- 8 months ago
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00:00Loser is the new nerd!
00:02One, two, three, four!
00:12Come take a ride
00:14With the weirdest guy I know
00:16Well, it's Wednesday night
00:20And I'll eat it and go to
00:22The Chris Gafford Show
00:24Chris Gafford Show
00:26Chris Gafford Show
00:28Chris Gafford Show
00:58Chris Gafford Show
01:00Chris Gafford Show
01:02Chris Gafford Show
01:04Chris Gafford Show
01:06Chris Gafford Show
01:08Chris Gafford Show
01:10Chris Gafford Show
01:12Chris Gafford Show
01:14Chris Gafford Show
01:16Chris Gafford Show
01:18Chris Gafford Show
01:20Chris Gafford Show
01:22Chris Gafford Show
01:24Chris Gafford Show
01:26are nerds because they have fucking asthma and they grew up with fucking back braces and shit
01:32like that so the nerds who don't get to choose if they're nerds or not are losers and we're
01:37throwing that gauntlet down we're embracing the fact that we're losers i am a loser i was born
01:42with a slight skeletal deformity my eyes don't work right my last name spells the words get hard
01:47i'm a loser i'm a loser and i like to think that a lot of us thank you very much so call us up
01:57tonight two one two seven five seven one three nine three let us know how you are a loser we
02:00want to hear all the different aspects of how you grew up a loser and i have a lot of oh yeah
02:05of course the llc playing us in welcome back llc and mimi on the hoops welcome back to the show
02:24we've got a lot of people and if i offend anybody by calling you a loser some of our regular panelists
02:29murph the reservoir dog what makes you a loser murph uh i think a long line of uh poor decisions
02:35i've made my brain always operated on a different level from other people not nerdy so i'm actually
02:40more on board with this loser vibe than i have nerd i was never quite a nerd in that sense but
02:45i uh i know you well yeah you're something of a loser yeah and that's okay shannon o'neill what makes
02:51you a loser uh what makes me a loser uh i don't have as many friends as you guys think i have
03:01i think that's true parents yeah i think yeah i don't have uh but i have good friends still you
03:06have a small handful of tight friends but otherwise you're lonely and isolated yeah i could go weeks
03:10without i could probably go weeks without making any effort or have anyone make an effort to hang
03:16out with me besides just like when i go to the theater yeah yeah so you participate in social
03:21activities to compensate for a lack of friends yeah all right you're a fucking loser bethany hall
03:26mouth guard in what makes you a loser see the teleprompter from this far away sasha from canada
03:34oh sasha how you doing hey chris you're the kid who emailed me and said you like that our show is
03:40unfunny and sad right it's really sad it is it is sad at times how are you doing sasha
03:48uh i'm doing okay well what do you want to talk about did you want to tell us any aspects that
03:55make you a loser or no um well this week i burned a lot of the hair off my arm in design and technology
04:01class burning the hair off your arm in science class and you're 13 i believe is that true sasha
04:06yeah i spilled a lot of hot glue in my arm you burned your arm with hot glue you're a loser sasha
04:18our crowd applauds you for your hot glue mishap sasha wow uh yeah it just like fell off my arm it's
04:26crazy that sucks man i hope your arm heals up um my arm is fine but uh like fair totally fair all
04:36right anything else you want to talk about tonight uh yeah that's it um have a good show loser's the
04:42new nerd thank you thank you very much sasha thank you for the call and the email very fun very funny
04:48glad to have you on board who's yeah thanks what's that say mary mary from california mary from california
04:53how are you good how are you pretty good what do you want to talk about tonight is this chris chris
05:00gessard yeah yeah it is is this mary from california oh my gosh
05:09i tweeted you today and you tweeted me back yeah that sounds right i got nothing else to do
05:14i got nothing to do nothing else to do nothing else to do all right nothing else to do so mary
05:28what what did you want to talk about anything what makes you a loser in what ways are you a loser mary
05:36from california what in what ways are you a loser i'm not a loser i'm a winner
05:45you should research you need to research our show topic before you call in mary from california
05:51this show is all about being a loser no it is yeah it is it's my show
05:58mary are you high on marijuana right now what are you are you high on drugs right now no i don't do drugs
06:13mary we gotta go i think we gotta cut you off
06:17what mary share the saddest moment from your life
06:20my saddest moment yeah yeah hmm
06:28take your time mary
06:34all right mary thank you for the call have a great night who in our crowd wants to tell us how they're
06:39a loser come on up let's do it let's do it who wants to talk right now julia welcome back to the
06:44show how are you a loser i am a loser because i'm going to say the best uh 10 minutes of my life
06:50was when i was in fifth grade and i had a charizard a renegade no my mom was with me wow cool mom
06:58cool mom sarah from ontario she sounds like marissa alissa alissa
07:08her retainer makes her say m's
07:13sarah let me ask you this and i'm not saying it to be judgmental
07:15what level of um do you think canada does that are there more losers in canada does that add into
07:21things or no i say that not out of judgment but curiosity i don't know personally i think everybody
07:29in high school is a loser but i don't know about canada i've only been to like toronto okay fair fair
07:38we love the way you pronounce the word ben
07:42it's um amazing to our foreign ears sarah thank you so much for the call tonight keep sticking with
07:49finding nemo it's bad that's badass i like that tattoo that's great okay thanks all right who's next
07:56naomi from new york naomi calls a lot naomi how are you hey what's going on not much doing a show
08:03well i had a couple of reasons that's why i'm a loser okay we're listening um one i play the bassoon
08:13you play the bassoon you're the biggest loser we've talked to tonight so far
08:18i don't even know what is that a woodwind yeah um it's a woodwind instrument and it basically looks
08:23like a giant bong okay oh yeah it's got the little curve how long have you played that for um since
08:30seventh grade all right okay that's a good one what else what else you said you had a couple
08:35um i went to my high school homecoming football game specifically to see my friend in marching band
08:41oh wow you go you're not even in the marching band you go to watch the marching band nice
08:53naomi you should know a guy in a vest just chanted marching band for you so that's a good connection
08:58of losers right there good connection i'm so flattered yeah all right anything else you want
09:04to talk about uh no but uh i don't know my face will be popping up on that tv sooner or later all
09:09right thank you for sending in a picture can't wait to check it out thank you for the call naomi
09:14and i'm actually wearing the marching band's shirt you're wearing the marching band shirt you're not
09:18even in the marching band you wear their shirts i'm too i'm too cool for marching band but then you
09:23watch them and wear their shirts yeah that's a groupie that's awesome you're a marching band groupie
09:30random man you just called it out all right marching band groupie marching band groupie
09:35our crowd approves who else wants to talk can i ask you to talk we were talking right before the show
09:40you have a very interesting sign can i ask you to read what it says yes it says i thought i had
09:44scabies but i was just allergic to the sun you thought you had scabies you were just allergic
09:50to the sun two userish things in one i had this terrible rash breakout and i went to the doctor who
09:56kind of looked at it and said oh you have scabies and sent me to the pharmacist and with a prescription
10:02and i give it to them and he gives me this lice shampoo and tells me to put it all over my body
10:07and i was like wait excuse me a minute this is lice shampoo and he screams at me loud enough for
10:14everyone in the pharmacy to hear it also works for scabies which i later found out i didn't have
10:21because it was just an allergy an allergy to the sun you'd be late even if you just came in here and
10:27said i'm a little from houston okay ballerina champ all right now i gotta do it we'll keep our
10:35eyes peeled around the halloween episode in the meantime we got stephanie from houston welcome to the
10:39show oh my gosh hello cool out stephanie everything's cool what's up i am in houston right now and all
10:49i wanted to say i'm very busy because i have to go get graded for something for school but um i saw
10:54your show once i don't know how long ago but i am going to take off school the week before finals and
11:00come see it because it's going to be so much fun i don't know where i'm going to stay and i don't know
11:07anybody but the way i see it the way i see it i've seen a lot of episodes of intervention and all of
11:14those like there are a bunch of people who do drugs there stephanie this sounds like a really bad idea
11:19yeah you come to new york right before finals with nowhere to stay huh stephanie you can stay in crown
11:24heights oh no don't do that stephanie how old are you uh 24 24 okay you're growing up you can make
11:33those decisions for yourself no no i'm an adult what's that i'm an adult yeah yeah you are an adult
11:40but i figure if my worst habit is swallowing my gum that i'll be able to make it on the streets of
11:45new york just fine swallowing gum i don't know i don't know if swallowing gum means you can make
11:55it on the streets of new york i don't know if i agree it's a terrible habit i googled it
12:01it's not like that bad of a habit yeah no i mean just google it you'll see i have to
12:07i have to i decided to see you guys on the 29th so you know just you go do you and i'm gonna go do
12:13me yeah hold on stephanie you promised me one thing you're not just coming to watch the show with
12:19your personality you're coming on the show right or no because you sound you you sound very manic
12:28oh no it's just because i i can't feel my hands i'm so excited
12:32yeah you're coming on the show you're coming on the show stephanie make sure you email us and let
12:38us know when you're coming oh i absolutely will thank you stephanie have a great night
12:44morgan uh yeah oh wait we see something oh
12:52ladies and gentlemen for for anyone who doesn't know this is phil jackson he just shows up sometimes
12:58he's a poet he just spreads his words via our show and then he leaves phil we're very happy to have
13:04you back thank you so much for having me how's everybody doing tonight you guys good
13:10so i was um i was having lunch today at friedman's it's in chelsea market
13:16it's delicious and i i got i got to thinking about loser being the new nerd i too am a loser so if it's
13:23all right i got to wave the inspiration that i love to share with you guys is that okay
13:33loser is the new nerd lose well is the new term so loss is just a new winning form so losing isn't
13:40defeat it's a stepping stone to the throne so i guess this address is simply to address that we are now
13:45addressing loss as the new norm we lose well even though we failed when taking a chance we lose well
13:52even though we scraped our knees and pooped our pants gotten sick in front of everyone who matters
13:57spilling our feelings and our guts with projectile vomits then gotten punched so hard we've seen
14:01stars fly like comets then gotten horny and gotten caught jerking off then gained some weight and then
14:06got laughed at for trying to work it off we still push through we work it off we lose well
14:12even though we tried but been told that we can't then tried again and been told that we shan't
14:17and we can't and heard rant after rant after adamant rant we don't stop we lose well we stay low keep
14:25firing we lose battles not wars we keep trying we lose well even though we know what it feels like to
14:31hear echoes in the key of no way never nine hell no no whatever ah we lose well get off our scrotums
14:38and i lose well i lose well when i was 14 i was watching the movie with my mom and my aunt sue
14:44but then there was a love scene two folks having sex on a late night rendezvous
14:48and as the story goes the next thing i know as i look down at my wardrobe and my peen it started to
14:53grow uh-oh crazy erection y'all
15:00and all i had on was umbros remember those soccer clothes
15:05did my mom and aunt notice probably so but whatever i lose well
15:10i cried when i saw my last broadway show
15:13i own sex in the city on dvd but i'm not a girl so some say that seems gay i say hey you better
15:18stop hating if you were watching the show you know that carrie should have stayed with aiden
15:26you can say i lose well i lose well because loser is the new nerd lose well is the new term
15:32and we lose so hard motherfuckers want to find us
15:36but first haters gotta find us
15:39what's 50 000 losses to a team like ours can you please remind us
15:44we lose so hard that shit cray
15:47everybody say lose well
15:48lose well lose well lose well lose well lose well
16:01and he is gone he is leaving the studio entirely
16:06this is his way phil jackson ladies and gentlemen that was fantastic i'll have to say i'm pretty
16:11certain he stole portions of that from jay-z
16:15what what's that he's got a story but it doesn't look like he wants to tell his story
16:19you want to tell your story sir come on come on come on what's your story okay the brothers have
16:25pimped each other into telling stories i tweeted this already but i'll say i'll say the story i went
16:29to go to a wu-tang concert a few years ago which isn't a loser thing not at all but um what it was
16:35was my friend got us in for free we but we had to get in there like an hour before the concert started
16:40okay so while we were waiting for the concert to start uh we started drinking i don't drink hennessy
16:46but that's all they had so i started drinking hennessy uh the show starts i'm fucked up
16:53so far this story is awesome it's about to take a turn okay so i'm fucked up and i'm like dude we
16:59have to leave i'm not gonna make it so we leave and i i'm walking through the streets of new york crying
17:07because you didn't get to see the woo no because i felt bad that my friend didn't get to see the woo
17:14because of me okay so now he's he's driving back to my place dropped me off and i'm crying in the car
17:21i'm still crying and he's like oh it's okay it's okay and i'm like no it's on my phone whatever so
17:26then i'm like let me know when we're on route three anybody from jersey let me know when we're on route
17:31three i gotta throw up he's like we're on route three okay pull over i gotta throw up so i threw up
17:36he drops me off at my place i wake up i'm sitting at the floor on my bed i feel weird but i just get
17:42naked and jump in bed next morning i wake up and i'm covered in poop look at that missed wu-tang
17:57cried threw up shit yourself you don't look like a loser sir you you clean up well but you are a loser
18:03you are a loser who else wants to talk who else wants to talk yes sir you have been uh fascinating
18:08me all night with your enthusiasm so uh up until seventh grade i didn't listen to music and i had
18:14no idea who madonna was okay which was uh in the 80s uh crime so uh so i decided that i was going to
18:21study music and so for the next two months every night at the top five songs on the top 40 station
18:28i would write them in the margin of my religion textbook so i could like learn all of the music
18:35religion textbook yes i went to catholic school okay all right good story good story who else
18:41who else okay yes come on up you have a very large pizza sign that's a pizza box uh yeah uh i have a
18:48couple stories about high school uh when i was in high school i had a uh my hair when it's long turns
18:53to a giant afro and my nickname in high school gym class was big bird uh because i'd sometimes wear
18:58leisure suits okay and then i wound up dropping out of high school to play counter-strike
19:04professionally you're a counter-strike player yeah but now let me say this because you seem like a good
19:09guy to talk to about this right now you're dressed nice you got your shit together you're doing what
19:14you want to do when did it take a turn for you with all you tell these kids out there yeah it's all
19:19the sham uh last year uh i think i told you i may have told you the story i showed before okay uh
19:24halloween night started with me hooking up with one of the daughters of one of the members of twisted
19:28sister awesome ended with me curled up in the bathtub sobbing clutching union jack so it never goes
19:33away no okay all right you can put on a leather jacket but you can't hide the loser all right and the
19:39leather jacket is over a rocky horror picture show t-shirt i guess it's not hidden that well all right
19:46thank you for the contribution ladies and gentlemen everybody just went nuts a few minutes ago for
19:51these guys i'm going to ask everybody to get up right now and go even more nuts stumblebumbrassband.com
19:56check them out check out their music their west coast tour is on its way welcome back to the chris
20:00gethert show the stumblebumbrass band
20:19so
20:30i want to
20:39fuck you in the
20:40ass
20:40i don't
20:49i don't
20:53I love that hoochie-coochie, my boy, in all the way.
21:01I don't need to love you.
21:06Just suck my dick before I fuck you, right in the way.
21:11I love that hoochie-coochie, my boy, in all the way.
21:16I love that hoochie-coochie, my boy, in all the way.
21:21I love that hoochie-coochie, my boy, in all the way.
21:41I love that hoochie-coochie, my boy, in all the way.
21:46I love that hoochie-coochie.
21:50I want to fuck you in the air!
22:13Well then baby I'm gonna make it fast!
22:15Put it on the way!
22:16How the fuck do I make it look sexy now?
22:18Without you to shame!
22:19I'll fuck you in the air!
22:21Yeah, I'm gonna make it look sexy now!
22:23Lord and I just got this job!
22:25Baby, we're gonna say it again!
22:34Stumble-bum, Brass Beth, ladies and gentlemen, chaos just erupted.
22:40I believe that's the closest we've ever come to breaking a camera during a musical segment.
22:45Andrew Parrish, you got up in front of it, right?
22:47The closest.
22:48Yeah, the closest. Congratulations!
22:50Woo!
22:50Stumble-bum, Brass man, for that stunning achievement!
22:54Banana Man's gonna be so mad he wasn't here for that!
22:57We gotta wrap it up, no more calls?
22:58One more call.
22:59Okay, who's that we got?
23:00Is that Morgan in New York?
23:02All right, Morgan, what's up?
23:03Talk to us real quick!
23:05All right, I got two things.
23:05I got a text from AT&T the other day saying that I was part of the 5% of mobile users using
23:14up pretty much all the traffic on mobile phones and that they were gonna limit my data.
23:20What are you doing, man?
23:21I used 15 gigs or something.
23:24But why? What are you doing on your phone?
23:26I'm like tweeting at you or something.
23:29Okay.
23:30And then the other thing is I dropped out of a class at art school because I was crying so hard
23:38after seeing terms of endearment for the first time.
23:40Terms of endearment made you drop a class? Wow, you are fragile, Morgan from New York.
23:48All right, anything else? Great call. Thank you so much.
23:53Okay, and can we take another one? Okay, last call of the night. Peter from Montreal,
23:58welcome to the show. Hi, Chris. Hi, how are you?
24:03I'm really nervous. That's okay, man. Nothing to be nervous of.
24:06We're all friends here. Oh, that's good to know.
24:09So what did you want to talk about, Peter?
24:12So I'm a loser because the sound just cut out. I'm not a loser because of that, but yeah.
24:19Okay. I figured I'd share the most embarrassing part of my life.
24:26Well, one of them, the multitude of stories. Okay, we're listening, Peter. Let's get to it.
24:31All right. So last year, I was 22, almost lost my virginity.
24:35Almost. Didn't quite.
24:36I ended up with me literally crying at the foot of the bed because I ended before I got in.
24:47What was that?
24:48You see what I mean?
24:51I just, I couldn't even make it in.
24:53You couldn't make it in? Because you're too big, right, Peter?
24:57All right.
25:06Not so much.
25:07Not so much.
25:08So what happened? You got nervous or you finished a little early?
25:11Yeah. And then the woman who I was with, she literally pointed and laughed, which was part
25:24of the reason I, you know, kind of started tearing up and then she laughed that I was tearing up.
25:29And then what's her name? Um, Stacy.
25:33Fuck Stacy. Fuck Stacy. Fuck Stacy. Fuck Stacy.
25:39I don't know if Peter wants to hear that, guys.
25:43I don't know if Peter wants to hear that.
25:44Yeah.
25:45Sounds like a good man.
25:48Peter, I'm going to tell you this, man. You're my kind of guy. You are the exact demographic for
25:52the Chris Gethard Show.
25:56I'd like one last thing to ask.
25:59What's that?
26:00I would like to ask one last thing.
26:01Sure.
26:02Um, from the chat room, who is more sexually attractive? Uh, this is a question with the
26:08human fish. Actually, uh, who's more sexually attractive, Tom Brady or Eli Manning?
26:15Oh, topical.
26:17Two quarterbacks in the upcoming Super Bowl. Peter, thank you for that call.
26:21Tom Brady versus Eli Manning. Human fish is smoking his bird pipe.
26:27Eli Manning.
26:28Eli Manning.
26:29We are in New York here. We are a New York bass show.
26:34We got to say goodnight, but we're going to do it in a very special way.
26:36I want to thank everybody for coming out. I want to thank the Stumblebum Brass Band.
26:39Go to stumblebumbrassband.com. Check out their upcoming tour. Check out their music.
26:43Those guys tore the place apart. Thanks, everybody, for calling.
26:46Thanks, everybody, for being here. Thanks for sharing your stories.
26:49No shame in being a loser. It's what we are. You got to own it. You got to move on.
26:53You are what you are, right, Shannon?
26:54Oh, yeah.
26:55All right. Make it happen.
26:56You are what you are.
26:57In the meantime, I believe we're going to get through the rest of the pictures.
26:59Thanks, everybody, for emailing those pictures in.
27:01And I believe the LLC is going to take us through a very special song.
27:04Human Fish Love Scott.
27:07Human Fish Love Scott.
27:14Human Fish Love Scott.
27:18Human Fish Love Scott
27:20Human Fish Love Scott
27:23Human Fish Love Scott
27:26It won't work, but it'll be a huge guy here
27:29It's so quick, human fish
27:31Human Fish Love Scott
27:33Human Fish Love Scott
27:36Human Fish Love Scott
27:39Human Fish Love Scott
27:43The Madness Love Scott
27:46What's up?