Skip to playerSkip to main content
chtv38
  • 20 hours ago
Have.I.Got.News.for.You.S70E09

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00You're not wearing a dog collar?
00:01Oh, well noticed, though.
00:02Yeah, I'm going commando these days.
00:04LAUGHTER
00:06Richard and I go back a long way.
00:08We were in the communards together.
00:09LAUGHTER
00:17Still a bastard.
00:19LAUGHTER
00:30APPLAUSE
01:00Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
01:03I am Professor Hannah Frye.
01:04In the news this week, after several sherrys too many
01:08in Yates' wine lodge, Liz Truss tries to attack the landlord
01:11for telling her she's barred.
01:19In Teddington, security camera footage finally reveals
01:22the identity of a creepy peeping Tom.
01:25And in Cumbridge Wells, there is a delicious sense of irony
01:42as the head of South East Water has to empty his block drains himself.
01:46And...
01:49LAUGHTER
01:52APPLAUSE
01:54On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who found fame
01:57by making shorts on YouTube.
01:59To be clear, that is comedy films, not a sewing channel.
02:02Please welcome Sidney Christie.
02:04APPLAUSE
02:09On Paul's team tonight is a writer, retired vicar and former pop star
02:13who says he now sticks his money in ISIS rather than up his nose.
02:17LAUGHTER
02:18The way things are going there, Richard, up your nose sounds far safer.
02:21Please welcome Reverend Richard Cole.
02:23APPLAUSE
02:24We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:26Ian and Finlay, here's yours.
02:27Hmm.
02:28New kind of AI.
02:29LAUGHTER
02:30That's Pinocchio.
02:31Yes.
02:32And that's someone who does not lie.
02:33And this is the Prime Minister.
02:34It is.
02:35Is that the level that this quiz has reached?
02:36We are now asked to identify who the Prime Minister is?
02:38LAUGHTER
02:39Is this the fallout from the budget?
02:40It is the fallout from the budget, absolutely.
02:41Well, yes.
02:42The Chancellor has been accused of lying.
02:43Yes.
02:44Suggesting that things were worse with the economy than she said,
02:46and that gave her the chance to raise taxes and spend more money.
02:47She thought, yeah, the black hole was not as big as she thought,
02:51but to be fair, black holes are normally massive.
02:52LAUGHTER
02:53Absolutely right.
02:54The final OBR report on the 31st October told Reeves that she was on course for a surplus
02:55of £4.2 billion, but four days later, the final OBR report was the
03:00dollar from the budget, absolutely.
03:01Yes.
03:02The Chancellor has been accused of lying.
03:03Yes.
03:04Suggesting that things were worse with the economy than she said, and that gave her
03:07the chance to raise taxes and spend more money.
03:09She thought, yeah, the black hole was not as big as she thought, but to be fair,
03:13black holes are normally massive.
03:15LAUGHTER
03:16Absolutely right.
03:17The final OBR report on the 31st October told Reeves that she was on course for a
03:21$4.2 billion, but four days later, she went on TV to tell us we're all doomed.
03:27Yes.
03:28And the extra money comes from the fact that she's given such large wage
03:31settlements to people, they have to pay taxes, so she's got more money than
03:35she thought she might have, which she didn't notice.
03:38So I think the answer is put everybody's wages up endlessly.
03:42LAUGHTER
03:43I'm not an economist.
03:45APPLAUSE
03:47You see, populism is incredibly easy.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:53So the economy is maybe not as bad as we thought, but what message of hope
03:57did the government have for young people this week?
04:00I didn't hear it.
04:02LAUGHTER
04:04I'm surprised you missed this, actually, Finlay, because Cabinet Office
04:06Minister Josh Simmonds said this week that the economic outlook for the
04:10under-50s is, frankly, shit.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:16Apparently, I am going to be richer on a state pension at 106 than you
04:22will be in your biggest earning year at 45, because you'll have to pay
04:26back so much interest on your student loan, after you had one.
04:29OK.
04:30Why are you getting paid for this show?
04:32LAUGHTER
04:33Well, I mean, vicars have paid an absolute fortune.
04:36LAUGHTER
04:37I mean, it's just loaded, all those years working for the C of E.
04:40Ah!
04:41LAUGHTER
04:42How easy is it to be a vicar?
04:44LAUGHTER
04:45If you look around at the bench of bishops, you'll see it's a
04:48very low bar indeed.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:51I'm down. Listen, I'm...
04:53Fuck this.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:55You've already got the lingo.
04:57LAUGHTER
04:58I think that the best response to the Budget actually came from
05:08Suffolk Police and Crime Commissioner Tim Passmore.
05:11Oh, yeah.
05:12You know him?
05:13No.
05:14Oh.
05:15Yeah, he's this guy.
05:16I've just been listening to the Budget and Rachel Reeves coming to you.
05:19And I'm getting fed up with more and more taxes on everything
05:23that is done.
05:24I think the tourist idea...
05:26The idea of a tourist tax is complete nonsense.
05:29We've got to control welfare spending and stop putting extra taxes up.
05:33LAUGHTER
05:35He's a police commissioner.
05:38And a swinger, obviously.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:43Up.
05:45See where the word up is placed?
05:48LAUGHTER
05:50It's code.
05:52Quite easy to crack.
05:54So, police commissioners are being scrapped, aren't they?
05:57Yeah.
05:58Because they've been decided they're a waste of money.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02And there he is proving his worth.
06:03Indeed.
06:04Oh, my God.
06:05Out on the swings.
06:06Looking after our kids.
06:08LAUGHTER
06:11Now, you made that joke up yourself.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:15Your fault.
06:16Which Labour MP got in trouble this week?
06:18George Williams.
06:19No.
06:20No.
06:21I bet it sounded like it was a Labour MP though, didn't I?
06:22You did.
06:23Almost had me.
06:24Yeah.
06:25Is this Tulip Sadiq?
06:26It is Tulip Sadiq.
06:27Oh, yeah.
06:28She's in trouble because she was found guilty of corruption in
06:31Bangladesh and sentenced to two years in jail.
06:34Here is Tulip Sadiq with her aunt and an awkward plus one.
06:38LAUGHTER
06:39David Lammy, did he have any big news this week?
06:41Scrapping juries.
06:42Oh, yeah.
06:43Justice.
06:44There's a huge backlog in trials.
06:46Some people who have been charged now won't be tried for
06:49another five years.
06:50Absolutely.
06:51There's also another 12 prisoners that have been...
06:53Yes.
06:54Accidentally released.
06:55Mm.
06:56The last three weeks.
06:57So clumsy.
06:59Two of them, by the way, still at large.
07:01But he could halve that number if he just accepted that
07:04Bangladeshi extradition request.
07:06LAUGHTER
07:08But there's been a certain amount of debate about whether
07:12scrapping juries is a good idea.
07:14Mm.
07:15Because then it's just a judge.
07:16That's better, though, surely.
07:18Not in my experience.
07:19Really?
07:20LAUGHTER
07:25I'm quite keen on jury.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28They're just not keen on you, are they?
07:30No.
07:31Shame.
07:32Shame.
07:33I feel like there's no other job where, like, your job can be
07:35done by just 12 random people.
07:37We're going for surgery and then, like, we've got a primary
07:40school teacher...
07:42LAUGHTER
07:43..and a bin man.
07:44We're going to just bring them up to speed on how to do it.
07:46LAUGHTER
07:47We really don't know much about the bishops of the Church of
07:49England, do we?
07:50LAUGHTER
07:53Finally, what did Scottish Labour councillor Hanif Rajah try
07:56to get away with doing on a work Zoom call recently?
07:59He had nothing from the waist down.
08:01And Yodel came to the door and the rest is history.
08:03Yeah.
08:04LAUGHTER
08:05If that doesn't happen, we'll be fine.
08:07LAUGHTER
08:10Do you want to see the clip?
08:11No, go on.
08:12Can you see the slide OK and hear me?
08:14Yes, thanks.
08:15Perfect.
08:16LAUGHTER
08:17So, this application relates to the...
08:21Before we start, Bailey Raja, are you aware that your camera is live?
08:26LAUGHTER
08:27The thing is, another councillor was shouting at him, log out, log out.
08:37And he was like, that's what I'm trying to do!
08:40APPLAUSE
08:41This is the news that, whether we are talking about OBR reports or
08:44prisoners, the government can't stop things being released too early.
08:50According to one poll on the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
08:54two-thirds of the public think Rachel Reeves should resign,
08:57to which a concerned Reeves remarked, blimey, that is nearly 50%.
09:01LAUGHTER
09:02One of those calling for Reeves' resignation was former Bank of England
09:11economist Andrew Sentence, although the full reasons why she should quit
09:15were laid out by his colleague Chris Paragra.
09:17LAUGHTER
09:19Defending her attacks on Rachel Reeves, Tory leader Kemi Badenoch
09:23said it wasn't her job to provide emotional support,
09:26something she regularly reminds her children.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:32Also this week, a Labour politician was seen sitting on the toilet
09:35after leaving his camera on during a meeting.
09:38Hanif Rajar is a councillor for Pollock Shields.
09:41Given the angle of that camera, he could have done with a pair of those.
09:45LAUGHTER
09:47APPLAUSE
09:49OK.
09:50APPLAUSE
09:52Paul and Richard, here's yours.
09:54OK, there's Jeremy Corbyn, they're launching a new party
09:57and there's the choices of names, Popular Alliance, Your Party,
10:00and this is...
10:01Which one of them is clapping in time?
10:03You can't really tell, can you?
10:05LAUGHTER
10:06It's been quite chaotic, the launch of Your Party,
10:08as the names have settled on.
10:10They don't have one individual leader.
10:11There's a committee of people, isn't there,
10:13that's leading the party at the moment.
10:14Absolutely right.
10:15This is the newly formed hard left party, Your Party,
10:18originally set up by Labour rebels, Jeremy Corbyn and Zahra Sultana.
10:22Now, of course, the hard left, they hate being made fun of.
10:25So, let's begin...
10:27Yeah.
10:28..with a montage of the best bits of the conference.
10:31Fine.
10:32For the many, we must organise.
10:37Consider about it.
10:40Talked a lot about the toxic politics of the Labour Party,
10:42but I tell you, there's some toxic politics...
10:44We are going to have to turn the mic off.
10:47LAUGHTER
10:49Please speak to the option.
10:51I am speaking to the option.
10:53You can see that.
10:54I'm addressing people's concerns.
10:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
11:00No booing conference.
11:02If you behave badly and are unkind,
11:06there will be consequences.
11:08LAUGHTER
11:09Oh, conference.
11:11Dear, dear, dear.
11:13LAUGHTER
11:15Dear.
11:16Those were the highlights.
11:18LAUGHTER
11:19What is the party called officially?
11:21Your party.
11:22Yeah.
11:23Absolutely.
11:24And I'll cry if I want to.
11:25LAUGHTER
11:26It's such a bad name, isn't it?
11:28The worst kind of party is one that you're having.
11:31LAUGHTER
11:33Nobody wants...
11:34Oh, there's a party.
11:35Oh, where?
11:36Yours.
11:37It should be called someone else's party.
11:39Yeah.
11:40Calling it your party when the two leaders both think it's my party.
11:43LAUGHTER
11:44It's not good.
11:45But they had a vote and they've decided that neither of the two people
11:48who set up the party should sit on the committee that runs the party.
11:52The new party organisers, they didn't want to disintegrate into
11:55warring factions so soon.
11:56No.
11:57Oh, really?
11:58So they decided to reject anyone who they thought was a member of
12:01another party.
12:02So the Socialist Workers Party.
12:04Yeah.
12:05The People's Front of Judea.
12:06LAUGHTER
12:07Although I think they were not welcome for other reasons.
12:11Yes.
12:12What are your party's members vulnerable to?
12:16Reality.
12:17LAUGHTER
12:19Showers.
12:20Um...
12:21LAUGHTER
12:23Apparently being seduced by Zach Polanski.
12:25Oh, yeah.
12:26He's a Svengali of the Green Party.
12:28Yeah, he was meant to be here tonight.
12:30Yeah.
12:31He absolutely was.
12:32And then he chicken...
12:33Sorry, tofu'd out.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:35APPLAUSE
12:42Is that actually...
12:44When he was supposed to be coming on, he messaged me on Instagram.
12:47He was like, great to see we're on together on Have I Got News For You.
12:49He said, um, be nice to me and I'll be your friend.
12:54Go ahead, didn't say that to me.
12:56LAUGHTER
12:58But, yeah, I think he was scared.
13:00I think that's why I didn't come.
13:01Stay ducking me, Zach.
13:02I'm coming for you.
13:03LAUGHTER
13:04Yeah.
13:05I'm just learning to live with the fact that I'm the second choice after Zach Polanski.
13:10LAUGHTER
13:11Well, third, actually.
13:13No, sorry.
13:14LAUGHTER
13:15Eddie the Eagle busy again.
13:17To be honest, we tried to get sooty.
13:19Yeah.
13:20And Roman Polanski.
13:22LAUGHTER
13:23He always gets my gigs, bastard.
13:25Yeah.
13:26Yeah.
13:27In other news, what has former Conservative Vice Chairman and MP for Stoke-on-Trent,
13:32Jonathan Gullis, done?
13:33Joint Reform.
13:34Correct.
13:35How welcoming has the Reform Party been to people like Jonathan Gullis?
13:39Well, they can afford to be very welcoming now because they've just got 9 million quid from that dodgy bloke who gave Boris Johnson a million quid and Boris Johnson gave him an £80 million defence contract, allegedly.
13:50Mm-hm.
13:51Mm-hm.
13:52Good luck with the jury.
13:54LAUGHTER
13:56APPLAUSE
13:59What has Nigel Farage done almost 2,000 times in the last 12 months?
14:04Is it that thing on the way you pay someone to say hello on the internet thing?
14:08Exactly.
14:09Cameo.
14:10Cameo.
14:11Yes.
14:12How much does he cost?
14:13Well, he earned £140,000 in 2025 from it, so 2,000 times.
14:16What do you reckon?
14:17I could phone my agent, is what I reckon.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:21Would you like to see one of his most famous ones?
14:23Yes, absolutely.
14:24Go on, then.
14:25Happy birthday, Hugh Janus.
14:27I've heard you're a massive fan.
14:29APPLAUSE
14:312,000 of those in the last 12 months.
14:37He just says whatever people want him to say.
14:39And he does cameos as well.
14:41LAUGHTER
14:43APPLAUSE
14:45This week, Nigel Farage produced letters from former schoolmates,
14:51defending him from allegations that his banter was malicious.
14:55On the Today programme, Richard Tice was asked about Nigel Farage's
14:59relationship with Hitler.
15:01LAUGHTER
15:02For the record, I don't think Farage has had much of a relationship
15:05with Hitler.
15:06I believe he's only read one of his books.
15:08LAUGHTER
15:09We should say Farage has denied all accusations of anti-Semitic bullying.
15:14LAUGHTER
15:18It was banter.
15:19Yeah.
15:20Surely you've seen that sort of banter.
15:21And I think if Zach Polanski had come tonight, he would have agreed.
15:25Yeah.
15:26Yeah.
15:27LAUGHTER
15:28This is the news that there is a new force on the far left.
15:32There were 2,500 delegates at the Your Party conference
15:35who had been selected via a lottery, advertised by the slogan,
15:39If you're really unlucky, it could be you.
15:42LAUGHTER
15:43And Your Party spokesperson said that the leadership model
15:46they wanted was not top-down but bottom-up.
15:49Hmm.
15:50But in the end, they arrived at a compromise.
15:52Tits-up.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:54APPLAUSE
15:56On to Round 2.
16:00Oh, yes.
16:01Backed by popular demand?
16:02Yes.
16:03This is the fishing mod of news.
16:05Backed by popular demand?
16:06LAUGHTER
16:07That's a straightforward Rachel Reeves.
16:09Yeah.
16:10How dare you?
16:11This has had an upgrade.
16:12We haven't seen the full special effect yet.
16:14Let's see the full special effect.
16:15Here we go.
16:16Here we go.
16:17Let's go fish some news, people.
16:18Fish some news, yeah.
16:19Oh, wrong way.
16:20Oh, hang on.
16:21It's broken.
16:22Here we go.
16:23Whoa.
16:24Hey!
16:27Well, that graphic didn't match what you were doing.
16:30That aside, this is a picture of a raccoon and it broke into somewhere,
16:35a bar, I think, fell through the ceiling,
16:37drunk all the liquor in the bar and fell asleep in the bathroom,
16:40completely pissed.
16:41Pissed as a raccoon.
16:43You are absolutely right.
16:45Left a trail of destruction, broken bottles all over the place
16:48and then, er, yeah, in the bathroom they found this.
16:51LAUGHTER
16:53It's a credit for him having made it to the bathroom.
16:58I agree.
16:59Also, I think someone's left the bin out for him,
17:01just in case he wants to draw up with that instead.
17:04Do you know how he was dealt with by the investigator?
17:06Picks him up in a sack, threw him over the fence.
17:08LAUGHTER
17:14Did they ring his family and say,
17:16can you come and pick him up?
17:19Apparently, according to the investigator,
17:20we safely secured our masked bandit
17:23and transported him back to the shelter to sober up before questioning.
17:26LAUGHTER
17:28On the subject of animals behaving badly...
17:30Yes.
17:31Who has got beef with Peppa Pig's dad?
17:33It's David Gandhi.
17:34It is David Gandhi!
17:36I don't even know who he is, but...
17:38LAUGHTER
17:39He looks so different to his great-grandad, Mahatma.
17:41LAUGHTER
17:43APPLAUSE
17:49Yeah, he complained, he said,
17:50Peppa Pig's dad is a very poor role model.
17:53Mm, he did.
17:54From what?
17:55As a pig.
17:56Yeah.
17:57He's a fictional cartoon pig,
17:59how can he be a role model for anybody?
18:01David Gandhi called Daddy Pig a useless fool.
18:04He said he makes fathers look pathetic,
18:07and gives children the wrong idea about men.
18:10This is, er...
18:11But it's a pig!
18:12I mean, sure.
18:13Fictional cartoon pig!
18:14I mean, there's a long tradition in comedy
18:17of useless and incapable of men.
18:19Because he doesn't, like, you know,
18:21go gym and...
18:23I don't know, drink Huel.
18:25LAUGHTER
18:26He needs to be...
18:27That's what men want as role models now.
18:29It's not a kind world, is it?
18:32Erm...
18:34Listen...
18:35That's a general point.
18:36Get used to it.
18:37LAUGHTER
18:39Sunshine.
18:40LAUGHTER
18:46Who is Peppa Pig's biggest fan, though?
18:49Oh, Boris Johnson.
18:50Absolutely Boris Johnson.
18:51At least he used to be.
18:53Yeah, he used to quote Peppa Pig in major economic speeches.
18:56He did.
18:57If only we had someone of that stature nowadays.
19:00There's a recent Telegraph podcast, though,
19:03he sounds a bit more jaded.
19:05OK.
19:06I've got four children under five, which is a lot.
19:08I know!
19:09Are you all right?
19:10How much Peppa Pig are you watching right now?
19:12Peppa...
19:13LAUGHTER
19:14Four children?
19:15Yeah.
19:16How is that?
19:17More like...
19:18LAUGHTER
19:19Yeah.
19:20Come on.
19:21Yeah.
19:22We're there.
19:23What did a children's TV programme inspire Wayne Rooney to do recently?
19:27I think I saw a photograph, but I can't think of what it was.
19:28On Radio 5 Live?
19:29Yes.
19:30He said that children's television had inspired him to get a vasectomy.
19:34Which character in particular do you know inspired Rooney to get the snip?
19:40Is this Peppa Pig's uncle?
19:42Who has a vasectomy in series four?
19:44Yeah.
19:45Apparently it was Mr Tumble from CBeebies.
19:47Now, if you are too old to know who the Tubby Clown is, here he is.
19:51And...
19:52LAUGHTER
19:53And...
19:54And...
19:55..and...
19:56who has a vasectomy in series four.
19:59Apparently, it was Mr Tumble from CBeebies.
20:04Now, if you are too old to know who the tubby clown is, here he is.
20:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
20:13And this is Mr Tumble. There you go.
20:17This is the raccoon in Virginia that smashed several bottles of booze,
20:21got drunk and passed out in the toilet.
20:23Here is the raccoon trying to sleep it off.
20:25In fact, he only woke up when he found he was being used to clean the bowl.
20:31LAUGHTER
20:33Supermodel David Gandhi says there aren't enough good examples
20:36for fathers to follow.
20:38Well, he certainly isn't one.
20:39No-one wants a dad who sits around in their pants all day.
20:42It's a very funny photograph.
20:44I wonder who stole my trousers.
20:52All right, fingers on buzzers. Fingers on buzzers.
20:54It's time to hook another one in.
20:56Uh, uh, uh...
21:02LAUGHTER
21:04Let's say we don't know.
21:06LAUGHTER
21:07Oh, it's talks between America and Russia.
21:09Russia doesn't want to give up any of its territory that it's won,
21:11and Ukraine doesn't want Russia to have the territory that it's won,
21:14and it's still going on.
21:15Absolutely.
21:16Do you know who turned up this week to try and sort it all out?
21:18Jared Kushner, Donald Trump's son-in-law.
21:20Mm-hm.
21:21And Steve Wyckoff as well.
21:22Yeah.
21:23Former real estate man.
21:24Mm.
21:25Yeah.
21:26Top-level diplomats.
21:27Yeah.
21:28To agree with...
21:29I mean, to...
21:30To...
21:31Negotiate with President Putin.
21:33And then they spent five hours locked in talks,
21:35after which Putin's foreign policy advisor,
21:38uh, Yuri Ushakov...
21:39Ushakov...
21:40Mm.
21:41Hang on, let me...
21:42LAUGHTER
21:44After which...
21:45It doesn't matter, he'll get another one next week.
21:47LAUGHTER
21:49The foreign policy advisor told the press,
21:52peace is no closer, but also no further away.
21:54Mm.
21:55But his reaction was positive.
21:57You know, they said, would you like peace in Ukraine?
22:00He said, I'd like to go to war with Europe.
22:02Mm.
22:03That's an advance.
22:05I think if Zack was here, he'd say that Trump should use nukes.
22:09LAUGHTER
22:12I think you've got his position nailed, haven't you?
22:15Yeah.
22:16Does anyone know what Steve Witkoff's nickname is?
22:19Wickey.
22:20LAUGHTER
22:21It's got to be Witless, hasn't it?
22:23According to The Independent, Western intelligence regard
22:26Witkoff as a Putin-loving liability,
22:29so they call him Dim Philby.
22:31LAUGHTER
22:33What does Donald Trump have no idea about?
22:36Anything.
22:37LAUGHTER
22:39Do you want it in alphabetical order?
22:41LAUGHTER
22:42You had an MRI scan.
22:43Oh, yes.
22:44He doesn't know which part of his body was examined.
22:46Exactly.
22:47But he said it was the best MRI that's ever been...
22:49Perfect.
22:50He said it was perfect.
22:51Let's hear it from Trump himself.
22:52Yeah.
22:53What part of your body was the MRI looking at you?
22:55I have no idea.
22:56It was just an MRI.
22:57What part of the body?
22:58It wasn't the brain because I took incognitifest
23:01and I aced it.
23:02I got a perfect mark, which you would be incapable of doing.
23:05Bye, everybody.
23:06You too.
23:07LAUGHTER
23:08It's the respect for women that just shines out, isn't it?
23:15Well, I can't see how the Peppa Pig dad is a worse role
23:18more than before.
23:19LAUGHTER
23:20Also this week, Melania Trump has unveiled this year's
23:23Christmas decorations at the White House.
23:25Oh, yes.
23:26The themed Christmas trees have been a tradition since the 1960s
23:29when Jackie Kennedy was inspired by the Nutcracker,
23:32or, as is better known, Lee Harvey Oswald.
23:35LAUGHTER
23:41Too soon?
23:47All right, guys, fingers on buzzers.
23:48Fingers on buzzers.
23:49Oh, yeah, all right.
23:50Here we go.
23:51Yeah.
23:52Oh, oh.
23:53Is the fact that it's a young person significant?
23:58It is.
23:59This is the news that Gen Z do not like Christmas traditions.
24:03In particular, they are not on board with sending Christmas cards.
24:07Ooh.
24:08Is this you, Finn?
24:09Yeah, no, I'm Muslim.
24:14I don't.
24:15Sending Christmas cards has become more expensive.
24:17One woman told the BBC that to send Christmas cards,
24:20she needed a mortgage.
24:22It's not the mortgage that's the problem,
24:23it's the stamp duty.
24:25Ooh.
24:26Ooh.
24:27Don't you moan at me.
24:31In related news, what do Gen Z not like about the office?
24:35They don't like going there.
24:36Very good.
24:37Yeah.
24:38Yeah.
24:39They don't like having to speak to humans.
24:40This is...
24:42That's everyone, is it?
24:43Born at a certain time.
24:44Everybody, I see.
24:45Do you agree, Finn?
24:46Yeah.
24:47Even when I was talking to Ian backstage,
24:48I was like, I wish this was just chat DPT.
24:50I was like...
24:51LAUGHTER
24:52I felt the same.
24:53Yeah.
24:54LAUGHTER
24:55APPLAUSE
24:57This is some research by Trinity College London that says,
25:0238% of Gen Z fear making small talk in the office.
25:05Does this count as work chat for you?
25:07Are you OK?
25:08Are you...
25:09I really want to get on my phone.
25:10LAUGHTER
25:11Do you like small talk?
25:14Well, yeah, I do, actually.
25:16Oh, I like, I like the interaction thing.
25:18Also, as a vicar, it's kind of lubricant for everything.
25:21LAUGHTER
25:22LAUGHTER
25:23LAUGHTER
25:25APPLAUSE
25:27LAUGHTER
25:30We would have seen that one coming, shouldn't we?
25:32You're making it worse!
25:34LAUGHTER
25:36On the subject of the church...
25:37Yeah.
25:38What does God like about Christmas?
25:40The tinsel.
25:41The sound of a biro on a gift aid form, I dare say.
25:44LAUGHTER
25:45That's a good answer.
25:47LAUGHTER
25:48That's a very good answer.
25:50APPLAUSE
25:51Well, according to the Dean of Salisbury, God is also a fan.
25:54Oh, yeah, and Christmas jumpers.
25:56Absolutely!
25:57LAUGHTER
25:58This is the very reverend Nicholas Papadopoulos, who writes that,
26:01while Christmas jumpers are tasteless, God is tasteless too!
26:05LAUGHTER
26:06Finally, what special treat have supermarket Aldi released for Christmas?
26:11Is it their new advert?
26:13It's actually dog mince pies.
26:16To be clear...
26:17Made out of dogs!
26:18LAUGHTER
26:19Oh, that's lovely!
26:21The other way round.
26:22The other way round.
26:23Mince pies for dogs.
26:24Oh, sorry.
26:25Which is actually how they went down with their taste testers.
26:26Yeah, yeah.
26:27I mean, they literally couldn't give a shit.
26:30LAUGHTER
26:31Muslim dogs.
26:32LAUGHTER
26:35I don't think that's photoshopped in, though, because those dogs
26:38would not be looking away from the mince pies.
26:40No.
26:41Unless they're disgusting.
26:42Have you ever known a dog...
26:44My dog used to eat shit.
26:45LAUGHTER
26:46APPLAUSE
26:52This is where you turn up, this could be Zach Polanski sitting there.
26:55LAUGHTER
26:56I bet he wouldn't say I used to give a shit to my dog.
27:00LAUGHTER
27:01You know, fake green.
27:02LAUGHTER
27:03Time now for the odd one out round.
27:06Just one between you this week.
27:08Your four are...
27:09Robert F Kennedy, Jr, Lord Byron, Ryan Giggs and the Taliban.
27:13BUZZER
27:16Go ahead.
27:17Poetry.
27:18Oh!
27:19Poetry.
27:20Robert Kennedy wrote poems to a woman who's now an ex-lover of his
27:22and they were pretty awful.
27:24Ryan Giggs, when he wasn't knocking off his brother's wife,
27:26was writing poetry.
27:27LAUGHTER
27:29I love you like no other.
27:30Watch out, here comes your brother.
27:31LAUGHTER
27:37Lord Byron, of course, famous as a poet.
27:39Mad, bad and dangerous to know.
27:40So I imagine they've all had poems printed or published or wrote poems
27:44and the Taliban have banned poetry, must be the answer.
27:46Absolutely.
27:47A specific type of poetry.
27:49It's love poetry.
27:50It is love poetry.
27:51It's a romantic poetry.
27:52It's not all poetry.
27:53This is true.
27:54I'm just saying, cos we're behind and we need the points.
27:56LAUGHTER
27:57MashaAllah.
28:02Yeah, this is an uncharacteristic display of cultural authoritarianism
28:06by the Taliban.
28:07Their vice and virtue department are enforcing a new poetry law
28:11which prohibits depicting improper desires, worldly love
28:15or inappropriate emotions, as well as any criticism
28:18of their supreme leader.
28:20Hibatullah... Oh, my God.
28:25Hang on.
28:26This is why women aren't allowed to speak in public.
28:29LAUGHTER
28:35Oh, the pressure.
28:37They don't mind, they're very liberal.
28:41As well as any criticism of their supreme leader,
28:43Hibatullah Akhansada.
28:45To be fair, though, that is a right pain to rhyme with, that one,
28:48isn't it?
28:49Yeah.
28:50LAUGHTER
28:51So, throw the stones harder.
28:54LAUGHTER
28:55To Akhansada.
29:00Who has US Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
29:03been writing poetry for?
29:04He was an ex-lover of his.
29:06Mm.
29:07I think her name was Emily something.
29:08It's Olivia Nuzzi.
29:09Oh, right.
29:10I thought it was Typhoid Mary.
29:11LAUGHTER
29:14They had an affair, allegedly, in 2023.
29:18Yeah.
29:19And the poetry has been published as a revenge.
29:21Could you read it out?
29:22Because I've read it and...
29:24I can't.
29:25LAUGHTER
29:26I'm a red-blooded fella.
29:27Sorry about the rebella.
29:29LAUGHTER
29:31Here we go.
29:32I am a river.
29:33You are my canyon.
29:34I mean to flow through you.
29:35I mean to subdue and tame you.
29:36What?
29:37We've got Brian Giggs, who loved poetry as well.
29:38Oh, wow.
29:39Anyone know any of his lines?
29:40His famous...
29:41His famous penned romance?
29:42I wept off her bra, but it's on VAR.
29:43LAUGHTER
29:44How did he do it?
29:45This is so good.
29:46This is during a trial in 2022.
29:48Jurors at Manchester Crown Court were tormented effectively with these poems that he wrote to his ex-girlfriend Kate Greville.
29:55Here's one of them.
30:01I am going to end by saying, you are my love, my friend, my soul.
30:07Do you want to guess what comes next?
30:08What rhymes with soul?
30:10Kate Greville. Here's one of them.
30:12I'm going to end by saying,
30:14you are my love, my friend, my soul.
30:17Do you want to guess what comes next?
30:19What rhymes with soul?
30:23Back of the net, I've scored a goal.
30:26And most of all, you believe in me,
30:29which makes me feel as hard as a totem.
30:32Oh!
30:40Does that actually have, like, faces and figures sticking out of it?
30:45In his love poetry, Giggs described his penis
30:48as being as hard as a totem pole,
30:50which presumably means he couldn't bend it like Beckham.
30:55Time now for the missing words round.
30:57We are starting with...
31:02Reveal Fergie stitched inside.
31:05Surprise adds curtains from royal residence
31:09to be turned into Christmas stockings.
31:12Here are the stockings from Sandringham Estates.
31:14The King's curtains were originally white,
31:16but Camilla's clearly allowed to smoke indoors.
31:22Finally, 20-foot-tall naked man what?
31:25Finds out he's not actually invisible.
31:29Surprise is a woman looking out a second-floor window.
31:31It says it just looks small because I'm big.
31:38This is 20-foot-tall naked man terrorising Wigan once again.
31:45This is after being previously banned by the council.
31:47The 20-foot golden statue is back.
31:49Here it is.
31:51The owner of the statue says he's put it back up
31:53to spread some Christmas cheer.
31:56I don't know about the ding, but that dong is merrily on high.
31:59Which means the final scores this week are...
32:03Ian and Finlay have three.
32:06God!
32:07Paul and Richard have six.
32:08APPLAUSE
32:14But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
32:17Ian and Finlay, you've got this.
32:18Man arrested for breaking into every house in the world.
32:21APPLAUSE
32:25Paul and Richard, you get this one.
32:27I can't help but feel I've wasted my life.
32:29LAUGHTER
32:33On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
32:35Ian Hislop and Finlay Christie.
32:36Paul Merton and the Reverend Richard Coles.
32:37And I leave you with news that at a work dinner, one employee
32:38helps a visiting colleague locate spicy McNuggets on the venue.
32:40LAUGHTER
32:41LAUGHTER
32:42On the set of the new Harry Potter series, Prince William meets
32:44the Goblin Operator and one of her gnarled and wizened animatronic creatures.
32:49LAUGHTER
32:50And outside a Moscow underground station, one commuter regrets
32:52asking a busker for Stairway to Heaven.
32:53LAUGHTER
32:54Good night.
32:55APPLAUSE
33:18Good night.
33:25The man, the myth, the moustache.
33:32Defrosted and ready for action, Mammoth is back for a new series.
33:35Press red to watch now.
33:36And fresh from his faithful exploits in the castle,
33:39listen to Joe Marlow, we'll see you now.
33:41A new podcast now on BBC Sounds.
33:44APPLAUSE
33:55...
Be the first to comment
Add your comment