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Tv, Allo Allo S1 E03 - Savile Row to the Rescue
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00:00We loved, we parted, as fate held a ring.
00:25Now there you stand, and nothing has happened.
00:30Vivette, a large cognac.
00:32I have it for you here when I...
00:35You are my love, my only love, once more.
00:40In me, you see a man who has problems.
00:44At that table over there are two German officers dressed as onion sellers
00:49because I gave their uniforms to some British airmen to help them to escape.
00:54However, the British airmen burned the uniforms, don't ask me why,
00:58and they are now hiding upstairs in the wardrobe of my wife's mother,
01:02who is in bed in the attic.
01:05Playing the piano is Monsieur Leclerc, jailbird and forger,
01:10who, in his youth, was the lover, God help him, of my wife's mother,
01:16and who, for all I know, might well be my wife's father.
01:22Herr Flick, the Gestapo officer, is also dressed as an onion seller
01:26in order to trace the missing painting by Van Klomp
01:29of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies,
01:32which I just happen to have upon my person.
01:39But even worse than all this, my wife, Edith,
01:43who you will have noticed cannot carry a tune in a bucket,
01:49is about to sing another chorus.
01:52The German lieutenant at that table there fancies me,
01:57and these two rings on my fingers contain two suicide pills.
02:04But I could go on forever.
02:06Rene, come into the back room, quickly.
02:09My little chicken, Maria.
02:11I have not time for that sort of thing now.
02:14The restaurant is full.
02:16Meet me tonight at 11 o'clock in the cold room by the icebox.
02:20No, Rene.
02:21Michel wants you in the back room.
02:24Michel from the resistance.
02:26Do not mention that word in here.
02:28Oh, that Michel will get me shot.
02:30Look after the bar.
02:32Can we still meet at 11 o'clock?
02:35Of course.
02:36Can we meet somewhere else waiting for you by the icebox?
02:39It's so unromantic.
02:42But you don't have to sit on it.
02:44All right, then. Meet me in the cold cellar.
02:47But I get so dirty in there.
02:49Yes, I know.
02:53Michel?
02:56Michel!
02:59I'm here.
03:00Why can't you wait in the room like an ordinary person?
03:04Because I'm not an ordinary person.
03:06To avoid being discovered by the Germans, I have to move with great cunning and secrecy.
03:11Otherwise, I will be shut.
03:12I understand.
03:13I have the same trouble with my wife.
03:20Now listen very carefully.
03:22I shall see this only once.
03:25You are to take this container.
03:26I see.
03:27And what does this container contain?
03:31Balls.
03:35Michel, up until now, our relationship has been on a very civilized and friendly basis.
03:39If I have ever said anything to offend you...
03:41Balls gin.
03:42Oh.
03:44This type of gin is colored a very pale blue.
03:47Well, I run a bar.
03:48I do know that.
03:49Natural glycerine is also colored a very pale blue.
03:52Oh.
03:53I didn't know that.
03:54But what is the connection?
03:56This is natural glycerine.
03:57Ah.
03:58Be very gentle with it.
04:00Do not drop it.
04:01Do not let anyone see it.
04:04Add it in your cellar.
04:05At 11 o'clock, there is going to be a big bang.
04:12But that was not definite.
04:13It was only a loose analogy.
04:18What are you talking about?
04:20What are you talking about?
04:22I am asking you to add this bottle in your cellar.
04:24It is to blow up the railway line.
04:27But the railway line does not run over my cellar.
04:30My straw runs over my cellar.
04:33I know that.
04:36I will be back to collect it quite soon.
04:38Well, in that case, why don't you just keep it?
04:40Because if the Germans find it, they will shoot me.
04:42Well, if they find it here, won't they shoot me?
04:45You have a cafe.
04:46You have a bar.
04:47Why should you not have a bottle of bowls, gin?
04:50If I could think of a reason, I would give you one.
04:57So here we go, the same refrain, the final encore.
05:02You are my love, my only love, once more.
05:07You are my love, my only love, once more.
05:12Oh, thank you for your kind of applause.
05:20Now, are there any requests?
05:23Two beers and some mochis.
05:24What would you like, Lieutenant?
05:25Well, I have a fancy for something a little different.
05:38What do you suggest?
05:39Maybe a small pot and lemon?
05:42Definitely.
05:43Very nicely.
05:45There is Monsieur René.
05:48I have been trying to catch his eye all night, but I think he is avoiding me.
05:51He has a lot on his mind at the moment, but I am sure he is not trying to avoid you.
05:57He is too busy trying to avoid his wife.
06:00That is very interesting.
06:02Ah, Monsieur René.
06:03Ah, Lieutenant.
06:04Have you got a drink?
06:05I was asking for something a little different.
06:06What is that you have there?
06:07Oh, it is just a very exotic gin.
06:08Ah, it is new to me.
06:09What is it?
06:10Balls.
06:11Ha.
06:12Sir.
06:13Monsieur René.
06:14Monsieur René.
06:15So far our relationship has been on a civilized befriended basis.
06:17I believe him anyway.
06:18No.
06:19No.
06:20No.
06:21B-O-L-S.
06:22Balls.
06:24Oh.
06:25Oh.
06:26So sorry!
06:27I am so sorry.
06:29I am so good to know what you are going to do.
06:34Yes, sir.
06:35Absolutely.
06:36Please.
06:37Thank you very much.
06:38Ah.
06:39Ah, indeed, not a good news.
06:40It is most intriguing. I will try some.
06:44Oh, no, no, no. I cannot open the bottle just for one gin.
06:48Well, make it two balls.
06:51You would have one also.
06:53No, even for two I cannot open it.
06:55Well, perhaps she would like one as well.
06:57Oh, yes, I would love one.
06:59You do not drink on duty.
07:01Since now.
07:02Perhaps you would like to give your wife one.
07:05Out of the question.
07:08Very well, I will buy the whole bottle.
07:10It's not for sale.
07:11Are you trying to get rid of me?
07:15Not deliberately, no.
07:19It is money. Maria! Yvette!
07:25Will nobody answer me?
07:29I say, would you mind making a little less noise?
07:31I'm trying to get some sleep in here.
07:35Men in my wardrobe.
07:38What are you saying?
07:39I have no idea.
07:40French is all Greek to me.
07:42I hope she's not calling for more onion soup.
07:45Cheers.
07:46We'll have to stuff more chewing gum in the keyhole.
07:51It is I, your daughter Edith.
07:54I brought you your onion soup.
07:56Oh, my God!
07:58Why is it always onion soup?
08:03Because we are helping British Airmen to escape disguised as onion sellers and we cannot waste the onions.
08:10Could you not disguise the Airmen as butchers? Then I could have a good statement.
08:17Don't be difficult, Mama.
08:19I am an invalid. Invalides have poached eggs. Why cannot I have poached eggs?
08:30Because the ends, they are not laying.
08:32In my day, we mix the corn with gin. Such is always making them lay.
08:40Also, it would do me good.
08:43When I have a new bottle, I will bring you some.
08:51What's the time, Hans?
08:56It's no good.
08:57My eyes are running so much from these stamped onions.
09:01I see.
09:02Neither can I.
09:03One whole day we've been away from the office.
09:06What will they say in Berlin if they find out we're not there?
09:10I think they will be very cross.
09:13That fool of a sentry. Did not recognize me when I tried to get in.
09:17But you had no papers.
09:18He hit me with his rifle about you.
09:20It's a wasteful way to treat an old peasant.
09:24There's Helga.
09:25She may have some news.
09:27Here, sit down.
09:30Colonel, I have bad news.
09:32I have been to the cleaners for your spare uniforms and they are not ready.
09:35You're a fool girl.
09:36You should have bought them as they were.
09:37Yes.
09:38You should have bought them as they were.
09:39Fool girl.
09:41They have been sent away.
09:42They have gone to Paris.
09:44You ordered deluxe service.
09:46I did not order deluxe service.
09:48Who ordered deluxe service?
09:50I did.
09:52You and your creases.
09:54You try to be smart down here.
09:56You should be smart up here.
09:58I sent my hat also.
10:00I have more news.
10:02Is it good or bad?
10:04But I am your superior officer.
10:06I asked the questions.
10:07In these clothes we are equal.
10:09On the contrary.
10:10My onions are bigger than your onions.
10:14And I have two rows.
10:16Lucky you.
10:17Tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock, General von Klinkerhofen is coming to inspect.
10:21Von Klinkerhofen.
10:22Not the Von Klinkerhofen.
10:24Hans, you fool.
10:25How many Von Klinkerhofen's do you think there are?
10:28The telegram in your office says you are to meet him at the station.
10:31This is disaster.
10:33Can you imagine the stink in Berlin?
10:36Von Klinkerhofen.
10:38Met by two onion sellers.
10:40Hitler will do his nut.
10:42What are we going to do?
10:43We could borrow a revolver.
10:44To shoot ourselves.
10:45I suppose that's the honourable thing to do.
10:46After all we are officers and soldiers.
10:47I just thought that they could shoot our little toes off.
10:48Then we could go to hospital.
10:49Where they wear pyjamas.
10:50No.
10:51Perhaps René has news.
10:52Ah, René?
10:53Yes, Herr Onion seller.
10:54One moment.
10:55Monsieur Leclerc.
10:56Take this gin to my mother.
10:58Jinn?
10:59Oh, Gin.
11:00Oh, gin.
11:01Oh, gin.
11:02Oh, gin.
11:03Oh, gin.
11:04Oh, gin.
11:05Oh, gin.
11:06Oh, gin.
11:07Oh, gin.
11:08Oh, gin.
11:09Oh, gin.
11:10Oh, gin.
11:11Oh, gin.
11:12Oh, gin.
11:13Oh, gin.
11:14Oh, gin.
11:15Oh, gin.
11:16Oh, gin.
11:17Yes, that's the honourable thing to do.
11:18After all we are officers and soldiers.
11:19I have forgotten how it smells. So long have I been in the nick.
11:29Renée, take this and mix it with the corn for the chickens. It will help them to lay.
11:37Yes, Colonel. Renée, sit down.
11:41Oh, thank you, Colonel.
11:43Now, listen, Renée. I will come straight to the point.
11:47If you do not get these uniforms by tonight, you will be shot.
11:51You don't beat about the bush, do you, Colonel?
11:54I do not.
11:55Why don't you try it sometime? It's better for the nerves, especially my nerves.
12:01Well, do we get them or not?
12:03Colonel, they are coming from London.
12:06London?
12:07Helga, the less you know, the better.
12:09Put some cheese in your ears.
12:11I'm afraid there was a slight delay, Colonel. The tailor had to go to a bar mitzvah.
12:16A Jewish tailor?
12:18Whatever that means.
12:22I will speak to someone who will make contact. They will try to get them delivered to us tonight.
12:29Your life depends on it.
12:31So do our little toes.
12:32Come on, little chickens. Come on. It's dinner time.
12:48It is time I am singing again. I need something to steady my nerves.
12:58You know, singing to a crowded room takes a special kind of courage.
13:03It's lucky you are so brave.
13:06What are you doing with that bottle?
13:08I am just going to whet my whistle.
13:10You fool! This could blow your whistle through the top of your head.
13:15So what are you saying?
13:16I am saying it is to blow up a train. I am saying it is nitroglycerine.
13:22I have given some to my mother and the chickens.
13:28Oh no, this is disaster. Those are the only chickens we are.
13:33What about my mother?
13:36That drink.
13:39It make your mama very frisky.
13:41What happened?
13:42She got out of bed, went to pick up her slippers and blew the door off the wardrobe.
13:51Quick, the chickens.
14:01Oh, what's the matter?
14:02Stop throwing this corn so hard.
14:04It's still gone.
14:05Where?
14:06Inside the chickens.
14:07What?
14:08Well, where are the chickens?
14:10Well, they always go to lazy eggs behind the edge.
14:21Well, that was only five. Where is the other?
14:23The cockle hole chased her into the hen house.
14:30Mmm.
14:31So bang.
14:40You are looking at a walking legend.
14:41How would you like to be performed?
14:53I should say, please be performed.
14:59I say, Cartes, the old girl's a bit of a goer, isn't she?
15:02That's how they don't give her anything else.
15:04Between the onion soup and that drink, she's more dangerous than the fleck of a Berlin.
15:12Mama!
15:13Are you all right?
15:15I'm in the middle of my performance.
15:19Shut up.
15:20Oh, it's present.
15:21Oh, please.
15:22All you would like to be.
15:23I'd like to be.
15:24Bye, bye to Spain with me.
15:27Daba, bye to Spain with me.
15:30Daba, bye to Spain with you.
15:31Oh, Daba, bye to Spain with you.
15:33Oh, Daba, bye to Spain with me.
15:34Oh, Daba, bye to Jane with me.
15:35Oh, Daba, bye to you.
15:36Yes, it's not true.
15:38Are you?
15:39Why do you want to be performed?
15:40What?
15:41Shut up, both of you.
15:42Shut up.
15:43Listen to her.
15:45For once, she's ecky.
15:47You know it is from her. Get my talent.
15:50It has travelled very badly.
15:52Now, listen, I have to lift the bed to get to the radio to talk to London.
15:56Shut up, you old bat!
16:03Oh, I think they want the wireless.
16:07Oh, God!
16:13Hello, hello, this is Nighthawk.
16:16Can you hear me? Over.
16:18Of course I can hear you.
16:21Not you! Shut up!
16:23Hello, Nighthawk.
16:25Hello, Nighthawk.
16:27This is London.
16:29Listen carefully.
16:30I shall say this only once.
16:34Here, take this to table three.
16:38Oh, here comes trouble.
16:40It's not a flick of the Gestapo.
16:42Gestapo.
16:44For God's sake, act normally.
16:46Oh, I'm acting normally.
16:49Always I'm like this with the Gestapo.
16:53Welcome, Herr Flick.
16:55May I find you a table?
16:56I know where I want to sit.
16:58Of course, Herr Flick.
17:00Why is it that when I'm in the room, everyone stops talking?
17:05It is in case you wish to say anything, Herr Flick.
17:08I do.
17:09Heil Hitler!
17:11Heil Hitler!
17:12Well, you can't follow that.
17:17Have you found out anything about the missing painting?
17:20No, Herr Flick.
17:21Not the smell of it.
17:22It is possible the peasants have penetrated your disguise.
17:26You must change back into your uniforms.
17:28At once, Herr Flick.
17:29Well, very near.
17:31You have heard of the arrival of General von Klinkerhofen?
17:34Yes, Herr Flick.
17:36You will meet him tomorrow at the station?
17:38Yes, Herr Flick.
17:39He will be inspecting our defences and all the main buildings.
17:42Does that include the hospital?
17:44Why do you ask?
17:46Well, in case we have an accident, you know.
17:49We wouldn't want to miss him, Herr Flick.
17:52He is a ruthless man.
17:54The slightest sign of inefficiency.
17:58And you will be posted...
17:59To the Russian front.
18:01If you are lucky.
18:02I will go and tidy the office and ensure everything is in order.
18:06No!
18:07You will report to my room in one hour.
18:10Yes, Herr Flick.
18:11May I ask why?
18:13There are perhaps certain things you have not revealed to me.
18:18How could I hide anything from those stern, penetrating eyes?
18:23We shall see.
18:25Hey, Hitler!
18:26Do not be late.
18:29What if I am early?
18:31Do not be early, Asa.
18:33Be punctual.
18:38Hey, Hitler!
18:39Hey, Hitler!
18:43Monsieur Leclerc, clean up that mess.
18:47We have good news, Colonel.
18:49The uniforms?
18:49They are on their way.
18:51And we are going to send back the painting to London to be copied.
18:54I thought they were coming by parachute.
18:56No, no.
18:57Tonight, a plane will land.
18:59Somewhere in France.
19:01What's the use of somewhere in France?
19:03We want it here.
19:05Well, this is somewhere in France.
19:07But if I told you too much, the resistance would shoot me.
19:11We will meet the plane with you.
19:12Oh, no, no, no.
19:13Dear Colonel, I don't think the resistance would like that.
19:16How would you like your cafe blown up and you and your wife put up against the wall in shots?
19:22You would not do that.
19:24No, but Herr Flick would.
19:27We might be with you.
19:28We will see what can be done.
19:30Excuse me, Colonel.
19:31You're not going to sing again?
19:33I have a message for Rene.
19:36A man has arrived to read the gas meter.
19:42Edith, we have no meter because we have no gas.
19:45Why do you not stop wasting my time, woman?
19:48Why do you not just say what you mean?
19:51The girl, Michelle, is here from the resistance.
19:53Ah, a clue at last.
19:59I always knew you were helping the resistance.
20:02We will arrest this girl.
20:04We will make a talk.
20:05And we will be heroes with medals.
20:08Without uniforms to pin them on.
20:11Colonel, that girl is the only person who knows where the plane will land.
20:16I see we're in it up to here.
20:20That makes it well over my head.
20:23It's all clear, Rene.
20:41What's the matter?
20:43Are you frightened?
20:44Well, of course I'm frightened.
20:46The countryside is full of hidden dangers.
20:49I've just trodden in one.
20:52Similar for the others.
20:56Do a pearl or something similar.
20:58It's the only someone I know.
21:00Where did you land a whistle like that?
21:03When she was working in Paris.
21:04She had to do something to attract attention.
21:11Oh, Rene, you did not tell us we would be helping two British officers to escape as well.
21:15We are not supposed to do this.
21:17Today we'll go back on the plane that brings your uniforms.
21:20Then we can all live happily ever after.
21:22Fairfax?
21:23What's going on?
21:24I have no idea.
21:25Anything's better than that damn wardrobe.
21:27Don't move.
21:31Oh, Michelle.
21:32Why are you wearing sunglasses?
21:34So these Germans don't recognize me again.
21:37Listen, cover carefully.
21:38We have a problem.
21:40Up the road is a bridge.
21:41On the bridge is a German sentry.
21:43What?
21:43There is only one thing to do.
21:46Go home?
21:47No.
21:48These German officers must give the sentry orders to let us post.
21:51But we are dressed as onions sellers.
21:54You must convince them.
21:55Otherwise, you do not get your uniforms.
22:00Hans, hold my onions.
22:02Hans, hold my onions.
22:32Come on, Commandant.
22:34Stand to the children.
22:35I'll speak to you.
22:36Why are you dressed as a smelly peasant?
22:39Oh, my goodness.
22:40Where are your papers?
22:47She has killed him.
22:49No.
22:50He's just unconscious.
22:51Oh, nay.
22:52We are German officers.
22:54We cannot be a party to knocking out our own troops.
22:57It's Colonel.
22:58He was the one who hit you with his rifle butt.
23:02So he did.
23:04Thunk me.
23:07That is the plan.
23:08It will land in the next field.
23:11This way.
23:11Here it is.
23:28I'll give you a signal.
23:29Have you given the signal?
23:40He is coming in now.
23:41Stand by.
23:42Come on.
24:08Don't waste time.
24:09Hello.
24:23Is this the right place?
24:24The Englishman.
24:26Thank God.
24:27Where's the uniforms?
24:29Oh, we'll ask him.
24:30I say, old chap, do you have the uniforms?
24:33Better than that.
24:34I bought the tailor.
24:36Good evening, everyone.
24:37My name is Clyde from Solomon and Clyde.
24:40I have the customer suits right here.
24:42Perhaps the Colonel would like to try his jacket first.
24:50I say, Castellers, this kite's only got two seats.
24:54I expect the tailor's staying behind.
24:56And we can sit on each other's lap on his seat.
24:59Perhaps I on top.
25:00Oh, dear.
25:04Sir has put on a bit of weight, hasn't he?
25:06Where do you wear your holster?
25:08On the right or on the left?
25:10These shoulders are very wide.
25:12Yes.
25:13The shoulders seem awfully wide.
25:14Don't worry.
25:15They're coming back.
25:19You should have kept your mouth shut.
25:21What are you doing?
25:23Don't worry.
25:23It's only a fitting.
25:25Now, what time can Sir Manager next week?
25:27Why don't we go back and you stay behind and finish the suits?
25:32Are you mad?
25:33It's Ascot Week.
25:34The workroom's chock-a-block.
25:37Right.
25:37Off we go then, chaps.
25:39Quick.
25:39Give him the painting.
25:43Don't forget.
25:44We want a copy of this.
25:45Right on.
25:51No touch.
25:52Well, it looks to me that we have to meet General von Klinkerhofen in our pyjamas.
26:11Because I was mine.
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