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00:00Betty White, in Life with Elizabeth, featuring Del Moore.
00:20Incident number one in the life of Elizabeth occurs every time she and Alvin play a game,
00:25like checkers, gin rummy, or chess.
00:28For the most part, Elizabeth and Alvin get along just fine,
00:32but when it comes to competing with one another, they become children again.
00:37Watch.
00:39Elizabeth, how are you tonight?
00:44Is that a Monopoly board there on the table?
00:47Isn't that the real estate game where you buy and sell property and stuff?
00:52Who's winning?
00:55Naturally.
00:55Well, uh, call Alvin back in and let's see you finish the game.
01:01Alvin!
01:03Now, honey, don't forget, I made the coffee, so you have to serve it.
01:07Oh, no, the loser serves the coffee.
01:10You've got a deal.
01:11This game isn't over yet, boy.
01:12Whose turn is it?
01:13Honey, before we finish the game, let's make a promise to each other.
01:16Sure, what?
01:18Well, just this, let's not act like a couple of kids and then get mad.
01:22After all, it's only a game.
01:24Sure.
01:25We do get carried away sometimes, don't we?
01:27And no cheating.
01:28Elizabeth, I never cheat.
01:31Well, let's just say you manipulate the rules a little bit.
01:34Is it a deal?
01:35A deal.
01:36Okay, let's see, it was my turn.
01:38No, it's my turn, dear.
01:38All right.
01:43Isn't it?
01:47All right, Cobra eyes.
01:49You're old.
01:50You're old, you're fine.
01:50Go ahead.
01:51Alvin, I purposely waited my turn so this very thing wouldn't happen.
01:54All right, go on, go on.
01:56So it was your turn.
01:57Go ahead, count off five.
01:59Two, three, four, five.
02:01Hey, I got a chance to buy the electric company.
02:03All right.
02:03Well, don't be a pig, Elizabeth.
02:05You already own the railroad, three hotels, five houses, and the waterworks.
02:10Darling, I can't turn down an entire electric company for $150.
02:15What would Edison think?
02:17Besides, you're doing all right.
02:19Doing all right?
02:21So far, all I own is a grass shack on Oriental Avenue.
02:26Where am I?
02:27Over here.
02:28One, two, three, four, five.
02:32Back to jail again.
02:33You're getting to be quite a criminal, honey.
02:37Ten.
02:39Eight, nine, ten.
02:41Chance, that means I get to draw a chance card.
02:42Look, I know what it means.
02:45Your building and loan matures collect $150.
02:49Oh, you just can't lose, can you?
02:53Seven.
02:54Ha, ha.
02:55One, two, three, four, five, six.
02:57Community chess.
02:58That means you get to draw a community chess card.
02:59Look, I know what it means.
03:00I can read.
03:01What's the matter with you?
03:04Go to.
03:08You're back in jail again.
03:10Well, it isn't fair.
03:11I never got out.
03:13Oh, now, don't be such a baby.
03:14I'll come and see you.
03:16Anyway, whoever heard of the community chess sending anybody to jail?
03:19Did you make a contribution last year?
03:21Well, of course I did.
03:22So why should they want to send me to jail?
03:25Maybe your checkbox.
03:29I'm going to call them up.
03:31Oh, now, get down on your game.
03:35Goodness, I never saw such a baby.
03:37Three.
03:38I own another railroad.
03:41I'll tell you what I'll do.
03:45If you ever have to travel on my railroad, I'll let you ride full fare.
03:50All right.
03:51Paysay have connections.
03:52Twelve.
03:59Chance.
04:00If they send me back to jail this time, it'll be the last time I play.
04:04Return token to the nearest railroad and pay owner twice a rebel if she is otherwise entitled.
04:10You owe me a hundred dollars.
04:11Why twice the rebel?
04:13Well, anybody who's been in jail as many times as you have is a bad risk.
04:17Well, I won't ride on your no-good railroad.
04:19How do you like them apples?
04:20You have to.
04:22And you're lucky, too.
04:23It's a policy of the line.
04:24Ordinary, we don't carry people who send bad checks to the community chess.
04:28Roll the dice.
04:31Twelve.
04:31Twelve.
04:35Park place.
04:36I already own that.
04:37Just wait till you land on my property-oriented lap.
04:41Five.
04:44One, two, three, four, five.
04:46Free parking.
04:47My luck is changing.
04:49I'll save two bits.
04:51Nine.
04:52I get $200 for passing gold.
04:55You just can't lose, can you?
04:57Go on.
04:58You'll get paid.
04:59Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
05:02Oriental Avenue.
05:03That's my property.
05:08Well, now, calm down, Alvin.
05:10How much is the rent?
05:13How much is the...
05:14I don't know.
05:14I looked up.
05:15Six bucks.
05:18Six dollars for an empty lot?
05:20Come on, come on.
05:21This is the first time you've had to separate yourself with a dime.
05:23Let me have my money.
05:25Come.
05:26Why don't you put a house on it and you can charge more rent?
05:29Could I?
05:31All right.
05:32How much are they?
05:32Fifty dollars.
05:35Fifty?
05:37There you are.
05:38Here's your house.
05:39Now, how much do I owe you?
05:41Oh, let me look it up.
05:42Let me see.
05:42Here it is.
05:43Thirty bucks.
05:49All right.
05:50So I lost on the deal.
05:51Give me my thirty bucks.
05:53Thirty dollars for a grass shack?
05:55That is not a grass shack.
05:56That happens to be a perfectly good modern house.
05:59Come on.
06:00What kind of a house can you get for fifty dollars?
06:03Come on.
06:03Pay me my rent, Elizabeth.
06:07Now, wait a minute here.
06:09Just a second.
06:10Maybe we can make a deal.
06:12Thirty dollars.
06:12No deals.
06:13Just the thirty.
06:14How long has it been since you paid your water bill?
06:16I just built the house.
06:17I haven't turned the water on.
06:19Oh, yes, you have.
06:20I own the water works.
06:21We work very fast.
06:22I tell you, there's no water in my house, Elizabeth.
06:26Then how come you're charging me thirty dollars rent for a house with no water?
06:31It says on the card right there.
06:35Please, honey.
06:38I'll tell you what I'll do.
06:40You'll charge me only nineteen dollars for rent, and I'll forget about the water bill.
06:46Now, wait a minute.
06:46Now, now, wait a minute.
06:47You're talking too fast, and I always wind up on the short end of these things.
06:49Now, it's very simple, darling.
06:51You're charging me too much rent for a cheap run-down shack, but as a landlord, you have
06:54to pay your water bill.
06:56Now, I happen to own the water works, and your bill comes to eleven dollars.
06:59Now, I'm willing to deduct the water bill from the rent, which is pretty nice to me, so
07:03pay me the nineteen dollars.
07:04I knew I'd have to pay you.
07:07Okay, if you don't like that arrangement, I'll move out of your shack.
07:09Why?
07:10Because I don't like a landlord who won't pay his bills.
07:13I shall leave you at this point, Elizabeth.
07:21Where are you going?
07:22To get the coffee.
07:24Then you admit I won the game?
07:25Remember this.
07:27Cheaters never prosper.
07:32Elizabeth, aren't you ashamed?
07:40In just a moment, we'll bring you incident number two in Life with Elizabeth.
07:46Incident number two in the life of Elizabeth occurred a couple of Februaries ago.
07:51It seems that Elizabeth was planning on giving a very important dinner party and was having
07:56just a little bit of trouble.
07:57We'll bring you, James Carlson, and sister, beautiful and beautiful.
08:02With Elizabeth, all of you might end up acando and working together, but you know we had
08:03for half aص alltly doing nicely.
08:08We'll entrevist if that was to fast enough.
08:11Two little happens.
08:13Five little days out.
08:18This in our first.
08:19A city's close ruck day.
08:24Give anything up.
08:26Do not secretary and wait.
08:27Elizabeth, I'd like to borrow this chair for just a minute if you don't.
08:57Hi, honey. Hi.
09:15Hey, what's the big idea of all of this business?
09:21Alvin, how are we going to get 12 people around this table?
09:25Nothing like a direct answer.
09:28Come here, ma'am.
09:36One, two, three on this side.
09:41What are you doing, measuring me to see if you can get three people on this side of the table?
09:45Uh-huh, but it's impractical. I didn't measure you where you're the widest.
09:50I resent that.
09:52I was thinking about your shoulders, darling.
09:55Now, let's see. Dorothy's about right size.
09:59It's about like this.
10:03And then Harry's maybe just a little wider through the middle than you are.
10:07A little wider.
10:09Now, who in the world was this?
10:22Alvin, we just can't invite Mama.
10:25Sure we can. She's not that big. You said yourself she was going on a diet.
10:30Yeah, but she's such a poor loser.
10:33A poor loser?
10:35That's a very funny line. A diet, a poor loser.
10:39What's funny about it?
10:41Well, you said yourself she was gaining weight and...
10:43I'm sorry, Alvin. I can't see anything funny in jokes about Mama.
10:45But, honey, you said it yourself.
10:46Mama's always like you, Alvin.
10:47Well, I like her, too.
10:48You told me long ago if I had to marry an idiot, it might as well be you.
10:52Well, I appreciate that, too, but, honey, you...
10:54So let's have no more talk about Mama.
10:56Oh, sorry I brought it up, Elizabeth.
10:57Okay.
10:58Now, how are we going to get 12 people around this table?
11:01Why don't you put a couple more leaves in the table?
11:03Oh, that's too easy.
11:06Oh, that's too easy.
11:09Oh, I'm sorry.
11:11I'm sorry.
11:12I'm sorry.
11:13I'm sorry.
11:14Oh, that's too easy.
11:18There must be a harder answer than that.
11:20Say, this is one of your unreasonable days, isn't it, Elizabeth?
11:25Is it unreasonable to want to put on a good party for your husband
11:28so he can further himself in the business world?
11:32Look, honey, aren't we going to agree on anything tonight?
11:37If we do, you'll be wrong.
11:39I don't know where I stand, Elizabeth. Good night.
11:41Oh, darling, come here.
11:43It's just that I'm so upset about these seating arrangements for these people.
11:50I keep getting the feeling I've done something wrong.
11:55Now, look, don't worry.
11:56Look, let's work it out together.
11:58Come on, sweetie.
11:59Now, tell me what's your problem.
12:02Well, if I put Mr. Fuddy at the head of the table,
12:06then I should put Mrs. Ratbone here.
12:08Right.
12:09But that puts her right next to the doctor's wife and they hate each other.
12:13Who, Mr. Fuddy and Mrs. Ratbone?
12:16No, the doctor and his wife.
12:19Well, why don't you put the doctor next to Jackie Frost?
12:23Oh, honey, you know how she is.
12:25She'd be trying to get a free diagnosis on her sinus condition all night.
12:28Besides, there's the matter of protocol.
12:31I thought you were going to serve coffee.
12:34I just can't put Dorothy between Harry and Fred.
12:38She'd dominate the whole conversation.
12:40The irregular monologue.
12:42Say, why don't you put Dorothy next to Edna?
12:45Well, then it'd be a catalog.
12:48How about them next to Jackie?
12:52They can't stand each other.
12:55Mrs. Ratbone and Edna?
12:57Those two?
12:58I just thought I'd ask.
13:00Elvin, I keep getting the feeling I've made some horrible mistake.
13:05You did.
13:06You invited women.
13:07Where do you want to sit?
13:09You women are really catty, honey.
13:12Where do you want to sit?
13:13Anywhere at all, as long as it's not next to Fred.
13:15If I have to hear that story one more time,
13:18how he made a hole-in-one at Northridge,
13:20he says he took a nine iron, Elizabeth.
13:22Mind you, a nine iron and pulled it back.
13:26Don't put Elvin next to Fred.
13:30How do Harry and Mr. Fuddy get along?
13:34Mr. Fuddy's always making fun of the way Harry's nose turns up.
13:38He told Harry, listen to this, he told Harry, he said,
13:41Harry, if you ever get caught in the rain, you will drown.
13:44Meow.
13:45Now you know that his nose doesn't turn up that much.
13:48How about Mr. Ratbone and Fred?
13:52I think they're speaking, but I'm not sure.
13:55And of course the doctor hates everybody.
13:57Oh, this guy.
13:59Well that does it.
14:01We can't feed anybody.
14:03Good, let them stand up.
14:05That's it.
14:07What's it?
14:08Well sure, we'll serve a buffet.
14:11See, you didn't have anything to worry about after all.
14:13Oh honey, you're a genius.
14:14I know.
14:15I still keep getting the feeling I've made some horrible mistakes.
14:20Well, let's investigate your horrible mistake.
14:21Now let's see.
14:22Did you send the invitations?
14:23Yeah, I know I did that.
14:24Put stamps on them?
14:25Yeah.
14:26Mail them?
14:27Mail them?
14:28Yeah, I know I did that.
14:29By the way, did you see them?
14:30No, I didn't.
14:31Do you have one left?
14:32They're pretty.
14:33They're so pretty.
14:34They're all in Boston and everything.
14:35Oh, yeah.
14:36Uh-huh.
14:37Nice.
14:38It says we request the honor of their company on Monday.
14:41Uh-huh.
14:42It is.
14:43It is.
14:44It is.
14:45It is.
14:46It is.
14:47It is.
14:48It is.
14:49It is.
14:50It is.
14:51It is.
14:52It is.
14:53It is.
14:54It is.
14:55It is.
14:56It is.
14:57It is.
14:58It is.
14:59It is.
15:00It is.
15:01It is.
15:02It is for Monday, isn't it?
15:03That's right.
15:04We request the honor of your company Monday, February 30th.
15:09Monday, February 30th.
15:11There's nothing wrong with it.
15:18Now, now, wait a minute.
15:20Now, wait a minute.
15:21Now, don't get panicky.
15:22Maybe it's, maybe it's leap year or something.
15:24Even leap year and they only have 29 days of us.
15:26But how could you have done it?
15:28March, April, November, June, July, August, October, November 30th.
15:41And in just a moment, we'll bring you incident number three in Life with Elizabeth.
15:48Incident number three in the Life of Elizabeth occurred on one of those nights when Elizabeth
15:53had gone too far in trying Alvin's patience.
15:59There they are.
16:00Elizabeth and Alvin.
16:01Elizabeth is the pretty one.
16:03Alvin is the miserable one.
16:06Come to think of it, they're both pretty miserable.
16:09Okay, kids.
16:10You can come to life now.
16:12Alvin?
16:13What's the matter?
16:14Honey.
16:15Honey.
16:16Here.
16:20Here, darling.
16:23Here, darling.
16:40Here, darling.
16:49A few cigarettes.
17:04Oh, I'm sorry, darling.
17:06Elizabeth, do me a favor and just don't talk to me.
17:09Well, I have to talk to tell you I'm sorry.
17:12Look, you've done enough talking for one day, Elizabeth.
17:14I specifically told you not to tell a soul.
17:16You went right out and told Geraldine.
17:18I did not.
17:20Besides, she said she'd keep it a secret.
17:22Secret?
17:24I thought she was one of your best friends.
17:27She is, only I can't trust her.
17:30You're no better than she is.
17:32You can't keep a secret either.
17:34Can, too.
17:36We were engaged for three whole weeks before I ever told you about it.
17:42Wait till Mr. Fuddy hears about this.
17:45Now, Alvin, what would Mr. Fuddy care how long we were engaged?
17:49I wasn't talking about that.
17:51I didn't know it.
17:52I'm sorry.
17:53I'm sorry.
17:54Can't you say anything but I...
17:56Answer the door, big mouth.
17:58Answer the door, big mouth.
18:12Hello, Mr. Fuddy.
18:13Hi, Elizabeth.
18:14Do you want to come in?
18:16Oh, let's put it this way.
18:17Either I come in or I fire Alvin.
18:20Who's the loud mouth?
18:21Do you mean me?
18:22No, of course not, Mr. Fuddy.
18:23We know several loud mouths.
18:24Hi, Alvin.
18:25Hello, Mr. Fuddy.
18:26How are you?
18:27Elizabeth, it seems to me the least you could do is to tell me that my boss is here.
18:29I'm sorry.
18:30I'm sorry.
18:31What's going on here?
18:32We're having a little disagreement.
18:33A little disagreement?
18:34Tell him what you did.
18:35I dare you.
18:36I'm sorry.
18:37I'm sorry.
18:38What's going on here?
18:39We're having a little disagreement.
18:40A little disagreement?
18:41Tell him what you did.
18:42I dare you.
18:43Alvin, how can you talk to her like that?
18:44Just look at that face.
18:46That face contains a mouth that is always blabbing.
19:01Stop growling at her, Alvin.
19:03Yeah.
19:04If you want to growl, why don't you go in the den?
19:07Now, you tell me all the time.
19:10Now you tell me all about it, and Alvin control your temper.
19:18I borrowed the car to go over and see my friend Geraldine,
19:22and Alvin had to ride the bus to work.
19:25Is that all?
19:27Alvin, you should be ashamed of yourself.
19:29Let her finish.
19:34When I turned into the driveway, I knocked over a rose bush.
19:39Well, it's Geraldine's fault for having a rose bush in the middle of the driveway.
19:43How can you upset this little girl?
19:45Mr. Funny, tell him where the rose bush was.
19:49In a little pot on the front porch.
19:54Well, so what? I'll pay for the damage myself.
19:58Now, Alvin...
19:59She's not through yet. Go on.
20:01Well, Geraldine and I were talking about one thing and another.
20:07You know how you do.
20:09Here it comes.
20:10It can't be that bad, Alvin.
20:12Go ahead.
20:13Well, in the course of the conversation, I happened to casually mention, just casually,
20:19that Mr. Fuddy was Alvin's boss.
20:23That's you.
20:24I know who Mr. Fuddy is.
20:26Go ahead.
20:28Well, I told her about your negotiations with the Acme Machine Company,
20:33and Alvin said I shouldn't have mentioned it because Geraldine's husband is with Universal Machine Company,
20:37and if Universal found out about it, it would bankrupt Fuddy Incorporated.
20:41Well, Alvin's right. It would bankrupt Fuddy Incorporated, but I don't see...
20:45Give me a cigarette, Alvin.
20:50There you see, darling, you make such a big production out of it all, and all Mr. Fuddy wants is a cigarette.
21:02Did you hear about the fellow that said to the other fellow, why do you carry that cane?
21:18And the other fellow says, because it can't walk.
21:21I made that up. I... I... I... I... I...
21:33All right, so I made a little mistake.
21:35There are lots of other contracts you can get.
21:38Geraldine's father said so.
21:41He says right now there's a factory that's just begging for a contract with Fuddy Incorporated.
21:46I'll bet.
21:48Geraldine's father must know a lot about machinery.
21:50He probably runs a pool hall.
21:52Yeah.
21:53Well, you don't have to get sarcastic, Mr. Fuddy.
21:56I have a lot of respect for Mr. Adams.
21:59Felix Adams?
22:01Felix Adams?
22:02Felix Adams says someone has a contract for Fuddy Incorporated?
22:04Yeah, who?
22:05What are you so excited about?
22:07Did he say who had the contract for us?
22:08Who?
22:09Well, he said, but I forget.
22:11I'll call him on the phone. Keep calm, Alvin.
22:13How can I reach Felix Adams, my dear?
22:15You can't. He just sailed for Honolulu.
22:17Fuddy, please try to remember.
22:20Remember what?
22:21Who did he say wants a contract with Fuddy Incorporated?
22:28Shouldn't that be whom?
22:30Wait a minute.
22:31You said he mentioned a fact.
22:33What was its name?
22:35Floyd.
22:38Alvin, get that lamp.
22:40Oh, get that lamp.
22:41I'll get it.
22:42Listen, you come with me.
22:43Come on.
22:44What are you doing?
22:45We're going to make you concentrate.
22:46Oh, Mr. Fuddy, if you just leave me alone, maybe I can think of it by myself.
22:48Sit down.
22:49Right here.
22:50Here you are.
22:51Here you are.
22:52Wait a minute.
22:53No, wait.
22:54Sit down.
22:55Sit down.
22:56Okay.
22:57Now.
22:58Now.
22:59Try to think of the name of the factory.
23:00All we want are the facts, ma'am.
23:02I don't think of anything with all those eyes and noses staring at me.
23:05Honey, this is important. Try to think.
23:07Look, honey.
23:08If you can't think of the name of the factory, what city was it in?
23:10What city?
23:11I don't even know what city I'm in.
23:12Oh, and please.
23:13Concentrate, Elizabeth.
23:14Please.
23:15What?
23:16Do we have to have the light?
23:17Oh, yes.
23:18It helps you concentrate.
23:19It helps you get us up here.
23:20Here, honey.
23:21Now, relax.
23:24No, thank you, Sergeant.
23:26Leave her alone, Alvin.
23:27Let her think.
23:37Oh, well, that was close.
23:38Shh, shh, shh.
23:39Here she comes.
23:40Here it is.
23:41She's getting it?
23:42Huh?
23:43Oh.
23:44Did you think of it?
23:47Think of what?
23:48Oh, honey.
23:49What are you grinning about?
23:50The lamp feels good on my neck.
23:52Oh, honey.
23:53What city was it in?
23:55Well, it seemed to me it had something to do with cigarette lighters.
24:01Cigarette lighters?
24:02Is there a town called Wickenburg?
24:05Yes.
24:06Yes.
24:07That isn't it.
24:08Oh.
24:09Get another lamp, Alvin.
24:10Another lamp?
24:11Oh, aren't you afraid you'll make me lightheaded?
24:12Yes, I am.
24:13Oh, let me go.
24:14Please try to think you said the city had something to do with a cigarette lamp.
24:19City?
24:20Cigarette?
24:21Is there a town called Flint?
24:23Yes.
24:24Yes.
24:25That isn't it.
24:26Oh, wait.
24:27Is there a town called, called Lighter Fluid?
24:29Light?
24:30Sure.
24:31Lighter Fluid, Alabama.
24:32Oh.
24:33Really?
24:34Oh.
24:35I think.
24:36Please.
24:39Take away the light.
24:40Take it away, Alvin.
24:41Take it away, Alvin.
24:42Yeah.
24:43Here we are.
24:44Concentrate.
24:49Oh, it's no use, Mr. Fuddy.
24:51I wouldn't blame you if you fired Alvin.
24:53Honey, please.
24:54Oh.
24:55Wait a minute.
24:56What?
24:57Fire.
24:58Blame.
24:59Smoke.
25:00Smoke.
25:01Smoke.
25:02Smoke.
25:03Smoke.
25:04That's right here in town.
25:05The only fact we're here in town is Wickham and Son.
25:06Wickham and Son.
25:07Wickham and Son.
25:08No, no, no.
25:09I'm nervous.
25:10You're too excited.
25:11You can't get anything.
25:12No, no, no.
25:13You can't get anything.
25:14Honey, please.
25:15Hey.
25:16Say goodbye to the people.
25:17Goodbye.
25:18Goodbye.
25:19Goodbye, everybody.
25:24Here to say goodbye to you is the lovely star of our show, Betty White.
25:29Thank you, Jeff.
25:31And thank you, everybody.
25:34You know, if nothing else, at least Elizabeth learned one very valuable lesson tonight.
25:39She'll never tell Alvin another secret that she heard that she told anybody.
25:43Please be with us again next week, will you?
25:45And in the meantime, till we see you again, goodbye, everybody.
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