- 7 weeks ago
The subject roasted is current Republican senator Barry Goldwater, formerly the losing candidate in the 1964 Presidential race.
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00:00The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.
00:23Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star-studded roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.
00:33They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in person.
00:41The Man of the Week
00:44Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.
00:48And tonight's very special Man of the Week, and a very bold lobby.
01:08Sit down, my dear Senators.
01:10Sit down.
01:11Well, tonight, we're gathered here to pay tribute to a great Republican senator from the state of Arizona.
01:20I feel kind of funny standing here to the right of Goldwater.
01:26I didn't think anybody could be to the right of Goldwater.
01:31The senator is truly a great American.
01:33He's so patriotic on the 4th of July, he hangs Johnny Man out the window.
01:38He's so loyal to our country, when he goes to a Chinese restaurant, he orders American food.
01:50As you know, the senator is a great supporter of President Nixon.
01:54Nixon would have been here, but he's being roasted himself right now.
01:58As senator of Arizona, he's loved by all the people, especially the Indians.
02:07Whenever he visits an Indian reservation, all the Indians call him the Great White Father.
02:13And two of the squaws actually proved it in court.
02:16And there's also his war record.
02:27When World War II broke out, he spent all of the war years begging and pleading to be shipped overseas.
02:35Unfortunately, he was in Germany at the time.
02:37After the war, he went to work in Goldwater's department store in Arizona, which was owned by his grandfather.
02:46He started out as a window dresser, where every day he worked with dummies.
02:51From there, it was just a short step to politics.
03:01Senator, a lot of people who wanted to be here tonight couldn't, but they sent telegrams.
03:06You are also remembered by the Arizona Indians.
03:09They sent an obscene smoke signal.
03:11But that...
03:11I'd like to read some of the...
03:14The first one comes from Senator George McGovern.
03:17Dear Barry, I think you and I should join forces.
03:21Let's have a national convention of all the people who voted for you in 64
03:25and all the people who voted for me in 72.
03:28We can hold it in my Volkswagen.
03:30Here's one from Mr. and Mrs. Glenn Mocklett, the people you saved from drowning a few weeks
03:41ago.
03:42Dear Senator Goldwater, we sure were lucky that you were around to give us mouth-to-mouth
03:46resuscitation.
03:48Who else but a politician would have had so much hot air?
03:53And finally, here's one from the Ace Brasier Company.
04:02Dear Senator, we are introducing a new line and have decided to call it the Barry Goldwater
04:07Brawl.
04:08It's for women who lean to the right.
04:10And even though, even though it's all...
04:20Even though critics agree that Bill Conrad's talents make canon a hit show, success never
04:27went to Bill's head, it went to his stomach.
04:30Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bill Conrad.
04:32Thank you very much, Dean.
04:45I'm here tonight to pay tribute to a fellow flyer, Major General Barry Goldwater.
04:51Retired U.S. Air Force, we both won our pilot's wings at Luke Field, Phoenix, Arizona.
05:03We both served in World War II.
05:06And at that time, Barry Goldwater was on our side.
05:10But even then, I knew that you would go far, Senator, go far in the service because you
05:22studied humility under General MacArthur and took charm lessons from General Patton.
05:33As a bomber pilot, General Goldwater single-handedly laid waste to 11 major cities.
05:40And then he went overseas.
05:47I remember after one mission, Barry came back with his plane heavily damaged and started
05:51to land with his wheels up.
05:53The tower got on at an emergency frequency and said,
05:56Goldwater, you're landing with your wheels up.
05:58If you can hear me, waggle your wings.
06:00And Barry replied, I'm landing anyway because I'm out of gas.
06:05If you can hear me, waggle your tower.
06:10Luckily, I happened to be there with a pocket knife.
06:16And I was able to extract some of the shrapnel from General Goldwater.
06:20It was the first time I've ever been thanked for getting the lead out of my brass.
06:25But that's all behind him now.
06:42General, I salute you.
06:44Mr. Norm Crosby.
07:06Thank you, Dean.
07:09And today, as you all know, we honor Senator Barry Goldwater, a man of great repute, a man
07:16of depth, a man of perversion, statesman, politician, and former head of the largest department
07:24store in Phoenix, Arizona.
07:26And that is a great story.
07:28He began in the shipping room, sweeping floors.
07:31This is the truth.
07:32And just 18 months after starting with the company, he was named chairman of the board
07:38at the incredible age of 16.
07:43It was astounding.
07:44This is the truth.
07:45Amazing.
07:47And when the retiring president gave him the keys to the executive suite, young Barry,
07:52tears streaming from his pupil,
07:53rose and stood up in a voice quivering with emotion and whispered, thanks, Dad.
08:12From then on, his rise to fame was vitriolic.
08:15Many years later, when President Johnson declared war on puberty, it was Senator Goldwater who
08:24said, and I quote, wherever there is unemployment, you'll find men out of work.
08:33He's a genius.
08:36He's always been for the little man, for the underdeveloped people in backward countries,
08:41countries where they've never even learned to read.
08:42But now, thanks to his legislation, we are sending them books.
08:48And that's conservative thinking.
08:53We send books to people who can't even read.
08:57It was Senator Goldwater himself who warned his party years ago that if they kept raising
09:03liquor and automobile taxes, they would lose the drunken driver vote.
09:12Senator Goldwater has one hero, Christopher Columbus, who he thinks would have made a fantastic
09:20politician.
09:22Because when Columbus started out, he did not know where he was going.
09:25When he got there, he didn't know where he was.
09:28When he returned, he didn't know where he'd been.
09:31And he did the whole thing on somebody else's money.
09:43In confusion, let us remember the words of this great American who once said,
09:53if you don't pitch in and do your part, and we in Washington don't pitch in and do our
09:59part, that pretty soon none of us will have a part to pitch in.
10:03Now, from the Democratic side of the Goldwater family, here is Senator Goldwater's nephew,
10:22the sheriff of half-staff Arizona, Bubbly Goldwater.
10:33I'm much obliged to you, Mr. Mayor.
10:39One of my favorites.
10:42Uncle Bear, it's been a long time, hasn't it?
10:47Does everybody in the family still have to call you Mr. President?
10:52Makes you surprised to see me, Uncle Bear.
10:55Seeing as how you wanted to have me committed.
10:57Being a Democrat.
11:05Look at all, boy, I'm thrilled.
11:07I tell you, all these famous people come to honor you.
11:10None of them know you.
11:16Yeah.
11:16None of them voted for you.
11:28Dean never votes at all.
11:29He only leaves the house on Fridays.
11:34Remember when you told me, Bubbly?
11:38I thought he said Charlie did.
11:44William Holden just said something.
11:50He said, you see me in picnic?
11:52He said, Bubbly, follow in my footsteps.
12:08And I said, Uncle Bear, I want to win.
12:11I'll tell you something, Uncle Bear.
12:19When the history of America is written, you're lucky if you're a footnote.
12:23Good night.
12:34Good night.
12:35Good night, Steve.
12:43That was Steve Lansberg.
12:46Sheriff, I got some bad news for you.
12:49You better get out of the parking lot.
12:50Your horse just molested a Mustang up there.
12:53Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Carol O'Connor.
13:02Thank you very much.
13:03I'll tell you why I'm here tonight.
13:05They needed a token liberal.
13:10Even though the senator is a conservative Republican,
13:13let's take time out to consider all the progressive things he's done for us liberals.
13:23That's long enough, time anyway.
13:29Barry Goldwater is the senior senator of Arizona.
13:32And believe me, it's not easy representing 100,000 square miles of kitty litter.
13:38Barry always wanted to run for president in the worst way, and in 1964, he did that.
13:47That was the year when he was bragging that he wasn't a politician.
13:51The election returns.
13:52The election returns.
13:54Boy, I'm out.
14:01Thank you very much, and good night.
14:03Good night, Senator.
14:03Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bill Holden.
14:10Thank you, Dean.
14:24It's a pleasure for me to be here tonight
14:28and pay homage to Barry Goldwater
14:32and, in my estimation, one of the greatest politicians in America today.
14:44But as we're learning lately,
14:47what a politician says
14:50and what he means
14:52are two different things.
14:54Just for example,
15:02I have here a copy of a campaign speech
15:06that Barry made in 1964.
15:10And he said,
15:11Thank you, my fellow Americans.
15:16It's really a thrill for me to be here
15:18in the great city of Butte,
15:21in the great state of Montana.
15:24Now, that's just two lies already.
15:33Well, I ask you,
15:35how could anybody be thrilled to be in Butte, Montana?
15:40I spend an evening in Butte, Montana,
15:43and the big night is to go down to the corner gas station
15:46and watch them load the cigarette machine.
15:50Then on Saturday, if you're lucky,
15:52you can watch hair grow.
15:54But, let's go on.
16:00He says,
16:01I come to you tonight
16:02not as a presidential candidate.
16:05But...
16:06Now, translated,
16:16what that means is
16:17see if you've still got your wallet.
16:24But if I were president,
16:26we would not be fighting in Vietnam.
16:30That's right.
16:31You know, something...
16:32If you'd been elected president,
16:33we'd be fighting in China, Russia,
16:36he said,
16:37I will remove pornography from the streets of America
16:47and put it where it belongs.
16:53At home in his den.
16:55But in all seriousness,
17:02Senator Goldwater,
17:04I am delighted and happy,
17:06and this is a very proud evening for me.
17:08Every night,
17:15some of the most important members
17:16of our political society
17:18gather at a nightclub
17:20in the Shoreham Hotel
17:21to laugh and listen
17:22to the sharp,
17:23biting political satirist
17:25I'm about to introduce.
17:27Nobody takes offense at Mark
17:28because he carries on
17:30in the tradition of Will Rogers,
17:32Russell Baker,
17:33and Mark Balkwald.
17:34Ladies and gentlemen,
17:35Mr. Mark Russell.
17:45Thank you, Dean.
17:45It's a privilege to be here
17:47in honor of the distinguished senator.
17:50You know, recalling the campaign of 1964,
17:53Barry Goldwater ran
17:55as a conservative's conservative.
17:57Compared to him,
17:58Calvin Coolidge was an acid freak.
18:00As a conservative,
18:06Mr. Goldwater has been quoted
18:07as saying,
18:09when asked what he would do
18:11in case of an enemy attack,
18:12I'd put the wagons in a circle.
18:16Well, that's...
18:17No, no, he didn't say that at all.
18:21That's simply hearsay and innuendo.
18:23What he did say was,
18:25I'd tell the bugler
18:26to sound a charge,
18:27and I'd get word
18:28to General Custer immediately.
18:29is, you know.
18:36Born in Arizona territory,
18:39his father was Jewish
18:40and his mother Protestant.
18:42This heritage was evident
18:43years after
18:44when he voted to send
18:45half a jet to Israel.
18:51If he had been a full Jew,
18:53Arizona will have been
18:54irrigated by that.
18:55The thing I really admire most
19:06about you, Senator Goldwater,
19:07is the way you can look a man
19:10in the eye
19:11and tell him flat out
19:13how you think
19:14that the country should be run.
19:16and how you can keep
19:19a straight face
19:20when you're doing it!
19:21I can never figure out
19:35how Barry Goldwater got away from me.
19:39I can never figure out how Barry Goldwater got away from me.
19:51After all, he's handsome, intelligent,
19:56and I was so rich.
19:57Barry was very special in my life.
20:03Only in America could a humble Hungarian girl like me
20:06meet and fall in love with her wealthy department store owner.
20:10But politics makes strange bedfellows.
20:14I'll never forget our first dinner date.
20:21I'm not going to say what happened.
20:24But Barry dear, how can they call you a conservative?
20:28Thank you, darling.
20:33Thank you, darling.
20:42Thank you, Jar Jar.
20:45Here's a gentleman who moved Senator Goldwater 30 years ago
20:49when they both served together on the same plane during World War II.
20:53Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Staff Sergeant Donald Rice
20:57of the United States Air Force.
21:03When I first met Senator Goldwater, he was wearing a flight suit,
21:12a helmet, oxygen mask.
21:18At the time, it was a little ridiculous.
21:20He was riding a horse.
21:31He loved his country and he wanted to fly.
21:34His patriotism was so strong that sometimes you got the feeling that
21:38if he were ever a flagpole sitter,
21:41and the president died, he'd come down halfway.
21:44I must admit that he was fearless.
21:59I remember one time on a mission over China, he was away from the controls, tightening a loose hydraulic connection,
22:07when he spotted an engine on fire.
22:11He turned to the co-pilot's controls and calmly tapped him on the shoulder with a wrench he had in his hand.
22:17Saying we're on fire.
22:31And the co-pilot landed the plane safely in spite of a broken shoulder.
22:40Colonel Goldwater faced many dangers and he never took off without, on a mission, without first taking out a $2 insurance policy.
22:59Each time naming a different girl as beneficiary.
23:06You used to get a lot of mileage out of two bucks.
23:13But Senator, I've always had tremendous admiration for you, and I never knew how much the people in Arizona really loved you.
23:26Until last week in Phoenix, I checked into a motel and found that the Gideon Bible had been replaced by your book, Conscience of a Conservative.
23:35No, we all know, Dan Rowan is half of the comedy team of Rowan and Martin.
23:52His ability as an actor has been compared to Cary Grant's.
23:56And Dan always suffers in the comparison.
24:00There you go, Mr. Dan Rowan.
24:05The Senator's cousin, Bubba Lee, said that nobody on the dais knows Senator Goldwater, and none of us voted for him.
24:20And I'd just like to contradict the least part of that, because I've known Barry Goldwater for many years.
24:25As a matter of fact...
24:26Well, it's a secret polling booth we have over here, see?
24:32Now, I met Senator one day in the White House mess, which is just down the hall from where they eat.
24:39And it's called Congress.
24:49I'm really very happy to be here with Senator on such a happy occasion, because I happen to know that Barry is celebrating a night.
24:56He just found out that one of his phone calls with President Nixon has been nominated for a Grammy.
25:06Barry Goldwater is probably one of the most popular men in the Senate.
25:10And for one very good reason, he is one of the few men in the United States Senate that will give you a direct answer to a direct question.
25:16Now, that's a fact.
25:18You come up to the Senate.
25:19Yes, sir.
25:20We'll tell you.
25:22Right on.
25:23You ask Senator Goldwater what time it is, he looks at his watch, and he'll say, 2.30.
25:29It may be 8 o'clock, but he'll tell you, 2.30.
25:35I guess that Barry's family background's no secret.
25:39He came from a long line of Germans, but in the first term, so did President Nixon.
25:43The original family name was Goldwasser, but Barry had it changed, and you can understand that.
25:56I certainly can.
25:57How would it sound?
25:58If the President's looking for me, I'll be over at the Wassergate.
26:01I mean, you know.
26:03So tell him not to bug me.
26:05It's no secret that the President's been going around the country, and he's been saying that the President should release the tapes.
26:14And I think it's a great idea to release the tapes.
26:17You know, as a matter of fact, if he releases those tapes, you can make a wonderful television series out of them.
26:24You could call it, lots of luck.
26:33Great pleasure to be here.
26:35Thank you very much.
26:45Now, ladies and gentlemen, here's our man of the week, distinguished senator from the state of Arizona, Senator Barry Gold.
26:54Thank you, Dean.
27:14I appreciate your honoring me tonight, even though we're of different political philosophies.
27:21You see, I'm a conservative drinker, and you're a liberal drunk.
27:34Now, some people are in disagreement about what I stand for.
27:38After tonight, you can see I stand for a lot.
27:41And Dean can't stand at all.
27:56And then there's Dan Rowan, who usually works with Dick Martin.
27:59You'll notice he doesn't work so well by himself.
28:04But Dan, I want to predict that someday you'll be as well known as my ex-comedy partner, Bill Miller.
28:14And speaking with a rotten man named Bill brings us to Bill Holden, the actor who runs a game preserve in Africa.
28:24Bill, I've always said that, as an actor, you are one of the gamiest.
28:39And, Jaja, thanks for joining us.
28:42Both of you.
28:43And I'll kind of overlook Norm Crosby as much as I'd like to.
28:53Norm, who is the comedy, what surfing is to the economy of Arizona.
28:58It would be impossible to skip over Bill Conrad.
29:08It's hard enough just to walk around him.
29:18And it was especially nice of Carol O'Connor to be here tonight.
29:22As you all know, Carol is a Democrat, which is one of the main reasons I'm proud to be a Republican.
29:28You know, listening to this group, I don't know why they say there's a gas shortage.
29:44I'm here tonight as the living proof that not every American boy can grow up to be president.
29:50But I've always been a good loser.
30:03Perhaps not as good as George McGovern.
30:08In fact, I've been accused of being sympathetic to wealthy taxpayers.
30:13Well, after this administration, there won't be any wealthy taxpayers.
30:16The people who voted Republican have no beef coming.
30:36I might say that the worst thing about inflation is that it comes at a very bad time.
30:42Just when the prices are so high.
30:46But really, I'd like to thank you for inviting me here tonight.
30:55And in return, I ask you all to come visit me in Arizona.
30:59Just let me know when you're coming.
31:02Because in the words of the song,
31:05by the time you get to Phoenix, I'll be leaving.
31:16Well, that's our show for tonight.
31:22I want to thank all my wonderful guests for being here tonight.
31:25In particular, I want to thank Senator Barry Goldwater for being such a good sport.
31:30A lot of people make fun of Barry for being a hawk.
31:33Personally, I don't care whether a politician is a hawk or a dove.
31:37I just wish we could get rid of some of the turkeys.
31:42Good night, everybody.
31:42And on the way home, I'm going to warm up the hot chocolate.
31:45I wish we could get rid of some of the turkeys.
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