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QI XL S23E07 - Who What Why?
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00:30Hello and welcome to QI where tonight we're asking who, what and most importantly why
00:37with a welter of W questions, what do you say we meet our guests?
00:42What a treat, it's Deliso Chaponda.
00:46What a joy, it's Cariad Lloyd.
00:52What a pleasure, it's Susan Kalman.
00:54And what the blazes, it's Alan Davies.
01:00And why don't we hear their questionable buzzers, Cariad goes.
01:09Deliso goes.
01:17We should just have a disco.
01:22Susan goes.
01:24Why?
01:26Why?
01:28Why?
01:30And Alan goes.
01:33Because, because, because, because, because I say so.
01:40Right, what questions do toddlers ask the most?
01:44Are we nearly there yet?
01:46Oh, that you've got to ask.
01:48My son asked me, what is fire?
01:56Oh.
01:57And I said, oh, you mean like faints?
01:59He said, no, what's in it?
02:00Which I thought was too much for six o'clock in the morning.
02:03Yeah.
02:04This is the issue.
02:05What is the issue?
02:06Don't like them.
02:07Questions or children?
02:08Children.
02:09OK, fine.
02:10OK.
02:11Because they are unrelentingly honest.
02:14Yes.
02:15Yes.
02:16They are taller than me.
02:18And I have previously been swept up at a museum in a coat party.
02:25When they said, back to the bus everyone.
02:26And I went, I'm not, OK, fine.
02:27And I got on a bus.
02:28Yeah.
02:29So, I don't like children, but for some reason, they really like me.
02:30They see you as one of their own.
02:31That's why.
02:32Yeah.
02:33Alan, stop printing that.
02:34What?
02:35Are you my real dad?
02:36Isn't it just they say, why, and then you answer, then they say, why, and then they keep saying, why, until you collapse and scream, why?
02:56Yes.
02:57So, we think that is the question, but in fact, the question that they ask most is, what?
03:01What?
03:02Yeah.
03:03What?
03:04So, that's how they learn about the world.
03:08Most of the time, it's what.
03:10The number of why style questions, which is when you want an explanation rather than a fact, it does increase as you get older.
03:17So, it's just about 3% if you're under 2 and 43% when you approach 4 years old.
03:22But even at their peak, they are in the minority.
03:25And parents think that why questions are more common because, frankly, it's more difficult to answer.
03:30They did a study at the Society for Research in Child Development in 2017.
03:34The average child between 2 and 5 asks 107 questions.
03:39Oh, that's fine.
03:41107 questions per hour.
03:44Yes.
03:45You know, instead of contraception, they just need to put that back on little boxes.
03:54It's one in every 33 seconds.
03:56Would it be possible to get them to submit the questions in advance?
04:00I think so.
04:01But this study that they did, there was a child called Adam.
04:04He asked an average of 198 questions per hour.
04:08And his parents are divorced and doing their best.
04:11It's almost 30% more questions than you get on a standard episode of University Challenge.
04:16They're harder.
04:18But the numbers plummet the minute they enter the education system.
04:20So, there was a psychologist called Susan Engle and she looked at kids in elementary school in America
04:25and they found they asked two to five questions in a two-hour period.
04:29Yes.
04:30And as they get older, it seems to get worse.
04:32One child put their hand up and asked in class, you know,
04:35if there were any places in the world where no-one made art,
04:38which I think is a really good question.
04:39Yeah.
04:40And the teacher replied, no questions now, please.
04:42It's a time for learning.
04:43LAUGHTER
04:45But we thought we'd try a few interesting questions for you.
04:48You can try and answer if you like or you can tell me what you think about the questions.
04:51So, my first question is, have you ever been decapitated?
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56Yes.
04:57I mean, like, not in the Anne Boleyn sense, but like, you know, metaphor...
05:01I've lost my head, frequently.
05:03Do you get cross?
05:04I get cross.
05:05I think shorter people get cross quicker.
05:08Mmm, I get very cross very quick.
05:10Because people ignore you and they don't see you.
05:13I don't think I've ever been decapitated.
05:15Yeah.
05:16Until I did that.
05:18LAUGHTER
05:19Dear diary, today I don't know you or me. Go!
05:22I used to be called the terrier at university because we were in a club
05:26and I was trying to get past and I was going, excuse me, excuse me.
05:29And this woman was like...
05:30Like, where's it coming from?
05:32Because she didn't look down.
05:33And then I went, whoop!
05:35And she went, whoop!
05:37Like, oh, there's a thing down there.
05:39They called me the terrier after that.
05:41LAUGHTER
05:42I think barking makes the tall people, it's like, they'll look for a dog,
05:45but not a small woman.
05:47LAUGHTER
05:48It's true, I was once in a pub and someone used my head as a table.
05:51Oh!
05:52They put a pint on top of my neck.
05:54LAUGHTER
05:55But then I think you have small men like Gandhi, who is the opposite.
06:00Yeah, I think maybe it's small women.
06:02I think the point at which we've had it up to here comes out soon.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:06But is there another meaning of decapitated,
06:08apart from having your head cut off?
06:10So the picture here is of Saint Denis, a famous saint who was decapitated
06:14and despite that carried on with his sermon on retribution.
06:17That would be a very persuasive sermon.
06:19Yeah.
06:20I know, right?
06:21It's known as being a cephalophore, so a head carrier.
06:24But they did this question on a US quiz show called The Power of Ten in 2007
06:28and so the contestants have to predict what answer the public
06:32are going to give to a particular question.
06:33Oh, OK.
06:34And to this question, have you ever been decapitated,
06:374% said yes.
06:39LAUGHTER
06:40It's part of something called the Lizerman's Constant.
06:43OK.
06:44So there's a psychologist called Scott Alexander Siskin
06:46and he came up with this idea and it's the approximate percentage
06:49of responses to a survey when a person clearly isn't taking it seriously.
06:53Oh.
06:54Oh, right.
06:55So the name came from a 2013 survey that found that 4%
06:58of Americans believe that lizard men are running the earth.
07:01Right.
07:02They might also not know the meaning of decapitated
07:04and think it means drunk or something.
07:06Oh, incapacitated.
07:08Incapacitated.
07:09Yeah.
07:10Here's another question.
07:11What are you supposed to do with a sheep's head?
07:13Leave it on the sheep.
07:15LAUGHTER
07:16I think you use it to terrify your enemies.
07:19OK.
07:20Right.
07:21So, like, famously, I think, in The Godfather,
07:22they put up horses.
07:23Horses hated.
07:24Yeah.
07:25Horses aren't really widely available.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28You're right.
07:29Way too pricey.
07:30So I think the thing is, much cheaper,
07:33you want to terrify your enemies on a budget,
07:36sheep sheep.
07:37I mean, it's not the right answer,
07:38but I'm going to give you a point.
07:40LAUGHTER
07:41APPLAUSE
07:43So this is a question asked in the annual Miss Navajo beauty contest,
07:50which has been going since the 1950s.
07:52OK.
07:53And one of the rounds is to butcher a sheep.
07:55Wow.
07:56And the final section requires contestants to answer a question
07:58that is specific to Navajo life.
08:00And the answer to the question, this was posed in 2012,
08:03is to burn off all the wool in a fire,
08:06slow cook the head underground,
08:08and then eat the cheek meat and part of the eyeball.
08:11Now we know.
08:12Casey, do you want to make that at home?
08:13Let us know how it goes.
08:14I'm just seeing how that is.
08:15I do think this is an interesting question.
08:17Are you a narcissist?
08:18Oh, of course.
08:19We're comedians.
08:20Like...
08:21So you say yes, what would you say?
08:22And of all the narcissists here,
08:24I am the best narcissist.
08:25LAUGHTER
08:26APPLAUSE
08:29There is a certain something about parading yourself
08:36and hoping that people like you and laugh at your jokes
08:39and think that you're fabulous.
08:41So I think probably yes.
08:43Shall we say yes over here?
08:45Let's talk about me a little bit more.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:48Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not.
08:51It's difficult.
08:52What do you think about me?
08:53LAUGHTER
08:54So typically, when they were testing a person for narcissism,
08:57it was a 40-question questionnaire, right?
09:00And it was things like,
09:01does the thought of ruling the world frighten you
09:03or do you think it would be a better place
09:04if you were in charge?
09:05Yes, yes, yes.
09:06Next question.
09:07LAUGHTER
09:08So, but then what happened was in 2014,
09:10there was a team from Ohio State University
09:12and they realised you could get just the same accuracy of results
09:15by asking a single question and the question is,
09:17are you a narcissist?
09:19LAUGHTER
09:20And actually, narcissists say yes.
09:23Oh!
09:24They believe that they are superior and they don't mind saying so,
09:26so they saved 39 questions that they didn't have to ask.
09:30LAUGHTER
09:31Two points for anybody who can name the two people
09:33in this famous painting?
09:34Narcissus.
09:35Narcissus is...
09:36Narcissus is...
09:37The guy looking at the...
09:38You look in the mirror, yeah,
09:39because he falls into the water.
09:40Who's the person that...
09:41That's Narcississus' very free friend.
09:46I'm going to call her...
09:48Alison.
09:49She's like,
09:51you're not going to upstage me by falling in that pond,
09:53I'm going to get one tit out.
09:54Everyone is going to...
09:55Look at me, Narcissus.
09:56Look at me!
09:58It's good though, she's got just the one,
10:01probably the good one.
10:02Yeah.
10:03What do you mean the good one?
10:05There's always...
10:06LAUGHTER
10:08APPLAUSE
10:10There's one...
10:12Sandy's not a narcissist apart from her boobs,
10:14where she's like, they're both great.
10:16There's always one that's a bit...
10:17My breasts are perfect.
10:18LAUGHTER
10:19There's one that's a bit perkier,
10:20that you go,
10:21all right,
10:22and then there's the one you go,
10:23buck up.
10:24Yeah.
10:25It's Echo.
10:26Oh, Echo, of course!
10:27Who falls in love with Narcississus.
10:28Yeah.
10:29She was a chatterbox,
10:30and she got cursed to always repeat the end of somebody else's sentence
10:33rather than making her own sentences,
10:34and that's where we get the...
10:35That's where we get her.
10:36The concept of the Echo.
10:37The concept of the...
10:38LAUGHTER
10:39LAUGHTER
10:40It's so lovely to see you.
10:42It's lovely to see you.
10:43LAUGHTER
10:44I'm going to do that the whole show.
10:45The whole show.
10:46LAUGHTER
10:48OK, another question.
10:49Yep.
10:50Red or green?
10:51Definitely green.
10:52I found this out the hard way.
10:53OK.
10:54So, in university, I went to a kissing party.
10:58Right?
10:59And when you went into the party,
11:01you chose to put around your neck
11:03either red, green, or orange.
11:06Right.
11:07And if you chose green, you're open to kissing everybody.
11:10OK.
11:11If you chose red, you don't want to kiss anyone,
11:12and then orange, you're picky.
11:14And I, at heart, was green,
11:17but I thought you want to seem picky.
11:20Oh, OK.
11:21So, I chose orange, and all the green people
11:24were having way more fun.
11:25LAUGHTER
11:27Traffic light parties.
11:28Yeah.
11:29Oh, you did?
11:30Yeah, I used to do them in the old clubs in Glasgow, and...
11:33I find myself thinking,
11:34oh, wouldn't you catch viruses?
11:36LAUGHTER
11:38That's a sign of age.
11:39But the issue is, as I discovered,
11:41having also gone to one of those traffic light parties,
11:44having worn entirely everything green,
11:46I was as green as you could possibly get.
11:47Just being green doesn't mean anyone wants to kiss you.
11:50LAUGHTER
11:51I'm here!
11:53LAUGHTER
11:54OK, let me tell you,
11:55red or green is an official state question in New Mexico.
12:00Oh, so the red party or the green party?
12:02No, it's nothing to do with politics.
12:03Oh, chilli's.
12:04It refers to your favourite type of chilli sauce.
12:06Ooh.
12:07OK, here's another question.
12:08What was the worst thing about the great whisky fire at Dublin?
12:13Terrible waste of whisk.
12:15Mm?
12:16Yes.
12:17Well...
12:18APPLAUSE
12:19Irish distilleries did not pay any tax on whisky
12:21until it was about to be sold.
12:23And so they often allowed it to mature in these duty-free warehouses.
12:27And the warehouse, this particular one, had 5,000 barrels in it,
12:30which today is like £8 million worth of whisky.
12:32Wow.
12:33It went up in smoke on the 18th of June, 1875.
12:34Nobody really knows why.
12:35By the early hours, most of the barrels had burst.
12:36There was a sort of burning river of whisky in the streets.
12:37Oh, God.
12:38The flow was two foot wide.
12:39It was six inches deep.
12:40I mean, it would look...
12:41I imagine it looked like the flames on a Christmas pudding.
12:42Yeah, yeah.
12:43It was extraordinary.
12:44And 13 people died, but none of them were harmed by the fire.
12:46They died?
12:47Yes, so they all died of...
12:48From trying to drink hot puddies?
12:49Well, either acute alcohol poisoning after drinking alcohol straight from the street
12:52or from the filth mixed in with it.
12:53Yeah.
12:54If you drink anything out of a gutter, it's not good, is it?
12:55LAUGHTER
12:56People came from all over Dublin for the time.
12:57And I was like, I'm sorry.
12:58I'm sorry.
12:59I'm sorry.
13:00I'm sorry.
13:01I'm sorry.
13:02I'm sorry.
13:03I'm sorry.
13:04I'm sorry.
13:05I'm sorry.
13:06I'm sorry.
13:07I'm sorry.
13:08I'm sorry.
13:09I'm sorry.
13:10I'm sorry.
13:11I'm sorry.
13:12I'm sorry.
13:13I'm sorry.
13:14I'm sorry.
13:15People came from all over Dublin for this free hot.
13:18Right, right.
13:19They used their hats, their boots to scoop it up.
13:22People were, as you say, supping straight from the street.
13:24There's one place, according to one report, a house burnt down during a wake.
13:30The family saved the body from the fire but went right back to the whisky.
13:34LAUGHTER
13:35Now, why could they not just put water on it?
13:37Isn't that...with alcohol you can't...
13:39I mean...
13:40You've got to get the wet tea towel.
13:41It is done.
13:42It's like oil on top of water.
13:43It was impossible.
13:44So what they did was they built a dam out of ash and horse manure to stop them.
13:47Wow.
13:48People carried on drinking.
13:49LAUGHTER
13:50A little horse manure cocktail.
13:52I know.
13:53Everybody was safely evacuated, including pigs and horses at Round Wild.
13:57One man was arrested for stealing a barrel of whisky that had escaped and rolled down the streets.
14:02I like this.
14:03He was fined £1 and the barrel was sent to a nearby hospital to be given to the patients.
14:08Some of whom, presumably, were already suffering from alcohol poisoning.
14:12LAUGHTER
14:13What do you think?
14:14Whisky originated Scotland or Ireland?
14:15What are we going to go for?
14:16Wales.
14:17You can get Welsh whisky.
14:19Yeah.
14:20We don't know.
14:21I'd say Scotland.
14:22And how can you tell the difference?
14:23It says it on the bottle.
14:24Spelling.
14:25It's the spelling of whisky.
14:28Which is?
14:29Scottish whisky.
14:30Oh, God!
14:31Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
14:33Has...
14:34No E.
14:35Not got an E.
14:36Is correct.
14:37Oh, yes!
14:38Has not got a what?
14:39Has not got an E.
14:40So, it's Irish whisky, it's EY.
14:42Yeah.
14:43Scotch whisky is just Y.
14:44And so, when the Irish moved to America, they took the E with them.
14:46So, American whisky has an E too.
14:48But Japan, there is no E because the father of Japanese whisky, Masataka Takatsuro,
14:54he learnt to distill in Scotland.
14:56Now, who washed Hitler's wig?
14:59Wow.
15:00I'm very much hoping that you're going to reveal that the wig is his moustache.
15:04Oh!
15:05And he had a wig moustache kind of like a merkin or something?
15:08Coincidentally.
15:09Yes.
15:10This is genuine.
15:11Yeah.
15:12The only other time I painted myself green.
15:17I did a sketch when I first started out in comedy and I was completely naked apart from a merkin.
15:22Can we just explain to anybody who doesn't know?
15:24It's a pubic wig.
15:25Can I just say, the Victoria and Albert Museum has a merkin department and you can ask to see them.
15:34I would be very happy to show you mine.
15:35I retained it.
15:36And the sketch was, I painted myself green and I jumped out of a wardrobe shouting,
15:40I'm a wee goblin!
15:41So, oh!
15:42I remember that sketch!
15:43Yes!
15:44Yes!
15:45I was not looking at the merkin.
15:47Her boobs are just slightly...
15:49That's great!
15:50You're genuine!
15:51There's one better than the other!
15:52So anyway, I retained the merkin as a beautiful souvenir of something I shouldn't have done!
16:08So is it that he had doubles?
16:14So we are talking...
16:15A double.
16:16A doppelganger of some kind?
16:17Where might you find such a thing in London, for example?
16:19Oh, at Madame Tussauds.
16:20Madame Tussauds, exactly.
16:21Madame Tussauds, so it was hit by a bomb in 1940.
16:24352 waxwork heads were destroyed but Hitler's was just covered in rubble and his and other surviving heads,
16:32including Mussolini's, had a post-bombardment shampoo.
16:36And were put back on display.
16:39But during the war, did they need a wax version of him?
16:42And did they need to number it so people would be like,
16:44one, two, five, who's there?
16:45Oh, yeah.
16:46Well, it's been there since 1933 and since it was installed, people have tried to destroy the waxworks,
16:53doused in red paint, decorated with a sign that said mass murderer.
16:57By 1936, it had been repaired so many times that they decided to put the whole thing in a glass case
17:03and they only took Hitler off display in 2016 when neo-Nazis started taking selfies.
17:08Oh, God.
17:09He was there till 2016?
17:102016, yeah.
17:11But it's a slightly strange collection of people here.
17:13I think that's Pat Jennings at the very back.
17:17Very good goalkeeper.
17:19People have spotted him who know Pat Jennings.
17:21It is Pat Jennings, isn't it?
17:22It is Pat Jennings.
17:23I just realised that those two people are actual humans.
17:26Yeah, they're humans.
17:29The waxworks at Madame Tussauds of Bill Clinton,
17:32had to superglue his zipper on his trousers.
17:35Yeah.
17:36Wonderful.
17:37So, we're talking about wax.
17:39Why do shepherds have such soft hands?
17:42Yes.
17:45Is it lanolin?
17:47Is the correct.
17:48Oh!
17:53What is lanolin?
17:55So, it's like an oil that's in the sheep's coat and it's what they put in like hand cream and lip balm
18:00and it's really important to know that because if you buy a vegan, a present, say your best friend is Sarah Pascoe,
18:06and you're like, this has got lanolin and it's really good, you then realise, no.
18:10Yes.
18:11They don't like it with sheep producting.
18:12So, you get to keep it.
18:13So, it's quite good.
18:14Yeah, so, lanolin is literally Latin for wool oil and sheep are absolutely covered in wax and it stops their wool getting waterlogged.
18:24It is used for all sorts of products.
18:26It's used to soothe, I don't know why I'm looking at you, chap nipples.
18:28I don't know why I'm looking at you.
18:29It's used to lubricate wind instruments like trombones, lip balms.
18:34But you're right about the whole vegan thing, it's complicated because a lot of supermarket fruit is covered in edible wax, right?
18:40Yes.
18:41So, it protects it from getting scratched and makes it all look nice and gives it a longer shelf life and all that.
18:45So, apples and so on.
18:46It's not a lot.
18:47So, if you had the wax coating on, say, 6,500 apples, it's enough to make one tea light.
18:52But the vegetarian society has announced that the shellac that they use for this is not vegetarian due to the number of bugs killed when the shellac is collected.
19:03So, it has never been vegan, may not be vegetarian and technically fruit in supermarkets may not be vegan in itself because of this.
19:12Yeah.
19:13But there's no law that says a supermarket has to label loose fruit as containing shellac.
19:17So, anyway, you can tell if it's unnaturally shiny or it's got a waxy feel or a thin layer.
19:22You can tell if you scrape it.
19:23Very good for you, apples.
19:25What?
19:26Keep the doctor away, you know.
19:27Especially if you lop it, Alan.
19:30While we are on wax, you've each got a candle.
19:34Can you guess what those candles are meant to smell like?
19:37Ooh.
19:38So, let's start with you, Alan.
19:40What do you hope that smells like?
19:43Oh!
19:44Ooh!
19:45Oh, Christ!
19:46And a bite!
19:47That's horrendous!
19:48What it is, it's garlicky and acrid and I don't know why anybody would want this.
19:52It's supposed to smell of mustard gas.
19:54Oh!
19:55Did you just poison Alan for a question?
19:59It's for people who want to evoke First World War battlefields.
20:02Why?
20:03I mean, that really sounds a lovely sort of dinner party.
20:06I know.
20:07Come in, sit down.
20:08Bit of mustard gas.
20:10Wow.
20:11Cariad, what is your one?
20:12Is that vinegar?
20:13What's with chips?
20:15It's cheese and onion.
20:16Oh, is it?
20:17Oh, crisps, yeah.
20:18It's got no actual cheese.
20:19I mean, it's fine for vegan snippers.
20:20LAUGHTER
20:22Deliso?
20:23Mine's actually quite pleasant.
20:24I can't place it, but I know this scent.
20:26Is it, like, licorice or something?
20:28Well, it's petrol.
20:29Oh!
20:30Give us a...
20:31Yeah.
20:32I like it.
20:33LAUGHTER
20:34Do you not remember when you're younger at the petrol station rolling down the window when
20:38your mum was filling up the tank and just goes quack and quack and quack?
20:44No, here's the thing.
20:45The smell of petrol is why one might like it.
20:48It temporarily suppresses the nervous system, so it gives you a sort of euphoric feeling.
20:53But it's incredibly bad for you because the chemicals disrupt messaging in the brain as well as the ability of the blood to carry oxygen.
21:00But that candle promises the joys of that forbidden fragrance without brain damage.
21:05Oh!
21:06LAUGHTER
21:08I mean, if you did it a lot when you were younger, like, you'd be fine.
21:12LAUGHTER
21:14Just sniff your candle, darling.
21:16What have you got?
21:17What do you think that is?
21:20What?
21:21You don't like it?
21:22That is just... Is it vomit?
21:23No, it's not!
21:24LAUGHTER
21:25What is it?
21:26Human breast milk.
21:27LAUGHTER
21:28I feel we're on a theme with you.
21:37No.
21:38Did you not like it at all?
21:40LAUGHTER
21:41Which breast did it come from?
21:44LAUGHTER
21:45Is it from Sally's perfect?
21:47I'm sorry, Sally.
21:48I took two of all the things in my life.
21:52All the questions I've ever had.
21:54I don't want to smell anything after a mastecta.
21:55What does breast milk smell like?
21:57That doesn't smell her breast milk.
21:58I don't think it does either.
21:59No.
22:00I mean...
22:01It smells quite sweet.
22:02Yeah.
22:03And breast milk does smell sweet.
22:04Well, it actually doesn't smell that bad.
22:05It doesn't have vomit.
22:06It's made by an artist called Tasha Marks.
22:07It's not that bad.
22:08Can I just say there's no actual breast milk in it?
22:10Yeah.
22:11But she created this smell.
22:12Mixed messages here, Sandy.
22:14LAUGHTER
22:15She wanted it to smell warm and evocative.
22:17It doesn't smell of vomit.
22:18That's a very unusual reaction, Susan.
22:19It smells of vomit.
22:20That's a vomit candle.
22:21LAUGHTER
22:27I feel very uncomfortable.
22:28Delisa, give her some more petrol, don't you?
22:31LAUGHTER
22:32APPLAUSE
22:34I've got 12 different scented candles in my house right now.
22:41Have you?
22:42What scent is it?
22:43Are they all different?
22:44Different scents.
22:45Are they mixed together and make pets?
22:46No.
22:47LAUGHTER
22:48The only time we used scented candles was when we got a new dog
22:52and we hadn't quite worked out the right diet for her.
22:55LAUGHTER
22:59Turned out she needed grain-free dog food.
23:02Cos if she didn't have grain-free, oh, my God.
23:04LAUGHTER
23:05Right.
23:06What begins with W and is the fifth most common reason
23:09for car insurance claims in Germany?
23:12Windows?
23:13Windows?
23:14Wheels?
23:15No, nothing to do with the car.
23:16It's something that happens.
23:17Women?
23:18No.
23:23Wildebeest?
23:24No.
23:25Oh, you are closer than anybody.
23:26Wolves.
23:27Wolves.
23:28Getting closer.
23:29Wolves.
23:30Werewolves.
23:31Weasels.
23:32Yes.
23:33Weasels?
23:34Weasels?
23:35Weasels?
23:36Is the correct answer.
23:37Wow.
23:38Weasels.
23:39You can buy weasel insurance for your car in Germany.
23:43Actually, they're called Beach Martins, which is a member of the weasel family.
23:47They like to crawl into small, warm places.
23:50Oh, don't we all?
23:51Yeah, yeah.
23:52Oh, yeah.
23:53And so around the car engine and then they chew the wires.
23:56In 2019, 198,000 weasel damage claims in Germany alone.
24:02What?
24:03And so there are now companies that offer weasel insurance.
24:07In fact, Audi and Mercedes-Benz thought, oh, my God, this is actually a serious problem.
24:11They thought maybe it was the German cars.
24:13So they hired this biologist called Karl Kugelschafter and he concluded it was nothing to do with the manufacture of the car,
24:19just that the weasel population boom had coincided with a production boom of German cars.
24:26So large predators like foxes were dying out due to habitat loss.
24:30There was a decline in hunting because of welfare laws.
24:33Weasel fur coats had gone out of fashion.
24:35There was a succession of milder winters, so you get much higher survival rates.
24:39And they've adapted to urban life.
24:41So they have now invented something called a Wiedensaubrinzip, which is the world's first anti-weasel device,
24:48which is fitted to Mercedes engines and basically gives them a nasty electric shock.
24:53If you want to be thrifty, you can use a spray made of bear urine.
24:57But then your car has to smell of bear urine.
25:00Yes.
25:01Well, you know.
25:03Just leave the lid off the petrol cap and you'll be absolutely...
25:06Get the breast milk candle out.
25:08Yes.
25:09That'll be fine.
25:10But they are astonishing beach martins.
25:12In 2016, a single one of them shut down the Large Hadron Collider.
25:16It got in there.
25:17It hopped in there.
25:18And then they switched it on.
25:19Well...
25:20It was electrocuted, I'm afraid, by an 18,000-volt transformer.
25:31That'll do it.
25:32Yeah.
25:33So there's a Rotterdam Museum curator called Keith Mullica,
25:38and he collects animals that have come to an unfortunate but newsworthy death.
25:43LAUGHTER
25:44It's English.
25:45It's English.
25:46It's English.
25:47Are you doing anything with that weasel, can I have it?
25:49LAUGHTER
25:50He literally went to get the weasel from the Hadron Collider.
25:54He's got a catfish that got stuck in a Dutch man's throat in 2016.
25:59He's got a sparrow accidentally knocked down 23,000 dominoes in a world record toppling attempt in the Netherlands and was subsequently shot.
26:10LAUGHTER
26:13Oh, wow.
26:14Why would you shoot a wee sparrow for just a...
26:16Cos it's knocked down all those dominoes!
26:19People take dominoes very seriously.
26:21When it did it, it just had its foot on the first one for ages.
26:25LAUGHTER
26:28The weasels in this country, in the UK, are mostly least weasels.
26:32They're only about eight inches long.
26:34Beautiful.
26:35I don't think they're so cute.
26:36They pierce holes in birds' eggs and lick the protein oozing out.
26:40Oh, that's less cute, isn't it?
26:43They suck the unborn chicks in juice.
26:45Yes.
26:46Oh.
26:47Incredibly high metabolism.
26:48Their heart beats 500 times a minute.
26:49Oh, wow.
26:50They need to eat a third of their body mass every single day,
26:53and they need to poo every hour and a quarter.
26:55Same as me.
26:56Absolutely not right.
26:58LAUGHTER
26:59Wouldn't get one as a pet.
27:00I think that's a lot.
27:01No, no, no.
27:02That's a lot of pooing.
27:03Maybe they should eat less than they wouldn't shit.
27:05LAUGHTER
27:06According to Ojibwe and Chippewa mythology, so Native American,
27:10in Wisconsin, apparently, according to them,
27:12there is a deer-headed monster called the Wendigo, OK?
27:16It's a malevolent creature.
27:18It's got insatiable hunger for human flesh, right?
27:21It can be killed, if you want to know how to do it,
27:24by tempting a weasel to climb up its bottom.
27:26LAUGHTER
27:27Climb up its bottom or in its bottom?
27:29No, climb up its bottom.
27:30Oh, well...
27:31In or up?
27:32OK, you're being very specific.
27:33Well, listen, you have to be online.
27:35Yeah, in.
27:36Is in or up?
27:37LAUGHTER
27:38In and up.
27:39In and up.
27:40OK, just checking.
27:41Yeah, yeah.
27:42So, if you're in Wisconsin, just bear that in mind.
27:45The car industry has suffered an epidemic of German weasels.
27:48LAUGHTER
27:49Come on, that's quite clever.
27:50That is quite clever.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:53APPLAUSE
27:55OK, here's another question.
27:56Which Wikipedia articles are 100% wrong?
28:00I bet it's their articles on Encyclopedia Britannica.
28:04LAUGHTER
28:05There are many problems with Wikipedia,
28:08but the way in which it has been sourced
28:11is that anybody with the time and the technology can input
28:14and you don't necessarily have to know what you are talking about.
28:17So, in 2020, it was discovered that nearly half of the articles
28:22on Scots Wikipedia were written by a North Carolina teenager
28:27who didn't speak a word of Scots.
28:29What?
28:30Wow.
28:31Yeah.
28:32He went by the name Amaryllis Gardner.
28:34And between the age of 12 and 19, he created over 20,000 articles.
28:38He made hundreds of thousands of edits.
28:41He essentially took English language articles
28:44and rewrote them with a Scottish accent.
28:46LAUGHTER
28:49And he then became an administrator and used his power
28:52to undo other people's attempts to correct his work.
28:55Wow.
28:56Wikipedia articles are now being used to train AI models,
28:59so you might take something which an AI model has told you
29:02and not know that it's come from Wikipedia
29:04and some of those AI models may have trained
29:06on the work by the North Carolina teenager who said that it was Scots.
29:10So...so...so...so...so...
29:13So, a teenager from North Carolina was writing articles on Scots or Scottish.
29:18He was just using English language articles
29:21and rewriting them with what he thought was a Scottish accent.
29:24LAUGHTER
29:25So it wasn't like Scots Gaelic or anything?
29:27No, no, not even that.
29:28What a very, very...
29:30Him and the guy that runs the museum with dead animals
29:33going together.
29:34I know.
29:35It's a niche thing.
29:36Yeah.
29:37Can anybody read the Scots language?
29:39Anybody?
29:40Yeah.
29:41Well, let's give Susan a coat.
29:42Yeah, shall we?
29:43Yeah, yeah.
29:44Well, it depends who you read the Scots language or something.
29:46Well, it's recognised as one of the three indigenous languages in Scotland.
29:50So, Gaelic, English and Scots.
29:52Yes, Scots, yep.
29:53So, I'm going to put a Scots sentence up from the Scottish Government website
29:58on the screen and see if anybody is a skilled linguist
30:01without really knowing it.
30:02In the 2022 census, that number of people reported that they could speak Scots
30:06with that number of people reporting that they could speak right,
30:08write or understand Scots.
30:10There you go.
30:11That's fantastic.
30:12I love that.
30:17Does that count as a...
30:19No, no, this is...
30:20Don't.
30:24Does that count as a language?
30:27I think it does, Dalito.
30:29I think it does.
30:30Burns wrote in Scots.
30:32So, Scots is a language used in poetry and music
30:35and it's still used colloquially by a lot of people in Scotland.
30:39But what I mean is, without ever hearing of this language,
30:43I can understand that.
30:45Well, perhaps you're a greater linguist than you are.
30:47OK.
30:49There is a lot of Wikipedia vandalism.
30:51Willy on Wheels is one of my favourites.
30:54He created thousands of throwaway accounts
30:56so that he could just deface Wikipedia articles
30:59and his most prolific work was simply adding
31:02on wheels to the end of any...
31:04LAUGHTER
31:05..to the end of any article title.
31:07Wow.
31:08As well as redirecting the news page to a picture of a willy.
31:12LAUGHTER
31:13You know what?
31:14Genius comes in all forms.
31:15That's right.
31:16We respect it when we see it.
31:17OK.
31:18My father's a politician in Malawi,
31:20so there's an ongoing, like, war of rewriting his Wikipedia page.
31:25So every few days, like, things come up from the opposition,
31:28someone's changed it.
31:30And he's got an intern who just constantly...
31:33Keeps fixing it.
31:34Keeps fixing it.
31:35Anyway, Wikipedia is the largest collection of knowledge
31:37in humanity's history.
31:38It is 85% by and about white middle-class men.
31:42And that is only going to be perpetuated as AI scrapes this data.
31:46But there are some quite funny ones.
31:48The president of FIFA was given an award by South Africa
31:51after the Football World Cup was held there,
31:53but the official website took his name
31:55from the most recent Wikipedia page, which had been vandalised,
31:59and announced that they had given it to Joseph Sepp Bellend Blatter.
32:03LAUGHTER
32:04Yes!
32:05Yes!
32:06Yes!
32:07Yes!
32:08Yes!
32:09When Manchester City wanted to...
32:12They wanted to name one of their stands
32:15after one of their former great players,
32:17a guy called Colin Bell,
32:19they wanted to do a vote amongst the fans,
32:21what shall we call it?
32:22And all these Manchester United fans started voting for the Bellend.
32:25LAUGHTER
32:27Wonderful!
32:29Actually, some of it's very clever.
32:30There's an Australian electronic band called Peking Duck
32:32and they were playing in Melbourne in 2015
32:34and a fan went backstage and said,
32:36I'm the lead singer's stepbrother,
32:38and for proof, he showed them the Wikipedia page,
32:41which he had changed two minutes earlier.
32:43Wow!
32:44Oh, wow!
32:45What's the biggest waste of time you can think of?
32:48Oh, I...
32:49Yes.
32:50I think they call it doomscrolling.
32:51Oh, doomscrolling, yeah.
32:53Yeah, when you're just on your phone
32:55looking at nonsense, scrolling...
32:58I hear about this, but I've never done this in my whole life.
33:00Oh, oh, it's so...
33:01You've never doomscroll?
33:02You've never just found...
33:03You've gone, oh, I've been here for six hours?
33:04Yes.
33:05No!
33:06No!
33:07What are you looking at?
33:08Like, literally, it's these sites like TikTok or Instagram
33:11where their algorithm has mapped all the things
33:15you're mildly interested in.
33:16So if you like cats and you like, uh, comedians,
33:19it will find a cat comedian.
33:21Like, literally, it knows you like things
33:24you don't even know you like,
33:26and so you just, like, will addictively move
33:29from one useless clip to the next.
33:31OK, so I like Danish things and chainsaws.
33:34Is that a thing?
33:35Whoa!
33:36Sandy, now you've said that, the algorithm has heard you.
33:38There's absolutely solid Danish women chainsawing giant trees down.
33:43I feel like it's one of the most useless addictions.
33:46Like, at least cocaine, they've got good stories.
33:53I've got...
33:54There's nothing rock and roll about, like,
33:56I waste too much time looking at the internet.
33:59Other people's stories just going, huh?
34:01Yes, exactly.
34:02The only one I like...
34:04Yeah?
34:05People falling down escalations.
34:06Yeah.
34:09I would watch that.
34:10I mean, you guys could just watch old reruns of
34:12You've Been Framed.
34:13Yes.
34:14I'm not very proud of this,
34:15but I actually now have to block myself.
34:18Yeah, same.
34:19When I need to work.
34:21I'm not on Facebook or TikTok or anything.
34:22I took everything off.
34:23I've only got two apps left on my phone.
34:25What are the two apps?
34:26The only thing I...
34:27Left tit, right tit.
34:28The only thing...
34:29LAUGHTER
34:34One's better than the other.
34:35One's better than the other.
34:36I think an app called I Feel a Right Tit is a very...
34:38Meanwhile, what's that woman doing in the day?
34:41Is that sounding...
34:42Well, this is the thing that you would not want to be able
34:44to tidy up in a desert.
34:45What an incredible waste of time.
34:46There was a guy called William Shanks,
34:48and he spent 20 years calculating pie to 707 places, right?
34:53OK.
34:54Got you.
34:55I can do around 9.
34:563.1415927.
34:59Yeah, I could do 1.159265.
35:02LAUGHTER
35:03I'm reading from that!
35:05LAUGHTER
35:06The thing is, he spent 20 years doing this to 707 places.
35:12He made an error which meant that all the digits after 527
35:16were wrong, and it was not discovered until 62 years after his death.
35:21He died in 1882, having wasted a great deal of his life.
35:25Is it really a waste?
35:26Is it really a waste?
35:27Is it really a waste?
35:28When he died, he thought he'd done it right.
35:29So he died a happy man.
35:31That's the...
35:32That's the main thing.
35:33That's the main thing.
35:34Yeah, but he could have done something else.
35:36LAUGHTER
35:37But, like, nothing is pointless which brings you joy.
35:40OK, so take this story and tell me whether you would have gone this far.
35:432022, there was a man in Uttar Pradesh called Tungh Nath Chaturvedi, OK?
35:48And he had been trying to get 20 rupees back from a train ticket since 1999.
35:55LAUGHTER
35:56And he got it...
35:57I admire that.
35:58It took 23 years.
35:59Wow.
36:00So what happened was he asked for a refund on the spot and he was refused, right?
36:03He went through 100 hearings and in the end he got his money back.
36:08And his family were furious.
36:09Said it was an incredible waste of time and money.
36:11He said it's not the money that matters.
36:13This was always about a fight for justice and a fight against corruption.
36:17So it was worth it.
36:18Yes!
36:19APPLAUSE
36:20This man...
36:23Absolute legend.
36:24Yeah, go for it.
36:25Anyway, he got his money back.
36:26My favourite of the things that you think, wow, that's a waste of time,
36:29but good on you.
36:301934, Paramount Pictures made an amazing film, which I have seen,
36:34and they called it It Ain't No Sin, right?
36:37So as a publicity stunt, what they did was they got a load of parrots
36:41in a room and they continuously played them the name of the movie,
36:45right?
36:46Continuously played them It Ain't No Sin.
36:47And the idea was the birds would learn to say it and then the studio
36:50would send one to every single reviewer in the land and the birds
36:54would keep saying the name of the movie.
36:56Unfortunately, at the last moment, the movie which starred Mae West
36:59had to change its name because it was regarded as too risque.
37:04So they changed the name to Belle of the 90s.
37:07And so they had a load of parrots who could say...
37:09It ain't no sin.
37:10It ain't no sin.
37:11It ain't no sin, but it was completely pointless
37:12and they couldn't send them to anybody.
37:13Oh!
37:14Oh!
37:15I know.
37:16Don't you love that?
37:17And there's a guy in France called Ricard Pleau.
37:19He spent 4,200 hours over eight years building a 23-foot-tall model
37:26of the Eiffel Tower.
37:27There it is, out of 706,900 matchsticks.
37:32He finished it on the 100th anniversary of the death of Eiffel,
37:362023, December 27th.
37:38He applied to the Guinness World Records for the world's tallest
37:41matchstick tower.
37:42They disqualified him because he'd taken the red tops off the matchsticks.
37:46No!
37:47No, that's unacceptable, Guinness.
37:49Well, the next day they relented and they gave it to him.
37:52There must have been that one night where you think,
37:54that's it, my whole life I've spent eight years building that.
37:57Now, it's time for the second most pointless quiz on television,
38:01general ignorance, fingers on buzzers, please.
38:04My first question, do you have common sense?
38:09Delisa.
38:10Naturally, of course I do.
38:11Oh, OK.
38:12This is the first time I am going to call to question that ringing.
38:18OK.
38:19So what do you think is common sense, Tony?
38:20Common sense is like, uh, acquired, um, logic.
38:25No, acquired like, um, more than logic.
38:28It's just like homespun knowledge.
38:30Right.
38:31So you can't really define it.
38:32Is that what you're saying?
38:33Oh.
38:34I see your point.
38:35Well, I think part of the problem is that we all disagree.
38:37Oh, I see.
38:38About what common sense is.
38:40So there was a team at the University of Pennsylvania in 2024.
38:43They took a group of over 2,000 people and they asked them
38:45to look at more than 4,000 statements.
38:47And then the people had to rate them whether or not they thought
38:49they were common sense.
38:50And the idea was that maybe if a large enough cohort of people
38:53could agree on something, that statement could be called
38:56common sense.
38:57Yeah, yeah.
38:58It's incredibly personal.
38:59So the only things that people could actually agree on
39:01were statements of fact.
39:02So a triangle's got three sides.
39:04But statements, things like numbers don't lie.
39:06We should always trust the math.
39:07All human beings are created equal.
39:09Things like that seemed more divisive.
39:11Those are the things that people would argue about.
39:13And it's interesting when they try and decide to program AI systems
39:17using human common sense.
39:18But we're never going to agree as to exactly what that is.
39:21I mean, a lot of it's passed down.
39:22That's the problem.
39:23So I still always have money in my purse in case I need to use
39:27a phone box.
39:28I mean, good luck with that.
39:31I was at Paddington Station not that long ago and there was a
39:36young, young boy who hadn't got his phone and I taught him how
39:40to use a pay phone.
39:41Wow.
39:42And it was one of the nicest moments of my life.
39:44Are you sure it wasn't a defibrillator?
39:47And I felt great because it felt like all my training is a brownie.
39:54Finally, 40 years later, come to fruition.
39:57I bet that uniform still fits.
39:59I still have it and I still wear it.
40:03Love that.
40:04Common sense is less common than common sense suggests.
40:10What would a French person call this?
40:12A chaise longue.
40:14Sorry.
40:15That was scary.
40:16Several things were left at once.
40:17What were you going to say?
40:18A lady.
40:20So not a chaise longue.
40:21They use that for a different kind of chair.
40:22A deck chair is a chaise longue.
40:23Is it?
40:24Yes, absolutely.
40:25The thing that we have here is a meridienne.
40:26Something in the world.
40:27Meridienne?
40:28Meridienne for Latin for midday.
40:29She looks really pissed off about it.
40:30She wanted a deck chair.
40:31I'm so sorry.
40:32What chaise longue is a deck chair?
40:33It's a deck chair.
40:34It's a deck chair, yeah.
40:35So what have I got in my house?
40:36Because I was sold a chaise longue.
40:37Why do we call that a chaise longue?
40:38I mean, that is a long chair because it's a long chair.
40:39Because the English are just much more straightforward about it.
40:40Oh, you want to get one of them long chairs that you can lie on.
40:41How long do you want it?
40:42Who initiated using a chaise longue?
40:43A chaise longue?
40:44I'm so sorry.
40:45Meridienne.
40:46Meridienne.
40:47Meridienne.
40:48Meridienne.
40:49Meridienne from Latin for midday.
40:50She looks really pissed off about it.
40:51She wanted a deck chair.
40:52I'm so sorry.
40:53What chaise longue is a deck chair?
40:54It's a deck chair, yeah.
40:55So what have I got in my house?
40:56I was sold a chaise longue.
40:57Why do we call that a chaise longue?
40:58I mean, that is a long chair.
40:59Because the English are just much more straightforward about it.
41:01Oh, you want to get one of them long chairs that you can lie on.
41:04How long do you want it?
41:06Who initiated using a chaise-lons as a...?
41:09I wondered what that question was going to be.
41:11It's going to be Marie Antoinette.
41:14LAUGHTER
41:16OK, shall I ask the question now? Yeah, go on, yeah.
41:19Who initiated the chaise-lons as a psychoanalyst's couch?
41:22LAUGHTER
41:24APPLAUSE
41:26Marie Antoinette!
41:28Marie Antoinette!
41:29I heard it on cue eye. It was Marie Antoinette.
41:32Is it not Freud but a descendant of Freud?
41:35No, it is Freud. It is Freud.
41:36Do you thought the combination of lying down and not being able to see the analyst
41:39was going to allow you to open up more?
41:41The truth is that he didn't really like eye contact.
41:44He said, I cannot put up with being stared at for eight hours a day.
41:47And so he didn't really want to look at them either.
41:49So it just seemed like a better thing.
41:51Louis XV, he had a thing that I'd like. It's a chaise-volante.
41:55Flying chairs, kind of primitive lift.
41:58And it was built into the royal palace at Versailles in 1743.
42:01And the idea was that his mistresses could bypass the stairs.
42:03Oh!
42:04And even the servants.
42:05So it would spirit a woman three floors up using counterweights,
42:07which I just love.
42:08Wow!
42:09Fantastic!
42:10Like a sexy stun instead.
42:11And is that correct?
42:12Yeah.
42:13But is that because, like, your wife's coming?
42:15Yeah, seriously.
42:16It was just like a way of going, way!
42:18And I'm like...
42:19So the Duchess of Bourbon had another one installed in her mansion in Versailles,
42:22but got stuck in it for three hours.
42:24And in the end they had to knock all the walls down to get the lift off,
42:27but...
42:28Louis XV liked the thrill of the chaise.
42:31I got that one.
42:32I got that one.
42:33I got that one.
42:34I got that one.
42:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
42:36That one was really clear.
42:37A worrying noise from the audience.
42:39So all that remains is to hand out the medals.
42:42Let's see who gets what.
42:45In last place, with minus 44, it's Alan!
42:48Yeah!
42:50Next, with minus 6, Feliso!
42:54In second place, but who's counting with minus 5?
42:56Carriot!
43:00And in first place, with the utmost wherewithal,
43:03with three whole points.
43:05Come on!
43:06Susan!
43:15Thank you to Susan Deliso, Carriot, and of course, Alan.
43:17And I leave you with this question from American comedian Rita Rudner.
43:21How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue,
43:24and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake?
43:27Where does the glue go?
43:28I don't know.
43:30APPLAUSE
43:45MUSIC
43:49FADES
43:56COOK
43:57WELCOME
43:58with...
43:59ALONT
44:00INCIDENT
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