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QI XL S23E01 Wales Whales and Wails

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00:00Thank you for listening.
00:30Thank you
00:36To QI where tonight we're having a whales of a time with whales whales and whales. Let's meet the natives a zesty Welsh rabbit
00:44Kiri Pritchard MacLean
00:49Snappy Welsh dresser Ellis James
00:56Dragon Griffiths Jones
01:00And the very Welsh name, but he's from Essex Alan Davis
01:12Their whales songs Ellis goes
01:21Here he goes
01:23When he was a great believer
01:29Griff goes
01:30And Alan goes
01:37He's always on the sea
01:41And these engines running green
01:43For the sea
01:45Right, let's begin with an easy one
01:47Pwy sin syarad khum rai
01:49I mean it does sound like I've been drinking
01:53I mean it does sound like I've been drinking
01:58Did I say that wrong Ellis?
02:00No, you made a very good attempt I thought
02:02Right
02:03The stab, can you say it for me?
02:04Pwy sin syarad khum rai
02:06Pwy sin syarad khum rai
02:07Yeah
02:08So some of our panel will know that that means who speaks Welsh
02:12According to the last census there are 538,300 Welsh speakers in the UK
02:17That's just under 1% of the UK population
02:19But it's about 1 in 6 living in Wales
02:22Is your first language?
02:23First language
02:24Language I would speak with my mum and dad and my sisters
02:27Yeah
02:27And did you ever get told that you shouldn't be speaking it?
02:30No, no
02:31That certainly happened to my parents' generation
02:34But it was the language I was educated in at school
02:37Right, I went on all the demos
02:38Did you?
02:39Yeah
02:39Try and meet girls
02:41It didn't really work
02:45So I just end up having very earnest conversations about a sort of property act
02:50I be like, er, trying to look handsome and sort of knowledgeable at the same time
02:56Chris, do you speak any Welsh?
02:59Dwy'n dwy'n, sin syarad khum rai
03:02Er, a fo dyn honnest
03:04Dwy'n dwy'n dwy'n fwy dyn or
03:06I mean, I, maybe
03:07What do you think?
03:08That sounds like a thing
03:10That means, I'm sorry I don't speak any Welsh
03:12In fact, I've no idea what I'm saying.
03:18And Kiri, let's get your credentials.
03:20Well, I'm a Welsh learner, so...
03:22OK. But I live in a very Welsh-speaking area of Wales,
03:24so I do speak it on a daily basis,
03:27but I wouldn't say to any great level.
03:29And I spend a lot of time nodding and smiling
03:31and agreeing to all kinds of things, I can tell you.
03:34No idea. Well, I do that in English.
03:37I went very early.
03:38Well, the language is on the rebound
03:41because in the early 19th century they tried to suppress it.
03:43Yes. My grandparents were...
03:47Well, they were beaten in school for speaking Welsh.
03:50They encouraged the idea that Welsh was sort of an uncivilised language
03:53and that it should be eradicated
03:55because it was holding the nation back.
03:57So people thought they were doing the best thing for their children
03:59by stopping them from speaking Welsh, which is really sad.
04:02Well, I mean, there were riots.
04:03They were known as the Rebecca Riots,
04:05which took place in the 19th century.
04:07And it's men, it's farmers, I think, dressed up.
04:09Yeah, dressed as women.
04:10That was a tollbooth thing.
04:11Yeah.
04:12The tollbooths were prohibitively expensive,
04:14so a lot of farmers thought, well, we'll just knock them down.
04:18They needed a disguise, so they dressed up in their wives' car thing.
04:22To any young farmer's event,
04:25you'll know it's any excuse for Welsh men to put a frock on.
04:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:28And the tollbooth was just a very handy excuse at the time,
04:31like, this dress won't wear itself.
04:33See, I think it's a wonderful thing.
04:36I would certainly learn Welsh if I was in Wales.
04:38Do you feel a sort of a jealousy that Essex doesn't have its own kind of lingo?
04:43They've got plenty of lingo.
04:45Oh, yeah.
04:48Literally, obviously, literally, obviously is the bane.
04:52Yeah, literally, obviously.
04:53Yeah, obviously, obviously.
04:54You can't turn around to me, obviously.
04:56And literally, obviously, literally, you can't turn around and say that.
05:01It's perfect sense.
05:02Perfect sense.
05:03How many people could say that to each other for hours?
05:05Well, Alan, you must have had people coming up to you and saying,
05:09you're Welsh, aren't you, with a name like Alan?
05:10Well, I always thought I was.
05:12And I was told that I was.
05:14And then I did one of these programmes where they look into your ancestry,
05:18and nothing.
05:18It's all...
05:19LAUGHTER
05:20The furthest away from me is Hertfordshire.
05:24And also, once you get back about 300 years,
05:28you can't look any further, because naming is very different in Wales.
05:32Surnames, like my surname, were all added on by the English, really.
05:37So, you can't find people in the same way.
05:40I did that, and I found out my great-grandfather was beaten to death
05:46in a drunken brawl, incidentally.
05:51By someone in a dress.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:54What could be more Welsh than...
05:55LAUGHTER
05:56I did AncestryDNA, and the initial set of results was 98% Welsh.
06:03Yeah.
06:041% Swedish, 1% Portuguese.
06:07And I went, oh!
06:09LAUGHTER
06:09Then I got another email about a month later saying,
06:12sorry, we made a mistake, it's 100% Carmarthonshire.
06:15LAUGHTER
06:16And an awful lot from the same street.
06:18Yeah.
06:19So, if you're going to have children, for God's sake,
06:23meet an English girl, because...
06:25LAUGHTER
06:26So, there was a report in 1847, we're talking about the suppression
06:29of the language, that said,
06:30the Welsh language is a vast drawback to Wales
06:33and a manifold barrier to the moral progress
06:35and commercial prosperity of the people.
06:37Yes.
06:38It was three English academics who came over and were like,
06:40what's going on in Wales?
06:42And then they set all these tests to these school kids,
06:45and it came back and they said,
06:46this is a very thick nation, it's clearly the language.
06:48Yeah.
06:49I was holding them back.
06:50And they had tested children who don't use English in English.
06:53So, they used their lack of English as a reason
06:57to eradicate the language that they were using and thriving in.
07:00It's really, really sad.
07:01And also, they cast a sort of moral judgment,
07:03they came back and they were like,
07:05the kids are thick and all the women are sluts.
07:08Yeah.
07:09So, they were half right.
07:11LAUGHTER
07:11I think we've established that Alan and I don't know anything.
07:16So, we are going to play a quick game
07:19of which Welsh word is which.
07:21APPLAUSE
07:23OK, well, yes, well, yes, well, yes.
07:27So, we're going to have a list of words put up here
07:32and we're going to choose one.
07:34That's just a list of anagrams.
07:35It's one of them, isn't it?
07:37Let's choose bottom right, let's choose penglog.
07:39How do you say it?
07:40Penglog.
07:41Oh, correct.
07:42Oh, there.
07:43Why, she's like a native.
07:45And let's go round.
07:46Kiri, what do you think it means, penglog?
07:48Well, a no.
07:49No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
07:51We're going to try and guess.
07:52Yeah, but I was going to make it seem like a no for all of them.
07:54Oh, I see.
07:55OK.
07:56This is like, you're my bluff.
07:57I'm playing to win.
07:58OK.
08:00I've got some wet wipes.
08:01This will be the prize.
08:04I don't know why they give me wet wipes.
08:05I don't know what I might have done sitting here.
08:09They give me wet wipes as well.
08:10Do you have them as well?
08:11Yeah.
08:12It's just since we've got a little bit older.
08:13Yes.
08:14LAUGHTER
08:16Ellis, have you got wet wipes?
08:19No, too young and relevant.
08:21LAUGHTER
08:22Right, go for it.
08:25Penglog.
08:25Penglog.
08:27Skull.
08:27Skull?
08:28Ellis?
08:28Er, that feeling you get when you've had one pint too many.
08:33OK, and Griff?
08:35It's the U-Bend.
08:37In a toilet.
08:38LAUGHTER
08:39LAUGHTER
08:40Ruling out Ellis.
08:42Yeah.
08:43Because...
08:43Oh, on my 18th birthday, I was Penglog.
08:46You're ruling out Ellis because...
08:47Because it didn't...
08:48It doesn't feel like a thing you'd have a word for, but then I have been to Wales quite a lot.
08:58LAUGHTER
08:59And by about six o'clock on a Saturday, most people are Penglog.
09:02LAUGHTER
09:03I'm going to go with Griff.
09:05It's a U-Bend.
09:06OK, we're about...
09:06Just because the toilet goes Glog sometimes.
09:08OK, Penglog.
09:09LAUGHTER
09:10The toilet's a bit Penglog.
09:11Yeah.
09:12OK, is that right?
09:13It's onomatopoeic, but wrong.
09:15Oh, so who is it?
09:17It's me.
09:18You were double bluffing!
09:19It means skull.
09:20It means skull, yes.
09:21OK, all right, let's try another one.
09:23Let's try...
09:24Clostinoddy.
09:26Top...top in the middle, how do we say it?
09:28Clistnoddy.
09:29Clist?
09:30Clistnoddy.
09:31So close to rude.
09:32OK.
09:33Clistnoddy.
09:34Right.
09:35Griff.
09:36Hemorrhoids.
09:37LAUGHTER
09:40I'm going to go with that.
09:41Yes?
09:42When you come back from the shop, and the one thing you went to buy, you've forgotten.
09:47LAUGHTER
09:50Baked beans.
09:52Hemorrhoids, baked beans, or the thing you forgot that you're meant to get.
09:57Elias, OK.
09:58The madalitine...
09:59Cal...
10:00Er...
10:01Atabur.
10:02No, no, no, no, no, no.
10:03Didn't be...
10:04OK.
10:05OK.
10:06This is why they banned it.
10:07LAUGHTER
10:08APPLAUSE
10:09APPLAUSE
10:11So...
10:13APPLAUSE
10:15Can I...
10:16Can I just say, the producer speaks in my ear and says,
10:19None of you have given the correct definition.
10:22LAUGHTER
10:23We had a conversation, and I said, you were meant to give the right answer,
10:27and he went, well, it wasn't me.
10:28LAUGHTER
10:29It wasn't me.
10:30OK.
10:31We didn't give...
10:32We didn't do this word.
10:33Who knows what he did?
10:34He did!
10:35LAUGHTER
10:36Who knows what...
10:37Is that what it means?
10:38I don't know.
10:39Does it mean conspiracy?
10:40LAUGHTER
10:41Well, I'm ruling out haemorrhoid.
10:42Yes.
10:43Yes.
10:44Yes.
10:45You know, that's what the wet wipes are for.
10:47LAUGHTER
10:48Oh, it's a good rule out haemorrhoid.
10:50LAUGHTER
10:51Who's got the right answer?
10:52Nobody's got the right answer.
10:53I mean, I know the right answer.
10:54Yeah, what is it?
10:55It means to ring-fenceria mark.
10:56Oh, yours was much more interesting.
10:57Oh, yeah, yeah.
10:58That's very good.
10:59All right, let's try one more and see if anybody actually knows what it means.
11:02Let's try Umfrostio, which is a kind of cereal.
11:07Mmm!
11:08Frostio!
11:09How do you say it?
11:10Umfrostio.
11:11Umfrostio.
11:12Right, curious.
11:13Umfrostio is to defrost.
11:17OK, to defrost.
11:18It means to boast.
11:20Or to show off.
11:21Griff?
11:22To go swimming in Pembrokeshire.
11:24LAUGHTER
11:26Alan, what do you reckon?
11:32Well, I like the sound of Griff's one.
11:34It's a very beautiful part of the world.
11:35Pembrokeshire.
11:36I love Pembrokeshire.
11:37So I'm going to go with that one.
11:38Let's go with that.
11:39Is that right?
11:40No, that's not right.
11:41No.
11:42Incorrect.
11:43Oh, it's the other one.
11:44Yeah, it means to show off or to bust.
11:46OK, I like that.
11:47I like them all.
11:48The one above looks fantastic.
11:50Cervryfianelf.
11:52Cervryfianelf.
11:53Cervryfianelf.
11:54Cervryfianelf.
11:55Yeah.
11:56LAUGHTER
11:57What does that mean?
11:58Er, calculator.
11:59Oh, I love that.
12:01Yeah.
12:02Here's one more question.
12:03Why is Welsh better than English?
12:05I think it's because our swear words are better.
12:07Oh, well, it's probably got one.
12:08Yes.
12:09Well, I really like...
12:11LAUGHTER
12:17You can't say that!
12:19You can't say that on the television!
12:22LAUGHTER
12:23You actually can't!
12:24No!
12:25LAUGHTER
12:26What are you just saying?
12:27It's basically the motto of my career.
12:29Erm, so...
12:30...is to sparkle like a dog's bollocks.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:35APPLAUSE
12:36Now, there's a word which I'm sure I'm going to say wrong, which is...
12:45Cooch.
12:46Cooch.
12:47Oh, how are you spelling it?
12:48Ah.
12:49Yes, so this is an English spelling.
12:51Is that right of a Welsh word?
12:52That's an English spelling of a Welsh word.
12:54And it's a very interesting, sort of, multi-purpose word,
12:58cos it means to cuddle, a cooch.
13:01You would cooch up, which means you would sit next to someone.
13:04But I would spell that with an S, cos following the Welsh pronunciation
13:07guidelines, that would be cooch.
13:09Right.
13:10But it's...
13:11Cooch.
13:12An awful lot of Welsh tat has got the top one on it.
13:15LAUGHTER
13:16If you buy stuff in a tourist shop, you'll probably have cooch with a ch.
13:19That's...
13:20To me, that looks wrong.
13:21It's complicated because my name is spelled Griffith...
13:24Yeah, yeah.
13:25..with an I, but the proper Welsh way is to spell it with a...
13:28With a U.
13:29Yeah.
13:30So, people talk about Gruff Rhys, my namesake,
13:32who is of the super furry animals.
13:34And, er, Gruff is not Gruff at all, it's Gruff.
13:37No.
13:38But that's because a U is always pronounced with, like, a double I.
13:41As a Welsh learner, I've really enjoyed, sort of,
13:43getting to grips with the different letters.
13:44So, the double L, the...
13:46That noise that people sort of make fun of.
13:48Yeah.
13:49But it's...
13:50And it's beautiful.
13:51It sounds great in words.
13:52There's a place near me called, um, Dolgashai,
13:53and it sounds beautiful.
13:54Mm.
13:55And, er, an ex-boyfriend of mine,
13:57his mum was so excited to find out that he came from North Wales,
13:59and she went,
14:00Oh, we had the best holidays of our life in North Wales.
14:02We had two weeks in Dolegaloo.
14:04LAUGHTER
14:06Wow.
14:08Thanks.
14:09Just be fair, it sounds lovely as Dolgashai.
14:12It is.
14:13Yeah, the pina colab is in Dolgashai.
14:15LAUGHTER
14:16And now, from the language of Wales to the language of whales.
14:20Could anybody please give me your impression of a sperm whale
14:23communicating with a killer whale?
14:25You can do what you want, mate.
14:26You're a killer whale.
14:27LAUGHTER
14:28I'm not going to want.
14:29I'm just sperm.
14:30Yeah.
14:31Maybe 10.
14:32My head's too big for you.
14:34LAUGHTER
14:35That's too big.
14:36You'll break your jaw.
14:37Try it!
14:38LAUGHTER
14:39Why is my eye so far back from the front?
14:41LAUGHTER
14:42LAUGHTER
14:43My eye has ended up really in my tummy.
14:45LAUGHTER
14:47Anyway, apparently, on good authority,
14:49the sound that sperm whales make is more like...
14:51LAUGHTER
14:53Yeah.
14:54Sorry.
14:55LAUGHTER
14:56Anybody know the other name for killer whales?
14:59Orca.
15:00Orcas, absolutely right.
15:01So, they tend to eat smaller fish, basically.
15:03But, very rare occasions, they will attack a sperm whale,
15:06even though it is, you know, twice the size
15:07and they live in quite large groups.
15:09How do you think that the sperm whales protect themselves
15:12from the killer whales?
15:14Ejaculate.
15:15LAUGHTER
15:22The thing is...
15:23A very powerful...
15:24A powerful jet of ejaculate.
15:25The thing is...
15:26The thing is...
15:27The thing is, you're so close to the right answer.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:30Oh, I'm always close.
15:32APPLAUSE
15:38Just because it's a sperm whale,
15:39it does ejaculate other things,
15:40it does throw out other things.
15:41What might it be?
15:42Oh, do they wee on it?
15:43Oil.
15:44Not oil, not wee.
15:45What's the other thing?
15:46Poo.
15:47Poo.
15:48Poo.
15:49It is called...
15:50They do.
15:51LAUGHTER
15:52It's called defensive defecation, so...
15:55LAUGHTER
15:56I've been doing that for years, that's why I've got the wet one.
15:59LAUGHTER
16:01APPLAUSE
16:02APPLAUSE
16:03What they do is they form into a huddle with their heads facing into the centre and they put all the youngest and most vulnerable members of the group into the centre.
16:15Then as the orcas attack, they release massive amounts of diarrhoea.
16:20Is this really a thing they do or are they just crapping them?
16:24Yeah.
16:25It's like, what if...
16:26What if they've just been...?
16:28LAUGHTER
16:29And they're like,
16:30Oh, God, why didn't you attack me five minutes ago?
16:33I'm ready to go!
16:34The mum's in the middle going,
16:35just have a try for me, please!
16:37LAUGHTER
16:38And they've seen this in Western Australia researchers,
16:41not only do they spread diarrhoea out, they then flap their tails like this,
16:44and the orcas just...
16:45Spreading around?
16:46The orcas just bugger off.
16:47Wow!
16:48Oh, you would.
16:49Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
16:50Not eating that.
16:51LAUGHTER
16:52I mean, you eat a lot of calamari.
16:55The smell can be incredible.
16:57So, I just...
16:59I just think that possibly it's probably the most lethal sort of poo that there's ever been.
17:05So, it's known as flocculent, which means it's woolly, but it just means it's got little tiny pieces in it,
17:10so it's bits that have not been digested well.
17:12But, Kiri, you get a point of talking about the mum's weirdly saying,
17:15come on, you can do this.
17:16Oh, I thought you were going to say, cos you've done it.
17:17No!
17:18LAUGHTER
17:19In the sea at Pembrokeshire.
17:21LAUGHTER
17:22Both the sperm whales and the orcas have a matrilineal system,
17:25so it's basically, it's an older female or a matriarch,
17:28and she is the respected leader of all the...
17:30Oh!
17:31She's the mama, the mama is in charge.
17:32Love that.
17:33Mmm.
17:34Mama the pooper.
17:35LAUGHTER
17:36LAUGHTER
17:37You shit, and you shit.
17:38LAUGHTER
17:39LAUGHTER
17:44I have to hand respect to orcas, because I've just been reading that they go off,
17:47and they like to attack great white sharks.
17:51Yes, they do.
17:52And eat the livers.
17:53Yeah.
17:54They leave the rest.
17:55Yeah.
17:56Just love pate.
17:57LAUGHTER
17:58But what they do is they flip them over.
18:00Do they?
18:01So the white shark has got protection all over it,
18:03and what they do is they flip it over, and there's a soft belly
18:05which hasn't got any protection, and they go straight in and get the liver.
18:08I mean, how do they know that?
18:09It's the most astonishing thing, isn't it?
18:10Wow.
18:11They've been talking to the sperm whales.
18:12Who told them?
18:13LAUGHTER
18:14What do you want to do, Vincent?
18:16LAUGHTER
18:17Absolutely delicious.
18:18It's delicious.
18:19I'd eat it myself, but I don't know where my mouth is, cos my eye...
18:22LAUGHTER
18:23Have I even got a mouth?
18:25I don't know.
18:26I'm more of a lover nor a fighter.
18:28I'm more of a shitter, actually.
18:30LAUGHTER
18:31So, we're talking about different kinds of food.
18:36Who communicates by wobbling their melons?
18:39LAUGHTER
18:42Certain actresses in films starring Benny Hill in the 1960s.
18:48Barbara Windsor.
18:49We're back to the Welsh Young Farmers again, aren't we?
18:51LAUGHTER
18:53So, we're still with whales.
18:55So, here's all the different kinds that there are.
18:57And one of them communicates by wobbling their melons.
19:00Which one do you think it might be?
19:01Oh, is it...is it the beluga?
19:04It is the beluga, and I like that you just did that.
19:06Yes!
19:07Because that is kind of...
19:08They look like they need colouring in.
19:10LAUGHTER
19:12So, they live in the Arctic.
19:14Similar kind of length and weight as a Volkswagen Beetle, OK?
19:17That's kind of how big they are.
19:18And so, they have these big bumps on the front of their heads.
19:21They're made of a waxy fat.
19:23And they can change the shape of it at will.
19:26And that is how they communicate.
19:28They order them 30 times more often when they're socialising
19:31than when they're alone.
19:32The latest research shows.
19:33Let's have a quick look, cos it is sort of astonishing.
19:36Whoa!
19:38Whoa!
19:39Oh, that's what my kids are like when they have ice cream.
19:42LAUGHTER
19:44Brain freeze! Brain freeze!
19:46So, it seems to be associated with courtship,
19:49but obviously there is a whole language there that we haven't decoded.
19:52Looks painful.
19:53I can't...
19:54Yes, it does.
19:55Like, you're just...
19:56Just say yes or no.
19:57Are you into me or not?
19:58LAUGHTER
19:59LAUGHTER
20:04Right, moving on.
20:05Erm...
20:06What's the best way to upset a Japanese whaler?
20:09Well, I'd have thought it was impossible to, isn't it?
20:11Upset a Japanese whaler?
20:13Yeah, because imagine you're a Japanese whaler.
20:15And the people say, what do you do?
20:16And you go...
20:17My harpoon whale.
20:19OK.
20:20Make something of it.
20:21Yeah.
20:22They must be as hard as nails.
20:23Right, so that's one kind of whaler.
20:25What other kind of whaler...
20:26Oh, that's in Bob Marley and the whalers.
20:28Oh.
20:29OK.
20:30Japanese Bob Marley tribute pants.
20:32LAUGHTER
20:34Do we have footage?
20:35I hope we do.
20:36LAUGHTER
20:38Who else wails?
20:40Oh, mourners!
20:41No, er, babies.
20:43So, in Japan, whaling babies are regarded as really healthy.
20:48Now.
20:49Is there anybody who speaks Japanese in the audience while we're doing this?
20:52Yes, I'm Japanese.
20:54Am I going to say something in Japanese?
20:55Can you see if you can understand me?
20:57Naku ko wa sudatsu.
20:59Crying baby is growing.
21:02Oh.
21:03I got it right.
21:04Crying babies grow.
21:05Yes.
21:06APPLAUSE
21:07Crying babies grow.
21:09APPLAUSE
21:10So, crying babies grow because the screams of a baby is supposed to ward off evil spirits.
21:15And since the high-end period, sort of 8th to the 12th century, they have had crying competitions, which are called konakizumo.
21:22Two babies are held in front of each other until one of them cries.
21:27LAUGHTER
21:28Right?
21:29And the last 30 years or so, these events have taken place at a Shinto shrine.
21:33And what happens is, fully kitted out sumo wrestlers each hold a baby and shout,
21:38Naki, Naki, Naki, or cry.
21:40LAUGHTER
21:41The first baby to cry is the winner.
21:43And if they don't cry, then other people put on scary masks and make them.
21:48LAUGHTER
21:50Biggest of these festivals is at the Asakusa Temple in Tokyo.
21:55There's no prize, and yet people enter a sort of ballot to be the ones to put their babies in for this.
22:01The prize is a huge amount of therapy as an adult, I think.
22:04LAUGHTER
22:05Where do you think babies cry?
22:07Which nationality of babies cry the most in the world?
22:10We had a skiing instructor years ago...
22:13Yep.
22:14..who went through one, quite an interesting long chairlift rider,
22:18and she taught all the nationalities you can think of.
22:21She said, the Russians, they just get up and get on with it, even if they're bleeding.
22:26The English try terribly hard, hopeless, but keep going.
22:30LAUGHTER
22:31And then she said, the French and the Italians, if they fall over, they just cry for their mama.
22:37LAUGHTER
22:39I mean, this is just research by one university.
22:44They studied 8,500 newborns.
22:46They found Canadian babies cry the most.
22:49Right.
22:50I think they're worried they might become American and...
22:52LAUGHTER
22:53APPLAUSE
22:59The babies are cry the least in the world.
23:02Oh, is it like the Irish? I feel like they're quite stoic.
23:05The Aussies are quite laid back.
23:07It's the Danes.
23:08LAUGHTER
23:09I know.
23:10Oh, all that repression.
23:12LAUGHTER
23:13Well, the speculation was that they cry the least.
23:16Maybe it's due to parenting differences.
23:18They certainly found that Danish babies get held more.
23:20Hands over the mouth.
23:22Yeah.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:24She never cries.
23:25LAUGHTER
23:27I said, he doesn't want to cuddle.
23:28Does he not?
23:29He's six.
23:30And I cuddled him the other day.
23:31And he went, don't!
23:32LAUGHTER
23:35I said, why not?
23:36And he went, I've told you how many times!
23:39LAUGHTER
23:44Do you speak Welsh to him?
23:45I do, yeah.
23:46But in either language, he doesn't want to be held.
23:48LAUGHTER
23:50The cat went into his bedroom the other day.
23:53After he'd gone to sleep, I thought.
23:55And I just heard him saying,
23:57How dare you!
23:58LAUGHTER
24:03What has the cat done?
24:04Am I the only grandparent here?
24:07No, darling, I have four.
24:08I have four grandchildren, including a brand new one.
24:11They're great.
24:12APPLAUSE
24:16But you're also in a position as a grandparent to go,
24:18Oh, OK, your turn.
24:21As a parent, you can't do.
24:22Well, I'm a foster carer, and that's exactly what you can do.
24:25LAUGHTER
24:27I'm a respite foster carer, so we have...
24:30Good for you.
24:31Good for you.
24:32Thank you, yeah.
24:33APPLAUSE
24:35I really love it, and applaud anyone watching.
24:38We're desperate for foster carers in your local authority.
24:40Please do consider it.
24:41It is the most amazing, profound, life-changing way
24:44to get 40% off your council tax.
24:46LAUGHTER
24:47But we do respite, which is amazing, so we have young people
24:51come to us for short breaks and stays, and then they'll
24:54go back to, you know, the birth family or their other
24:56foster carers, and it's great, cos for two days,
24:58everyone can be a really great, engaged parent.
25:01Could you have Alan for a couple of days?
25:03LAUGHTER
25:04What is this Welsh woman selling?
25:19Yes, Ellis.
25:21Soap.
25:22Is absolutely right.
25:23Yes.
25:24This is the picture that hangs in every Welsh home at one stage or
25:34another.
25:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:36And if you look at it, there's the devil in the arm.
25:38Yeah.
25:39That is exactly right.
25:40Let's start with the soap.
25:41Yes.
25:42Every single relative of mine has this framed in the house,
25:45and I thought, as Welsh people, we just loved it.
25:48As a nation, we looked at that painting and were like,
25:50yeah, that's art.
25:51That's where art begins and ends, actually.
25:53LAUGHTER
25:54But he was given away with soap powder, I think.
25:56Yeah, sunlight soap powder.
25:57So the painting was actually purchased by Lord Leverhulme,
26:00and Leon Sunlight Soap.
26:02And it became often the only piece of art in a Welsh home.
26:06Is that why all my family has it?
26:08I didn't realise!
26:09Yes!
26:10God, this is a revelation, isn't it?
26:11Yeah, yeah.
26:12And my uncle was amongst the dirtiest people I've ever...
26:15LAUGHTER
26:17It's a painting from 1908.
26:18It's called Salem, and it is by Sidney Vosper.
26:20It depicts the Salem Baptist Chapel.
26:22Oh, in North Wales, yeah.
26:23It's in Gwynedd.
26:24For years, I was told the reason you could see the devil in her shawl
26:28was that she was late for chapel.
26:30Yes.
26:31Then someone pointed out to me that, if you look at the clock,
26:33she's actually about five minutes early.
26:35LAUGHTER
26:37How many faces can you see in this picture?
26:39Oh, well, there's one, two, three, four, five...
26:41There's seven, eight, nine, eight, eight.
26:43Oh, there's someone in the window.
26:45That's it. Let's have a quick look.
26:46So, if I just come over and show you...
26:48So, if you have a look...
26:49LAUGHTER
26:51LAUGHTER
26:53LAUGHTER
26:55Do you want to piggyback?
26:56Manu, have we got a ladder, darling?
26:58Can I have a ladder to get...?
26:59LAUGHTER
27:00Can I have a ladder?
27:01LAUGHTER
27:02Seriously?
27:03LAUGHTER
27:09Oh, this is rather good, isn't it?
27:10Oh, that is good.
27:11LAUGHTER
27:12Low pressure, high pressure.
27:14LAUGHTER
27:15So, there's supposed to be a face there, but also,
27:17what were you saying, Griff?
27:18You were saying about in the shawl?
27:20Yes, apparently, there's a face.
27:21So, theoretically, this is the beard here, and this is the eye,
27:25and this is the horn of the devil, but I don't know.
27:28The painter said he must be denied it and said there was no such thing.
27:31Was that a thing in your family?
27:32Did you say that there was a devil in the...
27:33Oh, yeah, yeah.
27:34Oh, yes, oh.
27:35I was also told that if you could see the devil, that meant you were cursed.
27:38But that's what happens when you have two big brothers!
27:40LAUGHTER
27:42In some past years, they obviously had red shawls,
27:44because the famous story of the last invasion of Britain...
27:47Yes.
27:48..of Fiscard.
27:491797.
27:50That's right.
27:51The French army all camped out on one hill,
27:53and the women of Fiscard, they stood on the hill in Llenunde,
27:59and they looked over at the French,
28:01and the French thought that the British grenadiers had arrived,
28:06because they all had red shawls and tall hats.
28:10And if you see the two things together,
28:12if you see the guards that they were expecting
28:14and the women with their tall hats on, then you think,
28:16well, no, fair enough, I think...
28:17I...knowing Welsh women as well as I do,
28:19if I saw a load of them standing on a hill, I'd be like,
28:21I'm going home.
28:22Yeah, yeah.
28:23LAUGHTER
28:24A Welsh Hindu can take a French army.
28:26Yeah.
28:27LAUGHTER
28:29The idea was that, because it was after the French Revolution,
28:31that the Welsh would rise up...
28:33Yeah.
28:34..against the English.
28:35And all they had to do was arrive with a boatload of soldiers,
28:38and the Welsh would go,
28:39Yes, we hate the English.
28:40Yes, where was you?
28:41Let's throw off the oppressors.
28:42But the Welsh hated the French more.
28:45LAUGHTER
28:48Their food has too much flavour!
28:50LAUGHTER
28:52Does anybody know how Welsh costume came to look like that?
28:56Wasn't it Lady Llanova?
28:58Yes, so it's not a genuinely old thing.
29:00Yeah.
29:01It's 19th century.
29:02Augusta Waddington, she married Lord...
29:04Llanova.
29:05Llanova.
29:06She became Baroness Llanova.
29:07And she came up with this idea of the tall black beaver hat and so on.
29:11And the red shawl is to show off the Welsh wool.
29:13She made her staff wear it.
29:15Yes, yeah.
29:16She made one for the men as well, but her husband wouldn't wear it,
29:18so it didn't really take off.
29:20Well, on St David's Day, when you grow up in Wales,
29:22everyone goes to...
29:23Yeah.
29:24The girls will put one of these hats on,
29:25but there's...
29:26Cos there is no dress for the boys,
29:29they just sort of make them look poor.
29:31Yeah.
29:32Well, it's either that or like a sort of regional rugby shirt.
29:36It's called the Ospreys or something.
29:38Let's go back to the Salem picture for one minute.
29:41We were talking about the hats.
29:42How many hats are depicted in the painting?
29:45One, two, three, four hats there.
29:52No, by the time this painting was done, so 1908,
29:56Welsh hats had gone out of favour.
29:58They were only able to find one,
29:59so everybody wore the same hat.
30:01I did a Welsh history module for my degree,
30:04and I remember reading that I were peasantry in terms of fashion.
30:09We were 150 years behind the English.
30:12I mean, I know the feeling.
30:15200 years ago, the French were defeated by a Welsh hat trick.
30:20What's the...
30:22Oh, no, you can't groan after a beat.
30:25It's not a satellite link.
30:28You've grown in quick as we're moving on.
30:30Yeah, we're moving on.
30:31What's the last...
30:34What's the last thing male whales need when they're having sex?
30:39Foreplay.
30:40Yeah.
30:41Because if it's extended, they're underwater and they're running out of breath, aren't they?
30:45You don't want a very long...
30:48Or do you go up, get a breather and come down and start all over again?
30:51Here's what I want you to think of.
30:52These creatures are the size of a fully loaded 18-wheeler truck, OK?
30:58And no one had ever seen them having sex.
31:03So two humpback whales, first time anybody had ever seen them having sex was in 2024.
31:072024?
31:08Yes, off the island of Maui in Hawaii because they mate in very, very deep water.
31:13This is the only time it has ever been seen that two humpback whales are having sex.
31:18And they're both boys.
31:20Yes.
31:21So the answer is what does a male whale not need to have sex?
31:26A female is the answer.
31:30Well, I just like the idea that the gay ones are just a bit more exhibitionist.
31:35They're like, should we go upstairs?
31:38It's so interesting that you say the gay ones because that is not how scientists think, right?
31:42So same-sex behaviour, it's known in at least 261 species.
31:47So it's in walruses and seals and dolphins.
31:49And all of the scientific speculation is, oh, they're playing, they made a mistake.
31:54He just fell.
31:57Reducing tension.
31:59What's a sperm whale?
32:02Tripped over.
32:03Anyway, so the documenting of same-sex behaviour has often been coloured by the moral code of the particular researcher.
32:12My favourite is a 1987 study of homosexual mating in monarch butterflies in the Atlas Mountains of Morocco,
32:19which was published as a note on the apparent lowering of moral standards in Lepidopatra.
32:28Male fruit flies have sex with each other in a conga line.
32:31I'm just saying.
32:32And that is a Welsh stag do, actually.
32:35Yeah.
32:37Never gonna go.
32:41In other breaking humpback news, they have recently been found to be using tools.
32:46So I define a tool for you.
32:48Using an external object that isn't attached to anything to change the shape, position or condition of something else.
32:55What tool might humpbacks use?
32:58Would it be a humpback scratcher?
33:00How big would that need to be?
33:03Fones.
33:04Fones.
33:05They're all on Tinder.
33:06They're all on...
33:07I wonder if it's something that they put on their head as like a weapon, you know, or to break ice or something like that.
33:11Get out of a net.
33:12So something to do with a net.
33:13Is there a way in which they might create a net of their own?
33:17OK, it's really clever.
33:19It's bubbles.
33:21So what they do is they dive down below the prey and they swim in circles and they release bubbles from their blowhole.
33:28Have a look at this.
33:29This is incredible.
33:30It creates a rising curtain in which the prey, so we're talking about krill and small fish, they can't or they won't swim through it.
33:37And then they swim up through the middle and catch.
33:40I mean, it's unbelievably clever.
33:42And they can shrink the mesh size, if you like, in order to make it harder for the prey to escape.
33:47I like that we've gone back to the porn picture.
33:49Well, I think, surely, if you're going to hide anything behind a net, make it whatever's going on over here.
33:54I know.
33:55Other tool users, of course, some of my favourites.
33:57The chimps, they use sticks to dig up termites.
33:59Sea otters, they use stones to crack open clouds.
34:02I love this one.
34:03Dolphins put a sponge on their nose when they're foraging on the seabed.
34:09Going like that, so they don't hurt their nose.
34:11Oh!
34:12Right?
34:13Who suddenly didn't want to be with a dolphin at that moment?
34:16Lovely.
34:17Humpback food comes bubble wrapped.
34:20From bubbles to baubles.
34:29Have a look at these crowns.
34:31The one on the left is Queen Mary's crown.
34:34And the diamond in the front there is the Kui Nur, the fabled treasure of the Mughal emperors.
34:40The one on the right is the Imperial State Crown.
34:42So the red star on the front is known as the Black Prince's ruby and like the Kui Nur diamond it comes originally from Afghanistan.
34:48It was actually worn by Henry V at the Battle of Agincourt.
34:51But have a look now at the golden orb atop the coronet of the Prince of Wales.
34:57Where do you think that came from?
35:00Was that designed by Lord Snowden who had a lot to do with the Prince of Wales and that investiture?
35:07Didn't he design everything to do with it?
35:09Well, so it didn't happen until 1969 this particular one was designed.
35:13So it is perfectly possible that he had to do it because the original one was purloined by Edward VIII when he abdicated and took it away.
35:19So they had to have a brand new coronet and they couldn't get it to work because they kept trying to make this beautiful golden orb at the top.
35:28So what did they do in the end, do you think?
35:31Did they just spray paint the ball that's inside a toilet cistern?
35:36I mean, you're not far off.
35:39Is it Elizabeth Duke?
35:43It's a ping-pong ball.
35:45Is it?
35:46No!
35:47Yes, it's a ping-pong ball.
35:49They kept trying to make one and it kept falling apart and then somebody thought,
35:52wait a minute, a ping-pong ball is the perfect size, so they electro-plated a ping-pong ball.
35:58It's a art attack, isn't it?
36:00Like Neil Buchanan.
36:01I know, Neil Buchanan.
36:02Absolutely right.
36:03Only the best for Wales.
36:08They've conquered whole kingdoms to get hold of diamonds and rubies.
36:13But when it comes to Wales, a ping-pong ball.
36:16We'll have a ping-pong ball.
36:17Anybody know the Welsh for ping-pong?
36:19No, go on.
36:20Want me to help you?
36:21Yeah, go on.
36:22It's ping-pong.
36:23Right, time for general ignorance.
36:26Staying with our Wales theme for a moment, older viewers may remember John Redwood, MP,
36:32when he was the Welsh secretary miming to the Welsh national anthem.
36:38Unfortunately, we were not allowed to show the video of it.
36:43It's been used so many times.
36:45Take the piss out of John Redwood that it now breaks BBC impartiality guidelines to show it.
36:52I get cold chills when I see it because when I went to high school,
36:54we had to learn the Welsh national anthem and I just, I didn't speak any Welsh
36:58and I was really struggling with it and I, my punishment was I had to go back in on my own
37:03and sing it one-on-one to me.
37:05Oh!
37:06Oh, my goodness.
37:07I know, it was horrific, but she's dead now, so...
37:12Do you, can you sing the Welsh national anthem?
37:14My hand's laden had I an unwillingly need.
37:18Oh, that's fantastic.
37:20No, that's as much as I know.
37:22So, looking at this picture and springing off it,
37:28what I really want to know is which state has the most Redwoods?
37:33Ooh!
37:35Darling.
37:36It's got to be California, isn't it?
37:43Oregon?
37:44Er, no.
37:45Oh!
37:48Is it even in North America?
37:49No.
37:50No.
37:51Sussex.
37:55You get the point.
37:56But!
38:03So, not just Sussex, it's in the UK, which is a national state.
38:06The UK has many, many more Redwoods than, for example, California.
38:09The UK Forestry Commission estimate that there are half a million Redwoods
38:13in Britain, and there's about 80,000 in California.
38:16So, they were introduced in the 1850s by the Victorians,
38:19and the Victorians brought thousands of seeds and saplings from the United States.
38:24So, the ones in the US have had longer to grow, which means that they are taller.
38:29So, some of them reach up to nearly 300 feet in the United States.
38:33The tallest one in the UK is in Centre Parks in Longleat Forest in Wiltshire.
38:38It's 170 years old, and it's about 177 feet.
38:41But they can live for up to 2,000 years, and I fear we will get there.
38:45We will get there.
38:46Plenty of time to catch up.
38:48But if you think about that, there are Redwoods in California that have existed for 2,000 years.
38:53So, they were growing at the time of Socrates and Alexander the Great.
38:58The tallest one is the Hyperion, which is the one in the United States.
39:01It's taller than St Paul's Cathedral.
39:03While we are talking nature, what turns sunlight into food most efficiently?
39:08Photosynthesis.
39:10Oh, very good. Yes.
39:12I feel like I finished the game and I could leave.
39:31You completed QI. Well done.
39:34So, photosynthesis, but where is this taking place, this photosynthesis?
39:38In a plant.
39:39One step forward, two steps back.
39:46So, we need to be down underneath the water.
39:50So, giant clams and algae have one of the most gorgeous relationships that you could possibly imagine.
39:58So, this is the mouth of a giant clam, and they're quite complicated inside.
40:02They have a proper kidney and a heart and reproductive system and anuses and all of the stuff.
40:06Plural.
40:07Plural.
40:08The clam absorbs nitrogen, which the algae needs, and it then gets the sugar and all the byproducts from photosynthesis, and the clam spreads the goodness of this via their poo.
40:21They work together.
40:23It is absolutely vital for the reef ecosystem.
40:26And what I love is that the clam not only kind of looks after the algae, it moves it around so that it gets the best light at all times.
40:36It's lovely, isn't it?
40:37It's like having a conservatory on the side of your house that just goes and goes like this.
40:40And what do they do on Valentine's Day?
40:43I mean, that's private, I think.
40:46But their efficiency is phenomenal, so how well they convert light to energy is 67% and even tropical leaves only manage 14%.
40:54People who think they know all about photosynthesis should learn to climb up.
41:01And finally, can you name any prime minister who was born in Wales?
41:07Lloyd George.
41:08No.
41:09So, he was the only one to speak Welsh as the first language.
41:16Only one of any political party who was Welsh, but he was born in Manchester.
41:20So, not him.
41:21Can I say, he was a rather good guy, Lloyd George, that's why we're looking at a picture of him.
41:25He is thought pretty much to have been the person who is responsible for winning World War One, but he introduced state pensions for the first time.
41:32He did lots of very, very good things.
41:34His Education Act, which was excellent, raised the school leaving age to 14, which was thought radical at the time.
41:39What I like about him is that he went on a trip to Canada in 1899 and he shaved off his moustache.
41:45And when he got back to the House of Commons, they wouldn't let him in.
41:49So, we're still looking for any prime minister born in Wales.
41:54Yes.
41:55Oh.
41:56Callaghan?
41:57Callaghan is not the right answer.
41:59As it happens, it is a friend of mine and I texted and I said, would you send us a message?
42:05And here it is.
42:06Hi, my name's Julia Gillard.
42:08I was the 27th Prime Minister of Australia and yes, I was born in Barrie, Wales.
42:13Alan, I really hope you got that right.
42:16She's a very good woman and it was very kind of her to do it.
42:28I did appreciate it.
42:29Julia Gillard was born in Old South Wales, which brings us to the scores.
42:35In first place, our Princess of Wales, Wales and Wales tonight with three whole points is Kiri.
42:46In second place, slightly blue on the whale front with minus one, it's Ellis.
42:51In third place, wailing and weeping with minus nine, it's Griff.
42:59And in last place, wail, wail, wail, it's Moby Dickhead.
43:04It's minus 48, it's Alan.
43:25Well, that's all from Ellis, Griff, Kiri and Alan and I leave you with these wise words from award-winning writer Dave Barry.
43:32If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain Wales?
43:36Good night.
43:37APPLAUSE
44:07Thank you very much.
44:09Hello.
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