- 2 days ago
The subject roasted is current Democrat senator Hubert H. Humphrey, formerly the losing candidate in the 1968 Presidential race.
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00:00The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel, in the entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.
00:23Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star-studded roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.
00:33They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in person.
00:41A Man of the Week
00:44Ladies and gentlemen, the Dean Martin Comedy Hour presents a special one-hour roast with tonight's guests,
00:53Gene Kelly, Ed Knight, Audrey Meadows, Foster Book, Rio DeRosa, Pat Henley, Fritz Little, Don Wright III, Mark Russell,
01:07Nifty Russell, Mark Salt, Senator Lowell Weicker, your roast pastor, Dean Martin,
01:14and tonight's very special Man of the Week, Senator Hubert Tompkins.
01:23Tonight we salute the great Democrat from the state of Minnesota, Senator Hubert Humphrey,
01:32a man who has spent a lifetime in politics with an unblemished record.
01:37He never took a bribe, never spied on his opponents, or committed any crime,
01:42which is why he's here tonight and not in the White House.
01:45It's true, Hubert's never been involved in a scandal.
01:52In 1968, when he was running for the presidency, the Republicans bugged Humphrey's bedroom.
01:59When they played back the tapes, they fell asleep.
02:06Even as a boy working in his father's drugstore in Minnesota,
02:09he would never sell anybody Tums, because Tums, spelled backwards, is smut.
02:17Of course, from the minute Hubert was born, he was destined for politics.
02:23The doctor picked him up, slapped him, and Hubert said,
02:26I'm pleased as punch to be here.
02:30And he hasn't shut his mouth since.
02:33In 1961, Hubert became the house whip,
02:36but the police found out about the house and closed it.
02:39Every time Pat Henry comes on our show, he does better and better.
02:50As a matter of fact, the last time he was on the show,
02:54the ushers only caught three people sleeping.
02:58He's going to get it right this time.
02:59A real great humorous, Mr. Pat Henry.
03:01Thank you, Dean, Senator Humphrey, ladies and gentlemen.
03:13I usually don't get on this late in the program.
03:19But, Senator, it's an honor to be on the same day as with you,
03:23because I just got back from Washington,
03:25and it's a pleasure to talk into a microphone you can see.
03:31And, Senator, I thought you might like to know that tonight,
03:33after the show,
03:34your speech goes right into the paper shredder anyhow.
03:38Ladies and gentlemen,
03:39I happen to be one of Hubert Humphrey's biggest fans.
03:42And I know he's a very dedicated man.
03:44For 30 years in Washington,
03:45he's done the work of two men,
03:48Laurel and Hardy.
03:53And Senator's true.
03:55He's always felt that
03:56politics is a lot like sex.
03:59You don't have to be good at it to enjoy it.
04:03Senator Humphrey's been around Washington, D.C.
04:06for over 30 years.
04:07And he knows that politics has its ups and downs.
04:10Let's face it,
04:10one week you're on the cover of time,
04:12the next week you're doing it.
04:15And I've got a real flash for you folks.
04:22I heard through the grapevine that, once again,
04:24Hubert Humphrey is preparing to run for president.
04:27He's calling it Preparation H.
04:42Remember this, Senator.
04:43If you decide to run,
04:44I'm betting on you providing
04:46Willie Shoemaker rides you.
04:58That's a real funny man.
05:00I'll see you up in Las Vegas.
05:03Yeah, I'll be opening at the MGM Grand Hotel
05:05in Las Vegas on December 5th.
05:07It's brand new, and it's the most beautiful hotel in the world.
05:12What I like about it is that it's got 31 bars,
05:17and they're all within staggering distance of each other.
05:20Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Nipsey Russell.
05:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:34If the world is seeking a leader,
05:37wise, courageous, and true,
05:39remember any man who can say he is boss in his home
05:42will lie about other things, too.
05:44I have no wish to disparage our guest of honor, Humphrey,
05:52He has withstood some formidable tribulations.
06:06Do you know that his wife has not spoken to him in more than a year?
06:10They're not angry.
06:11She just doesn't want to interrupt him.
06:16We are not loath to concede
06:18that the man is at times a bit burvose,
06:21but did you ever analyze
06:23the profundity of his observations?
06:25I heard him speak.
06:27He said,
06:27We must not dissipate our energies chasing happiness.
06:30He said,
06:31We must learn to triumph over despair.
06:35I said,
06:35Senator, what is despair?
06:36He said,
06:38Despair is seeing your lawyer go to jail.
06:43He said,
06:44Despair is seeing your karate instructor
06:47get beat up by a hairdresser.
06:51He said,
06:52Despair is having somebody steal your watchdog.
06:57He said,
06:58Despair is seeing your psychiatrist
07:00coming out of a fortune teller's tent.
07:02He said,
07:06Despair is having the girl say yes
07:08and the desk clerk at the motel say no.
07:18It is not a tranquil circumstance being a senator.
07:24I was talking about it
07:26to our new civic leader.
07:28You've got to meet him.
07:29He's a truly honest man
07:30held in the loftiest esteem
07:32by everybody in the black neighborhood.
07:34His name is Amos Carr.
07:36He deals in reconditioned plumbing supplies.
07:40We call him Honest Carr,
07:42the used John dealer.
07:43He said Hubert Humphrey is a true liberal.
07:56Now, what is a liberal?
07:58A liberal is a foe to male chauvinism.
08:01He believes that women are equal
08:02and that those who are not equal
08:04should wear a corrective bra.
08:06So I say to you, Senator,
08:12don't let failure defeat you.
08:14Don't bow your head in shame.
08:16If you can't succeed,
08:18be smart enough
08:19to find somebody else to blame.
08:20Get out.
08:34Really beautiful.
08:36Ladies and gentlemen,
08:39a true talent
08:40and a great guy,
08:42Mr. Gene Kelly.
08:47Thank you very much, Gene.
08:53It has been said
08:54that the Vice President
08:55of the United States
08:57is nothing but a figurehead,
08:59a useless and meaningless job.
09:01But I say that's not so.
09:03And to prove my point,
09:04I went to Senator Humphrey's
09:06lovely wife, Muriel,
09:07and I asked her about
09:09the senator's activities
09:10when he was vice president
09:12under Lyndon Johnson.
09:13She even gave me
09:14her husband's personal diary
09:16that he kept
09:17when he was VP.
09:18And I'm going to read
09:20and I'm going to read
09:20a page,
09:21just a page,
09:22just a little old page
09:24out of that diary
09:25describing a typical day
09:27in the life
09:28of Vice President Humphrey.
09:31Now let's see,
09:31at 2 o'clock,
09:32here we are.
09:336.30 a.m.
09:35Woke up
09:35and had breakfast
09:36with a little woman.
09:387 o'clock.
09:39Return home to the wife.
09:407.30 collected my thoughts.
09:497.31 took nap
09:51from mental strain.
09:548.15 arrived
09:56at the White House.
09:578.20 showed ID
09:58to security guard.
10:03He didn't recognize me.
10:052 o'clock,
10:09spoke to Women's League
10:10of Voters
10:10denouncing pornography.
10:123 o'clock,
10:13met with Ed Muskie
10:14at the Pussycat Theater.
10:19At 10 o'clock,
10:21arrived home
10:21and turned on
10:22the Dean Martin Comedy Hour,
10:24my favorite program.
10:27I admire Dean
10:28because he's the only man
10:30in America
10:30who works less
10:32for his money
10:32than I do.
10:35Our next guest
10:49is one of the
10:50immortals of baseball.
10:52His courtesy
10:53and gentleness
10:54in the ballpark
10:55is a legend,
10:56like the one about
10:57the earth being flat.
11:01Ladies and gentlemen,
11:02a great player
11:03and a great manager,
11:04Mr. Leo DeRoche.
11:13Thank you, Dean.
11:15Well,
11:16Hubert Humphrey
11:16has always been
11:17a good loser.
11:18In Hubie's case,
11:19it was really tough
11:20being a good loser
11:21because the guy
11:22that won
11:23turned out to be
11:24such a sore winner.
11:27But, Hubert,
11:28look at it this way.
11:29You finally ended up
11:31with a majority.
11:32The world is full
11:33of losers.
11:34And not just
11:35in sports and politics.
11:37What is a loser?
11:39A loser is a guy,
11:40if it was raining soup,
11:42he'd be standing there
11:43with a fork.
11:47A loser is a guy
11:49who traded in his etzel
11:50for a corvare.
11:51A guy who goes
11:55to a massage parlor
11:56and really ends up
11:57with a massage.
12:02A loser is a guy
12:03who opens a bar
12:04in Watts
12:04and calls it
12:06Whitey's Place.
12:11A guy who goes
12:12to see Deep Throat
12:13and gets a seat
12:15behind Wilt Chamberlain.
12:19A loser is a guy
12:20whose doctor
12:20finds out
12:21that you've been
12:22fooling around
12:23with his wife
12:23just as he's about
12:25to give you
12:26a bisectomy.
12:31A loser is a married man
12:33who is checking out
12:33of a motel
12:34with a secretary
12:35and discovers
12:36the desk clerk
12:37is Alan Fudd
12:38and he's been
12:39on candid camera.
12:43A long time ago
12:47I said that
12:47nice guys
12:48finish last.
12:49Well, listen, Hubie,
12:51if you ever decide
12:52to run again,
12:53maybe I can give you
12:54some lessons
12:55on how to be
12:55a nasty winner
12:56from Charlie Finley.
13:09Our next speaker
13:11is Miss Audrey Meadows.
13:12You know,
13:12Audrey looks
13:13a lot like
13:14her sister
13:14Jane Meadows
13:15and many people
13:16have trouble
13:17telling them apart.
13:18In fact,
13:18I understand
13:19Audrey has
13:20a tattoo
13:20on her chest
13:21that reads
13:22Stop, Steve,
13:23I'm Audrey.
13:29Ladies and gentlemen,
13:30the lovely and talented
13:31Audrey Meadows.
13:41Thank you, Dave.
13:42You know,
13:43I've always been
13:43a great admirer
13:44of Senator Humphrey
13:45and I've really
13:46known him quite well
13:47over the years.
13:48Though I have not
13:49seen him too much
13:50lately in Washington
13:51as I used to
13:52since he changed
13:53his Senate office.
13:55In fact,
13:55I understand
13:56that he moved
13:56his desk
13:57into the washroom.
13:59He claimed
14:00it was the only place
14:01where the senators
14:02knew what they were doing.
14:03And you know,
14:15Senator Humphrey
14:16has always had
14:17those kind of
14:18new and innovative
14:19ideas.
14:19And in as much
14:20as we're honoring
14:21him tonight,
14:22I think it would be
14:23well to recall
14:24a few of his
14:25outstanding
14:26legislative contributions.
14:28For instance,
14:29he was the first
14:30senator to introduce
14:31a bill making
14:32the United States
14:33a member nation
14:34in the International
14:36House of Pancakes.
14:40Anyway,
14:40in later years,
14:41when he was
14:42on the farm,
14:44he heard himself
14:45lifting a bale of hay.
14:46And he immediately
14:47came out
14:47for agricultural support.
14:51And recently,
14:52after celebrating
14:53his 35th wedding anniversary,
14:55his wife, Muriel,
14:56urged him to do
14:57something about
14:58the energy crisis.
15:05I'd like to tell you
15:06sincerely how much
15:07I really admire
15:09this man.
15:10Hubert is really
15:11all heart.
15:13Well,
15:13maybe only 20% heart.
15:15I think the rest of it
15:16is hamburger helper.
15:17The man who has
15:30gotten more knowledge
15:31out of a sweater
15:32than Landa Turner,
15:33Mr. Mort Sahl.
15:44Senator?
15:45Senator Walker?
15:46Senator Huffer?
15:46A week from tonight
15:48on NBC,
15:49there'll be a special
15:50starring Senator Weicker
15:51called their awards.
15:55They're called
15:55the most corrupt
15:56administration
15:56in history awards.
15:58And the nominees are
15:59the Warren G. Harding
16:04administration
16:05and the Nixon administration.
16:07May I have
16:08the envelope, please?
16:10What's in the envelope?
16:12$173,000.
16:14For E. Howard Hunt.
16:15At any rate,
16:17Senator Humphrey,
16:18as I recall,
16:20one of the important things
16:22is that you've maintained
16:24the consistency,
16:25which I've always admired,
16:26of party unity.
16:27This goes all the way back,
16:28for those of you who recall,
16:29a great sense of history,
16:31back to the Eisenhower
16:32administration.
16:32I remember when Hubert Humphrey
16:33was the only man in the Senate
16:34who stood up and asked
16:36that integration be forcefully
16:38brought about by
16:40General Eisenhower,
16:41who was then president,
16:43going to Arkansas
16:45and taking a black girl
16:46by the hand
16:47and leading her
16:48into one of the schools.
16:49General Eisenhower
16:49called in Senator Humphrey
16:50and said,
16:51there's a problem here
16:52of policy.
16:53I don't know whether
16:53or not to use
16:54an overlapping grip.
16:55You may recall that.
16:57There was a problem
16:57at the time.
16:59At any rate,
17:00to return to my point,
17:01when he worked
17:03for the late
17:04Lyndon Johnson,
17:05Senator Humphrey,
17:06one of his jobs
17:07was to be greeter
17:07at the White House.
17:08You may recall
17:09he'd meet people
17:10at the door
17:10and he'd say such things
17:12as, you know,
17:13appropriate things.
17:14It certainly is
17:16a beautiful day
17:16just as President Johnson
17:18promised.
17:19You remember that?
17:20And then,
17:21as you know,
17:21Senator Humphrey
17:23has had some differences
17:24with President Nixon,
17:25although, as I say,
17:25he's interested in unity
17:26in both parties.
17:28And President Nixon,
17:29of course,
17:30Senator Humphrey
17:30was interested
17:31when he ran
17:31for the presidency
17:32in our economy,
17:34which we're still
17:34interested in.
17:35And he sent Richard Nixon
17:37a sign for his desk,
17:38which reads,
17:39the half a buck
17:40stops here.
17:42At least that's
17:43what it was this morning.
17:44It's about 44 cents
17:45as of now.
17:46We're bringing it
17:47up to date.
17:48And, of course,
17:48President Nixon
17:49stood on his platform,
17:50which was to get
17:51the prisoners out.
17:52That was the big thing.
17:53And as you know,
17:53he got two out.
17:54Jimmy Hoffa
17:55and Bobby Baker.
17:57I wore a bracelet
18:04for Hoffa.
18:05A lot of Dean
18:10thought I had arthritis.
18:15One day I was talking
18:16to Senator Humphrey
18:16in Washington
18:17in his office
18:18when he was
18:19Vice President,
18:20and he said to me,
18:21I asked him
18:22about Richard Nixon.
18:22I said,
18:23what's he really like?
18:23I mean,
18:24is it true?
18:24The rumors we've heard.
18:25He said,
18:25well,
18:25what have you heard?
18:26I said,
18:27well,
18:27I understood
18:27he was born
18:28in Whittier,
18:28California,
18:2960 years ago
18:31in a log cabin
18:31in a blue suit.
18:36It was considered
18:37a medical miracle
18:3860 years ago.
18:40And he said,
18:41no,
18:41he said,
18:41that's not realistic,
18:42Senator Humphrey.
18:42He said,
18:43Richard Nixon
18:44is the kind of man
18:45in his words
18:46who,
18:46if you were drowning
18:4720 feet from shore,
18:48would throw you
18:49a 15-foot rope.
18:52And then Henry Kissinger
18:54would go on
18:55the three networks
18:56and point out
18:57that Richard Nixon
18:57had met you
18:58more than halfway.
18:59You really think
19:21I read those cards?
19:23Yes,
19:24I memorized all that.
19:25I don't read them.
19:26This is all memorized.
19:27Our next guest,
19:28is one of the stars
19:32of Mary Tyler Moore's show.
19:34See,
19:34I don't look
19:35at the cards at all.
19:37We invited Ted here
19:38because he is
19:39a politically activist
19:42and a humanitarian.
19:43I don't have to,
19:43I don't need those cards.
19:51Only last night
19:52he spoke at a dinner
19:53where they raised money
19:54to buy a snow plow
19:56for the city
19:57of Beverly Hills.
19:58Ladies and gentlemen,
20:00a most talented man,
20:02Mr. Ted Knight.
20:04Yay!
20:13Thank you,
20:16Mr. Martin.
20:16You know,
20:22in my business,
20:23I'm often called upon
20:24to speak about
20:25someone or something
20:25I know nothing about.
20:29And that happens
20:30to be the case tonight.
20:32Tell me the truth,
20:33though,
20:33I'm a little surprised
20:34to see Hubert Humphrey here.
20:36They told me
20:37it was going to be
20:37somebody important.
20:38last time I appeared
20:47what I thought
20:47was going to be
20:48a testimonial
20:48for a politician
20:49that turned out
20:49to be a telethon
20:50for a regularity.
20:51However,
20:54it doesn't always
20:55work out
20:55that way.
20:58In view of this,
21:00I've written a speech
21:01that I can deliver
21:02anywhere,
21:03anytime,
21:03to any group.
21:05It's so general,
21:07it almost sounds
21:08as though
21:08I know what I'm
21:09talking about.
21:10I can do
21:15Hubert Lancaster.
21:22Thank you,
21:23ladies and gentlemen.
21:26Or vice versa,
21:27as the case may be.
21:29In lieu of the
21:30regular speaker
21:30who was unable
21:31to be with you
21:32due to not being here,
21:34I'd like to say
21:34a few words
21:35before I go any further.
21:38Those of you
21:39who are here tonight
21:40will remember
21:40how well the last
21:41occasion went over.
21:43I wasn't here myself,
21:44so I don't remember,
21:45but I really understand
21:46that a lot of you
21:47weren't here tonight.
21:49We were there
21:49that night
21:50and we remember
21:50and vice versa.
21:54You were extremely
21:55fortunate,
21:56I might add,
21:57in your choice
21:57of an honored guest.
21:59I know of no other
22:00man or woman
22:01who could fill his seat
22:03the way he does.
22:04Or she does.
22:05Or vice versa.
22:08I'm referring
22:09of course
22:09to his considerable
22:10background.
22:13Now if there was
22:14a person
22:15with a big foundation
22:16for whatever it is
22:17he does,
22:19he asked.
22:21But he wasn't
22:22always content
22:23to sit upon
22:23his aspirations.
22:28The person you're honoring
22:29is more than
22:30just a simple cog,
22:31believe me.
22:33He is the gear
22:34that drives the machine,
22:36the big nut
22:36behind the wheel.
22:38Oh, I could tell you,
22:41I could tell you
22:42about his past
22:43but that would be
22:44too easy.
22:45I could tell you
22:46about his future
22:47but that would be
22:48too difficult.
22:50However, I,
22:50I don't want to
22:51bore you tonight.
22:52That's his job.
22:57Thank you for inviting me.
22:58Good night
22:59or good afternoon
22:59as the case may be.
23:01I tried to follow
23:15what he said
23:16but I don't know
23:16what he said.
23:18He didn't
23:19sit everywhere
23:19like you.
23:20I know,
23:21he did, yeah.
23:23Excuse me, Mike.
23:24Here to,
23:27here to pay his respects
23:29to Senator Humphrey
23:30is a young man
23:31whose analysis
23:33of the political scene
23:35is truly hilarious.
23:37For those of you
23:37who are not subscribers
23:39to the Washington Post,
23:40here's a fellow
23:41who will bring you
23:42up to date
23:42on Washington today.
23:44Ladies and gentlemen,
23:45from the Shorm Hotel
23:46in Washington
23:46where he entertains
23:48nightly Mr. Mark Russell.
23:50Thank you, Dean.
24:00It's a privilege
24:01to be here
24:02in honor
24:02of the distinguished Senator.
24:04I believe
24:05the real Hubert Humphrey
24:07is best illustrated
24:08by an incident
24:09which took place
24:10during the 1968 campaign.
24:13It was during a speech
24:15and an angry spectator
24:16threw a tomato at him
24:18while he was speaking.
24:20Well, as the tomato
24:21struck him,
24:22Hubert,
24:23the old pro,
24:25didn't bat an eye.
24:26He merely ad-libbed,
24:28speaking of agriculture.
24:38Yes, Hubert Humphrey,
24:40symbol of the politics
24:41of joy.
24:42Yes, H-H-H.
24:44That's ho, ho, ho.
24:48From the very beginning,
24:49our hero
24:50was at the forefront
24:51of the civil rights movement.
24:53His was the first drugstore
24:55in Huron, South Dakota
24:57to sell Uncle Ben's rice.
25:01Mr. Humphrey's talents
25:02as a pharmacist
25:03were put to good use
25:04as vice president.
25:06When Lyndon Johnson
25:07turned to him one day
25:08and said,
25:10Hubert,
25:10make me a malted.
25:11He received a great deal
25:16of publicity in 1959,
25:19you may recall,
25:20when he had an eight-hour
25:21conversation in the Kremlin
25:22with Nikita Khrushchev.
25:25Khrushchev asked Hubert
25:26how he was
25:27and he never got in
25:28another word.
25:28Known affectionately
25:37as the mouth
25:38that roars,
25:41Hubert Humphrey
25:42visited Rome
25:43on one occasion
25:44and spoke at the Vatican
25:45for three hours
25:47to a statue
25:49of Pope Pius.
25:52Always the optimist,
25:53he was not depressed
25:55in 68
25:56when he lost
25:56the White House
25:57nor was he depressed
25:59when he lost
25:59the vice presidency
26:00but he was depressed
26:02when he lost
26:03Frank Sinatra
26:03and Sammy Davis.
26:11I know we're all familiar
26:13how Senator Humphrey
26:15was the target
26:15of some of the
26:17Watergate
26:17dirty tricks activity.
26:20There was an alleged
26:21attempt to make him
26:22appear guilty
26:23of engaging
26:25in illicit sex.
26:29Are they kidding?
26:34Hubert would talk
26:35all through it
26:36for heaven's sake.
26:45Well, they told him
26:46about it.
26:47He said,
26:47that would be liable.
26:48Mrs. Humphrey said,
26:49that'd be a miracle.
26:50Thank you very much.
26:59Thank you very much.
27:09Now, I'd like to introduce
27:10one of the most
27:11brilliant impressionists
27:12in the business.
27:13Ladies and gentlemen,
27:15here's the man
27:15of a thousand voices,
27:17Mr. Rich Little.
27:20Thank you, Dean.
27:34My fellow Americans,
27:36I'm just as punched
27:39as pleased
27:39to be here tonight.
27:42I was saying
27:43to my wife,
27:43Muriel,
27:44just the other day,
27:45I said,
27:45Muriel,
27:45and she said,
27:46that's right.
27:46And I knew it was her
27:51because I never forget
27:52a face.
27:56I just made that up.
27:59Is he laughing?
28:00Take a look.
28:00Is he laughing?
28:02But you know,
28:02my fellow Americans,
28:03I've been doing
28:04a number of things
28:05since I ran
28:06for president
28:07of the United States.
28:08I've been touring
28:09all across
28:10this great country
28:11making speeches.
28:12because my fellow Americans,
28:14I see a country
28:16where there is no poverty
28:18and no bigotry
28:20and no unemployment.
28:21I see a country
28:23where there is clean air
28:24and clean water.
28:26I see Switzerland.
28:28But you know,
28:38I was asked
28:42just the other day
28:43if I would pose
28:44in the centerfold
28:45of Playgirl magazine.
28:47That's true.
28:48I was quite honored
28:49at first
28:50and then after thinking
28:51it over,
28:51I declined it
28:52because I felt
28:53that enough government secrets
28:54had already been exposed.
28:58But you know,
29:04my fellow Americans,
29:05in closing,
29:06as well as being
29:08a United States senator,
29:09I have a wonderful
29:10new job now
29:12and I'm very pleased
29:13about it.
29:14I'm working
29:14for the cartoon division
29:16of Warner Brothers.
29:17It's a very simple job
29:19that I have.
29:20All I do at the end
29:21of the cartoon
29:21is come out
29:22and say,
29:22that's all, folks.
29:28Sooner or later,
29:36every man,
29:37every great man
29:38has a book
29:38written about him
29:39and Hubert Humphrey
29:41is no exception.
29:42Tonight,
29:43we've invited
29:44his biographer
29:45to fill us in
29:46on some little-known
29:47facts about the senator
29:48that you'll be reading
29:49when the book
29:50is finally published.
29:51Ladies and gentlemen,
29:52here's the author,
29:53the author of
29:54tomorrow's bestseller,
29:55HHH,
29:56Mr. Donald Rice.
29:57Thank you,
30:06Mr. Martin.
30:08I'm here tonight
30:09because I'm writing
30:10a book
30:10on the life
30:11of Senator Hubert Humphrey,
30:14a man who's been
30:15in politics
30:16for over 30 years
30:17and never been
30:18caught at it.
30:22In my research,
30:24I find out
30:25some facts
30:25about the senator
30:26that may astound you.
30:28Did you know
30:29that before
30:29he was a registered
30:30democrat
30:31that he was
30:31a registered pharmacist?
30:36That was back
30:37in the days
30:37when the miracle drug
30:39was mercuricone.
30:44I haven't put
30:45the book together yet,
30:47but here are
30:48some interesting comments
30:49he makes
30:49about his days,
30:51his career,
30:52behind the drug counter.
30:54As a young pharmacist,
30:55I've made a few mistakes,
30:56like giving the morning sickness bill
30:58to old Mr. Turner.
31:02And I had a hard time
31:03explaining to Mrs. Watson
31:05why she was taking
31:06male hormones.
31:06The last time I saw
31:10Mrs. Watson,
31:11she was in the church choir
31:12singing bass.
31:19And here he talks
31:20about entering politics.
31:22He says,
31:22leaving the drugstore
31:24a few years later,
31:25I became the mayor
31:26of Minneapolis.
31:27It was after this election
31:29that I made the biggest
31:30decision of my life.
31:31I became a registered voter.
31:37Later,
31:38I decided to retire
31:39from politics
31:40and I became
31:41vice president.
31:46In the book,
31:48I think you'll love
31:48his comments
31:49on the Senate hearings.
31:51He refers to them
31:52as the Sam Irving quiz show.
31:54When the contestants,
31:56quote,
31:57when the contestants
31:58give the right answer,
31:59they lose.
32:01This one you really love.
32:05He says,
32:05the whole thing
32:06is so ridiculous.
32:08The Republicans
32:08bugging the Democratic
32:09headquarters.
32:10That's like General Motors
32:11breaking into Ford
32:12to get the Edsel secrets.
32:24The Senate,
32:25I just heard a rumor
32:26that the Democrats
32:27once tried to bug
32:27the Republican headquarters.
32:30And somebody stepped
32:30on the paper cup
32:31and broke their string.
32:34Thank you, sir.
32:43Senator,
32:44there's a lot
32:44of your friends
32:45and admires
32:46who couldn't be here
32:47tonight,
32:48but they've sent telegrams
32:49and I'd like to read
32:50them to you now.
32:51The first one reads,
32:53Dear Senator Humphrey,
32:55more than anyone else,
32:56I regret
32:57your losing
32:57in the 1968 election.
33:00You can't imagine
33:00how I wish
33:01it was you
33:01who was in the White House
33:03signed Richard Nixon.
33:10There's one
33:11from the American Society
33:12of Interior Decorators.
33:14Dear Senator,
33:15we hope you'll be elected
33:16to the White House
33:17in 1976
33:18with your belief
33:19in the politics
33:20of joy.
33:22You always seem
33:23so happy
33:24and that's what
33:25this country needs,
33:27a gay president.
33:28I guess this evening
33:33is the most distinguished
33:35Republican
33:35from Connecticut,
33:38Senator Lowell Weicker.
33:39He's quite a guy.
33:40Every time
33:41a taxpayer
33:42in Connecticut
33:43is in trouble,
33:43they call him
33:44and the senator
33:45is finally doing
33:46something about it.
33:48He's getting
33:48an unlisted phone.
33:51Ladies and gentlemen,
33:52the greatest respect
33:53and admiration,
33:54here he is,
33:55Senator Lowell Weicker.
33:58Now I'm turning
34:06the volume up
34:06in the flowers, please.
34:17Now, Dean,
34:17I want to thank you.
34:20I want to say that
34:21when you asked me
34:23your show,
34:23I turned to
34:24Hubert Humphrey
34:24and I asked him
34:26whether it would be
34:26a good thing
34:27for our reputation
34:28is to appear
34:28on the Dean Martin show.
34:35Hubert turned to me
34:35and said,
34:36Lowell,
34:36given what most
34:37of the voters
34:37think of us these days,
34:38we're lucky
34:39Dean will appear
34:39with us.
34:42Now, we're all
34:43rugged individualists
34:45on this dais.
34:46Hubert once
34:47coined a phrase
34:48when he said
34:48he was his own man
34:49and I'd try to be
34:51and I'd try to be
34:51my own man
34:51and Dean Martin,
34:52of course,
34:52is his own drunk.
34:56You know,
34:57paying tribute
34:59to Hubert Humphrey
35:01is a lot like
35:02sticking clothes
35:03in an old hand.
35:05People ask,
35:05what keeps
35:06an intelligent man
35:07in politics
35:07for so many years?
35:09Well, I know
35:09what's kept
35:10Hubert interested.
35:12Some of the babies
35:12he first kissed
35:1320 years ago
35:14are beginning
35:15to shape up.
35:15And yes,
35:25his next pharmacist,
35:26Hubert would be
35:26the first to admit
35:27that through the
35:28miracle of
35:29modern medicine,
35:30he still kisses
35:31pretty young girls
35:32and through the
35:33miracle of
35:34modern psychiatry,
35:35he means to
35:36find out why.
35:41For as Hubert
35:42confided to me,
35:43when you get
35:44to his age,
35:45your memory
35:45is the second
35:46thing to go.
35:59Forgive me,
36:00Muriel,
36:00I didn't write
36:01that thing.
36:04He's one of the
36:05few men in political
36:05life whose hair
36:06gets darker
36:07the older he gets.
36:08His opponents
36:08spread the word
36:09he was tinting
36:10his hair.
36:11And now I know
36:12what they mean
36:12when they say
36:13that Hubert Humphrey
36:14is dying to get
36:15into the White
36:15House.
36:18But optimism
36:19is a Humphrey
36:20trademark.
36:20Someone wants
36:21to find an optimist
36:22as a little old
36:23lady who starts
36:24to put her shoes
36:24on when Hubert
36:25Humphrey says,
36:25and in conclusion,
36:27and I must say
36:31that it's true,
36:31Hubert is to
36:32public speaking
36:32what termites
36:33are to an old
36:34barn.
36:34now this next one
36:42comes strictly
36:43from me,
36:44Hubert,
36:44with all the
36:45wiretapping
36:45and bugging
36:46that goes on
36:47today.
36:48I think you're
36:49one of the few
36:49important national
36:50figures who seems
36:51to be immune.
36:54I mean,
36:54who's going to
36:55pay for the
36:57amount of tape
36:58that would require
36:58to record one
36:59of your conversation.
37:09What I really
37:10like about Hubert
37:11is the tremendous
37:12interest he takes
37:13in people.
37:13I saw it just this
37:14afternoon as we
37:15were at the airport
37:16coming out here.
37:17He spent two hours
37:19talking, two hours
37:21talking to just
37:22one little old man
37:23and all the guy
37:24did was to ask him
37:25where's the men's
37:26room.
37:30Hubert had to
37:30respond by saying,
37:31well, now there are
37:32two sides to that
37:33question.
37:36You know,
37:37there are 535
37:40members of the
37:41Congress.
37:43They're not all
37:44perfect.
37:45Some are dynamic
37:46leaders.
37:48Some are rather
37:48mediocre.
37:50Some, quite frankly,
37:50don't measure up to
37:51the job at all.
37:53But let me tell you,
37:56that Hubert is,
37:58well, he's in there
37:59somewhere.
38:09Thank you very much.
38:17He's about 6'12".
38:25Thank you, Senator.
38:29And now, Senator
38:30Humphrey, we're very
38:32pleased to have with us
38:33the man who managed
38:35your campaign for
38:36presidency in 1968,
38:39your closest friend and
38:40political advisor,
38:41here, Mr. Foster
38:43Brooks.
39:13Hi, Noobie.
39:21I just...
39:22I still can't figure out how...
39:25I can't figure out how the heck we lost.
39:29The only way I can figure it out, it must have been simply bad timing.
39:44You just happened to be running for president the same day Nixon was.
39:51And one day, either way, you would have been a shoo...
40:06Then instead of tricky, tricky, we'd have to have...
40:14You'll be the blue...
40:15Even as it was, it came pretty close.
40:32If one half of a person out of every hundred people who voted for Nixon...
40:41Had voted for...
40:46Had voted for...
40:53For the senator...
40:58We would have won, that's all.
41:02One half...
41:03One half of the person.
41:05And if he voted for Nixon, you can guess which half of the person who won.
41:10Has Mr. Sinatra here just told you?
41:25I happen to be one of the senator's closest friends.
41:39Whom do you think drank all the punch there, Hubert says?
41:42Please ask.
41:43My friends, I taught him everything he knows about politics.
41:58Before I got a hold of him, he thought Henry Cabot Lodge was a motel.
42:13And that Barry Goldwater was a urologist.
42:27So I can assure you that Hubert Humbley would have made a wonderful president just as he made a wonderful...
42:35Vice...
42:36Vice...
42:36Vice president.
42:39And did you know that he was the most active vice president we ever had?
42:47He used to get up at six o'clock every morning so he could run down and collect his unemployment insurance.
42:56And he is such a generous and compassionate man.
43:02When he heard that that watch was burning, he sent the inhabitants a whole truckload of marshmallows.
43:20And unlike other politicians, you never hear any stories about Humphrey and Brods.
43:28And I know that he was the only one who paid him all off.
43:33And I know that he was the only one who paid him all off.
43:52Now, ladies and gentlemen, it's a real pleasure for me to present our distinguished man of
44:18the week, one of the truly great figures on the American political scene, the Honorable
44:23Senator from the state of Minnesota, Senator Hubert Humphrey.
44:37Thank you very much.
44:48Well, thank you, Dean.
44:49First of all, I want to confess something tonight.
44:53For all these years, since 1968, I've been trying to fashion some kind of a rationale
45:00as to why we lost the election, other than the fact we didn't get enough votes.
45:05Tonight, I found out, and I want to tell you I enjoyed losing it, and I want to thank
45:09the fact you would have made a fine campaign manager.
45:24When Dean Martin invited me, I readily accepted.
45:29I wanted to find out the difference between Dean Martin and whiskey.
45:34And I just found out, whiskey improves with age.
45:49And on my own, Dean, you do too.
45:52Dean.
45:53I'm going to let you in on a secret.
46:01For a long time, I've admired the ability that Dean Martin has and has demonstrated by
46:08surrounding himself with beautiful women.
46:12He undoubtedly could be called the Henry Kissinger of television, if you know what I mean.
46:17And I want to thank all the rest of you here, all of you here in the dais tonight, for making
46:25me feel at home tonight.
46:28In fact, I only wish I'd stayed there after what I heard.
46:34Now, we Democrats always like to come out to California.
46:37It's a state that has long been one of our primary concerns.
46:44So to speak.
46:45Now, take Sam Clemente.
46:50In fact, that's what they did.
47:00Seriously, I don't think that any public office holder has ever been so honored as I have this
47:06evening.
47:07That is, since the time the Roman Senate threw a surprise party for Julius Caesar.
47:11That was back there when Brutus was in charge of the dirty tricks department, as you recall.
47:20Just getting your most impressive invitation, Dean, was most exciting to me.
47:26It was, I'll let you in on it, what it was like.
47:29It was gilt-edged, and it had engraving on it, and it said, you have been chosen for this tribute
47:36because you are a person of singular achievement, unique ability, and exceptional integrity.
47:44And it was addressed, occupant.
47:58And I want you to know that I don't really harbor any resentment towards any of the people here on the dais
48:04because you were merely vicious and tricky and vindictive.
48:10As our president would say, you were only being overzealous.
48:14You were nice to include my good friend of the Senate, Senator Lowell Weicker.
48:21And I'll tell you why.
48:22Because he's had so little exposure, as you know, on television.
48:29By the way, the things he was saying here tonight are obviously fictitious.
48:33No, no, no reason to believe him at all.
48:36All this business about my long talk is only based on fact.
48:39I don't know why this fellow is trying to peddle his stuff.
48:43Senator Weicker, we all know, is a member of the Watergate Committee.
48:48And that's a committee, I might add, that has uncovered more phonies than a nudist camp in Hollywood.
48:56Personally, I want to keep this off from politics.
49:00I don't want it to be a partisan occasion in any way.
49:02I trust Republicans, and I really do.
49:05Back in 1972, they said, for example, that if I voted Democratic, inflation would run rampant.
49:13The dollar would lose its value, and our economy would be in chaos.
49:17And I voted Democratic, and they were absolutely right.
49:21Just last night, I was at a $100 a plate dinner here in Los Angeles, and it wasn't even a political function.
49:39As a matter of fact, it just tells you what it costs to eat out these days.
49:42Yes, when President Nixon said that he was going to make everything perfectly clear,
49:50we didn't know that he meant the supermarket shelves, did we?
49:55So, in appreciation of this sumptuous repast, Mr. Martin,
50:00and in eternal gratitude for having Hubert Humphrey to kick around some more,
50:05I want to leave you with three words.
50:11Separate checks, please, Dean.
50:14Thank you very much.
50:24I always like the way Hubert Humphrey makes speeches.
50:28He just gets up and talks and talks until he thinks he's got something to say.
50:32Hi, everybody.
50:34I'm on my way home, Captain, now you're warm up to hot chocolate.
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