get involved

01:00:38with a woman,

01:00:39it's only a matter of time

01:00:40before you're the next contestant

01:00:41on Guess Why I'm Mad.

01:00:44Why did you take Reggie

01:00:45to that dinner?

01:00:46What?

01:00:47Because we get along so well?

01:00:48Well, you've gone out together before.

01:00:49You went to that

01:00:50Vivaldi concert.

01:00:51No, no,

01:00:51it's completely different.

01:00:52This entails pre-planning,

01:00:54formal wear,

01:00:54and it could turn romantic.

01:00:56It doesn't have to.

01:00:58I look pretty good

01:00:59in formal wear.

01:01:02Seriously,

01:01:02how'd this happen?

01:01:05If I tell you,

01:01:06will you promise

01:01:06not to laugh

01:01:07because I really,

01:01:08I can't take any more laughing?

01:01:10I really don't find

01:01:11anything funny

01:01:12about a broken collarbone,

01:01:13Mr. Kirkham.

01:01:15Well,

01:01:17the other day

01:01:17I was walking by

01:01:18that construction site

01:01:19over there on Belson Street,

01:01:21and they've got some

01:01:22of those portable toilets there.

01:01:24Okay,

01:01:25all of a sudden,

01:01:25it started to shake.

01:01:27The next thing I know,

01:01:29it's going up in the air.

01:01:30Turns out there was a crane

01:01:31that was putting the toilet

01:01:32on the back of a truck.

01:01:33And then the truck takes off.

01:01:40We hit a pothole,

01:01:41and the toilet went

01:01:42flying off the truck.

01:01:46There was a moment

01:01:46when the toilet

01:01:47went upside down.

01:01:49I swear,

01:01:50I would have traded places

01:01:51with anyone in the universe.

01:01:53and

01:01:54it rolled down a hill

01:01:57and a schoolyard playground.

01:02:00Wow.

01:02:01Some people can be

01:02:01so insensitive.

01:02:03You know something,

01:02:03your shoulder's healing

01:02:04just fine.

01:02:05Why don't you come back

01:02:06in a couple of weeks

01:02:07and we'll take

01:02:07some new x-rays?

01:02:08Thanks, doctor.

01:02:09And, uh,

01:02:11thank you for understanding.

01:02:22Sorry.

01:02:24Poor boys.

01:02:26Doctor,

01:02:26what is it with boys?

01:02:27They don't stop.

01:02:28They don't fear anything.

01:02:30All they do is run,

01:02:31scream,

01:02:31and jump.

01:02:32And they spit.

01:02:33Mm.

01:02:34What is that about?

01:02:35Uh,

01:02:36it's a guy thing.

01:02:39Okay, uh,

01:02:40Linda's filled me in

01:02:41on your abrasive personality

01:02:43and your utter disregard

01:02:44for other people's feelings,

01:02:46but I'm okay with that.

01:02:47In fact,

01:02:48I can fix you.

01:02:49It's what I do.

01:02:54Margaret!

01:02:59What are you reading?

01:03:00What?

01:03:02Mr. Kirkham's file.

01:03:04I just got to the part

01:03:06where the toilet

01:03:07fell off the back

01:03:07of the truck.

01:03:10Margaret,

01:03:11Margaret,

01:03:11listen,

01:03:11he's our patient.

01:03:12We,

01:03:13we need to be professional.

01:03:14Mm.

01:03:15Mm.

01:03:16Mm.

01:03:17Mm.

01:03:18Did you,

01:03:19did you,

01:03:20hey,

01:03:21Dr. Beckett,

01:03:22I know it's probably

01:03:23none of my business,

01:03:24but Linda was telling me

01:03:25that you need a date

01:03:26for some dinner.

01:03:27Oh, no, no, no, no.

01:03:28Uh,

01:03:29thanks, Ray.

01:03:30I,

01:03:30I don't date patients.

01:03:31Not me.

01:03:34No,

01:03:34I was thinking of Reggie

01:03:35down at the diner.

01:03:36You know,

01:03:37I,

01:03:37go home here,

01:03:37kids.

01:03:38Well,

01:03:39here's something

01:03:39I bet never occurred to you.

01:03:41You could be wrong.

01:03:44I am not.

01:03:47Oh,

01:03:47I just,

01:03:48thinking I'm

01:03:49making too much

01:03:50out of this whole

01:03:50dinner thing,

01:03:51you know.

01:03:52Maybe,

01:03:52maybe I should just

01:03:53take Reggie.

01:03:54It'd be good

01:03:55for her to get out,

01:03:55you know,

01:03:56do her hair,

01:03:57get dressed up.

01:03:58Because,

01:03:59you know,

01:03:59frankly,

01:04:00her world's been

01:04:00getting a little

01:04:01small lately.

01:04:03I mean,

01:04:04she's got,

01:04:04you know,

01:04:05the diner,

01:04:06and,

01:04:06well,

01:04:06you,

01:04:07you know,

01:04:07not much.

01:04:08you know,

01:04:09you,

01:04:09I mean,

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