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00:00This is the Channel 99 News Network.
00:06It's live now to Washington DC for the show that takes a look at what's going on on the other side of the Atlantic.
00:12Hi, I'm nine-time Pulitzer Prize winning news anchor Douglas Digger Daily.
00:18Together with my team of crack reporters, I'll be lifting the lid on the stories that matter
00:23over on that special little island they think of as great and we just call Britain.
00:29This is Britain Today Tonight.
00:35On tonight's show, security correspondent John Donovan asks what sort of suitcase would a terrorist buy?
00:42The plane is split in two.
00:44Absolute.
00:45Why? Because you bought the cheap luggage.
00:47Investigative reporter Ken Kildoon goes deep undercover to find out how easy it is to persuade British athletes to dope their way to victory.
00:56I'm not gonna say that you're gonna wake up in the morning with testicles the size of a couple of petit pois.
01:00And special correspondent Peter P. Powers follows another report from inside the British Secret Service as they attempt to develop acceptable methods of torture.
01:09Faisal, it's Nicholas Charles. I think I have exactly what we're looking for.
01:14Thanks for taking the time. I'm Digger Daily.
01:24Millions of Britons will soon be heading for UK airports on their annual holiday abroad.
01:29While a traveler's worst nightmare used to be their suitcases going AWOL and having to buy new underwear, these days air travel carries a much greater threat, with the risk of a terror attack being described by the British Foreign Office as high.
01:42Our security correspondent John Donovan now investigates the menace of terrorist baggage tampering.
01:49My name is John Michael Patrick Donovan.
01:53Ex-Australian television action star turned television action journalist.
02:00Hi there, John Donovan.
02:02Previously we've proved how prepared even a local stationer is to tackle a terrorist on a shopping spree.
02:09Today I'm back in Tooting, visiting a high street shop that's perhaps more of a magnet for terrorists than any other.
02:19Because if you want to bring down an international airliner, you're almost certainly going to need some luggage.
02:24Paul, how long have you been selling luggage for here in Tooting?
02:2850 years myself.
02:30Great, so we could just have a look at the various types of luggage available for the modern traveler.
02:36The traveler who might be concerned that international terrorists might tamper with their baggage, placing a bomb on it, then placing that baggage on their plane, and then when they're up in the air that plane will explode.
02:47Absolutely.
02:49Paul began by demonstrating why buying cheap is playing into the terrorists' hairy, blood-stained hands.
02:56Now, once I put all of my belongings in the bag, how is it secured?
03:01The only way to secure this is to padlock the zips together.
03:04Padlock.
03:05It goes on the plane, bang, in there, underneath the fuselage, next thing I know it, I'm enjoying my in-flight meal, bang.
03:11Exactly.
03:12The plane is split in two.
03:14Absolutely.
03:15Why?
03:16Because you bought the cheap luggage.
03:18Absolutely.
03:19This to me looks gearish, looks slightly cheap and tacky.
03:22It is.
03:23But could potentially contain a terrorist explosive device.
03:26That is possible, but that's a shopping trolley.
03:30Let's move on to something a bit more secure, Paul. What have we got here?
03:33What we've got here, John, is really the most secure you can get if you're going to travel.
03:39That looks pretty secure.
03:40If you're going to travel.
03:41Now, look at that.
03:42Tell the folks at home about what makes this international terror-proof.
03:46First thing, no zip.
03:48Three locks.
03:50Three locks.
03:51Not one, not two, but three.
03:52One combination key.
03:54What if their key got into the wrong hands?
03:57What would happen is they would be able to plant bombs and they could blow you out of the sky.
04:03He's good.
04:04On the face.
04:05With luggage expert Paul unable to guarantee a bomb-free flight, another solution was needed.
04:12A solution with four paws and a wet nose.
04:16Now, we're about to present the future of airline safety in the shape of Anne and sniffer dog Breeze.
04:24To put Breeze's sniffer skills to the ultimate test, we've hidden something illegal inside this luggage shop.
04:30Smell that.
04:31Okay, go find it.
04:32Breeze is looking.
04:33Breeze is looking for something.
04:34But he doesn't know what.
04:35Is he there?
04:36Is he there?
04:37Where can he be?
04:38Well, what's Breeze doing right now?
04:39He's checking everything.
04:40She's checking everything.
04:41Whoa.
04:42What's she found?
04:43She's found something.
04:44What's she found?
04:45Paul, Paul, open that case.
04:46Get that case open.
04:47What have we got here, John?
04:54Incredible.
04:55Incredible.
04:56Breeze, the sniffer dog, has found an illegal migrant hiding in a piece of luggage.
05:04You would not have thought that a person would be in there.
05:07There's nowhere to run.
05:08There's nowhere to hide.
05:09My name's John Donovan.
05:11Thanks for watching.
05:12Get some of that dog.
05:18The industrial scale of the Russian athletics doping scandal shocked the world.
05:24But how much pressure are British athletes coming under to achieve glory for their country?
05:29Investigative reporter and master of disguise Ken Kildoon has this exclusive report.
05:35I'm Ken Kildoon.
05:38Okay, look.
05:39Here's the plan.
05:40As an undercover reporter, I'll go to any lengths for a story.
05:43Whether it's getting into disguise.
05:44We're high powered Arab sheikhs.
05:46Or getting into danger.
05:48Ken Kildoon.
05:50I've got it covered.
05:52With naughty Russia having encouraged its naughty athletes to take performance enhancing drugs
05:58to ensure glory on the world stage, I decided to come here to this amateur athletics club
06:03in South London and go undercover to find out how easy it is to tempt athletes at grassroots
06:08level off the same arrow.
06:10Fucking sign, mate.
06:11Since the year 2000, over 100 Olympic athletes have been stripped of their medals due to
06:17the illegal use of performance enhancing drugs.
06:20So to see whether this corruption has spread to British amateur athletics for this week's
06:24undercover sting, I'm posing as a dope pushing Russian physiotherapist called Yuri.
06:30Hi, how are you, Yuri?
06:31Russian physiotherapist.
06:32The amateur athletes I'm meeting all think they're coming for a free physical examination.
06:37But how many of them will jump at the chance of also taking my performance enhancing drugs?
06:42First things first, I had to convince the athletes of my Russian cover story.
06:47Do you travel far?
06:48Just from Battersea.
06:49Lovely, I love Battersea.
06:50Well, I've never heard of it.
06:51I'm Russian.
06:52Russian's a fantastic place.
06:53I love being Russian.
06:54I say ah.
06:55Ah.
06:56I say b.
06:57Ah.
06:58And sure.
06:59Ah.
07:00Good.
07:01I breathe in.
07:02And out.
07:03I breathe in.
07:04And out.
07:05Sorry about that, that was miles away.
07:07Yep, here.
07:08Yep.
07:09Good.
07:10Yep.
07:11Okay.
07:12Yep.
07:13Yep.
07:14Yep.
07:15Yep.
07:16Yep.
07:17How's that?
07:18Good.
07:19Yep.
07:20Yep.
07:21Yep.
07:22Yep.
07:23Yep.
07:24Yep.
07:25Yep.
07:26Yep.
07:27Lovely.
07:28Sports massage complete.
07:29It was time to ramp this undercover sting operation into phase two.
07:31looking for a fast man. A very fast man. He wants to find the next Huseyan Bolt.
07:35Yeah.
07:36With the athletes all firmly convinced by my act as a skilled and worldly wise Russian doctor,
07:41I wheeled out the merchandise.
07:49Derexiform difambizate, also known as teen eternal.
07:54Simply the best.
07:55Dexadrindimufasate spandow ballet.
07:58Gold.
07:59And to its right, what is only known in the business as Daft Punk.
08:03Stronger, faster, longer, if you know what I mean.
08:06Now these two I had carefully transported.
08:09This one I had to transport myself.
08:11And you don't want to know where I was transporting it.
08:13Oh god.
08:16That comes complimentary with every bottle.
08:20Looks like pee.
08:21It looks like pee. It smells like pee. It is pee.
08:24Oh my lord.
08:25Is it something you might be interested in?
08:27Having nailed the pitch, it was time to see who would take the bait.
08:31I know what you're worried about. You're worried about symptoms.
08:33I'm not going to say that you're going to wake up in the morning with testicles the size of a couple of petit pois.
08:37All I'm saying is if it does happen, don't panic.
08:40Nah.
08:41Look, do you want to be on Dimitri's dream team or not?
08:43I've come all the way from Russia.
08:44Come on man, just take the pills.
08:46No, Baba.
08:47No, Baba.
08:48It seemed none of the athletes was the slightest bit interested in my banned substances.
08:52But perhaps I could tempt them with some full on emotional blackmail.
08:56I've got to complain.
08:57I'm an undercover journalist.
08:59If I don't get footage of an up and coming athlete taking an alaboric steroid banned substance,
09:05I'm never going to be able to do an undercover sting ever again.
09:09I'm ruined.
09:10I said give me a disguise.
09:11They said we ain't got the budget.
09:13We cannae have time to give you a disguise.
09:15Go in there and just tell them what they want to hear.
09:17Hmm.
09:18Do I look like a fucking Russian physiotherapist to you?
09:21No.
09:23Exactly.
09:24The athletes were having none of it.
09:26So as the old proverb goes, when the going gets tough, the tough take an overdose.
09:31I'll take one.
09:34It's really easy.
09:35You just put it in your mouth.
09:38Just one.
09:39Come on.
09:40Just let me take one.
09:41I've got it.
09:42No, I've still got it.
09:43Just wait.
09:47I think I need to lie down.
09:58Tina Turner could help you with them.
10:00Fuck Tina Turner.
10:01I interviewed her in 1989.
10:03She was a bitch.
10:11So there you have it.
10:12British Athletics really is en route health.
10:15Unlike my lower intestine.
10:17This is Ken Kildun for Britain Today Tonight.
10:21Nice form there, Ken.
10:23And great news on your liver transplant.
10:26Well, that's just about it for part one.
10:28But coming up in part two, straight talking lifestyle reporter Mandy Manners asks,
10:33Are super foods really that super?
10:36That's delicious.
10:37It's gone right through me.
10:38Is there a toilet?
10:39Waterboarding, sleep deprivation, being kept in a box for over 200 hours.
10:54Security agencies call them enhanced interrogation techniques, while the radical leftists call it torture.
11:01And thanks to those liberal do-gooders in Britain, the authorities are having to look for new ways of making the bad guys talk.
11:09Our special correspondent Peter P. Powers reports now from inside the British Secret Service.
11:16Topics of controversy don't come more controversial than the topic of torture.
11:22Having secured permission to film British Secret Service agent Sir Nicholas Charles,
11:27you are about to witness his covert attempts to give interrogation techniques a much needed makeover.
11:33Well, how it used to be is you'd tie a man to a chair and beat him to death with his own cat.
11:40But things have changed since then.
11:42We can tie them to a chair, but we can't necessarily beat them.
11:45What we can do potentially is pay a yodeler to yodel in their ears until they wet themselves and then tell us exactly what we need to hear.
11:57Under the ingenious guise of booking the entertainment act for his Christmas party, and with my hidden cameras rolling,
12:03Sir Nicholas invites musicians to audition for him.
12:06They have absolutely no idea that he's actually attempting to recruit a new chief interrogator.
12:12Tell us where the hostages are being kept. You know, that kind of thing, you know.
12:17Although certain musical genres have proved successful in previous interrogation situations,
12:22Sir Nicholas is keen to find a fresh approach, and has particularly high hopes for rapper Izzy Gibbs.
12:30Okay, take a seat. Okay, great.
12:32We need you.
12:34For what?
12:35To take it to the next lev's, yo.
12:38Say the person that you're battling is sat in a seat, and you know his name,
12:43you know where he's from, you know what he's been up to, but you want certain information from him.
12:49This doesn't sound like a rap battle. This sounds like something that someone's been caught, like.
12:54That's what you see on TV, like some James Bond business.
12:56Something like that, yes.
12:58Having enticed rapper Izzy, Sir Nicholas is keen to see exactly what he's capable of.
13:04Stand, please.
13:05Alright, cool.
13:06I want to see some humiliation, degradation techniques, and I want to see them now.
13:11I need the correct intel, where he's from.
13:13He's from a small village outside Kabul. Hit me.
13:16Alright, cool.
13:17So I say, listen, you're a terrorist from Kabul, and you're not on a ball.
13:22I'm with soldiers and they'll put holes in your can go.
13:25Big blade, leave your belly looking like spag ball.
13:27Is that spag ball?
13:28Yeah, spag ball.
13:29Spag ball.
13:30Spag ball, yeah, definitely.
13:31That's good, I like that.
13:32Okay, good.
13:33Now we need the location codes.
13:34You need to give us location codes.
13:36Yes.
13:37I hate you, bro, you should have stayed low.
13:38We want to know where the safe house is.
13:40We need to know where the safe house is.
13:42Lay down where the ground is.
13:44Good, now make fun of his beard a bit.
13:46Your beard looks like pubes.
13:47I ain't got time for these youths.
13:49Take a seat, Izzy.
13:50What, then I can sit down now?
13:51You sit down.
13:52Alright, cool.
13:53Impressed by Izzy's audition, Sir Nicholas formally offers him a senior role in the fight against terror.
14:00Would you be interested in the position of chief interrogator?
14:05Chief interrogator?
14:06Yes.
14:07How much do you get paid?
14:09For every piece of information you gain, we pay you...
14:17And that's in cash.
14:22Are you mad?
14:24Boy.
14:25Why don't you have a little think about it?
14:27Me?
14:28And we'll be back with the second part of Peter's special report in two shakes of a crying child on a train.
14:36Just like here in the US, the liberal elitist foodie fascists of Britain just can't get enough of one thing.
14:44Super foods.
14:45But are they really as super as they claim?
14:48Lifestyle reporter Mandy Manners now goes beyond the kale to find out.
14:55The health food industry in Britain is worth over two billion pounds.
14:59With sales of super foods such as kale, goji berries and chia seeds rising by a staggering 400% over the last five years.
15:07But how have health foods got so popular?
15:09And what makes them so healthy to begin with?
15:11Enough about your fucking burrito!
15:14I'm going to start my journey at the beginning, talking raw ingredients with nutritionist Natalie Gillen.
15:20Hi Natalie, hi!
15:21Mandy, how are you?
15:22Nice to see you.
15:23Nice to see you.
15:24So nice to see you.
15:25Should we go and talk about whole foods?
15:27Absolutely.
15:28Let's do it.
15:29Come on.
15:30Yeah.
15:31Right.
15:32Is that what they want?
15:33Yeah, that's good.
15:34We're here at a whole foods supermarket with my new friend Natalie, who's a qualifying nutritionist,
15:39who's talking to us about super foods.
15:41Why is kale green?
15:43Kale is green because it has a lot of chlorophyll.
15:45Now, for those of you that don't know what chlorophyll is, chlorophyll is the thing that keeps
15:50the bees from dying?
15:54Don't think so.
15:56Really?
15:57Yeah.
15:58Shit.
15:59Shall we go into free from?
16:00Yeah, let's do that.
16:03I'm holding in front of me a cucumber.
16:05Yeah.
16:06Why is a cucumber good to put inside your body?
16:08Well, cucumber is good to put inside your salad.
16:11That's to start.
16:12No, I meant the salad.
16:13Yeah, I meant the salad.
16:14The salad.
16:15So if you put it in the salad, it looks very good.
16:16Yeah, it looks great.
16:17And it has very low calorie count.
16:18It's a shame to chop it up really, isn't it?
16:20Avocados.
16:21If these aren't a super food, I don't know what is.
16:23Feel the weight of those.
16:24They're impressive.
16:25It reminds me of something.
16:26Yeah.
16:27It reminds me of someone.
16:29Nutritionist Natalie proved to be a fountain of knowledge, so I decided to ask her a series
16:34of further questions.
16:36Sometimes I eat some things and I just need to fart constantly.
16:40That's fine when I'm in the comfort of my own home, but if I'm on a first date or something,
16:44then the whole date I'm holding my farts in.
16:46If he's buying me dinner and stuff, then I'm like, oh my God, what do I order on the menu
16:50that isn't going to make me just want to fart like a fucking train?
16:53To my horror, Natalie suggested I might be one of the 7% of women in the UK who are
16:58gluten intolerant.
16:59But the good news is that eating superfoods really can't help because they're just bursting
17:03with anti-allergy nutrients.
17:06Great news for women like Jenny, whose life changed beyond recognition when a severe reaction
17:11to a meal led her to be diagnosed with full-blown food allergies.
17:15What's it like suffering with food intolerances?
17:17It's horrible because you're always on the lookout for, I wonder if I can have this,
17:22I wonder if I can have that.
17:23So you're at the table.
17:24Yes.
17:25You're about to put that first mouthful of corn thief in your mouth.
17:28Yes.
17:29What happened then?
17:30My face started to swell.
17:31Cheeks and eyes.
17:32Your face is just getting bigger and bigger?
17:33Yeah, like that.
17:34Like a toad or something?
17:35Less than a toad, maybe a frog.
17:37So what happens when you eat a boiled egg?
17:39Then I have an anaphylactic shock.
17:41Right.
17:42Which is, yeah.
17:43Now for those of you that don't know what an anaphylactic shock is, it's actually where
17:46your anaphylactides, do they go, the anal fallopian tubes?
17:52No.
17:53No.
17:54Nothing like that.
17:55Oh.
17:56I just get a swelling in the throat.
17:58Yeah?
17:59You can't swallow, you know, everything swells.
18:00I know, I know.
18:01And some guys just expect you to and it's just like, disgusting.
18:04Right.
18:05Get it out.
18:06I'm not that kind of girl.
18:07I am, but I'm not.
18:08Not today.
18:09You know?
18:10Okay.
18:11I am.
18:12I am.
18:13I am.
18:14I am.
18:15I am.
18:16And there's one way of consuming them that's more popular than ever.
18:19In a juice.
18:20So I'm off to meet health food entrepreneur, Adria Wu, to find out what makes the perfect
18:25superfood smoothie.
18:26I'm ready for the magic of you.
18:28Let's get juicing.
18:29Okay.
18:30Let's get juicing.
18:31Mixing beets, apples, carrots, celery, stuff and things, Adria treated me to a cleansing
18:36juice named First Love.
18:37So that's why we call this juice the first love.
18:40You get it now.
18:41It's like breaking your virginity.
18:42Not what I had in mind, but sure.
18:44Oh, really?
18:45Yeah.
18:46Oh, shit.
18:47So this is first love.
18:48Yep.
18:49To you.
18:50Cheers.
18:51To you.
18:52First love.
18:53To juice.
18:54To superfoods.
18:55That's delicious.
18:56It's gone right through me.
18:57Is there a toilet?
18:58Yeah.
18:59Yeah, good.
19:00After taking what can only be described as the greatest dump of my young life, there
19:04was one more question about the benefits of juicing I was literally burning to ask.
19:08What's a good juice for like, you know, if you've been busy downstairs and stuff and
19:11you've met like a bit of a start and he's kind of going at it and like, you know, he's
19:15hasn't done it in months.
19:16Like he's just come out of prison after 10 years or something.
19:19Not that he did.
19:20It was five years.
19:21I'd love to say I can relate, but I can't, but I will imagine.
19:23I will imagine.
19:24Yeah.
19:25You should imagine, but not for too long because, you know, it was pretty intense.
19:28Have you ever been on a sex swing?
19:30No.
19:31I have not.
19:32I wouldn't advise it.
19:33But anyway, what's good for thrush?
19:35Um, I could have a thing, but.
19:37Yeah, would you?
19:38Just tweet me.
19:39I will.
19:40I'll tweet you.
19:41I'll see you next time on Mindy Manners Investigates.
19:44Back to you in the studio.
19:49Time now for the second part of Government Insider, Peter P. Powers' exclusive report
19:54on Britain's Secret Service, as it works to develop torture techniques that befit a modern-day
20:00Britain.
20:01In the first part of my report, we saw Izzy the Rapper give Sir Nicholas Charles of the
20:07British Secret Service a new method to ruthlessly humiliate any captive.
20:12But there are other ways to pursue the kind of psychological degradation that can persuade
20:17terrorist suspects to give up vital intelligence.
20:20And Sir Nicholas thinks unsuspecting musician John has the perfect tool for the job.
20:26Bagpipes.
20:27Yeah?
20:28I'd love to hear some.
20:30I need to tune up a little bit.
20:32That's fine.
20:33Tune up away.
20:42My ears are quite wingy from that.
20:44Yeah.
20:45Right.
20:46Excellent.
20:47OK.
20:53Sorry.
20:54Sorry.
20:55I quite liked what you were doing before.
20:57Yeah, but I was just tuning up.
20:58No, I know.
20:59But there was a quality about it that I think I could possibly use.
21:02And letting my tune?
21:03No.
21:04Oh, I could play that song really badly if you wanted me to.
21:07Oh, how badly are we talking?
21:08So that you wouldn't want to hear it anymore?
21:10And for how long?
21:11Two minutes.
21:12I'd need at least 25.
21:13I'd need at least 25.
21:14With Sir Nicholas having identified exactly what he wanted from John, he steps it up a gear,
21:19as this extraordinary footage now reveals.
21:22Would you play it worse?
21:23Even worse.
21:24Faisal, it's Nicholas Charles.
21:25I think I have exactly what we're looking for.
21:38Have a listen.
21:39Yes.
21:40Yes.
21:41Yes, he looks the part.
21:42He looks quite scary.
21:43I'm not going to ask him that.
21:44Faisal wants to know, are you wearing any underwear?
21:46No, that's for me to know.
21:47For him, never to find out.
21:48He said it's for him to know and for you to find out.
21:51No, never to find out.
21:52Yes.
21:53Excellent.
21:54OK, I'll see you in Yemen.
21:55Lots of love.
21:56Bye-bye.
21:57We'll get the contract drawn up, and I'll see you at the airport, I suppose.
22:01Thanks to John the bagpiper, Sir Nicholas lives to torture another day.
22:06This is Peter.
22:07I'm not going to ask him that.
22:08Faisal wants to know, are you wearing any underwear?
22:11No, that's for me to know.
22:12For him, never to find out.
22:13He said it's for him to know and for you to find out.
22:15No, never to find out.
22:16Yes.
22:17Excellent.
22:18OK, I'll see you in Yemen.
22:19Lots of love.
22:20Bye-bye.
22:21This is Peter P. Powers for Britain Today Tonight.
22:26Next time on Britain Today Tonight, security expert John Donovan tests the vigilance of
22:31the great British public with the help of a terrorist lookalike.
22:34I want to go to Euro Disney.
22:36Euro Disney.
22:37Euro Disney.
22:38I want to fly playing at the Goofy's mouth.
22:40Can't wait for that.
22:42Tonight's show was brought to you in association with Purple Rooster Erectile Dysfunction Cream.
22:48Helps your cock-a-doodle-doo.
22:50I'm Dicker Daly.
22:51Thanks for taking the time.
22:53Where's my goddamn pen?
22:57Where's my goddamn pen?
22:58Where's my goddamn pen?
22:59Where's my goddamn pen?
23:04there from this book?
23:07It was fun.
23:09I was the
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