- 1 day ago
First broadcast 13th November 1978.
Mr. Nicholls investigates the very delicate matter of his daughter's size.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Mr. Nicholls investigates the very delicate matter of his daughter's size.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Tessa Wyatt - Vicky
Tony Britton - James Nicholls
David Kelly - Albert
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I'll see you next time.
00:30I'll see you next time.
01:00I'll see you next time.
01:02I'll see you next time.
01:04I'll see you next time.
02:06I'll see you next time.
02:08I like it.
02:10Oh, shoot.
02:12I'll see you next time.
02:14I'll see you next time.
02:16Hello.
02:20Are you still there, sir?
02:22Oh, yes, I have that.
02:23Indeed I have.
02:24You want a table in the name of Stanley.
02:26There's just one tiny thing, sir.
02:28If the table's called Stanley,
02:30what's the name of the fellow that you'll be sitting down at?
02:34No, no, no.
02:36It's just a little joke, sir.
02:38No, no, I have it exactly.
02:39I have it down in my little book, sir.
02:41Have no fear.
02:43Ah!
02:44Albert, you are under strict instructions not to pick up that telephone.
02:48Ah, but wait till you see what I've accomplished in the bookings book, sir.
02:52Mr. Stanley, table for two, dinner.
02:57That's right, sir.
03:00What time?
03:01Dinner time.
03:04Very good, Albert.
03:06What night?
03:07The night she booked the table for, sir.
03:11I see what you mean.
03:13Ah! Stay still! Hands up!
03:15Robin's Nest.
03:20Ah, Mr. Stanley.
03:22Yes, we were expecting you to ring back, yes.
03:25Well, the lunatic you spoke to who was holding me at gunpoint when you last called
03:29has since been recaptured and is now under protective custody,
03:32so you'll be perfectly safe in the restaurant, yes.
03:36Yes, table for two, dinner, eight o'clock, tomorrow evening.
03:42Yes, we look forward to seeing you.
03:44Goodbye, Mr. Stanley.
03:47Never pick up that telephone again.
03:50Oh, right, sir. That's understood.
03:53How will I answer it, then?
03:57Just do some work, Albert.
04:03Did you ever happen to hear the one about...
04:05Yes, many times, Albert.
04:06No, no, the one about the fellow that rings up this restaurant
04:09and says to your man,
04:11could I have a table in the name of Finnegan?
04:14And your man, quick as a flash, comes back with,
04:16I haven't a table in the name of Finnegan,
04:18but I have a couple of chairs called O'Reilly.
04:21And he struck me as funny before I heard myself tell him.
04:24Is she about?
04:44I don't think so.
04:46Who?
04:47Victoria.
04:48Victoria.
04:49No, no, no, she's just popped out for a couple of minutes.
04:50I'll give her a message for her if you like.
04:52You'll do nothing of the kind, young man.
04:53Oh, it's not Victoria you've come to see?
04:55Not on this particular occasion, no.
04:58Well, it can't be me.
04:59Much as it grieves me to say so, it is.
05:02It's a personal matter.
05:05Personal?
05:06Yes.
05:08Between you and me?
05:09Yes.
05:10Not business personal, but sort of personal personal.
05:16Yes.
05:18Sort of man-to-man, father-in-law, son-in-law, head-on confrontation stuff.
05:23More or less, yes.
05:25Sit down.
05:27Gosh.
05:31Far away, Dad.
05:33Don't you dad me.
05:34Sorry, Peter.
05:35Now, look here, this is rather a delicate matter, so I'd be very grateful for your complete attention.
05:42Yes, well, if it's about the birds and bees bit, you know, I should tell you, Vicky and I'd be mad for quite...
05:46Oh, sorry, gone far away, gone.
05:50Right.
05:52Now.
05:56Um.
05:57Well.
06:00In a nutshell.
06:01What size is Victoria?
06:16Sorry, pardon?
06:17Size?
06:19Size!
06:21It's a perfectly straightforward question, and I do speak English.
06:24What size is Victoria?
06:26Well, I suppose she's...
06:29About, um...
06:31Sit down!
06:33Not that.
06:34I didn't mean her height, I mean her...
06:36Well...
06:38Her size.
06:44Oh, you mean her...
06:46Size.
06:50Well, I suppose she's...
06:52Must you do that?
06:55Uh...
06:57Well, in...
06:59In...
07:00In words of one syllable, how can I explain?
07:01She's not exactly, you know...
07:03Waah!
07:07On the other hand...
07:09She's not exactly a sort of...
07:11In inches, if you don't mind.
07:16Well, I'm sorry, I don't sort of keep abreast of these things.
07:26Abreast of these...
07:27Sorry.
07:28No, sorry, I boobed again.
07:29Oh!
07:34No, no, I...
07:35I'm afraid I've got no idea.
07:37Do you mean to sit there and tell me that you really don't know?
07:41Yes.
07:43Great Scott!
07:45What is it with you young men these days?
07:47Why, when I was your age and married to...
07:50Victoria's mother...
07:52I not only knew my wife's...
07:54Details, but I was completely au fait with her shoe size, her glove size...
07:58The size, style, colour, shade and brand name of her favourite nylons...
08:02And I kept myself up to date with the fortnightly fluctuations in her waist measurement, down to the last quarter of an inch.
08:06Yeah, I know, but it was different in those days, wasn't it? Sort of, you know, dressing them up to take them out to...
08:13Ascot, Twickers, the regatta, the hunt ball...
08:17No, it's all changed. I mean, it's not so much dressing them up to take them out, it's more of a question of sort of keeping them in to get them off!
08:24Does your mind never rise above smut?
08:27Not a lot, no.
08:29Now look here, I happen to be in a hurry. Isn't there any way you can find out Victoria's...
08:34Details?
08:35Yes.
08:36Well, if you hang around a few more minutes, about half an hour, she'll be back, you can ask her yourself.
08:38It's meant to be a surprise.
08:39Well, it's not going to be a surprise to her, is it? She doesn't know the size of her own watches.
08:44Not that!
08:46I mean that the cashmere sweater is going to be a surprise.
08:50What cashmere sweater?
08:51The one I want to nip out and buy for her birthday before she gets back!
08:56That's why she had an early hair appointment this morning.
09:02You forgot, didn't you?
09:04Oh, and omit it.
09:05You forgot the anniversary of my only daughter's birth.
09:09Of course I didn't.
09:12Oh, yes I did.
09:15Typical.
09:16No, but I mean, it could have happened to the best of us.
09:17No, it couldn't. I remembered.
09:20I know, but I mean, you were sort of present at the actual launching.
09:24I sort of just hang around at the dock every year, waiting for it to sort of steam back into port.
09:28And you didn't even remember to buy your wife and my only daughter a birthday card.
09:35No.
09:37Look, uh, maybe if I sort of wrote many happy returns on a menu and sort of, you know, got her a sort of individual chocolate mousse and stuck a candle on the top.
09:46No.
09:47No?
09:48No!
09:49Not even at a push?
09:50Not even at a monumental shove.
09:51Oh, right, don't go on about it.
09:52I didn't see your birthday card come through the post this morning.
09:54I'm bringing it with me.
09:55It's not the same.
09:56Oh, yes, it is, if it's attached to a gift-wrapped cashmere sweater.
09:59Well, you can't buy one.
10:00You don't know her size.
10:01Well, I shall simply hazard a guess.
10:02At the worst, all she'll have to do is to guard and change it.
10:04Now then, what time are you expecting her back from the hairdressers?
10:06About 11.30.
10:07What's the time now?
10:08It's a quarter to twelve.
10:09Oh, God.
10:11I'm off.
10:12And if I were you, young man, I would extract my digit.
10:16Oh.
10:18Albert, don't touch that phone! Freeze!
10:26Hello, Robin's Nest.
10:29No, madam, I'm afraid our blonde, young Swedish gentleman is not available to give you a full massage this afternoon.
10:37This is the restaurant, not the Roxy Sauna Parlour.
10:40You've got a wrong number.
10:43Well, I'm free, sir.
10:44Oh, thank you, sir.
10:45That was a wrong number, wasn't it?
10:48I mean, you're not using my telephone to run a dodgy sauna parlour, right?
10:52Could I do that, sir?
10:55No, you most probably couldn't get away with a Swedish accent.
10:58And, of course, you're doing the booking and your girlfriend is doing the massaging.
11:02By the way, how are Dirty Agnes' manipulations?
11:06Oh, they've heaved up completely, sir. Praise the Lord.
11:09I've never seen she took to wading a raw onion in her stocking.
11:15Yes. Victoria's birthday.
11:17Ah, we get a lot of wrong numbers.
11:19Twice this week I took bookings for the speaking clock.
11:22Yes.
11:23Now, Albert...
11:27Now, what do you think of that? Now, please, please, give me your honest opinion.
11:31Are you expecting a power cut, sir?
11:42Albert, I've got to go out for something very important.
11:45I hate to admit it, but I'm going to have to leave you in charge for at least, possibly at least, 15 minutes.
11:50I've been left in charge of places before and have had no complaints as yet. Touch wood.
11:56Gah!
11:57What other places, Albert?
11:58Me Uncle Seamus' place. An entire sweetie and ciggy shop in the Republic of Kilbourne.
12:04I used to take charge of that once a week while he went to have his feet done.
12:09Have his feet done?
12:10Every Wednesday afternoon for more than a 12-month, until the 7th of July, 1972.
12:17And what happened then?
12:18He went bankrupt.
12:21Sorry, Albert, I'm not quite with you.
12:22Well, it wasn't my fault. I wasn't very good with that old cash register.
12:25Oh, okay, Albert, Albert, Albert, Albert. As much as I trust you, I want you to sit here, out of harm's way, until I return.
12:33I don't want you to touch anything. In fact, I don't want you to touch, even move, a muscle. Is that clearly understood, Albert?
12:40Yes, Mr. Tripp.
12:41Right.
12:42Mr. Tripp.
12:43Yes, Albert.
12:44Supposing while you're out, supposing the phone should ring, and there's only myself here, shouldn't I just...
12:50Definitely not, Albert. You are not to touch anything. Least of all, that telephone, Albert.
12:56Albert, you touch that telephone, and I shall personally see to it that it bites your hand off.
13:03Now, do you understand that, Albert?
13:05Yes.
13:06That telephone will bite your hand off.
13:09Yes.
13:10Yes.
13:11Yes.
13:12Yes, yes!
13:22Yes, yes, yes.
13:24Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
13:28It's enough, sorry.
13:32Hello there, this is Albert Riddle on this end.
14:00Who's this on the other one?
14:02Who's this on the other one?
14:14Who's this on the other one?
14:30Yes, when's that for?
14:33Table for 2, 9.15, Saturday night.
14:36Shog it out, Mr Barker.
14:37Barker!
14:42Why didn't you answer it?
14:44Oh, no, no, no, no, Miss.
14:45Oh, no, one spit and twice, aye.
14:49Where's Robin?
14:50Oh, he had to go out all of a sudden.
14:52Can I move a muscle now?
14:54Yes.
14:55Thanks very much, Mrs Tripp.
14:57Oh, get back to the washing up.
15:00Did you ever happen to hear the one about this fella
15:06that rings up this restaurant
15:07and asks your man for a table in the name of O'Toole?
15:11No, I don't think so.
15:12Ah, well, then you're in for a treat, Mrs Tripp.
15:15You'll enjoy this one.
15:16Well, now, it transpires
15:18that this fella rings up this restaurant
15:22and says to your man,
15:23pardon me, Mrs Eve,
15:25but could I have a table in the name of O'Toole?
15:28And your man comes back with...
15:32Wait a minute.
15:33What does your man come back with?
15:35Oh, have I got it wrong?
15:37And is it your man that's called O'Toole?
15:39And the fella that rings up
15:40is called something completely different.
15:42I don't know, Albert.
15:43And if it is your man that's called O'Toole,
15:45what in God's name did they call the table?
15:48Albert, for me?
15:49Who?
15:50Oh, never mind.
15:50Did Robin say where he was going?
15:52Oh, that he did not, Miss, no.
15:54But I just happened to be standing by the door
15:56while Mr Tripp was having a word
15:58with Mr Nichols in the cafe.
16:00Bistro.
16:00Oh, he can be sometimes.
16:03And you eavesdropped on the conversation?
16:06Eavesdropped?
16:06Earwig.
16:07Oh, that I did not.
16:09Well, not on purpose, anyway.
16:10But there was a terrible draft
16:11blowing through the keyhole,
16:13so I just blocked it up
16:14with one side of me face.
16:16What were they talking about, Albert?
16:18Now, how can I let you in on a secret
16:19I'm not even supposed to know meself?
16:21Albert.
16:21I know you're asking me to tittle-tattle
16:23on the very fellow
16:25that hands me me wage packet
16:26every Friday night.
16:27You are talking to the very lady
16:29who decides just how much goes into
16:31that very wage packet
16:32every Friday afternoon.
16:34I'll tell you what.
16:36I'll give you a clue.
16:38Right, go on.
16:38Right, then.
16:40Many happy returns.
16:42Come again?
16:43And very many of them.
16:45Albert, I'm sorry to appear dim,
16:48but I'm just not with you.
16:49God bless us, Mrs.
16:50you've forced me to be entirely disloyal.
16:53They've both of them gone out together,
16:55separately,
16:56to get your birthday present.
16:59Well, that's very nice of them.
17:00But my birthday's not for another
17:02seven months.
17:03Vicky, darling.
17:16Hello, my little one.
17:19Oh, hello, Robin.
17:20Oh, it's lovely.
17:24What is?
17:25The hair.
17:26Oh, thank you.
17:27I never go anywhere without it.
17:28I suppose because the post was a bit late this morning,
17:33you thought I'd forgotten.
17:35Forgotten what?
17:36Oh, no, what I hadn't.
17:39What was that?
17:40What?
17:41That noise.
17:42That familiar rat-a-tat-tat to me,
17:44it sounded like,
17:45oh, well, well, well.
17:48Well, well, well what?
17:50He's arrived, the postman,
17:51a bit late,
17:51but our friendly neighborhood postman,
17:53he's arrived at last
17:54to pay his little call.
17:55Hello, hello.
17:57Only one.
17:58Oh, yes, it's for you.
17:59I'll open it for you.
18:02Hmm.
18:03No wonder the postman was late.
18:05In fact,
18:05he did very well
18:06to get it here at all.
18:08There's nothing written on it.
18:10Yes, well, you know,
18:11it's obviously
18:12that it was a birthday card.
18:13You know,
18:13you, your birthday,
18:15and that was a card,
18:15you, birthday card,
18:17birthday card.
18:17You see, I mean,
18:18they put two and two together.
18:19I mean, they're nobody's fools.
18:20I've had permission
18:21to move me muscles, sir.
18:23Oh, yes, sir.
18:24Is it all right
18:25if I moved them
18:26around the corner
18:26for a few minutes?
18:27Yes, it's time
18:28for your betting shop break.
18:29Thank you, sir.
18:30Robin,
18:31what makes you think
18:32that today is...
18:34Post!
18:49That was quick.
18:50Second delivery.
18:53Oh!
18:54Many happy returns, darling.
18:57And many, many, many of them.
19:01Um, Biggie?
19:04Happy birthday.
19:07Where'd you get that?
19:08The fairground lucky dip.
19:11Well, at least I wrapped that myself
19:13personally with loving care.
19:14I didn't get some
19:15snotty-nosed salesman
19:16to sort of dab it up
19:18like a dog's dinner.
19:18It's not the wrapping
19:20that counts,
19:20it's what's inside it.
19:22Oh, yeah.
19:23What is inside it?
19:25Half a pound of
19:26peppermint creams.
19:28Look, um,
19:29I don't know
19:30if this is important,
19:31but today
19:32is not my birthday.
19:34Eh?
19:34What?
19:35It's seven months away.
19:36I thought it came out
19:37a bit quick.
19:38Oh, nonsense, darling.
19:39Of course it's your birthday.
19:41I remember the occasion vividly.
19:43You were only a child.
19:45Are you sure
19:46it's not your official birthday?
19:48Oh, it's not any kind.
19:49But I saw it written down.
19:51Where?
19:51In your diary.
19:52I don't keep a diary.
19:53Oh, darling,
19:54I know you don't write in it,
19:55but on today's page
19:56there is a little sticker
19:57saying my birthday.
19:58But I haven't even got a diary.
20:00Oh, Victoria,
20:01of course you've got a diary.
20:02I came across it last night.
20:05It's in here.
20:07There we are.
20:08The businesswoman's diary.
20:10There's the page
20:11and there's the little sticker.
20:13I mean,
20:13who else in this place
20:14would have a businesswoman's diary?
20:18An Irish washer-up?
20:20He waits until February
20:23when they're selling them off cheap.
20:25I suppose this is
20:26the last one they had.
20:27What on earth
20:27would Riddle need with a diary?
20:29He says he can't afford a wristwatch.
20:32And to think I paid out good money
20:34on a cashmere sweater
20:35because of him.
20:36Well, I mean,
20:36it's all right for you.
20:37You can afford it.
20:38What about me?
20:39I spent my last 90 pence
20:42on those.
20:43The gentleman queen.
20:4590 pence.
20:4690 pence.
20:47On the occasion
20:48of my little daughter's anniversary.
20:50Oh, not,
20:52as the case may be.
20:53Yes.
20:54You're as bad as each other.
20:55What about Albert?
20:56Well, I didn't know
20:57he'd bought you a birthday present.
20:58He didn't,
20:58because it isn't,
20:59but it is his.
21:00And nobody's noticed,
21:01not one of us.
21:03I suppose, you know,
21:05she's right.
21:06He didn't even rate
21:07a bottle of meth
21:07from Dirty Agnes.
21:10This is all
21:10his birthday means to him.
21:12A little sticker
21:13in a diary.
21:14I don't suppose
21:15he even got
21:15one birthday card
21:17this morning.
21:18I don't know
21:20about your withers,
21:20but mine are being wrong.
21:23We're going to make this
21:24the best birthday
21:25he's ever had.
21:27There.
21:28What's this for?
21:29What size is it?
21:30Oh, well, it's, um,
21:31your size, right?
21:33Right, but you can change it.
21:35I beg your pardon?
21:36You're going to give
21:36that to Albert.
21:38A cashmere sweater?
21:39Do you realise
21:40how much that cost?
21:41Don't care, Dad.
21:42You can give him these.
21:43Oh, with pleasure.
21:46Compared to you,
21:47I've got off-line.
21:50Not completely.
21:51I'm giving him this.
21:53What?
21:54A bottle of
21:55birthday to 1970.
21:56Do you know
21:56how much that costs?
21:57All right,
21:58it doesn't matter.
21:58Look out,
21:59he's coming.
21:59Hi.
22:01Hello, dear.
22:02Ah, Albert.
22:04Um, while you've been out,
22:06we've been doing
22:06a spot of detective work
22:08and, well,
22:10we've discovered
22:11it's a certain
22:12somebody's birthday.
22:13Ah, well,
22:14I didn't mention it.
22:15I didn't think
22:16anybody would be interested.
22:17Oh, of course we are.
22:20Dad?
22:21Hmm?
22:21Oh, Victoria,
22:23I can't give it up.
22:26Oh, very well.
22:28Here.
22:31Robert?
22:33Little birthday gift,
22:34of it.
22:35Oh.
22:35And this is from me.
22:37Oh.
22:39I'm touched.
22:42Here.
22:45Oh, she'll be
22:46thrilled to bits
22:47when I get my days.
22:50She?
22:50Who's she?
22:51Me lady friend,
22:52sir,
22:53Dirty Agnes.
22:56But it says here,
22:57my birthday.
22:58Ah, well,
22:59they didn't have a sticker
23:00that said Dirty Agnes' birthday.
23:02Well,
23:03I'll weigh and give them
23:03to her now.
23:07Speechless.
23:09Hey, listen.
23:12Did you hear the story
23:13about the man
23:14that rang up a restaurant
23:15and said,
23:16can I book a table
23:16in the name of Finnegan?
23:18What?
23:18Oh, two.
23:19Eh?
23:19Not Finnegan,
23:20O'Toole.
23:21No, darling,
23:21it is Finnegan.
23:23It is definitely Finnegan
23:24because the man
23:24in the restaurant says,
23:25well,
23:25if the table's booked
23:26in the name of Finnegan...
23:27No, no, no, no, no,
23:28I'm sorry, Robin.
23:29The table's name
23:30was O'Toole.
23:31There was a chair
23:31called Albert Finney.
23:33Albert Finney?
23:34No, it's about the guy
23:37who rings up
23:38and books a table
23:39in the name of Finnegan.
23:40O'Toole.
23:40No, Finnegan.
23:41O'Toole.
23:42Well, you get Albert Finney.
23:43Well, you get Albert.
23:44Whole movie?
23:44This is the concert.
23:46Yes.
23:47All right.
23:48All right.
23:48You get off.
23:49Let's see.
23:50Let's see.
23:50Personal release.
23:51Let's see.
23:52Let's see.
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