- 3 minutes ago
First broadcast 29th January 1980.
Albert returns to his old job when the wheels fall off of his own business.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Peggy Aitchison - Gertrude
Barbara Murray - Marion Nicholls
Ray Barron - Van Driver
Albert returns to his old job when the wheels fall off of his own business.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Peggy Aitchison - Gertrude
Barbara Murray - Marion Nicholls
Ray Barron - Van Driver
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I don't know.
00:43Uh, Mr. Nichols, don't you think this is a rather dangerous place to farm?
00:57Don't you like it then, Mr. Nichols?
01:00Oh, yes, Albert, it's lovely, just that, well, I think Dad pictured something a little bit different.
01:06Oh.
01:07Well, I mean, look at it, Riddle. I mean, it isn't even safe. It could easily roll off the road.
01:12No, no, it can't. I've got this under the wheel.
01:18You see, this is not so.
01:33Well, as I would say,
01:50I was saying, this is what stops it.
01:55Yes, that'll be fine.
01:57Table for four, 8.15.
01:59Right, thank you. Bye.
02:05Oh, Albert, you're not still pining about your snack bar, are you?
02:09Just think what a picnic you gave the wildlife of Watford.
02:14With your sausage butties.
02:17Well, there might have been just sausage butties to you, but I put a bit of meself into every one
02:21of them.
02:22It could have made me rich. I was well on me way to making me first 3,000.
02:27Pints.
02:27Sausage butties.
02:29It was walk, walk, walk.
02:31I know how you feel, Albert.
02:32Ah, we're both fellow sufferers.
02:34Yeah, you can say that again.
02:35We're both fellow sufferers.
02:38When did you first realise you were doomed to be a failure, Mr. Tripp?
02:42Oh, no, Albert. I think what Robin meant was he's a bit cheesed off as well.
02:47After all these years, I'll just have to face the fact I'm never going to be a multi-millionaire tycoon
02:53after all.
02:54No, Albert, but you could try being the right-hand man of a cheesed-off failure of a restaurateur.
02:58Oh, if you'll offer me me old job back, Mr. Tripp, I'll have to think about that very carefully indeed.
03:07Okay.
03:07I'll take it.
03:11He's not going to start infringing on my preservations, is he?
03:17We need both of you now.
03:20Oh, you do look tired, Mrs. T.
03:22I am a bit.
03:23Then it's a girl.
03:25My old mum said that yawning and feeling tired all the time was definitely the sign of a little girl.
03:32Or it could definitely be the sign of a restless husband.
03:36Do you know, he woke up in the night last night, tossing and turning, having sympathetic labour pains.
03:41Miss T. Tripp?
03:43Yes.
03:43I've heard of sympathetic labour pains, but he's three months ahead of me.
03:48Vicky, they were not sympathetic labour pains, indigestion.
03:52You see, Vicky cooked supper last night, ham omelettes.
03:55Oh, you shouldn't have got indigestion from that.
03:58With chocolate sauce?
03:59Mmm.
04:00He's just worried because we haven't found a house yet with a baby coming.
04:03Ah, you don't want to worry about that, Mr. Tripp.
04:06Sure, me mummy and me daddy brought me and me eleven sisters and brothers up in the one little room.
04:11And look at me.
04:14Oh, I'll get him.
04:17Ah, Mrs. Tripp.
04:18Oh, no, that's not for me, dear.
04:20I'm old enough to be a granny.
04:23Well, almost.
04:25I missed it, but I'm afraid there's been a mistake.
04:28Yeah, well, that's what they all say, love.
04:31If it wasn't for all those little mistakes, sir, I'd be out of a job.
04:34No, no, no, no.
04:34What I mean is, I didn't order it.
04:37Who sent that?
04:37Er, no idea, sir, but it's all bought and paid for.
04:40Er, would you sign that?
04:41No, no, Vicky, don't sign anything.
04:42Why not?
04:43It's a gorgeous pram.
04:44Pram?
04:45It's more like a mobile home.
04:47Oh, it's very grand.
04:49It's just like what you see them young nannies pushing in the park with the pink cheeks and the woolly
04:54tights.
04:56Are you talking about the nannies or the babies, are you?
04:59Oh, Robin, can't you just see the baby in it?
05:01I can see the three of us in it.
05:03It's on the other side, Robin, hasn't you?
05:04Oh, well, it's ungrateful not to accept a present, so I'll sign.
05:08That's it, love.
05:09Never look a gift pram in the mouth.
05:10That's what I always say.
05:13Yeah, well, if you don't want it, you can always get your money back.
05:16How much did it cost?
05:17£200.
05:18I'll sign.
05:20Thank you very much.
05:21Bye.
05:23Good day.
05:24Bye.
05:25Right, now, what we'll do, we'll take it straight back to the shop and we'll swap it for a five
05:28-speed automatic blender.
05:29Oh, great.
05:30We'll the baby round in an orange box.
05:32Good thinking.
05:33Have we got an orange box?
05:35Seriously, who do we know is generous enough and mad enough to spend 200 quid on a pram?
05:42Good morning.
05:44Well, he's mad enough, yes.
05:47Good Lord, what's that?
05:49The QE2 on wheels.
05:50What, you mean you didn't buy it?
05:53£200?
05:54Why, you could buy 40 bottles of scotch for that.
05:57I don't think you did buy it.
05:58Oh, there's something else coming now.
06:00It's a taxi and there's a lady getting out of it and she's wearing a full-length box fur coat
06:08with matching accessories.
06:10All right, Judith Chalmers, that'll do.
06:12Who is it?
06:12Who is it?
06:15It's a relative of Robin's.
06:17Not his mother.
06:18No, Dad.
06:19Oh.
06:19Mine.
06:20What?
06:21The stainless steel woman?
06:24Hello, James.
06:26Vicky, darling.
06:28Robert?
06:30This calls for an anaesthetic.
06:32Oh, Mum.
06:33What are you doing in England?
06:34Why didn't you tell us you were coming?
06:36Well, I always think surprises are so much more fun, don't you, James?
06:39Oh, absolutely.
06:41I've not had such a delightful surprise since my golf club was struck by lightning.
06:46Good, I see it's arrived.
06:48You sent it.
06:49A little present from Pedro and me.
06:51Oh, Mum, thank you.
06:53It's lovely.
06:53That was very generous of him, seeing we haven't even met.
06:56Well, actually, we went 50-50 on it.
06:58I chose it, he paid.
07:01Remarkable.
07:02Five years with you, and he's still got money left.
07:05Can you introduce me to your mind, Lord dear?
07:07Oh, yes, sorry.
07:08Gertrude, this is, well, it's Pedro's piece.
07:12Yes, Pedro.
07:15Mrs Nicholls?
07:16Gertrude.
07:17I feel I know you already, like one of me own.
07:20Really?
07:20Oh, yes.
07:22You've got no secrets from me, have you?
07:25Not after nearly seven years.
07:28Gertrude is my daily.
07:30I see.
07:31Daily what?
07:32Oh, look after his little bits and pieces.
07:37And I'm helping out here now as well.
07:40Good.
07:41Quite a treasure, in fact.
07:43Yes, yes.
07:44I sometimes wish somebody would bury her.
07:47I wouldn't say I'm indisposable, but I don't know how they'd do without me.
07:52Neither do we, Gertrude, but that's where we just sort of try it for five minutes, could we?
07:55A cup of coffee would be nice, Gertrude.
07:58I'll put the kettle on.
07:59I must say, you look much younger than what Mr Nicholls said you were.
08:06It must be that cold porridge she puts on her face of a night.
08:11She's wonderful for her age, isn't she?
08:14Gertrude, Gertrude, just coffee, please, thank you.
08:17Ah, yes, and you remember Albert, don't you?
08:20No.
08:21Well, I have just this morning rejoined the staff of this establishment.
08:25After the sad failure of my own business endeavour.
08:28What happened?
08:29The wheels came off me wagon.
08:32How unfortunate.
08:34Well, now, let's look at you.
08:37Mm-hmm.
08:38Just as I thought.
08:40Pallid, haggard, putting on weight.
08:43Oh, Mum, I am pregnant.
08:45I was talking about your father, dear.
08:47You're looking radiant.
08:49I'm fine.
08:50Just a bit tired.
08:51Ah, well, then that settles it.
08:53I shall spend my whole week here and take care of you.
08:57But, Marion, she doesn't need taking care of you.
08:59Ah, well, I would have expected you to say something like that, James.
09:03The only pregnant female I've ever seen you make a fuss of won the Phillies race at Newmarket.
09:09Yes, I've always thought that if I had four legs instead of two, I'd still be married to your father.
09:15Well, I am married, Mum, and it's very sweet of you, but I've got a husband to look after me.
09:19Well, of course you have, darling.
09:22But he's got to take care of the bistro, haven't you, Roger?
09:27Mr. Nichols, I can assure you that I'm perfectly capable of running the restaurant and looking after Vicky.
09:32In fact, in between Roger, Ronald, and myself, you couldn't find three fitter young men.
09:38Well, I still say we should exchange it for a five-speed automatic blender.
09:42Robin, the pram is stained.
09:44And what's more, Mum's taking us out tomorrow to get some more things we need.
09:48Oh, great. Let's have a thermostatically controlled deep-fat fryer.
09:52Baby.
09:53Do you know, in China, women just have their babies in the nearest paddy field.
09:56Oh, well, I'm sorry that there isn't a paddy field handy.
10:00I'll see if I can book a space in the station car park if you like.
10:03Oh, Vicky, you know what I mean.
10:05I mean, all a baby needs is a full bottle one end and a clean nappy the other.
10:09Oh, Mrs. Robin, don't you want your child to have nice things?
10:12Well, of course I do, but that doesn't include a gold-plated monogram potty.
10:16Oh, really?
10:16No, come on. Look, I'm not in all this flash nonsense,
10:19and neither were you until your mother started taking over with her mink-trimmed ideas.
10:23That is absolutely untrue. Mum doesn't take over.
10:27I know that some mothers are bossy and domineering, but my mother certainly isn't one of them.
10:37Now, no more prevaricating, James. Just do as I tell you.
10:41There's nothing to be embarrassed about. After all, we were married for 20 years.
10:46I refuse to do it in front of Riddle.
10:48I expect Albert is a man of the world. I'd expect you've seen that sort of thing before.
10:53Now, no more stalling, James. You are at least a stoner.
10:59Rubbish.
11:00You forget?
11:01I know every inch of that flab, intimately.
11:06What's going on, Mum?
11:07You too, darling.
11:09When a woman is pregnant, she owes it to herself to stay fit and healthy.
11:14You next, Roger.
11:16Well, there's no flab on me.
11:18Hit me!
11:26Us Riddles is all bit like whippets. You'll never find a Riddle with an ounce of fat on them.
11:33Fascinating.
11:34Swallow this. Come on, James.
11:36Not on your life.
11:37Look, it is a new kind of vitamin pill.
11:41Pedro swears by it. That's why he's always so fit.
11:44Well, I am extremely fit, as it happens. In fact, I am at the peak of physical fitness.
11:49Really?
11:51Can you...
11:57Pedro can.
12:06Splendid.
12:07By the time this baby is born, we'll have you the friskiest granddad in the pension queue.
12:13Oh, sorry. The baby's not due for another three months.
12:16Three and a half months. Now, you swallow this. Then we can arrange our diet and start our exercises.
12:22Three and a half months, Marion, but you said you were only going to be here for a week.
12:25Oh, that's perfectly all right. I've spoken to Pedro. He understands completely.
12:30A daughter needs her mother at a time like this.
12:35LAUGHTER
12:45Hasn't your mother arrived yet?
12:47No, she's terribly late again.
12:49Yeah, let's hope our little one doesn't take after her.
12:51Oh, I can't wait to have a baby.
12:54Oh, well, I'll remind you of that when they wheel me into the labour world.
12:57Oh, no, you don't.
12:59Yeah, of course I do.
13:00What for?
13:00Because it's a very beautiful experience which every father should share.
13:04I bet your father didn't.
13:05No, well, that was because Mum didn't want him there.
13:07She said in all her married life he'd never seen her without her false eyelashes and he wasn't going to
13:11start now.
13:13Now, come along, you two. We haven't got all day, you know. Do you like it?
13:18Oh, yes, Mum. I mean, it's absolutely lovely, but we couldn't possibly have it.
13:23Why not? Pedro can afford it. He'll just have to catch some more sardines.
13:27I mean, it's the size.
13:29You mean the crib wouldn't fit into the bedroom?
13:31I mean, the bedroom would fit into the crib.
13:34Oh, well, you're looking for a larger place, aren't you?
13:37Do you think there's room for it, Rodney?
13:40Oh, absolutely. Definitely.
13:41And we will chuck everything else out if we have to.
13:43Rodney, really? Well, I agree with you. It's fantastic.
13:46But, I mean, we've got to be sensible. What about the bed?
13:49No, we wouldn't keep it in the bedroom.
13:50Well, where would we keep it?
13:53We'd keep it in the kitchen, in between the sink and the cooker.
14:05He's not drunk his carrot juice again.
14:09Doesn't seem to be doing him a lot of good, does it?
14:12Well, it won't, will it, if he's not drinking it?
14:16He's going through a bad time. Perhaps it is age.
14:20I woke up in the middle of the night, sweating, trembling and weak.
14:25The whole thing came back to me vividly.
14:28Oh, the battles, the noise, the pain.
14:31When you were a soldier?
14:32No, my boy, when I was a husband.
14:36Of course, I can't deny that Marion is still a very attractive woman.
14:39And she is, definitely, yes.
14:42In spite of her split ends.
14:46That one's much too bossy for any man.
14:49But she comes back here, snaps her elastic,
14:51and in no time at all I'm swigging carrot juice and popping vitamin pills,
14:56just as if the blessed words decree absolute had never been spoken.
15:03Mr. Nickles needs is the love of a good woman.
15:06A real woman.
15:07Not one of them bits of stuff that leaves their Lorix leotards
15:12draped all over his rubber plant.
15:20Someone feminine, docile, melting.
15:25Mature, experienced, understanding.
15:29Someone to share your bedtime cocoa with.
15:32And cuddle up to on a cold night.
15:36Mr. Nickles doesn't drink cocoa.
15:40I know you do.
15:46Oh, I don't know.
15:47I mean, you know, why don't we just sort of move into Harrods?
15:51Robin, I've told you, they need lots of clothes.
15:54They're forever getting messed up.
15:56The trouble is with you, you don't know a thing about babies.
15:58What?
15:59Me?
16:01Nanning McTripp?
16:02Don't know a wee thing about little wee bounce.
16:04Who do you think taught Dr. Spock, eh?
16:07Hello wee Timothy, and how are we this morning?
16:09Have we changed our nupia yet?
16:10Oh, I see, no, we haven't.
16:12Oh, dirty wee mate, and him 21 next week.
16:15Oh, Angie, Angie.
16:17Are we still having trouble with Angie during the nights?
16:19Now, you've got to make sure that she's warm, comfy, and dry.
16:21And if that doesn't work, give her a large whiskey and a cow and get it too.
16:25Oh, I married an idiot.
16:27Oh, how can I be an idiot?
16:29I married you.
16:30Oh.
16:31Oh, I've got what every man wants.
16:33Oh.
16:34A rich mother-in-law.
16:36Why don't you start spending her money on the right things?
16:40Oh, come on.
16:40Oh.
16:45Well, never thought of getting married again, James?
16:49Only when drunk.
16:52Thought about it quite often, then.
16:55No man puts his head into the lion's mouth twice.
16:59Unless, of course, he happens to have two heads.
17:02I don't know why you persist in this fiction that our marriage was such a disaster.
17:08Well, I suppose there have been worse.
17:11Oh.
17:11Sinking of the Titanic.
17:14San Francisco earthquake.
17:16You know, James, you need someone to look after you.
17:21Gertrude does all that is necessary, thank you.
17:23Ah, yes.
17:24She looks after all your little bits and pieces.
17:29Why this sudden concern for my happiness?
17:31Well, I feel a certain sense of responsibility towards you, James.
17:35You didn't when we were married?
17:36Yes, well, I had a reason for that.
17:38Oh?
17:38Well, what?
17:40You were such a pig.
17:42Now, look here, Marion.
17:44You find yourself the most generous, kind and loving husband a woman could possibly hope for.
17:49Yes, that's right, I did.
17:51What a pity he turned out to be married to Penelope Castor's.
17:56Penelope Castor?
17:57Do you mean that you and Antony...
17:59Antony was a great comfort to me.
18:02You were always away on your fishing trips.
18:04Well, you could have come, too.
18:06I did once.
18:07I got a damp bottom, 11 gnat bites, and a maggot in the smoked salmon pate.
18:15You and Antony.
18:16And he was supposed to be my best friend.
18:18Marion, how could you do it?
18:20I had a great deal of difficulty, actually.
18:22Penelope was always away visiting her sick aunt in Margate.
18:27Bognor, actually.
18:29Anyway, Antony said she was completely frigid.
18:33She wasn't in Bognor.
18:37Do you mean to say that you and Penelope...
18:40Ha!
18:44After I felt guilty all these years, Penelope, my best friend...
18:50I bet you didn't mind getting her bottom damp.
18:58Anyway, how is old Sardine Sid?
19:02Marion?
19:03Marion, what's wrong?
19:05Marion, I can tell there's something wrong.
19:07You stopped talking.
19:09Ha!
19:17Never mind, Mum.
19:18You'll feel much better once you get into that Portuguese sunshine.
19:22For you, Marion.
19:24Oh, James.
19:25How sweet of you.
19:27Are you going to test me or launch me?
19:30No, darling, I thought we'd drink to absent friends.
19:33Antony and Penelope.
19:34She might have been frigid in Fulham, but she wasn't all that brilliant in Bognor.
19:39Do you know how many calories there are in that champagne, James?
19:42Yes, dear, I do.
19:45And I know the best use to put them to.
19:49Tell me...
19:50Can Sardine Sid...
19:53Can Sardine Sid...
19:58I can.
20:01James, I detect a certain coarse streak that was certainly not there when we were married.
20:08Unfortunately.
20:11Well, cheers, cheers.
20:13Cheers, cheers, cheers.
20:19Well, she's off again.
20:21It's him I feel sorry for.
20:23The loneliness is a terrible thing.
20:26Yes, it upsets me to see it in a man.
20:30Especially with being in close daily contact like what we are.
20:34And there's me thinking you hadn't noticed.
20:37A mature woman can always sense the heartache behind the manly smile.
20:44The manly smile, ah, yes.
20:46Well, you have to put a bit of a front arm.
20:49That's what I admire, the strength.
20:52Well, does not many have it?
20:57But it's no use if me love is all one-sided.
21:02Oh, but it's not, Mrs. Pym.
21:04I can assure you they are reciprocations most warmly.
21:08Definitely, yes.
21:09Oh, fancy.
21:10It's only recent, mind.
21:13When was it?
21:14When did it happen?
21:16When was that first magic moment when he looked at me and saw me as a woman?
21:22What?
21:23Who?
21:25Mr. Nichols.
21:26I'm not talking about Mr. Nichols, I'm not talking about me.
21:29Mrs. Pym, Dertrude, would you do me the honour of coming out with me tonight?
21:37Oh.
21:40Oh, well.
21:42There's a good bingo on down at the Regal.
21:46Isn't passion the devil?
21:55Delivery for trip.
21:56Ah, yes.
21:57One last little thing I simply couldn't resist.
22:00Yeah, well, I shall need a hand to get it in.
22:02I thought you said it was a little thing.
22:05Watch it, darling.
22:06Hello.
22:07Do you mind?
22:08You're talking to my young lady.
22:11Well, James, if you're ready.
22:13Oh, thank you.
22:14Goodbye, darling.
22:16Bye-bye, Mummy.
22:17Give my regards to Pedro, and thank you again to all the wonderful presents.
22:22My pleasure, darling.
22:24Oh, Robin.
22:26Roger.
22:26Oh, Robin.
22:28Yes.
22:29Robin, dear.
22:30If you want to swap Dobbin here in for a fully automatic five-speed blender or a deep fat fryer,
22:38I shan't mind one bit.
22:40Bye.
22:41See you all at the christening.
22:43Yes.
22:43Bye-bye, Mum.
22:45Well, as problem parents go, they're quite sweet, aren't they?
22:52Well, I hope you're happy.
22:53Hmm?
22:54You heard what Mum said.
22:56Have you decided what bit of equipment you're going to swap him for?
22:59Well, you know what they say, never look a gift horse in the mouth.
23:05Well, Bess, which way?
23:07London or Bristol?
23:19Come on, what did Paramount ever do for you, eh?
23:21I'll be right back.
23:22Well, we're going to do this.
23:22Well, from the next 7th, I asked you before the show.
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