- 6 months ago
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00:00Right, house meeting.
00:17Can you pack it in with a harpsichord?
00:19We know what century it is.
00:21Charming.
00:22Right, weird one.
00:24No one is using the special new room for having a shit.
00:28Come on, you know who you are.
00:29You're all of you.
00:31I've just had a shit in there and it's obvious no one else has
00:33because the date on the arse-wiping newspaper
00:35is still the same date as when the water closet was originally installed.
00:40What is the problem?
00:41I don't see the point of it.
00:43Why do we have to go to a whole special room just to do a shit?
00:46What's wrong with just shitting in a pot and throwing it out the window?
00:49Yeah, and what happens when you want to do a shit
00:51and you go to the special room for doing a shit
00:53and someone's in there already?
00:54Well, you just have to wait.
00:56Wait? To do a shit?
00:58How is this a step forward?
01:00Answer, it isn't.
01:02It's worse.
01:03We are all perfectly happy doing our turds in pots
01:05and then hurling them out the window.
01:07But imagine if everyone did that.
01:09I don't have to imagine if everyone did that.
01:11Everyone does do that.
01:12It's called London.
01:13But this flush technology is so exciting.
01:16It's the future.
01:17Your shit lands in this little pool of water
01:20and sometimes you get a slight splash up the bum.
01:23Why is that good?
01:24Okay, that's not the point of it.
01:25Who wants to splash up the bum?
01:27Look, don't fixate on the splashing.
01:29I don't know why I mentioned that.
01:30What's good is that when you've finished,
01:33you pull the handle and the shit just goes.
01:36Forever.
01:37You don't have to worry about it.
01:38I don't worry about it when I chuck it out the window.
01:40I don't give it another thought.
01:41No, it's better because now it's not just piled up on the road.
01:45It's in the river.
01:46Where the poor people go to wash.
01:48Yes, but you're missing the point.
01:50Fuck them.
01:51We have a nice tidy house.
01:52Not really.
01:53There's still piss everywhere.
01:55But you're supposed to piss in there as well.
01:57What?
01:58You're supposed to use the special water closet when you want to piss.
02:02For a piss?
02:03We're supposed to go in there whenever we want to piss.
02:06Like, every time.
02:07It's just not workable.
02:09You go in the room, you come out of the room.
02:11I have other things to do.
02:13And how do you piss in there anyway?
02:15You're supposed to go in there and take your trousers off and sit down.
02:18Because what's going to happen?
02:19Ooh, the world might end if I get piss on my trousers.
02:22That's basically all they're for, isn't it?
02:24Soak up the piss?
02:25You just think everything modern is good, don't you?
02:28You were the same with not rounding up women who were good at herbal remedies and drowning them.
02:33Oh, that was creepy.
02:34Oh, let's not drown the women and let's all go in a special room for pissing and shitting.
02:39What kind of future are you imagining?
02:41One full of witches and no shit.
02:44In what single way would that be better?
02:47Hmm?
02:55Hi.
03:02Don't need a tray for the case.
03:04Um, sorry?
03:05Don't need a tray for the case.
03:06Um, don't need a tray for the case!
03:09Oh, yes, I'm sorry, I didn't hear.
03:11Case in the tray.
03:12Oh, but then...
03:13Case in the tray.
03:14Yes.
03:15In a tray.
03:16In a tray.
03:17Yes.
03:17Case in the tray.
03:18Shoes off.
03:23Oh.
03:24Should I take my shoes off?
03:25No.
03:29Should I put the shoes in the tray?
03:31In the tray?
03:32Yes.
03:33Yeah.
03:35Is that switched off?
03:37Yeah.
03:37Is it?
03:38Um, I don't...
03:40Oh, I turned it on now.
03:43On?
03:43It can't be on.
03:44You're trying to crash the aeroplane.
03:46No.
03:46Off.
03:47Yeah, sorry.
03:47What are you doing?
03:50I'm taking my belt off.
03:52Who told you to strip?
03:53Sorry, sometimes...
03:54Why are you getting undressed in public if you've got a problem?
03:56Sorry.
03:57You can smell your socks.
03:59You're so sweaty.
04:00Sorry, I...
04:01I had to rush to get to the check-in and it...
04:04You look very shifty and guilty.
04:06Yes.
04:07Sorry.
04:08Do we need the case after this?
04:09Passport ready?
04:10Yes.
04:10Get your passport ready.
04:11Yes.
04:11Passport ready!
04:12Passport!
04:13Get your passport!
04:14Passport ready!
04:15Get your passport ready!
04:16Have you got your passport?
04:18Is it ready?
04:19What's it you doing?
04:20Look at that, man.
04:21Leave it.
04:22Leave it.
04:22Move it on.
04:23Where is it?
04:24Is it in the tray?
04:24Hey!
04:29Previously on Sweary Aussie Drama...
04:33Fucking fuck, fuckface!
04:37What the fuck's going on?
04:39One cock-sucking minute with one fucking number...
04:42...and the fucking next with a fucking another!
04:44You've cocked up the count, you dozy prick!
04:47Fuck off, you smelly old arsehole!
04:49I've cocked up fucking fuck all!
04:51Those numbers are solid as a fucking rock!
04:53Don't you fucking fuck with me, you little prick, or you'll not get the fucking farm.
04:58If you're still drawing breath, I don't want your cunt fucking farm, you dozy old twat.
05:11Did you tell my fucking husband you went giving him the farm, you dick-breath old prick?
05:16Fuck yeah, and I'd tell him a fucking gen and fuck him up the ass for fucking free.
05:21He cocked up the count.
05:23I've fucking kept this fucking farm together by the skin of my fucking teeth,
05:28and I'll beat seven shades of shit out of you and every fucking dozy cock-sucking fuckface in the fucking place
05:35before I let you give it a fucking way!
05:43I'm giving the fucking farm to this cunt.
05:48Fuck's sake.
05:49For crying out fuck!
05:51This is my fucking farm!
05:53This is my fucking farm!
05:53Welcome to the fucking family.
05:56A suitcase isn't just a suitcase.
06:12It's a symbol.
06:14I'm giving the fucking farm.
06:15I'm giving the fucking farm.
06:16I'm giving the fucking farm.
06:17I'm giving the fucking farm.
06:18I'm giving the fucking farm.
06:19Our newest suitcase doesn't just carry your clothes.
06:21It carries the envy of anyone who dare lay eyes on it.
06:35I'm giving the fucking food.
06:36I'm giving the fucking farm to the table.
06:37You're going to be like, oh, this is my fucking farm.
06:38You're going to be like-
06:39Four sliding wheels, five levels of readjustable handles, I know.
06:48Cannon-eyed suitcase. It will fuck you up.
07:13If we had the budget, then that sketch would be about cars, wouldn't it?
07:17So the car goes past, everyone goes, wow.
07:20Yeah, but it wouldn't be funny if it was about cars.
07:22It wouldn't be an exaggeration, because that's literally what they do.
07:25Like, you'd be amazed at a Mazda. Really?
07:27Maybe if you time travelled from the Middle Ages,
07:29but otherwise it's just a normal car, isn't it?
07:32And if you've time travelled from the Middle Ages,
07:34you've just seen the inside of a time machine,
07:36which would also totally recontextualise the Mazda as comparatively mundane.
07:40Mm. They are good, though.
07:43What, Mazdas?
07:44No, just all normal cars now are much better than they used to be.
07:47I mean, just in terms of defrosting.
07:49You know, it's 1991 and you're getting into your second-hand Datsun Cherry on a cold and frosty morning.
07:54That is half an hour of intense shit.
07:57Scraping it, spraying it with cans of poison, kicking it, blowing on it, begging the fucking thing to go.
08:03You're just so old. It's just like an oral history project.
08:08You're like a historical person telling us about the spinning jenny.
08:11Yes. I'm old enough to remember when crisp packets had little windows in so you could see the crisps inside.
08:17Was good.
08:18Yeah, the crisp packets was good, but, you know, not the dog shit, the racism or the cars.
08:22You could literally see the crisps you were going to get rather than an idealised representation of them.
08:27So, if there were too many that were a little bit green round the edges, you could just move on.
08:31What? Crisps used to be green on the edge?
08:33In Britain, some of them, yes. Not most, but a few.
08:36Would you eat them anyways?
08:38Invariably.
08:39Is it...is it okay to come through? Are you ready?
08:47Come on, sir, we've got a lot of people waiting. It's not all about you.
08:50Right.
08:51Wait!
08:52Come on, then!
08:54No, no, no, no, no. Go back, go back, go back, go back.
08:57No, no, no. No. Do it like this, with a wiggle.
09:03Ignore the beep, it's cos I've got a gun.
09:05Come on, then!
09:09What are you doing?
09:11Ricky told me to...
09:12It's on you go.
09:14Pat!
09:16Pat!
09:17Pat!
09:18Oh, yeah, sorry.
09:19Sorry.
09:21Trey!
09:22Trey!
09:23Trey!
09:24Trey!
09:25Yes.
09:26Wait!
09:27Come on, then!
09:30Watch.
09:31Oh, sorry.
09:32Watch.
09:33Yeah, my bad.
09:34Give it to me.
09:39That's fine now.
09:41Have a lovely flight.
09:43Well, thank you.
09:44Body pass!
09:45Body pass!
09:46Body pass!
09:47Help!
09:48Help!
09:49Help!
09:50Help!
09:57And I was eight years old, and I suppose I realised...
10:00That's it.
10:01He's not coming back.
10:02My dad's not coming back.
10:03My dad's not coming back.
10:06That must have been a horrible moment.
10:09Well, yeah, it was.
10:11And as I think I've said before, I don't think I've really escaped from that moment.
10:17That must be very difficult.
10:19Yes.
10:20It is.
10:21And I suppose I've been hoping that, as I've been coming here every week for the last three
10:30years, that you would, in some way, not cure me exactly, but, um, okay, cure me.
10:40I mean, tell me what to do in order to feel better.
10:43It's understandable that you would want that.
10:45Well, I do want that.
10:46Of course you do.
10:47But you don't seem to be doing that.
10:50That must be hard.
10:51It is hard.
10:52So, how does it feel when I don't seem to do anything to help you?
10:57It feels shit.
10:59Of course.
11:01Okay, good.
11:02So, I'm going to press you.
11:04I feel relentlessly unhappy in my brain from a combination of what has happened to me and
11:08what I'm like.
11:09Well.
11:10And I understand that what I am like may be a product of what has happened to me.
11:13And?
11:14And that some of the things that have happened to me may be because of what I'm like.
11:18Mm-hmm.
11:19Yes.
11:20So, what are you going to do to fix me?
11:22Well, that's not really how we work.
11:25Okay.
11:26If I wanted someone to deliver a tumble dryer and I asked them to put the tumble dryer in
11:31the tumble dryer space and they said, that's not really how we work, I wouldn't pay them,
11:37would I?
11:38I wouldn't give them £300 and then come back the next week with another £300 and ask them
11:43again to put the tumble dryer in the tumble dryer space and then keep doing that every
11:47week since Covid, constantly contemplating the gaping hole where there should now be a
11:53tumble dryer.
11:55It's interesting that you reach for a tumble dryer.
11:58That's the analogy.
12:00Because, in a sense, you've been tumble dried, haven't you?
12:05In what sense?
12:07I don't have to back these things up.
12:09I'm just trying to help.
12:11If you're trying to help, tell me what to do so that I feel basically okay most of the
12:16time.
12:17What should I do with all my shit?
12:20Well, I suppose if you'd press me, my advice would be, you know, put it out of your mind.
12:31Put it out of my mind?
12:33Yes.
12:34Put it out of your mind.
12:36When you're thinking about it, just stop and think about something else.
12:41That's it?
12:42I suppose when it comes down to it, yes, that's it.
12:46You just have to put it out of your mind.
12:48I can't.
12:52Really?
12:53You know, just think about something else.
12:56Really?
12:57Really.
12:58Really?
12:59Wow.
13:01Okay, then.
13:03Well, in that case, here's someone who can sell you some crack.
13:16Just a straightforward shooting weekend.
13:22Just a straightforward shooting weekend.
13:24It was the TV scoop of the decade in which one of the most powerful men in the world,
13:29in a sort of soft power sense anyway, was humbled.
13:33And the people of Britain got to have a huge guilt-free laugh at a posh twat destroying his life in front of millions.
13:40I have a peculiar medical condition, which is that I don't sweat.
13:48Or I didn't sweat at the time.
13:50It was such a massive deal that the story of how it was achieved had to be told in a drama almost immediately after it had happened.
13:59You could make him look like a dick.
14:01Brilliant idea, Sam.
14:03But that wasn't the end of it, because another channel made a slightly different drama about exactly the same thing.
14:10I'm going to make him look like a dick.
14:13Sam, get us a round of teas and coffees, please.
14:17Right away.
14:18Now at last, a drama about how those two dramas about how the Prince Andrew interview came to be made, has come to be made.
14:27Because what's the alternative? Make up a new story for a drama?
14:31I don't think so. That doesn't work.
14:33Everything has got to be based on a true story, or a remake, otherwise it will lose money.
14:38Hi there. I'm the real Emily Mateless.
14:41Pleased to meet you. I'm Amerson. Well done on the Prince Andrew interview. That's certainly put the world to rights.
14:46Thank you. And of course, I'm mainly why that interview happened, so I thought we could make a drama about it.
14:51Great idea. Let's do it. We could use some of the money we made destroying the high street.
14:55By the way, why didn't you go to Netflix?
14:58Um... Welcome to Netflix.
15:00I'm Sam McAllister, the person who mainly made the Prince Andrew interview happen, rather than anyone on screen who usually take credit for these things.
15:08Of course.
15:09So, I thought we could make a drama about it. Otherwise, there's a risk that everyone will stop banging on about it.
15:14Well, we can't have that.
15:15Let's do it. We can use some of the money we made from televising Princess Diana's bulimia.
15:21Some stories have to be told.
15:24Twice.
15:27With slightly different takes on how the admin was done.
15:30This research is riddled with errors. And that's not how you spell Ghislaine.
15:34It's Prince Anthony. Is that right?
15:36It's Andrew, Emily.
15:37Oh, you're a lifesaver.
15:39How's my hair?
15:40Yeah.
15:41Coming to ITV this autumn.
15:42The true story of how the two dramas which both told how the Prince Andrew interview on Newsnight got made, were themselves made.
15:50It's just been announced that BBC are doing their own version of this with James Corden playing both Prince Andrews.
15:58Shit!
15:59Let me show you what I mean.
16:08OK.
16:09We've recently developed all sorts of new ways of analysing web traffic.
16:14Yeah.
16:15It's very, very clever and illuminating.
16:17Great.
16:18It's really no longer as simple a metric as number of views.
16:22Oh.
16:23And this is where you come into the kitchen.
16:26You have a problem with your washing machine?
16:28So, yes, we can actually see what bit viewers are focusing on most.
16:33I think I can guess which bit.
16:35You might be surprised.
16:37I'm going to need my big spanner.
16:41OK, so here...
16:42Sounds like I'm talking about my big cock.
16:44Yes, except we've just been looking at your big cock, so we know you don't mean that.
16:49Yep.
16:50You literally do mean that you need...
16:53Different sized spanner.
16:55And actually, this is where we see a real uplift in views.
16:59Really?
17:00Yes.
17:01It builds from here and peaks at this point, 4 minutes 12 seconds,
17:06when you take the front off the washing machine and start to replace the drum.
17:10You see this bit?
17:12Yes, we see this a lot with the Electrolux.
17:15Have you got the part?
17:17No.
17:18I'll have to order it in.
17:19Yes, that's the absolute viewing numbers peak.
17:22And then it drops off a cliff when you start having sex again.
17:26Although there is then another peak in the follow-up video,
17:29when you arrive with the replacement part from Electrolux.
17:32Lots of views for you sticking it in.
17:34Oh.
17:35So they do want to see that...
17:36I can't believe how badly I expressed that.
17:38They want to see you repair the washing machine, not have a fuck with the lady.
17:43Not have a fuck with the lady?
17:44No.
17:45That's what the analysis is telling us.
17:47But I've always been the sexy...
17:49The sexy plumber.
17:50Yes.
17:51You're a big star, Barry.
17:53A stalwart of the industry.
17:55You always get the highest number of hits.
17:58Turning up in your boiler suit with your tools.
18:01And getting down to business.
18:02Well, this is it.
18:03It's always been sex and plumbing.
18:06And I suppose, cynics that we are, we've all been sort of assuming that the sex was the draw.
18:13But...
18:14But...
18:15They're watching for the plumbing, Barry.
18:17That's what they want.
18:19Plumbing tips.
18:20You've been doing this for a long time and without realising it, you've become a damn good plumber.
18:25They don't want to see...
18:26Damn good plumber.
18:28I don't want to be...
18:29A really damn, damn good plumber.
18:32Look...
18:33I'd take the compliment, Barry.
18:35The internet is full of porn.
18:37But a genuinely helpful step-by-step guide to replacing a u-bend is like a hen's tooth.
18:43I don't know what to say.
18:45You wear your knowledge so lightly.
18:47In all the other instructional videos online, the men doing the explaining take ages because they're so thrilled with themselves.
18:54You're different.
18:55You just spend that time getting blown and then do the plumbing bit super quickly.
18:59It's much less patronising.
19:02Are you going to stop paying me to have sex?
19:06We are, yes.
19:07And start paying me to do plumbing?
19:09Indeed.
19:10So, obviously, I've called you in here to discuss a pay rise.
19:16Okay, but what's funny about that punchline?
19:19Well, it's making the satirical point that plumbers are expensive.
19:23More expensive than porn stars?
19:25Obviously, I have no idea, but plumbers are expensive.
19:27God, yeah.
19:28I think people will relate to that.
19:30Bloody plumbers.
19:31Okay, I just don't know if that's, like, is that what we want this show to say?
19:36I find it comforting.
19:37You know, bloody plumbers.
19:39Bloody weather.
19:40Nice old complaints.
19:41You know where you are.
19:43Okay, but I just feel like it's a sketch about porn.
19:47For me, it's about plumbing.
19:49I think it's nice to start with a sexual theme and then move immediately away from it.
19:54I think that's nice.
19:56For me, the classic plumber in porn scenario is a fantasy about escaping the plumber's astronomical bill.
20:03You know, can I fuck my way out of this?
20:06That's not what I...
20:07I just think the sex industry is something that we need to confront.
20:10You know?
20:11Like, not the sex workers.
20:12Obviously, what they're doing is amazing.
20:15Or, yes.
20:17But the industry.
20:18That's what I'm saying.
20:19The industry is something we want to confront.
20:21Like, the client.
20:22They're the problem.
20:24And we want to make a sketch where we say,
20:26the people who hold the means of production, they're wrong.
20:29Plumbers are so expensive.
20:34But...
20:35What if the boiler goes?
20:37It could go at any moment.
20:41You have to be kidding.
20:42Leave him.
20:43And unless my demands are met, I will activate the ray and trigger the destruction of the entire world!
20:59Please, you can't do this.
21:00Oh, I most certainly can.
21:02We beg of you. We need more time.
21:04We want to live. We all want to live.
21:06Cease your pathetic snivelling.
21:08The second I pull this lever, the death ray will charge and the entire world will be annihilated in 56 years!
21:22What?
21:24The world as you know it! The entirety of the...
21:27No, we heard that. What was the second bit?
21:30In 56 years!
21:33So it'll take...
21:36A death ray of this magnitude needs an amount of time to charge,
21:40and in this case, yes, it will take 56 years!
21:4356 years?
21:44The second I pull this...
21:4656 years?
21:47The world will end!
21:49Forever!
21:50No, no, absolutely. It's still bad.
21:53Still?
21:54Oh, yes. It's terrifying, for sure.
21:56The entire world! Destroyed!
21:59It's just difficult to get up a sense of urgency with that as a timeframe.
22:03That's what it is, yeah.
22:04I mean, I don't want to die.
22:05I don't want my kids to die.
22:07No, that thing about the kids is completely valid.
22:09But then...
22:10It's just... I don't... It's not quite...
22:12What are you talking about?
22:1456 years, it's sort of... I don't know.
22:17Like, personally, I'm better with a deadline.
22:20Same, same.
22:21I mean, aren't we all?
22:22For me, it's the not knowing.
22:23Ugh, the not knowing is so much worse.
22:24Yeah, just get it done, do you know what I mean?
22:26Yeah, it's like a bit of a relief.
22:28Thank you, yes.
22:29It is, isn't it?
22:30Yeah.
22:31You cannot want the world to end in 56 years.
22:34We don't.
22:35No, no, no, no, no.
22:36But also...
22:37I mean, what can we do, really?
22:39You can meet my demands!
22:40Oh, God, and we absolutely would.
22:43But we're already juggling so much already.
22:45Ugh, you can say that again.
22:47You...
22:48You could walk around in the knowledge that the world is ending
22:52and you're doing nothing to stop it.
22:55I mean, we don't want to, but it's hard to make it a priority.
23:00Well, do you know, this has been a real wake-up call for me.
23:03Yeah.
23:05Really?
23:06No, just transfer the funds into my account.
23:08We will let everyone know.
23:10Yeah.
23:11Why have I been in such a funk?
23:12It's only 56 years!
23:15This can be avoided!
23:18Shut the door, shall we?
23:26Do you know what?
23:27They don't deserve it.
23:28Let the oceans boil them to death, they're pricks.
23:45Watch nobody!
23:47Ain't that out for you!
23:48I'm not even inside.
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