- 4 hours ago
First broadcast 23rd October 1978.
Robin wakes up his father-in-law with news of a possible parking ticket.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Allan Cuthbertson - Colonel Chambers
Richard Shaw - Sergeant Carter
Russell Waters - Waiter
Robin wakes up his father-in-law with news of a possible parking ticket.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Allan Cuthbertson - Colonel Chambers
Richard Shaw - Sergeant Carter
Russell Waters - Waiter
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00It's a very cool game, I'm not going to be a joke, but I think it's a very cool game.
00:04No, it's a little bit better.
00:08But we're not going to be a joke.
00:12Maybe it's a game.
00:16It's a game for a game.
00:20It's a game for a game.
00:24It's a game for a game for a game.
00:28Oh, come on. Get up, you lazy hound. Open those curtains.
00:49What's so fascinating about Caterer Times today?
00:52The final cut, it's gone topless.
00:56Look, it's beautiful.
00:58I don't think so. I might if it was Johnny.
01:00No, no, no, no. Look, a flambe. It's one of those burners you put a pan on and cook with at the table.
01:06I know what a flambe is.
01:08What?
01:08It's one of those burners you put a pan on and cook with at the table.
01:10Correct. You have passed on any one question. The price, £72.50. And I want it, I tell you. I want it. I want it now, I tell you. I need it. I need it.
01:20You are still talking about the flambe?
01:22Not necessarily. What did you have in mind?
01:23Breakfast.
01:24Oh, all right, I'll open the curtains.
01:25We can't afford it. We still haven't paid the electricity bill yet. Or the gas.
01:30I know, but we haven't had the red ones yet, have we, eh?
01:34Oh, hello, hello. Your father's car's still outside and on his favourite yellow line.
01:40That's funny. I thought he said he was going to pick it up last night.
01:42Well, after his army reunion thing, he's most probably still trying to remember where he left it. Do you know what I mean?
01:46Oh, no. Dad's not like that. He always knows when he's had enough.
01:49Yeah, he falls over.
01:52I think we ought to ring him and remind him of this room.
01:54Yeah, but he might get a ticket. You know, his car, it might get towed away. It might cost him 26 quid.
02:00Ring him.
02:00Oh, you're no fun, are you?
02:16No, there's no answer. He must have gone for a little run around the park.
02:19Oh. What does it mean when you hear a groaning tone?
02:25Hello.
02:26Ah, hello. It's Robin here. Remember me? I married your daughter.
02:32Have you rung me up to remind me?
02:34Good thrash last night, was it?
02:36I was not at a public flogging.
02:39I was privileged to be at a modest gathering of brave men.
02:46Some of them heroes.
02:47I bet you're feeling your age this morning, eh?
02:50I have eaten something which disagreed with me.
02:53Oh, yes, of course, that's what it is. Yes, something you've eaten, of course.
02:56You know, it's something he's eaten.
02:58Why have you rung me up in the small hours?
03:01It's ten o'clock in the morning.
03:02Don't split hairs at the top of your voice. What do you want?
03:04Well, it's about your car.
03:06Car?
03:07It's here.
03:08Ah.
03:09And it's just about to get a parking ticket.
03:11What?
03:13Oh.
03:13All right.
03:16Fold in the mixture there.
03:18Right now, have you seen my wooden spoon?
03:20No.
03:21Hey, come on in, sir, Matthew.
03:23Ah, here he is.
03:24The hold of the wooden spoon of life himself.
03:26I'm sorry I'm late, sir.
03:28Only I set me watch with the pawnbroker's clock, which is ten minutes slow.
03:31And he always sets his by the town hall clock, which is always twenty-five minutes fast.
03:35You're not late.
03:37I'm not, really.
03:38You're on time.
03:39Oh, well, that's probably because me watch has stopped.
03:43Albert.
03:44Albert, have you seen my wooden spoon?
03:45Oh, that I have, sir.
03:47I was using it yesterday to unblock the waste disposal.
03:51What's blocking it?
03:52Well, it's mainly the wooden spoon.
04:00Ah, Victoria.
04:01Look at it.
04:03Six pounds.
04:05Oh, and why do they have to use such blinding white paper?
04:09Good morning.
04:10Don't be facetious.
04:12Oh, I think I'll sit down.
04:14You are sitting down.
04:16Oh, yes.
04:18How does my tongue look?
04:20Well, if I was you, I wouldn't put it back in my mouth.
04:23Hello, hello, hello.
04:25How's the head?
04:26Still hearing the anvil chorus, are we?
04:31Are you doing that specially for my benefit?
04:33Well, I wasn't, but do try some.
04:35It's what I call creme surprise, you see?
04:38See that?
04:38Look at that.
04:38It's got black treacle, egg yolk, double cream, and milk chocolate.
04:44No, thank you.
04:44Come on, have a little spoon if it'll do.
04:45It's nice and gooey.
04:46Come on.
04:47The Marquis de Sade is obviously alive and well and living in Fulham.
04:51Isn't putting a key down your back supposed to be good for a hangover?
04:55No, darling.
04:55No, no, no.
04:56That's nosebleed.
04:57A tip you may find useful if you don't take that away.
05:00Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
05:01Food, glorious food.
05:03Pot, sausage, and mustard.
05:04I'm going to my club, Victoria, where a man may die without it causing comment.
05:10Cold jelly and custard.
05:12Bye, Dad.
05:15Bye, Daddy.
05:21You didn't help.
05:22I mean, why should I?
05:23A hangover is a self-inflicted wound.
05:25Thank you very much.
05:32No.
05:40Your usual, Major.
05:43Don't shout, Charles.
05:47I'll just have another cup of black coffee.
05:49Yes, sir.
05:49And stir it outside.
05:52May I return this to you, sir?
05:56Ah, yes.
06:01My sock.
06:04The cleaning staff found it this morning on the Shanda beer house, sir.
06:12Black coffee.
06:16Oh, morning, old boy.
06:18Thought I'd find you here.
06:19Good morning, Carol.
06:21Splendid thrash last night.
06:23You were the life and soul of the party.
06:25I never knew you could tap dance.
06:29Neither did I.
06:31That terrific idea of yours, Operation Emma Hamilton.
06:34Yes, yes.
06:36I don't know how you think these things are.
06:39Well, what is it exactly?
06:44A birthday celebration.
06:46Ah, yes, yes, of course.
06:47Emma Hamilton.
06:48Hamilton.
06:49Tell me, old boy, have you cleared it with the restaurant wallows yet?
06:52Well, it's sort of, um...
06:54Which restaurant?
06:59You know, when I was at college, we had a teacher who specialised in flambé cooking.
07:03Once a month.
07:04Just long enough for his eyebrows to grow back.
07:05It's no use lusting after something you can't afford.
07:09Why not?
07:10I do it all the time with Bianca Jagger.
07:11Well, you'll just have to make do with me.
07:13And a frying pan.
07:14Actually, secretly, I prefer you.
07:15Well, to a frying pan, anyway.
07:18Evening.
07:20Perhaps I should go out and come back in again.
07:22No, we'd still be at it when you come back.
07:25No, break it up.
07:26Go to a neutral corner.
07:28How's your head, Dad?
07:29Oh, much better, thank you, darling.
07:30I had a tumble from all that fizzy stuff.
07:32Champagne.
07:34Now, I may be in a position to do you a good turn, young man.
07:38Oh, you're leaving already.
07:40I have persuaded some of my friends to take over this whole restaurant for an evening.
07:45The whole restaurant?
07:46We've got regular bookings every night.
07:48Ah, but I've arranged it for a Sunday.
07:49Sunday next.
07:50Who are they?
07:51My regimental association.
07:52Oh, the men you served with?
07:54Not men, dear.
07:55Officers.
07:57Hang on a minute.
07:57I mean, your eyeballs only stopped revolving from your last thrash.
08:02That was a reunion.
08:04This is to celebrate the birthday of Emma Hamilton.
08:08It was my idea, actually.
08:10That's how I'm told.
08:12Anyway, I thought this place would be absolutely ideal.
08:16Oh, yes.
08:16Can you just imagine it, eh?
08:18Two hulking great ex-guards officers gazing into each other's eyes across the candlelight.
08:22Oh, Charles.
08:23Oh, Nigel.
08:24We eat at one long table, actually.
08:30Sorry, I want my Sundays off.
08:32Have you never heard of the word profit?
08:34Think.
08:35It's what other restaurants make.
08:37How much profit?
08:38Well, let me see.
08:39Thirty times three.
08:40Over 72 pounds 50.
08:43Oh, yes, certainly.
08:44Surely there must be some piece of kitchen equipment you want.
08:46There usually is.
08:47No, I'm sorry.
08:48I don't think...
08:48Oh, yes.
08:49Well, on the other hand, we don't want to spoil Daddy's little thing, do we?
08:53All right.
08:54Now, did you have some sort of menu in mind?
08:57Perhaps sort of boiled egg and soldiers?
09:02The menu is fixed.
09:04A bit of good old army tradition.
09:06Right far away.
09:07Well, it's Windsor soup, or trench muff, as we used to call it.
09:11Boiled mutton, and it's followed by Lady Daphne's delight.
09:16What?
09:17Spotted dick.
09:21No, I'm sorry I can't cook it.
09:24There's only one thing to do there.
09:25We shall have to bring in the regimental chef.
09:27He knows the drill.
09:28All right, all right, I'll do it.
09:29I'm not having another man in my kitchen.
09:31No.
09:41I was wondering, sir, would you fancy a glass of wine?
09:55I already have one, Reddle.
09:57Ah, so you have.
09:57Yeah, it's me that hasn't got one.
10:01I knew it was someone.
10:04How very perceptive.
10:11Are you deliberately trying to prevent me from finishing these invitations?
10:18Well, it's the Teftomy rubber glove, sir.
10:20I was wondering if you'd seen it.
10:22Ah, you have unmasked me, Reddle.
10:24I've always wanted a rubber glove, particularly a rubber glove like yours.
10:28With tooth marks on the fingers.
10:34Morning.
10:34Morning.
10:35I'm looking for the owner.
10:36Yes?
10:37Major Nichols.
10:38Oh, that owner.
10:39You do work here, don't you?
10:41Yes.
10:41Ah, lucky chap serving under a man like Duffer Nichols.
10:44Who?
10:45Duffer Nichols.
10:47Oh, yes, yes.
10:48Good old Duffer, yes.
10:50Cut along like a good lad, telling Colonel Chambers is here, will you?
10:53Certainly, sir.
10:55Ah, that's the envelope finished.
10:59Excuse me, could I have a word with you, Duffer?
11:05Who told you that?
11:07Well, there's a chum of yours outside of Colonel Chambers.
11:09I believe he's in the army.
11:11Putty, ah.
11:12Well, he didn't look that bad to me.
11:17The army.
11:19Oh, dear, oh, dear.
11:25Saints be praised, he had stolen us.
11:28The man's an infomaniac.
11:30Oh, boy.
11:33Oh, dear fellow, I have very good of you to go.
11:34Now, here's your invitation.
11:36Ah, thank you.
11:36Save me the cost of a stamp.
11:38Ah, here's Victoria, my daughter.
11:40Colonel Chambers.
11:41Victoria.
11:41How do you do?
11:42Ahem.
11:43There he is.
11:45And this is, er, er, er...
11:46Robin.
11:47Yeah, from the kitchen.
11:49Robin.
11:50Potty.
11:50Well, do excuse me.
11:52I'm just off for the shops.
11:54I'll see you later.
11:55Wonderful gesture of old Duffers, this.
11:57Bucket Dixon had just started on Eskimo Dale,
12:02where Duffer here left on the table...
12:04Colonel, don't you think that all this comes under the, er,
12:07Official Secrets Act?
12:08Now, I'm always interested in hearing yarns of good old Duffer's military exploits, eh?
12:13What?
12:20He's not a blood relative, Colonel.
12:22Oh, regimental silver.
12:25Ah, yes.
12:26I've arranged to have it delivered.
12:27We couldn't celebrate Emma Hamilton's birthday without it.
12:29Absolutely not, my dear.
12:31Dad, Dad, do you want me to take care of the invitations?
12:32I'm going past the post office.
12:33Oh, thank you, Victoria, darling.
12:35Yes.
12:35Perhaps your lad could give it a bit of polish.
12:37Excuse me, excuse me.
12:38Sorry, sorry, sorry, potty.
12:39Erm, Duffer.
12:42May I ask you one question?
12:44If you must.
12:45Now, Emma Hamilton, she was Lord Nelson's bit on the side, right?
12:49Yes.
12:50The Navy's Lord Nelson.
12:51Yes.
12:52So why is the Army celebrating it?
12:53Emma Hamilton is the mascot of the regiment.
12:56Mascot?
12:57She's a nanny goat.
13:01Oh, look at it.
13:02Brown Windsor, boiled mutton and spotted dick.
13:06This isn't going to stretch me, you know.
13:07No, but it'll stretch them.
13:10They must have stomachs like bomb shelters.
13:11I'm not looking forward to this at all.
13:13Well, just lie back and think of flambés.
13:15Oh, it's like asking Rembrandt to paint toenails.
13:19Albert, tell them we're closed.
13:20It's right, sir.
13:21I'll do that.
13:25We're closed.
13:26Is this nest, Robbins, for the use of?
13:28Yeah, I think so.
13:29I've got a delivery up and Major Nichols retired.
13:32Right, lads, fingers out.
13:33I'll need a signature to hang about when I know you.
13:38I know, no, no, it's not possible.
13:41No, we've never met before, Sergeant Parker.
13:44No, never.
13:44Let me see.
13:46I'll never forget her face.
13:48Pioneer Corps.
13:49Catwreck.
13:50Private.
13:51Private, uh...
13:52Ritty?
13:52That's it.
13:53No, that's not me.
13:54Yes, it is.
13:56Oh, yes.
13:57You had more arms then, but it was you.
13:59I know.
13:59No, you're wrong.
14:00I'm not him.
14:01Now, I admit I look a bit like him, but I'm, um...
14:04I'm meself.
14:07Move yourselves, lads.
14:07Better double hernia to my displeasure.
14:09Oh.
14:12The wise by-profit, the rules, oh, chocolate.
14:15Albert, say it slowly.
14:17Who is here?
14:18Themselves.
14:19Ah, Vicky, were we expecting themselves?
14:21The army.
14:22What, all of it?
14:24I'll empty the slot pocket, sir.
14:25It's empty?
14:26Well, then I'll fill it.
14:32Sorry, you can't camp here.
14:35Major Nichols.
14:37Oh.
14:37No.
14:38No, Tripp.
14:39You'll do.
14:41Genuine all-marked silver, that.
14:43Nick from the Arabs, Turks, Persians and others about it, your brethren.
14:47So on here, would you, sir?
14:48Oh, well.
14:50Nice place here, miss.
14:51I suppose it's what you call a bistow.
14:53Well, there's something like that.
14:55Only, it's got an R in it.
14:57Ah, of course.
14:57I've heard of that.
14:58Oh, bistow.
15:01I'm sorry, you ain't no more sniggering yet.
15:03Get outside, move yourselves.
15:04Make yourself.
15:05Move yourselves, I'll have you whitewashing shots.
15:08On a double.
15:09Hit right, hit right, hit right.
15:10I hope they never bring back National Service.
15:12Oh, I'm sure this spotted dick wouldn't have satisfied Lady Daphne.
15:20Sir?
15:21No, it's the, uh, it lacks a certain, I don't know, je ne sais quoi.
15:25I don't think we've got any, sir.
15:28No, Albert.
15:30Je ne sais quoi.
15:31It's French.
15:32I don't know what.
15:34Well, they do say it's a very difficult language to understand.
15:38That's a little something, I think.
15:39That's a little brandy might help a little bit.
15:40Well, I'll see you on Monday then, sir, the same as usual.
15:43Now, hang on, hang on, Albert.
15:44We need you here tonight.
15:45I'd only be in the way you see in a situation like this.
15:48Albert, we need you here now.
15:49Stay.
15:50I should say, sir, only the fingers, they feel very slippery.
15:54Hello.
15:54Everything tickety-boo?
15:56Tickety-what?
15:56Boo.
15:57Anything I can do?
15:58Yes, you could lay up.
15:59Albert, stay.
16:02You could lay out your stolen cutlery.
16:04Yeah, first things first.
16:07Yeah.
16:10I know the worst of that.
16:17Who doesn't?
16:18Ah, yes.
16:19On this tape are some of the finest tunes in your country's heritage.
16:22Has it got blue-thwaite shoes?
16:25This takes me back.
16:27Burning African sun.
16:30Sand parching the back of one's throat.
16:32A thousand brave men marching into hell.
16:36Some of these cheap package shows can be like that.
16:40Perhaps you'd give this to Victoria.
16:43What is it?
16:44It's my dress suit.
16:45She always used to love pressing it for me.
16:49It's a bit strong, this.
16:51As if I haven't got enough to do.
16:53You know, darling, you sounded just like your mother there for a moment.
16:56You want to watch that, you know.
16:57What's happened to the woman who usually comes in and does for you?
16:59I didn't know you knew about Cynthia.
17:03Oh, is that the name of your cleaning woman?
17:05Oh, the cleaning woman!
17:08Ah, yes, she's got a day off.
17:11Victoria, there are a couple of things I want to mention to you.
17:13Oh, Dad, nobody wears a bra these days.
17:15What?
17:15Oh, no, no, no, no, darling.
17:17No, no, no, no.
17:18Not, not, uh...
17:19No.
17:19No, it's about...
17:20It's about tonight.
17:22They're...
17:22They're good chaps.
17:24But they can be a little lively.
17:27You mean rowdy?
17:29No, no.
17:30The men get rowdy.
17:31Officers get lively.
17:32Um, some of the songs may be somewhat, uh...
17:38Bordy?
17:42Filthy is the word.
17:44Like four and twenty virgins.
17:46What?
17:47Where did you hear that?
17:48Boarding school.
17:49Good Lord.
17:50Don't worry, I don't know all the verses.
17:52Just the first thirty-four.
17:55Ah.
17:56Well, what I want to impress upon you is that if I appear,
18:01if I should appear to be singing some of these songs,
18:04actually, I'm really only miming them.
18:07And also, I may be called to want to tell a joke or two, and...
18:10Oh, you're going to mime them as well.
18:12Oh, God.
18:14No, I just don't want you to get the idea that I make a habit of it.
18:18Uh, did you say thirty-four verses?
18:21Hmm, good heavens.
18:23I only know nineteen.
18:26Ah, this is what I call real soup.
18:28Not made out of a can or a packet,
18:30but made from freshly caught brown Windsors.
18:32Albert!
18:34Where do you think you're going?
18:35Just to check that the tables are laid out properly, sir.
18:38Albert, the tables are not in the backyard.
18:39Eh, no.
18:40You were sneaking off, weren't you?
18:41Oh, no, sir.
18:42Well, yes, sir.
18:43Uh, I've had this urgent message from me Uncle Michael and Barry Mucky.
18:47He's not well, sir.
18:49Albert, your Uncle Michael has been dead for five years.
18:52Glory be, it's worse than I thought.
18:55Albert, how did you get the message?
18:57I've been here all the time.
18:58Well, you see, I've always had this off to six cents, sir.
19:00Hmm, sort of make-up for the lack of the other five.
19:02Now, come on, stop mucking around.
19:03What's the matter with you?
19:04Well, it's the army people, sir.
19:06They're after me for what I've done.
19:07They never give up, sir.
19:09Now, now, Albert, Albert, we need you...
19:11Now, then, let's see.
19:17The invitation said 19.30 hours.
19:19That gives us exactly one minute and 35 seconds in which to relax.
19:23I always like to...
19:24Who laid the table?
19:26Albert.
19:27Well, he's...
19:28He's put all the cutlery on the right-hand side.
19:30Well, he always does that.
19:32We have a problem.
19:33Where's Riddle?
19:34Well, that's the problem.
19:35He's gone off with his brillo pad and that's it.
19:36What?
19:37Oh, hang on.
19:38Here's Dottie.
19:38Who?
19:38Potty, not...
19:41Spot on time, as ever.
19:46Can I get you a sherry?
19:48Get him a sherry.
19:49We thought we'd have you at the head of the table.
19:51Oh, yes.
19:52With Bucky Dixon on your left flank and Spotty Ancatel on your right.
19:57Do we need to set a special place for the goat?
19:59No, no, no, darling.
20:00It's not restaurant trained.
20:01The only time we ever had her in the mess, she gave a new meaning to the word.
20:07Thank you, Dottie.
20:08Chair, chair.
20:09Hey, do you fancy a quick one before we start?
20:11I'd rather have a drink.
20:12Oh, dear.
20:14It's going to be a bit of a night, you know.
20:15There's going to be bread rolls being flung around, singing, wild dancing, swearing.
20:20That's only in the kitchen.
20:21God knows what it's been like in the middle.
20:22Yes, well.
20:4920, 35 hours.
20:54Yes.
20:56Hmm.
20:58Now, sherry?
21:00No, no, no, no.
21:01No.
21:01Well, you, you have one, though.
21:03No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
21:05No, not for me, old boy.
21:09On the other hand, it would pass the time.
21:12Yes, I'll join you.
21:14Hey, look.
21:15Now, where are they?
21:16I've had the boil mucky standing easy for over an hour.
21:19Ah, well, yes.
21:20I dare say that they've probably met up somewhere for a snifter first.
21:23Yes, quite.
21:24Well, my spotted dick is beginning to wilt.
21:28Look, relax.
21:29Everything will be perfect.
21:31Here they come, ma'am.
21:32I've come to give myself up, sir, and to return Her Majesty's stolen properties.
21:36What?
21:37One blanket, a mess tin, gas mask, pull-through, blanco brush, and a pair of jungle greens.
21:43Stolen properties?
21:44Well, they didn't find their way back into the stores when I got me discharge.
21:48They put the handcuff on me.
21:50Yes.
21:51Oh, get into that kitchen, you Irish oaf.
21:53I think of that as a royal party.
21:57Now, look.
21:58If I don't serve soon, that brown Windsor's going to be black Windsor.
22:02Oh, very well.
22:03We'll start without them, but serve it slowly.
22:06Right, we're off.
22:07This mutton's going to be ruined.
22:08Albert, will you get the soup bowls, and Vicky, you get the soup serving dish, OK?
22:13Have you found them yet?
22:14No.
22:14Oh, that's not terrible.
22:16It says 7.30 quite clearly on the invita...
22:18The invitations.
22:22I thought you'd posted them.
22:24Well, I did.
22:26There was a whole stack of envelopes, and I posted...
22:28I posted the envelopes.
22:31Well, you can't blame yourself if some idiot's going to leave the lid on it.
22:34Ah.
22:35Yeah.
22:35I don't suppose you'd fancy a few choruses of 4 and 20 virgins, would you?
22:45Ah, what have we here?
22:49Ah, well, it's a bit of a surprise.
22:51Or a shock, whichever way you want to look at it.
22:53Now, listen, before you take the lid off, are you two really hungry?
22:58Oh, yes.
22:58Yes.
22:59I mean, hungry enough to eat brown Windsor jolly old trench miles?
23:03Yes.
23:04Yes.
23:05For 30?
23:06What?
23:07Oh, my God.
23:08Oh, Dad, I'm sorry, it's partly my fault, and it's partly Albert's, because it is...
23:12Oh, no, because the lid was over there.
23:13Hello, Robins Nest.
23:15Hang on.
23:17Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, shush, shush, shush.
23:19Sorry, I'm sorry.
23:20What did you say?
23:21I'm sorry.
23:21What?
23:22A table for six.
23:25Ah, yes, well, you're lucky, actually, because tonight we're having what we call munch militaire.
23:31We're starting off with soup tranche mousse, followed by mouton bouillet.
23:38And then to finish off with, we've got, um, spotty dick, spotty dick, um, Richard Pimpley.
23:48That's right, that's right, that's right.
23:49Six.
23:50Very bad.
23:57Speaking of...
Comments