- 1 day ago
First broadcast 15th March 1979.
The addition of new tables in the bistro brings a search for a new waiter.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Lucy Fleming - Elaine
Richard Harradine - André
Bunny Reed - Newsagent
Tommy Wright - Dermot
Verne Morgan - Father Edmunds
The addition of new tables in the bistro brings a search for a new waiter.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Lucy Fleming - Elaine
Richard Harradine - André
Bunny Reed - Newsagent
Tommy Wright - Dermot
Verne Morgan - Father Edmunds
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:28The
00:30Oh, my God.
01:00Mmm.
01:16How can you sit there just drinking coffee?
01:19Yes, you're absolutely right. It would be nicer with a drop of brandy.
01:22Or a drop of vegetable on your foot.
01:25What about my back?
01:26All right, I'll drop one on your back. Come on.
01:29Come on.
01:34Well, don't just stand there, Robin.
01:36What do you want me to do? A little dance?
01:38Oh, all right, then. You shouldn't be carrying those. A woman in your condition.
01:42Condition? What condition? Darling, are you...?
01:45Yes.
01:46Oh.
01:47I've got a hangover.
01:51Poor Daddy's back.
01:52I didn't know he'd been out.
01:54Now, what I mean is, poor Daddy's back.
01:56It's got its usual Monday morning moan.
01:59Now, I wonder if it's because we sort of collect the vegetables Monday morning.
02:02Or what he's got up to on Sunday night, eh?
02:05Now, look here. I have always suffered from a bad back, have I not, Victoria?
02:08Oh, yes, yes.
02:09When I was a little girl, I was the only one in our neighbourhood to have piggy fronts.
02:14Moreover, I have never worked manually. Rather, I am of the intellectual sort.
02:19Oh, really? I see. Mm-hmm.
02:23And what's so intellectual about the sexy secrets of bare-backed Barbara and where she gets her oats?
02:33Well, reading that kind of stuff gives me an insight into what the young people of today are thinking about
02:38and getting up to.
02:39And what you're thinking about and missing out on, yes?
02:42Hello, dear. I got them beans.
02:45No, Albert. I got the beans.
02:47Ah, you as well, miss. Well, then we look better.
02:50No, Albert, Albert.
02:51What, Vicky? What, Vicky? These, them, these beans are the wrong beans.
02:57Is that right?
02:58No, that's wrong, Albert, you see, because these are baked beans.
03:02That is correct, sir.
03:03I know, Albert, but I did not want baked beans. The beans I wanted...
03:07Look, could we possibly stop talking about beans? I am bored with beans.
03:12Besides, I've got a surprise for you all.
03:14You're having a baby, huh?
03:16Oh, I love them.
03:18Surprises or babies?
03:19No, baked beans.
03:21The only trouble is, if you eat them for lunch and then have a couple of pints of stout afterwards,
03:25it makes you...
03:26Yes, thank you.
03:28I think we'll have a surprise now, shall we, dear?
03:30Quite, yes. Excuse me, Riddle.
03:34There you are.
03:36Well, that's no surprise. There's been a door here all the time.
03:41Well...
03:44You've cleaned the windows?
03:46No.
03:47You've dirted the windows.
03:50They're nice on their own.
03:52What are?
03:52Beans.
03:55Well, do you give up with him every time?
03:58Yes.
04:00I have bought three new tables.
04:03What, new?
04:04Well, newish.
04:05Oh, yeah.
04:06Fallen off the back of a lorry, eh?
04:08Certainly not. I bought them legally.
04:10No, I mean, they really have fallen off the back of a lorry.
04:12They're all damaged!
04:14Well, a couple of nails in there. They'll be perfectly all right.
04:16Oh, yes. And there are some nice little holes made by the woodworms.
04:20My cousin Kevin had that trouble once.
04:22What, woodworm?
04:23No, losing a leg.
04:25Really, Albert? How did that happen?
04:27Victoria, please.
04:28Oh, it's all right, sir. No, it just fell off. But we moved quickly and stuck it back on again
04:33with some of me Auntie Louie's porridge.
04:36And to this day, the leg is still there.
04:40Riddle, I do not believe that.
04:42It's as true as I'm standing here.
04:45That table leg is still there.
04:48Of course, my cousin Kevin was eaten alive by a herd of wood.
04:51No, time out.
04:52Dad, why have we got these new tables?
04:54We can get a lot more people in and double the profits.
04:57Yeah, and treble the work.
04:58I am perfectly prepared to sit up half the night counting the extra takings.
05:02Well, I'm not prepared to sit up half the night waiting on extra tables.
05:06I've done it before. It'd be nice to keep me hand in.
05:08No, we'll definitely need a waiter.
05:10Hmm, or a waitress.
05:18Good morning.
05:19Yes, love.
05:20I'd like to put one of those little cards in the window.
05:23Certainly.
05:24What do you want to put? French lessons?
05:27Oh?
05:28Swedish massage is popular at the moment.
05:31Mind you, friendly kitten for sale can be confusing.
05:35Lots of old ladies round here like cats.
05:38Sorry.
05:39It's up to you, love.
05:40What do you want to put?
05:41Um, evening position available local.
05:47That's a good one.
05:48Is it?
05:49Uh, experience preferred?
05:52Definitely.
05:53And it's Robin's Nest.
05:55There's the number.
05:56Robin's Nest, eh?
05:58Lovely.
05:59Been at it long, have you?
06:01A couple of years.
06:03Go on.
06:04Still enjoying it?
06:05Oh, yes.
06:06Mind you, sometimes when you've been at it all night, you certainly know you've earned your money.
06:12Yeah, I say, um, I might pop round myself one evening.
06:17You know, when the missus is at the bingo.
06:19Oh, do.
06:20It's not very expensive.
06:22And we do something special every night.
06:25There's more than just you then?
06:27Oh, yes.
06:28There's my father, my husband and Albert.
06:44Ah, now, this is where the real power lies.
06:48And lies and lies and lies.
06:51The pen is mightier than the sword.
06:53Is that a fact?
06:54Yes.
06:55I challenge you to a duel.
06:57I shall use a cutlass and you can try your luck with a ballpoint.
07:01I can't expect you to know.
07:02The newspaper world.
07:04Hold the front page.
07:05Stop press.
07:07Scoop.
07:08I hate to disillusion you, but the Fulham Advertiser is only read in Fulham,
07:12with the occasional overseas addition to Putney,
07:15so I hardly think our advertisement is going to give the panics to the old Thompson organisation.
07:19Yes, well, you wouldn't know, would you?
07:21I worked in Fleet Street.
07:23Yes, Ricky told me.
07:25Gents outfitters.
07:30Well, it was still Fleet Street.
07:37Oh, good morning, young lady.
07:39Can I help you?
07:40Yes.
07:40Is the editor about, or is he writing a leader?
07:43No, he's doing a blurb.
07:45Ah.
07:46Well, even editors have to answer to nature's call.
07:51Is it important?
07:52Yes, yes.
07:53My associate and I were thinking of purchasing some advertising space in your journal.
07:59Oh.
07:59How much?
08:00Double spread?
08:01Half?
08:02Quarter?
08:03One line in the situation vacant column.
08:06I think I can handle that.
08:08What did you want to say?
08:09Waitress wanted.
08:10Ah, you have to say waiter or waitress.
08:13But I don't want a waiter.
08:14I want a waitress.
08:16We bought him a train set and he just bust it so a waitress it'll have to be.
08:21You see, you can't discriminate.
08:23Oh, I don't care what colour the waitress is.
08:26Or waiter.
08:27Now, wages?
08:28Yes.
08:31What?
08:33There will be definitely wages.
08:36How long are the hours?
08:37Um, usual length, like 60 minutes each.
08:44From 7.30 until midnight or until the last customer leaves.
08:48What about perks?
08:50Oh, no, no, no, no.
08:51We never allow them in there.
08:54Degenerate youths with green hair and safety pins through their noses.
08:59Perks, you berk.
09:02Oh.
09:03And, of course, there will be one free meal.
09:06Or a sandwich.
09:07Wine.
09:08Free?
09:09Cost price.
09:10Sounds good.
09:12I'll take it.
09:13What?
09:14What?
09:14Well, I have waitress before.
09:16I'm only temporary here.
09:17I'll take the job.
09:18If you'll have me.
09:20Oh, well, absolutely.
09:22Absolutely.
10:03oh lovely did you miss me not for the first 10 minutes then after half an hour I thought I'd
10:12never see you again and quite frankly the 45 minutes that you've been out have been
10:16helped oh my god so you see I was the first officer into Tobruk that's what they used to
10:22call their bar at Aldershot who's that darling oh darling this is your father darling the other half
10:31of your mummy darling the other one oh this is Elaine your father's employed as our new waiter
10:37waitress exactly but we mustn't discriminate hello hello excuse us she can't have the job Robin well
10:46look it wasn't my idea it was your father's idea it doesn't matter whose idea it was she can't have
10:50it because I've already given it to Andre who's she Andre and I've given him the job
11:00bonjour monsieur enchanté monsieur how do you do what's that darling darling can we talk in the
11:13kitchen of course you can darling look here Victoria I want you to inform Sasha distel
11:25that the job is taken he knows it is ah by him now look I'm not having him here he's
11:31a frog and I
11:32can't bear frogs only because mommy once threw a Maurice Chevalier record at you it was going
11:38round on the record player at the time all right I agree with you I think he's a bit he's
11:44a bit fresh
11:45hmm going around kissing everybody at a drop of a bonjour hello there everybody there are you see
11:53Albert doesn't do it do you indeed not sir no never doesn't do what you don't go around kissing
12:01everybody all the time I know so I had an uncle who caught swine fever that way not no riddle
12:07nor
12:07indeed ever day right sir the bookies caught fire we we had to leave during the 215 I was lucky
12:15what to
12:16escape hey to get a win in the 130 me horse came in a 10 to 7 and it blew
12:21up a five past two or the
12:24horse no the television now look yeah that's where I met the new waiter Andre a Jermit O'Hagan who
12:31yeah
12:31oh I told him how you were increasing the staff and he said he'd do it he's like that no
12:36but Albert
12:36we've already got a waitress wait top but he's brought his own pen and all I don't care if he's
12:44brought his own bottle opener no I he never uses them sir he can open a bottle of stout just
12:48be looking
12:49at it now Albert offering one of your mates the job was very thoughtless of you thank you sir
12:59now what I mean now but he can't have the job will you just bring him in and we'll give
13:03him a drink
13:04he does drink does he oh ferociously sir
13:10this is dear
13:15hello there sir I'm Dermot
13:19I think I've answered that no no I'm the manager
13:24I'll ask do you do bondage and humiliation
13:32pardon
13:33a man saw your ad in the newsagents oh I'll sort this out
13:42hello Robins Ness here
13:48what um yes we can supply chocolate mousse but not for doing that with it
13:57what did he want to do with it look dad we do have a problem so is that man on
14:01the telephone
14:02chocolate mousse
14:04andre um could you uh tondé don la cuisine oh bien sûr and elaine would you
14:11attendé dans la cuisine certainement now listen just a minute I don't think andre is any good
14:16as a waiter for a start he doesn't speak english the menu's in french yes and elaine speaks french
14:21well it's one vote for andre and one for elaine
14:27well well dermot's got a pen
14:30oh it's easy to get rid of dermot
14:32you tell him you explain it to him yes
14:35albert is not authorised to employ people so he hasn't got the job
14:39yeah and then run very quickly and very far
14:43hello Robins Ness
14:46I'm sorry yes we can fit you in this evening
14:53well yes we are quite experienced
14:57wear what you like
15:00you want to wear a what
15:05a rubber suit
15:09yes I'm sure you can but you're not doing it here mate
15:14the first guy wants to do strange things with chocolate mousses
15:17now this guy wants to do it in various positions wearing a rubber suit
15:20what's going on here
15:27oh hello
15:30I saw your advertisement in the newsagents
15:34hang on
15:38vicar
15:40father
15:41now sorry sorry father
15:43listen father we don't do funny things with chocolate mousses with ropes or with whips
15:48well I'm so pleased to hear that
15:51you haven't come about the job
15:53no no
15:54I've got one
15:56no I'm looking for a restaurant
15:59to hold our annual St Ignatius club dinner tonight
16:03it's rather urgent
16:05we booked Bill's a bistro
16:08but Bill's ill
16:09oh
16:10being eating his own cooking again is he
16:14there's only 30 of us
16:1630
16:17yes
16:18oh no I'm sorry
16:19no we haven't got the staff to
16:20yes we have
16:21certainly we'll do it
16:23erm
16:23six pounds ahead
16:25marvellous
16:26with wine I presume
16:28oh yes
16:30occupational hazard
16:33well thank you so much
16:35so er 8 o'clock tonight
16:37dinner for 30
16:38thank you
16:39we'll be at your service
16:40yes
16:47very good
16:49very good
16:53well
16:53it looks like we're about to try out our three new waiting persons after all
17:07right
17:07stand to attention
17:13inspection of hands
17:14this is to see if there's any microbes living on your thumbs
17:20yes
17:21yes
17:21we're good
17:26yes all right
17:27I'm going home to change
17:29er
17:30Dermot
17:31you'd care to take the starters in
17:33sir
17:42no no no Dermot
17:43no no Dermot
17:44Dermot
17:44look I'll take those in and you help Albert with the napkins all right
17:47great sir
17:55Sasha's late again
17:56yeah so sexy
17:57what's her name
17:58what Elaine
17:59ah
17:59no it's not that I find her sex it's your father really
18:02you find her sex
18:05only when he looks like you
18:07careful Robin you're squashing my blossoms
18:09I know
18:12oh I can hear your heart beat
18:14someone at the door
18:16oh really
18:18it's not even eight o'clock yet
18:19a bit early aren't they
18:22evening
18:23ah good evening
18:25er
18:25listen
18:26er
18:27it's not eight o'clock yet
18:28you're a bit early
18:29we don't start till then
18:30I don't mind waiting
18:31oh
18:33the wife thinks I'm at the pictures
18:39well I'm sure you're better off here
18:41what's it like here then
18:42I mean er
18:43really good
18:44well I mean we've had no complaints
18:47some nights people can hardly walk
18:53I'll say er
18:54very good idea this
18:56what
18:58you know er
18:59tables and chairs
19:04yes we thought so
19:06yeah
19:07here
19:09will I get her
19:12well yes
19:13or er
19:14or Elaine
19:15or Andre
19:16or Dermot
19:19Dermot
19:20now Dermot
19:22you do exactly what I do
19:24look
19:24so
19:31so
19:44I think we've struck oil here sir
19:50ah
19:51bonsoir Andre
19:52hello Elaine
19:54hello Andre
19:55bonsoir Elaine
19:57bonsoir there
19:59that's French for hello there
20:02you'll soon pick it up
20:03raindrops keep falling on my head
20:07um Andre has got something to say
20:09well if it's about Robin singing
20:12he can't help it
20:13I can't help it
20:14I can't help it
20:15Andre
20:16j'espère que vous me trouvez pas en train
20:18et que vous ne pensez pas que je suis pas gentil
20:21mais j'ai besoin de retourner chez moi à Massé
20:23j'ai donc décidé et elle vient avec moi
20:26je suis très très désolé
20:27very nice too
20:30was it a poem
20:32no Albert
20:33what he was saying was
20:35that
20:37sorry what did you say
20:38I can't
20:39attend
20:40I hope you don't think badly of me
20:43or that I am ungrateful
20:44but I miss my hometown
20:46Coventry
20:48Marseille
20:49this is what Andre said
20:50oh
20:52so I've decided to go back
20:54and she's coming with me
20:55what Vicky
20:56no not me you neat
20:58he's talking about her
20:59oh
21:02well we'll be very sorry to see you go
21:04won't we Robin
21:05oh certainly slasher
21:07er Andre
21:08I will look on the bright side sir
21:10Dermish has the job
21:22oh good evening
21:23evening
21:23here
21:24they don't start till late
21:26yes yes I know
21:28oh been here before have you
21:30oh
21:30ever since it opened
21:31every night
21:34yeah you see
21:35you see I am the
21:38patron
21:39oh
21:39pleased to meet you
21:41I've got your card
21:43in my shop window
21:44oh
21:45oh
21:45in between air hostess seats
21:47ground position
21:47and second hand tall boy
21:49for sale
21:51really
21:51yes
21:52are you
21:53are you one of the
21:54the private party
21:55no
21:55on me own
21:56and I don't mind
21:57joining in
21:58er yes yes
22:00I
22:00I doubt very much
22:02whether we can actually
22:02fit you in
22:03well I don't mind
22:04I'm just watching
22:09I beg your pardon
22:09of course I'll
22:11pay
22:20there's a customer in there
22:21who says he's perfectly prepared to pay to watch the others eat
22:24I takes all sorts
22:26sir
22:26I remember once
22:28Albert isn't there anything you ever forget
22:30oh indeed sir
22:31I remember once forgetting that I thought I'd remembered something
22:34then forget it
22:35thank you
22:37I'll put a couple of people missing
22:39or are they behind Dermot
22:46what you mean Beauty and the Beast
22:48oh come on Robin
22:50Elaine wasn't that bad
22:51well where are they
22:52well you see
22:53Andre's gone a bundle over Elaine
22:54so they've jacked it in
22:55and they're going to shack up together in Froggy Lane
22:58you do murder the English language at times
23:00no worry sir
23:02we've been shorthanded before in court
23:04it shouldn't be too difficult
23:06it's only a church club
23:07hmm
23:07hmm
23:26hello Harry
23:30how's your dear wife
23:32oh fine father
23:33I was just delivering some newspapers round here
23:36I must be off now
23:38see you
23:47Dermot you go in there and sort that lot out
23:49oh no sir
23:50not me
23:51that's the Saint Ignatius rugby mob
23:53and I've had trouble with them before
23:55you can keep your job
23:59I wonder what Marseille's like at this time
24:02well if you can't beat them
24:04join us
24:06for this season number four and I've asked you on sweet people
24:12well if you can'tice around you
24:14itscket for you
24:15oops
24:15and you can't say
24:21I've been Room
24:21whoo
24:27what's it
24:28you can't say
24:29maybe even do you
24:30oh yeah
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