- 3 hours ago
Tv, Allo Allo S2E01 - Six Big Boobies
Category
đŸ“º
TVTranscript
00:00Welcome to my cafe.
00:24I am happy to tell you that life here is back to normal.
00:27The two English airmen who were hiding here have been taken away by the resistance and
00:32are being hidden in a nearby nunnery.
00:35The painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies by Van Klump, which I was hiding
00:41in my cellar, is now in the possession of Air Flick of the Gestapo.
00:45I have been shot dead.
00:47And I am now posing as my own twin brother.
00:52Of course, nobody knows this, except my wife, the servants, and my wife's mother.
01:00And the German commandant and his assistant and his secretary and most of the French resistance,
01:05but that is all.
01:06Now, the banging that you can hear is my demented widow, who is in the back room looking for
01:12my will, which leaves everything that I possess to her.
01:16I am not worried.
01:17She can bang all day.
01:19The will is safely hidden in a secret compartment behind the cuckoo clock, where she will never
01:24find it.
01:25Good morning, Arnie.
01:26Ah, good morning, Lieutenant.
01:29This is the man that shot me.
01:31He fancies me like mad.
01:34Perhaps it is the apron.
01:36Your cheeks are a very good, fresh color today, and you have an impish look in your eye.
01:48It has suddenly disappeared.
01:50What a good idea.
01:55Open this door.
01:58Edith, open the door.
01:59I have found it.
02:00I have found it.
02:01I have found it.
02:02I have found the will of my late husband.
02:05There is no need to make such a song and dance about it.
02:08Give it to me, Edith.
02:10After all, I am the executor.
02:12It is not addressed to you.
02:14No, but it would go without saying that Rennie would want his brother as an executor.
02:18It has gone without saying.
02:20Gather on, everyone, while I read to you the last will and testament of my dear departed husband.
02:28Who was shot by the Germans.
02:31Or does you know?
02:33He leave everything to me.
02:37I, René Atois, being of some mind.
02:41I would dispute that for a start.
02:44To hereby leave all of which I stand possessed to my dear and faithful wife,
02:50who has comforted me and filled me with joy during the happy days of my marriage.
02:57I wrote that on the honeymoon.
03:00What a beautiful phrase.
03:03Look, there is something written on the back.
03:06Ah, no way.
03:07P.S. to Yvette.
03:09I can hardly read it.
03:11It is as if his hand was shaking.
03:14To Yvette, who has served so devotedly under me.
03:20I leave the collapsible so far in the parlour.
03:26That so far is not collapsible.
03:29It is, unless you put a book under it.
03:32P.S. to Maria.
03:34I leave this small billiard table, which has given us both so many moments of pleasure.
03:41I never saw you playing in there.
03:43Oh, if René would make me shut the door and put a chair into the knob.
03:47What were you doing that you did not want to be interrupted?
03:49Why ask me?
03:50I am dead, remember?
03:52Anyway, he has done the right thing by me.
03:57Everything is now mine, to have and to hold till death do me part.
04:02He was a good man.
04:04There was something soft and sensitive about him.
04:08Although, like you, he could be a little distant at times.
04:11We are a cautious family.
04:13We will drink to his memory.
04:15Well, do not pour too much.
04:18That is my best cognac.
04:20His best cognac.
04:21And now, it is my best cognac.
04:27To his memory.
04:29To René.
04:30Oh, it is over.
04:35It is done.
04:42What are you up to now?
04:43I am going to buy myself a new act.
04:46Why do you want a new act?
04:49You must remember, I am a rich widow in the prime of my life.
04:54This evening, Mama will promenade me in the square.
04:57Some handsome man will gaze upon me in my new act.
05:00Who is that?
05:01He will ask.
05:02It is a rich widow at once.
05:04They will reply.
05:05Oh, how young and slender she looks.
05:08I must pay my respects to her, he will say.
05:12And maybe tomorrow morning, he will be at my door, bearing a beautiful bouquet of sweet-smelling roses.
05:20Provided his guide dog can find the house.
05:23Oliva.
05:24Is that your armoured car outside?
05:29Does it have a little dent in the wing?
05:30It does?
05:31Then, yes, it is mine.
05:32Then please move it.
05:34You are in my parking place.
05:35The colonel likes to park under the tree, otherwise his seat gets very hot.
05:40You're in my parking place.
05:42The Colonel likes to park under the tree.
05:44Otherwise, his seat gets very hot.
05:46My apologies, Colonel.
05:51Hans, why are you sitting down?
05:54Because my legs are rather tired.
05:57Hans, I am a Colonel. You are a Captain.
06:01You do not sit down before I sit down.
06:04You do not stand up before I stand up.
06:07Colonel does everything first.
06:11I'm sorry, Colonel.
06:13Well, then be more careful.
06:15You're getting very slack.
06:17Now, gentlemen, what can I get you to drink?
06:20The Colonel will be ordering.
06:26Two cognacs.
06:27Maria, two cognacs.
06:29On Captain Gehring's account.
06:31Colonel, we have one or two delicate matters to attend to.
06:35Ah, well, Maria and Yvette are at your disposal, Colonel.
06:39But could you book early?
06:41Because Friday is a very busy day.
06:43That is not what I want to talk about.
06:45But make a note of it. We'll come back to it later.
06:49Now, René, I am Commandant of the Star.
06:52I cannot continue to turn a blind eye to your hiding British Airmen in your café.
06:58But, Colonel, you are turning a blind eye because I was hiding your stolen painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies in my cellar.
07:05Not anymore.
07:07That painting is now in the hands of Herr Flick.
07:10Of the Gestapo.
07:12Together with two forgeries.
07:14So you'll no longer have a hold over me, René.
07:17If I want to shoot you, I only have to say the word.
07:21Fire.
07:22Do not worry, Colonel. The British Airmen are gone. For good.
07:27Excellent.
07:28Then, if you will tell me the names of the resistance leaders, I will see that you are protected.
07:34Protected? Against who?
07:36Me.
07:38Well, Colonel, I do not know their names.
07:41They are mostly girls. They wear Mackintoshes and little short white socks and berets like any other French girls.
07:49And they only reveal themselves at night.
07:52Like any other French girls?
07:55I wish I could get my hands on them.
07:57We both do.
08:01If you do not cooperate, René, I will have you shot.
08:04Oh, Colonel, you wouldn't.
08:06We would. We did it before.
08:08Colonel, I do not wish you to think badly of me, you understand.
08:12But I did take the precaution of writing a letter
08:16which tells how you helped the resistance to blow up the railway line.
08:20How you stole that painting in the first place.
08:22Now, the letter is signed by the old village
08:25and the moment I am arrested, it is to be placed into the hands of Herr Flick of the Gestapo.
08:30Herr Flick of the Gestapo? You wouldn't.
08:33She would.
08:34I think it is checkmate, Herr Colonel.
08:39René, you are smarter than I thought.
08:43Thank you, Colonel.
08:45Now, if I may suggest we just wipe the slate clean, eh?
08:48Now, you have no painting, I have no airmen.
08:51But on the other hand, I do have the girls.
08:54These are specs to point one.
08:57Shall we say nine o'clock?
08:59Agreed.
09:00Now, wait.
09:02With the wet celery and the flying helmet.
09:06And a great big steaming plate of spaghetti bolognese and three feet of elastic.
09:15Hans, just between the two of us, what exactly have you got in mind?
09:20Well, I thought I would have a quick snack while Maria repairs my long winter underwear.
09:25You sent for me, Herr Flick?
09:41You are late.
09:43Go into the inner chamber.
09:44Stop.
09:45Take out your handkerchief.
09:54Wipe your lips.
10:01Replace the handkerchief.
10:05Turn around.
10:15You may kiss me.
10:17Six out of ten.
10:33I knocked off four for the garlic.
10:37May I sit down?
10:38No.
10:39Remain standing.
10:42I have a problem.
10:44Dare I ask what it is?
10:45Yes.
10:51I have three fallen Madonnas with six big boobies.
10:57What is the problem?
10:59Only one of them is real.
11:01Only one big boobie?
11:04One painting.
11:06One is a forgery commissioned by myself.
11:09One arrived mysteriously at my headquarters.
11:12One is genuine.
11:15I hid them all rolled up in my high Gestapo boots.
11:18A peasant tidied the room and mixed them all up.
11:22Now I do not know which is which.
11:24Why do you not send for the man who forged them?
11:27He will be able to identify the real one.
11:29That is a very good idea.
11:32Unfortunately, he is not available.
11:35Why not?
11:36He fell out of a Gestapo car.
11:40Over a bridge on a railway line and was run over by the Berlin Express.
11:45It was an accident.
11:48Of course, Herr Flick.
11:50The real painting I wish to retain to sell after the war.
11:54To provide for us when we are married.
11:57Herr Flick.
11:59I think I should tell you that I have a friend in the army with whom I have been corresponding in an earnest and meaningful manner.
12:07Give me his name, rank and number and he will not be a problem.
12:11On second thoughts, he does not have your forceful, commanding, dominating and ruthless personality.
12:22Which draws me to you like a bee to a pot of jam.
12:27I will put the kettle on.
12:31You will find for me a man with knowledge of painting.
12:35Who will decide beyond all doubt which is the real Van Klomp.
12:38Yes, Herr Flick.
12:44Maria, you should not do that unless I am here to hold you.
12:47You could so easily fall.
12:50Maria!
12:52René, I must talk to you.
12:55I am listening with one ear.
12:57We may be observed.
13:00We must meet in private.
13:02Let us rendezvous in the broom cupboard under the stairs.
13:05You are making the curl come out of my hair.
13:09Oh, René!
13:10Yes, all right, I agree.
13:11Yes, in ten minutes.
13:13Go now!
13:14Your wife is coming downstairs!
13:20Well, what do you think?
13:21What do you think?
13:29Why are you wearing on your head a dead end?
13:36And why are you taking more money?
13:38I have to buy refreshments for Mama and Monsieur Leclerc.
13:41And who knows?
13:42Maybe my suitor.
13:44If you go on like this, you will soon be a poor widow.
13:47Now, now, I have placed the bus chair of your mother outside the cafe door.
13:54Why are you all dressed up like the dinner of a dog?
13:57I, Leclerc, am to be the pusher.
14:01This is going to be like a circus out there.
14:04We're going to be the laughing stock of the old village.
14:07Oh, my love, are you ready?
14:10Come along.
14:11Well, nobody come to my assistant.
14:15Oh, oh, oh.
14:18There.
14:20One more.
14:22The teeth have dropped out of my fox.
14:26If you want to look really smart, you could give it your spare set.
14:33Oh, Fanny, how the years have fallen away.
14:38How everything has fallen away.
14:42Oh, Fanny.
14:45I remember how dapper and jaunty you were.
14:52Ah, yes, I remember.
14:55What a pity you are so decrepit now.
15:01Ah, yes, but I can still twirl my cane.
15:05A lot of good that is going to do us.
15:14Mama, you have not mentioned my new hat.
15:19It looks like a dead end.
15:26Ready?
15:28Rich widow, get your rich widow.
15:31Rich widow.
15:32Rich widow.
15:33Is it really clear?
15:35I think we should be a little more subtle than that.
15:40Fairly rich widow.
15:43Rich widow we are.
15:47Maria.
15:49Renée.
15:50Shut the door.
15:52Renée, my love.
15:53Renée, why are you so formal and withdrawn?
16:03I am impaled upon the handle of the Hoover.
16:11Oh, that is better.
16:12Now that you are no longer married to Edith, will you make good your promise to me?
16:23Well, it is not going to be easy in a broom cupboard.
16:27Your promise to marry me.
16:30Oh, that promise.
16:32Well, it is a little bit difficult.
16:33You see, I have left all my money to my wife.
16:36I can get money for us.
16:38Men pay me for my favours.
16:40Oh, but Maria, you know I hate queuing.
16:44You must be patient for a little while longer.
16:48Renée.
16:50Huh?
16:52Promise me that no other girl will take my place.
16:54With such deep stares, how could they?
16:56Oh, Yvette.
17:04What are you doing?
17:06Somebody has removed the book from under the sofa in the pillow.
17:09What?
17:11Oh, Frank Harris.
17:13Yes, just about the right size.
17:15Renée.
17:17Now that you are free,
17:20when are we going to announce our engagement?
17:23Oh, dear sweet Yvette, we must not be too hasty.
17:25I have to find a way of getting my hands back on my money.
17:29You could poison your wife.
17:32With her cooking, she has become immune.
17:35No, we will have to find another way.
17:37Meanwhile, we have to lie low.
17:39Ah, on the sofa?
17:41Not as low as that.
17:43Oh, Renée.
17:45Promise me that nothing will ever come between us.
17:49I am doing my best.
17:52Oh, Renée.
17:53Can you feel my little heart bounding and bounding?
18:00I can hear it.
18:09Is the coast clear?
18:11We are 50 miles from the coast.
18:12Something very important has just come up.
18:18How long have you been out there?
18:24The two airmen have left the nunnery.
18:27Good.
18:28Now perhaps Yvette and I can continue to discuss the menu for tonight.
18:31They left because the Germans came to search for them.
18:35They are on the run.
18:37Well, that is your problem, not mine.
18:39I don't care if I never see their stupid faces ever again.
18:43Hello!
18:45It is the airmen.
18:48I would never have known.
18:51Well, look.
18:52Do not let them come in here.
18:53You speak the language.
18:54Tell them to go away.
18:56Go.
18:57Now, listen, chaps.
18:58Renée's been awfully decent putting you up here, but you have outstayed your welcome.
19:01We, we, we can't walk around as nuns all day.
19:05The cherries keep trying to chat us up.
19:08Didn't they suspect the moustache?
19:09You think mine's big?
19:10You should see the mother superiors.
19:12We're not going back to the nunnery.
19:15Fairfax mucked up his needlework and we had to spend hours scrubbing the steps.
19:19Look!
19:22Why is he showing you his knees?
19:25He was a scrubber at the nunnery.
19:29No wonder they threw him out.
19:31And not tell them to go away.
19:33Oh, listen to me, Renée.
19:34You are a vital link in the escape route for British Airmen.
19:38This is a safe house.
19:39Not for me it isn't.
19:41Let us come to the crunch.
19:43The crunch?
19:45The nitty gritty.
19:47Are you a collaborator or are you with the resistance?
19:50Is that thing loaded?
19:52I am desperate. I have one up the spout.
19:56That would make you desperate.
19:59Well?
20:00Look, I am on your side, Michel.
20:03At the same time I have a business to run.
20:05Now I cannot go around being rude to the Germans.
20:08Not in front of their faces anyway.
20:10I will put out my tongue at them from time to time when their backs are turned.
20:14Or put a little extra salt in their soup.
20:16But we must be reasonable.
20:17It is the Colonel and the Captain.
20:18The Colonel is backing under the tree.
20:19Oh, no.
20:20I think they are coming in here.
20:21Oh, my God, he must not see them.
20:22Get them out of there.
20:23Through the window.
20:24No, they can't go that way.
20:25There was a driver with a gun.
20:26Oh, quick.
20:27Through here.
20:28The Colonel and Captain are approaching.
20:29Well, keep them busy while I think of a good reason why I've got two nuns in my back room.
20:42The organ fund with my reputation.
20:44Go, go.
20:45Keep them busy.
20:46Greetings, Colonel Mary.
20:48Uh, is there any refreshment that you would like that is not on a high shelf?
20:52No, thank you, Maria.
20:53We have business with René.
20:54Is he in the back room?
20:55No.
20:56Good.
20:57Leave this to be private.
20:58We will wait in there while you find him.
21:00Oh, my God.
21:01Quick.
21:02Get them down.
21:03Take these, Yvette.
21:04Take these.
21:05And them out.
21:06Oh, my God.
21:07Oh, my God.
21:08Quick.
21:09Get them down.
21:10Take these, Yvette.
21:11Take these.
21:12Come on.
21:13Come on.
21:14Come on, here.
21:15Stand up.
21:18Did you have a way to my home?
21:20Stand aside.
21:22Am I interrupting something?
21:37something Rene is having a special service for his late departed brother
21:45the church don't know that they were going to have a big one in the
21:49cathedral but it's worked out cheaper lips are muttering in silent prayer it
21:56is very moving in that case take your hat off
22:07I'd no idea they played leapfrog in heaven
22:22is there something I can do for you Colonel Helga my secretary has been instructed to take Lieutenant
22:31Gruber to Gestapo headquarters does he know anything
22:34oh I do not think so Colonel no Rene has always been very careful not to drop anything in front
22:41of him would you excuse us Colonel we are just going into the finale
22:46I think we should go I find the presence of nuns very uplifting
23:01I must definitely go
23:08I have done precisely as you instructed Heflick I searched the records and discovered that
23:13Lieutenant Gruber was for a short while in civilian life an assistant in an art gallery in Cologne
23:20was that before or after he was a window dresser
23:23after
23:25let us hope he can solve my problem I will interview him
23:29bring him in here
23:34do you have any further instructions for the soldier
23:54none go away
24:01I must apologize for the manner in which you are brought to my headquarters
24:07that is quite all right actually I rather enjoyed it
24:13that soldier who brought me he has very broad shoulders
24:19I have made inquiries into your background and interests you have shall we say artistic leanings
24:27if you say so
24:29I'm going to put you to the test
24:32have you any immediate reactions to these
24:43nothing worse reporting
24:45try harder
24:47are they of Helga?
24:52they are most definitely not Helga
24:55perhaps you would like to take a closer look
24:59do I have to?
25:02maybe this will help you
25:03I would have thought it hardly necessary
25:05one is genuine
25:07two are forgeries
25:08which is which?
25:09ah
25:10this is an early fun clump
25:16how do you know?
25:18when he was taller he signed his paintings further up
25:20ah
25:22you have to?
25:24yes
25:26this is the genuine painting
25:28are you sure?
25:30this is definitely the brushwork of the master
25:33when he got to this little bit here
25:35he always finished off with a little circle and a dot
25:39excellent
25:43now you understand it is most important that you tell no one what you have seen
25:49you have my word Heflick
25:51this is not enough
25:52sit in that chair
25:54what are you going to do?
26:10the Gestapo has ways of ensuring silence
26:18Helga?
26:19he is ready
26:33you know what to do?
26:35yes
26:36Heflick
26:47watch the body
26:49good
26:51that is enough Helga
26:52that is enough Helga
26:56you know of course what would happen if I sent this picture to your commanding officer
27:04I don't think he would ever speak to me again
27:12have the colonel and the captain gone?
27:14of course they have
27:15they had left over an hour ago
27:17then why did you not tell me?
27:19I have been hiding behind the curtains holding my brass
27:22where are the airmen?
27:24don't worry
27:25we have hidden them
27:26we have put them in a secret place
27:28someone is coming
27:29I will recede down the back passage
27:31go away
27:36we are not open
27:38I know that
27:39I own the damned place
27:40now come inside and stop making an exhibition of yourselves
27:46what a good afternoon oh my dear beautiful little Ediths
27:53I am so proud of her
27:56they were round her like flies
27:59I expect her hat had gone off
28:01now quick we are late opening
28:03Yvette, Maria take this silly old bat upstairs and put her to bed
28:07you, LeClaire, take off your hat, put on your apron, wash those dirty glasses behind the bar
28:14I had no idea it was so late
28:16oh what a day I have had
28:18so many compliments
28:19so many raised hats
28:21probably their air was standing on end
28:24see, see
28:25many of them gave me their cards
28:27serviettes and catering supplies
28:30the hat shop
28:32diner rod
28:36tonight
28:37I will sing as I have never sang before
28:39what, in tune?
28:42Mr. LeClaire
28:43no, don't
28:44play for me a few chords
28:45while I practice my scales
28:46Edith, we have no time for scales
28:48already we are full of customers
28:49good evening gentlemen
28:50Mr. LeClaire
28:51a chord in C
28:53the piano is up the creek
29:06it did this last week
29:08Rene, the piano has gone wrong again
29:12fix it while I serve the customers drink
29:16it is the mice
29:17they seek refuge in there when you sing
29:20sometimes they get trapped
29:22ah
29:32ah
29:33ah, Colonel
29:34Captain
29:35how nice that you should come into my cafe at this precise moment
29:39Edith
29:40er, give the Colonel one, will you?
29:42no
29:43I am not captain's my scales
29:44there is no time for scales, Edith
29:46very well, I will go straight into myself
29:48no, Edith
29:49you must not sing
29:50but Rene
29:51you must not
29:52we have new customers
29:53yes but
29:54do you have any requests, gentlemen?
29:55no
29:56sing us, er, Lily Marlene
29:58oh, Mr. LeClaire
30:00no, no, no, no
30:01Lily Marlene
30:02go come in
30:03Shawn
30:04thank you
30:05uh
30:06oh
30:07see
30:09Rochester
30:10one
30:11two
30:12three
30:13four
30:14pink
30:15pink
30:16pink
30:17pink
30:20Cheeseburger
30:22Cheeseburger
30:24That you would be
30:28You'd always be
30:30My Lilian
30:32My Lilian
30:50My Lilian
31:03Floor
31:05Floor
31:11My Lilian
31:14habĂan
Be the first to comment