- 10 hours ago
QI XL S23E09 - Winter Wonderland - Christmas Special 2025
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00:30Good evening, Merry Christmas, and welcome to QI, where we are walking in a winter wonderland.
00:39Let's meet our windswept wanderers.
00:42Driving home for Christmas, it's Julian Clary.
00:48Dashing through the snow, it's Fatia El Ghorey.
00:54Jingling all the way, it's Jimmy Carr.
01:00And the reindeer in the headlights, it's Alan Davis.
01:09Let's hear their wintry buzzers.
01:11Julian goes...
01:13Snow is falling, all around me.
01:17Fatia goes...
01:19Frosty the snowman.
01:21I was ready for a bit more.
01:23Yeah, that's a bit tight.
01:24It's Christmas, hello.
01:25Yeah.
01:26Jimmy goes...
01:28Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
01:32And Alan goes...
01:34Why does it always rain on me?
01:38Right, let's start by looking under your desks.
01:43I have some Christmas presents for you all.
01:46Uh, Sandy.
01:47Yes, what?
01:48Each year...
01:49Yeah?
01:50You give us presents.
01:51I do, yeah.
01:51And this year, I have a present for you.
01:55Oh, okay.
01:56Applause, please.
01:57This is from all of us.
02:06Okay.
02:07And who, who wrapped it?
02:09Don't worry about the wrapping, the wrapping's fine.
02:12Right.
02:12Why am I likely to be delighted by this gift,
02:15exactly the way it's been presented?
02:17That looks like a child has wrapped it.
02:20And so, maybe from...
02:22LAUGHTER
02:23From the heart.
02:26Yeah.
02:26I never want to get a present where I have to get an implement
02:29to open it.
02:30Yeah, you've got to get scissors out.
02:31You've got to get a pen knife or something to get into it.
02:33I don't like that.
02:34This is better.
02:36You could actually probably blow on it and it would open.
02:38I think you're probably right.
02:40So, there was an American writer called Drusilla Lowry,
02:43and she wrote a book called The Art of Wrapping Gifts, right,
02:45and she said that a sloppily wrapped package indicates
02:48poor taste and indifference or lack of skill.
02:50But, there was a study done in 2019 at the University of Nevada,
02:54and they found the opposite.
02:55People actually react rather better to a poorly wrapped present
02:59because they have a much lower expectation of what's inside.
03:03I don't like getting gifts.
03:05Do you not?
03:06Why?
03:06No, because people then expect gratitude,
03:08and I don't rarely feel any.
03:10LAUGHTER
03:11Get your gift.
03:14Do you prefer to give or receive?
03:15Gift.
03:16Can we just clip that and put it on TikTok?
03:19LAUGHTER
03:20I'm going to see what it is, and did you choose it yourself?
03:24Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:25OK.
03:25Jimmy here.
03:27Oh, look!
03:30It's a waffle iron.
03:31That's so lovely.
03:32There you go.
03:32I love that.
03:34APPLAUSE
03:35So, this effect of responding better to poorly wrapped presents,
03:41it's true if you get it from a stranger
03:43or if you get it from a close friend, right?
03:45Where we don't like a poorly wrapped present
03:47is when it's from an acquaintance.
03:49Oh.
03:49I'm trying to shake off acquaintances.
03:52You're either in or you're out.
03:54Yeah, exactly.
03:54Isn't that right, Javier?
03:55It is.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:57That's the spirit.
04:05LAUGHTER
04:06That'll run all evening, don't you?
04:10Well, I'm sure there's an ointment for it.
04:13But if it's an acquaintance,
04:15apparently people prefer it to be neatly wrapped
04:16because then they feel that that person
04:18has taken some time about it.
04:19When they say to you in the store,
04:21would you like that wrapped,
04:22should you say yes or no?
04:24I sometimes think that really shows
04:26that you don't give a toss.
04:27Yeah, if you get somebody else to do it.
04:28It really does.
04:29If you just get them to do a shh
04:31with the scissors and the ribbon.
04:33If someone gives you a poorly wrapped present,
04:36then that means you can give them a poorly wrapped present,
04:38so I don't mind.
04:39Yeah, or you can just wrap it up the same again
04:41and give it back.
04:41Or sometimes what I do is throw it in the bin
04:43and then they come and visit me
04:45and then I go,
04:45can you put this in the bin, please?
04:46And then they see their present,
04:47then they know it's shit.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:54Terry Wogan in those days
04:56was doing The Wogan Show
04:56and he asked for ugly things you'd received
04:59that they could sell off
05:00for children in need as a joke, right?
05:02So I sent this clock in.
05:04Waddy, my mother's there.
05:05She says, let's watch The Wogan Show.
05:07And the thing comes on
05:09and I can see the clock in front of him
05:11and I pretended I was having a seizure.
05:13LAUGHTER
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15LAUGHTER
05:15Anyway, I did receive
05:20an absolutely fantastic gift
05:21which I want to show you
05:22so I just want to handle this
05:23very, very carefully.
05:25I'm just going to bring...
05:25These gloves are...
05:26Are you going to give me an enema?
05:27LAUGHTER
05:28So, look at this marvellous box
05:31that we've got here
05:32and when I open it up inside,
05:37this is a saint's relic, OK?
05:40This is Saint Wolfstan.
05:41You'll like this,
05:42patron saint of vegetarians and peasants.
05:44LAUGHTER
05:45It looks like a chicken bone.
05:47It does.
05:47OK.
05:49It is a chicken bone
05:50from one of the researchers' lunches today.
05:52It is...
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53What I was trying to prove
05:55is what they call the reliqui effect.
05:58So if you show a random bone
05:59and you put it in a marvellous reliqui case,
06:02people will think it is much more valuable
06:04than it is if it's just a chicken bone,
06:07which is, in fact, what it was.
06:09That's a bit like, you know,
06:09when I wear make-up?
06:10Yes.
06:11LAUGHTER
06:11Well, there was a time
06:13when perfectly ordinary brown paper was used...
06:15I'm going to put my relic away.
06:17Brown paper was used a lot in shops to wrap presents.
06:201910s, paper commonly used in American grocery stores
06:23and the newspapers started to write editorials
06:26against the practice.
06:27So why might that be?
06:291910s?
06:30Where are we heading for 1910?
06:32The war?
06:33World War I.
06:34You need paper.
06:35It's essential for war.
06:36And it was becoming increasingly expensive.
06:38And I think they thought if you could reduce demand
06:40by trying to get people to stop having their things wrapped.
06:44Nevertheless, in this country,
06:45each year we use 227,000 miles of wrapping paper.
06:51Oh, good little murmur there.
06:53LAUGHTER
06:53It's enough wrapping paper to go round the earth nine times.
06:57The amount of card used in Christmas cards every year
07:00could stretch between London and Lapland over 100 times.
07:03I mean, it's a lot of paper that we...
07:04Yeah, well...
07:05And most of it can't be recycled.
07:07No.
07:07I don't know what...
07:08With the Christmas card thing,
07:09I don't know what the etiquette's meant to be.
07:10I'm the same with birthday cards.
07:11How long are you meant to keep it?
07:13Are you meant to read it and pop it straight in the bin, or...?
07:15LAUGHTER
07:16I like the ones where people have done the photo themselves.
07:18And I love a round robin.
07:19Oh, a round robin.
07:21We were very pleased that the footings
07:22for the conservatory have gone in.
07:24Wow!
07:24LAUGHTER
07:30My uncle is a proper tight prick, yeah?
07:38I swear down, one day on my birthday, I got a card,
07:41and I'd opened it, and he tip-exed out happy Christmas
07:44and put happy birthday.
07:46And there was a robin on the front.
07:48I was like, we're Muslim, for God's sake!
07:50What are you doing?
07:52I quite like that.
07:53I like to go and buy, like, a happy retirement card
07:55for a sixth birthday.
07:57LAUGHTER
07:58My gran would do that.
08:00She would get a card and tear it in half.
08:03Yeah.
08:04And give you the picture bit just written on the back.
08:06LAUGHTER
08:07And claimed that it was because during the war
08:09you had to be frugal.
08:11Right.
08:11I said it's 1976, gran.
08:13LAUGHTER
08:14But why can't you recycle most Christmas cards?
08:16Tinsel?
08:17Yeah, it's all the glitter and all the extra bits and pieces.
08:20There's metallic materials, shiny laminates,
08:22and that kind of thing, so...
08:23Do you know there's a trend happening at the minute, yeah?
08:26Probably not.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:28What women are doing, and girls, are, like, spraying their cells of glitter.
08:32Yeah.
08:32And then if your man's cheating, you'll find glitter on him,
08:36and then you know it's not you and you know he's cheating,
08:37and then you bust his arse up.
08:40Wow.
08:40So you're spraying yourself in glitter,
08:42and then if he's cheating, you'll know?
08:43She'll know.
08:44The other woman will know.
08:45Oh.
08:46Does it not cause chafing?
08:49LAUGHTER
08:50I don't think that's the main worry, Julie.
08:52LAUGHTER
08:53Right, that's Christmas wrapping all tied up with a bow.
08:57But I do have presents for all of you as well.
08:59If you would look underneath your desks, please.
09:02I've gone with a sort of theme of wellness with these.
09:06So, Alan, why don't we start with you?
09:09It's easy to undo, you see?
09:11I know, yep.
09:11Easy to undo.
09:12Nice bit of ribbon.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:14There we go.
09:15Beads.
09:16Yeah, so, why might you give beads to somebody?
09:21Because...
09:22LAUGHTER
09:23Because you don't really like them?
09:26LAUGHTER
09:27Because you're obligated because you work with them
09:31and you have to think of something?
09:32Because these were at the back of your drawer.
09:34So, what I can tell you is that all of your gifts
09:36are from early Christmas adverts,
09:39so yours was first advertised in 1728,
09:42and it's called an anodyne necklace.
09:44Actually, this advert for it is from 1756,
09:47a little tiny bit later on.
09:48So, this is the weirdest thing.
09:50These necklaces contained a poisonous plant called henbane.
09:54It was also known as stinking nightshave.
09:57LAUGHTER
09:58It was meant to help children with teething pain.
10:00At this time, one in three children in England
10:04would not expect to reach their fifth birthday,
10:07and teething pain was seen as a sort of sign
10:09of something much more serious and possibly something fatal.
10:11So, they claimed that if you wore one of these anodyne necklaces,
10:14curative substances would flow from it into the skin,
10:17up into the mouth and so on.
10:18You didn't have to chew on it, which was just as well,
10:21because it is actually a poison.
10:23But it did seem to work,
10:26even though there's no medical reason for it.
10:28Why do you think it might have worked?
10:30They were quite expensive.
10:32There's five shillings, for one.
10:34It's one of those things where you tell people
10:35it's going to be good for you and then it works.
10:38I think it is partly that, Julian,
10:39but also it is the fact that infant mortality rates
10:42were lower amongst rich people,
10:44and it was only rich people...
10:45LAUGHTER
10:46..who were able to buy them.
10:48We used to give the kids bicky pegs.
10:51What, for the teething?
10:52For the teething, and then I don't know what it was.
10:54And then...
10:55And it would sort of gradually get smaller and smaller,
10:58like a dog biscuit, like a good dog biscuit that lasts.
11:01Yeah.
11:01Sounds like you're giving the kids dog biscuits.
11:04Yeah.
11:07I know what you're talking about.
11:08It's like cork, innit?
11:10That's a good idea, though.
11:11Have a bottle of wine and give the children the cork.
11:13Give the children the cork.
11:15But rich people like Augusta, Princess of Wales,
11:17her daughter, Queen Caroline of Denmark and Norway,
11:20who's the one on the left there,
11:21in very small quantities,
11:23this particular thing, henbane, that was in it,
11:25it is a mild sedative.
11:27If you have more than three grams,
11:28it can cause constipation.
11:30Manic episodes, hallucinations and possible death.
11:33Is this a replica, or...?
11:35Yes, darling.
11:36We also didn't want to kill Alan.
11:38I mean, today.
11:39Not till the Zed series.
11:42Don't miss that episode.
11:45We are going to need a big finish, so...
11:47Yeah.
11:48Right, Julian, do you want to open yours, darling?
11:50Ah, have you pushed the boat out?
11:53This is from a Christmas ad from 1825.
11:57Oh.
11:58What is it?
11:59It's macassar oil.
12:01So, do you know about macassar oil?
12:03Oh, I'm sure you're going to tell me.
12:06Have you heard of anti-macassars, darling?
12:08Anti-macassar, yes.
12:09What does that mean?
12:10It was a sort of a piece of cloth that sat on the back of the train...
12:14Oh, I thought it was a band from Camden Town.
12:16It's a quite a good name for a band, isn't it?
12:18It doesn't smell.
12:19Is that because you would have had oily...
12:21Yeah.
12:21..people wouldn't wash their hair?
12:22It's to stop the oil from the back of your head going onto the train seat,
12:26and it's called an anti-macassar.
12:27Macassar oil comes originally from the ebony trees in Indonesia,
12:31but this was a much cheaper blend of vegetable oils,
12:33palm oils and coconuts.
12:34It's the 19th century equivalent of hair gel.
12:37Pure grease is undoubtedly the best nourisher of the hair.
12:41Yeah.
12:42It's supposed to be very, very good for you.
12:43I'm going to tell my daughter that.
12:45Good luck.
12:46Do you want to apply some?
12:49Yes.
12:49Go on, then.
12:50Open your hand.
12:52At times I've said that.
12:56Now, there you are.
12:57But you have to follow it by saying, here's some oil.
13:00Right, go on, then.
13:01It's a lovely colour.
13:03What is the...
13:04You've got to run your fingers through.
13:06You've got to do that.
13:07The thing is, Stanley, what will happen if I do that is,
13:09we'll stop the show and the make-up department will come on.
13:12Really fucked off.
13:18You know those people.
13:20Can you imagine the language back there now?
13:21They're watching on the monitor.
13:23Don't you dare put your fingers through that hair.
13:25Don't touch your hair.
13:26Don't touch your hair.
13:26Yeah.
13:36Oh, it's whiffy.
13:37Does it smell nice?
13:38I thought you said it didn't smell.
13:39Well, I lied.
13:42That's an exchange you've had before.
13:45I'm quite...
13:46LAUGHTER
13:47Right, Jimmy, come on, let's just see what you've got.
13:50You were five minutes in and you've lubed him up.
13:53LAUGHTER
13:54OK, you've not pushed the boat out here.
13:56So this, again, this is something from the past, 1857.
14:00Well, that's some pills of some description.
14:03OK, so these are from Mr Page Woodcock of Lincoln.
14:08So there were two Christmas adverts for wind pills to treat indigestion.
14:13To cure wind or to give you more?
14:15Well, so it depended which advert that you had a look at.
14:17So the very first advert claimed that the pills would conjure happy festive memories.
14:22So this is the Christmas advert.
14:23The second was the Boxing Day advert, which was inspired by A Christmas Carol.
14:27And it said the pills would cure people haunted by the Christmas ghost of indigestion.
14:32So, if you took them on Christmas Day, made you happy.
14:35If you took them on Boxing Day, got rid of indigestion.
14:38Those are your basic happy pills that we've given you.
14:41Lovely.
14:41Yeah.
14:42Should we smash them up and do a line?
14:46I'm very concerned about those two children in the hot air balloon sent off unaccompanied.
14:52Well, not just that, not dressed.
14:54Are they the ones with the wind? Is that what we think?
14:57You can still get wind pills, they're called Windies.
14:59Yes, you can get them.
15:00And I actually promise you that my wife did buy me some for Christmas.
15:02Christmas fun, which really, really amused the children.
15:06And I said, stop listening at the door, go to another room.
15:09Did it work?
15:12I haven't tried them, actually.
15:14Could you?
15:15I should, yeah.
15:17I really should.
15:18Right, Fatia, come on.
15:19Yes.
15:20Mine's the biggest one here.
15:221830s, this one.
15:23This better not be like a gym or some shit like that, yeah?
15:26Oh, no, no, we don't do fitness, you're fine.
15:28Cos I'll go mad, I think.
15:32LAUGHTER
15:33APPLAUSE
15:36LAUGHTER
15:37LAUGHTER
15:38APPLAUSE
15:39Merry Christmas!
15:42LAUGHTER
15:43LAUGHTER
15:44Can you imagine?
15:47If I should do that, should I do a rental service?
15:49Yeah.
15:49You can rent me, I'll hide in your toilet,
15:51and then you'll come and I'll go, Merry Christmas!
15:53LAUGHTER
15:54A Christmas advert for a toilet appeared in several publications in the 1830s.
15:59There was a man called Robert Wiss, there it is,
16:01and he said it was the perfect gift for Christmas and New Year's.
16:05It's a portable, self-acting water closet.
16:09So it's a kind of commode, they used to be known as thunderboxes.
16:12Because Alan used to go in there.
16:14Ah, well...
16:14LAUGHTER
16:15So it looks like a cabinet from the outside,
16:17and then when you open it up, it's got a commode on the inside,
16:19a chamber pot.
16:20That is the worst James Bond gadget.
16:22LAUGHTER
16:23What did they do before?
16:25Just had a sort of a bowl under the bed, you know, a pot.
16:28But this had a cistern with stored water,
16:30and you could actually flush the waste out of the pot,
16:33and it went into a concealed, hidden bucket,
16:34which was then emptied by the staff.
16:37Oh, discreet.
16:38Yes, exactly, exactly.
16:39I mean, you say discreet, portable,
16:41so presumably people would see you in the high street with it.
16:44LAUGHTER
16:44What's he doing with that cupboard?
16:47He seems to be shitting in it.
16:48LAUGHTER
16:50During lockdown, because I like to go for a really long walk,
16:52I bought a portable toilet tent,
16:55and it was like a big...
16:56LAUGHTER
16:58I did.
16:59You didn't do that.
17:00I did. I did.
17:01It goes completely over you.
17:03Well, no, what it was, was it was a pop-up thing.
17:06It was a flat circle,
17:07and you just popped it and popped up,
17:08like the size of a telephone booth.
17:10And I thought this was marvellous.
17:11And then you went in...
17:12You have to sing when you're in there in case someone comes along.
17:15Well, darling, it was great,
17:16apart from when it blew over outside...
17:18LAUGHTER
17:20Outside the Tower of London.
17:22LAUGHTER
17:23You come across a tent wandering round,
17:28always have a little look inside,
17:29because it could be Sandy Toxford, technician.
17:31LAUGHTER
17:32OK, presents away, please.
17:35What's most dangerous?
17:37A lion, a witch, or a wardrobe?
17:42Definitely a witch.
17:43BIRDS CHIRPING
17:44BIRDS CHIRPING
17:45BIRDS CHIRPING
17:46BIRDS CHIRPING
17:47Would a lion be scared of a witch, though?
17:50You could reason with a lion.
17:54LAUGHTER
17:55I'd so enjoy that.
17:57That's a show we'd all watch, I think.
17:58LAUGHTER
17:59Hi, welcome to reason with a lion.
18:02LAUGHTER
18:02And the witch, if she's in a good mood,
18:06you could get away with it.
18:08But if a wardrobe fell on you,
18:10then you'd be in trouble.
18:11And that is the correct answer, my darling.
18:13Absolutely right.
18:14APPLAUSE
18:15So, the wonderful book,
18:19The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, by...
18:21C.S. Lewis.
18:22C.S. Lewis, dedicated to Lucy Barfield.
18:24And Maud, Lucy's mother, was extremely worried
18:27that children would go looking for Narnia
18:29and get stuck inside a wardrobe.
18:31So he had to put some extra lines of text in,
18:33and every time, you'll notice in the book,
18:34somebody goes through the wardrobe,
18:36he says, they took care to leave the door ajar.
18:38And C.S. Lewis does say it's a very silly thing
18:40to lock oneself in a wardrobe.
18:41But apparently, we are facing an accident crisis.
18:44Britain loses ten times more working days
18:46to domestic accidents than we do to strikes.
18:48So, driving accidents have significantly decreased
18:52in the past 20 years,
18:53but pretty much all other accidents have increased.
18:57Falls are by far the biggest culprit.
18:59Why do you think we might be having more and more falls?
19:02Because there's more stairs?
19:04Oh, I like that.
19:05We've had a tremendous increase in stairs.
19:07Yes.
19:08Well, if I have an accident, it's likely to be on the stairs,
19:12or sometimes I open the fridge door and hit myself on the head.
19:18This is going to be the worst ever episode of Miss Marple.
19:21Well, I...
19:21It's the ageing population.
19:24Oh, it's the old people.
19:25And there's that terrible fact about if you break a hip as well,
19:28you're better off having stage four cancer than a broken hip.
19:31Really?
19:32Why?
19:32It's in Peter Attia's book on longevity.
19:35If you break a hip, it's very, very bad news.
19:37Why are you reading books on longevity now?
19:39I've had a lot of work done.
19:43My face is like Trigger's broom.
19:47There we learned the original still there.
19:49In 2016, so this is according to the National Accident Helpline,
19:54one in 75 people surveyed had been injured while shopping in a sales rush.
19:59One in 50 people reported falling out of the loft while retrieving Christmas decorations.
20:04One in 90 people had suffered burns while roasting chestnuts on an open fire.
20:09One in 50 had fallen out of the loft?
20:12Yeah, I know.
20:12It seems an extraordinarily high number.
20:15Yeah.
20:15What do you think is the gift in recent years that's caused the most accidents?
20:18Knives.
20:21I bought you a very sharp knife.
20:24Sandwich maker.
20:25Yes, you could trap your finger in the thing.
20:28E-scooters.
20:29He's exactly right, darling.
20:30My nephew's nearly died.
20:33He cut the back of his ankle and he cut an artery.
20:36What?
20:36And then, yeah, he nearly died.
20:38Foolish boy!
20:40I mean, 416 people seriously injured in 2023 and 965 slightly injured.
20:47338 fires.
20:48Still a lot more people falling out of the loft, though, isn't it?
20:52What's the worst or most embarrassing accident anybody here has ever had?
20:56Oh, you're counting soiling yourself.
20:59I mean, we are now.
21:04I've got a soiling myself story, if you'd like to...
21:06Go for it, darling.
21:08Well, I've told this story before.
21:10I think last time I was on this show, but...
21:12It's so long ago, darling.
21:14No, I mean...
21:14It's in colour now.
21:15Anyway...
21:16LAUGHTER
21:17But no, beat this.
21:20I once...
21:21I once chapped myself while meeting the Queen.
21:26LAUGHTER
21:27It was a Royal Variety show.
21:34Yeah.
21:34And you had to queue up and, you know, she came and shakes your hand.
21:39And I don't know if it was nerves or I'd had a bit of trouble.
21:42I can't remember.
21:44But it was only a little pellet.
21:47LAUGHTER
21:48But that's a true story.
21:51LAUGHTER
21:51Let's hear you're soiling yourself.
21:54LAUGHTER
21:55I can remember doing a little pellet as a child, and it came out of my trouser leg.
22:03LAUGHTER
22:04Is that what happened to you?
22:05Yes.
22:06LAUGHTER
22:07It's shot across the stage...
22:09LAUGHTER
22:10..in the general direction of Claire Sweeney.
22:13LAUGHTER
22:14This story's got everything.
22:16LAUGHTER
22:17I've got a poo story, so...
22:19Go on, then.
22:20I was going to tell a story about shaving.
22:22OK.
22:23And now you...
22:24Are you going to go with the poo?
22:25Yeah, I want to go with the poo.
22:26Shaving the poo line.
22:27That's actually fine.
22:28Can I just say to me, I don't have a poo story.
22:29This will be the last one.
22:30LAUGHTER
22:31Oh, I cut my scrotum with...
22:33LAUGHTER
22:35Is this at the Royal Variety performance?
22:36LAUGHTER
22:37Shaking hands with the Queen and trying to shave my balls at the same time.
22:38LAUGHTER
22:39You know how that goes.
22:40I was alone.
22:41Sure.
22:42I used to do a podcast, and there was a company that...
22:43There were lots and lots of podcasts about football, nearly all by boys, and mostly listened to by boys.
23:00Anyway, they started sending these shaving kits around, giving the show up.
23:04Giving the shaving kits for shaving your undercarriage with.
23:07And we were all sort of in the 40s and 50s.
23:10I thought, what?
23:11People are doing what now?
23:13Anyway, I tried it and I cut myself on the stride.
23:16LAUGHTER
23:17I thought, this shouldn't be possible.
23:19It's got all this kind of protective thing on it, but I got a little bit carried away.
23:24And that is the most embarrassing accident.
23:27And now you've made me say it at the Christmas show.
23:30LAUGHTER
23:34I'll tell you where you went wrong.
23:35You need to stretch the skin.
23:37That's what it is.
23:38You just went like this because you're lazy.
23:40But you need to stretch the skin.
23:41Trust me, I know I'm Arab.
23:42I know about hair.
23:44LAUGHTER
23:45Thank you so much for doing mine.
23:47LAUGHTER
23:48I had a room in that bathroom to get that smooth.
23:51LAUGHTER
23:53You'd need two people, like, if you were folding a sheet.
23:59LAUGHTER
24:01I can't believe I'm stopping this fascinating conversation.
24:13Can you hear yours about poo?
24:15So, yeah, I was, like, seven or something.
24:17And then we went on a school trip to a farm.
24:19And I wanted to do a poo, but the teacher goes,
24:21go on your own to the toilet.
24:22And I was like, no.
24:23So I just shit in my pants.
24:25And then, like, I sat in here and I had it in my pants all day.
24:28And all the kids, shut up!
24:30LAUGHTER
24:32I wouldn't mess with them.
24:34All the kids were like, oh, there's a...
24:36We can smell poo.
24:37And I was like, oh, yeah, I wonder who it is.
24:39Maybe it's the stinky kid.
24:40And when I got home, my mum put me in the bath
24:42and it was stuck to my skin.
24:44She had to soak me and then put it off with a butter knife.
24:47Merry Christmas, everyone.
24:48LAUGHTER
24:49Merry Christmas.
24:50Once went on a coach trip...
24:51Oh, please don't.
24:52LAUGHTER
24:53And the driver was a huge man, really, really big man.
24:59And he pulled over on a hard shoulder and he got out of his cab
25:01and he made his way down the aisle.
25:04We thought, what's going on?
25:06And he went down the stairs into the loo.
25:08And eventually, he re-emerged and he said,
25:12no-one can use the toilet, it's full.
25:15LAUGHTER
25:17Anybody in the audience want to talk about...?
25:24LAUGHTER
25:27Now, I've got everybody a bowl of Christmas walnuts.
25:30Can anybody open...?
25:32You know there's that thing where you crush two in your hand
25:34and you...
25:35Oh, I've just done it!
25:36LAUGHTER
25:37Oh!
25:38I don't know me own strength!
25:39LAUGHTER
25:40APPLAUSE
25:41I'm so excited.
25:44There is a sort of straight and look of it, isn't there?
25:46It really is.
25:47OK.
25:48It really is.
25:49So...
25:50I love it.
25:51Yeah, I know the trick.
25:52So what you do is you put one there and then put the other one
25:54next to it and then you just go like that.
25:57And then it opens.
25:58Has it happened?
25:59Yeah.
26:00It will, just...
26:01What do you mean it will?
26:02So it hasn't?
26:03It will...
26:04Stop flirting with me.
26:06OK.
26:07I can't believe I've got to sit next to the stinky kid.
26:10LAUGHTER
26:16The stinky kid is a bit like the Patsy.
26:18If you don't know who the stinky kid is, it's you.
26:21So...
26:22I've done it, by the way, look.
26:23Congratulations.
26:24Yeah, it's a mess but I've done it.
26:26LAUGHTER
26:27Now, why is it so hard to find a walnut's anus?
26:32What have I just eaten?
26:34LAUGHTER
26:35Are they heterosexual?
26:37Walnuts.
26:38It depends what kind of walnut we're talking about.
26:41I'm looking at the walnut but this is not the kind of walnut, is it?
26:44No, you've done this game before, haven't you?
26:46LAUGHTER
26:47Different kind of walnuts, the ones in front of us.
26:50The walnut bird.
26:51Walnut snake.
26:53Walnut beetle.
26:54Walnut beetle.
26:55Walnut fish.
26:56Walnut whip.
26:57Walnut whip.
26:58Walnut whip.
26:59It is a creature in the sea and they are called sea walnuts.
27:06Look at this.
27:07It is so beautiful.
27:08I love those see-through ones.
27:09They're also called wartycomb jellies.
27:11It's not a jellyfish.
27:12It's a bit like a jellyfish.
27:13That's not a jellyfish?
27:14No.
27:15Yeah.
27:16I'm not sure who you're talking to.
27:17LAUGHTER
27:18But that, my friend, is a jellyfish.
27:20So why isn't it a jellyfish?
27:21I'm telling you...
27:22No, I'm telling you it is.
27:23No.
27:24Well, the reason that we know it isn't is because it does have an anus.
27:29So if it was a jellyfish, it wouldn't.
27:31But what is extraordinary about them is that these are transient anuses.
27:36What do we think that means?
27:37It moves round.
27:38Well, it's only there for a very short time.
27:41They only create one on a temporary basis when they need to poo.
27:46So when it needs to go, the digestive system fuses with its skin to form an opening,
27:51it does a poo, and the opening then closes in a matter of minutes,
27:54and they do this about once an hour, unless they're a very, very young one,
27:57in which case it's about every ten minutes.
27:59So it is a jellyfish most of the time?
28:01No, it isn't.
28:02LAUGHTER
28:03You're saying once an hour, it isn't a jellyfish briefly.
28:08I wonder why they do that, though.
28:09What's in it for them?
28:11What, to do it?
28:12Not to have a permanent arsehole.
28:14I think it's that they're not so vulnerable, darling.
28:16I think it's that.
28:17It's basically, you know, it's an exit for them and an entrance for others.
28:20Well, tell me about it.
28:27When you think about it, though, it would be practical if you're on,
28:29I don't know, let's say a school trip, perhaps.
28:32LAUGHTER
28:33Just create an arsehole and then gone again.
28:35Yeah.
28:36Just to not have one the whole time.
28:37Yeah.
28:38Because, you know, accidents happen.
28:40LAUGHTER
28:41A long walk to the toilet, maybe I'll just shit myself.
28:43What?
28:44LAUGHTER
28:45Jellyfish don't have anuses, they expel their waste through the mouth.
28:48So it's the difference between the two.
28:50How do you know it's its mouth?
28:51What's it saying?
28:52LAUGHTER
28:53I mean, I think people have studied this.
28:55There's a fantastic...
28:56LAUGHTER
28:57There's an amazing American zoologist called Libby Hyman
28:59and it was because she noticed that these particular creatures,
29:02the sea walnuts, have these transient anuses.
29:04What?
29:05She realised that they were not the same as jellyfish.
29:07I don't even think that's a real person. Libby Hyman?
29:09Libby Hyman?
29:10LAUGHTER
29:11Have you?
29:12Still intact, but you horse-ride.
29:13LAUGHTER
29:14Now, this picture is a wassail box.
29:17It's a traditional Christmas item.
29:19You would have to pay to look inside.
29:21What will you give me to look inside?
29:23A penny?
29:24A penny?
29:25I like the idea.
29:26A penny for the guy?
29:27A penny would be fine.
29:28There was a Christmas tradition called the wassail, but where?
29:29Where?
29:30Yes, Yorkshire was very common.
29:31Newcastle, isn't it?
29:32Wassail box.
29:33Well, it's actually Scandinavian thing.
29:34So you would ask for some money and then you would show what's inside.
29:35What do you think is in the box that they're going to show?
29:37It's a music box.
29:38No, it's a wassail box.
29:39No, it's a wassail box.
29:40It's a wassail box.
29:41It's a wassail box.
29:42It's a traditional Christmas item.
29:43You would have to pay to look inside.
29:44You would have to pay to look inside.
29:45What will you give me to look inside?
29:46A penny?
29:47A penny?
29:48A penny, I like the idea.
29:49A penny?
29:50A penny, I like the idea.
29:58Let's have a look on the picture.
29:59This was the Christmas tradition.
30:01June Whitfield.
30:06It's in the kids' version.
30:08Two tiny dolls representing the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus.
30:11And that's not the real Virgin Mary and baby Jesus?
30:14Yes.
30:15This is the real Virgin...
30:17Smaller than you'd think.
30:19Do you think people were smaller?
30:22Because my children are really getting really big.
30:29My daughter's taller than nearly all of us.
30:33So, if you really went backwards through time,
30:37with people getting a little bit smaller,
30:39a little bit smaller, a little bit smaller,
30:40that probably is how big Virgin Mary was.
30:43LAUGHTER
30:44And I ask...
30:45You know, if you open it...
30:46Are you going to ask why Alan doesn't sit in this chair?
30:51LAUGHTER
30:52Now, I was going to say, he's hot today, isn't it?
30:55LAUGHTER
30:56This tradition...
30:57We don't know how old it is, maybe 18th, 19th century,
30:59but it has carried on.
31:00Except in America, I don't think they've really got the hang of it,
31:02because sometimes when people do it,
31:04they open the box and inside is Ken and Barbie.
31:07LAUGHTER
31:08The one in the middle there is from the distant past
31:10when people were smaller.
31:12LAUGHTER
31:14I'd say you're from the 1400s.
31:20LAUGHTER
31:22This is adult wassailing.
31:24You would go door to door and you would sing
31:26and you would offer alcoholic drinks from a wassail bowl.
31:28That's what she's holding there in return for gifts.
31:31She's saying, we are Bananarama.
31:33LAUGHTER
31:35I don't think I'd like some random man knocking on the door
31:38asking for money to look in the box.
31:41No!
31:42You'd like to look in my box.
31:44LAUGHTER
31:45OK, moving along.
31:46Erm...
31:47Why did Oliver Cromwell ban Christmas?
31:50Don't tell anyone.
31:52Right, but he was a Muslim.
31:54LAUGHTER
31:55APPLAUSE
32:04Damn you!
32:06LAUGHTER
32:07Anybody else?
32:08Erm...
32:09Oh, I thought I was going to think of something.
32:11LAUGHTER
32:12Nothing came out.
32:15Imagine you're meeting the Queen.
32:17Yeah.
32:18LAUGHTER
32:19What's he doing there?
32:22He feels like he's signalling to someone holding his ear.
32:24So the answer is that he didn't ban Christmas.
32:27Yeah, no, a while.
32:28You might want to check again because, yeah, he did.
32:30No, it's a Christmas myth.
32:32Truth is, he actually quite liked a party.
32:34He enjoyed smoking and drinking.
32:36Scandalously, he allowed dancing at his daughter's wedding.
32:39So he wasn't anti-party.
32:41The Christmas ban started with the Scottish Presbyterians,
32:44so they had been discouraging Christmas celebrations for years,
32:47since 1583, and the Puritans needed the Scottish support.
32:50So it's his party that were trying to keep the Scots calm,
32:55and it wasn't Cromwell himself who thought,
32:57let's get rid of Christmas.
32:58There are parts of the country where they didn't pay any attention
33:00at all, so Devon and Cornwall, for example, they just carried on.
33:03They probably hadn't heard about it.
33:05When do you think Christmas Day became a holiday in Scotland?
33:08I'll give you ten points if you're within the right decade.
33:101974.
33:12Not far.
33:13What?
33:1464.
33:1559.
33:16You win.
33:1758.
33:18Yes, absolutely.
33:20So it wasn't a holiday in Scotland?
33:22It wasn't a holiday until 1958.
33:23Until 1958?
33:24Yeah.
33:25Mm-hm.
33:30Anyway, moving on.
33:31Why were Christmas Day weddings so popular in the past?
33:35Snow.
33:37Is it one of those things where, like,
33:39if you have your wedding on Christmas,
33:41you can't forget your anniversary?
33:45Do you forget yours?
33:46Do you forget your anniversary?
33:48Yeah.
33:49Yeah.
33:50But if you get married at Christmas,
33:51it feels like that or Valentine's, you go,
33:53it's also one gift.
33:54Yeah.
33:55Great.
33:56May I ask?
33:57Are you married?
33:58No, no, no.
33:59We're just friends.
34:00I mean, we're getting on great.
34:03Yeah.
34:04I've been married and divorced twice
34:05because I don't learn the first time.
34:07Third time lucky, is that what we're saying?
34:09No, I'm sick of these people.
34:11LAUGHTER
34:12That was not either of her husbands.
34:14LAUGHTER
34:15It would be amazing if I turned out to be both.
34:17LAUGHTER
34:18I've married her twice, I'm a master of disguise.
34:20LAUGHTER
34:21I'm Moroccan and we have a sandwich,
34:22if it rains on your wedding day,
34:23then it means it's going to turn out bad.
34:25And that's why it rained on both my weddings.
34:26In...in Morocco?
34:27Yeah.
34:28Not famous for its rain, is it?
34:29LAUGHTER
34:30Julian, are you married, don't you?
34:31Yes.
34:32My husband slipped his finger into my ring.
34:33LAUGHTER
34:34Eight years ago now.
34:35Congratulations.
34:36But anyway, getting back to the question.
34:37Yes.
34:38Why get married on Christmas Day?
34:39Everyone's got the day off.
34:40Unless they've got it.
34:41Because it's...
34:42Is the correct answer.
34:43Ah!
34:44I was about to say that.
34:45I'm so sorry.
34:46LAUGHTER
34:47That's it.
34:48Well, pretend he hasn't said it.
34:49What were you going to say, Julian?
34:50No, don't patronise it.
34:51Yes.
34:52Yes.
34:53My husband slipped his finger into my ring.
34:54LAUGHTER
34:55About eight years ago now.
34:56Congratulations.
34:57Aww.
34:58But anyway, getting back to the question.
34:59Yes.
35:00Why get married on Christmas Day?
35:01Everyone's got the day off.
35:02Unless they've got it.
35:03Because it's...
35:04Is the correct answer.
35:05Ah!
35:06I was about to say that.
35:07I'm so sorry.
35:08I'm sorry.
35:09Don't patronise me.
35:10LAUGHTER
35:16It's because they didn't have many days off.
35:18Yeah.
35:19So Christmas Day was off.
35:20What better day?
35:21Exactly right.
35:22Christmas Day and Boxing Day were the sort of days that you...
35:24Very clever boys, Julian.
35:25Yes, you are.
35:27Yes, you are a clever boy.
35:29So it was a very popular time.
35:31In fact, churches would give discounted rates
35:33if multiple couples got married at the same time.
35:35This is a picture at St George Church in London in 1920.
35:38She's got stars on her head.
35:40The third one from the left.
35:41Why has she got two stars?
35:43Oh, yeah.
35:44A trip advisor.
35:45They made their own.
35:46LAUGHTER
35:47It's a trip advisor thing.
35:48She's not great.
35:49LAUGHTER
35:51In 1913, the Guardian reported that Church and Stepney had married 25 couples all on the same day.
35:57Mmm.
35:58Now, it's almost time for the bum note that we call General Ignorance, but this year I have some friends to help me with the questions.
36:04Please welcome the QI choir under the direction of John Riddell. Take it away!
36:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:12AND APPLAUSE
36:14AND APPLAUSE
36:15AND APPLAUSE
36:16AND APPLAUSE
36:17AND APPLAUSE
36:18AND APPLAUSE
36:19AND APPLAUSE
36:20AND APPLAUSE
36:21AND APPLAUSE
36:22LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
36:52composed for...
36:54Oh. Yes, Julian.
36:56Easter.
36:58Is it the John Lewis Christmas ad?
37:01Home Alone When The Thieves Breaking In.
37:03Well, that is true.
37:05It is in Home Alone. Yes!
37:07But that's not what it was composed for.
37:09It's after Christmas. What comes after Christmas?
37:11Twelfth Night, Boxing Day, Easter.
37:15Summer holidays. Mother's Day.
37:17New Year. Yes!
37:19Yes, Alan, it's New Year's, exactly right.
37:23What do we call this tune?
37:25Does anyone in the audience know this?
37:27Carol of the Bells is exactly right,
37:29but it was originally a Ukrainian folk song for New Year's Eve.
37:33It was called Shedrak, which means bountiful evening.
37:36So the lyrics have nothing to do with bells, nothing to do with Christmas.
37:39It's actually about a swallow visiting a home
37:41and delivering luck for the New Year.
37:43The very first modern arrangement was 1919.
37:46There was an Ukrainian composer called Mikolai Leontovich
37:49and then a Ukrainian-American called Peter Wilhouski.
37:52He rearranged it and added the English lyrics
37:54and renamed it Carol of the Bells in 1922.
37:56But it has always been associated with Christmas ever since.
37:59Let's have another tune.
38:00Who sang this song in the 1982 animated film The Snowman?
38:05We're walking in the air
38:12We're floating in the moon, it's sky
38:17Julian's off. Who was it?
38:19Allie Jones.
38:20No!
38:22It was written by Howard Blake specifically for the film,
38:26but it was actually sung by a choir boy named Peter Orte.
38:30There he is, he's now a professional operatic tenor,
38:33but he didn't get any credit in the film
38:35because they forgot to put his name on.
38:371985, the song was used in an advert for Toys R Us
38:40and it had to be re-recorded, but this guy, Peter Orte's voice,
38:43had already broken.
38:44And so a new version was sung by Alan Jones and that was released
38:47and became a huge hit and that is why we think Alan Jones sang it
38:50in the film, but it isn't actually him.
38:54Here's another song that was originally written for New Year,
38:57but what is the first line?
39:01La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,
39:04la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,
39:06la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,
39:12What are you going to say?
39:14La-la-la-la-la-la-la.
39:16La la la la la la la la la la.
39:20APPLAUSE
39:23Do you know about it?
39:27Is it Deck the Halls with something and Holly?
39:30Deck the Halls with... No!
39:32No! No!
39:33You're bowed with Holly. I know.
39:35I didn't say bow, so I don't know why you buzzed me.
39:38Is it Tis the Season to be Johnny?
39:41I think it's...
39:43I think it's Ant and Deck with Phil and Holly.
39:47So, I asked for the original lyrics,
39:50and it's an old Welsh tune called Nosgallen or New Year.
39:53The oldest version of the lyrics are translated into English as this.
39:58Oh, how are they one thousand?
40:00Ba-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
40:03Ooh, how sweet the grove in blossom?
40:05Ba-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
40:08Ooh, how festive are the pieces?
40:10Ba-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
40:12Ba-la-la-la-la-la!
40:13Who's the grove in future kisses?
40:15Ba-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
40:19Oh, I like that.
40:25Oh, how soft my fair one's bosom.
40:27Absolute filth.
40:29Finally, have a listen to this.
40:32Now who wrote it and what instrument is performing the lead melody
40:44So the nutcracker, it is the nutcracker. You're absolutely right
40:47Tchaikovsky Tchaikovsky is very good and the oboe. It's not an oboe
40:51Harpsichord it were nearer with the harpsichord triangle
41:02It's the dance of the sugarplum fairy Tchaikovsky's the nutcracker. It's played on a celesta
41:09There it is a celesta if you lift that up you can take a shit in it
41:19If you lift it up sandy toxfixes
41:24I'm busy. A celesta comes from the french word for heavenly so it looks like a piano
41:28But when you press the keys hammers hit metal plates with wooden resonators underneath it gives it a sort of soft
41:34Almost like a triangle
41:36It was invented in 1886 by a parisian organ maker charles victor mustel and his son august and tchaikovsky ordered one immediately
41:43Does anybody know what a sugar plum is it's the dance of the sugar plum fairy?
41:48Isn't it a thing that hangs off a tree
41:51Christmas tree that you can eat. Yes, it's exactly right. It's kind of sweet. It's what's called a comfit
41:55It's a seed a nut or a berry which has got layers of hard sugar and I will give 10 points to anybody
42:02Who can tell me where we saw sugar plums at the beginning of the show?
42:07Oh now they were mentioned on one of the adverts
42:11That came up earlier. You're exactly right. It was for your anodyne necklace. Yeah, you get 10 points. Very very very well done
42:18um
42:25At the top of the advert it says sugar plums for worms and it was thought to be a cure for intestinal worms
42:31It was widely believed they might kill the tooth worms as well that caused toothache. So well spotted darling
42:37Yeah, I read it all. No, I love that you've actually remembered something
42:43Now it's time to look at our scores. Let's see who's top of the nice list and who's on thin ice. Pretty sure I nailed this
42:51Joy to the world in first place with 16 points. It's alan
42:55Don't worry ski happy in second place with minus nine. It's julian
43:13Nobody's perfect in third place with minus 27 fatia
43:17And in last place a lost claws at minus 29 jimmy
43:36So it's a big thank you to fatia jimmy julian and alan and a very merry christmas from all of us
43:41Uh, let's all go and join the choir and sing off you go people
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