Skip to playerSkip to main content
Jsamoan
  • 2 days ago
QI XL S23E03 - Weaponry

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00Music
00:04Music
00:10Music
00:16Music
00:20Music
00:24Music
00:28Music
00:38Music
00:40Music
00:44Music
00:46Music
00:50Latin
00:52Music
00:56A bit of a blunt instrument, it's Nish Kumar!
01:03And always a loose cannon, it's Alan Davis!
01:12Right, let's hear their killer buzzers. Lou goes.
01:16Huh?
01:18Rasheen goes.
01:20Ooh!
01:22Nish goes.
01:24Wow.
01:25Alan goes.
01:27WHISTLE BLOWS
01:29That's nice.
01:36Well, it is dangerous with him.
01:39Right, time to open up the armoury for question one.
01:43I want you to look under your desks, you've each got an objet.
01:46I want to know how you would use it to win a war.
01:51So let's start with you, Lou.
01:53How would you use honey to win a war?
01:57Oh, I might say, do you want to swap this honey?
02:01For a little bit of peace.
02:03LAUGHTER
02:04I actually gave my neighbour a jar of honey to say sorry, and they still hate me.
02:12What did you, what had you done, darling?
02:14I...
02:15Well, I...
02:16That doesn't matter as much.
02:17LAUGHTER
02:21I, erm...
02:22I stole their beehive.
02:24LAUGHTER
02:25It's used to defeat Roman troops.
02:30It's a particular kind of honey.
02:32Manuka.
02:34I just like how you say that.
02:35You're looking so attractive today.
02:38LAUGHTER
02:39Something about you.
02:40I don't know.
02:41I'm on the turn.
02:42LAUGHTER
02:44There was a Greek geographer called Strabo.
02:46I mean, he was also a historian.
02:48And he wrote about General Pompey, who attacked the kingdom of Pontus in the Pontiac Mountains.
02:53So it's Turkey these days.
02:55So, this is a genuine story.
02:56So, Pompey attacked the kingdom of Pontus in the Pontiac Mountains and they left behind vast amounts of honey.
03:02Now, the bees had fed on rhododendron, which contains a hallucinogenic poison called graenotoxin.
03:09So the honey was two things.
03:10It was highly hallucinogenic and a laxative.
03:14LAUGHTER
03:16Sign me up.
03:18So, as you're crapping yourself, you're thinking, oh, what's coming out of me?
03:22Yeah.
03:23Yeah.
03:24Yeah.
03:25You can still, actually, weirdly, you can buy this honey.
03:27It's called mad honey.
03:28I'm writing it down.
03:29Are you sure you want to write it down?
03:30Mad honey.
03:31It's mostly for people who need it for their libido.
03:33Just saying if that's...
03:34Ah!
03:35Two times.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:45You can still buy it in Turkey and certain places.
03:47Wait, the honey that makes you poop yourself is good for sex.
03:50Well, the trick is to not take very much.
03:52And if you take a little bit, it gives you a buzz.
03:54If you take a lot, you shit yourself and fall over.
03:57LAUGHTER
03:59It's too hard of almost anything you eat.
04:02LAUGHTER
04:03That was a really nice bit because I kept thinking that you were calling me honey
04:06and I really liked it.
04:08LAUGHTER
04:09Shall I call you honey for the rest of it?
04:10Yeah!
04:11All right, honey.
04:12LAUGHTER
04:14Did the bees sting the people and then they got the shits
04:17or did...
04:18What happened?
04:19LAUGHTER
04:23You're the girl at the back of the class that we hope is good at netball
04:26because it's very...
04:29That was very good.
04:30Very good.
04:33So, they made honey.
04:34Yes.
04:35But the bees had partaken of a hallucinogenic
04:38which therefore went into the honey.
04:40Oh, OK, right, OK.
04:41I get it now.
04:42Does that make sense?
04:43LAUGHTER
04:44Did they do this deliberately?
04:45Was this like a deliberate act of chemical warfare?
04:46Yes, it was.
04:47Biological warfare, yeah.
04:48Biological warfare is horrible.
04:50But, I mean, obviously it's not ideal to lose a war,
04:52but if you did it in a kind of blizzard of sexual arousal and poop...
04:57LAUGHTER
04:59I don't know, Nish, I don't know.
05:02LAUGHTER
05:03It's just another Friday night for you.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:07That's your podcast.
05:10Sexual arousal and poop.
05:12LAUGHTER
05:13Boners and the brown stuff.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:16Tell me, Nish, what you're holding.
05:18How might you win a war with it?
05:19I seem to be holding a shovel.
05:21What would you do with it?
05:22I guess, like, disguise myself.
05:25I'd be like, oh, hello, I'm a humble gardener.
05:27Ba-ba-dum-ba-dum, no threat pose.
05:29And then BAM!
05:30Shoot through the hole.
05:32Well, you are entirely correct.
05:34No!
05:35So, the actual thing was a little bit larger than the one we've given you.
05:47It was called the Macadam Shield Shovel, and it was the brainchild of Ina Macadam.
05:51She was the secretary to the Canadian Minister of Defence in 1914.
05:55And she suggested to her boss, Sir Sam Hughes, to patent this invention, and he named it after her.
06:00So, basically, a thick steel spade, right, that was designed for both digging trenches and deflecting bullets.
06:06So, the idea is you're digging away a thing, somebody fires at you, you can spike the whole thing in the ground,
06:11and then fire, exactly as you suggested, fire at the enemy through the hole.
06:16During World War I, they sent 25,000 of these out to the Canadian troops in Europe, and they were useless.
06:22Yes.
06:23Completely useless.
06:25If you've got a hole in a spade, you cannot dig with it.
06:28Oh, no.
06:30You just do one of those little keyhole covers, comes down over it, clip into place.
06:35If only you'd been there.
06:36Bony.
06:38Unfortunately, the metal that they used wouldn't even stop small-caliber ammunition.
06:43So, didn't stop bullets, wasn't any good for digging.
06:46I'm just thrilled that I've maintained my proud 100% record of only getting questions right on QI by total accident.
06:55Anyway, they sent them out, beginning of the war, 1917, 88% of them had been scrapped for metal,
07:00and poor Ina McAdam, who came up with it, said she was very embarrassed by the whole thing,
07:04and wished it had never happened.
07:07Right, Conkers, come on.
07:08Conkers?
07:09Yes.
07:10Who wants one?
07:11Oh, don't throw, OK.
07:13You swing them, Sandy, you swing them.
07:16Hang on a second, hang on a second.
07:17Hang on a second.
07:18Hang on a second.
07:19You've got to do it.
07:20You've got to do it.
07:21You've got to do it.
07:22You've got to do technique.
07:23Oh, yes.
07:24You would have done it.
07:26Oh, either way.
07:28Oh, that's good stuff.
07:29Yeah, now good luck ever seeing this conker come in.
07:40Think how much quicker we'd have won the war if we didn't.
07:43I mean, no war's ever decided.
07:45After three or four years of trench, they just say,
07:48let's just have a game of conkers and call it.
07:51Oh, shit.
07:54This is how I hated this game.
07:55Did you never like it?
07:56I hurt myself.
07:57I always hurt myself with this.
07:59Alan, World War I.
08:00World War I, Conkers, any thoughts about why it might have been useful?
08:05Poison.
08:06They're poisonous.
08:07Poisonous.
08:08Put them in the suit.
08:09What about boners and pooping?
08:12It's going to be really hard to get you back from there, isn't it?
08:14So it can be used to make acetone, which is a key ingredient in gunpowder.
08:22So before 1917, they used fermented grain.
08:24They used potatoes, but then they wanted to have all that stuff for food.
08:27So they thought, let's use the conkers.
08:29And they got British children to collect conkers and they were paid seven and six per hundred weight,
08:36which is 50 kilos of conkers, right?
08:38It's about more than 6,000 conkers.
08:40And they collected 3,000 tonnes of conkers.
08:45And what do you think happened?
08:47I was going to say all of that.
08:50I was trying to save you the bother.
08:53Honey.
08:55I don't know.
08:56I got a feeling something went horribly wrong.
08:58Yes, they hadn't worked out all the transport.
09:00Lots and lots of them went rotten at railway stations.
09:02And then when they did get them into the factories, the chemists couldn't work out how to extract the acetone.
09:09So did the kids have to give the money back?
09:11No, the kids kept the money and they kept it going because it was good for morale.
09:15Now, what have you got, Rasheen?
09:17I've got myself a rat.
09:19What do you reckon?
09:20How would you use that to win a war?
09:22Well, I think it was love rats.
09:23I think they just got a bunch of hot men or women or whoever into an area and just sort of got the soldiers
09:31absolutely horned up.
09:33OK, so it is the use of an actual rat.
09:36Diseases.
09:37Yeah, plague.
09:38Terrible diseases.
09:39I mean, that is a thought.
09:40It's another kind of biological weapon.
09:42No, the idea was, in 1941, the British military intelligence officers filled rodents with explosives.
09:48Rat attack!
09:49Yes.
09:50They made rat bombs.
09:54Rat bomb.
09:55The rat is dead.
09:56Can I just say this rat is dead?
09:57The rat's not like, oh, what is that?
10:01I'm going to get a ticket.
10:02I'm going to get a ticket.
10:03I'm going to get a ticket.
10:04I'm going to get a ticket.
10:05Jesus Christ.
10:06Your ticket as well.
10:07Your ticket as well.
10:08I'm going to get a ticket.
10:09They're not rationing out the Vaseline.
10:11Christ.
10:12It's driving me mad.
10:16The ticket's driving me mad.
10:18Anyway, the plan was to leave them near factory boiler rooms in Germany.
10:23And here was the theory.
10:24Somebody in Germany would see a dead rat and they think, oh, we can't have that there.
10:27And they would throw it straight into the furnace.
10:30Oh.
10:31And then even though it was only a small amount of explosive, it would be enough to cause a massive blast.
10:36Do you think it worked?
10:38Yes.
10:39Rat attack.
10:40Somebody said no and I'm going to go with them.
10:42That's it.
10:43It sort of worked because the Nazis intercepted the first batch and they thought that the allies must be doing this all the time.
10:51And they'd hidden loads.
10:52So they wasted loads of time looking for rat bombs.
10:55And in fact, deactivating rat bombs was studied in German military school.
11:00Wow.
11:01Wow.
11:02It sort of worked.
11:03Yeah.
11:04Kind of.
11:05I've got a thing which I think this is very good.
11:08So what I've got in here is some white powder.
11:12Explosives.
11:13Bicarbonate of soda.
11:14So it's often made from ground rose hips, which are very...
11:18Drugs.
11:19...prickly.
11:20It's itching powder.
11:21Ah.
11:22It's itching powder.
11:23So in the Second World War, the Allied spies would dust Nazi bedsheets with itching powder.
11:28My favourite, Norwegian resistance people, even coated the inside of condoms and sent them for free.
11:35LAUGHTER
11:36APPLAUSE
11:38That's so cool.
11:40Send them for free to brothels.
11:45LAUGHTER
11:46Right.
11:47What was the favourite weapon of the hammer of the Scots?
11:51Is that a clue?
11:52Yeah.
11:53No.
11:54That's just a Scottish person.
11:56LAUGHTER
11:57Is it the power of words?
11:59LAUGHTER
12:00And they are powerful.
12:02I mean, I love that.
12:03They are powerful, thank you.
12:04Was it a hammer?
12:06APPLAUSE
12:07So the hammer of the Scots was King Edward I of England, because he was trying to assert sovereignty over Scotland.
12:21There he is, trying to do it.
12:221304, he and his troops were laying siege to Stirling Castle in Scotland.
12:26And the castle was heavily fortified and they thought, we're never going to make this happen.
12:29So, he got 50 carpenters.
12:31I don't know how he did this.
12:32Can I just say, he's away from home, right?
12:34I can't get one near my house.
12:35LAUGHTER
12:3650 carpenters to build the world's biggest trebuchet.
12:41Does anyone know what a trebuchet is?
12:43It's a catapult.
12:44It is a kind of catapult, right.
12:45Oh.
12:46So, this is very exciting, because I have a small one here.
12:49Whoa, that's cool.
12:50So, it's a type of catapult that uses a massive counterweight to launch a projectile.
12:55So, we just thought we'd give it a go here.
12:57Now, I've got some little sweets.
12:59Now, Nish.
13:01This is rubbish.
13:02It was absolutely...
13:03You ready?
13:04LAUGHTER
13:05That's better than the trebuchet.
13:06I think I didn't do it violently enough.
13:07Did you think that was better?
13:08Oh, my God.
13:09Yeah, there's something going on.
13:10The one that they built, Edward called it the war wolf.
13:25It was phenomenal.
13:26It was 90 metres tall.
13:27It had 30 wagons of materials in it.
13:29It took three months to build.
13:3090 metres.
13:3190 metres.
13:32It took three months to build.
13:33It was just amazing.
13:34Now, the fact is, he's building it out there, right, for ages, in plain view of all the besieged
13:39inhabitants, and they were running out of food anyway.
13:41So, they went out when they saw they were building this thing and went,
13:43It's OK.
13:44White flag.
13:45Totally give in.
13:46But now that Edward had built it, he really wanted to try it.
13:50So, he just pelted the castle anyway.
13:53And they launched Greek fire, which is kind of the napalm of the day.
13:57There was petrol and resin and stuff.
13:59And by the time the attack was finished, only 30 people were alive and the castle was going
14:02to...
14:03Wait, so they surrendered and he still was like, I'm going to napalm you?
14:06Yeah.
14:07He built a special platform nearby so that the ladies of the court could watch the destruction
14:13of the castle.
14:14Yeah.
14:15What was his relationship with his mother like?
14:16These weapons have existed for centuries.
14:21I mean, probably invented in China.
14:231521, the conquistador Hernán Gótez, he was seeking treasure and he used one in the battle
14:28to attack the Aztec Empire.
14:30So, the Spanish are running low on gunpowder and they think, what shall we do?
14:33Let's make a triple shake because we haven't got enough gunpowder to attack the Aztecs.
14:37They wanted their gold.
14:38They didn't have any engineers but they did have a soldier who'd once seen one.
14:42So, he dropped some plans and when it finally came to being launched, they used the massive
14:50rock, right, the rock went straight up and came straight back down.
14:55Straight back down.
14:58Less successful.
14:59Anybody know what a ballista is?
15:01It's another kind of old weapon?
15:03They make coffee.
15:05Lethal, poisonous coffee that they hurl into the castle.
15:10That would be fantastic, wouldn't it?
15:13A ballista.
15:14Is it like a missile?
15:15Like an early missile?
15:16It's like another catapult.
15:17So, those are kind of missiles, aren't they?
15:19But this one is shaped like a crossbow.
15:20It was used by the ancient Greeks and the Romans.
15:22It looked like that.
15:23And they worked by building up tension in a skein or length of rope or cord or hair that
15:28was twisted round and round and round very tightly and held into a twisted position.
15:31And then when you release the trigger, the thing would unravel and shoot all that energy
15:36into hurling a projectile.
15:38And it was believed that the best stuff to make it out of was women's hair.
15:42So, when Rome was at war, women who had short hair were seen as patriotic.
15:47Because it was thought that they had given their hair to the...
15:50Could they use it for nice courses like Amazon parcels?
15:53They send letters or mail?
15:55Amatine's Day.
15:56To send in chocolate.
15:58Yeah.
15:59What about an alternative form of public transport?
16:02Like, you just sit down and then you're like, whoa!
16:05I'm going to try one more time, just because I really...
16:07I'm just going to put one in.
16:08Do you think that will make a difference?
16:10OK.
16:11What, are you going to launch at me?
16:13Absolutely rubbish.
16:14If you asked King Edward for mercy, he'd tell you to sling your hook.
16:23Right.
16:24I don't know how to make it not be upright.
16:27Looks like somebody's had a bit too much special honey.
16:30I said I can take it home.
16:31My wife's thrilled.
16:32Right.
16:33Stand over there.
16:34Stand over there.
16:35It's a purple one.
16:36Right, let's move on to that old perennial, the war of the sexes.
16:52What kind of butts attracted Victorian women who were ready to wed?
16:57Big butts and I cannot lie.
16:59Big butts.
17:00OK.
17:09Any other thoughts?
17:10Water butts.
17:11Ifs and butts.
17:12Ifs and butts.
17:13Yes.
17:14The butts is a common name for an archery field.
17:17Oh.
17:18That's what they're actually called going down the butts.
17:20So, here's the thing.
17:21Unlike most outdoor activities, archery was considered a reasonable and acceptable sport for women.
17:27So, this was a place where men and women could meet.
17:30In the beginning, as early as 1780, there were women's only clubs.
17:33I like this.
17:34They were called the Amazon Archers of England.
17:36And they met in Kent and they used to have archery competitions and then they would have, you know, soirees, suppers, balls and that kind of thing.
17:41I love this.
17:421845, there's a book called The Lady's Companion by Jane Loudon and she put archery in as one of only five acceptable outdoor activities for women alongside boating, sketching, skating and the garden swing.
17:58Oh.
17:59It's acceptable.
18:01When I go down the park with a bow and arrow, people look at me funny.
18:04Princess Victoria, later Queen Victoria, she took it up in 1834 and of course then it became enormously popular.
18:11And then it dies out as croquet and tennis come in.
18:14So, 1870s, you get those two games.
18:16Although, I mean, a lot of people thought not appropriate for women playing croquet.
18:21Not really because a lot of exertion and...
18:24Wait, they thought croquet was a lot of exertion?
18:27Yes.
18:28That's how you play it.
18:30Do you like croquet?
18:31It's quite a violent game, actually.
18:33Oh, yeah.
18:34It's quite vicious.
18:35Absolutely go mad out there when I'm out there.
18:39I'll absolutely take your head off if you get me on the croquet view.
18:42So, here's the thing with archery.
18:44Anybody who wrote about it stressed the beauty of the women who were doing it.
18:48The trim shaft launched from the hand of some fair Toxophyllite, faultless in face and figure.
18:54Hang on, go back, go back.
18:55Toxophyllite.
18:56Yes.
18:57So, Toxon Greek for bow.
18:59Oh, yes, of course.
19:00Philos for lover, Toxophyllite.
19:01The lover of the bow.
19:03The lover of a bow.
19:04Do you like that, Toxophyllite?
19:05I do.
19:06Maybe I changed my name, Sandy Toxophyllite.
19:07I like...
19:08I like a thin shaft being propelled at all time.
19:10Yes.
19:11Trim shaft.
19:13She's saying...
19:14Me?
19:15I'll show you...
19:16Not you, Roisin.
19:17She's saying, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
19:22And he's saying, I will not show you mine.
19:26And she's saying, well, you're wearing a short skirt, you're temptress.
19:29And he's saying, this is not the reason why.
19:31And anyway, you can see mine, I wear it on the outside.
19:34Well, it all looks very nice, but the fact is, if you really did archery,
19:39you can see from the skeletons of medieval and Renaissance archers,
19:42too much can cause serious deformities.
19:44So you have to imagine these long bows, six foot long, taller than most archers,
19:48it required 90 kilograms of force to pull the thing back.
19:52Modern bow only needs about 20 kilograms.
19:54So it's the difference between the force of, say, carrying a, I don't know,
19:57larger gentleman and a six-year-old girl.
20:00So it's about 14 stone.
20:03What do you weigh, Nish?
20:04What do you weigh?
20:05Er, I mean, I'm kind of between weights at the moment.
20:08LAUGHTER
20:10So it's like lifting you.
20:12Quite an interesting way to do weights, like, or a six-year-old girl.
20:15Like, what are we doing?
20:17Who's writing this down?
20:19Firing children!
20:21How much arm would you like, er, about a six-year-old girl?
20:25LAUGHTER
20:27But the thing about professional archers, they would start training
20:29at a really young age and they would draw back their bows repeatedly,
20:32so of course the muscles get very strong, but the bones also get thicker
20:35and denser to compensate and the spines start to twist
20:38and then eventually the drawing arm becomes higher
20:40than the one holding the bow, which you're doing this all the time.
20:42The muscle contracting.
20:43Like my phone arm.
20:44Yeah, you like your phone arm, yeah.
20:45LAUGHTER
20:46Have you been to the Mary Rose Museum in Portsmouth,
20:47which is just fantastic?
20:49Ooh!
20:50Anyway, they have a skeleton from an archer from 1545
20:53and you can see how his spine is all twisted
20:55and he's got one arm that is much lower than the other
20:58and that is from that continuous repetitive thing
21:00of having to deploy all of that.
21:03Longbow is famously used in which British battle?
21:06It's Hastings.
21:07Another one?
21:09Agincourt.
21:10Agincourt.
21:11Yes.
21:12That's not British.
21:13It's in France.
21:14OK.
21:15I was going to say Agincourt.
21:16You just sent me off the scent there.
21:18I've only got one right for the first time since 2005.
21:22LAUGHTER
21:23I'm going to give you five points for correcting me,
21:26because you're right.
21:27You're absolutely right.
21:28It was an English battle taking place somewhere else.
21:31Yes.
21:32Yes.
21:33In France.
21:34LAUGHTER
21:35Do you think that the longbows made them win,
21:38or what else do you think might have made them win?
21:41Did they dip the longbows in boner honey?
21:43LAUGHTER
21:44LAUGHTER
21:45They almost lost because...
21:46They were watching telly.
21:47No, they had an epidemic of...
21:48They went very good.
21:49Oh, they had the shits.
21:50They had the shits.
21:51They had an epidemic of dysentery.
21:52It's the other area.
21:53LAUGHTER
21:54Goodness me, Boners and the Brown Stuff is a podcast that has legs.
21:55LAUGHTER
21:56So they've all got dysentery and they're all going...
21:57Like this, crazy.
21:58And all they did...
21:59Is that the noise that you make when you go...
22:00LAUGHTER
22:01I'm just about to go in the loo.
22:02Is there anyone in there?
22:03LAUGHTER
22:04APPLAUSE
22:05So rather than give up when they had this terrible affliction of dysentery,
22:06they cut off their soiled britches and underwear and went into battle with them.
22:07So they've all got dysentery and they're all going...
22:08Like this, crazy.
22:09And all they did...
22:10Is that the noise that you make when you go...
22:11LAUGHTER
22:12I'm just about to go in the loo.
22:13Is there anyone in there?
22:14LAUGHTER
22:15LAUGHTER
22:16So rather than give up when they had this terrible affliction of dysentery,
22:30they cut off their soiled britches and underwear and went into battle without...
22:35It would be a good thing to know all of the great days of history
22:40that were ruined by the shits.
22:41LAUGHTER
22:42Wait, hang on.
22:43They cut off their britches and their underwear for ease of evacuation.
22:48Wait, so they just...
22:49Carried on fighting.
22:50They just ran into battle, just with...
22:53Yeah.
22:54Why is that not a film?
22:55Yeah.
22:56LAUGHTER
22:59If there was a whole army running towards you,
23:01just fully Winnie the Pooh-ing it, like...
23:03LAUGHTER
23:04Literally!
23:05LAUGHTER
23:08Oh, my God.
23:10It would be unbelievable.
23:11Just a bunch of people like the French going,
23:13Is that...?
23:14LAUGHTER
23:16Did they throw their pants at the enemy or not?
23:18No, darling.
23:19They just...
23:20That's a waste of weaponry.
23:21That's a waste of weaponry.
23:22That's a waste of weaponry.
23:23You just sort of sling it...
23:24What were they thinking?
23:25Oh, I know.
23:26They needed both hands for the...
23:27Yeah.
23:28So, wait, did they just cut a hole at the back?
23:30Apparently they cut them off with a knife and...
23:31Like your shovel!
23:32LAUGHTER
23:33We're back in the game.
23:35LAUGHTER
23:36They went into battle without, basically, their underwear and the...
23:38Yeah.
23:39Yeah.
23:40Anyway, what is the best weapon to ward off a wasp?
23:44They don't like a vacuum cleaner.
23:46Ooh!
23:47OK.
23:48Because they just...
23:49They're there.
23:50And then...
23:51They're gone.
23:52LAUGHTER
23:53They...
23:54Always have one at a picnic.
23:55Yeah.
23:56LAUGHTER
23:57Oh, there's a wasp and there's a...
23:58Any more!
23:59LAUGHTER
24:00It's not fun when you change the bag.
24:02LAUGHTER
24:07It's nearer Nish's area, this?
24:09This is...
24:10My ass!
24:11LAUGHTER
24:12Yeah?
24:13People put distracting things near to a picnic, don't they?
24:16You mean like, maybe like...
24:17A jar of something sticky that they go to.
24:19Yeah.
24:20Like a jar of...
24:21Poo?
24:22Is correct.
24:23LAUGHTER
24:24That's the same...
24:25That's the same way you get rid of men in the morning.
24:30LAUGHTER
24:31LAUGHTER
24:32LAUGHTER
24:33LAUGHTER
24:34LAUGHTER
24:39LAUGHTER
24:40You're doing a jar?
24:42LAUGHTER
24:43See ya!
24:44LAUGHTER
24:45LAUGHTER
24:46Leave it in between, yeah?
24:48Morning!
24:49LAUGHTER
24:50I've got to go to work, actually.
24:51LAUGHTER
24:52I've known Lou, but I think about 15 years.
24:55And for some reason, that is the first time I've seen you
24:58actually shock yourself with something you've said.
25:01LAUGHTER
25:02So, we're talking about animals.
25:03So, there is a fantastic creature called the silver-spotted
25:06skipper caterpillar.
25:07Look at that, it's a beautiful thing.
25:08Ooh!
25:09So, it is preyed on by parasitic wasps who are attracted by
25:13the smell of the caterpillar's frass, which is a wonderful word.
25:17And it is the technical name for insect poo.
25:20Oh!
25:21What they do, these caterpillars, they forcibly eject their frass
25:24from their backside using an anal comb.
25:28So, it's a fine-toothed pincer, it comes down, it pinches the anus,
25:34and it sends the frass flying out like a diddlywink.
25:38LAUGHTER
25:40And because the wasp are attracted to the smell of the frass,
25:43this diverts them away from the actual caterpillar because it goes,
25:45oh, where the hell was that?
25:46And it follows the tiddlywink.
25:47And they can send their poo 38 times their body length away,
25:51so it's the equivalent, Alan, if you like, of a human launching their poo
25:55across the width of a football field.
25:57LAUGHTER
25:58LAUGHTER
25:59LAUGHTER
26:00This was discovered by a biologist called Martha Weiss.
26:04She's now a professor.
26:05She discovered it in 2003.
26:06So she'd collected a load of these skipper caterpillars,
26:08and she's got them in a box, and she suddenly hears this ping,
26:11ping, ping, and it was the sound of them squirting out this...
26:15well, pinching out this frass, and she went on to discover 17 different
26:24families of moths and butterflies have this similarly exploding anus.
26:29Wow.
26:30I know.
26:31Listen, I'm just saying, we're always looking for new Olympic sports.
26:36LAUGHTER
26:38I say we just have a bunch of athletes bent over, flying out,
26:42then they measure it like the javelin throw,
26:44and then there'll be inevitable allegations,
26:46he's doping, I saw him with the special honey.
26:48LAUGHTER
26:50There's a caterpillar in...
26:52Loads of them in London called the Gypsy Moth Caterpillar.
26:55They are poo shooters, OK?
26:57They expel so much frass that if you are in London on a dry day
27:02and you hear a pitter-patter that sounds like rain,
27:05it's caterpillar poo coming down from the trees above you in a park.
27:10Ooh!
27:11I'm just putting it out there for you to enjoy.
27:13LAUGHTER
27:14Why is that not in a film?
27:15Yes!
27:16No!
27:17Why is that not in a film?
27:18OK, so we do have a film for you which I think you're going to really enjoy.
27:20Oh, God.
27:21OK.
27:22So grasshoppers sometimes kick their frass away when they've done their business
27:26and they use their back leg to propel the poo ten times their body length.
27:31So I'm going to do this again for you.
27:33It's the equivalent of a human scoring a goal from the penalty spot with their poo.
27:37OK.
27:38That's the...
27:39That's the distance, OK?
27:40The dream.
27:41Yeah.
27:43Now, do you want to see that?
27:44Yes.
27:45Oh, my God.
27:46OK.
27:47Yeah, let's have a look.
27:48There it's up in the top right corner.
27:49You can see it creating a thing and it's getting its leg ready.
27:52Whoa.
27:53Here we go.
27:54And it's going to go...
27:55Yeah!
27:56There we go.
27:57LAUGHTER
27:58And we can see it again in slow motion.
27:59What's that?
28:00VAR.
28:01There we go.
28:02Oh, my God.
28:03Yeah.
28:04Is that fantastic?
28:05On the volley as well.
28:06I know.
28:07I thought...
28:08I assumed that it would drop it and then take it like a penalty gig.
28:11That's much harder to do.
28:12OK.
28:13There's one that's even more impressive which I just think is fantastic.
28:15It's the North American tortoise beetle.
28:16I'm slightly obsessed with tortoise beetles because they're so beautiful.
28:19But this one is not so beautiful.
28:21So the tortoise beetle is the bit at the bottom.
28:23The bit at the top is the thing it has sculpted for itself out of its own frass.
28:28Right?
28:29So it has, this beetle, has an extremely long and flexible anus that ends in an anal fork.
28:37And when it defecates it can impale the poo on the fork and it can then place it on its own
28:42back to create a sort of faecal shield.
28:45And obviously this deters predators because they think what the hell is that?
28:49And some of them sculpt legs like this one has done so it looks like another creature
28:53that is sitting on top of them and this keeps the insects and spiders away
28:56that might try and be prejudiced.
28:57It's just another one on the list of things you might come back as.
29:00Yes.
29:01Yes.
29:07It looks like when you try to out-crazy the crazy.
29:10Yes.
29:11Like...
29:12He hasn't brushed his hair in a while.
29:13I was going to say that's literally what I look like when I wake up in the morning.
29:17LAUGHTER
29:18That's because of your flexible anus.
29:20LAUGHTER
29:21That's not a great example of the very beautiful ones.
29:23Can I just say, some of them, do check them out, they're just amazing.
29:26The tortoise beetle...
29:27Ooh!
29:28Sorry.
29:29Look at those.
29:30They use them in jewellery, some of the...
29:31Oh, what do you mean?
29:32What I mean is that the shell of the beetle can...
29:34Well, if it shows up looking like that you're going to wear it.
29:36LAUGHTER
29:37But that's not wearing its poo on its back, that's...
29:41No, no.
29:42Which is less attractive, I think.
29:43I would wear the other one as jewellery.
29:45LAUGHTER
29:46Anyway, which of the Windsors has recently been demoted for behaving like a goat?
29:54Is it Princess?
29:55Yeah!
29:56LAUGHTER
29:57APPLAUSE
30:04Is it a dog?
30:05You said dog?
30:06Dog.
30:07We're in the right area, we're in an animal area.
30:09It's an actual...
30:10Cat.
30:11LAUGHTER
30:12LAUGHTER
30:132006, Lance Corporal William Billy Windsor was demoted for falling out of line during
30:19a parade for Queen Elizabeth II and for head-butting a drummer.
30:23LAUGHTER
30:25Is he a person?
30:26No, no, he is.
30:28LAUGHTER
30:29A goat as a mascot.
30:30A real goat!
30:31A regimental mascot.
30:32A real goat!
30:33A regimental mascot.
30:34LAUGHTER
30:35A real goat!
30:36Can I just say, I'm glad that you said that, because the whole time I was like,
30:39wow, that bloke has had a shock.
30:40Thank you!
30:41LAUGHTER
30:42It was a man dressed as an animal, who was like in the Royal Parade going...
30:46It's a goat.
30:47It's a goat.
30:48Goat.
30:49It's a goat.
30:50It's a goat.
30:51Goat.
30:52Oh, for...
30:53Salute!
30:54LAUGHTER
30:55Did you think it was a man as well?
30:56Misbehaved on parade.
30:58He said he batted a drummer.
30:59Oh, yeah.
31:00OK.
31:01A man dressed as a goat like that idiot thought.
31:04LAUGHTER
31:05Right.
31:06There it is!
31:07There it is!
31:08There it is!
31:09Oh, he looks like trouble.
31:10Look at his eye.
31:11He's so hacked off.
31:13You wouldn't want to be head-butted by that.
31:15I told you, I'm not wearing this again.
31:17I've said it many times.
31:19And he didn't join the army.
31:21Travel the world, learn new skills.
31:23LAUGHTER
31:25The Royal Welsh Regiment has had a goat as their mascot since the 1770s.
31:30So, the story goes, at the Battle of Bunker Hill, which is 1775 in the United States,
31:35a wild goat wandered onto the battlefield and it led the regiment to safety.
31:39That's going in the film?
31:40Yeah.
31:41LAUGHTER
31:47This wipes itself.
31:48It's going to be the best war movie ever.
31:50But anyway, in 1884, Queen Victoria, she gifted the Royal Welsh a cashmere goat.
31:54As their mascot and it's become a thing ever since.
31:57So, if the goat dies or they need a new one, they write to the King or Queen
32:00and say, please, can I have a new one from the Royal Herd?
32:03Technically, they're not just a mascot.
32:05They are a ranking member of the regiment.
32:07Oh!
32:08So, they get a salary towards their uniform.
32:10They get accommodation, which often includes a radio and a sofa.
32:14LAUGHTER
32:15I'm sure that doesn't say salary.
32:17LAUGHTER
32:20Until at least 2009, I don't know if it happens anymore,
32:22they used to get two cigarettes a day to chew and Guinness.
32:28Wait, so you've given the goat Guinness and fags
32:31and then a surprise that it's pissed at a parade?
32:34LAUGHTER
32:37In Cappalonia, I once nearly got rammed off the mountain by a goat.
32:41What?
32:42And then I was trying to remember all the things that you have to do
32:44to get animals away, like to pee on them or poke their eye or something.
32:47And it started doing the thing with its foot.
32:49And I was so high up and I thought, this is so on brand,
32:51I'm going to get knocked off this mountain by just a massive mountain goat.
32:54And I just shouted, go away, and it just did.
32:57LAUGHTER
32:59Did you shout it in Greek or just in English?
33:02In English, yeah.
33:03You shouted in English?
33:04I did it with the accent.
33:05Oh, fine.
33:08Scene one of the film, I play the goats.
33:12Anyway, poor old Billy Windsor, he had been a lance corporal,
33:14he was demoted to Fusilier,
33:16and that meant nobody had to salute him any more.
33:18Oh, I know.
33:20He ended up at Whipsnade Zoo,
33:22but he has since retained his old rank, and he's 25, I checked,
33:26he's still alive and living at Whipsnade, so that's OK.
33:28Well, imagine at the zoo and this old soldier turns up.
33:31LAUGHTER
33:33Get you lot in order, come on.
33:35LAUGHTER
33:366am, you're on the bugle.
33:38Oh, Christ, it's a fucking zoo.
33:40LAUGHTER
33:41We'll just pay something down looking pissed off.
33:44LAUGHTER
33:45Where's the Guinness?
33:47LAUGHTER
33:48Lights two fags at a time.
33:50LAUGHTER
33:51What, you want me to sit on the floor?
33:53I have a sofa.
33:54LAUGHTER
33:55Er, when in uniform, Billy Windsor had to do as he was told.
33:58No buts.
34:00LAUGHTER
34:01Oh, you were with me up until then.
34:03LAUGHTER
34:04And now it's all aboard the blunderbuss
34:06as we marshal ourselves for a round of general ignorance.
34:09Fingers on buzzers, please.
34:11In Bram Stoker's Dracula, what weapon killed Dracula?
34:15Er, steak fillet.
34:17LAUGHTER
34:18What a fantastic way to die.
34:29It's what's going to get me.
34:31LAUGHTER
34:32I haven't read it.
34:33Is it a silver bullet?
34:35Ooh!
34:36BUZZER
34:37BUZZER
34:38BUZZER
34:39BUZZER
34:40BUZZER
34:41Pull the curtains, let the sun in.
34:42OK, so not...
34:43Lift the lid.
34:44Not sunlight.
34:45BUZZER
34:46GARLIC!
34:47BUZZER
34:48BUZZER
34:49BUZZER
34:50BUZZER
34:51BUZZER
34:52He got locked in his coffin.
34:53Oh, that's very good.
34:54That's...
34:55Write that down for the film.
34:56That's terribly good.
34:57LAUGHTER
34:58So...
34:59Yes, darling.
35:00Did he have his head chopped off?
35:02Ooh!
35:03Yes, he did have his head chopped off.
35:05Do you know what he had his head chopped off with?
35:07A big old...
35:08axe.
35:09Did you say a big old dick?
35:11Yes.
35:12LAUGHTER
35:17That's not going in the film, Nish!
35:19LAUGHTER
35:21As we say, his head was cut off with a kukri knife,
35:23which is the ones that the Gurkhas use.
35:25There you are.
35:26One of those large knives.
35:27One protagonist, Jonathan Harker, cuts his head off with that.
35:29But he's also simultaneously stabbed in the heart by another
35:33protagonist, Quincy Morris, with a Bowie knife, which...
35:36Anybody know what a Bowie knife is?
35:38Knife?
35:39It doesn't sound fun.
35:40It's spelled B-O-W-I...
35:41It's spelled B-O-W-I...
35:42Bowie, isn't it?
35:43It's spelled Bowie.
35:44Like David Bowie.
35:45Exactly, but pronounced Bowie.
35:46Named after a frontiersman called James Bowie,
35:48who notoriously killed someone with one of these knives.
35:51Who's this?
35:52This is James Bowie.
35:53Oh, OK.
35:54I thought he's not Dracula.
35:55I thought he looks well.
35:56LAUGHTER
35:59And the knife that we now refer to as the Bowie knife,
36:02which is seen as a sort of symbol of the Wild West,
36:05there it is,
36:06we don't even know if that's what the knife that James Bowie used,
36:09more likely probably a carving knife.
36:10So the idea that Dracula was killed at stake through the heart,
36:13or the idea that sunlight might be dangerous for him,
36:15it comes up in the novel that the idea that he might be killed
36:18at stake at the heart, but the sunlight thing is never mentioned.
36:21It actually comes from a German silent film in 1922 called Nosferatu.
36:25There are various references, anyway, in the book to him going out
36:28during the day to a trip to London Zoo.
36:30Dracula's coming!
36:31Stand by your beds!
36:32LAUGHTER
36:34Shut up, Billy!
36:36It's a zoo!
36:37It's not the army!
36:38LAUGHTER
36:39It's Dracula's coming!
36:40LAUGHTER
36:41David Bowie?
36:42Who said David Bowie?
36:43Oh, I did.
36:44I'm melting!
36:45He was a vampire.
36:46Do you know what his real surname is?
36:48Jones.
36:49Jones, David Jones.
36:50But he called himself after the Bowie knife,
36:52but he didn't know how to pronounce it,
36:54so he called himself David Bowie,
36:56but in fact he should have been David Bowie.
36:58Oh, brilliant fact.
36:59Yeah.
37:00If you're not sure how to kill Dracula,
37:01just take a stab in the dark.
37:03Nice.
37:04I am definitely losing them.
37:06LAUGHTER
37:07This is easy.
37:08What chemical is added to all our tap water?
37:11Yes!
37:12Oh!
37:13Fluoride.
37:14No.
37:15Oh!
37:16Is that not true?
37:17Have I made that up?
37:18It's not true.
37:19You haven't made it up.
37:20It's not true.
37:21Chlorine.
37:22Oh!
37:23Chlorine is added to absolutely all of our water to keep it safe.
37:26Tribina.
37:27LAUGHTER
37:28I'd definitely be less dehydrated if that was in the water.
37:32So, anybody who lives, well, certainly within 50 kilometres of this studio has never had fluoride added to their
37:40tap water.
37:41It's only about 9% of the UK population that has it artificially added.
37:45So, I think we've got a map.
37:46You can see parts of West Midlands and Berkshire and North Lincolnshire and Nottinghamshire.
37:50What have they done to deserve it?
37:52Well, the thing is, it's good stuff.
37:54It stops cavities and strengthens the tooth enamel.
37:56And there is a plan to increase the amount of fluoride across the country.
38:01Basically, one part fluoride to a million parts water.
38:04The best thing you can do if you're in an area without adding fluoride is what?
38:08Brush your teeth.
38:09Brush your teeth.
38:10Yes, and while you're brushing your teeth...
38:11Don't spit.
38:12Don't spit it out is the answer.
38:13Is that true?
38:14Yeah.
38:15But we do have chlorine, as you suggested, because it disinfects the water.
38:17So, the whole thing about fluoride was discovered by a young dentist called Frederick Mackay.
38:22In 1901, there was a place in Colorado Springs where people got what he called Colorado brown
38:29stains.
38:30So, their teeth were all stained the colour of chocolate.
38:32And he wanted to find out what it was.
38:34But they were also unusually resistant to decay.
38:37So, what happens if you have too much fluoride, it makes your teeth go brown, but they are very,
38:42very strong.
38:43And what they realised is if you reduce the concentration of fluoride, then you'll have
38:47strong teeth and they won't turn chocolatey.
38:49It was all down to him.
38:50Where were they getting the fluoride from?
38:52It was natural in their water.
38:54Now, what shape is a proper all-butter French croissant?
38:59Yes.
39:00Are they completely straight?
39:02Is the right answer.
39:04So, what we've got here is two different kinds.
39:16So, the ones that are this shape are made with margarine.
39:20And they are the cheaper ones.
39:22And these straight ones are the ones that are made with butter.
39:25And it is not uncommon in French families for the parents to have these and give these to the kids.
39:29Because they're cheaper.
39:31Quick question.
39:32Are we going to get to...
39:33Yes.
39:34Would you like it?
39:35Yes.
39:36That's an investigation.
39:37Yeah.
39:38Very straight.
39:39That's fine.
39:40Are they vegans?
39:41Those are vegans, yeah.
39:42This thing can't be any straighter if they're trying.
39:44Just to go on, actors, comedians, free food.
39:47It is unbelievable.
39:49The thing about me, Sandy, is I'm a man of science.
39:52So, if something is straight, I've got to see if it's straight by putting it in my mouth.
39:56OK.
39:57And you like straight things in a straight world.
40:00What about straight men?
40:02Where are our rights?
40:05Oh, yes.
40:06Historically, you've really suffered.
40:07Now...
40:08Right.
40:09How many noses do you have?
40:19One, but it's a big one.
40:22Not one.
40:23No.
40:24I actually know this, Sandy.
40:25Go.
40:26I think that we have, like, two noses.
40:33Yes, that is correct.
40:35Why aren't you happy for me?
40:45So, what we call our nose is actually two organs that are working independently.
40:48A bit like our left and our right eyes, our left and our right ears.
40:51Each nostril has its own nasal cavity.
40:54They don't connect to the other.
40:56They don't even smell the same either.
40:59So, we process the information from each nose at slightly different speeds.
41:03They stimulate different sides of the brain.
41:05The airflow is always stronger on one side than it is on the other.
41:08They switch every sort of three to six hours, something like that.
41:11And it's controlled by erectile tissue.
41:16Wait.
41:17Sandy, what do you mean?
41:20It's tissue in the linings that swell with blood, basically.
41:23And that is how we control where the breathing is happening.
41:25So, we've got boners in our nose?
41:29Now, you know, right, from Roisin that you've got two noses.
41:33How many organs do you think you have in total?
41:38Twelve.
41:39Five.
41:40One.
41:41One.
41:42Nobody say any more numbers.
41:45The answer is it depends how you count them.
41:51So, we know, for example, that the skin is an organ, but it consists of three parts, the dermis, the epidermis and the subcutaneous.
41:58Is that three organs or is that one organ?
42:01Yes.
42:02So, you have at least 79, depending obviously on your sex.
42:05One or two more.
42:06Two.
42:07But if you counted every single...
42:08Two.
42:09And you'll never find the second one.
42:14Yours has two nostrils out.
42:17If you counted every bone, every muscle, I mean, almost a thousand.
42:23No.
42:24Yeah.
42:25Some of this stuff is made up.
42:29Which brings us to the most controversial count of all, which is the scores.
42:33Bombing in last place with minus 27, it's Nish.
42:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:42Julia's own abortion with minus 26 is Lou.
42:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:50Going out of the blaze of glory with minus three, it's Alan.
42:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:57And catapulting herself into first place, our winner tonight with two whole points...
43:04LAUGHTER
43:05..is Roisin!
43:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:12So, it's a very big thank you to Roisin, Nish, Lou and Alan.
43:19And I leave you with this from Evelyn Waugh when asked how he'd found his first battle.
43:25Like German opera, too long and too loud.
43:28Thank you and goodnight.
43:29APPLAUSE
43:31So...
43:32Thank you and goodnight.
43:33Thank you for joining us.
43:34Yeah!
43:37I'll be right back.
43:39OK, I'll be right back.
43:42I'll be right back.
43:43So, we're back.
43:44There are two at the same point.
43:46That's honourable.
43:47Like a high school.
43:48Yeah.
43:49Hope that looks great.
43:50Bye.
43:51Love.
43:52It's amazing.
43:54I'll be right back.
43:55I'll be right back.
43:56You're out of the way we'll become a nu-one-tee-y-y.
Be the first to comment
Add your comment