- 21 hours ago
First broadcast 9th October 1978.
Mr. Nicholls manages to persuade two pretty girls to dine in the bistro.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Marguerite Hardiman - Linda
Vanessa Fields - Rita
Mr. Nicholls manages to persuade two pretty girls to dine in the bistro.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Marguerite Hardiman - Linda
Vanessa Fields - Rita
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Thank you for listening.
00:30Thank you for listening.
01:01Albert the Cigarette.
01:02Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't think to offer you one.
01:05Albert Cigarette.
01:06Cigarette smoking in the kitchen. It's very unhygienic.
01:10Oh, Robin, how could you?
01:11What?
01:12Smoking in the kitchen.
01:13No, it's not mine. It's Albert's.
01:15You shouldn't encourage him, Albert. It's unhygienic.
01:18It was tobacco that killed me Uncle Dermot, and he never smoked in his life.
01:23He was walking past Gallagher's cigarette factory outside Dublin when he got run over by one of their vans.
01:30Didn't the van carry a government health warning, then?
01:33No.
01:34But that reminds me.
01:35That reminds me I ought to be getting out of me work.
01:38Right, Vicky, come here. I need your help.
01:39Well, I've got a drinks order.
01:40That's all right. Albert can do it. Albert, drinks.
01:43A good idea, sir. I'm as dry as I hold you on.
01:47One whiskey, one gin and tonic, one perna.
01:50You're right away, sir.
01:51Right.
01:51Right, what do you want me to do?
01:52I'd like you to stand there.
01:53Well, I thought you wanted help.
01:55I do. I can't do this by myself.
01:58Mmm.
02:00Well, what do you think, Rita?
02:01I don't know, really.
02:07Would you excuse me?
02:10After you.
02:11Oh, we're just reading the menu.
02:13Oh, yes.
02:14I can recommend everything.
02:15We're not that hungry.
02:16And besides, I have to watch this.
02:19Yes.
02:20Well, I'm sure the management will be very happy to watch it for you.
02:26I'm sure this is either fattening or against the law.
02:29No, it's against the fridge.
02:33You'll defrost your chops.
02:34Oh, I'll take that chance.
02:35Go on, come on.
02:36It's another little Christmas sweet.
02:37Robin, my father's here.
02:43No, I'm not kissing him.
02:45Hello, Victoria.
02:46Hello, Dad.
02:47I just popped in for a bite.
02:49Well, I don't mind biting him.
02:50Well, you're busy canoodling.
02:53I've been dealing with your customers.
02:55Two young ladies at table seven is their order.
02:59One dinner suit, one sports jacket, and one pair of cricket flannel.
03:04Did they sort of actually say how they wanted it done?
03:08My dry cleaning slip.
03:10The order is on the other side.
03:11Ah, thank you.
03:12Pity that.
03:12He's always wanted to fry a cricket flannel.
03:15Here we are, sir.
03:16Whiskey, gin and tonic and peanut.
03:18Which one's that?
03:20All of them.
03:23Look, Albert, you see, you know, they're separate drinks.
03:26Ah, it's going to be difficult to separate them now, sir.
03:29See, I've given them a stir with me finger.
03:32Albert, nobody's going to drink that.
03:33Oh, it's a clean finger, sir.
03:35Look.
03:36Oh, well, it is now, anyway.
03:38Riddle, the cost of that will be deducted from your wages.
03:41It is positively unfit for human consumption.
03:43Ah, well.
03:48And that in no way disproves my point.
03:52Albert, what about your stomach?
03:53Oh, she's right, sir.
03:54I'd better get a brandy to set this.
03:57You're not going to let him do that, are you?
03:59Of course I'm not.
04:00Albert, that's a brandy glass.
04:03Ah, thank you, sir.
04:04And it'll cost you 80p to fill it.
04:07Ah, yeah.
04:08Ah, yeah.
04:09I think I'll wait until it.
04:11What do you think you'll know?
04:11If I were to ask you to cook me a steak now, what would you say?
04:15On your bike.
04:16So I'd end up cooking it myself?
04:18Yes.
04:18So I've started out where I was going to end up.
04:21In any case, you'd only smother it with some foreign muck.
04:24I think I'll spoil myself with a mushroom.
04:30Right.
04:31Here we are.
04:32One gin and tonic, one whiskey, and one pernil.
04:37All in separate glasses.
04:50Robin!
04:51Linda!
04:52Oh!
04:53You're on water here.
04:54Well, no, I run it, actually.
04:55Well, walk it.
04:56It's not difficult.
04:57That's super.
04:58Oh!
04:59With my wife.
05:00Oh, you're not married, are you?
05:01Yes.
05:02Yes.
05:03Yes.
05:04Yes.
05:05Yes.
05:06Vicky, Vicky, sorry, Vicky.
05:07Vicky, this is Linda, my wife.
05:09And Vicky, no, sorry, no, sorry.
05:10Vicky, that is Vicky, my wife, Linda.
05:11Hello.
05:12Excuse me.
05:13Oh, sorry.
05:14Vicky, Vicky, sorry, Vicky.
05:15Vicky, this is Linda, my wife.
05:20And Vicky, no, sorry, no, sorry.
05:22Vicky, that is Vicky, my wife, Linda.
05:25Hello.
05:27Excuse me.
05:29Lin, Lin.
05:30Oh, sorry.
05:31Okay.
05:33If you'd just like to hold on a little while, sit down.
05:35I'm a bit pushed at the moment.
05:36All right, I'll see you in a minute.
05:43That was, uh, that was, that was Linda.
05:48Yes.
05:49We were at college together.
05:50Fascinating.
05:51We used to share a garlic crusher.
05:54Couldn't you afford a flat?
05:59You know, it wasn't like that.
06:00Like what?
06:01Well, you know, like that.
06:02She kissed you?
06:03Oh, no, she kissed everybody.
06:04She's a very friendly girl.
06:05Yeah, she sounded.
06:06No, I mean, you know, everyone at college had her number, telephone number.
06:09We had a goat like that.
06:11That was on the phone?
06:12No, they kissed everybody.
06:14And a winter's night, she'd be sitting asleep watching television.
06:18And she'd come right up and stick her tongue in your ear and waggle it about.
06:23But it was great for removing the wax.
06:28Hey, Quiggle.
06:29I'm about to eat.
06:30They want a crack of bread.
06:31Who do?
06:32Lusty Linda and friend.
06:34I'll get it.
06:35No, you won't.
06:36I think you'd better stay where you are.
06:41Don't you dare put any of that muck on my steak.
06:46Well, I do hope you'll enjoy this.
06:49It's a presumptuous little wine.
06:53The pretensions of its burgundy parentage.
06:57Moderated by a touch of Algerian on the wrong side of the blanket.
07:01It's really great seeing Robin with a place of his own.
07:05Did he tell you then?
07:06Yes.
07:07Why?
07:08I suppose he does it to impress.
07:09Actually, I'm the owner.
07:10He's merely the sort of cook.
07:13Oh, this patty is super.
07:15Oh, do you like it?
07:16Yes.
07:17Well, I've tried to teach him everything I know.
07:20Oh.
07:21Are you his father?
07:23No.
07:26Just wondered why you kept quiet about her, that's all.
07:28Oh, I didn't keep quiet about her.
07:29I just didn't mention her, that's all.
07:31I mean, in a college of over 200 people, you have to forget somebody.
07:35I mean, did I ever tell you about Blow Wave Bertie?
07:39Huh?
07:40Yes.
07:41I used to borrow my pudding moles.
07:43There's another one who'd give me a kiss if he turned up here.
07:46Ah, delicious.
07:48My compliments to the chef.
07:51Hey, come on.
07:52Have a bit of foreign muck on it.
07:53No!
07:54Go on, just a bit of foreign muck.
07:55Get off!
07:56Get off!
07:57Leave it alone.
08:10Oh, you'll never guess.
08:11While you were in the loo, he asked for my phone number and gave me his.
08:15Says we ought to get together.
08:17But he doesn't want Mrs. Tripp to know, because he says she won't understand.
08:29Oh, I'm sorry.
08:38Very enjoyable.
08:40Right, that'll be two pounds for the steak and two pee for the mushroom.
08:44You are married to my daughter.
08:46I won't charge you for it.
08:49Since I provide the money for this establishment, if I don't pay, I shall be depriving myself of two pounds and two pee.
08:55And what thanks do I get for it, hmm?
08:56Listen, I own half of this restaurant.
08:58Then you pay your half of my bill.
09:00That sounds logical to me.
09:01Thank you very much.
09:03Ah, goodbye darling.
09:06Goodbye darling.
09:07Well, don't look so unhappy.
09:09I'll be back tomorrow.
09:10That's why she's so unhappy.
09:13Are you alright?
09:14Yes, I'm just a bit tired, that's all.
09:16Well look, I tell you what, why don't you go upstairs?
09:17Don't worry, I'll clean up here.
09:18It'll only take half an hour.
09:20I'll give you a hand, sir.
09:21Possibly an hour.
09:22I'm fine.
09:24Will I get cracking on the plate, sir?
09:26That's what I'm afraid of, Albert.
09:27Right.
09:28Is it alright if I pop in and see Robin?
09:29No.
09:31Goodnight, madam.
09:32Oh, Albert, have you finished already?
09:33Well, not quite, but Mr. Tripp said I could have an early night on account of it being late.
09:35Did he?
09:36Well, alright.
09:37Goodnight, Albert.
09:38Goodnight.
09:39Goodnight.
09:40Excuse me.
09:41Yes?
09:42Oh, thanks very much.
09:44Oh!
09:45Oh!
09:46Well, alright.
09:47Goodnight, Albert.
09:48Goodnight.
09:49Goodnight.
09:50Excuse me.
09:51Yes?
09:52Oh, thanks very much.
09:54Oh!
09:55Oh!
09:56Oh!
09:57Oh!
09:58Oh!
09:59Oh!
10:00You've changed.
10:01There we are, sir.
10:02I hope you enjoyed your meal.
10:03Oh!
10:04Oh!
10:05Oh, of course.
10:06Thanks very much.
10:07Thank you very much!
10:08Oh, sorry.
10:09Wrong one.
10:10Oh, sorry.
10:11Wrong one.
10:12Well, thanks ever so much for a super meal.
10:15And as you won't let me pay, you must let me leave you a tip.
10:18Oh, well, it's nice to see your mates again.
10:20Now, listen, if you bump into Blow Wave Bertie, give them a great impression of me, okay, I'll
10:24I'll see you later.
10:25Oh, oops, hang on, sorry.
10:27Sorry, my watch strap, it's caught your dress.
10:28Hang on, hang on, hang on, sorry, sorry.
10:31Hang on, hang on.
10:33Hang on, hang on.
10:36Oh, I can't, I can't.
10:43Ah.
10:45Ha, ha, ha, ha, yes.
10:48Hello.
10:56Daddy?
10:58Victoria?
10:59Ah, just a moment, darling.
11:08Yes, dear, what is it?
11:10Well, Daddy, Robin and I have had a quarrel.
11:13His fault entirely.
11:16We fathers are sensitive to this kind of thing.
11:18We'll institute divorce proceedings first thing in the morning.
11:21All I want to know is, well, is the spare room spare?
11:27Of course it is, my love.
11:31Thanks, Daddy.
11:37My poor little treasure.
11:45Thanks.
11:48Where's Victoria?
11:50She's at home.
11:51But she rang up about her room.
11:52I know, and I'm very grateful to you.
11:54What?
11:56You?
11:57You're going to stay here?
11:59Well, it's nice of you to insist.
12:00Now, just a moment.
12:02I don't allow any Tom, Dick or Harry just to come wandering in here and settling in.
12:06What about robins?
12:07I hang out bits of bacon for them in the winter.
12:10Oh, come on, I am, you son-in-law.
12:13Only by marriage.
12:18Now then, what is all this about?
12:21Well, Vicky and I, we...
12:24We had this quarrel and, uh, here I am.
12:28Mm-hmm.
12:29I can't help feeling you've left bits out.
12:33I mean, do you know those two girls that were eating at the restaurant tonight?
12:35Oh, yes.
12:37One was dark with, uh, brown eyes and black floral dress and a little black bow caught
12:44at the neck.
12:45And the other was blonde with hazel eyes and a sort of brown and white striped T-shirt
12:51with a brown skirt and cream suede boots.
12:59You caught a glimpse of them, then?
13:03Well, anyway, I went to college with Linda.
13:06She was the one with the blonde dress, the hazel boots and the black eyes.
13:09Sorry, the black...
13:11Yes, yes, I think I know the one you mean.
13:13Okay, right.
13:13Well, I let them eat for nothing, you see.
13:15You what?
13:18It's no wonder that Victoria has slung you out.
13:20Free meals?
13:22We're not running a branch of the Salvation Army, you know.
13:24That's not the reason she slung me out.
13:26She thought I was chatting up Linda and exchanging telephone numbers, that's all.
13:31Oh.
13:32Oh, no, no, it's here.
13:35Have a drink.
13:37What?
13:38You mean you believe me?
13:39Well, why not?
13:40I may be Victoria's father, but...
13:43You're not sure.
13:44Sorry.
13:47But I know that women can be unreasonable.
13:51Why, her mother used to accuse me of making advances to other women.
13:54Did you?
13:56That's beside the point.
13:57But the point is, you see, I was just saying goodbye to Linda.
14:01Wait a minute.
14:02I'll show you.
14:02Stand up.
14:04Just stand up a minute, will you?
14:06Right.
14:06Okay?
14:07Yes.
14:08That's it.
14:09Now, you're Linda.
14:11Okay?
14:13Now, you say goodbye to me.
14:15Goodbye.
14:18Then you give me a nice, friendly kiss.
14:22Don't do that bit.
14:23Okay?
14:23I put my arm around you like this, you see.
14:25I'm seeing out of the door.
14:28Oh, no.
14:29What?
14:30I've caught my wristwatch on your dressing gown.
14:31You see, this is what happened to me and Linda.
14:33Then Vicky saw us, we had this quarrel, and, oh, here I am.
14:37Now, look here.
14:38You've had a quarrel with my daughter.
14:40If I put you up here, that would be taking sides.
14:42Why?
14:42And that would be most unfair.
14:44Why?
14:44Well, to start with, I'm on her side.
14:47I'm trying to.
14:49Now, look here.
14:49There are plenty of parks, railway stations, warm gratings.
14:53Use them.
14:54Cheers.
14:55Oh, Dad.
14:58All right.
14:59Now, listen.
14:59What would your neighbors think if they saw your son-in-law huddled on your doorstep?
15:03Oh, very well.
15:04But you're not having Victoria's room.
15:05You could sleep in there.
15:06On the sofa.
15:07That would be fine.
15:08That sofa costs 600 pounds.
15:10I'm not having it ruined by people using it.
15:12Why are you going to sleep on your balcony?
15:15Certainly not.
15:16You worry the plants.
15:20Thanks, Martha.
15:21Sorry.
15:22Oh, shoot.
15:23Good morning.
15:39Good morning.
15:43Good morning.
15:46I said...
15:46I said...
15:50Yeah.
16:01Oh.
16:02Oh.
16:03Oh.
16:05Oh.
16:05Oh, what it is to be young.
16:07I'm in agony.
16:09I'm in agony.
16:10Stop complaining.
16:12Many a done and out would be glad of a nice soft tiled floor to sleep on.
16:15I hardly slept at all.
16:18You know, I had this terrible dream.
16:21I dreamt I was David Crockett.
16:22David Crockett?
16:23Yes.
16:24I woke up and your cat was sitting on my head.
16:32When I was at Solano, we were glad to sleep in six inches of mud.
16:36Well, at least it was soft.
16:37Yes, well, I've always found that a good breakfast works wonders.
16:41Nice pot of hot coffee, a couple of kippers, some kidneys and bacon, a couple of eggs, sunny
16:46side up.
16:47That sounds great.
16:48Yes.
16:48Well, the kitchen's in there.
16:49And while you're at it, you can make a piece of toast for yourself.
16:58Oh.
17:00Oh, dear.
17:03I had terrible trouble getting this thing on the bus.
17:05The conductor wanted to charge me full fare for it, but I insisted on half, because it
17:10is under 14.
17:12What?
17:13Well, it's for Robin.
17:15You and Robin.
17:17Sort of, uh, thanks for the free meal.
17:20You've got a nerve after exchanging telephone numbers and planning to go out together?
17:25Ah.
17:26You found out.
17:27I saw you at it in the kitchen.
17:29You mean me and Robin?
17:31Oh, there was nothing between us.
17:33There wasn't room for anything.
17:35You didn't, but you didn't think that that was his watch strap.
17:39First a garlic crusher, now a watch strap.
17:42Robin doesn't fancy me.
17:45It's your father.
17:46What?
17:47Well, he asked me for my phone number.
17:49Said not to mention it to you, as you wouldn't understand.
17:52What?
17:53My father asked you for the...
17:55Oh, hell.
17:57Very good.
18:06Particularly the kidneys and bacon.
18:09I enjoyed the piece of toast.
18:12Wouldn't it be nice if you'd let me put some butter on it?
18:15Must make a pick of yourself.
18:16Well, I think it's time for a shower.
18:19Hey, listen, why don't you take these in with you?
18:21That would save on the water and electricity bills.
18:26Oh, don't run the hot water in the kitchen.
18:28It makes the water in the shower run cold.
18:31Jawohl, monsieur.
18:32Stalag 17.
18:49Robin?
18:50Vicky?
18:51Oh, Robin, you weren't chatting up Linda after all.
18:55Well, I know that.
18:56It was my father, randy old devil.
19:00Do you mean it was your father that was chatting up the...
19:02I see, okay.
19:05I'll see you in half now, okay?
19:26Oh, my God.
19:28Oh, my God.
19:31Oh, my God.
19:32Oh, my God.
19:32what what what do you think you're playing at well i thought if you're into reading this sort
19:46of stuff you must probably need a cold shower i let you come here i let you get on with things
19:55yes and you let me sleep on the floor quite and you let me cook your breakfast yes yes and there's
19:59something else you let me do as well what you very kindly let me take the blame for trying to pull
20:06linda it was you ah yes you know about that well look here i don't want victoria to lose the deep
20:18and abiding respect that she has for me her her father so i'd be very grateful if you would
20:27please not mention it to her
20:34you're a randy old devil aren't you what are you
20:40a randy devil
20:54old
20:54randy holder very well but you won't say anything to her about oh of course i won't thank you but
21:12it will cost you and what is your price just be nice to me that's all nice to you just a week
21:27been nice friendly helpful helpful that's all
21:38very well go on then
21:41now just a nice friendly little smile to start with you
21:59maybe if i wore a pair of rubber gloves it might make the plates less slippy a pair oh yes yes good
22:06idea albert hello my little petal good morning sir
22:13it's uh it's the tea break would you like a cup of coffee no thank you albert
22:23i missed you no you were spot on target listen it does outside parking the car okay so don't tell
22:29him you know about what you know what that he's parking the car no no about linda why hello darling
22:42oh dad oh well it's lovely to see that you two have made up you're such a perfect couple
22:48i'd after all who could wish for a lovelier daughter and a better son-in-law
22:57and a better son-in-law yes
23:01listen dad
23:06you know because vicky and i worked together last night due to a certain miss uh
23:11misunderstanding we thought we'd like to spend a little more time together alone today okay
23:16oh we can't robin there's too much work to be done no no no that's all right darling i'll take care
23:20of it all after all i've i've got the whole week off you you you two relax do you mean to say you
23:28don't mind sweeping that dirty backyard oh it'll be a pleasure and i'll tell you what the drains they
23:35need unblocking i love unblocking drains oh dad really you don't have to no no no no no no no no
23:44darling marvelous fun you know unblocking drains drains i tell you why because underneath that stern
24:01exterior beats a spine of jelly oh and i'll tell you something else what's that would you believe
24:09i've caught my wristwatch on your jumper
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