- 17 hours ago
First broadcast 9th March 1978.
Robin searches for the trapdoor to a cellar he's found on council plans.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Michael Redfern - Policeman
Eamonn Boyce - Delivery man
Bella Emberg - Dirty Agnes
Robin searches for the trapdoor to a cellar he's found on council plans.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Michael Redfern - Policeman
Eamonn Boyce - Delivery man
Bella Emberg - Dirty Agnes
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Thank you for listening.
00:30Coffee.
00:54Yeah?
00:56I've been keeping a little check.
00:58Monday night, too tired.
01:01Tuesday, got a headache.
01:03Wednesday, not tonight,
01:05because I'm in the middle of a new recipe.
01:07Thursday night.
01:08You can't complain about Thursday.
01:11I'm not talking about that.
01:13I'm talking about going out.
01:15Oh, I see.
01:15Yes, well, we have got a restaurant to run.
01:18I know we have, but, I mean, it's our night off tonight.
01:21We could do something.
01:23We could go to the cinema.
01:24All right, we'll go to the cinema.
01:25I don't want to go to the cinema.
01:26There's nothing on, locally.
01:29Unless you fancy seeing sex frenzy of the wolf women.
01:32Oh, I'm a leg man.
01:34They're bound to have four, presumably.
01:36Can't we go dancing?
01:38Well, close dancing's coming back.
01:40I've got it on the authority of a T-shirt.
01:41No, I can't do that sort of dancing.
01:43See, I keep quick-quicking when I should be slow-slowing.
01:45Well, I can lead and you can follow.
01:47Listen, if I can't do it forwards,
01:48I certainly can't do it backwards.
01:49All right, no dancing.
01:53We could eat out, then.
01:54We could.
01:55I tell you what, there's this fantastic little bistro in Fulham where...
01:59Oh, it's the owner's night off.
02:01You see, he's got this film he wants to see.
02:03Oh, not sex frenzy of the wolf women.
02:05Come on, we don't have to go to a local one.
02:07There's lots of pictures on.
02:08Oh, that's more like it.
02:09Right, where's the TV times?
02:10You're behaving exactly like a husband.
02:12Here we are.
02:15Sandra Dee and Tab Hunter in a tuneful frolic at a high school prom.
02:20Oh, forget it.
02:21Let's go out.
02:23You would like a romantic evening with your slightest wish anticipated.
02:27Oh, something like that.
02:29All right, you organise it and I'll go along with it.
02:31Exactly like a husband.
02:36There must be something you'd feel like doing tonight.
02:39Anything you like.
02:40Feeding the ducks by torchlight.
02:43Well, it's cheap.
02:44Doesn't take much effort.
02:45No, you'd have to hit them pretty hard with the bread to wake them up.
02:50I thought you said you couldn't dance.
02:52I'm checking the floorboards.
02:54You see, according to plan here, we're supposed to have a cellar here.
02:57Oh, where?
02:58I can't see a cellar.
02:59There, at the top of the building.
03:01You've got it upside down.
03:04Oh, yes.
03:05Where did you get this from?
03:06From the council.
03:06I need it for the fire insurance.
03:07Hey, just think what I could put into a cellar.
03:11Wine.
03:12Beer.
03:13Salt.
03:14Salt.
03:15Salt cellar.
03:17Oh, very good.
03:18Yes, very good.
03:19If that's a wolf woman, let her in.
03:21No, it's my father.
03:22Well, I was near enough, didn't I?
03:23I just popped in to tell you that I...
03:28What's this?
03:30Some sort of fertility, right?
03:33I'm checking to see if it's hollow.
03:35He thinks he has a hollow foot.
03:37No, what I mean is...
03:38No, no, no, no, never mind, never mind.
03:39Victoria, I have a little surprise for you.
03:42Oh?
03:43I've got two tickets for the opening night of Quango Bullfrog.
03:48What?
03:50It's the new African musical, based on Wind of the Willows.
03:52Oh, yes, that's right.
03:53It's opening tonight, isn't it?
03:54Absolutely.
03:56Yes.
03:57Tickets are like gold.
03:59I have two.
04:00Oh, well, that's great.
04:01It's supposed to be a marvellous show.
04:02Well, I can't say I approve of all the changes.
04:05The leading character's name is now Uhuru, not Toad.
04:10Uhuru of Uhuru Hall.
04:13Well, that's the third world for you.
04:15Anyway, it'll be a nice, nice start.
04:17Just what Vicky and I needed.
04:19Just a moment.
04:20Vicky and you?
04:21Yes.
04:22I'm afraid.
04:22I've only got two tickets.
04:24What, you mean Vicky and you?
04:26Right, that's settled then.
04:27Now then, I'll come and pick you up at about six, darling.
04:29Well, no, Dad, I mean, it's really nice of you,
04:30but I don't think I want to go without Robin.
04:33No?
04:34No.
04:35Are you absolutely sure?
04:36Yes.
04:37Sorry.
04:41Well, well, well, what have we here?
04:43I seem to have found a third ticket so we can all go together.
04:46If we must.
04:47Well, if that's your attitude, you can stick it.
04:48Robin, it's got topless stances.
04:50Very well, I accept your apologies.
04:52What?
04:52At least it won't cost me anything.
04:54Yes, it will.
04:54I'll need a new dress.
04:55What?
04:56What do you want with a new dress?
04:58New shoes, new handbags.
04:59I thought you'd never ask.
05:00What?
05:00Oh, I'll stick with a dress.
05:02There's one in that shop in the high road I've seen.
05:04Oh, fine.
05:04I trust you'll make some sort of effort, young man?
05:07I'll go now.
05:07I'll be back about four, all right?
05:08Mm-hmm.
05:09Bye.
05:09Bye, darling.
05:10I'll put on a collar and tie.
05:12How's that?
05:13And trousers.
05:15I wasn't thinking of showing off...
05:16I mean, instead of jeans.
05:19Oh, yes.
05:20This is going to be quite an occasion, you know.
05:22Everybody who is anybody will be there.
05:24Plus you.
05:26I'll be around about six to pick you both up.
05:28Come in.
05:31I have discovered something.
05:33Yes?
05:33We have got a cellar.
05:35I know that.
05:36No, it's here in Blackham.
05:38What?
05:39I've always known we've got a cellar.
05:40Why didn't you tell me?
05:41Because you never asked.
05:42Where is it?
05:43Presumably it's down there.
05:45Where is the trap door?
05:47Ah, ah, yes.
05:49Well, when it was a Chinese takeaway, I believe they used it for growing noodles or something.
05:53Now, let's see.
05:54The trap door was, um, in the kitchen.
06:02I've never seen a trap door in here.
06:04Well, I guess it's under the linoleum somewhere.
06:06It shouldn't be too difficult to find.
06:08Afternoon, sir.
06:09Ah, we haven't trouble with the cockroaches again.
06:11Oh, don't be ridiculous, Riddle.
06:14There's a new dance, Albert.
06:16The cellar stopped.
06:17Isn't that right, sir?
06:18Me Auntie Mary used to be a great one for the dancing.
06:21Marvellous sense of rhythm, but no sense of direction at all.
06:25Stop him now.
06:26We'll be here all night.
06:28Benny's the time she's gone plowing through the show band and straight into the hot pies.
06:33Albert, is the vegetable Van Hilliard?
06:35Not yet, sir, no.
06:36I recall the day she skidded on a patch of brill cream, bounced off Terry Wogan,
06:41Would you like to wait outside for it, please?
06:44Without finishing me story?
06:46Preferably, yes.
06:47As you wish, sir.
06:50She got her foot caught in the trombone.
06:52There was sequence flying everywhere.
06:55Hey, I found, I think I found it.
06:57Ah, good.
06:58Will you have me pull a slider back?
06:59Yes, of course.
07:01Take it easy now.
07:03Steady, steady now.
07:04Don't be careful.
07:04Don't crack it.
07:06That's the way.
07:08Splendid.
07:08Well done.
07:09There we are.
07:10Do you know something?
07:12I don't know what I've done without you.
07:14It was nothing.
07:15Ah, what have we here?
07:19Oh, well, well.
07:20I see Baldwin's having a go at the king.
07:22Yes, but it's a pretty old newspaper.
07:24Yes, I know.
07:26I'd prefer them to today's.
07:28Oh, good Lord.
07:30Teddy Tail.
07:32I used to love him.
07:33Yes.
07:34I see that gin is going up to five and six a bottle.
07:38What is the world coming?
07:40I found it.
07:41What?
07:41Oh, yes.
07:43Give me a hand.
07:44It's a bit stiff.
07:45All right.
07:48Oh, hey.
07:54Hey, look at that.
07:55A real cellar.
07:56Yes, it looks quite sizable.
07:58Shall we go down and have a look?
07:59Oh, why not?
08:01Watch the spiders.
08:03Ah.
08:04Yes.
08:05Well, you go down and have a look and tell me what it's like.
08:09You're not scared of spiders, are you?
08:10No, of course not.
08:12Not even a little bit?
08:14Certainly not.
08:15With her eight wriggly little legs.
08:18Will you stop that?
08:19I am not at all afraid of spiders.
08:21Very well, then come down with me.
08:23I will, I will.
08:23After you.
08:28With her fat, hairy little bodies.
08:29Yes.
08:30Yes.
08:30Yes.
08:40All right.
08:44Okay.
08:45Yeah.
08:46Sorry.
08:46It's okay.
08:46It's okay.
08:47Come on.
08:53Hey.
08:54That's not too bad.
08:56Yeah.
08:57Here's one.
08:58What's that?
09:00A light switch.
09:01Oh.
09:02There we are.
09:03Now we can see them before they drop on us.
09:06Will you stop that?
09:08Oh, leave him alone.
09:10Is that just a bit of fluff?
09:15Hey.
09:16I could do real things with this cellar.
09:19You could fumigate it for a start.
09:20No, no, no.
09:21Wine, wine.
09:21I could store the wine.
09:23Surely that'd be rather a waste of space, wouldn't it?
09:25We'll get some tables in down here,
09:26packing a few more customers.
09:30Underfloor eating.
09:33The ceiling's too low.
09:36Well, it could be the new in place
09:38with a five foot two and under.
09:39No.
09:41You couldn't have a restaurant down here.
09:43See, the place is full of arachniduranei.
09:46Full of what?
09:48Spiders.
09:49Shocking crop of spuds this year.
10:03Huh?
10:03Half of the month, that's all.
10:05Ah, yeah.
10:06Still, we must be thankful for small morpies.
10:09Oh, but...
10:16He must have gone.
10:20It's no good.
10:21I can't budge it at all.
10:22Well, I told you, there's something on top of it.
10:23Don't panic.
10:25Listen, there's absolutely no cause for panic.
10:27I'm not panicking.
10:28Talk to myself.
10:29I suffer for a bit of claustrophobia, see.
10:33Do you really?
10:36Well, well, well.
10:38You feel that the walls and the ceiling are closing in on you.
10:42Don't do that.
10:43Oh, sorry.
10:44Sorry.
10:45Sorry.
10:46Must be awful for you.
10:49Trapped in an enclosed space.
10:54Sorry.
10:55Sorry.
10:55Sorry.
10:56Listen, we could be here till Vicky gets back.
10:59Now, keep calm, young man.
10:59I mean, supposing we run out of air?
11:02I mean, you're breathing it like there's no tomorrow.
11:03Take it easy.
11:05Look at the state of that nose.
11:06I mean, you're sucking it up like a vacuum cleaner.
11:10Will you please pull yourself together, young man?
11:13Oh, heavens.
11:15Now, Victoria will be back at about four o'clock.
11:18So there's absolutely no point in shutting.
11:21I'm sorry.
11:22Sorry.
11:22I'm sorry.
11:23You're right.
11:23Yes.
11:29I spy with my little eye
11:33what something beginning with W?
11:38Walls.
11:40Your turn.
11:43I spy with my little eye
11:48something beginning with S.
11:54Yes.
11:55Hmm.
11:59Oh, well, well, well, where is it?
12:02What?
12:03Shoulder.
12:04Hello, Albert.
12:16Oh, hello, miss.
12:17I was just waiting to tell you
12:19that the vegetables have been delivered
12:20and I've locked up.
12:22Oh, fine.
12:22So I could be off to the library now
12:24if they hadn't banned me
12:26for drying my socks on the radiator.
12:29Oh.
12:30Would you like to come up for a nice quick cup of tea?
12:32Oh, I couldn't put you to the trouble
12:33of making a cup of tea, miss.
12:35Oh, no, no.
12:36Would you have a drop of rum?
12:41Oh.
12:41I spy with my little eye.
12:48Oh, I think we've done them all.
12:50We haven't done trousers.
12:51Something beginning with tea.
12:53Trousers.
12:53Yes.
12:57Oh, this is boring.
12:58Boring.
13:00What did you do to sort of pass the time
13:02in the trenches, you know, during the war?
13:05Passchendaele, the Somme, you know.
13:10I was not in the First World War.
13:14No.
13:14I was in the Second World War.
13:19Just.
13:23I remember
13:24we were pinned down
13:27just outside Salerno.
13:30Twenty men
13:31and myself, the only officer.
13:34We were trapped by a shell fire.
13:36I knew I had to do something
13:39to lift the men's morale.
13:45So I started to sing.
13:48Softly at first
13:50and then gradually louder
13:51as the men joined in.
13:56Underneath the lamplight
13:58No wonder the Italians surrendered.
14:10I'm sorry.
14:11No, I'm sorry.
14:11Sorry.
14:12No, no.
14:13It must have been...
14:15It must have been a very emotional...
14:21A few moments after that
14:23I got a bullet in the leg.
14:26Now, that's not fair
14:27because your singing is not that bad.
14:38Underneath the lamplight
14:39By the barrel
14:41Bridgegate
14:41Shut up.
14:42Sorry, sorry.
14:45What time is it?
14:47Ten past.
14:49Ten past four.
14:51Victoria, she ought to be home by now.
14:54Victoria!
14:55I've just had a thought, yes.
14:57Supposing she comes in the side door
14:59and goes straight upstairs to the flat.
15:01Victoria!
15:06Here we are, Albert.
15:07Not too much, is there?
15:08Oh, no, miss, no.
15:09And if it is,
15:10I'll drink a bit
15:11so there'll be less.
15:14Well, I'd better start
15:15getting ready for the theatre.
15:17And now me Uncle Michael
15:18was in the theatre.
15:20The Ballymucky Repertory Company.
15:21He once played that fella
15:24God, what's his name?
15:26Macbeth
15:26in Hamlet.
15:29Macbeth?
15:30In Hamlet.
15:31He got drunk
15:32and turned up on the wrong night.
15:35You see, he was very good, mind.
15:37Yeah.
15:38Have you seen any sign of Robin?
15:39Not for a while.
15:41I was telling him the story
15:42about me Auntie Mary.
15:43He really ought to be here.
15:44Ah, not to worry.
15:45I can tell him later.
15:47She was a great one
15:48for the dancing, you see.
15:49Did he say where he was going?
15:50No, miss, no.
15:52Marvellous sense of rhythm,
15:53but my...
15:53Yes, I know, Albert.
15:54Straight through the show band
15:55and into the hot pies.
15:57I didn't know you knew
15:58me Auntie Mary.
16:01Vicky!
16:03Vicky!
16:04Ah, it's no good.
16:06He can't hear you.
16:08There's only one thing to do.
16:11I spy with my little eyes.
16:13No.
16:13Look at that.
16:15This.
16:16Now then,
16:18where does this lead to?
16:19To the boiler.
16:21The other end.
16:23Oh, sorry, sorry.
16:23But it most probably
16:24goes up to the flat
16:25and then...
16:25Exactly.
16:26So, if one of us
16:27were to put our head
16:28inside the oven
16:28and then shout,
16:30she might hear us.
16:31Good luck.
16:32I'm not putting my head in there.
16:34I'm terrified of enclosed spaces.
16:37I see.
16:40Be careful of the spiders.
16:41No, that's all right.
16:46It's quite clear.
16:52Hello?
16:55Hello?
16:59Victoria?
16:59Good grief.
17:20Do you know,
17:21it never struck me before,
17:22but...
17:22Do you know,
17:24you've got a remarkable resemblance
17:25to Sidney Poitier?
17:32If Robin doesn't get back soon,
17:33we're going to miss the opening curtains.
17:35Ah, now,
17:35that's a pretty dress, miss.
17:37My lady friend's got one
17:39just like that.
17:41Dirty Agnes
17:41from the bombsite.
17:42She has?
17:45Oh, exactly the same.
17:46Only with long sleeves
17:48and a flyaway collar.
17:50It shouldn't fly away,
17:51but the safety pins
17:52keep coming undone.
17:55Yes, well,
17:56you've got some very
17:56colourful friends, Albert.
17:58Well, she looks up to me
17:59and there's not many do that.
18:02No.
18:02I mean, yes.
18:03I mean...
18:05Oh, Albert,
18:05what time do you make it?
18:07Let me see.
18:08It's, um...
18:10It's half past
18:11something or other.
18:13Only it's got a hand, miss.
18:15Yes.
18:16We're going to be late.
18:19Coal.
18:20See?
18:20Coal.
18:21Now,
18:21what does that suggest to you?
18:24Oh, King.
18:27We're not...
18:28This is not a game.
18:29Now,
18:29if there is coal down here,
18:31then there must be a coal hole.
18:32An exit.
18:33You mean another way out.
18:35Yes.
18:40Ah,
18:41and there it is.
18:43Oh,
18:44um...
18:45Yes.
18:49Right.
18:50Up you go.
18:51Why me?
18:52Because I and Larson
18:53too well-built,
18:54you, being fashionably scrawny,
18:56will easily make it.
18:57You too can look like Sidney Poitier.
19:02Now,
19:02get a move.
19:03We'll be here all weekend.
19:05That's the way.
19:06Take it easy.
19:07It's 30 years ago.
19:08Oh,
19:09do hurry up.
19:10Those tickets cost me
19:11four quid each,
19:12you know.
19:12Yeah,
19:13right.
19:13Oh,
19:13and one other thing.
19:15Yeah?
19:16Try not to think about
19:17your claustrophobia.
19:18Yeah.
19:18Oh,
19:19and one other thing.
19:19Yeah?
19:20Try not to think about your claustrophobia.
19:21Oh,
19:21and one other thing.
19:21Oh,
19:22and one other thing.
19:22Oh,
19:23and one other thing.
19:23Oh,
19:23and one other thing.
19:24Oh,
19:24and one other thing.
19:25Oh,
19:25and one other thing.
19:26Oh,
19:26and one other thing.
19:27Oh,
19:27and one other thing.
19:27Oh,
19:28and one other thing.
19:28Oh,
19:29and one other thing.
19:29Oh,
19:30and one other thing.
19:30Oh,
19:31and one other thing.
19:31Oh,
19:32and one other thing.
19:32Oh,
19:33and one other thing.
19:33Oh,
19:34and one other thing.
19:34Oh,
19:35and one other thing.
19:35Oh,
19:36and one other thing.
19:36Oh,
19:37and one other thing.
19:38Oh,
19:39and one other thing.
19:40Oh,
19:41and one other thing.
19:42Oh, good evening.
20:12All right, all right.
20:19I'm sorry, Si, I'd say we're closed.
20:21It's me.
20:22Robbie.
20:23This person claims it your name, miss.
20:26Well, I thought I did.
20:27Look, it's not an offence to climb out of your own coal hole.
20:30It might be. I've never come across it before.
20:33Why did you climb down the coal hole?
20:34I wasn't. I was climbing up it.
20:36Then Mr. Plod here came up.
20:37Oh, yes, well, I'm sure we can sort this sort of thing out.
20:41Right now, we've got free tickets for the theatre.
20:43Oh, that's very nice of you, miss, but I'm afraid I'm on duty till midnight.
20:46Not you.
20:48It's for me, for her, her father.
20:50Your father's still in the cellar.
20:51What?
20:52On the other hand, I am free tomorrow night.
20:55Pardon?
20:55What on earth took you so long?
20:58Well, you see, there was this policeman.
21:01He thought I was an illegal immigrant.
21:03Now, be fair, miss.
21:04He did look like a vagrant.
21:06Yes.
21:06However, since you vouch for him, then there's no fun.
21:08I do.
21:09Now, look here, Constable.
21:10Do you vouch for this one as well?
21:12Yes.
21:14All right, then.
21:14Well, I'll bid you goodnight, miss.
21:16Goodnight, sooty.
21:19Oh, goodnight, sweet.
21:21What happened?
21:25We were stuck in the cellar.
21:27He started singing.
21:29It was hell down there.
21:31We're never going to make it to the theatre now.
21:32Oh, yes, yes, yes.
21:33Of course we will.
21:34It'll only take me a few minutes to dash home, shave and change.
21:37You do try and do something to him, will you?
21:39I'll be as quick as I possibly can.
21:40How on earth did you get stuck in the cellar?
21:42Oh, no.
21:47Someone left the lid off the coal hole.
21:51Oh, come on, Vicky.
21:59It could have been worse.
22:01It was on his toe.
22:04It wasn't even his little piggy wee that went to market.
22:07It was on and went wee-wee-wee-wee-wee all the way up.
22:11Actually, it was lucky for him.
22:12His wallet cushioned his fall.
22:13It is not funny.
22:14No, you're right, you're right.
22:15As soon as we've got him home, we can still catch sex frenzy of the wolf woman.
22:20Oh, maybe not.
22:21Be careful, now.
22:24Be careful, dammit.
22:26I am a private patient.
22:27How is it, sir?
22:29Oh, Victoria.
22:30Oh, no, no, no.
22:32You shouldn't have waited.
22:33You see, he agrees with me.
22:34Oh, be quiet.
22:35It'll be all right in a few weeks.
22:38Oh, it's just a small bone in the little toe.
22:42Oh, so you will be able to play the violin again.
22:44What kind of future have you got with a man who is always climbing out of coal holes and leaving the lids off?
22:52You can't really blame Robin, Dad.
22:54Thank you very much.
22:55It's about time to...
22:55Oh, shut up.
22:56It's all your fault.
22:57Darling, I'm sorry.
22:58I've ruined your evening.
23:00You could have gone to the theatre without me and abandoned me.
23:05Well, not really.
23:07Anyway, I gave the tickets to somebody who could use them.
23:10Oh, did you?
23:11Who?
23:13I know the two pockets.
23:19Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
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