- 2 days ago
QI XL S23E06 Wooing
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Music
00:30Good evening and welcome to QI, where tonight we've gone a bit woo-woo because it's all about woo-ing.
00:40Let's meet our star-crossed lovers, the love-lorn Rosie Jones.
00:47The lovesick Maisie Adam.
00:52The love-struck Larry Dean.
00:55And your love-a-duck, it's Alan Davis.
01:06And in case their woo-ing goes well, here are their wedding marches.
01:10Rosie goes.
01:18Maisie goes.
01:25Is that going to turn you on?
01:29No, I think by the time you're getting married, that's all behind you.
01:33Larry goes.
01:39And Alan goes.
01:40And Alan goes.
01:53Oh, I like that. Now then, my lovebirds. Let's start with the first point of contact. How would you set about woo-ing your partner?
02:03Preen up.
02:05Preen up.
02:09I am currently single.
02:16I know.
02:19I know.
02:21I'm beautiful and funny and clever and very rich.
02:27So I'm not using QI as a dating service.
02:38Then I'm very single.
02:42As I've said, extremely rich.
02:48Cold mood.
02:50APPLAUSE
02:57I don't think so, to be fair.
02:59I always get told advice from people of what to do.
03:02Like, negging is the one, apparently.
03:04What?
03:06So, basically, negging is when somebody will pick on the insecurities of another person and it makes them doubt themselves and it makes them determined to try and please them.
03:15It's not a nice thing to do, but 95% of the time, it works when they do it to me.
03:21LAUGHTER
03:23Negging, yeah.
03:25Just what you mean to people, innit?
03:27I've just got visions of you being bullied at school and you're going, you flirt.
03:31LAUGHTER
03:33As they push you against the lockers for your lunch money, you're going, I think there's a vibe.
03:37So, the word that you just used is the traditional way in which wooing begins.
03:41Bullying?
03:43LAUGHTER
03:47No, it's flirting.
03:49It's flirting.
03:51Flirting is the traditional way of beginning.
03:53So, what is the first rule of anti-flirt club?
03:57Oh, isn't it?
04:00Don't talk about anti-flirt club.
04:03It was a genuine thing. It was in Washington DC. We're going back a bit now.
04:19No winking?
04:21Winking.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:25Oh, thank God. OK.
04:28LAUGHTER
04:30So, 1923, a woman called Alice Riley, she set up an anti-flirt club in Washington DC.
04:36And it's partly to do with the increase in popularity of cars, right?
04:41So, cars are becoming quite the thing.
04:43And men are doing drive-by flirting.
04:46Drive-by flirting?
04:48Drive-by flirting or auto-invitation.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:52I know.
04:53And so, there were a lot of women and young girls who were embarrassed by men,
04:56kind of catcalling to them from the windows or offering them a lift and so on.
05:00The first rule of the anti-flirt club was,
05:02don't flirt, those who flirt in haste often repent in leisure.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:08There were all sorts of things, don't use your eyes for ogling, which I quite like.
05:12They were made for worthier purposes.
05:14What's ogling?
05:15It basically means kind of staring at somebody to ogle at them.
05:18So, don't use your eyes to look at them?
05:20It's... I love this, cos it's like you and I have learnt English in two different countries.
05:24LAUGHTER
05:27I've learnt negging and you've learnt ogling.
05:30I'd say ogling.
05:31Do say ogling. Yeah.
05:32Not ogling. Yeah.
05:34I might be wrong, though.
05:36Let's have a vote.
05:38Who says ogling?
05:40Who says ogling?
05:41Who didn't know what it meant as well?
05:45LAUGHTER
05:47It's about 60% ogling in here, dirty sod.
05:50LAUGHTER
05:52OK, here's one of my favourites.
05:54Do not let elderly men with an eye for flirtation pat you on the shoulder and take a fatherly interest in you.
06:00Ooh!
06:02They're usually the kind who forget that they are fathers.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:06They've got the money, though.
06:08LAUGHTER
06:09I'm very worried about you.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:15Is it all right if I take you under my wing?
06:17You've got money, so I, yes.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:26I like this one.
06:28Don't fall for the slick, dandified cake-eater.
06:31Oh!
06:32We've all got a type, Sunday.
06:34What do you think that is, a cake-eater?
06:35Yeah, it's the cake, it's the cake, the, the...
06:39The part, the body part.
06:40Yeah.
06:41The, the, the sponge, you know, the...
06:43LAUGHTER
06:45LAUGHTER
06:47You're doing three different minds, you're doing different minds!
06:50LAUGHTER
06:51I'm just trying to, trying to articulate it whilst remembering that my grandma watches this show.
06:58LAUGHTER
07:00Is it the, you know, the, the cake would maybe be a metaphor?
07:03Yeah.
07:05Even, even grannies have a minge, don't they?
07:08LAUGHTER
07:09I know, we don't like to think...
07:10I know, we don't like to think...
07:11He's got a min.
07:13LAUGHTER
07:14What does that mean?
07:16LAUGHTER
07:17This was her favourite show!
07:18LAUGHTER
07:19So, a cake-eater is a person with multiple sex partners, basically.
07:20Oh!
07:21Oh!
07:22Oh, OK.
07:23So, none of that conversation needed to happen.
07:25LAUGHTER
07:27LAUGHTER
07:29So, a cake-eater is a person with multiple sex partners, basically.
07:32Oh!
07:33Oh!
07:34Oh, OK.
07:35So, none of that conversation needed to happen.
07:36LAUGHTER
07:37So, the villains of this particular movement, the Anti-Flirt Club, were the Mashers.
07:41Who do you think Mashers were?
07:43LAUGHTER
07:44This can't be real!
07:45It's 1923, Denny.
07:46What do we think about...
07:47Come on, you're so good with words.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:52Is it about potatoes? Can we rule that out?
07:53Yes, it is about potatoes.
07:55So, it's an...
07:56Yes!
07:57LAUGHTER
08:00Sorry, Alan's just having a massive wink.
08:02LAUGHTER
08:03APPLAUSE
08:04Oh, it's mine with a Mashers and a dish of prawns.
08:05Oh, you're...
08:06Honestly...
08:07You were telling somebody off while canoeing.
08:08LAUGHTER
08:09OK, so, aggressive suitors are Mashers.
08:10So, these are men who wanted to make women the objects of their attention soft and pliable as you would mash a potato.
08:13So, weirdly, you get a point for mentioning potatoes.
08:14So, well done there.
08:15That's fantastic.
08:16That got us a point.
08:17Yeah.
08:18Incredible.
08:19LAUGHTER
08:20They've been put up there by a masher.
08:21LAUGHTER
08:22Our president of this anti-flirt club, Alice Riley.
08:23We don't really know that much about her, except that she worked as a cashier.
08:25She's winking.
08:26LAUGHTER
08:27Winking.
08:28That's a form of flirtation.
08:29That's a form of flirtation.
08:30Well, it also may be that she was actually part of the show.
08:31So, you get a point for mentioning potatoes.
08:32So, well done there.
08:33That's fantastic.
08:34That got us a point.
08:35Yeah.
08:36Incredible.
08:37LAUGHTER
08:38They've been put up there by a masher.
08:40LAUGHTER
08:41Our president of this anti-flirt club, Alice Riley.
08:44We don't really know that much about her, except that she worked as a cashier.
08:48She's winking.
08:49LAUGHTER
08:50Winking.
08:51That's a form of flirtation.
08:57Well, it also may be that she was actually part of a publicity stunt,
09:01is the thing about her.
09:02So, she and another member of the anti-flirt club both worked for a film company
09:07involved in making a film the year before called The Flirt.
09:11So...
09:12Oh!
09:13I know.
09:14What are the chances, eh?
09:15So, it may be the whole thing was a publicity stunt.
09:17I've had a look at this film, don't bother.
09:20LAUGHTER
09:21So, what I want to know is, how can you tell that you are being flirted with?
09:26Because I've handed them the money.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:32They did a study at the University of Kansas,
09:34and only a quarter of straight people in these studies realised
09:37that they were being flirted with.
09:39And women, it was much fewer...
09:4018% of women realised that a man was flirting with them.
09:43But people were very bad at detecting flirting.
09:46Yeah.
09:47And maybe it's...
09:48One of the reasons might be that we all think that the signals
09:51that we are sending out are clearer than they are.
09:53Apparently, if somebody looks at your mouth...
09:55whilst you're speaking.
09:57Yeah.
09:58But apparently, that is meant to be a thing,
09:59of like, if you're looking at someone's mouth.
10:00Oh, no, but it's so rubbish, isn't it?
10:02Somebody's looking at your mouth,
10:03and you think, oh, they're really fancy me.
10:04Yeah.
10:05And eventually, you go to the loo and discover
10:06a big bit of something just to...
10:07Yeah!
10:08I've been told it's a triangle.
10:09Apparently, you're supposed to look in one eye,
10:11then the other eye, and then the mouth,
10:12and then keep making your way around the triangle.
10:14Tit, tit, minge.
10:15Tit, tit...
10:16I am mortified, Alan.
10:29Granny, go to bed. Go to bed. Go to bed. Go to bed.
10:33I am mortified that Alan and I have so much in common.
10:36Now, some practical wooing tips.
10:45You've each got an object under your desk.
10:48I want you to show me how you would use it
10:50to make yourself either more or less attractive.
10:53I'm going to start with you, Alan.
10:55What have you got?
10:56I've got magnetised things.
10:58Magnetised blocks there.
11:00How might you use those?
11:01Well, I would build the ideal home for raising a family.
11:05I mean, I wouldn't do that on a first date.
11:09I'd build a love nest.
11:13This is feeling like...
11:14You know when people go and interview murderers?
11:16Yeah.
11:20Oh, look, it flops over.
11:28There's nothing I can think of to do with these
11:30that makes me more attractive.
11:32Perhaps I am, in fact, perhaps I'm being more attractive,
11:34even as we speak.
11:35What do you think, viewers?
11:40Wow.
11:41So, Texas A&M University did a study with magnets.
11:44Weirdly, people who played with magnets said that they felt
11:48more attracted to their partners and more committed and satisfied
11:52in their relationships than those who played with ordinary blocks.
11:55I mean, it may be that it makes you think about the metaphorical
11:59magnetic attraction.
12:00I don't know.
12:01I mean, it's one study in Texas.
12:03What can I tell you?
12:04You can offer someone a segment.
12:06Yeah, again, it's giving real school shooter vibes.
12:09It's not an easy woman to flirt with, Maisie Abbott.
12:18Rosie, can we swap?
12:20Maisie, you want to put that on your poster.
12:22Not an easy woman to flirt with.
12:24Alan Daves.
12:25Right.
12:26Larry, what have you got, darling?
12:28I have...
12:29No, darling, you've picked up the wrong thing.
12:30How about already?
12:31I think that's literally just tissues.
12:32I don't know how to say it.
12:45It's between your legs, darling.
12:50Let me...
12:51These are wet...
12:52These are wet wipes.
12:53No.
12:54These are tissues.
12:56OK.
12:57Right, Larry, what have you got there?
13:01I was like, fuck, they've got me bang on today.
13:06It's just a sign saying beer, wine, drunk, trolled, keg.
13:12Yeah, so we've got it up behind you,
13:14and these are all words to do with alcohol.
13:18So, lots of studies show that after a couple of drinks,
13:21people find each other a little bit more attractive.
13:23But they have beer goggles on.
13:25Beer goggles weirdly works better for women than it does for men.
13:28Does it?
13:29I know, that's one of those strange things, isn't it?
13:30It's a tip.
13:31I know.
13:35Just play with your magnet, Alan.
13:38You don't have to buy them an actual drink.
13:40It's enough to show them a word related to drinking.
13:45No.
13:46Yeah, so they took a group of, again, heterosexual men,
13:50at the University of Missouri, Columbia,
13:52and they just showed them words like beer and keg
13:55and so on, drunk and so on for a split second,
13:57and then they asked them to rate photographs of women,
13:59and they always rated them as more attractive
14:02after they'd seen the words.
14:04You know those T-shirts you see when the people have got,
14:06like, a brand of beer on a T-shirt?
14:08So that would actually make you more attractive in theory.
14:12Just because there's a word right there.
14:14Yes.
14:15But the thing is, there's no tests on gay people at all.
14:17There's no...
14:18I know.
14:19I don't know why I've been doing this whole show,
14:20because three of us, it's got no relevance.
14:22Yeah!
14:24Why have you got Carlsberg written on your pants?
14:26LAUGHTER
14:29Maisie, what have you got?
14:30Er, I have a face mask.
14:32OK.
14:33To make myself less attractive,
14:35I would wear the face mask wrong, like this.
14:38Oh, that's bad.
14:39That used to do my...
14:40Do you remember in the pandemic, people would just go...
14:42Oh.
14:43And sometimes they'd come and talk to you and go,
14:44just so you know...
14:45LAUGHTER
14:48I used to see people who'd cut a hole in them
14:51so they could eat.
14:52LAUGHTER
14:54So, Japanese researchers in 2016,
14:56they coined the term sanitary mask effect.
14:58So, in Japan, it is quite common to wear a mask...
15:01Yeah.
15:02..at other times, other than during a pandemic.
15:04And there were quite a lot of women
15:05who didn't want to put their make-up on
15:06because they couldn't be bothered.
15:08So they thought, I'll just wear a mask, right,
15:10because I'll be much more attractive with the mask
15:13because I haven't bothered with my make-up.
15:15But in fact, the masks make you less attractive.
15:18And maybe people are put off.
15:20It's the association with disease or something.
15:22Yeah.
15:23Right, Rezi, what have you got, love?
15:25Er...
15:26I've got some lovely croissants.
15:29Erm...
15:31I think these'll make you more attractive.
15:36OK, why?
15:37Here's what I will do with croissants.
15:42I will go,
15:43Oh!
15:44Erm...
15:45I feel...
15:47LAUGHTER
15:48I feel...
15:49I feel...
15:51I feel...
15:52I feel...
15:53...shake my croissants.
15:55LAUGHTER
15:56APPLAUSE
15:57And then it's going really well.
16:01Yeah.
16:02No.
16:03Erm...
16:04LAUGHTER
16:05TIT TIT BREAKFAST.
16:06TIT TIT BREAKFAST.
16:07LAUGHTER
16:08APPLAUSE
16:09The University of Montpellier in France, they did a study in 2024.
16:24Eating croissants make you appear less attractive about two hours later.
16:28I know.
16:29So what they did was they had two groups.
16:31Half the subjects ate food full of refined carbohydrates.
16:34So that's croissants, or white bread.
16:36And the other half ate food low in bad carbs.
16:39So they had, you know, porridge or wholemeal bread and so on.
16:42And two hours later, photographs were taken and the attractiveness was rated.
16:45And the ones who'd had the good stuff were consistently rated as more attractive
16:51than the people who had had the bad carbohydrates.
16:53This was two hours later.
16:54And we think the reason is foods like croissants, they make your blood sugar spike
16:59and then it plummets and it drains the blood from your skin.
17:03So a couple of hours after eating croissants, you know, ironically you look pasty.
17:09LAUGHTER
17:12Could it not be like if you eat, like, something stinky the night before,
17:15if you go out running the day after, you come back stinking at last night's dinner?
17:21No, I've never had that.
17:22Please don't tell me that.
17:24LAUGHTER
17:25Right.
17:26For wooing purposes, let's move on to smell.
17:29What smell does make you more attractive?
17:33Is it sweat?
17:36Yes, it is to do with body odour, let's call it that.
17:39Yeah.
17:40OK, so...
17:41You mean it's not the great smell of brute?
17:43LAUGHTER
17:45APPLAUSE
17:52Good shout, good shout backstage.
17:54Nicely done.
17:55Oh, but how about this?
17:56Old Spice?
17:57Lynx, is that one?
17:58LAUGHTER
17:59So, body odour, right.
18:00They have discovered that single men have a stronger body odour than men in long-term relationships.
18:14This is a study, they get 80 men to donate their B.O. How do you think they do that?
18:19How do you donate?
18:20Yeah, well, any thoughts about how you might do it?
18:22What I need is to study with 80 men donating their B.O.
18:25I'll get them to hand their laundry over.
18:27Yeah, so they wore a T-shirt for the day and then...
18:30We'll do your laundry.
18:31Oh, thanks.
18:32LAUGHTER
18:33So what they did was they just cut out the armpit and they put it in a bottle with a nozzle
18:37and then they got women to smell...
18:39LAUGHTER
18:40I know!
18:41And what they discovered is the women consistently rated single men's B.O.
18:46as stronger than men who had partners.
18:50Why do you think that might be?
18:52Pheromones.
18:53Interestingly, humans don't have pheromones.
18:55Ooh!
18:56No, we have the receptors for pheromones and certainly they're all through the natural world
19:01but they've looked and looked and looked but we don't have pheromones.
19:04If I catch my wife on a good day and she allows me to give her a hug in the kitchen...
19:07Oh, yes.
19:08One of the children will go,
19:09SEX!
19:10And then another child will go,
19:12Oh, God!
19:13And then the dog will come in from the garden and try to get involved.
19:16LAUGHTER
19:19Probably something to do with exercise, survival kind of stuff.
19:24Well, it's to do with levels of testosterone.
19:26So single men have significantly higher testosterone levels than married men.
19:31And that makes sense because testosterone enhances the qualities that are useful for attracting a mate.
19:35So, you know, libido and confidence and competitiveness and so on.
19:39And what's interesting is that when men go into a partnership,
19:42the testosterone stays at the single level for about a year before it drops away.
19:48What about after 20 years?
19:50I mean, you might as well just get slippers.
19:53LAUGHTER
19:54Oh, I've got slippers.
19:56How many kids have you got? Three.
19:58Three.
19:59Yeah, well, fatherhood causes a steep decline in testosterone.
20:01No shit.
20:02LAUGHTER
20:09And both men and women are attracted to the smells of people who have a better immune system.
20:14And, of course, it makes sense because that's the person you want to procreate with.
20:17And disease can change your body odour.
20:20So acute diabetes, for example, makes you smell like rotten apples.
20:24Typhoid smells like baked bread.
20:26What smells like baked bread?
20:27Typhoid.
20:28Really?
20:29Because that's what they tell you to...
20:30Like, when you go to house viewings, they tell you to have baked bread.
20:33LAUGHTER
20:34They do.
20:35I'd love to go round some flat and go,
20:38Yeah.
20:39Stinks of typhoid, innit?
20:40LAUGHTER
20:41That would knock the price down, wouldn't it?
20:4350K off straight away, straight in the door.
20:45Yeah.
20:46Typhoid, innit?
20:47Yeah.
20:48I've, erm...
20:49I've heard that about illness.
20:52It's because cerebral palsy makes you smell like a goddess.
21:02LAUGHTER
21:05You're like this, Alan.
21:10One study found that vegetarian men smell more pleasant to women.
21:15Oh, well, I've no doubt about that.
21:17LAUGHTER
21:18Are you sure?
21:19LAUGHTER
21:23No, but, like, have you ever followed a vegan into the loo?
21:26Oh.
21:27Oh, my God.
21:28At uni, I lived with two vegetarians and two vegans.
21:31I've never smelt stuff like it.
21:33LAUGHTER
21:34When we used to have house parties, I used to demand that my housemates
21:38had gone to the loo three hours in advance
21:40because I couldn't have that wafting round.
21:42LAUGHTER
21:44It's funny.
21:45I've got a weird thing that I've noticed.
21:47Every single time I've kissed or whatever,
21:50a vegan or a vegetarian, they're not good at kissing
21:52and other activities.
21:54LAUGHTER
21:56It's because they're too weak.
21:58Yeah.
21:59LAUGHTER
22:04Someone's accepted the challenge.
22:06LAUGHTER
22:07I want to boo, but...
22:09I want to boo, but I've not had my tofu.
22:13LAUGHTER
22:14LAUGHTER
22:15The world's strongest man is a vegan.
22:18I'm not having this.
22:19LAUGHTER
22:20I'm not one, but this is a load of nonsense.
22:22You know it.
22:23The gladiators used to eat beans.
22:25They were called bean munchers.
22:27LAUGHTER
22:28Not a euphemism, it's just literal.
22:31LAUGHTER
22:33Talking of bullying, name three quite interesting things
22:37that you can pull through a wedding ring.
22:40LAUGHTER
22:45What did you think of that?
22:47LAUGHTER
22:49She laughed as if to go, what can't you pull through it?
22:52LAUGHTER
22:54Does anybody want to say what the elephant is in the room?
22:56Do you mean a penis?
22:58LAUGHTER
23:03I don't think I'm going to get a very good score this evening.
23:05LAUGHTER
23:06Is there not some old tradition thing,
23:09if you put your partner's hair or something on it?
23:12Yes.
23:13It's a superstition to do with the wedding ring.
23:15You attach a piece of the mother to his hair
23:17and you hold it over the belly.
23:18If it goes round in a circle, it's supposed to be a girl,
23:20and if it goes backwards and forwards, it's supposed to be a girl.
23:22And it does do one or the other, because I did it with all three.
23:25Yeah.
23:26And then when it was going backwards and forwards,
23:28round and round, and then...
23:30Which one is it?
23:31Nobody knew.
23:32Couldn't remember.
23:33If you looked online, some website said one,
23:35some website said the other.
23:36So either it was always right or wrong.
23:37What does that mean the baby's doing then?
23:39Like a piñata, doesn't it?
23:41LAUGHTER
23:43They all have the powers of Derren Brown,
23:45and then when they're born, they lose it.
23:47LAUGHTER
23:48So that's about tying the hair on.
23:50I'm looking for things that you pull...
23:52LAUGHTER
23:54Sorry, I was being Doctor Strange in the Marvel Universe.
23:58LAUGHTER
23:59Benedict Cumberbatch, you know,
24:00he's a very well-thought-of classical actor,
24:03and suddenly he's got the most stupid costume
24:05and he's going like this.
24:06LAUGHTER
24:07There's nothing there.
24:08They had it all in later and he had to do it for months.
24:10Yes.
24:11And then he laughed all the way to the bank.
24:13Oh, God!
24:14Then he went like that because his cheque was so large.
24:17LAUGHTER
24:18No, he's lovely.
24:19I am going to focus you.
24:20What are we going to pull through a wedding?
24:22My first thought was food.
24:26So I would go classic wotsit.
24:34LAUGHTER
24:36Then you go for a french fry.
24:40I don't mean how many tiny things will go through a wedding.
24:43LAUGHTER
24:44I mean...
24:45What do you mean?
24:46What do you mean?
24:47Surprising things.
24:48Quite interesting things.
24:49Oh!
24:50A car!
24:51LAUGHTER
24:52LAUGHTER
24:53LAUGHTER
24:54LAUGHTER
24:55LAUGHTER
24:57LAUGHTER
24:58LAUGHTER
24:59I'm kind of...
25:01I don't know why am I asking you what kind of car?
25:03No.
25:04It's a weasel.
25:05A weasel?
25:06A weasel?
25:07A weasel can go through a wedding ring.
25:09I've seen a weasel.
25:10Have you?
25:11Yes, in the wild.
25:12They look like stoats but there's a little difference.
25:15One's wearing a wedding ring.
25:17LAUGHTER
25:20So weasels have the ability to compress their skull momentarily
25:24and they can get through very tiny tunnels in order to catch mice.
25:28Do they do it by the power of thought?
25:31Can I just say, your impression of a weasel is a lot like your impression
25:34of Benedict Cumberbatch.
25:35LAUGHTER
25:36LAUGHTER
25:41That doesn't look like Benedict...
25:42Doctor Strange on the loo.
25:44LAUGHTER
25:51With you at the door going, get out of there, the guests are arriving!
25:54LAUGHTER
25:56The other things that you could, which are sort of surprising,
25:58a bikini.
25:59So when the bikini was first invented in 1946,
26:02the inventor, Louis Réard, said they weren't a proper bikini
26:06unless they were so small you could pull it through a wedding ring.
26:09You're not supposed to say bikini, are you?
26:11Because it was on the Bikini Atoll where they did nuclear tests.
26:15Yeah.
26:16And lots and lots of people became terribly ill as a consequence.
26:19So the very word bikini ought to be associated with this terrible injustice
26:24and not sexy lady.
26:26LAUGHTER
26:29You're supposed to say two-piece.
26:31LAUGHTER
26:33Can I have a point?
26:34Yes.
26:35Ooh-hoo!
26:36APPLAUSE
26:38How has he gone from being able to go tit tit vag?
26:45LAUGHTER
26:46Bikini, you shouldn't say.
26:48LAUGHTER
26:51The other thing is a Shetland shawl,
26:53so traditional Shetland fine lace wool shawls weigh less than seven ounces
26:57and they can also be pulled through a wedding ring.
26:59A Shetland shawl?
27:01I know, it's an odd combination of things, isn't it?
27:03LAUGHTER
27:04It's a bizarre graphic.
27:06It is like the weasels thinking,
27:08will that fit me?
27:09LAUGHTER
27:11I can get through that.
27:12Watch this, watch this.
27:13I can get through that.
27:14So my apologies if this sounds a bit gross,
27:17but who is the goddess of the manhole?
27:19Oh!
27:20I know this.
27:21OK.
27:22Is it amazing?
27:24LAUGHTER
27:26APPLAUSE
27:28Who's that last?
27:31LAUGHTER
27:33I'm not writing to it.
27:36All I ask is that you tell me when this is going to TX
27:39so I can inform my grandmother.
27:41LAUGHTER
27:42The goddess of the manhole.
27:44LAUGHTER
27:46The granddaughter of Granny Minge.
27:50APPLAUSE
27:52She's 93.
27:53Sorry.
27:54We're in Roman times.
27:55It's a Roman goddess.
27:56And we are talking about manholes.
27:57It's the Roman goddess of the great sewer,
27:59which was called the cloaca maxima.
28:01They have a goddess of the sewer?
28:02Yes, they do, of course.
28:03But she's vegan.
28:04LAUGHTER
28:05Bean muncher.
28:06So you have to understand that this was the most incredible thing
28:07because it kept the city clean, right?
28:08It was started in 600 BC.
28:09By the time it was finished, it was 20 metres wide.
28:10It was over a mile long.
28:11It was over a mile long.
28:12It was the Roman goddess of the great sewer,
28:13which was called the cloaca maxima.
28:14They have a goddess of the sewer?
28:15Yes, they do, of course.
28:16But she's vegan.
28:17LAUGHTER
28:18So you have to understand that this was the most incredible thing
28:29because it kept the city clean, right?
28:32It was started in 600 BC.
28:34By the time it was finished, it was 20 metres wide,
28:37it was over a mile long,
28:39and it took all the waste away from the city.
28:42It was considered one of Rome's greatest achievements.
28:44In fact, some of it is still in use today.
28:47The sewer lasted longer than the Empire.
28:49Eventually, she was sort of conflated with Venus,
28:51the goddess of love.
28:52I guess both symbolising purity.
28:55And eventually, she became the goddess who presided
28:57over sexual intercourse on the wedding night.
28:59She presided over it.
29:00Like, what?
29:01It sounds judgmental.
29:04It does, doesn't it?
29:05It sounds like she's there with a clipboard,
29:07like, on your driving test.
29:09Yeah.
29:10You're going to have to retake that, I'm afraid.
29:15LAUGHTER
29:18You can't reverse round corners.
29:20LAUGHTER
29:21It's three miners, no, no.
29:23LAUGHTER
29:25You don't understand any of the signals.
29:27LAUGHTER
29:28But that's it at the bottom there, going into the River Tiber.
29:30And you could throw anything you wanted into the street
29:33under Roman law, because most of it would wash out of the town
29:36through the cloaca maxima.
29:37It's weird, though, if you threw something out of an apartment,
29:40so there were some buildings that were, like, five storeys high.
29:43And you had to be very careful not to hit anybody,
29:45because they could sue you for inconvenience.
29:47They do that on New Year's Eve.
29:49What?
29:50Throw things out the window.
29:51What, in Rome?
29:52Yeah, in Rome.
29:53I went there once.
29:54Things come out of windows, there's a lot of glass thrown.
29:57It is brilliant, but really frightening.
29:59I love the image that this is not Italian tradition.
30:02They just saw you walking down the street.
30:08I love it.
30:09Anyway, moving on, how did the big bad wolf
30:12get Little Red Riding Hood's attention?
30:15He nagged her.
30:16LAUGHTER
30:24He dressed up, didn't he, as his granny,
30:26and then learnt to speak.
30:28OK.
30:29What is a thing that sometimes men do to get a woman's attention?
30:32Dress up as a granny.
30:33Wolf whistle is what I was going to go for.
30:35Oh, cool!
30:36Yeah.
30:37Well, it gets its name from a series of Little Red Riding Hood cartoons.
30:41They were directed by Tex Avery.
30:43That was his nickname, was also Fred Avery.
30:45So he was the animator behind all the first big Looney Tunes successes,
30:49like Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck and so on.
30:51And in Little Red Walking Hood, which was the first of these, 1937,
30:56the big bad wolf whistles literously at Red Riding Hood in the street.
31:01And then there was a sequel in 1943, Red Hot Riding Hood.
31:05Oh, no.
31:06I'm just going to remind everybody that cartoons were originally designed
31:09for adults in the movie theater.
31:10Yeah.
31:11They were not intended for children.
31:13And Miss Hood is now a sexy nightclub singer.
31:15This is the follow-up.
31:16What?
31:17I know, right.
31:18And he wolf whistles at her and then pulls out a machine
31:21that wolf whistles for him.
31:23And eventually he's chased off by a, frankly,
31:26even more sexually voracious grandma.
31:28I don't know why I'm looking at you.
31:30LAUGHTER
31:37Anyway, the wolf whistle became a thing that people knew about.
31:39A wolf whistle?
31:40Is that the...
31:41Yeah.
31:42So wolves actually do that?
31:44No, so...
31:47I do like those, like, two sort of milliseconds after a wolf whistle
31:52where you dart round to see if it's, like, someone, like,
31:55that's your friend.
31:56So you can be like, stop it.
31:57Or a stranger where you can be like, fuck off!
31:59LAUGHTER
32:01I don't know how to tell you this, but wolves can't whistle.
32:05They can make lots of noises.
32:07In fact, they can make 11 different noises.
32:08They can yelp and they can whimper and they can whine
32:10and that kind of thing.
32:11Think how different we'd see, like, a full moon
32:13if we just saw wolves going up and go...
32:16LAUGHTER
32:18They can howl.
32:19Oh, my goodness.
32:20I mean, I say howling, it sounds more like singing.
32:22So, some years ago, I...
32:24It was one of those weird documentaries.
32:25I went with, you know, the wonderful Deborah Meaden
32:27who does...
32:28Oh, yeah.
32:29..Dragon's Den.
32:30She and I went to a place called Wolf Lodge,
32:31which is about 1,000 miles north of Oslo in Norway
32:34in a place called Tromsø.
32:36And you go there and you stay inside an enclosure
32:39where the wolves are living wild.
32:41It's phenomenally expensive.
32:42We wouldn't have been there if it wasn't being paid for
32:44by somebody else.
32:45And then, during the day, you go out and you are with the wild wolves
32:49and you...
32:50In order to greet them, they get you to kneel down
32:53and then the wolves come and they lick your face.
32:55Oh, no.
32:56Anyway, I was fine and I was letting them lick my face.
32:59Deborah Meaden, first time she met a wolf,
33:01she let it do tongues.
33:02Just going to say.
33:03LAUGHTER
33:04But, more importantly, did she invest in the proposal?
33:11LAUGHTER
33:13That is without doubt the best celebrity gossip I've ever heard.
33:17What is amazing is you can stroke them
33:19and I put my hand into the fur and it's like it disappears.
33:21It's the thickest thing I have ever put my hand in
33:24because, of course, it's so effing cold.
33:26But when they start howling, what happens is one of them begins
33:30and then another one joins in and for some reason
33:32they don't seem to do the same note.
33:34They do a slightly different tone
33:36and the range of noises that they make is done on purpose
33:40because it shows that the pack is enormous
33:42and that the prey will think,
33:43oh, my goodness, they're terrifying.
33:44Let's have a quick look.
33:52Nah, that's dubbed.
33:53Fake.
33:56A wolf pack likes a bit of a sing-song
33:58but this Wolfgang is no Mozart.
34:00Oh.
34:03I feel I had you till that moment.
34:07I didn't know if they were groaning or doing an impression of the wolves.
34:11What's the cheesiest thing you could imagine at a wedding?
34:16They're Venger boys.
34:20You mean like they're some of the actual Venger boys at the wedding?
34:23The actual Venger boys.
34:27What is that?
34:28What is that?
34:29Popular music combo.
34:30You know the Venger boys.
34:31You know.
34:32You know.
34:36Walmart.
34:43See!
34:45Only 26.
34:46I feel you've all gone mad!
34:50Is it cheese? Is it actual cheese?
34:52Is it actual cheese? Is it actual cheese?
34:54Wedding cheese?
34:55Very famous wedding, very famous piece of cheese.
34:57Queen Victoria.
34:58Queen Victoria is correct.
35:00Oh, go on, darling.
35:01Yes!
35:06So she married Prince Albert, 1840,
35:08and Somerset farmers gave them a great big round of cheese.
35:12It weighed over a thousand pounds.
35:14Oh, my God.
35:15And it was made from the milk of 780 cows.
35:18You know, you're going to need a lot of crackers, right?
35:20Yeah.
35:21And then the farmer said,
35:22could we send it round the country on a publicity tour
35:24to show what an amazing piece of cheese we've made?
35:27And then it went all around the country to fairs and things,
35:31and people prodded and poked it.
35:33And then she didn't want it back because...
35:34No.
35:35Because everyone had touched it.
35:36People have been touching it.
35:37Nobody knows what happened to it.
35:39I imagine they put it on the biggest bit of toast that had ever been touched.
35:42Oh, I do like a melted bit of cheese.
35:44Melted cheese on toast.
35:45Oh, lovely.
35:46I lived on that when I was a student.
35:47I was very constipated.
35:52You'd have fit in perfectly well with my uni flatmates.
35:55Oh.
35:56When Elizabeth II got married,
35:58the people of Leamington Spa clubbed together
36:00and got her a washing machine.
36:02A washing machine?
36:04Possibly the richest woman in the world.
36:05Somebody gave her 500 tins of pineapple.
36:08It's really popular now, isn't it,
36:11to have cheese as your cake at weddings.
36:14Oh, I love that.
36:15I don't really like cake.
36:16I love cheese.
36:17I'm allergic to dairy,
36:18so if I eat that,
36:19then that extractor fan is going to have a lot of work that night.
36:22My neighbours will think I'm announcing a new Pope.
36:34At Charles and Diana's wedding,
36:36they got gifted a ton of peat.
36:38Peat?
36:39Peat, yes.
36:40What's peat?
36:41Soil.
36:42Big lad.
36:43The Crown Prince Hakon of Norway and his fiancée
36:48were given a quit smoking course.
36:52What did he get?
36:53Yeah.
36:54Prince Carl Philip of Sweden and Sofia Helqvist,
36:56two-person kayak, an electric guitar and a nature reserve.
37:00What vibe were they giving off as a couple?
37:04Oh, expensive royal wedding.
37:06The most anybody's ever spent.
37:09Crown Prince Abu Dhabi and Princess Salomar.
37:13Estimated cost, a hundred million dollars.
37:17Oh!
37:18Yeah.
37:19Got married in a 20,000-seater stadium.
37:21The gifts for the bride were carried on 20 bejeweled camels.
37:24No.
37:25No.
37:26No.
37:27Charles II married Catherine Obraganza in 1662.
37:30Her dowry included 500,000 pounds,
37:32which is about 77 million in today's money.
37:35What?
37:36As well as, I love this, Bombay, Tangier,
37:39and the right of free trade with the Portuguese colonies.
37:42That's...
37:43That's what you're talking about.
37:44That's a cut, you know.
37:46That's the stuff.
37:47My wedding was very emotional.
37:48Even the cake was in tears.
37:50Now...
37:51Oh!
37:52APPLAUSE
37:57We've talked a lot about marriage, but nothing lasts forever.
38:01What's the upside to being a widow?
38:04Oh, you don't need to live for a fair man.
38:09LAUGHTER
38:10I mean, that's very straightforward, isn't it?
38:12Yeah.
38:13That's very straightforward.
38:14So, there was an advantage sometimes to being a widow.
38:17So, in the 19th century in France,
38:19the only women who could legally own a business were widows.
38:22Oh!
38:23So, this woman, Barb Nicole Clicquot,
38:26she took over her husband's wine business.
38:29He passed away in 1810, she was just 27,
38:32and she renamed it Verve Clicquot,
38:34and Verve is the French for widow.
38:37Oh!
38:38So, she is the widow Clicquot,
38:39and she began selling champagne,
38:41and she became one of the very first
38:42international business women ever,
38:44and she even managed to get her wines
38:46through the blockades in Imperial Russia
38:48so that champagne could be drunk
38:50to celebrate Napoleon's defeat.
38:52That's pretty cool.
38:53There's a very interesting connection between widows
38:55and champagne houses.
38:56So, Louise Pomerie, she took over Pomerie
38:59when her husband, Alexander, died in 1860,
39:01and by 1890, she passed away.
39:03She was the very first French woman to be given a state funeral
39:06because she's done such an amazing job with her business.
39:08The next one is Mathilde Emily Perrier.
39:11She created Laurent Perrier when her husband, Eugène Laurent,
39:14died in 1887.
39:16Then we have Camille-Holrie Rodeur,
39:18who took over Rodeur in 1932,
39:20and then when Jacques Bollinger died in 1941,
39:23his widow on the right there, Lily Bollinger,
39:25who just looks so happy.
39:26Oh!
39:27She...
39:28Is she looking at her gallery of murderers?
39:31Yes.
39:32This is one of my favourite quotes of all time.
39:34It's by Lily Bollinger,
39:35so the one on the right there.
39:37She said,
39:38I drink champagne when I'm happy and when I'm sad.
39:40Sometimes I drink it when I'm alone.
39:42When I have company, I consider it obligatory.
39:45I trifle with it if I'm not hungry,
39:47and drink it when I am.
39:49Otherwise, I never touch it.
39:51Unless I'm thirsty.
39:54LAUGHTER
40:03Now, fingers on buzzers, please.
40:04It's general ignorance.
40:06Where does sushi come from?
40:13Boot!
40:14LAUGHTER
40:19Japan.
40:20Oh, I don't!
40:26Birmingham.
40:27LAUGHTER
40:28China.
40:29The method did spread through China,
40:31but the origins is along the banks of the Mekong River.
40:34So, we're talking about what is now Cambodia, Thailand and Laos.
40:37So, seafood would be skinned and it would be gutted,
40:40stuffed with salt,
40:41and then left to ferment in a barrel for six months.
40:45And then, in the second century,
40:46the Chinese started to put rice with the fish
40:49because the rice helped to ferment the fish.
40:51Basically, the rice became really stinky
40:52and they would throw the rice away.
40:54And then, by the 1500s, they're thinking,
40:56well, let's keep the rice as well.
40:57And that whole process was called nararezushi,
41:00meaning matured fish, and it took about a year.
41:03About a year?
41:04They did eventually make the process a bit quicker
41:07and they used rice vinegar,
41:08which made it just a few days instead of it having to be a year.
41:11I got one sushi question.
41:15Who invented a conveyor belt?
41:20Yes.
41:21I love those.
41:22I want one in my house.
41:25Yeah.
41:26We've all eaten dinner and thought,
41:28do you know what?
41:29this mixed with baggage reclaim.
41:31LAUGHTER
41:32Now, what's another name for a cardiac arrest?
41:38Yes, Danny.
41:40Oh, heart attack.
41:42Oh, Alan.
41:44Oh.
41:46Myocardial infarction.
41:48What?
41:49Wow.
41:50OK.
41:51APPLAUSE
41:53I don't know how I know that.
41:55Yeah.
41:56Because it's on the warning label if you buy a packet of Viagra.
42:00LAUGHTER
42:02APPLAUSE
42:04Sandy, you can't let him disclose that and it'd be wrong.
42:12So, a cardiac arrest is when a person's heart stops pumping blood
42:16around the body and so they basically stop breathing normally.
42:18That can be caused by a heart attack, OK?
42:21But a heart attack is when one of the arteries in your heart
42:23becomes blocked and if it's left untreated,
42:25then the heart tissue will eventually die.
42:27It's a curious thing.
42:28If you get a flu vaccine,
42:29it decreases your risk of having a heart attack by about 25%.
42:32Really?
42:33Oh, no, that's extraordinary.
42:34If you take cocaine,
42:35it increases the risk by nearly 24 times within an hour.
42:39LAUGHTER
42:40So, that's a curious thing.
42:41Oh, really?
42:42Every time we do a line, George's have a flu vaccine.
42:48LAUGHTER
42:52Imagine if you directed The Wolf of Wall Street.
42:55LAUGHTER
42:59Now, if any of you know cause or just impediment
43:02why these four persons should not be humiliated by the scores,
43:05you are to declare it. No, it's too late.
43:07Living happily ever after in first place tonight
43:11with two whole points.
43:14Maisie!
43:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:20Always the bridesmaid in second place with minus six,
43:22it's Larry.
43:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:26Getting cold feet with minus eight, Rosie.
43:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:31And left with the altar in last place
43:35with a magnificent minus 54.
43:38LAUGHTER
43:39It's Alan!
43:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:47Right, that's it for this episode of QI.
43:50Thanks to Rosie, Larry, Maisie and Alan.
43:52That's the end of the show.
43:53So I'd just like to say to my wife,
43:55I know I'm always working, but I really love you.
43:57See, I've still got it.
43:58I've still got it, right?
43:59Good night.
44:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:02MUSIC PLAYS
44:16AND APPLAUSE
Be the first to comment