- 4 hours ago
First broadcast 5th February 1980.
Mr. Nicholls announces that the new woman in his life is an estate agent.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Peggy Aitchison - Gertrude
Anna Dawson - Atalanta
Eddy May Scandrett - Saleslady
Mr. Nicholls announces that the new woman in his life is an estate agent.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Peggy Aitchison - Gertrude
Anna Dawson - Atalanta
Eddy May Scandrett - Saleslady
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:04Poo, Poo, Poo, Poo, Poo, Poo.
00:59Oh, Sikor, Sikor, Sikor.
01:03Why don't you just say help, help like everybody else?
01:06Because you don't take any notice of me.
01:07I'm not taking any notice of you now.
01:09I bet Robert Carrier didn't go around saying,
01:11Oh, Sikor, Oh, Sikor, or even help, help.
01:14Yeah, well, Robert Carrier's most probably got 150,000 minions.
01:18And where are mine?
01:19What?
01:19Albert.
01:20Oh, he's at the crocidus with his bunion.
01:22That's terrific, isn't it?
01:23A minion with a bunion.
01:25Where have you been?
01:26I've been speaking to Pranella.
01:28She's expecting about the same time as I am.
01:31Peter's just bought her a gorgeous white feather boa.
01:34Yeah, there's a sack of spuds there, Lee, Pringham.
01:37He says a woman needs to feel cherished and glamorous at a time like this, doesn't she?
01:43Oh, yes, definitely.
01:44Now, listen, Vicky, if you don't want to peel the spuds, you don't have to.
01:47Start mincing the pig's liver.
01:49Stuff the pig's liver.
01:51That's exactly what I'm doing.
01:52Chou facie à la mode de grâce.
01:54Robert, what did I just say to you?
01:57Uh, you just said that a woman likes to feel, uh, um...
02:02Cherished and glamorous at a time like this.
02:04That's right.
02:05Now, listen, when you've done the pig's liver, then you can start peeling the spuds, all right?
02:09So, at a time like what?
02:10When she's waddling around like a baby whale.
02:13A very fat baby whale.
02:15Oh, I see.
02:16Well, I mean, how can you look glamorous waddling around like a baby whale?
02:19You can if you're wearing a gorgeous white feather boa.
02:25Good morning, darling.
02:26How are you?
02:28Eh, Tripp.
02:29Eh, Nichols.
02:31I mean, just because a woman's pregnant, it doesn't mean to say she's not feminine.
02:35I should have thought it meant you were.
02:37And seductive.
02:38And glamorous.
02:38Look, Vicky, of course you're seductive and glamorous, but can't you be seductive and glamorous while you're mincing the pig's
02:43liver?
02:44Oh, looks like a busy night tonight.
02:46Yeah, standing room only.
02:47Well, I shall be bringing along a very charming girl called Atalanta to dinner, and I shall want an intimate
02:51table for two.
02:52Sorry.
02:54Don't be ridiculous.
02:55I'm a partner in this place.
02:57Good.
02:58Then will you mince the liver, please?
03:00I'm sorry, Dad, but we're full.
03:02And we've got a special party you want making a fuss of.
03:05Well, I want to be made a fuss of.
03:07We'll go to Enrico's.
03:08He knows how to make a fuss of you, dear.
03:10Enrico's food tastes like boiled Brillo pads.
03:13Yes, at least the lighting's like Dracula's Cave.
03:15She won't be able to see your facelift.
03:17He hasn't had a facelift.
03:18She won't be able to see that either.
03:20Look, surely you can squeeze this in.
03:22I've told Atalanta so much about your sweetbreads.
03:25No, I'm sorry.
03:26You'll just have to turn her on with your boiled Brillo pads that Enrico does.
03:29It'll be rather nice.
03:30Atalanta?
03:31Oh, Dad, where do you find them?
03:33He doesn't find them.
03:34He hires them from Rent-A-Slag.
03:39Atalanta is a very intelligent woman, as it happens.
03:42You have to be to sell property.
03:44Sell property?
03:45You mean this one works for an estate agent?
03:48She is an estate agent.
03:51A table for two, sir, 8.30.
03:53I'll have the Dom Perignon on ice.
03:55And how does she like her sweetbreads?
03:57This wouldn't be because you hoped that Atalanta might help you to find a house, would it?
04:01Mon Dieu.
04:02Mon, mon Dieu.
04:03She's an estate agent.
04:04What a brilliant idea.
04:05Why didn't I think of that?
04:13Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, don't tell me.
04:15I know the face, but, um...
04:17No, no, I'm lucky to be back at all, Mr. Tripp.
04:20He said in all his born days he had never seen one the size of it.
04:24He said, be right, it should be in the Guinness Book of Records.
04:28Would you care to take a peek at it?
04:30No, thank you.
04:31Go on, go to tell Miss Ball's board.
04:33I've got no wish to be on intimate terms with Mr. Riddle's bunion.
04:37If I want to look at a bunion, I've got bunions of me own.
04:43I thought you two were getting to be quite a cosy twosome lately.
04:47Enough is enough, dear.
04:48Also, older women don't like to be took for granted.
04:52Well, us younger women don't get much of a kick out of it either.
04:55There you are, darling.
04:57Oh, lovely, Dad.
04:58At least you treat me like a female.
05:00Well, of course I do.
05:02Put the kettle on.
05:04And when you've done that...
05:05And when you've done that, you can arrange those for my table.
05:08Oh, they're for tonight?
05:09Of course they are, darling, yes.
05:11I'm just on my way to buy Atalanta a present.
05:13And I'm trying to think of something really special.
05:16You know, tonight is going to be a very important occasion for me.
05:20Incidentally, Tripp,
05:21I shall, uh...
05:22I shall collect service par excellence.
05:25Monsieur, I shall attend to your hormone injections personally.
05:32Oh, darling, in Atalanta I have finally found the ideal woman.
05:35Oh, Dad, do you mean you're going to ask her to marry you?
05:39Not precisely, no.
05:41What, then?
05:42Vicky, there are a hundred steps man and woman can take before they get married,
05:45and your father has tottered along all of them.
05:49No, as a matter of fact, darling,
05:50I intend to invite Atalanta to, um, uh, how shall I put it, um, cohabit.
05:56What? You're going to ask her to live with you?
05:58Yes.
05:59You dirty, stinking, old, rotting hypocrite.
06:04What about all the stick you gave Vicky and I when we decided to cohabit?
06:07Yes, I mean, Dad, you always objected terribly to things like that.
06:11You know, darling, it wasn't things like that I objected to, it was things like him.
06:15But I can now see quite clearly that someone ambitious, intelligent and liberated like Atalanta
06:22really couldn't possibly be interested in outworn conventions like marriage.
06:26I bet she couldn't be interested in outworn conventions either like washing your shirts or cooking your meals, hmm?
06:31How would you know?
06:31Well, because, you see, I used to go out with ambitious, talented, liberated ladies.
06:36That's why I married you.
06:39I'd like a word with you, Mr. Nichols, sir.
06:43Now, Gertrude, if it's about the new scrubbing brush, I've put in for an estimate.
06:47I wish to give him my notice.
06:50Gertrude, that was a joke.
06:52So was a scrubbing brush, Mr. Nichols.
06:55But that's not it, no.
06:57For years I've put up with your naughty little peccadillos.
07:03But I cannot contend with doing for a man who is going to be living permanently in sin.
07:10And you can tell that to your latest tuzzy before she slings her black lace negligee over your bathroom hook.
07:20Gertrude, thank you.
07:22You have just made me realise something I'd completely overlooked.
07:25Dad, where are you going?
07:27To get Atalanta's present, darling.
07:30She hasn't got a black lace negligee.
07:35Well, what do you think, sweetie?
07:37Oh, yes, Atalanta, it is entirely charming, darling.
07:39But I had something else in mind.
07:40I was going to give it to you tonight, actually.
07:43In this rather...
07:46In this rather splendid little restaurant I happen to own, it was going to be a surprise.
07:50Hmm, my ex-husband was always giving me surprises.
07:53Oh, that must have been fun.
07:55Not really.
07:56Like the night I came home and found him in bed.
07:59Well, that's not unusual.
08:00With the curate?
08:04Well, James.
08:06Oh, darling, yes, it's absolutely delightful.
08:07But I mean, wouldn't you prefer something more, uh, intime?
08:11Such as?
08:12Well, I was thinking of something gorgeous in satin or lace.
08:17You mean like a wedding dress?
08:18Oh, no, no, no, Atalanta.
08:19No, no, no.
08:20I mean something like a negligee.
08:24James, sweetie, who's going to wear this present?
08:26You or me?
08:26Yes, you have a point there.
08:28So please, I'd like a hat.
08:30I adore hats.
08:31They're so useful.
08:33Yeah.
08:33What about this?
08:35That's just about as useful as a rubber fork.
08:39What about this, then?
08:41Oh, now, that is absolutely stunning.
08:44Gorgeous.
08:45Ravishing.
08:46Oh, beautiful.
08:49Perhaps it's a little obvious.
08:52Kitty, I liked it.
08:54Oh.
08:55Um, Atalanta, are back tonight.
08:56I know you're going to love my daughter and son-in-law.
08:59Oh, well, you love my daughter.
09:00Now, James, sweetie, I'm not really into families.
09:04Or husbands.
09:05Now, just because you've had one bad experience, Atalanta, you mustn't have lied to put you off all men.
09:10I'm sure you'll have no trouble of that kind with me.
09:13I can't stand our curate.
09:16It's not that, sweetie.
09:17I don't want to be tied down.
09:19I have to stay loose.
09:22Oh, yes, I feel very much the same way.
09:25You do?
09:25Oh, yes, I can assure you that beneath this apparently conventional exterior, there beats the heart of a very liberated
09:33guy.
09:37Oh, sweetie, you really have shaken off those outmoded, outworn, boring old shackles.
09:43Oh, absolutely.
09:45Oh, your wife looks lovely in that hat, sir.
09:49Oh, yes, yes, she does, doesn't she?
09:51We'll take it.
09:54James, sweetie, why didn't you tell her that I'm not your wife?
09:59Oh, I don't know.
10:01I suppose I thought it had a rather nice, outworn, outmoded, boring, conventional ring to it.
10:10Thank you, Gertrude.
10:12I could have managed.
10:13You need rest, dear.
10:15What would I do without you?
10:17You won't be leaving us, will you?
10:19That's up to Mr Riddle.
10:22Have you two fallen out?
10:24He's put me in a most indelicate situation.
10:29Albert, we've been walking out now for three months, and at our age, it's time it was official.
10:36Oh, I see.
10:37You want to get engaged.
10:38Well, I don't want to be talked about like I was one of Mr Nicholl's bits of stuff.
10:44Begging your pardon, dear, but I don't want to be known as Albert Riggle's fancy piece.
10:52I don't think people say things like that.
10:54Oh, we do, dear.
10:56You should hear us down at the laundrette.
11:00Well, maybe you should drop a hint.
11:02A woman has her pride.
11:04She has her dignity, her self-respect.
11:08Anyway, I've tried.
11:11Perhaps Robin could.
11:12Oh, no.
11:14Oh, do you think he would, dear?
11:16Just talk to my Albert man-to-man.
11:20If Mr Drip could sort things out for me, well, I wouldn't need to leave then, would I?
11:27No, no, no.
11:29Positively, no.
11:30N-O spells no.
11:34Robin.
11:35Give me a cuddle.
11:36Can't get my arms round you.
11:39Of course you can.
11:42Happy?
11:43Mm-hmm.
11:44Wouldn't you like Albert to be happy like this as well?
11:47Out of the question.
11:48Why?
11:48I definitely couldn't get my arms round both of you, then.
11:51Oh, Robin, speak to him.
11:53Please, for my sake.
11:55Vicky, I flatly refuse.
11:56In fact, I emphatically, categorically refuse to get involved in somebody else's love life.
12:00Well, not even Albert.
12:01Especially Albert.
12:14Albert, if somebody was to offer you some advice, you know, on a very sort of personal
12:18nature, and if he was a friend, you know, a very, very good friend, well, you wouldn't
12:25be offended, would you?
12:26Yes.
12:27Yes.
12:29So would I.
12:30Same as me.
12:30No, I never poke this into other people's business.
12:34It's me golden rule.
12:35Yeah, yeah, me too, Albert.
12:37But, you see, um, Albert, Albert, have you ever considered, I mean, you know, it's never
12:43too late, you know, in fact, it's nothing to be frightened of, in fact, it's not bad
12:47at all once you get used to it, in fact, it's, you know, it's really quite nice, you
12:50know, but you really know, you won't know what it's like until you've actually sort of
12:54tried it yourself, you see, because it's really, you know, sort of what every man needs.
12:58Oh, oh, it is, yeah, definitely, yeah.
13:01What is?
13:03What, um, uh, how can I put it, Albert, do you know, um, well, a woman.
13:08Oh, you're right there, Mr. Tripp.
13:10She'll look at me poor old Uncle Vinnie, alone without sight nor smell of a female woman
13:15until the day he popped off.
13:18You're capable.
13:19Oh, in solitary.
13:21I think it had something to do with him thinking he was Dr. Crippen.
13:25I'm not actually talking about your Uncle Vinnie at the moment.
13:28That was when he wasn't being Moses.
13:30Yes.
13:31Uh, Albert, can I sort of put it this way, you see?
13:35Living alone can turn a man into a...
13:38Dried up, miserable old prune.
13:42Well, I don't want to be personal, right?
13:44Like, like Mr. Nichols.
13:46Oh, no, no, not at all, right.
13:47Oh, yes, yes, yes, exactly like Mr. Nichols.
13:50Now, there was a man drifting along like a piece of cow flop on the tidal ice.
13:58Until he was rescued by the love of a good woman.
14:01Absolutely, absolutely.
14:02And, you see, I think you should follow his example.
14:04Ah, no, no, no, no, she, she, she wouldn't approve of that.
14:07Vicky would be delighted, and so would I be.
14:09Ah, no, I meant Mrs. Pym.
14:11I couldn't ask Mrs. Tripp, she's already spoken for.
14:16Oh, Albert, Albert, listen.
14:18Gertrude has already mentioned to Vicky that she's just waiting for you to ask.
14:24Is he?
14:26Oh, well, in that case, I mean, I'll pop the question the minute she comes through that door.
14:32If not sooner.
14:34Good lad.
14:35You won't regret it, Albert, I promise you.
14:38Ah, hello, Gertrude.
14:40Hey, Vicky, Vicky, Gertrude's here.
14:42Albert, Albert, Gertrude's here.
14:46Albert, is there something you want to say to Gertrude?
14:51Oh, yes, there is, sir, yes, yes, there is.
14:54Well, go on then, Albert.
14:58I, um...
14:59I forget what it was.
15:02Albert, remember the dried up old prune.
15:05Oh, aye, aye, aye, yes, yeah.
15:07Mrs. Prune, um...
15:11Gertrude.
15:12Yes, Albert?
15:13I, um...
15:14Well, that is, would you do me the honour of...
15:18Oh, yes, Albert.
15:19...cohabiting with me?
15:22What?
15:22Albert, that's not right, you're twit.
15:24Oh, no, it isn't.
15:25No, no, sorry.
15:26No, sorry, Mrs. Pym, Gertrude, darling.
15:29Darling, yeah.
15:31Would you do me the honour of being me live-in bird?
15:52No, no offence, Mr. Tripp, but, you know, I can't help thinking that somewhere along the line, you must have
16:01got something wrong.
16:02Come on.
16:34Ah, well.
16:35The white wine's nicely chilled.
16:38Room temperature.
16:40Er, look, Gertrude,
16:43I think there's something I must explain to you.
16:45There's nothing more to be said to you.
16:47I've been mortally wounded.
16:49Well, I'm not feeling too good meself.
16:51I'm still fishing glassy cherries out of me ears.
16:54You see, Gertrude,
16:56Albert was supposed to ask you to marry him.
16:58Tell Mr Riddle I wouldn't marry him
17:01if he was Queen of England.
17:03Gertrude would not marry you
17:04if you were Queen of England.
17:06Will you tell Mrs Pym
17:07that you said I should follow your pan-law's example?
17:10Yes, to get a wife not a bit on the side.
17:14Tell Mr Riddle
17:15that if he's got anything to say to me
17:17he can say it himself.
17:19Will you ask Mrs Pym
17:20how I can say it meself
17:21when she won't listen to me?
17:22Ask Mr Riddle
17:23how can I listen to him
17:25if I'm not talking to him?
17:27Will you ask Mrs Pym
17:28what's the point of me saying it meself then?
17:31No, Mr Riddle!
17:32Sir, please
17:33one at a time
17:34please
17:35now, Gertrude
17:37you have a message for Albert.
17:39Yes
17:40tell him to pass me my dishcloth.
17:43Tell her to get her own dishcloth!
17:45Tell him to say that again!
17:48Hello!
17:51Can I come in?
17:52Well, I wouldn't advise it
17:53unless you're a qualified referee.
17:56Atalanta, sweetie.
17:58Atalanta, sweetie.
17:59I don't think we've met that.
18:00Mr Nichols, bit of stuff.
18:05Can we talk?
18:06Perhaps out of the firing line
18:08unofficial trifle range.
18:12I phoned James's flat
18:14but he wasn't there.
18:15No, he's most probably
18:16having his streaks done.
18:18I wonder, could you
18:19would you give him a message for me?
18:21Certainly.
18:21Hang on.
18:22Ah, ah.
18:25Right?
18:26Goodbye.
18:29That's it?
18:30I won't be coming tonight.
18:31Tell him it was great fun
18:33but...
18:33It was just one of those things.
18:36James is a sweetie
18:37but he's getting a little heavy
18:38just lately.
18:39Yes, well, it's his sort of
18:40secret passion for salted peanuts.
18:42I'm even having sleepless nights.
18:45He's definitely got to
18:46stop eating them in bed.
18:47I just know he's going to
18:49ask me to move in with him.
18:51He screwed another toothbrush holder
18:53onto the bathroom wall.
18:56Perhaps he's got a spare set of teeth.
18:59Oh, sweetie, I can't live with anybody
19:02not permanently.
19:03James is boringly old-fashioned
19:05about all that sort of nonsense.
19:07Oh, you mean about you
19:08sort of washing his shirts
19:09and cooking his meals
19:11and putting your cold feet on him
19:12in the middle of the night
19:13and him buying you flowers
19:14and rubbing you back
19:16when it aches,
19:16that sort of nonsense.
19:17Oh, sweetie, you understand.
19:19No, I don't, you see,
19:20because I'm boring old-fashioned
19:21about that sort of nonsense too.
19:23Pity.
19:24You almost looked intelligent.
19:35Poor old Dad.
19:37I see Atalanta
19:38letting him down like that.
19:40Mmm.
19:40And she never got to taste
19:41my sweetbreads either.
19:43Let's go and cheer him up.
19:45Yeah.
19:45But be tactful.
19:46Of course.
19:51Feeling all right?
19:53Never better.
19:54Not falling apart at the seams?
19:57My seams are in very good order,
19:59thank you.
20:00Oh, you know,
20:00I just thought that as you've been,
20:02um...
20:02Yeah.
20:03Well, putting it as sort of
20:04tactful as I can.
20:06Yeah.
20:08Cast aside like an old boot.
20:11Very good.
20:12Thanks.
20:12Trip, I may look like an old boot,
20:15but I do not feel like an old boot.
20:16On the contrary.
20:17Sitting here over the
20:19mediocre entrecourt
20:20and the overdone courgettes,
20:22I've had time to review
20:24my past life.
20:25You've only been there
20:26four hours.
20:29I've been taking a nostalgic trip
20:31down memory lane.
20:33Oh, poor old Dad.
20:34And now I realise
20:35who it is
20:37that Atalanta reminded me of.
20:39Who?
20:39Your mother.
20:41Ah,
20:41and that's why you fancied her.
20:43No,
20:43that's why I'm delighted
20:44she turned me down.
20:47Well,
20:48one of these days
20:48the right one will turn up.
20:50Yes.
20:51Nil desperandum.
20:52What?
20:53Which means
20:54leave the spare toothbrush holder
20:56on the wall,
20:57baby.
20:58Ah,
20:59Mr. Trip,
21:00ladies and gentlemen,
21:01we've just had a meeting.
21:02Ah,
21:03with or without trifles?
21:04Ah,
21:04and we have decided,
21:06ah,
21:06that is,
21:07ah,
21:07me and Mrs. Pym.
21:08Mr. Riddle and me.
21:09Ah,
21:09me and Gertrude.
21:10Albert and me.
21:11All eight of you have decided.
21:13Yes, sir.
21:14Now we have.
21:15What have you decided,
21:16Albert?
21:17Huh?
21:18Oh,
21:18oh,
21:19to make our union official.
21:21What?
21:22Not the transport and general workers.
21:25Not that sort of union,
21:27you silly billy.
21:28The union of holy acrimony.
21:33Matrimony, Riddle.
21:35On the other hand,
21:36you'll probably write the first time.
21:38Albert,
21:38you're going to get married.
21:39Oh,
21:40that's marvellous,
21:41isn't it,
21:41Robert?
21:42Yeah,
21:42that's terrific.
21:43Yeah,
21:43we're not going to fight anymore.
21:44And we've got everything cleared up
21:46and sorted out
21:47about that ridiculous idea
21:48of our living in sin.
21:50Well,
21:50I'm very glad to hear it.
21:51And Gertrude,
21:52being the generous,
21:53understanding woman she is,
21:55has promised to forgive you.
21:57Forgive me?
21:59Oh,
22:00there was you
22:00who suggested it.
22:02Well,
22:02what's brought about
22:03this reconciliation?
22:04It was what
22:05that young woman said.
22:06About Mr. Nicholls
22:08being old-fashioned
22:08and boring.
22:10What?
22:11Because you're so sweet
22:12and conventional, Dad.
22:13As well as being
22:14old-fashioned and boring.
22:15I mean,
22:16it's all right
22:16for Miss Atlantic
22:18to be a member
22:18of the Permissive Society
22:19with her spotted stockings,
22:21but it's not for us,
22:23no.
22:24Although me grandfather
22:24Thomas was a bit of a boy,
22:26oh,
22:26but by and large
22:27and on the whole,
22:29us male riddles
22:30is not cut out
22:31to be swingers.
22:35So it's all turned out
22:36for the best.
22:37Yeah,
22:37splendidly.
22:38I've lost one woman
22:39and found another.
22:41Have you?
22:41Who?
22:41Gertrude.
22:42She's no need
22:43to leave me now.
22:44Oh,
22:44I don't know about that.
22:46Oh,
22:46Gertrude,
22:47there'll be no more
22:47black-laced negligees
22:49slung over the hook
22:49in the bathroom.
22:51Well,
22:51not often.
22:53Well,
22:54hardly ever
22:54if things are worse.
22:56Oh,
22:56I don't mean that.
22:57I mean,
22:58I'll have to ask
22:59my fiancé's permission
23:00first.
23:01Permission?
23:02Oh,
23:02yes.
23:03I'm just an old-fashioned
23:04girl at heart.
23:07Speaking of which,
23:13to the most seductive,
23:15glamorous,
23:16baby whale I know.
23:18Oh,
23:21you do know
23:21how to cherish
23:22a wife.
23:23Of course I do.
23:24Oh,
23:24thank you.
23:25how do I look?
23:27Fat.
23:29Fat.
23:39Oh,
23:42no.
23:43Oh,
23:44no.
23:45Oh,
23:46no.
23:48Oh,
23:48no.
23:49Oh,
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