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00:00.
00:29Hello, I'm Chris Beale and this is Open Books, Norfolk's foremost forum for lovers of literature.
00:35Why Open Books? Well, firstly because our focus is be that most inviting of sites, Open Books.
00:41We also hope our guests will speak candidly and be, if you will, Open Books.
00:45And finally, we trust that the show's title will not command but cajole viewers.
00:49For goodness sake, Open Books.
00:51Our guest tonight is a broadcaster who has recently stepped out of the radio studio and onto our bookshelves.
00:57Although, not literally, I hope. Let's take a look.
01:05My guest today is a broadcasting colossus. He first entered our lives as a sports journalist.
01:10Striker!
01:12Where he did a great deal to champion the use of women in sport.
01:15It's a great model. It goes like a bomb. And the car's not bad either. Come on. Let's go burn some rubber.
01:22He was hugely successful.
01:24Spunky lady!
01:25But soon became disillusioned with sports reporting.
01:28Really quite wet here. Really is quite wet. It was horrible. Really awful.
01:33Just two years later, he found primetime stardom as the host of his own television chat show.
01:39Well, thank you, my dear. I don't give a damn.
01:42Of course I do. Of course I give a damn.
01:44But his flirtation with BBC television was to end in an unfortunate incident.
01:49Careful with that.
01:53What happens now?
01:54Having left the corporation, Alan struggled with depression and weight gain.
01:58Grass!
02:00Bang!
02:02Wallop!
02:05What a video!
02:07But then a rebirth.
02:08Keep your clubs away from his young. It's Seal.
02:11He reimagined himself as a local DJ on North Norfolk Digital.
02:15Bang! Pepper!
02:17Where he's become a candid and comforting presence.
02:19I try to maintain a healthy anus.
02:21Far from being depressed, he says he is genuinely happier than he has ever been before.
02:26And has re-emerged into the public eye.
02:29Hello!
02:30I'm Alan Partridge.
02:32This time via the written word with the publication of his memoir.
02:37I, Partridge.
02:38We need to talk about Alan.
02:41You should ask if people want ice.
02:43Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr Alan Partridge.
02:52Good evening to you, Alan.
02:53And also to you.
02:54Now, we always start on open books by asking our authors about their relationship with literature.
03:00First of all, Alan Partridge and literature aren't ideas that necessarily sit together in the mind's eye.
03:07No.
03:08But I think they do in the brain's ear.
03:11Right.
03:12And what would you mean by that?
03:14Good question.
03:16How do you discover your gift for writing, Alan?
03:18Well, I was touched deeply by an English teacher at school.
03:22And I found that very exciting.
03:24And I knew I was good at literature because, of course, for my work that year I got straight A's.
03:29And did that come in useful as a broadcaster?
03:32I did.
03:33I remember amending marketing material when I was at Saxon Radio in Berri St Edmunds.
03:38And I realised I had something special.
03:41The blurb about my show was littered with over familiar references to Alan.
03:46I was changing the Departage or Miss Departage when I realised I was also slightly improving the copy itself.
03:53For example, I changed the phrase latest chart music to freshest pop sounds.
03:58Right.
03:59And the best of our outputs to the cream of our discharge.
04:04And people really sat up and took notice after that.
04:07And that's when I realised I had a gift.
04:09If you don't mind me saying, I rather like your choice of clothes this evening.
04:12It makes you look like a country gent.
04:15It doesn't.
04:16It makes me look like a writer.
04:18Great choice of colours, anyway.
04:20I've primarily gone for oxblood and mustard.
04:24Sounds like soup of the month.
04:25I'm sure I'd enjoy the taste of that.
04:27I prefer, um, uh, Broccoli and Stilton.
04:32Let's move on now and talk about your book.
04:34It's titled I, Partridge, We Need to Talk About Alan.
04:38That's my book.
04:39And as ever on Open Books, we've asked a local book club to run the rule over the week's book.
04:44This week's group are from Bickling near Aylsham.
04:47Welcome.
04:50Hello there.
04:51Hello.
04:52And we'll be hearing from you a little later on, um, to find out in general,
04:55what did you think of the book? Did you like the book, guys?
04:58Yes.
04:59Yes.
05:00Great.
05:03Now Alan has very kindly agreed to read some selected passages from his autobiography.
05:08This is from a chapter entitled Beginnings.
05:14Where's the book?
05:17It should be there.
05:18Pitter-patter goes the rain on the window. Pitter-patter, pitter-patter.
05:23And outside, cars zoom up and down the road.
05:26Some of them dropping down to second gear to turn right into gate and road.
05:29On the pavement, people hurry and scurry, both to and fro.
05:33A clap of thunder. Bam!
05:35And some pretty gusty wind.
05:37Everyone agrees it's a pretty dramatic evening all round.
05:40Pan right, it's a hospital room.
05:42A clammy pregnant woman lies spread-eagled on the bed
05:45and is about to produce pitter-patter of her own.
05:48She's not going to wet herself,
05:49although that is often a distressing side effect of childbirth.
05:52I'm referring to the pitter-patter of children's feet.
05:55Stand back, says the midwife.
05:57Her contraptions are massive.
05:59Looks like Anthony Eden's going to be named Prime Minister,
06:02muttles a nurse as she strolls past the door.
06:05Chelsea are back to win a First Division title,
06:08replies an orderly,
06:09almost certainly not educated enough to follow politics.
06:12In the corner of the room,
06:14Rock Around the Clock by Bill Haley
06:16blasts quietly from the radio.
06:18You see, this wasn't now, this was then.
06:20The present tense used in the previous passage
06:22is just a literary device,
06:24so that the next bit comes as a total surprise.
06:27The scene is actually unfurling in 1955.
06:31The hospital, the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Kings Lynn.
06:34The sweaty woman, Mrs. Dorothy Partridge, my mother.
06:37And the child's head, slithering from her legs.
06:39It belongs to me.
06:41The child was I, Partridge.
06:44You've done it! Brilliant pushing, says the midwife.
06:47She holds the newborn baby aloft,
06:49like a captain lifting a fleshy World Cup.
06:51And then the child throws back its head
06:53and roars the roar of freedom.
06:55The noise is relatively nonsensical,
06:57but no less intelligent than most babies would produce.
07:00In fact, probably a bit more switched on than average.
07:03In many ways, the proud wail that burst forth from my lungs
07:07was my first broadcast,
07:09delivered to an audience of no more than eight.
07:11That's still equated to an audience share,
07:13in the delivery room at least, of a cool 100%.
07:16Not bad, I probably thought.
07:18Not bad at all.
07:20So would you describe yourself as a book enthusiast?
07:24Yeah, I'm a bibliophile.
07:26My house is brimming with books.
07:28I've got books in the garage.
07:32You know, I got into excess of 100 books in two cardboard boxes.
07:37One box was for a microwave, the other was...
07:41I don't know, I can't remember.
07:42Just...
07:43You know.
07:45Yeah.
07:46But definitely in excess of 100.
07:48And what would...
07:49Sorry, I'm a bit nervous.
07:51That's OK, have some water.
07:52Crisps.
07:53That was what the box...
07:55I brought before Christmas.
07:56Christmas.
07:57I love wordplay.
07:59You sound really, you know, quite the collector.
08:02Yeah, people do often, you know, come to my house
08:04and they see all the books and say,
08:06Ooh, who's the reader?
08:07And I would buy, I am.
08:09I know the feeling though, Alan.
08:11So many books, but just so little space.
08:14I know.
08:15And a lot of them will never read, Martin.
08:16Cris.
08:17I know.
08:18We...
08:19I mean, Richard Hammond's autobiography, for example,
08:21which I bought from a car boot sale as a favour to him.
08:24Came out of the boot of a car,
08:26much like he did at high speed.
08:28Are you someone who finds it hard to throw books away?
08:31You hear of these idiots, you know, that burn books.
08:35But the only book I've ever burned is the Kama Sutra.
08:39Yeah, I mean, I had to browse,
08:41but I thought the women in it were just a bit too slotty.
08:45Right.
08:46I can suddenly tell you're an avid reader.
08:48Yeah, oh, yeah.
08:49I mean, I'll read anywhere, Richard.
08:51I'll read on the sofa, in the bed, in the bath.
08:54In the shower?
08:55No, come on.
08:56The only thing I do in the shower is just wash my body and my hair.
08:59And what about the little man through the toilet?
09:01Well, yeah, you know, we all read on the loo.
09:03I mean, I tend to read short recipes from a cookery book,
09:07so I can plan what's going to be the cause of my next visit.
09:13That's twer.
09:15I'm sorry.
09:16And holidays, are you a big holiday reader?
09:19Yeah.
09:20Oh, yeah.
09:21I'll take numerous novels with me and non-fiction.
09:26Fill a bit with luggage, basically as many books as I can get on the back seat
09:30and the front passenger seat and then just head north.
09:34I don't know what to say.
09:35Still, it's there to say you're...
09:37Dale's.
09:38Brother of friends.
09:40Oh, oh, oh, oh, open it, stuttered my mother nervously.
10:02Yes, open it, said Dad, frightened.
10:06Cool it, cats, I breezed.
10:08This was the 70s.
10:10In my hand was a golden envelope
10:11containing the most important pieces of paper I'd ever clutched.
10:15My A-level results.
10:17What does it say?
10:20My parents whispered in absolute unison.
10:23I opened it as gingerly as a rookie bomb disposal operative
10:26would open a fat letter bomb in a crash.
10:28In a funny sort of way,
10:29the contents were just as explosive as powder-coated acetone peroxide.
10:33They spelt the difference between me attending tertiary education
10:36and being consigned to a heap marked don't have A-levels.
10:41And that was a mound of slag I did not want to be on.
10:45Like the bomb disposal man mentioned above,
10:47I swallowed hard and began to remove the letter within the lope.
10:50A single bead of sweat sprinted down my face,
10:53skirting around my temple and pausing at the jaw before throwing itself to its death.
10:57Bad news, I muttered.
11:02Your son has failed.
11:05At failing his exams,
11:08they were confused momentarily by the clever double negative,
11:11so I added,
11:11The it's bad news,
11:14ha-ha, no,
11:15actually it's good news technique
11:16is one I've always enjoyed.
11:18It was really mastered by David Coleman in A Question of Sport
11:21when he tonally suggests Bill Bowman had got an answer wrong,
11:25only to reveal at the end of the sentence that he got it right.
11:28My parents were elated.
11:31My mum patted me
11:32and dad joined in one of the first high fives that knowledge has ever seen.
11:35I passed!
11:36I kept saying,
11:37I passed them both.
11:38The exact grading isn't important.
11:42Suffice to say,
11:42I was the proud owner of two shiny A-levels
11:45and nobody could take them away from me.
11:49Would you say you've come to books quite late in your life, Alan?
11:52No, that's wrong.
11:54I've been reading avidly since the age of a half.
11:59Of course, they were very rudimentary books.
12:02Some didn't even contain words.
12:03They were merely squeaked when you squeezed them,
12:06but they were certainly books nonetheless.
12:08In those books,
12:10my task might have been to identify and reproduce
12:12the sound emitted by farmyard or domestic animals,
12:16e.g. cat,
12:19which would be...
12:20Meow.
12:22Yeah, but higher.
12:23Meow.
12:24Yeah, great.
12:25And how do you consume books on good old-fashioned paper
12:28or on an electronic device?
12:31Oh, paper.
12:32Oh, paper.
12:33Paper.
12:33There's something about the smell of a book, isn't there?
12:35You must have the feel.
12:36The smell of the aroma.
12:37The aroma.
12:38Same as smell, that's the same as smell.
12:40But, yeah, the feeling when you sort of stroke your palm across the page,
12:44the sensation of turning the page using a wet, licked finger.
12:47Oh, it's totally inspiring.
12:48I spent a lot of time in the British Library...
12:51Right.
12:51...when I was researching my novel, Boy of Hope.
12:54Oh, yes, you sent that to me.
12:55Yes, I did.
12:56Did you ever read it?
12:57Oh, terrible title.
12:58Well, actually, funny enough, the title,
12:59the choice of the title wasn't actually my own,
13:01and so it's one of those things in publishing that I'm sure you're aware of.
13:05But the whole book is about the Crimean War,
13:07and many people don't know that children were used in vast numbers
13:10to relay messages between central command and the front line
13:14but suffered appalling treatment.
13:16It really is harrowing.
13:18His central character is an 11-year-old messenger boy
13:20named Thomas Wollingford.
13:22Now, he is the Boy of Hope, hence the title.
13:25And he got through the whole conflict
13:27only to be arrested for stealing carrots
13:30and was ultimately hanged, judging.
13:40I think the best thing about old books is the smell.
13:45There's nothing quite like going up to the bookshelf
13:47and with your nose just beneath the spine of an old book
13:51and just breathing deeply.
13:53That familiar musty lungful, as it were.
13:56Yes, you'd be careful.
13:57I once breathed something that's blocked my windpipe for a second.
14:00I panicked, quickly gave myself the handwritten over
14:03and coughed up an old dead bee.
14:05But I love books, not old books.
14:07A lot of people say technology and books don't mix.
14:10That's true, with the exception, of course,
14:12of the bookmark with a mini torch on it.
14:14But these e-readers, they all have internet browsers
14:17as if you need to surf the internet while reading.
14:19Well, you can't physically do that with a book,
14:22which means, you know, you can enjoy a good novel
14:24free from the nagging distraction of, you know,
14:28hardcore online pornography, which is great for me
14:32to know that when I'm reading a book,
14:34I know, like, House of the Spirits by...
14:36Isabel Allende.
14:38Isabel Allende.
14:39Allende.
14:40Allende.
14:40I simply cannot access images of an explicit sexual nature,
14:47you know, however tempting or necessary that may be.
14:49Right.
14:50Time for another extract from I, Partridge.
14:53It's 1974, and Alan is about to begin studying for a degree.
15:00Yep, 1974 was a crazy, hazy time for Alan Partridge.
15:04The 60s had come to East Anglia,
15:06and it was a time of free thinking, free love,
15:08and, in my case, free university accommodation.
15:11I was quite the man about town in Norwich,
15:14striding confidently through the dreaming spires
15:16and hallowed halls of East Anglia Polytechnic.
15:19Enigmatically, I'd decided to stay
15:21not in the woodworm-infested squalor of university halls,
15:24but to commute in from my home, my parents' home.
15:27Of course, it meant that I was something of a mystery man on campus.
15:30While my fellow students lived in each other's pockets
15:32and played out their debauched lifestyles for all to see,
15:36I was far less well known.
15:37I'd be glimpsed at the back of lecture halls,
15:39ghosting through the student union with a glass of cider,
15:42or shushing idiots in the library.
15:44And then I'd be gone.
15:46All this added to my aura,
15:48as did my idiosyncratic dress sense.
15:51Thick-knit zip-up cardigans,
15:52flared brown corduroys,
15:54and shiny black pepper-pot brogues
15:56set me apart from the long-haired layabouts
15:58who bore an uncanny resemblance to the Guildford Four
16:00and some of the Birmingham Six.
16:02Irish long-haired layabouts,
16:04wrongfully convicted of bombing England.
16:06It was a sexy time,
16:09and I enjoyed erotic and informative afternoons
16:11with a student whose essays I was writing.
16:13I'm happy to recall those eye-opening afternoons
16:16with me and Jemima sitting bollock-naked on her bed,
16:20me exploring her body with my quivering hands,
16:22while she coquettishly feigned indifference
16:24by reading album sleeves or smoking.
16:27Young I may have been,
16:29but I was confident enough to speak my mind.
16:31This strutting young,
16:32cock-certain Alan,
16:34would often dish out compliments
16:35as he perused and felt her body.
16:37You're a really busty woman, Jem,
16:39I said once,
16:40one of the bustiest on campus.
16:43Thanks, she said through her cigarette.
16:44You've got quite a long torso,
16:46but your legs aren't in the least bit thick.
16:48Believe me,
16:48if I didn't have lectures,
16:50I'd love to kiss you from top to bottom
16:52and from side to side,
16:54also diagonally,
16:55things like that.
16:57Alan, let's turn back to literature now.
16:59Do you fear the dumbing down of books?
17:02Not really.
17:03If I see a young woman
17:04sitting on a grassy knoll,
17:07you know,
17:08or on a park bench,
17:09reading Shopaholic Ties the Knot,
17:11I don't think that's a terrible book
17:13or a shit book.
17:14I just,
17:14I'm just pleased that she's reading.
17:17The good thing about that book,
17:18of course,
17:18is that the title fully explains the plot
17:21so that if you don't want to,
17:23you don't have to read it.
17:24So you could save a lot of time
17:25if, for example,
17:26you know,
17:27the Da Vinci Code
17:28was called
17:28Church Puzzle Collection.
17:30True.
17:31Or if they, you know,
17:32renamed Tom Clancy books,
17:35I don't know,
17:35Harrison Ford thinks
17:36the government are on his side,
17:37but actually they're not.
17:39Literally shorthand,
17:40if you will.
17:40Yeah.
17:41Of course,
17:41Dickens was wonderful, that.
17:42Oh, Dickens.
17:44Wonderful.
17:44Of course,
17:45he'd communicate complex characters
17:46by giving them such evocative names.
17:48Yes.
17:49Yeah.
17:50One thinks of Pip,
17:51Smyke,
17:52Mrs Cruncher.
17:52Mr Tickle.
17:58And that's the Mr Man.
17:59Mr Man.
17:59Now, Alan,
18:05this isn't your first book.
18:07You've previously published another book,
18:08Bouncing Back,
18:09which was pulped.
18:11Correct.
18:12You'll know about that.
18:14No,
18:14well,
18:14my book,
18:15Boy of Hope,
18:15was withdrawn,
18:16actually.
18:17Right.
18:17But does it bother you
18:18that Bouncing Back
18:19is no longer with us?
18:21No,
18:21I don't really think it's gone.
18:22It's like biscuits,
18:23you know,
18:23if you pulp a packet of biscuits,
18:25you haven't lost some biscuits,
18:27you've gained,
18:28you know,
18:28the base of a cheesecake.
18:30Right.
18:30Besides,
18:31Bouncing Back's,
18:32was going on to a very exciting new life,
18:34his recycled paper.
18:37One particularly unkind reviewer.
18:40We've all had them.
18:41We've all had them,
18:42so I know you have.
18:43But he said he wouldn't wipe his arse with it.
18:45Oh, right.
18:46His words,
18:46not mine.
18:47Well,
18:48if he buys his toilet roll at Tesco,
18:49he may well have done.
18:51So it doesn't bother you at all?
18:52No.
18:54Right.
18:55OK,
18:56well,
18:56let's have a question from the audience.
18:58The gentleman in the yellow jumper.
18:59Primrose Yellow.
19:00Primrose Yellow,
19:01indeed.
19:02I want to know what you think of the book,
19:03and if you're a critic,
19:04how would you rate it?
19:05That is a very good question.
19:07Alan,
19:07how are you going to answer that?
19:08A tricky one.
19:10Probably say,
19:11I,
19:12Partridge,
19:12left me astonished,
19:15elated and humbled.
19:16His is a faultless piece of work,
19:18one which hunts down,
19:20dismembers the real book
19:21before brilliantly reinventing
19:22the autobiography genre
19:24for the Skype generation.
19:26Candid and touching,
19:27right yet powerful,
19:28I, Partridge,
19:29is truly a book for our times,
19:32and around a tenor for 87,000 words.
19:34Partridge is no slouch
19:36in the value for money department either.
19:38Five stars out of five,
19:39something like that.
19:41Are you a twin?
19:43Yes.
19:44Right.
19:44With that man?
19:45Yeah.
19:46Why aren't you,
19:47why aren't you sitting with him?
19:48We came separately.
19:49Okay.
19:52It's just quite distracting,
19:53it's sort of far apart,
19:55that's all.
19:55If your parents were still around,
19:57Alan,
19:57what would they make of the book?
19:59Well, books were always very important
20:01to my mother as a child.
20:02She used to read me bedtime stories.
20:04I mean,
20:05when I was a child,
20:05not her.
20:06Sure.
20:06I wasn't born.
20:08No, she would read to me
20:09for about half an hour every night
20:10before hitting the stopwatch.
20:12That must have been
20:12really wonderful for you,
20:14very soothing.
20:15Well,
20:16she tried her best,
20:17but she struggled
20:18with the character's voices.
20:19I don't know why.
20:22I don't think it was because
20:23she was thick.
20:24What did she used to read to you,
20:26for example?
20:27Well,
20:27I remember a half-hearted attempt
20:29at Paddington Bear,
20:30which she made sound German.
20:34The same with Rupert the Bear.
20:35She basically Germanised
20:36any bear,
20:37which ruined it.
20:39But on the flip side,
20:40she did an outstanding noddy.
20:42What about your dad,
20:43your father?
20:44Would he have enjoyed the book?
20:45Well,
20:46Pop and I had a very
20:46difficult relationship,
20:47although I must say
20:48it's much better now
20:49that he's dead.
20:49Right.
20:51Was he a keen reader, Alan?
20:52Martin,
20:53he wasn't.
20:54It's Chris.
20:55The only book
20:55I ever saw him read
20:56was the history
20:58of the decline and fall
20:59of the Roman Empire.
21:00Edward,
21:01given a seminal work.
21:02Yeah.
21:03Yeah,
21:03except when I picked it up
21:05one day,
21:05I found that there was
21:06a different book
21:07under the dust jacket.
21:09And what was that?
21:10It was The Secret Seven
21:11by Blyton.
21:14But it was one
21:15of the few things
21:15that was redeeming
21:18about my father.
21:18In many ways,
21:19he could be a very cruel,
21:21messed up guy.
21:23But I loved the fact
21:24that he had this,
21:26you know,
21:26secret love
21:27of looking at books
21:28about children.
21:32You're not afraid
21:33to settle old scores
21:34in the book, Alan.
21:35Ah.
21:36You noticed.
21:38I did indeed.
21:39He said twirling his moustache.
21:40It's actually more distracting
21:41that they're now together.
21:43They're now together.
21:44Weirdly, bizarrely.
21:46Yeah, no,
21:47I was tempted
21:47to call the book
21:49Knee Jerk.
21:52But I thought
21:52it sounded like
21:53a Geordie saying
21:54not a joke.
21:56You know,
21:57Knee Jerk.
21:58Right.
21:59There's knee jerks,
22:01you know,
22:01but there are jokes
22:03in the book,
22:03you know,
22:03at other people's expense.
22:05Was it hard
22:05to get the book
22:06through the legal team?
22:07Were there any things
22:08that you had to
22:08take out?
22:10Yeah,
22:10some things.
22:12Martin Bashir's
22:14addiction,
22:16the incredible
22:17sweat problems
22:18faced by
22:19people.
22:21There's a whole
22:22Toxvig saga.
22:24Van Aal's addiction
22:25to fascism
22:26at the time
22:28Alison Stewart
22:29found
22:29two chicks
22:33with dicks.
22:35Right.
22:36And how did
22:37the people
22:37you mentioned
22:38react?
22:39Not everyone
22:40responded.
22:41There's a big
22:41chunk on
22:43Sally Gunnell.
22:44I didn't hear
22:44anything from here,
22:45but I never do.
22:47I'm beginning to think
22:48she's changed her number.
22:50Then again,
22:50when I do call her
22:51up from a payphone,
22:52she does pick up
22:53briefly.
22:54What?
22:54And anyone
22:58else in particular?
23:00Eamon Holmes
23:01sent me a JPEG
23:03of a mutilated
23:04squirrel.
23:04I saw that too,
23:05actually.
23:06But your big
23:07Eames is
23:08in a bad place.
23:09Yeah, he is.
23:10And your ex-wife
23:11Carol,
23:12what did she think
23:13of the whole story?
23:14I actually think
23:14the book gives
23:15a fair portrayal
23:16of our time together,
23:17not least the
23:18beautiful moments
23:19up Hell Valley
23:20when we conceived
23:20one of our children
23:21against a big rock.
23:23Time for another
23:25extract from
23:26I, Partridge.
23:27Alan explores
23:28the breakdown
23:28of his marriage.
23:30Truth be told,
23:32I knew it was
23:32probably curtains
23:33for being Carol
23:34in 1989
23:35when I asked her
23:36to act more demurely
23:37at a Radio Norwich
23:38summer roadshow.
23:39And she responded
23:40by downing her glass
23:41of wine and getting
23:42another one.
23:43You don't piss about
23:44with a guy's career
23:44like that.
23:46I first got wind
23:47of Carol's infidelity
23:48when she came home
23:49from the gym
23:49wearing a pair
23:50of black A6 cycling shorts
23:52after having gone out
23:53wearing blue Adidas ones.
23:55Also, the A6 pair
23:56were for men.
23:58Suddenly,
23:58things that had
23:59seemed innocent,
24:00the snazzy new hairdo,
24:01the packet of condoms
24:02in her glove box,
24:03reported tightens
24:04over in nightclubs
24:05with a man,
24:05started to collect
24:06in my craw.
24:07What was she up to?
24:09I began to keep a diary.
24:1230th of August, 1995.
24:14Carol smells
24:15of a new aftershave.
24:16Lom, I think.
24:17But I'm still using
24:18a giant bottle
24:19of Pagan Man.
24:20It was an X-Display
24:21model of a ferry.
24:2326th of October, 1995.
24:26Carol 40% less randy
24:28than this time last year.
24:30Menopause
24:30or sourcing sex
24:31from alternative supplier?
24:338th of December, 1995.
24:35Struggling to find
24:36a spare moment
24:36to confront Carol.
24:37She's always
24:38at the ruddy gym.
24:4021st of December, 1995.
24:42Had a long chat
24:42with Bill Oddie,
24:43an experienced birder.
24:45He lent me his binoculars
24:46and gave me some advice
24:47on how to remain still
24:48for long periods of time
24:49and go completely undetected
24:51in undergrowth
24:51and shrubbery.
24:5322nd of December, 1995.
24:56Told Carol
24:56I was off to the office,
24:58then set up a vantage point
24:59opposite the house,
25:00binoculared her,
25:01entering the premises
25:02with a man,
25:03then shutting
25:03the bedroom curtains.
25:04This French-smelling
25:06sex provider
25:06was Carol's fitness instructor.
25:09Far from being French,
25:10he was actually from Luton.
25:12His only Frenchness
25:12was his cowardly duplicitousness
25:14and the kissing
25:15he did with my wife.
25:17I was waiting for Carol
25:18when she got back
25:19from the gym
25:19that evening.
25:21She breezed into the kitchen
25:22as I sat at the kitchen table
25:23with a bottle of wine.
25:24I hadn't drunk from it
25:25or opened it.
25:26Drinking during the day
25:27makes me nauseous,
25:28but I think the effect worked.
25:30Been enjoying yourself,
25:31I said,
25:32but with loads of emphasis
25:32so that it was quite clear
25:33that enjoying
25:34might have a double meaning.
25:36Mm-hmm, she said,
25:37like she didn't have
25:38a bloody clue.
25:39Have a nice time
25:39at the gym,
25:40I said,
25:41making inverted commas
25:42around the word gym
25:43with my fingers.
25:44Yes, she said.
25:46Her knowledge of mind punctuation
25:48was pitiful.
25:48Have a good workout,
25:50I said,
25:50slotting my right forefinger
25:52in and out of a hole
25:53I'd made between the thumb
25:54and forefinger
25:54of my left hand.
25:56Yes, she said,
25:57not a flicker.
25:58Who doesn't understand
25:59the finger sex mine,
26:00for God's sake?
26:02I lost it.
26:03Throwing my empty wine glass,
26:05crashing to the floor,
26:06but it landed in the carpet
26:07of the hall in one piece.
26:08Careful, she said,
26:09suddenly irritated.
26:10You nearly broke that.
26:11What?
26:12Like you broke my heart.
26:14Silence.
26:15I was particularly pleased
26:16with that line
26:17because it's the sort of thing
26:18that I usually think of
26:19long, long afterwards
26:20and then admonish myself
26:21for not having come up
26:21with it at the time.
26:23I know, Carol.
26:25I know.
26:26But then she turned
26:29to face me
26:29and looked so sad
26:30that I started to cry
26:31on her behalf.
26:32She picked up the wine glass
26:33and handed it to me
26:34so I could have another go
26:35and this time it clattered
26:36onto the liner
26:37where the stem snapped.
26:38Still not the smithereen effect
26:40I wanted,
26:41but better than before.
26:42Thanks, I said.
26:43The doorbell went.
26:44Bill Oddie was there.
26:46I opened the door to him
26:46and was just saying,
26:47this isn't a good time, Bill,
26:49when he saw Carol.
26:50He could see I'd been crying
26:51and was clearly doing
26:52the mental maths.
26:54No one spoke for a while
26:55and then Carol gathered
26:56up her things,
26:56brushed past us
26:57and headed back
26:58to the micro.
26:59She turned on the ignition
27:00and a blast of
27:01the winner takes it all
27:02came through the speakers
27:03before she could switch it off.
27:05I began to cry
27:06and she looked at me
27:07through the windscreen
27:08and reversed very proficiently
27:09onto the road.
27:11We watched her go
27:12until she disappeared
27:12round the corner,
27:14at which point
27:15we stopped watching.
27:16I noticed Oddie
27:17was just standing there.
27:19Not a good time, Bill.
27:20Yeah, I know, he said.
27:22I just wanted
27:23my binoculars back.
27:25OK, so time
27:26for another question.
27:27Hello, sir.
27:28Yes, you in the front row.
27:29I really, really enjoyed
27:32the book, Alan.
27:33It made me cry.
27:35My son came in
27:37and I was crying
27:39and he said to me,
27:41Dad, why are you crying?
27:44I said, it's the book
27:45I'm reading.
27:46It's making me cry.
27:47So he said,
27:48stop reading the book then.
27:51And I said,
27:51just because it's making me cry
27:53doesn't mean it's a bad,
27:55bad thing.
27:55You know, you can still cry
27:57and be happy.
28:00Authors often tell us
28:02that their, thank you,
28:02state of mind
28:03shows a big role
28:04in how they write
28:05about the world.
28:06So how about you?
28:08Are you in a happy place,
28:09Alan, at the moment?
28:10I'm in a delighted place.
28:12I'm so happy
28:12that I sometimes
28:13wake up laughing
28:14because I'm doing so well.
28:16My career's strong.
28:18I've got a good group
28:19of friends
28:20and crucially,
28:21I live in a large
28:22detached house.
28:23I mean, the other day
28:24I went into my double garage,
28:26stood there
28:26and thought,
28:27my garage is bigger
28:29than some people's
28:30entire flat.
28:31I wasn't bragging
28:31because I didn't say it
28:32out loud.
28:33And it's a fact,
28:34you know,
28:35it's just a,
28:35it's just a factual thought.
28:37Right.
28:37Okay, well,
28:38time for another question.
28:39Anyone in the audience?
28:41How do you?
28:42Anyone else?
28:44What about the chap
28:44with the hat on?
28:45The chap with the hat.
28:45Did you like the book?
28:46I've come with him.
28:48Right.
28:50Questions from you?
28:51Yeah.
28:51The guy who bullied you
28:52at school,
28:53he was,
28:53he was really,
28:54he was horrible,
28:55wasn't he?
28:56Yeah.
28:56Yeah,
28:56is that your question?
28:59No,
29:00it's,
29:00yeah,
29:01yeah,
29:01that's what it is.
29:03Yeah,
29:03he was,
29:04yeah,
29:04he wasn't,
29:04wasn't too nice,
29:05wasn't too keen on him.
29:06He was horrible.
29:07It's true.
29:09Okay,
29:09well,
29:09let's examine your,
29:10really horrible.
29:12Examine your writing process,
29:14Alan.
29:15There's an incredible level
29:16of detail in your book.
29:17Of course,
29:18most writers say
29:19that the research
29:20takes way longer
29:21than the writing.
29:22How do you feel about that?
29:23That's a very,
29:24that's a very good question.
29:27How do you decide
29:28which bits to include
29:29and which bits to omit,
29:31to leave out?
29:32Well,
29:32I began by mapping
29:33the major events of my life
29:34on a large whiteboard
29:35that I bought secondhand
29:37from a special needs school.
29:38Right.
29:39We've got a very good deal,
29:40actually,
29:40they gave me a discount
29:41because I said I'd come back
29:42and give a talk
29:43to the kids
29:43on the history of fire.
29:45And where do you like
29:46to do your writing?
29:47Roald Dahl famously wrote
29:48in a converted shed
29:49at the bottom of his garden,
29:50of course.
29:51I did think about that.
29:54That's much better,
29:55by the way.
29:56You know,
29:56I did think about that,
29:57but there's so much stuff
29:58piled up in my shed.
29:59If I tried to open my door,
30:00open my door,
30:00the blackened Decker,
30:01workmate will fall on me
30:03and it will kill me.
30:05I imagine that it must be
30:06hard to summon up
30:07the feelings you felt
30:08at the time
30:08when you're just,
30:09you know,
30:09there you are,
30:10Alan Potts,
30:10you're just sat there
30:11in your study.
30:12No, no, if I were to summon up
30:14anger, I will eat
30:16an entire bag of Skittles.
30:17And after a brief sugar high,
30:19I'll usually fall asleep
30:20with my forehead
30:21on the computer's trackpad.
30:23Later on,
30:24my assistant will come
30:25and rouse me,
30:26see the rectangular mark
30:27on my head and say,
30:28you've fallen asleep
30:29with your forehead
30:30on the trackpad again.
30:31I'll say yes,
30:32and then she'll,
30:34and then she'll
30:35just open a window.
30:36What?
30:40How many words
30:41would you write a day?
30:42Generally,
30:43I aim for 1,500 words a day,
30:45although I count long words
30:47as two.
30:48Oh, Frederick Forsyth
30:49does the same.
30:49Yes, that's right.
30:50Well, that's why
30:51he calls himself Frederick,
30:52instead of Fred,
30:52because straight away
30:53that's two words
30:54instead of one.
30:54And would you write
30:55for long stretches?
30:56How did it all work for you?
30:58I try to take a break
31:00every couple of hours.
31:00It's good to get
31:01the blood pumping.
31:02So I might do press-ups,
31:04shadow boxing,
31:05sometimes shadow judo,
31:08or if you like,
31:09shad-do.
31:11Well, that's the same
31:11as shadow.
31:13Anyway, I love wordplay.
31:15Do you make sure
31:15you eat regularly?
31:16When I was writing
31:17Boy of Hope,
31:17I used to eat carrots.
31:19Right, like the boy
31:20who was hanged?
31:20Yes.
31:21That where you got
31:22the idea from?
31:22No, that was historical facts
31:24from the British Library,
31:26et cetera.
31:26You didn't make it up?
31:28No, not at all.
31:29But moving on to you,
31:33what's your regime
31:33eating-wise?
31:34I keep boiled eggs
31:36in a bowl in a drawer.
31:37Do you?
31:37Yeah, for snacking.
31:39It's important to keep
31:40one eye on fibre content.
31:41Early on in the writing
31:42of the book,
31:43I got that badly wrong,
31:44and I spent four days
31:46without going.
31:47A whole time.
31:48My cleaner said
31:48I turned yellow.
31:51In the end,
31:52I was so desperate,
31:54I just knocked back
31:55two pints of milk
31:56and magnesium.
31:57And did that work?
31:59Oh, yeah.
32:00Christ, yeah.
32:02Be careful what you wish for.
32:03I mean, I passed out.
32:05Just thank God
32:06I was in a forest
32:07by a river.
32:09I burnt my clothes,
32:10waited till it was dark
32:12and then just ran home.
32:14Moving on to a question
32:15of literary style.
32:17At moments in the book
32:18you switch to the present tense.
32:20Yeah.
32:20And I just wondered
32:22why you decided to do that.
32:24Now, this is a technique
32:25I borrowed from Andy McNabb
32:27who was actually
32:27the first person
32:28ever to do it in a book.
32:30So instead of saying
32:31at midnight
32:32they started shooting at me,
32:34he'd say
32:35it's midnight,
32:36they're shooting at me.
32:37It makes the reader sit up
32:38and go,
32:38oh my God,
32:39is this happening now?
32:41Yeah.
32:42OK, well,
32:44let's join our book group now
32:45to see what they thought
32:47of this device.
32:48Over to you.
32:49Yeah, good, I thought.
32:52I wasn't quite sure,
32:53I didn't think it was
32:53all that helpful,
32:54the device.
32:56Having read the book, Alan.
32:57You haven't read the book?
32:58It's a bit rich
32:59to start criticising it
33:02if you haven't read it.
33:02I said having read the book.
33:04What?
33:04Having read the book.
33:06Oh, right.
33:08Carry on.
33:09I mean,
33:09the one thing that leaps out
33:10is this,
33:11this,
33:11well,
33:12your preoccupation
33:13with form
33:14in the sense
33:15that there's this
33:16constant tinkering
33:17with the author's voice.
33:20It sort of lurches
33:20between styles of,
33:22you know,
33:22tone and sentimentality
33:24and it's almost
33:26schizophrenic,
33:27if you like.
33:27Schizophrenic,
33:28right.
33:29I've been caught,
33:30I mean,
33:30what,
33:31like someone who dresses up
33:32as their mum
33:32and stabs people
33:33in the bathroom?
33:34No,
33:34no,
33:34schizophrenic in the sense
33:35that it's...
33:36I don't want to stab
33:37anyone to death.
33:38Well,
33:39well,
33:39I'd quite like to...
33:40stab you to death.
33:44Sorry,
33:44I take that back.
33:45Well,
33:45I think what he's asking,
33:46Alan,
33:46is have you put on
33:47an antic disposition?
33:49Is there a method
33:50to your madness?
33:51To be or not to be
33:52at the same plate.
33:53You know,
33:53you two should get together.
33:56You sound like
33:57Rosencrantz and Goldenstein,
33:58a couple of Danish Jews.
34:00Sorry,
34:00I take that back.
34:03You seem to pour
34:05a lot of yourself
34:06into the book.
34:08Would you say
34:08you're an emotional person?
34:10Sure,
34:10sure.
34:11I can cry
34:12for all sorts of reasons.
34:13Sadness,
34:15onions,
34:16racism,
34:16not blinking,
34:17mainly sadness
34:19and onions.
34:21OK,
34:21let's have a question.
34:24Yes,
34:24you.
34:25There's a lady over there.
34:26Who would you like
34:27to play you
34:27in a film?
34:28Oh,
34:29can't pretend
34:30I haven't thought
34:30about this.
34:31Damien Lewis,
34:32the ginger actor,
34:34or jackter.
34:35I love wordplay.
34:38Dyes hair,
34:39make him slightly
34:40less smug.
34:41That's me 10 years ago.
34:43Next question,
34:43please.
34:44Yes,
34:44please.
34:44So how did you celebrate
34:45when the book came out?
34:46Tempin bowling.
34:47Next question.
34:48Yes,
34:49sir.
34:49The title,
34:50I Partridge,
34:51has been called
34:51needlessly grandiose.
34:53Thank you very much.
34:54The lady's second row
34:56from the back.
34:56Yes.
34:57Are you planning
34:57on writing any more books?
34:59I am planning
35:01on penning a novel
35:02about the Titanic,
35:03which I'm hoping
35:04will be ready
35:04for the 110th anniversary
35:05of the disaster.
35:07It does feel like
35:08a story that's
35:08quite well-worn.
35:10Mine asks,
35:11what if?
35:12What if the ship
35:14hadn't crashed?
35:16In my version,
35:16someone's gone back
35:17in time
35:17and insisted
35:18that the boat
35:19be built
35:19with a double hull.
35:21So even if
35:22the iceberg
35:23penetrates the outer hull,
35:25the boat
35:25will still be afloat.
35:26But a double hull
35:28also means
35:29the cost of the boat
35:30would go up.
35:31What would that mean?
35:32Higher ticket prices.
35:33Therefore,
35:33fewer passengers
35:34and, of course,
35:35fewer fatalities.
35:36But surely,
35:37if it has a double hull,
35:38there'd be no fatalities
35:39anywhere.
35:39They get to New York
35:41in record time,
35:42but the captain
35:43is arrested
35:44for breaking
35:44the speed limit.
35:46And in court,
35:47the captain says,
35:47I know I was breaking
35:48the speed limit,
35:49but what if I'd gone slower
35:51and hit, say,
35:53an iceberg?
35:54Right.
35:55And he tells the authorities
35:56that he had a nightmare
35:57in Southampton.
35:59Which is where
35:59the boat left from.
36:00I know
36:00about the boat sinking.
36:03And that is what we know
36:04to have actually happened.
36:06But to him,
36:07it's a dream.
36:08It's rewriting history.
36:09It's about how we should
36:10take a more
36:10Epicurean approach to life.
36:12Yes.
36:13And, and,
36:15it's also about the UK
36:16government's attack
36:17on motorists
36:18through the willy-nilly
36:18use of speed cameras.
36:20So it's both Epicurean
36:21and anti-speed camera.
36:23Yes.
36:25Now, in our next extract
36:27from My Partridge,
36:28Alan realises that
36:29fame has a dark side.
36:32I've broken,
36:33I'm still on my glasses.
36:36This is an account
36:37of a real fight
36:38I had with a mad fan.
36:40Maxwell twists my arm
36:42and fixes me
36:43in a headlock.
36:44Clever,
36:44he knows that
36:45one wrong move
36:45from me
36:45and my head
36:46will be ripped
36:46clean off.
36:47I have to act fast.
36:49Quick as a flash,
36:50I elbow him in the nuts,
36:51nodding as I hear
36:52the satisfying thud
36:53of bone on gland.
36:55I've turned his testicles
36:56into a couple
36:57of bollock pancakes
36:58and it feels good.
37:00Would you like
37:00lemon juice with them,
37:01sir?
37:01I roar inside my head.
37:03No, Maxwell,
37:04Alan Parcheson
37:05ready to die.
37:06Not just yet.
37:07Despite the fact
37:07that my wife has left me
37:08and my kids
37:08rarely take my calls,
37:09I have a wife
37:10and kids to live for.
37:12At this point,
37:12he's still doubled up.
37:13I charge over
37:14and bang, bang,
37:15headbutt him twice
37:16in the back.
37:17He screeches
37:17like an alley cat.
37:18Looks like I've got
37:19the kidneys then,
37:20I roar,
37:20still inside my head.
37:21I quickly consider
37:22my next attack.
37:23Time for a bunch
37:24of fives,
37:24methinks.
37:25Looking around,
37:26I see Maxwell
37:26catching his breath.
37:27Then,
37:28like an animal
37:28rearing up
37:29on its hind legs,
37:30all like a human being
37:31standing up,
37:32he stands up.
37:33I send a command
37:34to my brain.
37:35Instantly,
37:35the fingers
37:36of my right hand
37:36start to curl inwards.
37:38Within seconds,
37:39a fist has been formed.
37:40I launch it directly
37:41at my assailant's eye.
37:43Delivery for Mr. Maxwell,
37:44I roar,
37:45this time remembering
37:45to say it out loud.
37:47Really,
37:47what is it?
37:48His furrowed bra
37:48seems to ask.
37:49A knuckle sandwich,
37:50my fist replies.
37:52Somehow,
37:53recovering from the force
37:53of the blow,
37:54Maxwell picks up a chair
37:55and swings it
37:55at my brain.
37:56I duck,
37:57thwarting him
37:57with the sheer speed
37:58of my knee bend.
37:59Now on my haunches,
38:00I have an idea.
38:01Tucked my head
38:02into my chest,
38:03I launch into
38:03a ferocious forward roll.
38:05It skittles
38:06the insane superfan
38:07in the blink of an eye.
38:08For several minutes,
38:09we thrash around
38:10on the floor
38:10like Tarzan
38:11and that crocodile.
38:12I'm Tarzan,
38:13he's the croc.
38:14If I'm honest,
38:14the rolling around
38:15does little
38:15to advance the fight
38:16and causes
38:17neither of us
38:17any injuries.
38:19We get back
38:19to our feet.
38:20Maxwell now has me
38:21by the throat.
38:22We both know
38:22we're entering
38:23the end game.
38:24He seems to think
38:25he's got me.
38:25I can see it
38:26on his ugly mug,
38:27but he's not counted
38:28on one thing.
38:29Pow!
38:29I floor him
38:30with a classic
38:31one-inch punch.
38:32Textbook stuff,
38:33a real gut buster.
38:35With Maxwell
38:35fighting for air,
38:36I see my chance
38:37and make haste
38:37for the exit.
38:38Before I can catch
38:39my car,
38:40he's giving chase.
38:41In his hand,
38:41some sort of weapon.
38:42I don't get a chance
38:43to look properly,
38:44but my hunch is
38:44that it's either a gun
38:45or the brush
38:46from a dustpan and brush.
38:48By now,
38:49Maxwell is almost upon us.
38:50I swivel on my heels
38:51and begin to sprint,
38:52leaping over a six-foot stile
38:53like it isn't there.
38:54I just manage to stagger
38:55to a public phone box.
38:57I call my assistant
38:58and tell her to
38:58A, collect my car,
38:59and B, deal with Maxwell
39:00personally.
39:02Hanging up,
39:02I slump against
39:03the side of the phone box
39:04and slide into a heap
39:05on the floor.
39:06The calling cards
39:07of a hundred local whores
39:08raining down me
39:10on top of me
39:10like big drops
39:11of prostitute rain.
39:13I begin to weep.
39:14I have cheated death.
39:16I am free.
39:17One of the people
39:18you acknowledge
39:19at the start of the book
39:20is Prince Charles.
39:22Why was that?
39:23Well, HRH
39:24is always someone
39:25I've felt great affinity with.
39:27I fully support his views
39:28and architecture,
39:28whatever they may be.
39:30And I love
39:31his dutchy originals
39:33vanilla ice cream.
39:34At first I thought
39:35it was too sweet.
39:36But I was wrong.
39:37It's not too sweet.
39:38Of course it's not too sweet.
39:39Why would he do that?
39:40A lot of recent autobiographies
39:42contain explicit portrayals
39:43of sexual encounters.
39:45Yours less so.
39:46What I wanted to know,
39:47Anna, is
39:47are you averse
39:48to writing about
39:49sexuality and sensuality?
39:51I'm not preoccupied
39:53with sexuality and sensuality,
39:54nor do I shy away
39:55from sexuality and sensuality.
39:56So do you explore
39:57sexuality and sensuality?
39:59Certain passages
39:59broach sexuality and sensuality,
40:01yes,
40:01but with women
40:03and that's all it is with.
40:04Well, you say that,
40:05but apart from the episode
40:06with Glenn Pond.
40:07Well, how's that
40:08to do with sexuality
40:09and sensuality?
40:10Well, you spent
40:10the night with him.
40:11That wasn't sexual.
40:12Was it sensual?
40:13I don't think so.
40:24But, you know,
40:24these days,
40:25if I see an attractive woman
40:27on a petrol station four-course,
40:29I'll think nothing
40:29of striding over,
40:31inviting her for coffee,
40:32and if she agrees,
40:33I'll park up by the cash machine
40:34until she's filled up,
40:36then I'll head
40:37to the nearest Starbucks
40:37and she'll trail me there.
40:39And women actually
40:40agree to this, do they?
40:41No, not generally,
40:42but, you know,
40:43when you're over 50,
40:43you have to accept
40:44a degree of humiliation.
40:47It's a numbers game,
40:48isn't it?
40:48If you run into a chicken shed
40:50with a truncheon
40:50and a bin bag,
40:51you're not going
40:51to get them all.
40:53Would you care to give us
40:54one final extract
40:55from your book?
41:01Alan Partridge,
41:02thank you very much indeed.
41:04And I'm afraid
41:05it's time to close
41:07Open Books
41:07for another week.
41:08Join us next week
41:09when our guest will be
41:10agricultural historian
41:11Andrew Beeston
41:12and there'll be
41:13another exciting opportunity
41:14for you to win
41:15£50 of book tokens
41:17in our 10-second review competition.
41:20Last week's prize
41:21was won by Giles Fisher
41:22in Holt
41:22for his review
41:23of Fifty Shades of Grey.
41:24He wrote,
41:25As addictive as drugs,
41:27this is a novel
41:27which will obsess you,
41:29possess you,
41:30distress you
41:31and undress you.
41:32An unworldly treat.
41:34I've been Chris Beale.
41:35Good night.
41:36and for you to go to
41:46the end of the book
41:54and see you nast
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22:22
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