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Tv, Mind Your Language - S01 - E07 - The Cheating Game
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00:00Do-do-do-do
00:30when we are fat.
00:45Mr Brown?
00:48Hello Miss Courtney.
00:49Why are you creeping about?
00:51I didn't want to disturb you.
00:52Considerate.
00:54Perhaps you wouldn't mind creeping into the office, I want a word with you.
01:00You may sit.
01:04Now, Mr. Brown, the other evening, after everyone had gone,
01:09I went into the gentleman's toilet.
01:11I'm sure that was a perfectly natural mistake.
01:14I went because the caretaker had complained about the graffiti on the walls.
01:18Now, Mr. Brown, it is just not good enough.
01:21Oh, I don't know. I thought some of it was rather witty.
01:23It was disgusting.
01:26Someone had written, Enoch Powell rules okay.
01:29Yes, well, with all due respect, I'd hardly call that disgusting.
01:32It was what was written underneath that I found most objectionable.
01:35Oh, what was that?
01:37Miss Courtney is crackers.
01:40Yes, well, it may not have been one of my students who was responsible.
01:43Yes, certainly was.
01:44How can you be so sure?
01:45Who else but a foreigner would spell crackers, K-R-A-double-K-E-R-S?
01:50Well, I'll see it doesn't happen again.
01:52There's just one more thing, Mr. Brown.
01:54Yes, Miss Courtney?
01:55In a few weeks' time, your students will be sitting for their lower Cambridge certificate.
01:59Yes, and we're all looking forward to it.
02:01I'm sure we're all going to pass with flying colours.
02:03And you have more faith in them than I have.
02:05Now, here is a set of last year's examination papers.
02:08I suggest this evening that you set them a mock exam and see how good, or otherwise, they are.
02:17Closer.
02:18It's all right.
02:22Very good.
02:24Don't forget to be getting my turban in.
02:28Smile, please.
02:29Now, who want picture?
02:38Yes, please.
02:39One for my brother.
02:41Two for me.
02:43Awesome.
02:46One for me, please.
02:49Me too.
02:51You two of our two?
02:55One, two.
02:57One.
02:57One, two for me, please.
03:00That is, I am meaning one, two as well.
03:05Not one, two.
03:08One.
03:09I'd like also to be having one for me.
03:12And one for my mother, one for my father, one for my brother, one for my sister, one for my uncle, and one for my auntie.
03:18And one for his donkey.
03:19Steakies and stonies may break my bonies, but the names will never be hurting me, you clever monkey.
03:26Just have a note.
03:28Correcto.
03:30Your book, Daniel.
03:31Thank you, Max.
03:32It's all right.
03:33Your handbag.
03:34Just a minute.
03:35Hey, next time you carry the handbag, huh?
03:38No, I think it'd suit you more.
03:41Hey, give me a kiss.
03:44Your handbag.
03:48Thank you, Giovanni.
03:49You just missed it.
03:50We are having our photographs taken by Taro.
03:53Taro?
03:54I would very much like you to take a photograph of me.
03:57Hey, I've taken your picture.
03:58You have not the camera.
04:00Sure, I've got the camera at home.
04:01You come back with me after the class and we take lots of pictures.
04:05And then we can see what develops.
04:07Hey, what do you say?
04:08I say no.
04:11You want a picture in classroom?
04:14Yes.
04:16How about here?
04:20Mmm.
04:21Bellissima.
04:23Morpho.
04:24Magnifico.
04:25Hey, hire.
04:26Excuse, please.
04:27No more hire.
04:28You are giving me nerdy tarts.
04:32Me too.
04:33But I'm liking them very much.
04:36Now I take home.
04:37Ready?
04:38Ready.
04:39Madre mÃa.
04:41No good.
04:42No good?
04:43You must be joking.
04:44She's beautiful.
04:45Too close.
04:47Can get in, no.
04:48Top half or bottom.
04:51But you are not taking her bottom.
04:54Just take the head and the shoulders.
04:56Yeah, you can take one of the legs for me after.
04:59Okay.
05:04Very good.
05:06Ready?
05:07Ready.
05:07Look at a camera.
05:10What's going on here?
05:12Oh, I'm having my photograph taken.
05:14Really?
05:15Very nice.
05:16Can you do me a big favour?
05:18What sort of favour?
05:19I would like to have a photograph taken with you.
05:21Yes, I don't think we've got time for that sort of thing.
05:23Oh, please.
05:24It's for my mother and father.
05:26I've told them all about you and they would love to have a photo.
05:29Yes, well...
05:30Oh, quite, Mr Brown.
05:31I think I'll get you a couple of minutes.
05:34I think I'll break.
05:35Is that all right with you, Tarot?
05:36Yes.
05:37Right.
05:38You sit here.
05:39Yeah, what about you?
05:40Are you sure this is for your parents?
05:47Of course.
05:48Ready?
05:50Look at the camera.
05:50We were having our photograph taken.
05:58I was not aware that photography was included in the curriculum.
06:01Yes, well, would you all sit down, please?
06:03And, uh, Danielle, would you stand up?
06:04But what about our photo?
06:07Yeah, well, we'll see about that later, all right?
06:08I'll sit down.
06:10It was for her parents.
06:12I...
06:12just came to bring you the answers to last year's examination papers.
06:18Huh.
06:22I hope I didn't get you into trouble.
06:24I'll survive.
06:25Right, now, before we do anything else,
06:26I want all the male students to write down the word crackers on a piece of paper.
06:30Crackers?
06:31Yes, I want to find out how you spell it.
06:33You don't know how to spell it?
06:37Yes, I do, but I want to see if you do.
06:39Hockey.
06:44Ah, so it was you.
06:46Please, you wrote this on the wall of the gent's toilet?
06:48Squeeze, please.
06:49I'm not writing anything on the wall of the toilet.
06:52All right, then how do you account for the fact that you've spelt crackers?
06:55K-R-A-K-K-E-R-S.
06:58Whereas you looked at everybody else's paper,
07:00you will discover that they have spelt it.
07:02Well, at least you're all consistent.
07:05Right, in future, please, no more writing on walls.
07:07Now, pay attention.
07:08In a few weeks' time, you will all be sitting for your examinations.
07:12That is good.
07:13Much better to be sitting for examination than standing.
07:16I'll rephrase that.
07:18In a few weeks' time, you will all be taking your lower Cambridge certificate.
07:21And to find out how you're progressing, we are going to have a mock exam.
07:25That is to say, an imaginary one.
07:28Right, during the second half of the lesson,
07:30I want to see how many you can answer
07:32to find out your strengths and weaknesses.
07:35You can study the questions during the tea break.
07:37I would rather be studying the answers.
07:40Yes, I'm sure you would.
07:41Right, now, firstly, have you all done your homework?
07:43Yes.
07:45Good, well, we'll see how well you've done.
07:47Juan.
07:48Por favor.
07:49For answer, did you give to question one,
07:52explain what is wrong with the following sentence,
07:54the cows was in the field.
07:56Ah, momentito.
07:57The cows was not in the field.
08:07No, Juan, that is not the correct answer.
08:10The cows was in another field.
08:15Cows were in the field.
08:17I didn't see them.
08:20All right, now, Ranji, question two.
08:23Name the three classes of gender and give an example of each.
08:27Thousand apologies.
08:29But I've answered that question with nothing.
08:31You mean you haven't answered the question?
08:33That is the guess of what I am saying.
08:36I am not comprehending the meaning of the word gender.
08:40Gender is the grammatical classification of the sex of proper nouns.
08:44But you are learning about English, not about sex.
08:47You cannot learn sex from books, Ranji.
08:50You ever have it or you don't have it.
08:53I have it.
08:54I know all about sex.
08:55Me too.
08:59So may I remind you that we're not here to discuss sex.
09:03Why not?
09:04It is a very interesting subject.
09:07Yes, I'm aware of that, but there's a time and a place for everything.
09:10You tell me the time and the place and I shall be there.
09:14Quiet, please.
09:15Can we get back to the matter of your homework, Ranji?
09:17Quiet, the word gender refers to whether or not a proper noun is masculine or feminine.
09:22Now I'm understanding.
09:24And what is the other?
09:25Other what?
09:26Gender.
09:27There are three classes of gender.
09:28One is masculine, one is feminine, and the other is...
09:31Puff!
09:32Neuter.
09:33That's an apologist.
09:34Right.
09:35Sulee.
09:36Yes, Mr. Blount.
09:36Question three.
09:40Give the feminine of the following.
09:42Lion.
09:43Ryaness.
09:45Lioness.
09:46Ryaness.
09:47No, le.
09:47Le.
09:48Ruh.
09:49Ruh.
09:49You're not saying it right.
09:51Fairly solly.
09:52I know.
09:53Try saying Ryaness.
09:55Lioness.
09:55Good.
09:55Well, in future, every time you see an L, pretend it's an R, all right?
10:01Anna.
10:02Yeah.
10:03Feminine of Duke.
10:05Duke S.
10:07Duchess.
10:08Jamila.
10:09G.
10:10Now, be careful.
10:11The feminine of monkey.
10:13Monkey S.
10:15No.
10:16No?
10:17No, the feminine of monkey is monkey.
10:19There is no difference between masculine and feminine.
10:21Squeeze, please.
10:22You are mistaken.
10:23I am seeing them in the zoo, and there is a very big difference.
10:29I am referring to the word itself, not their physical appearance.
10:34Ali.
10:35Yes, please.
10:36Question four.
10:37Explain what is wrong with the following sentence.
10:39Waiter, I would like some chops of pork.
10:43Waiter, I would not like some chops of pork.
10:46No, Ali, that's not right.
10:48Yes, please.
10:50It is against my religion to be eating pork.
10:53The word pork is immaterial.
10:55How do you feel about lamb?
10:56Oh, blimey.
10:57I like lamb very much.
10:58Right.
10:59You better suppose that the question read,
11:00Waiter, I would like some chops of lamb.
11:02What is wrong with that?
11:03I should be asking for minty sauce.
11:07You should be asking for lamb chops, not chops of lamb.
11:11Jelly good.
11:12Thanks.
11:12Question five.
11:14Quite a hard one, this.
11:16Construct a sentence using the word indisposition.
11:21Sure.
11:23Every Saturday, I play football, and I am being the goalie keeper, because I like playing indisposition.
11:33Silence.
11:34Look, this is no laughing matter.
11:35Sir, if your present standard is anything to go by, you haven't a chance of passing your exams.
11:39Well, I suggest you all take an early tea break, study those questions, and let's hope that you show some signs of intelligence.
11:44Otherwise, we might as well stop wasting each other's time.
11:46Hey, Max.
11:59Professor, he's mad at us.
12:01Sure.
12:02We must do good with these questions.
12:04Yeah, we've got to get every question right.
12:06How do we do that?
12:07I've got an idea.
12:10Professor, he's got the answers, right?
12:12So?
12:13So we get them from him.
12:15He's not going to give them to us?
12:17He don't have to.
12:19We steal at them.
12:39There you are, dearie.
12:41Tempe, thank you.
12:43Who's next?
12:44Me, please.
12:46Oh, tea or coffee?
12:47Hot water.
12:49Hot water?
12:51Yes, please.
12:52I bring my own teabag.
12:55You can't do that.
12:57But I'm already doing it.
12:59I'm starting economy right.
13:01But that teabag's already been used.
13:04Most definitely.
13:06I'm making three cups of tea out of one teabaggie.
13:08Well, I'm sorry you can't make your own tea.
13:12Oh, blimey.
13:13Then I'm not having any at all.
13:15Next.
13:15Who's next?
13:17Buenas noches, my little flower.
13:20How beautiful you look tonight.
13:22Just like a Madonna.
13:23Are you talking to me?
13:26Si.
13:27No.
13:28No, whatever it is you're after.
13:32It's nothing.
13:34Well, maybe just one little thing.
13:36You see, I am a little tall with the money.
13:45I pay for the coffee tomorrow, no?
13:47No.
13:48No money, no coffee.
13:49Ah, Ranjit, you are my friend, mi amigo.
13:55You lend me ten pence.
13:57I'm only having ten pence.
13:59Sorry.
14:02Señora, gracias.
14:05Ah, thank you.
14:06Hey, you are taking my last ten pence.
14:09You, my very good friend.
14:13Coffee, please.
14:16Tempe, I'm not having any money.
14:18You're not having any coffee.
14:24Can you be lending me ten pence?
14:28Yes, okay.
14:30Thousand thank yous.
14:31But I'm making one condition.
14:33What is that?
14:34I want to hear you say,
14:36all Muslims are nice, kind, and most wonderful persons.
14:41If I am saying that, you'll be lending me ten pence?
14:44If you are saying that, I will be giving you ten pence.
14:48Very well.
14:49All Muslims are nice, kind, and wonderful persons.
14:53Jolly good.
14:56There's only one thing.
14:57What, please?
14:58All Sikhs are very big liars.
15:03Now listen, everybody, because this is very important.
15:07What's the matter?
15:08Now, he's about the test we have.
15:09Yeah, we've got to do good.
15:10Otherwise, we're all in the minestrone.
15:14In the soup.
15:15That's right.
15:16Now, we have the plan.
15:17What plan?
15:19We pinch the answers.
15:21That is cheating.
15:23That's right.
15:24I do not cheat.
15:25Perhaps the exam is not too bad.
15:27Maybe we can answer the question, okay?
15:29It's not too difficult.
15:33Let's have a look.
15:35Question one.
15:37Construct sentences using the following types of clauses.
15:40A verbal clause of time, noun clause as object of preposition,
15:45and main clause coordinate with first.
15:50Well, Anna?
15:51How will we steal the answers?
15:53Mr. Brown, your students have been at it again.
15:58Oh, it's not more graffiti.
15:59No, not this time.
16:00Read this.
16:01Young virile male student wishes to meet nice lady from cookery class
16:04for evenings of mutual pleasure.
16:05Reply Maximilian Papandrios.
16:08Kindly inform, Mr. Papandrios,
16:10that the notice board is for official notices
16:12and not for procuring young women.
16:13Right.
16:14I'm sure his intentions were quite innocent.
16:17Evenings of mutual pleasure?
16:19Yes.
16:19Well, he probably only wanted her to whip up an omelette.
16:21Well, tell him to whip up his own omelettes.
16:25Right, I'll have a word with him.
16:27See that you do.
16:28Your coffee, Miss Courtney.
16:29Thank you, Gladys.
16:31Oh, by the way, Mr. Brown,
16:33how is the mock examination coming along?
16:35Oh, we haven't started it yet.
16:36We're going to get cracking just as soon as we've finished our tea break.
16:38Well, I do hope that the results will be good,
16:40otherwise I shall have to think about axing the course.
16:43Axing the course?
16:44You wouldn't do that, surely?
16:45I must certainly would.
16:47It would be a complete waste of time for them to carry on
16:49and sit for an examination they have no hope of passing.
16:53Thank you, Gladys.
16:57Well, that's it.
16:58I've had it.
16:59Well, I didn't think your class was as bad as that.
17:01Oh, they are at the moment.
17:03I'm sure that when the time comes,
17:04they'll pull through with flying colours,
17:05but right at the moment,
17:06the only thing they like to get right on the test paper
17:07is their names, and even that's doubtful.
17:09Well, you'll have to help them with the answers.
17:12Well, give them the answers.
17:13Yeah, and not exactly give them to them.
17:15Just leave them lying around where they can see them.
17:17That is cheating.
17:18No, not exactly.
17:20It's not as though it's a real exam.
17:22I mean, you said yourself they'd come out with flying colours.
17:25It's a pity if the course has to be cancelled,
17:28all because of failing a mock exam.
17:31But you know best.
17:50It's much too obvious.
17:57How are we stealing the answers?
18:00I know.
18:01First, we hit him on head.
18:03That's no good.
18:04We make too much mess.
18:06We've got to get him out of the class.
18:08How do we do that?
18:10I don't know.
18:11Hey, let's all think.
18:14Studying hard?
18:17Officori, you're here.
18:19Yes.
18:20Sit down.
18:23Have a cup of tea.
18:25Have two cups of tea.
18:27We'll be back.
18:28Max.
18:28Yeah, well, just a minute, Max,
18:29and I want to work with you.
18:30Me?
18:31Yeah, I believe that this, uh, this notice is yours.
18:35Sure.
18:36Yeah, well, I'm afraid that Miss Courtney will not allow you to have that on the notice board.
18:39Okay.
18:40As a point of interest, did anybody from the cookery class respond?
18:43Sure.
18:44She was beautiful.
18:45She was beautiful.
18:45We had a fantastic time.
18:47Never before I had such a time.
18:48Really?
18:49What does she cook for you?
18:50Cook?
18:51We had a takeaway.
18:52Yes.
18:53Max.
19:23That would be cheating, Mr. Brown, wouldn't it?
19:31Hurry up.
19:32Hurry up.
19:33Yeah.
19:33Nearly finish.
19:34All right.
19:36You're looking, Miss Abadette.
19:39Oh.
19:39Is Mr. Brown in the classroom?
19:43No.
19:43Mr. Brown is in the tea room.
19:45Down the corridor and on your left.
19:46I am familiar with the geography of this building.
19:49Sure.
19:50Would you mind moving?
19:52What for?
19:53I wish to enter the classroom.
19:54But Mr. Brown is in the tea room.
19:56So you have already told me, but I wish to wait for him in the classroom.
20:02Okay, Miss Courtney.
20:03You want to go into the classroom, Miss Courtney?
20:06I will open the door for you, Miss Courtney.
20:08I am not deaf.
20:09Oh, Mr. Capello, all ready for taking your exam.
20:20Sure.
20:21All ready.
20:22Good.
20:23Ah, Miss Courtney, did you want me?
20:25No.
20:25I just thought that I would supervise the class during their mock examination.
20:29Yes, well, there's no need to do that.
20:30I'm quite capable of doing it myself.
20:32Mr. Brown, when the students take their real exam,
20:34you will not be allowed to stay in the classroom, never mind supervise.
20:37It's a precaution against any attempt to cheat.
20:40Cheat?
20:41Yes.
20:42It has been known in the past for an over-enthusiastic teacher
20:45to provide his students with the answers.
20:47Really?
20:48How contemptible.
20:51Now, ladies and gentlemen,
20:52you have exactly one hour to complete this paper,
20:54starting from now.
20:57Excuse me, please, Miss Courtney.
20:58Yes?
20:59Can I spend a penny, please?
21:01All right, but hurry.
21:03You don't need to take your exercise book with you, do you?
21:06Just maybe I think of an answer, so I write it down.
21:18Well, come along, Mr. Nadine.
21:21Yes, please.
21:22Where do you go along to?
21:25We are not going along to anywhere.
21:27I just want you to get started on the answers.
21:29I'll do my best.
21:32Excuse me, please.
21:33Yes.
21:35Toilet, please.
21:36Very well, but don't belong.
21:41Oh, no.
21:43Oh, here are the answers.
21:45I put them in my book already.
21:46Good.
21:46I put them in my book.
21:48Hey, look, I go tell Ali, Ranjit,
21:49one and Darrow, then the girls.
21:51Okay.
21:52Hey.
21:53We pretty smart, eh?
21:54Sure.
21:55We have no trouble with this exam.
22:02I'll be very quick.
22:12Would you like to go to the toilet, Mr. Brown?
22:16No, no, not at all.
22:17Everyone else has been.
22:19Yes, well, it's probably the cold weather.
22:21We have another five minutes, Miss Schmidt.
22:25I'm finished.
22:26Oh, good.
22:27Then I'll take your book.
22:29Has anyone else finished?
22:31Yes, please.
22:32Now, collect up your books and I'll take them.
22:36Thank you very much.
22:37Right there.
22:39I shall take these home with me tonight
22:41and mark them personally.
22:43I do hope they've done reasonably well.
22:46So do I.
22:47Otherwise, it's the axe.
22:49Oh, blimey.
22:50You're jumping his head off?
22:54Only metaphorically.
22:56Oh, you have about two minutes, Miss Chunk?
22:59Not necessarily.
23:00Finished.
23:03Now, good night, everybody.
23:05Au revoir.
23:06I shall see you all tomorrow.
23:09No, just a minute, Miss Courtney.
23:11Won't you need the answers?
23:12I shan't need them, Mr. Brown.
23:14However, I might as well take them.
23:16It might speed up the marking.
23:17Oh.
23:20Is something the matter?
23:22These are the wrong answers.
23:25Oh, these aren't the answers to last year's paper.
23:28They're the previous years.
23:29I must have picked them up by mistake.
23:32Oh, I suppose last year's answers must still be in my filing cabinet.
23:34Are you feeling all right, Mr. Brown?
23:40You look a little peaky.
23:42No, no, I'm fine.
23:43Never felt better.
23:44No.
23:56Mr. Brown?
24:00Good evening, Miss Courtney.
24:04Mr. Brown.
24:06I marked your students' examination papers last night.
24:09Yes, well...
24:10It was unbelievable.
24:11I can explain.
24:12Everybody answered every question correctly.
24:14You see, what happened?
24:17Everybody answered every question correctly.
24:19Good Lord.
24:20I told you it was unbelievable.
24:22It was positively miraculous.
24:23See for yourself?
24:24But these are the answers you gave me last night.
24:26That's correct.
24:27But you said they were the previous year's answers.
24:29Yes, but I discovered last night
24:31that I had also given you the previous year's questions.
24:35Congratulations, Mr. Brown.
24:36Your students are a credit to you.
24:38Thank you, Mr. Brown.
25:08Thank you, Mr. Brown.
25:38Thank you, Mr. Brown.
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