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Tv, Allo Allo S5E08 - The Long-Distance Duck
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00:00You find me lying here
00:29like a derelict old bum
00:31and it might be
00:32that you think
00:33my appearance mystifying.
00:35The reason is as follows.
00:37I fell off the back of a lorry
00:38or more accurately
00:40I was thrown off
00:41the back of a lorry
00:41by Denise LaRocque,
00:43the head of the
00:43communist resistance
00:44who is madly in love with me.
00:47But for the intervention
00:48of my wife Edith
00:49and my waitresses
00:49she would have married me.
00:51She has now sworn
00:52to have her revenge
00:53upon these interfering females
00:55by killing them.
00:56I'd love to break the news
00:57to them and warn them.
00:59Stop!
01:05I am acting on the orders
01:06of Herr Flick.
01:08It was the people
01:09who threw you out
01:10of that truck.
01:11The communist resistance?
01:14No, no.
01:15They were wholesale
01:16vegetable sellers.
01:17We fell out
01:18over the price
01:19of spring greens.
01:20At least I fell out.
01:25Move along!
01:26You are causing
01:29an obstruction.
01:31Piddle your religious
01:32massages elsewhere.
01:36The end of the world
01:38is nigh!
01:40Vengeance is mine!
01:42And a little bit
01:43of what you fancy
01:44does you good!
01:45I have the British
01:48airmen
01:49in a sill
01:50at the police station.
01:52Well, keep them there.
01:55I cannot.
01:55To detone them
01:56more than 24 hours
01:58is against the loo.
02:01I will return them
02:02to you
02:03as soon as pissable.
02:04Yes, and I shall
02:08send them back
02:09to you
02:09as soon as pissable.
02:15Rene, you are back.
02:17Thank heavens
02:18you are safe.
02:19We saw you
02:19taken onto the truck.
02:21I thought I would
02:22never see you again.
02:23I have bad news.
02:24The lives of those
02:25nearest and dearest
02:26to me
02:26are in danger.
02:28Do they know
02:28where I live?
02:30Not you, Edith,
02:32and the girls.
02:32Why are our lives
02:33in danger?
02:34Because you all
02:35contrive to screw up
02:36my wedding to
02:36Mamsel La Roque.
02:37She is not pleased.
02:38She has vowed
02:39to kill you all.
02:40You first.
02:42Right.
02:43That is it.
02:45The Spanish border
02:46cannot be far away.
02:48If I walk all day
02:49and crawl all night,
02:51I should be there
02:51by Christmas.
02:53You will never
02:54get to the end
02:55of the street.
02:55The Communists
02:56have gunpersons
02:57everywhere.
02:58I will disguise myself.
03:00I think
03:01if there is
03:02to be any shooting,
03:02we should go.
03:05May I say
03:06that I am
03:07most relieved
03:08that you no longer
03:08have to disguise
03:09yourself as a bent
03:10old man?
03:14I was just old.
03:17Well, it is good
03:18that you are not
03:19in danger.
03:20We are in danger?
03:22Yes, but there
03:23is much unemployment.
03:24Fatresses can be
03:25replaced.
03:27Renée is one
03:28of a kind.
03:31Is this then
03:32the best photograph
03:33that you could get?
03:34With respect,
03:35Herr Flick,
03:35I could hardly
03:36ask the Communist
03:37resistance to pose.
03:39All you have got
03:40is one Communist hand.
03:42Hans Mollhausen,
03:43there are 50 million
03:44people in France.
03:46Most of them
03:46have two hands.
03:48That makes
03:48100 million hands.
03:51Identifying this one
03:52hand will be
03:53quite a task.
03:54Is it in the
03:55traffic?
03:57Go to it.
04:01It would appear
04:02from your report
04:03that Renée is
04:04no longer in danger.
04:05This is so,
04:06Colonel.
04:06And we know
04:07now that the
04:07real paintings
04:08are hidden
04:09in the headquarters
04:09of the Communist
04:10resistance.
04:11But where
04:11and how do
04:12we get them?
04:14General von
04:15Klinkerhofen.
04:19Hi, Littler.
04:20Hi, Littler.
04:20Hi, Littler.
04:23Hello,
04:24woman of the streets.
04:25Are you
04:26interrogating her
04:27or just having
04:27a rather amusing
04:28time?
04:30It is I,
04:31Helga.
04:33Oh, by golly,
04:33so it is.
04:35On the orders
04:35of the colonel
04:36and in the guise
04:37of a woman
04:37of the streets,
04:38I have been
04:38following a peasant
04:39in the hopes
04:40of tracing
04:40the missing paintings.
04:41And were you
04:42successful?
04:43As a woman
04:44of the streets,
04:45no.
04:47Could we have
04:47a lead to the
04:48whereabouts
04:48of the paintings?
04:49Good.
04:49Where are they?
04:50They're still in France.
04:52Could you perhaps
04:53be a little more
04:54specific?
04:55Not at the moment.
04:57We're working on it.
04:58Good.
04:59Sit.
05:02Sorry,
05:02our dinner
05:03at the chateau
05:03was interrupted.
05:04We must try again.
05:07Hold on to that
05:07outfit.
05:08We can have
05:08a private fancy
05:09dress party.
05:10Oh, what fun.
05:12What will be the theme?
05:14Tarts and vickers.
05:17May I get changed
05:18now, Colonel?
05:19Yes, Helga.
05:20Take your clothes.
05:24Where are you going?
05:26To my office
05:26to change.
05:27The guards
05:28might see you.
05:29Change here.
05:30Very foul, General.
05:31Don't lie.
05:32I will not look.
05:33Yes, General.
05:35Now then, Colonel.
05:36I have important
05:37information for you.
05:38I've had communications
05:39from Berlin
05:40regarding the invasion.
05:42Ah, yes.
05:43There is a rumour
05:43it has been
05:44temporarily
05:44suspended.
05:48Suspended.
05:50This is not true.
05:52The generals
05:52will be meeting here
05:53at my chateau
05:54to evaluate the situation.
05:56As local commander,
05:57you will, of course,
05:57be present.
05:58It will be a great honour
06:00to be among
06:00the top bra.
06:06The major decisions
06:07are
06:07A, the date
06:09and B, the plan
06:11and invasion force
06:15of the right thighs.
06:19Thighs.
06:21I see.
06:22In my opinion,
06:24the first wave
06:24should contain
06:25at least four
06:26armoured divisions
06:27of crack troops.
06:30I agree.
06:31The British
06:32won't be able
06:32to resist the panties.
06:36Panzers.
06:37Oh, René.
06:48Oh, Yves.
06:49Oh.
06:51René, I'm so frightened.
06:53These communists,
06:54they are ruthless.
06:55Oh, do not worry,
06:56my little one.
06:57But I am worried,
06:59my big one.
07:01I hardly dare
07:02to pass a window.
07:03I feed the chickens
07:04with a bucket
07:05over my head
07:05so they do not
07:07recognise me.
07:08Mainly, Edith
07:09they are after.
07:10She is at the top
07:11of their hit list.
07:12You are way down
07:13at number two.
07:16Oh, hold me, René.
07:18This moment
07:18may be our last.
07:20Oh.
07:21Oh.
07:22Do you think
07:23we will be able
07:24to do this
07:24when we get to heaven?
07:26Providing they have
07:27a larder, yes.
07:32It is only Michelle.
07:34Listen very carefully.
07:35I shall say this
07:36only once.
07:37Look, Michelle,
07:38it is not always
07:39convenient to have you
07:40barging in
07:41on my private moments.
07:42Could you not
07:42make an appointment?
07:44The German generals
07:45will be meeting
07:45at the chateau
07:46to discuss the plans
07:47for the invasion
07:48of England.
07:49The maps will be
07:49on the table.
07:51Somehow,
07:51we must photograph them.
07:53Why are you
07:53telling me all this?
07:55Because you will be
07:56asked to do the catering.
07:57How do you know
07:58there are three
07:58other catering firms
07:59in Nouvion?
08:00Your estimate
08:01will be the lowest
08:02or else the others
08:03will be burned down
08:04for collaborating.
08:06Look, Michelle,
08:07you really must
08:08try to find somebody
08:08else to do
08:09this dangerous work.
08:10I am a mass of nerves.
08:12I have a twitch.
08:12Look.
08:14Also,
08:15the moment I am
08:15under stress,
08:16I break out
08:17in little lumps.
08:19This is true.
08:21The details
08:22will be supplied
08:23nearer the time.
08:24No, Michelle,
08:24look up.
08:25She has gone.
08:35What do you mean,
08:38ah?
08:39You're frightened
08:40this poor girl
08:40out of her life.
08:41Once again,
08:42I find you being
08:43unfaithful to
08:44Madame Hedith,
08:45the woman I love.
08:46How dare you
08:47enter my private
08:48pantry?
08:49It is a Frenchman's
08:50prerogative to have
08:51a go at the servants.
08:53Where is Madame Hedith?
08:54Under threat of death
08:55from the communists,
08:56she has disappeared.
08:57Oh, it is my
08:58dearest wish
08:58to protect her.
09:00I shall throw
09:00my body in front
09:01of hers
09:02to receive
09:03the assassin's bullets.
09:05But of course,
09:06having rheumatism
09:07and a dicky ticker,
09:08I shall have
09:09to do it slowly.
09:12Michelle Leclerc?
09:13Yeah?
09:14If Madame Hedith
09:15is not here,
09:16she will not be
09:16able to sing.
09:17I will be taking
09:21her place.
09:22Oh.
09:23Here is her music.
09:24Oui.
09:25Now, what key
09:26does she sing in?
09:27Well, I have
09:28never...
09:29I have never
09:30discovered.
09:32Play me a chord.
09:34Oh.
09:37One, two, three,
09:40four.
09:41He's out and get
09:41under,
09:42I'll get out
09:42and get under.
09:44Fix his little
09:45machine.
09:46And that's the time
09:47stays dark, too.
09:48I can kiss her
09:49and let the
09:50van out engine.
09:51It won't miss her
09:52and he doesn't
09:53get under,
09:54get out and get under
09:55to fix up his
09:56automobile.
10:09Oh, is that
10:10singing my song?
10:12It is Madame Hedith.
10:14Now you will be
10:14in trouble.
10:15It is safe to come
10:16down, my love.
10:17There are no
10:17strangers here.
10:18Oh, poor lady.
10:20How frightened
10:20she must be.
10:22The threat of
10:22assassination must
10:24weigh heavily upon
10:25her.
10:28Already it has
10:29aged her
10:29considerably.
10:32Oh, Monsieur
10:33Alphonse.
10:34I did not know
10:35you were here.
10:36I have disguised
10:37myself as my
10:38mother.
10:38She is not on
10:39the hit list.
10:40Oh, the transformation
10:42is remarkable.
10:43It will take a few
10:44moments for me to
10:45adjust myself.
10:47It is amazing.
10:48The moth has turned
10:49back into a very old
10:50caterpillar.
10:52Have these for me.
10:54since last I held you
10:58in my arms.
11:00Time has stood
11:01still.
11:02Well, it has
11:02galloped on a bit
11:03now.
11:05It is.
11:07It is.
11:08That is my mother.
11:10Oh, will no
11:11come to the
11:11assistance of an
11:13old lady standing
11:14here with no
11:16clothes on.
11:19Coming, Mama.
11:20Do not worry,
11:21Madam Edith.
11:22You stay out of
11:23sight.
11:24Tonight I will
11:24sing in your place.
11:26No, no.
11:27I shall sing as
11:28usual, whatever
11:29fate throws at me.
11:31It is usually
11:32bread rolls and
11:33bits of cheese.
11:34You know, the food
11:42here is absolutely
11:43dreadful.
11:45It is a complete
11:45myth about French
11:47cooking being the
11:47best in the world.
11:49Well, we are in
11:51jail.
11:51Yes, Madam.
11:52All you can taste
11:53is garlic.
11:55If we caught one of
11:55the rats, we could
11:57probably barbecue it
11:58over a candle.
12:01Why have you put me
12:01off my soup?
12:04I've been thinking
12:05it is about time
12:06those Americans
12:06came in.
12:08They saved us in
12:08the last war.
12:10If they don't hurry
12:10up, there won't be
12:11any war left.
12:14Mummy and Daddy
12:15knew I was in jail.
12:16They'd have a fit.
12:17How are you?
12:18It is not going to
12:18be the tackler, is it?
12:19If it ever comes out
12:21that I have got a
12:21prison record, it
12:22could stop me getting
12:23a decent job after
12:24the war.
12:26What are you going
12:27to do?
12:27I am going into
12:28the stock exchange.
12:30Oh, they won't
12:30mind.
12:34Madam Itis?
12:51Dear beautiful
12:53frail lady.
12:54How ungallant I've
12:59been.
13:00How thoughtless.
13:01How cruel.
13:03I now humble myself
13:04before you because I
13:06wish you to know that
13:07I think you are the
13:08most beautiful woman
13:10in the world.
13:15And the most exciting.
13:17I love you as you
13:25are now, at the
13:27moment, and whatever
13:29ravages time may wreak
13:31on that beautiful
13:32countenance, I shall
13:35always want to hold you
13:36in my arms, to kiss
13:39you, and to love you.
13:44Am I forgiven?
13:48Get into bed and do
13:50not tell my daughter.
13:57Enter.
14:06You sent for me?
14:07Yes.
14:07You may go.
14:17You have been
14:18avoiding me lately.
14:19I have been following
14:20your orders to stay
14:21close to Lieutenant
14:22Gruber and the
14:23colonel, to gather
14:24information regarding
14:25the plot to blow up
14:26Hitler.
14:27And what have you
14:27discovered?
14:28Nothing.
14:30Helga, I have
14:32prepared a very hot
14:33iron.
14:35Oh, I've just
14:36remembered, the
14:36generals are coming
14:37from Raheem.
14:38I've only taken
14:39the share tool.
14:39Good.
14:41While you are
14:42telling me about it,
14:43you may iron my
14:45shirt.
14:47Oh, what a relief.
14:51Pay attention to
14:52the tale.
14:53I hate wrinkly
14:54ones.
14:57Do you not have a
14:58servant to do this?
15:00I have advertised
15:01in the local paper,
15:02a single Gestapo
15:03gentleman requires
15:05willing and obedient
15:06peasant for menial
15:07domestic tasks.
15:09Have you had many
15:10replies?
15:11Only one.
15:12It came through the
15:13window on a brick.
15:15Never mind,
15:16Hathlick.
15:17I consider it an
15:18honour to be
15:18pressing the shirt
15:20that will shortly
15:20contain your fiery
15:21Gestapo torso.
15:23I thought you would.
15:25Now, what is the
15:27purpose of this
15:28meeting of the
15:29generals?
15:30To discuss the
15:30invasion.
15:31poppycock.
15:33It is my opinion
15:34that they are
15:35assembling to plan
15:36the blowing up
15:36of Hitler.
15:38Find out the date
15:39and I will
15:39infiltrate this
15:40meeting, if
15:41necessary, in
15:42disguise.
15:43You take such
15:44risks, Hathlick.
15:45I find your whole
15:46lifestyle exciting
15:47and stimulating to
15:49the nth degree.
15:50You obviously
15:51wish to kiss me.
15:52You may do so.
15:54Thank you, Hathlick.
16:03My tail is burning.
16:09So is mine.
16:12I am talking about
16:13my shirt.
16:18Quick, in here.
16:19Look, I have a
16:20business to run.
16:21I am very busy.
16:22Renée, if I am
16:23to be assassinated,
16:25let me remember
16:26being held in
16:27your arms.
16:28Oh, very well.
16:33Oh, Mimi,
16:34your bosoms are
16:35like little rocks.
16:37I have hand
16:38grenades in my
16:39pocket.
16:43If the communists
16:44are to capture
16:45us, we will all
16:45go together.
16:47Oh, my God.
16:48Quick.
16:50What is it now?
16:51The RAF have
16:53delivered the birds
16:53that will carry the
16:54photograph of the
16:55plans back to
16:55England.
16:56It will be delivered
16:57today.
16:58Well, for heaven's
16:58sake, label it.
17:00My wife cooked the
17:00last pigeon for lunch.
17:03It is not a pigeon.
17:04The Germans are
17:05shooting them down.
17:06Then what is it?
17:07It is a long-distance
17:08duck.
17:12Now I have heard
17:13everything.
17:14Is this duck
17:16supposed to fly
17:16all the way to
17:17England?
17:18Should it become
17:18exhausted, it will
17:19land on the
17:20English Channel
17:20and have a sleep.
17:22For this reason,
17:24the photographs
17:24will be in
17:25waterproof containers.
17:29René, that
17:30idiot officer who
17:31thinks he can't
17:32speak French is in
17:32the bar.
17:33Oh, I will talk
17:34to him.
17:35It will make a nice
17:35change from that
17:36idiot who does
17:36speak French.
17:37Good morning.
17:44What do you want?
17:46The British
17:47earmen are
17:48complaining that
17:48there is too much
17:49garlic in their
17:50soap.
17:53Garlic in their
17:54soup.
17:55We wish you to
17:56send them a
17:57food pistol.
18:00A what?
18:02A food
18:03pistol.
18:04Oh, my God,
18:05what is this?
18:07Ducks.
18:08Ducks.
18:08Who will buy
18:09my ducks?
18:10Who will buy a
18:12duck from an old
18:13duck-seller?
18:14Come over here
18:15by the bar, old
18:17badly disguised
18:18duck-seller.
18:19Who will buy
18:20ducks?
18:20Ducks.
18:21Who will buy
18:22my ducks?
18:22Shut up.
18:24Shh.
18:25It is I,
18:26Leclerc.
18:28Hey, what is
18:29your game?
18:30It is I,
18:31Leclerc.
18:33For you, a
18:34special delivery.
18:35This is to
18:38deliver the
18:38photographs.
18:41I have seen
18:45one of these
18:46before.
18:47It is a long
18:48distance dick.
18:53Look out.
18:54Here comes the
18:55colonel.
18:56Quick, take this
18:57and put it in the
18:58inn house now.
18:58Ah, Colonel,
19:01welcome.
19:02And Lieutenant
19:02Gruber, welcome
19:03to my humble cafe.
19:04Come and sit down,
19:05really.
19:05Always a pleasure,
19:06Colonel.
19:07Yvette, wine for
19:08the colonel and the
19:09lieutenant.
19:09And what can I do
19:12for you, Colonel?
19:12Now, General
19:15Röntgenhofen is
19:17blowing his top
19:17about the missing
19:18paintings.
19:19We will have to
19:20give him some
19:20forgeries.
19:21Which we will tell
19:22him are the real
19:22paintings.
19:23Which he will ask
19:24Gruber to vouch for
19:24him.
19:25Which I will do.
19:26Which he will ask
19:27Gruber to copy.
19:28Which I will copy.
19:29Which gives us time
19:30to recover the
19:31originals from the
19:32headquarters of the
19:32communist resistance.
19:34The whereabouts of
19:35which are known to
19:36you.
19:36Ah, well,
19:37unfortunately,
19:38Canon, this is not
19:39true.
19:39I was blindfolded
19:41and in a closed
19:41truck.
19:42In which case,
19:43when they are
19:44recovered, you will
19:45not get your share.
19:46You will be cut out
19:47of the deal.
19:48You will have,
19:49after the war,
19:50nothing.
19:51Ah, well,
19:52fortunately, I was
19:53captured along with
19:54Monsieur Leclerc,
19:55the pianist, who
19:56would, of course,
19:57know the way.
19:58The colonel
19:59intends to mount a
20:00small but carefully
20:01planned operation.
20:03He will use only a
20:04handful of carefully
20:05selected ruthless
20:06men.
20:07This is providing
20:08we can find them.
20:09The colonel!
20:11Your old buddy
20:13Alberto Bertonelli
20:15has returned from
20:16Roma.
20:19See here,
20:20Mussolini,
20:21he give me a
20:22beautiful medal.
20:24We haven't seen
20:25you since the
20:26air raid.
20:27He thought you
20:28were gone for
20:28good.
20:30Here, Roma,
20:31they give me the
20:31finest crack troops
20:32in all Italy.
20:33Together, we
20:34take the boats
20:35and we invite the
20:36British.
20:37I pick my men.
20:38He show one
20:39with my own
20:39hand.
20:40They are the
20:41ruthless men.
20:43Gruber,
20:44he has ruthless
20:45men.
20:49When can we
20:50eat them?
20:51They were for you
20:52to make the
20:52inspection.
20:53Come out
20:54aside and say
20:54hello.
20:55With pleasure.
20:56I may have a job
20:57for them.
20:58They will be
20:59cock-of-the-hoop.
21:07Squad,
21:08I make a detention!
21:10Come on,
21:10come on,
21:10I'm over you,
21:11please.
21:11Come on.
21:13No,
21:14no smoke-of-the-fag
21:15out of any
21:16I make a detention.
21:19Keep the mother
21:20quiet.
21:20Stand up.
21:21Colinello,
21:22come over here.
21:24Meet my boys.
21:26Boys,
21:27it's Colinello
21:28von Strom.
21:28He's the big noise.
21:30Hi,
21:30Colinello,
21:31how's it getting on,
21:32eh?
21:33German army,
21:34fine army.
21:36Hello,
21:36baby.
21:41Great legs,
21:43eh?
21:43What do you think,
21:46Colinello?
21:47They're great guys,
21:48no?
21:48They're an absolute
21:50shower.
21:52Shambles!
21:54What do you mean
21:55shambles?
21:56They're convicts
21:57from the best
21:58prisons in all
21:59Italy.
22:00They are meaner,
22:02they are tough.
22:03We are meaner,
22:04we are tough,
22:05we can never
22:06get enough.
22:08Then I have a job
22:09for these men.
22:11Tell them,
22:11Grimble,
22:12men.
22:15Pay attention.
22:19I am
22:20Lieutenant Gruber.
22:22That is my
22:23little tank.
22:26Nice!
22:27Be nice of time.
22:31Settle down.
22:32We have an
22:33assignment for you.
22:35North-east
22:36of this town
22:37is the headquarters
22:39of the Communist
22:40resistance.
22:41We have
22:42certain documents
22:44to recover
22:44from them.
22:46They are armed
22:47to the teeth
22:47and like you,
22:49they are
22:50ruthless fighters.
22:53To you
22:54will go the
22:55honour
22:56of attacking
22:57and defeating
22:58them.
22:59This is a
22:59great honour.
23:01Why you think,
23:02boys,
23:02how do we do it?
23:03I'll talk to them
23:12around.
23:15Hey!
23:18Men after
23:19my own heart.
23:20we got
23:34the
23:38to war
23:39on the
23:42and
23:42side
23:43and
23:43oh!
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