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QI XL S23E07 Who What Why?
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00:00Thank you very much.
00:30Hello and welcome to QI where tonight we're asking who, what and most importantly why
00:37with a welter of W questions, what do you say we meet our guests?
00:42What a treat, it's Deliso Chaponda.
00:46What a joy, it's Cariad Lloyd.
00:52What a pleasure, it's Susan Kalman.
00:54And what the blazes, it's Alan Davies.
01:00And why don't we hear their questionable buzzers, Cariad goes.
01:09Deliso goes.
01:17We should just have a disco.
01:22Susan goes.
01:24Why?
01:26Why?
01:28Why?
01:30And Alan goes.
01:33Because, because, because, because, because I say so.
01:38Right, what questions do toddlers ask the most?
01:44Are we nearly there yet?
01:46Oh, that you've got it.
01:52My son asked me, what is fire?
01:56Oh.
01:57And I said, oh, you mean like faints?
01:59He said, no, what's in it?
02:00Which I thought was too much for six o'clock in the morning.
02:03Yeah.
02:04This is the issue.
02:05What is the issue?
02:06Don't like them.
02:07Questions or children?
02:08Children.
02:09Okay, fine.
02:10Because they are unrelentingly honest.
02:11Yes.
02:12Yes.
02:13They are taller than me.
02:14And I have previously been swept up at a museum in a coat party.
02:21When they said, back to the bus everyone.
02:22And I went, I'm not, okay, fine.
02:23And I got on a bus.
02:24Yeah.
02:25So, I don't like children, but for some reason, they really like me.
02:26They see you as one of their own.
02:27That's why.
02:28Yeah.
02:29Alan, stop printing that.
02:30What?
02:31Are you my real dad?
02:32Isn't it just, they say what?
02:33What?
02:34What?
02:35What?
02:36What?
02:37What?
02:38What?
02:39What?
02:40What?
02:41What?
02:42What?
02:43What?
02:44What?
02:45What?
02:46What?
02:47What?
02:48What?
02:49What?
02:50What?
02:51What?
02:52What?
02:53What?
02:54What?
02:55What?
02:56Is it just, they say why, and then they say why, and then they keep saying why until you collapse
02:58and scream, why?
02:59Yes.
03:00So, we think that is the question.
03:01But in fact, the question that they ask most is what?
03:03What?
03:04What?
03:05Yeah.
03:06What?
03:07So, that's how they learn about the world.
03:09Most of the time, it's what.
03:10The number of why style questions, which is when you want an explanation rather than a fact,
03:16It does increase as you get older.
03:17So it's just about 3% if you're under 2,
03:20and 43% when you approach 4 years old.
03:22But even at their peak, they are in the minority.
03:26And parents think that why questions are more common,
03:28because, frankly, it's more difficult to answer.
03:30They did a study at the Society for Research
03:32in Child Development in 2017.
03:34The average child between 2 and 5 asks 107 questions.
03:39Oh, that's why.
03:42107 questions per hour.
03:44You know, instead of contraception,
03:48they just need to put that back on little boxes.
03:54It's one in every 33 seconds.
03:56Wouldn't it be possible to get them
03:58to submit the questions in advance?
04:00I think so.
04:02But this study that they did, there was a child called Adam.
04:04He asked an average of 198 questions per hour.
04:08And his parents are divorced and doing their best.
04:11It's almost 30% more questions than you get
04:14on a standard episode of University Challenge.
04:16They're harder.
04:18But the numbers plummet the minute they enter the education system.
04:20So there was a psychologist called Susan Engle,
04:23and she looked at kids in elementary school in America,
04:25and they found they asked two to five questions in a two-hour period.
04:29And as they get older, it seems to get worse.
04:32One child put their hand up and asked in class, you know,
04:35if there are any places in the world where no-one made art,
04:38which I think is a really good question.
04:39And the teacher replied,
04:40no questions now, please.
04:42It's a time for learning.
04:45But we thought we'd try a few interesting questions for you.
04:48You can try and answer if you like,
04:49or you can tell me what you think about the questions.
04:51So my first question is, have you ever been decapitated?
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56Yes.
04:57I mean, like, not in the Anne Boleyn sense,
04:59but, like, you know, metaphor...
05:01I've lost my head, frequently.
05:03Do you get cross?
05:04I get cross.
05:05I think shorter people get cross quicker.
05:08Mm, I get very cross very quick.
05:10Because people ignore you, and they don't see you.
05:13I don't think I've ever been decapitated.
05:14Yeah.
05:16Do I do that?
05:19Dear diary, today, I don't know more of me. Go.
05:22I used to be called the terrier at university
05:24because we were in a club, and I was trying to get past,
05:27and I was going, excuse me, excuse me.
05:29And this woman was like...
05:30Like, where is it coming from?
05:31Because she didn't look down.
05:33And then I went, whoop!
05:35And she went, whoop!
05:37Like, oh, there's a thing down there.
05:39They called me the terrier after that.
05:42I think barking makes the tall people,
05:44it's like they'll look for a dog, but not a small woman.
05:47It's true, I was once in a pub
05:49and someone used my head as a table.
05:51Oh!
05:52They put a pint on top of my neck.
05:54LAUGHTER
05:55But then I think you have small men like Gandhi,
05:59who is the opposite.
06:00Yeah, I think maybe it's small women.
06:02I think the point at which we've had it up to here comes from now.
06:04LAUGHTER
06:06But is there another meaning of decapitated,
06:08the part of having your head cut off?
06:10So the picture here is of Saint Denis,
06:12a famous saint who was decapitated
06:14and, despite that, carried on with his sermon on retribution.
06:17That would be a very persuasive sermon.
06:19Yeah. I know, right?
06:21It's known as being a cephalophore, so a head carrier.
06:24But they did this question on a US quiz show
06:26called The Power of Ten in 2007,
06:28and so the contestants have to predict
06:31what answer the public are going to give to a particular question.
06:34And to this question, have you ever been decapitated,
06:374% said yes.
06:38LAUGHTER
06:40It's part of something called the Lizardman's Constant.
06:43OK.
06:44So there's a psychologist called Scott Alexander Siskin,
06:46and he came up with this idea,
06:47and it's the approximate percentage of responses to a survey
06:50when a person clearly isn't taking it seriously.
06:53Oh. Oh, right.
06:54So the name came from a 2013 survey that found that 4% of Americans
06:58believe that lizard men are running the earth.
07:01Right. They might also not know the meaning of decapitated
07:04and think it means drunk or something.
07:06Oh, incapacitated.
07:08Yeah. Incapacitated.
07:09Yeah.
07:10Here's another question.
07:11What are you supposed to do with a sheep's head?
07:13Leave it on the sheep.
07:14LAUGHTER
07:16I think you use it to terrify your enemies.
07:19OK. Right? So, like, famously, I think,
07:21in The Godfather, they put up horses.
07:23Horses-headed? Yeah.
07:24No, horses aren't really widely available.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:28You're right.
07:29It's way too pricey, so I think the thing is,
07:32much cheaper, you want to terrify your enemies on a budget,
07:35sheep's head.
07:36LAUGHTER
07:37I mean, it's not the right answer,
07:39but I'm going to give you a point.
07:40LAUGHTER
07:42APPLAUSE
07:43So this is a question asked in the annual Miss Navajo
07:49beauty contest, which has been going since the 1950s.
07:52OK. And one of the rounds is to butcher a sheep.
07:55Oh. Wow.
07:56The final section requires contestants to answer a question
07:59that is specific to Navajo life.
08:00And the answer to the question, this was posed in 2012,
08:03is to burn off all the wool in a fire,
08:06slow-cook the head underground,
08:08and then eat the cheek meat and part of the eyeball.
08:11Now we know.
08:12Casey, do you want to make that at home?
08:13Let us know how it goes and just see how that is.
08:16I do think this is an interesting question.
08:17Are you a narcissist?
08:18Oh, of course, we're comedians.
08:20Like...
08:21So you say yes, what would you say?
08:22And of all the narcissists here, I am the best narcissist.
08:25LAUGHTER
08:33There is a certain something about parading yourself
08:37and hoping that people like you and laugh at your jokes
08:40and think that you're fabulous.
08:42So, I think, probably, yes.
08:43Shall we go and say yes over here?
08:45Erm, let's talk about me a little bit more.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:48Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not.
08:51It's difficult.
08:52What do you think about me, somebody?
08:53LAUGHTER
08:54So, typically, when they were testing a person for narcissism,
08:57it was a 40-question questionnaire, right?
09:00Mm-hm.
09:01And it was things like, does the thought of ruling the world
09:03frighten you, or do you think it would be a better place
09:04if you were in charge?
09:05Yes, yes, yes, next question.
09:07LAUGHTER
09:08So, but then what happened was, in 2014,
09:10there was a team from Ohio State University
09:12and they realised you could get just the same accuracy of results
09:15by asking a single question, and the question is,
09:18are you a narcissist?
09:19LAUGHTER
09:20And actually, narcissists say yes.
09:23Oh!
09:23They believe that they are superior and they don't mind saying so.
09:26So, they saved 39 questions that they didn't have to ask.
09:30LAUGHTER
09:31Two points for anybody who can name the two people
09:33in this famous painting?
09:34Narcissus.
09:35Narcissus is...
09:36The guy looking at the...
09:38You look in the mirror, yeah,
09:39because he falls into the water.
09:40Who's the person that...
09:41That's Narcissus' very free friend.
09:46I'm going to call her...
09:48Alison.
09:49Alison.
09:50LAUGHTER
09:51She's like, you're not going to upstage me by falling in that pond,
09:53I'm going to get one tit out.
09:54LAUGHTER
09:56Look at me, Narcissus.
09:57Look at me!
09:58LAUGHTER
10:00It's good, though, she's got just the one out,
10:01probably the good one.
10:03Yeah.
10:04What do you mean, the good one?
10:05There's always...
10:06LAUGHTER
10:08APPLAUSE
10:10There's one...
10:12Sandy's not a narcissist apart from her boobs,
10:14where she's like, they're both ways.
10:16There's always one that's a bit...
10:16My breasts are perfect.
10:18LAUGHTER
10:19There's one that's a bit perkier, that you go, all right,
10:21and then there's the one you go, buck up.
10:23Yeah.
10:24It's Echo.
10:25Oh, Echo, of course.
10:26Echo falls in love with narcissists.
10:28She was a chatterbox and she got cursed to always repeat the end
10:31of somebody else's sentence rather than making her own sentences
10:34and that's where we get the...
10:35That's where we get her.
10:36The concept of the Echo.
10:37The concept of the...
10:38LAUGHTER
10:40It's so lovely to see you.
10:42It's lovely to see you.
10:43You're going to do that the whole show?
10:45The whole show.
10:46LAUGHTER
10:48OK, another question.
10:49Red or green?
10:50Definitely green.
10:51I found this out the hard way.
10:53OK.
10:54So in university, I went to a kissing party.
10:58Right?
10:59And when you went into the party,
11:01you chose to put around your neck either red, green or orange.
11:06Right.
11:07And if you chose green, you're open to kissing everybody.
11:10OK.
11:11If you chose red, you don't want to kiss anyone.
11:12And then orange, you're picky.
11:14And I, at heart, was green.
11:17But I thought you want to seem picky.
11:20Oh, OK.
11:21So I chose orange and all the green people were having way more fun.
11:25LAUGHTER
11:27Traffic light parties, you used to do them in the old clubs in Glasgow and...
11:33I find myself thinking, oh, wouldn't you catch viruses?
11:35LAUGHTER
11:37That's a sign of age.
11:39But the issue is, as I discovered, having also gone to one of those
11:43traffic light parties, having worn everything green, I was as green as you could possibly
11:47get out of the gate.
11:48Just being green doesn't mean anyone wants to kiss you.
11:50LAUGHTER
11:51I'm here!
11:53LAUGHTER
11:54OK, let me tell you, red or green is an official state question in New Mexico.
12:00Oh, so the red party or the green party?
12:02No, it's nothing to do with politics.
12:03Oh, chilli's.
12:04It refers to your favourite type of chilli sauce.
12:07OK, here's another question.
12:08What was the worst thing about the great whisky fire at Dublin?
12:13Terrible waste of whisk.
12:15Mm?
12:16Yes.
12:17Well...
12:18APPLAUSE
12:19Irish distilleries did not pay any tax on whisky until it was about to be sold,
12:27and so they often allowed it to mature in these duty-free warehouses.
12:31And the warehouse, this particular one, had 5,000 barrels in it,
12:34which today is like £8 million worth of whisky.
12:37Wow.
12:38It went up in smoke on the 18th of June, 1875.
12:41Nobody really knows why.
12:42By the early hours, most of the barrels had burst.
12:45There was a sort of burning river of whisky in the streets.
12:47Oh, God.
12:48The flow was two foot wide.
12:49It was six inches deep.
12:51I mean, it would look...
12:52I imagine it looked like the flames on a Christmas pudding.
12:54Yeah, yeah.
12:55And 13 people died, but none of them were harmed by the fire.
12:58They died?
12:59Yes.
13:00So they all died of...
13:01From trying to drink hot toddies?
13:02Well, either acute alcohol poisoning after drinking alcohol straight from the street
13:06or from the filth mixed in with it.
13:08Yeah.
13:09If you drink anything out of a gutter, it's not good, is it?
13:12LAUGHTER
13:14People came from all over Dublin for this free hot tea.
13:18Right, right.
13:19They used their hats, their boots to scoop it up.
13:22People were, as you say, supping straight from the street.
13:24There's one place, according to one report, a house burnt down during a wake.
13:30The family saved the body from the fire but went right back to the whisky.
13:34LAUGHTER
13:35Now, why could they not just put water on it?
13:37Isn't that...
13:38With alcohol, you can't...
13:39I mean...
13:40You've got to get the wet tea towel.
13:41It is.
13:42It's like oil on top of water.
13:43It was impossible.
13:44So what they did was they built a dam out of ash and horse manure
13:47to stop them.
13:48People carried on drinking.
13:49LAUGHTER
13:50A little horse manure cocktail, right?
13:52I know.
13:53Everybody was safely evacuated, including pigs and horses at Round Wild.
13:57One man was arrested for stealing a barrel of whisky
14:00that had escaped and rolled down the streets.
14:02I like this.
14:03He was fined £1 and the barrel was sent to a nearby hospital
14:06to be given to the patients.
14:08Some of whom, presumably, were already suffering from alcohol poisoning.
14:12LAUGHTER
14:13What do you think?
14:14Whisky originated Scotland or Ireland?
14:15What are we going to go for?
14:16Wales.
14:17You can get Welsh whisky.
14:19Yeah.
14:20We don't know.
14:21I'd say Scotland.
14:22How can you tell the difference?
14:23It says it on the bottle.
14:24Spelling.
14:25On the side.
14:26It's the spelling of whisky.
14:27Which is?
14:28Scottish whisky.
14:29Oh, God!
14:30No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
14:34Has...
14:35No E.
14:36Not got an E.
14:37Is correct.
14:38Oh, yes!
14:39Has not got a what?
14:40It's not got an E.
14:41It's E-Y.
14:42Yeah.
14:43Scotch whisky is just Y.
14:44And so when the Irish moved to America, they took the E with them.
14:46So American whisky has an E too.
14:48But Japan, there is no E because the father of Japanese whisky, Masataka Takatsuro, he learnt to distill in Scotland.
14:56Now, who washed Hitler's wig?
14:59Wow.
15:00I'm very much hoping that you're going to reveal that the wig is his moustache.
15:04Oh!
15:05And he had a wig moustache kind of like a merkin or something.
15:08Coincidentally, this is genuine.
15:11Yeah.
15:12The only other time I painted myself green.
15:17I did a sketch when I first started out in comedy and I was completely naked apart from a merkin.
15:22Can we just explain to anybody who doesn't know?
15:24It's a pubic wig.
15:25Can I just say, the Victoria and Albert Museum has a merkin department and you can ask to see them.
15:34I would be very happy to show you mine.
15:35I retained it.
15:36And the sketch was, I painted myself green and I jumped out of a wardrobe shouting,
15:40I'm a wee goblin!
15:41So...
15:42Oh!
15:43I remember that sketch!
15:44Yes!
15:45I was not looking at the merkin.
15:50Her boobs are just slightly...
15:52There's one better than the other.
15:53So anyway, I retained the merkin as a beautiful souvenir of something I shouldn't have done.
16:09So is it that he had doubles?
16:14So we are talking...
16:15A double.
16:16A doppelganger of some kind?
16:17Where might you find such a thing in London, for example?
16:19Oh, at Madame Tussauds?
16:20Madame Tussauds, exactly.
16:21Madame Tussauds, so he was hit by a bomb in 1940.
16:24352 waxwork heads were destroyed but Hitler's was just covered in rubble and his and other
16:31surviving heads, including Mussolini's, had a post-bombardment shampoo.
16:36And were put back on display.
16:38But during the war, did they need a wax version of him?
16:41And did they need to number it so people would be like, one, two, five, who's there?
16:45Oh, yeah.
16:46Well, it's been there since 1933 and since it was installed, people have tried to destroy
16:52the waxworks doused in red paint, decorated with a sign that said mass murderer.
16:57By 1936 it had been repaired so many times that they decided to put the whole thing in a glass
17:02case and they only took Hitler off display in 2016 when neo-Nazis started taking selfies.
17:07Oh, he was there till 2016?
17:092016, yeah.
17:10But it's a slightly strange collection of people here.
17:12I think that's Pat Jennings at the very back.
17:15LAUGHTER
17:17Very good goalkeeper.
17:18People have spotted him who know Pat Jennings.
17:20It is Pat Jennings, isn't it?
17:21It is Pat Jennings.
17:22I just realised that those two people are actual humans.
17:25Yeah, they're humans.
17:27LAUGHTER
17:29The waxworks at Madame Two of Swords of Bill Clinton, they had to superglue his zipper on his trousers.
17:35LAUGHTER
17:36Wonderful.
17:37So, talking about wax, why do shepherds have such soft hands?
17:42Yes.
17:45Is it lanolin?
17:47Is the correct.
17:48Oh!
17:49Oh!
17:50APPLAUSE
17:51What is lanolin?
17:54So, it's like an oil that's in the sheep's coat and it's what they put in, like, hand cream and lip balm.
18:00And it's really important to know that because if you buy a vegan, a present, say your best friend is Sarah Pascoe,
18:06and you're like, this has got lanolin and it's really good, you then realise, no.
18:10Yes.
18:11They don't like it with sheep producting.
18:12So, you get to keep it.
18:13So, it's quite good.
18:14LAUGHTER
18:15Yeah, so, lanolin is literally Latin for wool oil.
18:19Yeah.
18:20And sheep are absolutely covered in wax and it stops their wool getting waterlogged.
18:24It is used for all sorts of products.
18:26It's used to soothe...
18:27I don't know why I'm looking at you.
18:28Chap nipples.
18:29I don't know why I'm looking at you.
18:30LAUGHTER
18:31It's used to lubricate wind instruments like trombones, lip balms.
18:34But you're right about the whole vegan thing, it's complicated because a lot of supermarket fruit is covered in edible wax.
18:40Yes.
18:41So, it protects it from getting scratched and makes it all look nice and gives it a longer shelf life and all that.
18:45Yeah.
18:46So, apples and so on.
18:47It's not a lot.
18:48So, if you had the wax coating on, say, 6,500 apples, it's enough to make one tea light.
18:52But the Vegetarian Society has announced that the shellac that they use for this is not vegetarian due to the number of bugs killed when the shellac is collected.
19:03So, it has never been vegan, may not be vegetarian, and technically fruit in supermarkets may not be vegan in itself because of this.
19:12Yeah.
19:13But there's no law that says a supermarket has to label loose fruit as containing shellac.
19:17So, anyway, you can tell if it's unnaturally shiny or it's got a waxy feel or a thin layer.
19:22You can tell if you scrape it.
19:23Very good for you, apples.
19:25What?
19:26Keep the doctor away, you know.
19:27Especially if you lop it out.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:31While we are on wax, you've each got a candle.
19:34Can you guess what those candles are meant to smell like?
19:37Ooh.
19:38So, let's start with you, Alan.
19:40What do you think that smells like?
19:43Oh!
19:44Oh!
19:45Christ!
19:46And a bite!
19:47That's horrendous!
19:48What it is, it's garlicky and acrid, and I don't know why anybody would want this.
19:51It's supposed to smell of mustard gas.
19:54Oh!
19:55Did you just poison Alan for a question?
19:59It's for people who want to evoke First World War battlefields.
20:02Why would...
20:03I mean, that really fits a lovely sort of dinner party.
20:06I know!
20:07Come in, sit down.
20:08A bit of mustard gas.
20:10Wow!
20:11Cariad, what is your one?
20:12Is that vinegar?
20:13Or chips?
20:14It's cheese and onion.
20:16Oh, is it?
20:17Oh, crisps, yeah.
20:18It's got no actual cheese.
20:19I mean, it's fine for vegan snippers.
20:20LAUGHTER
20:21Deliso?
20:22Mine's actually quite pleasant.
20:23I can't place it, but I know this scent.
20:26Is it, like, licorice or something?
20:28Well, it's petrol.
20:29Oh!
20:30Give us it here.
20:31I like it.
20:32LAUGHTER
20:33Do you not remember when you're younger at the petrol station
20:37rolling down the window when your mum was filling up the tank
20:39and just goes...
20:40So here's the thing, the smell of petrol is why one might like it.
20:48It temporarily suppresses the nervous system,
20:51so it gives you a sort of euphoric feeling,
20:53but it's incredibly bad for you because the chemicals
20:56disrupt messaging in the brain as well as the ability
20:59of the blood to carry oxygen.
21:01But that candle promises the joys of that forbidden fragrance
21:05without brain damage.
21:06Oh!
21:07LAUGHTER
21:08I mean, if you did it a lot when you were younger,
21:10like, you'd be fine.
21:12LAUGHTER
21:14Just sniff your candle, darling, what have you got?
21:17What do you think that is?
21:19What?
21:21You don't like it?
21:22That is just... Is it vomit?
21:23No, it's not!
21:24LAUGHTER
21:25What is it?
21:26Human breast milk.
21:27LAUGHTER
21:28LAUGHTER
21:29APPLAUSE
21:36I feel we're on a theme with you.
21:37No.
21:38Did you not like it at all?
21:39LAUGHTER
21:43Which breast did it come from?
21:44I don't know!
21:45LAUGHTER
21:47Is it from Sally's perfect breast?
21:48I'm sorry, Sally's...
21:49I took to do of all the things in my life,
21:53for all the questions I've ever had.
21:54I don't want to smell anything after a master gaffer.
21:55What does breast milk smell like?
21:57That doesn't smell her breast milk.
21:58I don't think it does either.
21:59No.
22:00It's, erm, I mean...
22:01It smells quite sweet.
22:02Yeah.
22:03And breast milk does smell sweet.
22:04Well, it actually doesn't smell that bad.
22:05It doesn't have vomit.
22:06It's made by an artist called Tasha Marks.
22:07It's not that bad.
22:08Can I just say there's no actual breast milk in it?
22:10Yeah.
22:11But she created the smell...
22:12Mixed messages here, Sandy.
22:13LAUGHTER
22:14She wanted it to smell warm and evocative.
22:15It doesn't smell of vomit.
22:16That's a very unusual reaction, Susan.
22:17It smells of vomit.
22:18It smells of vomit.
22:19That's a very unusual reaction, Susan.
22:20It smells of vomit.
22:21That's a vomit candle.
22:22LAUGHTER
22:23What happened to you when you were being breast milked?
22:25I know.
22:26It's making me feel very uncomfortable.
22:28Delisa, give her some more petrol, don't you?
22:31LAUGHTER
22:32APPLAUSE
22:38I've got 12 different scented candles in my house right now.
22:41What scent is it?
22:42Are they all different?
22:43Different scents.
22:44Yeah, does it all mix together and make petrol?
22:45No.
22:46LAUGHTER
22:47The only time we used scented candles was when we got a new dog
22:51and we hadn't quite worked out the right diet for her.
22:55LAUGHTER
22:57Turned out she needed grain-free dog food.
23:02Cos if she didn't have grain-free, oh, my God.
23:04LAUGHTER
23:05Right.
23:06What begins with W and is the fifth most common reason
23:09for car insurance claims in Germany?
23:12Windows?
23:13Wheels?
23:14No, nothing to do with the car.
23:15It's something that happens.
23:16Oh, women.
23:17Women?
23:18No.
23:19LAUGHTER
23:23Wildebeest?
23:24No.
23:25Oh, you are closer than anybody.
23:26Wolves!
23:27Wolves!
23:28Getting closer.
23:29Wolves!
23:30It is an animal.
23:31Werewolves!
23:32Weasels!
23:33Yes!
23:34Weasels!
23:35Weasels!
23:36Weasels!
23:37Is the correct answer.
23:38Wow!
23:39Weasels!
23:40You can buy weasel insurance for your car in Germany.
23:43Actually, they're called Beech Martins, which is a member of the weasel family.
23:47They like to crawl into small, warm places.
23:50Oh, don't we all?
23:51Oh, yeah.
23:52Oh, yeah.
23:53And so around the car engine, and then they chew the wires.
23:56In 2019, 198,000 weasel damage claims in Germany alone.
24:03What?
24:04And so there are now companies that offer weasel insurance.
24:07In fact, Audi and Mercedes-Benz thought, oh, my God, this is actually a serious problem.
24:11They thought maybe it was the German cars.
24:13So they hired this biologist called Karl Kugelschafter, and he concluded it was nothing to do with the manufacture of the car,
24:19just that the weasel population boom had coincided with a production boom of German cars.
24:26So large predators like foxes were dying out due to habitat loss.
24:30There was a decline in hunting because of welfare laws.
24:33Weasel fur coats had gone out of fashion.
24:35There was a succession of milder winters, so you get much higher survival rates.
24:39And they've adapted to urban life.
24:41So they have now invented something called a Wiedensaubrinzip, which is the world's first anti-weasel device,
24:48which is fitted to Mercedes engines and basically gives them a nasty electric shock.
24:53If you want to be thrifty, you can use a spray made of bear urine.
24:57But then your car has to smell of bear urine.
25:00Yes.
25:01Well, you know.
25:03Just leave the lid off the petrol cap and you'll be absolutely...
25:07Get the breast milk candle out.
25:08Yes.
25:09That'd be fine.
25:10But they are astonishing beach martins.
25:12In 2016, a single one of them shut down the Large Hadron Collider.
25:16It got in there?
25:17It was...
25:18It hopped in there.
25:19And then they switched it on.
25:20Well...
25:21Yes!
25:22Two of them hurtling towards all of us.
25:27It was electrocuted, I'm afraid, by an 18,000-volt transformer.
25:31That'll do it.
25:32Yeah.
25:33Yeah.
25:34So there's a Rotterdam Museum curator called Kies Mullica and he collects animals that have
25:40come to an unfortunate but newsworthy death.
25:44It's niche.
25:45It's niche.
25:46It's niche.
25:47Are you doing anything with that weasel?
25:48Can I have it?
25:49He literally went to get the weasel from the Hadron Collider.
25:54He's got a catfish that got stuck in a Dutch man's throat in 2016.
25:59He's got a sparrow accidentally knocked down 23,000 dominoes in a world record toppling attempt in the Netherlands and was subsequently shot.
26:12Oh, wow.
26:13Why would you shoot a wee sparrow for just a...
26:15Because it knocked down all those dominoes!
26:18People take dominoes very seriously.
26:21When it did it, it just had its foot on the first one for ages.
26:25No!
26:26The weasels in this country, in the UK, are mostly least weasels.
26:32They're only about eight inches long.
26:34Beautiful.
26:35I don't think they're so cute.
26:36They pierce holes in birds' eggs and lick the protein oozing out.
26:40Oh, that's less cute, isn't it?
26:42They suck the unborn chicks and juice.
26:45Yes, yeah.
26:46Oh.
26:47Incredibly high metabolism.
26:48Their heart beats 500 times a minute.
26:49Oh, wow.
26:50They need to eat a third of their body mass every single day and they need to poo every hour and a quarter.
26:55Same as me.
26:56Absolutely.
26:57I wouldn't get one as a pet.
27:00I think that's a lot.
27:01That's a lot of pooing.
27:02Maybe they should eat less than they wouldn't shit them.
27:04Yeah.
27:05According to Ojibwe and Chippewa mythology, so Native American, in Wisconsin, apparently,
27:11according to them, there is a deer-headed monster called the Wendiga, OK?
27:16It's a malevolent creature.
27:18It's got insatiable hunger for human flesh, right?
27:21It can be killed if you want to know how to do it by tempting a weasel to climb up its bottom.
27:26Oh!
27:27Climb up its bottom or in its bottom?
27:29No, climb up its bottom.
27:30Oh, well...
27:31In or up?
27:32OK, you're being very specific.
27:33Well, listen, you have to be online.
27:34Yeah.
27:35Is in or up?
27:38In and up.
27:39In and up.
27:40OK, just checking.
27:41Yeah.
27:42So, if you're in Wisconsin, just bear that in mind.
27:44The car industry has suffered an epidemic of German weasels.
27:49Come on, that's quite clever.
27:50That is quite clever.
27:52APPLAUSE
27:53OK, here's another question.
27:56Which Wikipedia articles are 100% wrong?
28:00I bet it's their articles on Encyclopedia Britannica.
28:05LAUGHTER
28:06There are many problems with Wikipedia, but the way in which it has been sourced is that anybody with the time and the technology can input and you don't necessarily have to know what you are talking about.
28:17So, in 2020, it was discovered that nearly half of the articles on Scots Wikipedia were written by a North Carolina teenager who didn't speak a word of Scots.
28:30Wow.
28:31Yeah.
28:32He went by the name Amaryllis Gardner and between the age of 12 and 19 he created over 20,000 articles.
28:38He made hundreds of thousands of edits.
28:41He essentially took English language articles and rewrote them with a Scottish accent.
28:46LAUGHTER
28:49And he then became an administrator and used his power to undo other people's attempts to correct his work.
28:55Wow.
28:56Wikipedia articles are now being used to train AI models.
28:59So you might take something which an AI model has told you and not know that it's come from Wikipedia.
29:04And some of those AI models may have trained on the work by the North Carolina teenager who said that it was Scots.
29:10So...so...so...so...so a teenager from North Carolina was writing articles on Scots or Scottish?
29:18He was just using English language articles and rewriting them with what he thought was a Scottish accent.
29:24LAUGHTER
29:25So it wasn't like Scots Gaelic or anything?
29:27No, no, not even that.
29:28What's a very, very...him and the guy that runs the museum with dead animals going together.
29:34I know.
29:35It's a niche thing.
29:36Yeah.
29:37Can anybody read the Scots language?
29:39Anybody?
29:40Yeah.
29:41Let's give Susan a go for her.
29:42Yeah, shall we?
29:43Yeah, yeah.
29:44Well, it depends on whether you're the Scots language or something.
29:46Well, it's recognised as one of the three indigenous languages in Scotland.
29:49So Gaelic, English and Scots.
29:52Yes, Scots, yep.
29:53So I'm going to put a Scots sentence up from the Scottish Government website on the screen and see if anybody is a skilled linguist without really knowing it.
30:01In the 2022 census, that number of people reported that they could speak Scots, with that number of people reporting that they could speak right, write or understand Scots.
30:10There you go.
30:11That's fantastic.
30:12I love that.
30:13APPLAUSE
30:14I love that.
30:15I love that.
30:16I love that.
30:17I love that.
30:18I love that.
30:19I love that.
30:20I love that.
30:21I love that.
30:22I love that.
30:23I love that.
30:24I love that.
30:25Does that count as a language?
30:26I think it done, Dalito.
30:28I think it done.
30:29Burns wrote in Scots.
30:32So Scots is a language used in poetry and music, and it's still used colloquially by a lot of people in Scotland.
30:39But what I mean is, without ever hearing of this language, I can understand that.
30:45Well, perhaps you're a greater linguist than you are.
30:47OK.
30:48There is a lot of Wikipedia vandalism.
30:51Willy on Wheels is one of my favourites.
30:54He created thousands of throwaway accounts so that he could just deface Wikipedia articles,
30:59and his most prolific work was simply adding On Wheels to the end of any...
31:04LAUGHTER
31:05..to the end of any article title.
31:07Wow.
31:08As well as redirecting the news page to a picture of a Willy.
31:11LAUGHTER
31:13You know what, genius comes in all forms.
31:15That's right.
31:16Respect it when we see it.
31:17OK.
31:18My father's a politician in Malawi, so there's an ongoing, like, war of rewriting his Wikipedia page.
31:25So every few days, like, things come up from the opposition, someone's changed it.
31:30And he's got an intern who just constantly...
31:33Keeps fixing it.
31:34Keeps fixing it.
31:35Anyway, Wikipedia is the largest collection of knowledge in humanity's history.
31:39It is 85% by and about white middle-class men.
31:42And that is only going to be perpetuated as AI scrapes this data.
31:46But there are some quite funny ones.
31:47The president of FIFA was given an award by South Africa after the Football World Cup was held there.
31:52But the official website took his name from the most recent Wikipedia page, which had been vandalised,
31:59and announced that they had given it to Joseph Sepp Bellend Blatter.
32:02LAUGHTER
32:03Yes!
32:04Yes!
32:05Yes!
32:06Yes!
32:07Yes!
32:08Yes!
32:09When Manchester City wanted to...
32:12They wanted to name one of their stands after one of their former great players,
32:17a guy called Colin Bell.
32:19They wanted to do a vote amongst the fans.
32:21What shall we call it?
32:22And all these Manchester United fans started voting for the Bell End.
32:26LAUGHTER
32:28Wonderful!
32:29Actually, some of it's very clever.
32:30There's an Australian electronic band called Peking Duck,
32:32and they were playing in Melbourne in 2015.
32:34And a fan went backstage and said,
32:36I'm the lead singer's stepbrother.
32:38And for proof, he showed them the Wikipedia page,
32:41which he had changed two minutes earlier.
32:43Wow!
32:44Oh, wow!
32:45What's the biggest waste of time you can think of?
32:48Oh, I...
32:49Yes.
32:50I think they call it doomscrolling.
32:51Doomscrolling, yeah.
32:53Yeah, when you're just on your phone, looking at nonsense, scrolling...
32:58I hear about this, but I've never done this in my whole life.
33:01You've never doomscrolled?
33:02You've never just found...
33:03You've gone, oh, I've been here for six hours?
33:04No!
33:05No!
33:06What are you looking at?
33:07Like, literally, it's these sites like TikTok or Instagram
33:11where their algorithm has mapped all the things
33:15you're mildly interested in.
33:16So if you like cats and you like comedians,
33:20it will find a cat comedian.
33:21Like, literally, it knows you like things you don't even know
33:26you like, and so you just, like, will addictively move
33:29from one useless clip to the next.
33:32OK, so I like Danish things and chainsaws.
33:34Is that a thing?
33:35Whoa!
33:36Sandy, now you've said that, the algorithm has helped you.
33:38The solid Danish women chainsawing giant trees down.
33:43I feel like it's one of the most useless addictions.
33:46Like, at least cocaine, they've got good stories.
33:50LAUGHTER
33:52I've got...
33:54There's nothing rock and roll about, like, I waste too much time
33:58looking at the internet.
33:59Other people's stories just going...
34:00Yes, exactly!
34:02The only one I like...
34:03Yeah?
34:04People falling down escalators.
34:06Yeah.
34:07I would watch that.
34:09I mean, you guys could just watch old reruns of You've Been Framed.
34:12Yes.
34:13I'm not very proud of this, but I actually now have to block myself.
34:18Yeah, same.
34:19When I need to work.
34:20I'm not on Facebook or TikTok or anything.
34:22I took everything off.
34:23I've only got two apps left on my phone.
34:25What are the two apps?
34:26The only thing I...
34:27Left it right.
34:28The only thing...
34:29LAUGHTER
34:34One's better than the other.
34:35One's better than the other.
34:36I think an app called I Feel a Right Tip is a very...
34:40Meanwhile, what's that women doing in the day? Is that sounding...
34:42Well, this is the thing that you would not want to be able
34:44to tidy up in the desert.
34:45What an incredible waste of time.
34:46There was a guy called William Shanks,
34:48and he spent 20 years calculating pie to 707 places.
34:53Oh, OK.
34:54I can do around 9.
34:563.1415927.
34:59Yeah, I could do 1.15926.
35:01LAUGHTER
35:03I'm reading from that!
35:05LAUGHTER
35:08The thing is, he spent 20 years doing this to 707 places.
35:12He made an error which meant that all the digits after 527 were wrong,
35:17and it was not discovered until 62 years after his death.
35:21He died in 1882, having wasted a great deal of his life.
35:25Is it really a waste?
35:26Is it really a waste?
35:27Is it really a waste?
35:28When he died, he thought he'd done it right.
35:29So he died a happy man.
35:30That's the...
35:31That's the main thing.
35:32That's the main thing.
35:33Yeah, but he could have done something else.
35:35LAUGHTER
35:36But, like, nothing is pointless which brings you joy.
35:40OK, so take this story and tell me whether you would have gone this far.
35:422022, there was a man in Uttar Pradesh called Tung Nath Chaturvedi, OK?
35:48And he had been trying to get 20 rupees back from a train ticket since 1999.
35:55OK?
35:56And he got it...
35:57I admire that.
35:58It took 23 years.
35:59Wow.
36:00So what happened was he asked for a refund on the spot and he was refused, right?
36:03He went through 100 hearings and in the end he got his money back and his family were furious.
36:10Said it was an incredible waste of time and money.
36:12He said it's not the money that matters.
36:14This was always about a fight for justice and a fight against corruption.
36:18So it was worth it.
36:19Yes!
36:20Yes!
36:21APPLAUSE
36:22This man...
36:23Absolutely legend.
36:24Yeah, go for it.
36:25Anyway, he got his money back.
36:26My favourite of the things that you think, wow, that's a waste of time, but good on you.
36:311934, Paramount Pictures made an amazing film, which I have seen, and they called it It Ain't No Sin, right?
36:37So as a publicity stunt, what they did was they got a load of parrots in a room
36:42and they continuously played them the name of the movie, right?
36:45Wow.
36:46Continuously played them It Ain't No Sin and the idea was the birds would learn to say it
36:49and then the studio would send one to every single reviewer in the land
36:53and the birds would keep saying the name of the movie.
36:55Unfortunately, at the last moment, the movie which starred Mae West had to change its name
37:00because it was regarded as too risque.
37:04So they changed the name to Belle of the 90s.
37:06And so they had a load of parrots who could say...
37:09It ain't no sin.
37:10It ain't no sin.
37:11It ain't no sin.
37:12But it was completely pointless and they couldn't send them to anybody.
37:13Oh.
37:14Wow.
37:15I know.
37:16Don't you love that?
37:17And there's a guy in France called Ricard Pleau.
37:19He spent 4,200 hours over eight years building a 23-foot-tall model of the Eiffel Tower.
37:27There it is.
37:28Out of 706,900 matchsticks.
37:32He finished it on the 100th anniversary of the death of Eiffel,
37:362023, December 27th.
37:38He applied to the Guinness World Records for the world's tallest matchstick tower.
37:42They disqualified him because he'd taken the red tops off the matchsticks.
37:46Oh.
37:47No.
37:48No.
37:49That's unacceptable, Guinness.
37:50Well, the next day they relented and they gave it to him.
37:52There must have been that one night where you think,
37:54that's it.
37:55My whole life I've spent eight years building that.
37:57Wow.
37:58Now, it's time for the second most pointless quiz on television.
38:01General ignorance.
38:02Fingers on buzzers, please.
38:04My first question, do you have common sense?
38:07Delisa.
38:08Naturally, of course I do.
38:10Oh.
38:11OK.
38:12I...
38:13No, no, no.
38:14This is the first time I am going to call to question that ringing.
38:18OK.
38:19So what do you think is common sense, Tony?
38:20Common sense is like, uh, acquired, um, logic.
38:25No, acquired like, um, more than logic.
38:28It's just like homespun knowledge.
38:30Right.
38:31So you can't really define it.
38:32Is that what you're saying?
38:33No.
38:34I see your point.
38:35Well, I think part of the problem is that we all disagree.
38:38Oh, I see.
38:39About what common sense is.
38:40So there was a team at the University of Pennsylvania in 2024.
38:43They took a group of over 2,000 people and they asked them to look at more than 4,000 statements.
38:47And then the people had to rate them whether or not they thought they were common sense.
38:50And the idea was that maybe if a large enough cohort of people could agree on something,
38:55that statement could be called common sense.
38:57Yeah, yeah.
38:58It's incredibly personal.
38:59So the only things that people could actually agree on were statements of fact.
39:02So a triangle's got three sides.
39:05But statements, things like numbers don't lie.
39:07We should always trust the math.
39:08All human beings are created equal.
39:10Things like that seemed more divisive.
39:11Those are the things that people would argue about.
39:14And it's interesting when they try and decide to program AI systems using human common sense.
39:19But we're never going to agree as to exactly what that is.
39:21I mean, a lot of it's passed down.
39:22That's the problem.
39:23So I still always have money in my purse in case I need to use a phone box.
39:28I mean, good luck with that.
39:32I was at Paddington Station not that long ago and there was a young, young boy who hadn't got his phone.
39:39And I taught him how to use a pay phone.
39:41Wow.
39:42And it was one of the nicest moments of my life.
39:44Are you sure it wasn't a defibrillator?
39:47And I felt great because it felt like all my training is a brownie.
39:54Finally, 40 years later, come to fruition.
39:58I bet that uniform still fits.
40:02I still have it and I still wear it.
40:04Love that.
40:05Common sense is less common than common sense suggests.
40:10What would a French person call this?
40:13A chaise l'oeil.
40:15Sorry.
40:18That was scary.
40:19Several things were left at once.
40:20What were you going to say?
40:21A lady.
40:27So not a chaise lounge.
40:29They use that for a different kind of chair.
40:31A deck chair is a chaise lounge.
40:33Is it?
40:34It is a chaise lounge.
40:35Yes, absolutely.
40:36The thing that we have here is a meridienne.
40:37Something in the world.
40:38Meridienne?
40:39Meridienne for Latin for midday.
40:40She looks really pissed off about it.
40:42She wanted a deck chair.
40:43Yeah.
40:44I'm so sorry.
40:45What chaise lounge is a deck chair?
40:46It's a deck chair, yeah.
40:47So what have I got in my house?
40:48Because I was sold a chaise lounge.
40:49Why do we call that a chaise lounge?
40:50I mean, that is a long chair.
40:51Long chair.
40:52Because the English are just much more straightforward about it.
40:53Oh, you want to get one of them long chairs that you can lie on.
40:54How long do you want it?
40:55Who initiated using a chaise lounge as a...
40:56I wondered for that question.
40:57What's going to be that?
40:58It's going to be Marie Antoinette.
40:59OK, shall I ask the question now?
41:00Yeah, go on, yeah.
41:01Who initiated the chaise lounge as a psychoanalyst's couch?
41:02Marie Antoinette.
41:03Marie Antoinette.
41:04I heard it on cue I.
41:05It was Marie Antoinette.
41:06Marie Antoinette.
41:07Who initiated using a chaise lounge as a...
41:08I wondered for that question.
41:09What's going to be that?
41:10It's going to be Marie Antoinette.
41:13LAUGHTER
41:14OK, shall I ask the question now?
41:18Yeah, go on, yeah.
41:19Who initiated the chaise lounge as a psychoanalyst's couch?
41:22LAUGHTER
41:28Marie Antoinette.
41:29I heard it on cue I.
41:31It was Marie Antoinette.
41:32Yeah, yeah.
41:33Is it not Freud but a descendant of Freud?
41:34No, it is Freud.
41:35It is Freud.
41:36He thought the combination of lying down and not being able
41:38to see the analyst was going to allow you to open up more.
41:41The truth is that he didn't really like eye contact.
41:43Oh.
41:44He said, I cannot put up with being stared at for eight hours a day.
41:47LAUGHTER
41:48And so he didn't really want to look at them either,
41:49so it just seemed like a better thing.
41:50Yeah.
41:51Louis XV, he had a thing that I'd like.
41:53It's a chaise volante.
41:55Ooh.
41:56Flying chairs, kind of primitive lift,
41:58and it was built into the royal palace at Versailles in 1743,
42:01and the idea was that his mistresses could bypass the stairs.
42:03Oh.
42:04And even the servants.
42:05So it would spirit a woman three floors up using counterweights,
42:07which I just love.
42:08Wow.
42:09Fantastic.
42:10Like a sexy stun instead.
42:11And is that correct?
42:12Yeah.
42:13But is that because, like, your wife's coming?
42:15Yeah, seriously, it was just like a way of going,
42:17way!
42:18And I'm like, so the Duchess of Bourbon had another one
42:20installed in her mansion in Versailles,
42:22but got stuck in it for three hours, and in the end,
42:24they had to knock all the walls down to get the lift off.
42:27Louis XV, like the thrill of the chaise.
42:30I got that one.
42:31I got that one.
42:32I got that one.
42:33I got that one.
42:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
42:35That one was really clear.
42:36A worrying noise from the audience.
42:38So all that remains is to hand out the medals.
42:42Let's see who gets what.
42:45In last place, with minus 44, it's Alan.
42:48Yeah.
42:50Next, with minus six, Deliso.
42:54In second place, but who's counting with minus five?
42:56Carriott!
43:00And in first place, with the utmost wherewithal,
43:03with three whole points.
43:05Come on!
43:06Susan!
43:07Thank you to Susan Deliso, Carriott, and, of course, Alan.
43:17And I leave you with this question from American comedian Rita Rudner.
43:21How come when you mix water and flour together,
43:24you get glue and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake?
43:27Where does the glue go?
43:29I don't know.
43:30Where does the good work go?
43:31It's secret!
43:32Oh, God.
43:33I don't know.
43:34I can't say that, if you usecope already,
43:36but you don't know it.
43:38No problem, it's quite good.
43:39Danke感 sandal.
43:41The good continue, perspective!
43:42So I hear this song very good.
43:43Oh, for Creek개념!
43:45Hotline Academy makers like thatanyak area,
43:47if you pull your bandages in this orya,
43:48it can finish Danke!
43:52What you have changed?
43:54I have never changed that I had to catch.
43:57Well, over here,
43:58I just have to catch you in a ninety South outside room.
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