- 2 days ago
Documentary, The Boy Who Was Born A Girl LGBTQ BBC Horizon
"The Boy Who Was Born A Girl" is a 2009 documentary following 15-year-old Jon Edwards, who was assigned female at birth but recognized himself as male from age five. It documents his journey with gender dysphoria, his transition, and his mother's, Luisa, navigation of this change, detailing their story of acceptance and family support
Jon Edwards, a transgender boy transitioning from female to male.
Documentation: The film captures the initial, crucial three months of his medical journey, including testosterone treatment, while navigating school and social life, as noted in the Letterboxd review.
Context: The documentary, often discussed alongside the book "The Boy Who Was Born a Girl: One Mother's Unconditional Love", covers the emotional and physical challenges for both the child and parent.
Family Aspect: It highlights the emotional journey of his mother, Luisa, who had to come to terms with the loss of her daughter while supporting her son, as discussed in The Independent's review.
Contextual Similarities: The story is often linked to other, earlier documentaries about transgender children, such as "My Life: I Am Leo" and studies on gender dysphoria (see BBC Horizon episode on BBC)
"The Boy Who Was Born A Girl" is a 2009 documentary following 15-year-old Jon Edwards, who was assigned female at birth but recognized himself as male from age five. It documents his journey with gender dysphoria, his transition, and his mother's, Luisa, navigation of this change, detailing their story of acceptance and family support
Jon Edwards, a transgender boy transitioning from female to male.
Documentation: The film captures the initial, crucial three months of his medical journey, including testosterone treatment, while navigating school and social life, as noted in the Letterboxd review.
Context: The documentary, often discussed alongside the book "The Boy Who Was Born a Girl: One Mother's Unconditional Love", covers the emotional and physical challenges for both the child and parent.
Family Aspect: It highlights the emotional journey of his mother, Luisa, who had to come to terms with the loss of her daughter while supporting her son, as discussed in The Independent's review.
Contextual Similarities: The story is often linked to other, earlier documentaries about transgender children, such as "My Life: I Am Leo" and studies on gender dysphoria (see BBC Horizon episode on BBC)
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LifestyleTranscript
00:08My name's John, I'm 16 and I live near London in the south-east of England.
00:16I live with my mum, my two cats and my goldfish and I love heavy metal music.
00:24I'm just your average teenage boy.
00:28Apart from the fact that I was born a girl.
00:36I look like a guy.
00:37No, you don't.
00:39You don't?
00:40Yeah, I do.
00:41That to me is a really, really pretty girl.
00:44Really pretty.
00:46That was my really, really pretty Natasha.
00:48I don't see myself as Natasha, I see myself as just a person.
00:53A bloke with long hair and a feminine face.
00:56What do you think of that?
00:57So pretty, so lovely face.
01:01I can't see myself as female.
01:03I can't.
01:04No matter how hard I try, no matter what clothes.
01:06When I look at the photos, you know, I see Natasha.
01:11You know, but Natasha doesn't see that at all.
01:14No, John doesn't see that at all.
01:16Sorry.
01:16I'm getting all confused now.
01:18John doesn't see that, you know.
01:19I think it was a gradual process.
01:21I think I've always known that I wasn't female, but I didn't really know that you could want to be
01:30the other gender.
01:31And I just thought I was just hanging out with the boys.
01:35John has something called gender dysphoria, which is basically a discomfort that a person has with their gendered self.
01:43We don't know fully what causes it.
01:46It's undoubtedly multifactorial, but certainly the bulk of it is predetermined, undoubtedly.
01:53And it's certainly thought to be a biological issue rather necessarily than a mental issue.
01:59Look at that.
02:00Look.
02:01Is that me?
02:02No.
02:03That's a boy.
02:06There's a little boy.
02:07That's me.
02:09Because then you can just see your colouring just slightly sort of olively.
02:13I suppose I'm wishing that was me.
02:14They put the boys together and the two girls together.
02:17And I'm looking over.
02:18I want to be you.
02:20I want to be you.
02:22Man in drag.
02:23Man in drag.
02:24OK.
02:25OK.
02:25No.
02:25I look like a man in drag.
02:27All right.
02:28But let's talk about it.
02:29Why?
02:29Oh, no.
02:31I'll tell you what I see.
02:33I look like a man in drag?
02:35See, I see a really, really attractive young girl.
02:39Absolutely stunningly stunningly stunningly.
02:40I see a man in drag.
02:41Really?
02:42But you dressed like that.
02:44Remember when you went through your girly phase?
02:46Like really sort of with makeup and all sorts of...
02:49I don't know what happened.
02:51I think like puberty just hit and I was surrounded by girls and clothes and having to fit in and
02:56stuff.
02:57And I don't know.
02:58It's just a phase.
02:59I wish I didn't have my body.
03:03I wish it looked different.
03:06I mean, everyone wishes some aspects of their body look different, but this goes way beyond wishing.
03:13People do have a sense of themselves, even from a very young age.
03:18And lots of people in John's position will say to me, well, you know, I felt from being
03:24four or five that I was a boy, for instance.
03:27Whereas a lot of people will think, oh, it's in your head.
03:30I mean, similar to sexuality.
03:32I mean, typically people don't determine their sexuality.
03:35They just inherently know who they're attracted to.
03:39And that's kind of, again, predetermined.
03:50It's difficult to pinpoint when the feeling started because I'd always been a tomboy in
03:56my childhood.
03:57But all throughout that period, I noticed that I didn't really fit into the boys.
04:02I didn't really fit in with the girls.
04:03I realised I couldn't actually see myself in the future in a female body.
04:09And I realised then that, you know, I'd wanted to be a man.
04:15And I decided that talking to my mum was the best thing.
04:19I mean, I was watching TV and Natasha was due to go to school.
04:23And I could hear her sort of bouncing around upstairs.
04:26I'm thinking, why doesn't that child go to bed?
04:28And she came down and it was very late.
04:31I could see she was very distressed.
04:32I was being moody and stuff and my mum asked me what was wrong.
04:36And I was just like, oh, it's nothing, it's nothing.
04:39I could remember thinking all kinds of things.
04:41He's going to tell me that he's on drugs, like hard drugs, you know, that these were...
04:46He's going to tell me he's pregnant.
04:49And those were, you know, and I was thinking, OK, brace, just brace yourself.
04:53I knew she was going to ask me more and perhaps me to tell her what was wrong.
04:58Yeah, and then she said, oh, is it something to do with your body?
05:01She just turned around and said, it's too embarrassing, I just can't.
05:06And I was just heaving, was inconsolable, just heaving.
05:10It was just pain, you know, whole frame just sort of shaking.
05:14I didn't feel comfortable at that moment.
05:17But I'm like, oh yeah, I've got to do this.
05:20So I was like, it's my breasts.
05:23And my mum was like, oh, what about them?
05:26And I'm like, I don't want to have them anymore, I want to be a boy.
05:30And it sort of came out, just like in a rush.
05:36It didn't shock me.
05:39It just kind of surprised me that my daughter was sitting there and had said,
05:44I feel like a boy, you know, and always have.
05:50And I can remember, like, my first instinct was just to hold my child really tight
05:56and try and console her.
05:58And I just said, it doesn't matter, you know, because I love you.
06:02I love you.
06:03I love you for who you are.
06:04It doesn't matter.
06:05And we'll work it out.
06:12I'm going back to school, the new January term, in male uniform,
06:17with my name changed on the register as a boy.
06:21Well, we need boys blazers, these boys blazers.
06:23Are they, yeah?
06:24They're the boys ones.
06:25Just in the, I could do six more months in female uniform,
06:29being called my female name.
06:30Um, no, don't, because we've missed it.
06:33Don't take it off.
06:34OK.
06:35So I just wanted to transition as early as possible.
06:38I've absolutely no idea about chest sizes.
06:42Should I give you a quick, is that OK?
06:44Yeah.
06:44A quick throttle.
06:45A quick throttle.
06:51I'm very excited, because it's something I've been wanting to do
06:54for a very long time.
06:56We'll have to see if that shirt...
06:58Apart from the fact that I can't do a tie.
07:02We'll, um...
07:03We'll figure something out.
07:04We'll, um...
07:05Don't we?
07:06So this is sort of what it's going to look like,
07:10without the trousers.
07:12And with your jumper.
07:12I think it looks cool with those trousers.
07:14Yeah.
07:15How's it feel?
07:16Awesome.
07:18Proper cloak.
07:20Proper cloak.
07:23It feels quite emotional.
07:25So...
07:26Feels good.
07:27Feels good.
07:28I'm proud.
07:29Proud of Jonathan.
07:30And...
07:31You know, it's obviously...
07:33It's very important to him.
07:34And you can tell he feels...
07:37He feels really, you know, good about things.
07:40But yeah.
07:41I don't know.
07:41It does...
07:42It does feel quite emotional.
07:44It's like you look...
07:45Wow.
07:46You're a boy.
07:47Yeah.
07:47A person looking back at you.
07:49Yeah.
07:50It's a boy.
07:50Happier.
07:52Yeah?
07:53Does it make you...
07:54Mm-hmm.
07:55Seeing yourself in...
07:56In that uniform.
07:57And I remember you saying to me,
07:58No, but...
07:59There's a big difference...
08:02Wearing the boy's shirt.
08:03Mm-hmm.
08:04And wearing the tie.
08:05And I can see those.
08:06That is, yeah.
08:27Jonathan, it's ten to eight.
08:29So lots of time, yeah?
08:30Breakfast is on the table.
08:32Do you want to come down?
08:33When you're ready, yeah?
08:36Hello.
08:40Extra, extra thick white bread.
08:44Do you want to take the crusts off for you?
08:46No.
08:46OK.
08:48Very late, but I'm looking good.
08:50I had my mum overslept this morning.
08:53So, erm...
08:54Cos I had sort of quite, erm...
08:57Well, quite a sleepless night, you know.
08:59Thinking about things and worrying.
09:01And I probably sort of didn't actually get to sleep till...
09:04I don't know, about half two or so.
09:06So, yeah.
09:07This morning, erm...
09:08Just automatically switched off the alarm.
09:10So it's been a little bit of a panic.
09:12But there's plenty of time, yeah?
09:14I'm too nervous to eat anything.
09:16Oh, really?
09:17No, not, not...
09:18Nervous in a bad way.
09:19Nervous in a good way.
09:20Yeah.
09:21Yeah.
09:22Cos I want to see all my friends' reaction, too.
09:24Yeah.
09:25You look so cool, honestly.
09:28You look really good.
09:30Mm.
09:31Come on, we'll give you a little hug.
09:33Don't mess with me.
09:34Don't, don't, don't mess with me.
09:37No!
09:40OK.
09:41All right.
09:41Enough.
09:43OK.
09:45Maybe, in a sense, maybe it's a good thing that we're sort of tight on time to get to
09:50school, cos we're probably going to leave, it's eight o'clock now, probably leave in
09:53about 20 minutes.
09:55So maybe it's quite a good distraction, you know, cos I'm kind of, like, busy running
09:58around, sort of like a headless chicken, sort of, like, trying to get lots of bits done.
10:03So it hasn't given me time to think as much, and, see, Jonathan's got more time, you know,
10:09cos he's not doing stuff, so...
10:11I don't want any more time.
10:12That's fine.
10:13OK.
10:14That's fine.
10:14Is it...
10:15Did you want a banana?
10:16No.
10:17Is it just nerves?
10:18Yeah.
10:19Making your stomach?
10:20Yeah.
10:21You don't want anything?
10:21Can you make me puff?
10:22Yeah.
10:24OK, so, we'll just relax, eh?
10:26Yeah.
10:26Have your tea, yeah?
10:27Mm-hm.
10:28Good.
10:35OK.
10:36Right.
10:37You've got everything?
10:38Yep.
10:39OK, good.
10:40And I just need to get car keys.
10:43Yep.
10:44It's a good time.
10:45Good time to leave now.
10:48Look at Christmas play.
10:52So they just want to be part of the family.
10:54Just sitting there.
10:55He doesn't, he doesn't know.
10:57Today's...
10:57Good time to leave now.
10:58Look at Christmas play.
10:58Today's an important day.
11:01And just careful, cos it's, um...
11:03Skippy, look at me.
11:04All my house gear.
11:06Time.
11:10This is Natasha's baby bag.
11:14So I'm a bit of a hoarder.
11:16So I sort of keep things.
11:19Oh, I know what I've got in here.
11:20That is just, um...
11:22That is so lovely.
11:23My granny made these.
11:25And she was a brilliant seamstress.
11:27And they're all hand...
11:30Handmade.
11:31It's all, like, made out of, like, little muslin, um...
11:33Cotton vests.
11:35She made these for...
11:36For her children.
11:38So my mum probably wore one of these.
11:41And then I wore.
11:43And then Natasha did.
11:45And I suppose I keep them to hand it down.
11:49So that it'll be worn, you know, by the next...
11:51By the next generation.
11:54So I don't know.
11:55I mean, John's never wanted babies.
11:57I mean, he's never had...
11:58That maternal instinct of, you know...
12:03Wanting to have, you know, a baby inside.
12:06I suppose I did have the thoughts, ideas, aspirations...
12:12That any mother would have for their daughter.
12:15I just automatically presumed, you know, I have a girl.
12:19And these are the things that...
12:21Will be happening with my daughter.
12:24It would just kind of, like, be all pink and fluff and, um...
12:29You know, but that never happened.
12:32She, uh...
12:34Natasha just, you know, um...
12:37Natasha was John.
12:39And I was growing up as John.
12:43Um...
12:43Without...
12:44Either of us realising it.
12:46You see, this really takes me back.
12:49This really makes me think of...
12:51Of my daughter.
12:52There's ballet shoes.
12:54That's just amazing.
12:55I showed these to, um...
12:56John, actually.
12:59And, um...
13:00He kind of looked at them and he was a bit kind of...
13:03Don't show me that, you know.
13:05But, you know, I need to talk about that.
13:08Because, for me, it seems as though...
13:14They're twins.
13:16You know, I had twins.
13:19And, um...
13:20One twin has left.
13:23One twin has gone.
13:25I've lost one twin.
13:27And, um...
13:27You know, I love Natasha very, very much.
13:30Very, very much.
13:33Um...
13:34And she'll always have a very special place in my heart.
13:39But, yeah, yeah, I suppose...
13:40People always say, and it's a cliché, isn't it?
13:42I never thought it would happen to me.
13:44But if you said to me five years ago,
13:47you know, your daughter will say to you, you know,
13:50I'm a boy.
13:53It's, like, surreal.
13:54You know, you just don't think that that would...
13:57But then when it does...
14:01You deal with it.
14:02You know, if you love your child...
14:06And I love my child unconditionally...
14:10You pick up the pieces and you deal with it.
14:17Hi, John.
14:18Hello.
14:19Hi. How's school been?
14:21Yeah, I'm really all right, actually.
14:23Yeah?
14:23Yeah.
14:24So, I don't know.
14:25What did you do at lunch?
14:27Got some stick behind my back
14:29from some of the more immature members of the year.
14:32Oh, OK, yeah, because I was...
14:33What, from your year?
14:34Yeah.
14:35But, I mean, they're really immature.
14:36Everyone knows that, so...
14:37Right.
14:37What, from your actual class?
14:40Yes.
14:40No, from...
14:40Or from just the year?
14:42Yeah.
14:42OK.
14:43And what kind of stick was that?
14:44It's like talking behind my back.
14:46Right.
14:46Swearing stuff at me, but...
14:49Well, proud of you.
14:52Absolutely.
14:53Awesome.
14:53I just think you're awesome.
14:55It makes me want to change my birth around.
14:57I just...
14:58I wish I could have had those chromosomes, but I don't.
15:02I'm a biological female.
15:05And I wish I could have been born a guy.
15:08But, honestly, I can't change that.
15:17What we will do for John, in terms of his treatment,
15:20that's testosterone-based.
15:21So, we want to try to induce in him a male puberty.
15:25And we will give him sufficient testosterone
15:29to minimise his feminine characteristics,
15:33to optimise the masculine.
15:35This is my tea gel.
15:37This is my testosterone therapy,
15:39which I've been taking for over a month now.
15:42So, I can already see some effects.
15:44I think my fat is being redistributed
15:47to other areas of my body,
15:49because men get different fat areas from women.
15:53So, it's going from my face,
15:56so a more masculine face,
15:58and just general hairiness.
16:00Your voice will break.
16:02It's starting to do that to me now.
16:04If you're in it for a long time,
16:05your periods can stop,
16:08and your bone structure can get denser.
16:12And, basically, that's it.
16:14But it's something I need to do for the rest of my life.
16:19The treatment works very effectively,
16:21and particularly, as in John's case,
16:23where he is quite young when he's starting,
16:26you tend to get a much better response
16:29than if somebody's much older.
16:31So, in some respects,
16:32there's actually quite an advantage to presenting young,
16:36because you're much more likely to get a fuller change.
16:39But it takes several years.
16:42Most trans men become infertile,
16:44which is why I had the option of freezing some eggs.
16:49But, nah, it's not for me, really.
16:52I feel I'm old enough.
16:53I feel I'm wise enough
16:56to make the decision about my own body
16:59and what's going to happen to it in the future.
17:03And, well, that's it now.
17:06Can't go back on it, so...
17:08At 16, it's hard to say whether or not John's too young.
17:13I mean, in some respects, yes,
17:15because there's only a limited amount of experience
17:18he's got to draw on,
17:19both in terms of his own physical development
17:22as well as his own mental development,
17:24integrating into society.
17:26However, actually, by 16,
17:29people are regarded as legally competent,
17:31so a lot depends on the individual,
17:34and I assess everybody very specific to them
17:37as to whether or not I feel
17:38that they're given enough thought,
17:41whether they've got the right support,
17:42whether they are likely to be able to cope
17:46moving through this.
17:49All right, so where shall we start?
17:51Go.
17:52Start with the girly things.
17:55Natasha's things.
17:57It's marking a stage in my life
18:00where I'm getting rid of the person who I was.
18:03Charity shop, this one.
18:05OK.
18:06Oh, can you remember that?
18:08The wedding.
18:08The wedding?
18:10That's...
18:10You look gorgeous in it.
18:12You look really, really pretty.
18:15Yeah.
18:15Have you got that really short miniskirt that you bought?
18:18No, I cut it up.
18:19Oh, I see.
18:20That's one of my patches out of it.
18:22Oh, right.
18:22Cos I can also remember when you came home
18:24and you said that you'd bought...
18:25You're not going out in that.
18:27The miniskirt.
18:27I know, but it was like a belt.
18:29It was like a belt.
18:29It wasn't a belt.
18:30Well, pretty close to it.
18:32And I just thought...
18:33It was really funny cos it was so out of character.
18:35You'd never bought anything as overtly, you know.
18:39When you went through...
18:40What do you call it?
18:42Your girly phase or...
18:43But it was.
18:44It was really extreme cos, like...
18:46Yeah.
18:46Make-up and lip gloss and the high heels
18:50and really short miniskirts and...
18:56It must have lasted two, three months.
18:59Again, you know, with your diamantes and, er...
19:04I tried to hang out with the girls more.
19:07I made a conscious decision to do that.
19:10I was bullied at primary school for not fitting in,
19:13for hanging out with the boys.
19:15So I just made a decision that, OK,
19:18it's a cool thing to hang out with the girls.
19:20I might as well try it.
19:21Oh, my God!
19:24That's pink.
19:25Yes, OK.
19:27That's a thong.
19:29It's a bra.
19:30I remember we actually went to get a proper fitting.
19:33Um, so that you could...
19:35See, it sounds...
19:36I just, like, got a sort of double take then cos...
19:41It was just, like, weird.
19:42It just seemed, like, really weird saying, you know,
19:44we...
19:45He had a proper fitting for his bra.
19:47The thing is, he...
19:48He really wanted to...
19:50Natasha.
19:51He really wanted to, er...
19:53Get a bra.
19:54Seems really surreal now.
19:56It's a long time ago, isn't it?
19:58Yeah.
19:58I don't know.
19:59It's just, like, weird cos I look at you and I think...
20:02Cos you don't look like Natasha.
20:03No.
20:05It's as though, I don't know, that happened...
20:09Well, that was another child with another mother.
20:11It's strange.
20:13I'm being manly.
20:14I'm taking two.
20:15I'm hardly.
20:16I'm two.
20:17Look how much of a man I am.
20:18OK, then you should...
20:19You should take this one as well.
20:21It's actually quite heavy.
20:22And it just seems like a long time ago that we went bra shopping.
20:26It's much more comfortable and happier getting a binder.
20:30Suites you, sir.
20:32Gosh, it's amazing cos, look.
20:34It's, like, nothing.
20:36Flat.
20:37That's a really good binder, isn't it?
20:39So...
20:39We'll do 30...
20:4031 cos you've got the binder on.
20:42Let's see what it's like.
20:42And see.
20:43So that one.
20:44I like that one.
20:45A breast binder is a compression vest and it just compresses the breast down.
20:49So you have a flat chest.
20:51You can't really pass as a dude if you've got two lady lumps on your chest.
20:58I just want to be able to take my shirt off when I want.
21:03Not have to worry about them being there, not have to worry about...
21:07Well, we call it speed bumping.
21:09When you are binding but it shows through the binder.
21:14And it just brings your self-confidence down so much
21:17because you're always thinking, what...
21:19What if people can see them?
21:23I'll probably get a mastectomy.
21:25I mean, I don't want to bind for the rest of my life.
21:28It's pretty annoying.
21:30And a mastectomy will just be easier.
21:32It doesn't sound strange when he says to me that he wants to have a mastectomy.
21:36It makes all the sense in the world.
21:38You know, he's not a girl, so he doesn't want to have breasts.
21:42You know, he's a boy and he wants to have the shape of, you know, a male chest.
21:46So I suppose maybe, you know, you might think I might have a feeling or sense of kind of loss
21:53of femininity.
21:55But because I just see him as my son, you know, a son wouldn't have breasts.
22:01So he's not going to lose anything.
22:04He's going to gain, you know, he's going to gain the masculine, you know, physique that he needs and wants.
22:13So, yeah, so I'm there for him.
22:17If they could take away the dysphoria that's attached with me being a girl,
22:21then I wouldn't mind it because I'd just be a normal girl.
22:25But if I still had that dysphoria, then life wouldn't be worth living if I had to live as a
22:30girl.
22:31Because remember, I was saying to you that, OK, it was good because you can get a chest binder.
22:36But I was saying how about, you know, if you wanted to wear sort of a packer, that's it.
22:39If you wanted to wear sort of tight trousers and you wanted to give the impression that, you know, you
22:44had male genitalia.
22:45Right.
22:46Is a packing like a binder, but with sort of padding?
22:51No.
22:53Well, tell me.
22:54Separate from the binder.
22:55Yeah, no, but I'm saying I can imagine it being sort of like a pair of, I don't know, boxer
22:58shorts, but with padding in the right places.
23:02It's just a rubber cock.
23:07Just to put it bluntly.
23:10Oh, gosh.
23:11There was a little range.
23:14Because obviously it's designed so that it can be used with the female genitalia.
23:19Gosh.
23:20But they're designed, aren't they?
23:21So when you go to the toilet, you can actually pee like a boy, pee like a man.
23:36There are 18 different surgeries.
23:39Should you want a properly effective working penis?
23:4118 different surgeries.
23:42Really?
23:42You can actually get a penis?
23:44You can actually get a working one.
23:46Right.
23:46Make the balls into a pump, and it fills it up with air, and that makes it hard.
23:50How many percentage do you reckon of trans men actually go through with surgery?
23:54Less than five percent.
23:56Yeah, five to ten percent, somewhere like that.
23:58Wow.
23:58What's trans time for that?
23:59Having the old switcheroo.
24:02Yes.
24:03Yes.
24:04I like, I like.
24:05In the UK, there are about 100 referrals of young people per year, so from the age of about 12
24:11to 18, who come forward with gender dysphoria.
24:14In terms of the split between male to female or female to male, obviously John is female to male, there's
24:22about a seven to one ratio.
24:24So there's a lot more male to female individuals come forward.
24:29It's partly because a lot of the people similar to John actually cope reasonably well displaying a reasonable amount of
24:37tomboyish behavior when they're young, or slightly gender atypical, you know, they're quite butchish for a girl.
24:44And that's actually quite tolerated in society, much more so than a guy who wants to wear a dress or
24:51put makeup on.
24:52Effeminate boys just aren't quite as acceptable in society, unfortunately.
25:07School has been a very, very tough place for Jonathan.
25:11He went back in January as a boy, using his name, Jonathan.
25:14I didn't think, and John probably didn't think that it was going to be continuous, daily harassment and verbal bullying.
25:30Um, yeah, they're just, they keep on going on at it and just, I won't even mention some of the
25:40stuff they're asking me here, because it's just too plain damn vulgar and really inappropriate, just for anyone to be
25:51asked, let alone a trans person.
25:55So that, that's one incident, but other incidents that have happened have been, it's random name calling, being shouted at,
26:08being called he, she.
26:11It's it, which is really derogatory for a trans person to be called, because you're just being disregarded as the
26:23gender you want to be.
26:24You are just relegated to this sub-gender, which is really hurtful.
26:30And I think the comments are hurting me more than perhaps I let on or let on to myself.
26:44It's a support from mum, as well as friends like Jess, who also has gender dysphoria, that really helps me
26:50through the tough times.
26:53I mean, remember that time when we were actually out in town and that kid sort of spat on you?
26:58He was eight years old.
27:00Stop grinning so much when you say it.
27:03I'm grinning in horror, it's grimace.
27:06It's just, after a while it stops getting so novel and upsetting and more frustrating and upsetting.
27:13Yeah, I know, I mean, it is hard and you and I both know it, it's hard, it's difficult, it's,
27:20it's not fun and it's, it takes a lot of bravery.
27:24The people in my ear aren't really that bad, it's like the younger years that don't really get it.
27:29I mean, I was just at school walking along the corridor and a dude was walking behind me and he
27:35said I don't want to get too close because I have AIDS or something.
27:40That is a serious level of abuse once you get past he, she, chick with a dick onto that tranny
27:48has AIDS.
27:49That's just a massive leap.
27:51If you could actually say something to those people, what would you say?
27:55If you realised how much torment and shit that I've had to put up with, you wouldn't call me freak.
28:04If you, if you really understood me, if you really had to realise how much pain I've been through, you
28:11just, you wouldn't do those things.
28:16It's a nice colour actually.
28:18What's it called?
28:19It's called sophistication.
28:21It's cool.
28:24Painting my room was something I've been meaning to do and this was a good time to go over the
28:30pink.
28:31And I've recently thrown out all of my clothes.
28:35Not all of my clothes, like, the girly ones.
28:38OK.
28:39When you feel strongly about transitioning isn't something you want.
28:45I mean, it's something you want to do, but it's a need.
28:47You need to do it to move on with your life.
28:49And I feel that this is the right time.
28:52This is the right time to do this.
28:56The sooner the better for me.
28:59I think I would have gone so crazy if I hadn't gone on hormones this quickly.
29:07Yeah, I mean, the life expectancy of people like ourselves, like 25 or something stupid.
29:12Is it?
29:13Yeah.
29:16Oh.
29:19Did you hear that?
29:20That's like, no, I didn't.
29:22I don't really have any more suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self-harm anymore.
29:30No, neither do I, but every now and again it's just like a little twinge that happens.
29:35Like, you know, something will remind you of something or other.
29:37I was just counting down the days on my calendar when I was at my blackest point.
29:43It's like, OK, I set a date, sort of.
29:46Like, I'm going to live till I'm this age.
29:50And if nothing's changed by then, then I'm going.
29:56Well, I've got to make a phone call.
29:57And I'm going to call my ex-sister-in-law.
30:01And I will be telling her that she no longer has a niece, but she has a nephew.
30:07So she doesn't know about Jonathan and the fact he's transgender.
30:13I'm nervous. I'm apprehensive.
30:16Just in quite a difficult, anxious place at the moment.
30:23Oh, hi, Pat. Hi. Hi.
30:25Have you had your tea?
30:27Yeah.
30:28Good. Good, good.
30:31I was sort of calling because I sort of wanted to have a sort of serious, you know, talk to
30:36you about Natasha.
30:37Oh, I've been so nervous about making this phone call to you, Pat.
30:42And I've just kind of, you know, sort of been anxious about it.
30:48But Natasha was born with a condition called gender dysphoria.
30:53I mean, I've known for this now probably about, well, over the last year.
30:58I mean, I now refer to her as he, because he is a he.
31:04And his name is Jonathan.
31:07And he's changed that by deed poll.
31:10I guess I feel quite relieved that the process of coming out to my family has started.
31:17It makes me feel quite emotional.
31:19He's actually started testosterone therapy treatment.
31:22He's only 16, which means it's the right age for him physically.
31:27You know, he's changed quite a bit.
31:30It will push his body into a male puberty.
31:33That's what it's doing, you know.
31:36And he's responded just amazingly.
31:38His voice has really dropped.
31:40He's starting to get moustache.
31:43I mean, it probably sounds, well, I can't imagine, bizarre to you.
31:48The reactions so far have been very positive.
31:51It just makes me appreciate so much more that my family is just so caring and so accepting of my
31:59trans status.
32:00It's a very, very big thing, Pat.
32:03It's a really big thing, you know.
32:05But I'm just very touched by your response.
32:10I'm very touched and thank you.
32:13Okay.
32:15Okay.
32:17Okay.
32:18All right, then.
32:19Okay, then.
32:20Okay, bye, Pat.
32:21Bye.
32:21Bye.
32:36I've been on my testosterone therapy for two months and I'm feeling really happy with my more masculine appearance.
32:41It's time to get some more new clothes to help match the new me.
32:44I'm a metal head but, you know, when I'm just dressing casually like this, just sort of quirky, indie style.
32:52Right, let's see what other shorts they have.
32:54I'm just trying to get some shorts in his size.
32:56It's a bit awkward because I struggled with the menswear because they're all too large and the kiddie section is
33:05too small so I'm just in between.
33:08I'm one of those awkward in between people.
33:10So that's a medium.
33:13Oh, I mean, it has.
33:15Okay, well, you want to try them on and see?
33:17Right.
33:18So I think, er, I think changing rooms are down that way.
33:23What I'm doing is being a mother to my son and having to relearn a lot of things, having to
33:29understand that I don't have a daughter and I have a son and that's the way it is.
33:39Oh, yeah, I like those.
33:42Every day he's becoming more of a boy and less of my girl or less of the daughter that I
33:48had.
33:49That's really cool.
33:51Yeah.
33:53You can really see there's a difference in how male and female people dress in summer because guys like to
34:00shaft their hairy legs and take the shirts off, so...
34:04You've got your hairy legs out.
34:06I know.
34:06The way guys sit is quite interesting as well.
34:09Okay.
34:10The way guys hold themselves.
34:12I was on a bus.
34:13There were some people, like, debating whether I was or not.
34:18You know you get that talk on the buses.
34:20And one of the comments was, oh, he must be a dude, look at the way he's sitting.
34:24Okay.
34:24Which was a really interesting comment because I've never had that before.
34:28How long ago was that?
34:30A few months ago.
34:31Okay.
34:32Before I started T.
34:33Yeah.
34:34Yeah.
34:35That really surprised me because I was just, I was actually doing that consciously.
34:40I was making a conscious decision to be more masculine in the way I was sitting.
34:44And that obviously helped me with passing.
34:47So a lot of people around us because...
34:49Especially those two guys behind you sitting.
34:52That is really masculine, the way they're sitting.
34:55I think it just comes naturally.
35:09Jonathan, do you want to come through?
35:11What's been happening since I saw you?
35:15Changes.
35:15Lots of changes.
35:16Lots of changes.
35:17Okay.
35:18Your voice sounds like it's changed.
35:19Yeah, it has.
35:21Okay.
35:21Good.
35:21What else?
35:23Facial hair as well.
35:24Mm-hmm.
35:24Good.
35:25Body hair.
35:26Good.
35:27What else?
35:27Any other news?
35:28I think I was expecting there to be sort of quite big sort of mood swings, you know,
35:33and I was sort of like bracing myself, you know, for this.
35:35But no, there hasn't been, I mean, he has the usual teenage mood swings, you know.
35:41But no, I know what he has said is that the periods are still, you know, a problem, an issue.
35:49And now with the period he's just had now, he's felt really kind of raw, you know.
35:55Is it still lasting as long as before?
35:58Is it still essentially the same or is it getting a bit lighter?
36:01Um, I think it's starting to get lighter with this one, but with the two I had previously,
36:07it was still the same.
36:08Just the same.
36:09Yeah.
36:09It does remind me that I was born a girl and it just brings back all those negative feelings
36:15you have about your body with your genitalia and stuff that you have to focus on it.
36:21You have to, like, you have to change your pad or tampon or whatever.
36:25You have to actually notice that you have a vagina.
36:31Um, and also with the influx of female hormones, um, your breasts get tender.
36:40You feel more fe-, more female and more feminine and your moods start going all over the place.
36:47So you have that to deal with as well.
36:49I mean, relatively speaking, your oestrogen level is still a little bit higher than the norm for a man,
36:54but that's probably reflective of what you've just said about the periods.
36:58Mm-hm.
36:58I mean, again, eventually, I mean, some people's system just takes a bit longer to suppress than others.
37:03Yeah.
37:03Um.
37:04How, how, how long do you think it'll be before Jonathan, you know, his periods will, yeah,
37:09he'll lose his period?
37:10It's hard to know.
37:10Everybody's different.
37:11I mean, it's still early days.
37:13There's still going to be plenty to come.
37:15Um.
37:15Right.
37:16I mean, realistically, you're looking at a couple of years before you'll be, I suppose, 90% there.
37:21And a lot depends on your weight in terms of the shape that you will achieve, uh,
37:25and how you do that balance between muscle and fat.
37:28The facial change.
37:29You're just telling me to do exercise now.
37:32No.
37:36Hi.
37:36Hello.
37:37I'm here for my personal training session with Matt.
37:39Are you training with?
37:40Um, Matt.
37:41Hey.
37:42Matthew.
37:42Hi.
37:43Nice to meet you.
37:44Good.
37:44You ready for, uh, some pain today?
37:47No.
37:48Okay.
37:49So, uh, talk to me, John.
37:51Tell me what you think about yourself.
37:55I would like a bit more muscle because I think my muscles are very undefined at the moment.
38:01Okay.
38:01The way you stand, your posture is, is terrible.
38:04Um.
38:06And I think that that's because of, that you're a bit shy.
38:10Um, but, but, you know, doing this, getting in the gym and, and starting to work out a
38:16bit, it helps with that as well.
38:20And it helps you kind of self-identify a little bit better.
38:25Nice.
38:26Good.
38:26Jumping jacks.
38:27And spring back up.
38:29Yeah.
38:29Spring.
38:30And spring.
38:31Let's go.
38:31Do not stop.
38:32One.
38:33Good.
38:33It's not like pain, it's more like turning to water, running away from my bones.
38:38Let's go.
38:39Come on.
38:39Yeah.
38:41We'll rest after that.
38:42Let's go.
38:42Stop crying.
38:43Come on.
38:43Let's go.
38:44Up five.
38:45Five.
38:47Three.
38:48Okay.
38:50And up.
38:51Five.
38:53Nine.
38:53Good.
38:54Down.
38:54Five.
38:54You just keep those shoulders back, okay?
38:56Ow.
38:57Six.
38:57It's gonna burn, yeah?
38:59Ow.
38:59Guess what burning is?
39:00Ow.
39:01Guess what burning is?
39:02Ow.
39:02Burning is not ow.
39:03Burning is biceps growing.
39:05Ow.
39:06I'm gonna be sick.
39:07Burning is biceps growing.
39:08Come on.
39:09You can't give up like that.
39:11I am...
39:12You feeling sick?
39:13Yeah.
39:13Like nauseous?
39:16John.
39:17Come here.
39:19John, come here.
39:25Did I kill you?
39:26Good.
39:28That's part of it.
39:32Do you have any questions for me about the workout today or about your fitness program?
39:37Uh, there's something we haven't been telling you.
39:39Ah.
39:40Um, I am a dude, but I'm a trans dude.
39:44I don't know.
39:44What do you mean?
39:45I'm a trans man.
39:46What does that mean?
39:47I was born female.
39:48Really?
39:49Yeah.
39:50Wow, that's a shock.
39:51There's documentaries about me being trans and coming into my manhood.
39:55Honestly, for 16, you seem pretty, like a 16 year old boy to me.
40:01Um, with all those same issues.
40:05And, um...
40:07You took that really well.
40:08How am I supposed to take it?
40:10I don't know.
40:11Take it out?
40:12I mean...
40:13That's not real life.
40:14I think when somebody makes their choice about something so serious, honestly, it just
40:19feels very natural to me.
40:21Yeah.
40:22From you.
40:22That's the sense I get.
40:23Yeah, it is.
40:24Yeah.
40:24I think this is something that will be really helpful for you to stick with for a couple
40:30reasons.
40:31I think, number one, you're gonna have to learn how to, even without the hormones and fighting
40:38your own estrogen levels, you're gonna have to learn how to bring out that testosterone.
40:44And, I think, number two is just being in this environment, helping you fit in to your role
40:55as a young and growing man.
40:58You know, you're in a gym, which is the, you know, the temple of masculinity.
41:06You know what I mean?
41:07You didn't twig that I had boobs.
41:12Well, I mean, it explains the posture to me a bit, you know, I mean...
41:16Yeah, the typical trans man posture slouch.
41:19Yeah, exactly, because you're trying to hide your, you know, any perceived femininity that
41:24you have, but you gotta get over that.
41:26You know, when you had your posture back and standing up straight, if I thought that
41:30that brought out something feminine in you, or I had noticed breasts or something like
41:35that, I would tell you.
41:38It doesn't.
41:39It doesn't.
41:40Okay, thank you.
41:40It doesn't.
41:41So, that's not something you should be afraid of.
41:44How long is this process gonna be for you?
41:46Um, eighteen, I can legally get surgery.
41:50Yeah?
41:50Uh, but I have to be on hormones, I think, it's two years.
41:53Two years.
41:54So, we started just now?
41:55I started a few months, three months back.
41:59Oh, that's really recent.
42:01Wow.
42:02Mm-hmm.
42:03And something you've always known, like...
42:06Yeah, pretty much.
42:07Crazy.
42:08Best of luck to you.
42:09Thank you very much.
42:10Okay.
42:14Today I'm going to the barbers for the first time.
42:17I mean, it's traditionally where men go together haircuts, so I guess it's sort
42:21of a rite of passage.
42:23I had noticed underneath here, hair was growing.
42:25And, yeah, I was really shocked.
42:29And, yeah, I did run down and tell my mum.
42:32I'm so happy for him.
42:35The treatment's working.
42:37He's just so much happier within himself.
42:41I suppose, in a sense, and this sounds very selfish.
42:45Like, his happiness is kind of like...
42:50It's part of my grief, in a sense, you know?
42:53Because his tremendous joy at, wow, facial hair is my kind of, gosh...
42:59You know, my daughter, I mean, she went a long time ago,
43:04but is now physically, you know, disappearing.
43:09The barbershop technique is that we move forward and we put her head in the sink.
43:13Okay?
43:14Okay.
43:15I haven't done that before.
43:17No, unisex salons normally go backwash.
43:19And that's for the make-up and for the length of the hair.
43:27I guess I feel nervous about passing, but with the changes I'm experiencing
43:32with the facial hair and the voice dropping
43:35and the fat redistributing from my face to other areas of my body,
43:41that really makes me feel more male.
43:44So I don't worry about it as much.
43:46What are these for?
43:47They're just to tidy up the neck hair, okay?
43:49Yeah.
43:50Just to clean up all the little fluffy bits around the edges.
43:54Give you little sideburns as well.
43:56Now, I can see you've got a bit of facial hair coming through.
44:00Yeah.
44:01Would you like Ben, our shaver, to come in and give you a wet shave
44:05and work through the process?
44:06Yeah.
44:06And that will probably help your stubble to grow.
44:09Hi, mate. How are you going?
44:10I'm all right, yeah.
44:11Good, good, good.
44:12All right, so your hair's looking good?
44:14Excellent.
44:16So, as my boss was saying, he's seen you've got a little bit of stubble coming through.
44:19Yeah.
44:19So if you want to grow your beard and everything,
44:21I think the best thing to do is keep shaving it,
44:23because obviously the more you shave, the quicker and stronger it'll come back.
44:26Yeah.
44:27So just to soften the bristles that you have, even though...
44:32It's not quite a Viking beard yet.
44:34No, not quite, no.
44:36A few more years, mate.
44:37You'll come.
44:38You'll come.
44:42I guess all boys wait for that moment when they can finally shave properly,
44:47because they have stubble and hair growth.
44:50But for me, it's even more important because I can't have that naturally,
44:54and it's just because I'm on testosterone that I can have that.
44:58So it's just marking my transition.
45:02It's very special.
45:03It's a defining moment.
45:05It feels very smooth, obviously.
45:08Yes, that's the idea, man.
45:09Yeah, no, it's meant to be.
45:15I'm on my third month of testosterone treatment.
45:19Within the last week or so, my voice has gotten really duped,
45:22so I'm really pleased with that.
45:24Also starting to get hair on my chest and facial hair as well.
45:27All right, let's get going.
45:28John is changing so much, and at this stage, you know,
45:31he just looks like a young lad.
45:33A handsome young lad.
45:35Go for it.
45:35Yeah.
45:35This is going to be the first photo that will be myself and my son.
45:40Like that, yeah, that's it.
45:42Can you stop sweating on me?
45:44I can't!
45:45I can't!
45:46Can you stop sweating?
45:46No!
45:47I can't.
45:49I can't.
45:51I can't!
45:52I can't.
45:56I can't.
45:57I can't.
46:08It's cool because I haven't noticed it before,
46:11only in the last week that I've noticed it actually starting to be prominent, so...
46:16I feel a lot happier now than two years ago
46:19because two years ago I was just discovering who I was
46:22and that in turn made me very frustrated and confused.
46:28But now I'm happy with how things are going.
46:32That's awesome.
46:33I feel quite emotional, you know,
46:36because what I see there is how I feel about John.
46:39There's just so much happiness and such a bond, you know.
46:43I see a young lad, I see my son
46:46and he just looks comfortable in his own skin.
46:51That's just fantastic, that's how it should be.
46:54Yeah, it's good being able to look forward
46:57and seeing myself living, normally living adult life as a male, so...
47:04It makes me smile because I just think it's...
47:07Oh, he's got so much to look forward to.
47:13I want him just to grow up and to live his life just well.
47:20And that is what he's doing.
47:21He is living his best against all odds.
47:24And I'm very, very proud of him.
47:27Very, very proud of my son. Very.
47:30I don't really want to put anything much behind me.
47:33I think this is all part of who I am and the journey that I've undergone.
47:38So even though there's been some really tough times,
47:41I don't want to forget any of them because it's moulded me as a person.
47:46I'm a guy. I'm just a guy.
47:50But I was born differently from other guys.
47:54Thank you very much.
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