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00:00You join us during the final stages of this truly titanic struggle
00:05between Dai Fat Belly Gut Bucket
00:08and the English champion Tommy Even Fatter Belly Belcher
00:15And it's all down now to this last leg
00:18and it's Fat Belly on the Occy
00:21Game on
00:23So it's Fat Belly to go first
00:28And it's a good start
00:29Double vodka
00:32Single paint
00:37Another double vodka
00:45100 milligrams
00:48100 milligrams
00:49That's a good start for Fat Belly
00:55Two doubles and a paint
00:57And that makes him fairly merry
00:59Now what can even Fat Belly do in reply to that
01:05Look at the concentration on his face
01:08And it's a double brandy
01:14And another double brandy
01:18Can he make it three doubles on his very first go
01:20He's done it
01:22That's
01:23140 milligrams
01:25140 milligrams
01:26140 milligrams
01:28I reckon that makes him
01:32Yes, he's inebriable
01:33So it's Fat Belly to go again
01:37And he's not the type to let this early setback upset him
01:40Fat Belly, you require three triple Bricardis
01:43So it's three triples
01:47And there's a triple Bricardis
01:50He's fighting back what a finalist is turning out to be
01:52Another triple Bricardis
01:56Can he make it three triple Bricardis and go into the lead with a score of
01:59Absolutely
02:02He did it in the semi-finals
02:04Can he do it again?
02:10And he's missed the table all together
02:12He's missed the table
02:14110 milligrams
02:20That's just 110
02:22What an unfortunate miss
02:23Still two triple Bricardis
02:25Mix him
02:27Now, let's see
02:30Not bad
02:31Fairly pissed
02:32Still a reasonable position
02:33At this stage of the game
02:35Now, what can even Fat Belly do about this?
02:37Still a deep concentration
02:38He knows he's in with a good chance after that mistake
02:40Why Fat Belly?
02:41Oh, that's a bad one
02:42A single pint at this stage
02:44Doesn't help him
02:45He really needs a triple gin with ice and lemon
02:50He's going to get
02:52Oh, no, he's got a brune ear
02:54His game has absolutely gone to pieces
02:57He's going to pull out all the stops now
03:01If he wants to win this title
03:02He's going for a triple scotch
03:05That'll help
03:05That'll keep him in the game
03:07And, oh, would you believe it
03:11It went in
03:11But it's come out again
03:13It's come out again
03:15It's all over
03:17He's going to talk to you
03:18But it's the first thing
03:18It's all over
04:19I'm a roller too, baby.
04:24I'm a roller too, baby.
04:25Oh, shut up.
04:26Oh, very good evening to you, and welcome to Question Time.
04:53And with me here tonight, I have a very distinguished panel.
04:57First of all, a man widely tipped by many to be a future Prime Minister of England, Lord Carrington.
05:04Good evening.
05:05Next to him, the Liberal MP for Land's End South, Rudolf B.
05:14And to my left, and indeed to everybody's left, the sylph-like figure of Francis Morel.
05:24Good evening.
05:25And lastly, a man who I'm told is very popular throughout the country, but I personally can't abide him, Clive Jenkins.
05:34Hello.
05:35Could we have the first question, please?
05:40In view of the fact that the Soviet Union has just launched 50,000 megatons of nuclear warheads against Britain.
05:46Yes, yes.
05:47Which will be arriving in approximately four and a half minutes.
05:51What are the panel's views on Britain's future as a world power?
05:56Yes, well, there we have it.
05:58A very topical question from Mrs. Johnson there.
06:0150,000 megatons are on their way, and we're all going to die very shortly.
06:07Lord Carrington.
06:08Well, leaving the Holocaust aside for a few minutes.
06:13I'm sorry, I'm afraid we can't do it.
06:16No, no, now let me finish.
06:17Now let me finish.
06:19As I've said before, you have to view this kind of thing in global terms.
06:24It would be very easy for me to sit here and blame a president, uh, president, uh, president, uh, for everything.
06:33And I'm sure that would give you something to talk about on your program.
06:37But, you know, Great Britain is not an island.
06:40Yes, well, I'm afraid it is, actually, Peter.
06:42And we have to weigh up the pros and cons and get them to balance.
06:47And I would say that on balance, the world is about to be devastated by nuclear, by nuclear, by nuclear.
06:57Holocaust?
06:58Holocaust, yeah.
06:59Holocaust, yeah.
06:59Earlier.
07:00Now, some people might think that's a bad thing.
07:04Others might quite like the idea.
07:05So, I don't know, don't come to me asking for a short answer to that one.
07:09Yes, well, I wish I never heard, in fact.
07:11But if we haven't got much time, I'd like to go over to Rudolf B.
07:15Now, Rudolf.
07:15Help!
07:16Help!
07:16We're all going to die!
07:18Yes, well, short and to the point, as usual.
07:21Francis Morell.
07:22Well, I'm amazed.
07:24I mean, we're sitting here talking about a nuclear holocaust, casually discussing the destruction of the entire planet and ignoring the major issue, which is the appalling record of this conservative government.
07:37And the real tragedy here is that three million people will die unemployed.
07:44And here, I would like to drone on about Tory economic policy insofar as it relates to everything else I've been saying.
07:51Thank you, Francis, relevant as ever.
07:54And now, Clive Jenkins, the holocaust.
07:57Robin, my member...
07:59Yes, thank you very much, Clive.
08:00Oh, I will have my say.
08:02Yes, if you must.
08:03At a moment like this, I wonder what Nye Bevan would have done.
08:08And I'm pretty sure he would have shot in his pants.
08:16The point is that while we are sitting here in this comfortable studio, the average trade unionist is down a coal mine.
08:25Yes, well, I don't know about you, Clive, but that's precisely where I'd like to be right now.
08:29Well, another question.
08:32Mrs. Benton from Cheltenham?
08:33Yes, if the panel only had 30 seconds left to live, who would the panel most like to have sexual intercourse with?
08:43Well, there we are, as I said.
08:45Time for a quick one, Francis.
08:56Don't need lovin', need psychiatric aid.
09:00Don't like lovin', just like gettin' laid.
09:03Go on singin', till I'm lost.
09:07Am I sexist?
09:09Well, of course.
09:11I'm 42, my girlfriend's eight.
09:13I do as I'm pleased.
09:14You've only gotta smell me to catch my disease.
09:18I'm a headbanger, headbanger, yeah.
09:21I like to bang my head.
09:23I'm a headbanger, and when I break my head, I bang my girl instead.
09:30I've got barucas on my tongue, and I grow mushrooms up my bum.
09:39See this swelling in my pants?
09:43Well, that's a nest of killer ants.
09:46I eat raw meat.
09:48I like things weird.
09:49I've got three big maps and a dildo in my beard.
09:53I'm a headbanger, headbanger, yeah.
09:56I like to bang my head.
09:58And one day, when my head falls off, I'll bang my neck instead.
10:05I'm a headbanger, headbanger, yeah.
10:25I've got a motor here.
10:27Oh, it's you.
10:28I thought it was Barry Manilow.
10:29Why don't you grow up, you little bastards?
10:37What's going on, darling?
10:40Nothing.
10:40I'm just talking to the plants.
10:45You know how you feel.
10:50Just one more.
10:51Hi, Eric.
10:52Just one more job.
10:54Look, I'm straight now.
10:56All that's behind me.
10:57I've got to think that my family...
10:59I'd be so ashamed if it's just one more job, Harry.
11:03You don't have to get involved.
11:05Nobody will recognise you.
11:07Just look upon it as helping out old friends, eh?
11:11All you've got to do is drive.
11:22Vote Huddart, your conservative candidate.
11:25Vote Huddart, your conservative candidate.
11:27Vote Huddart, your conservative candidate.
11:28Any policy on pay is meaningless, unless it's part of a much wider approach.
11:44It must be taken together with restraint on government spending, restraint on government borrowers.
11:51Our right honourable leader.
11:53Our right honourable leader and Dennis.
11:58My lords, ladies, fellow party workers.
12:01I am a golfer.
12:05But I'm also a conservative.
12:13And the conservatives are back in power.
12:17What a wonderful word.
12:19But with a new initiative and, above all, a new style.
12:24And we are mostly concerned with two main issues.
12:29Firstly, immigration.
12:31Now, people really do get this party wrong every time on this issue, don't they?
12:35We don't think immigrants are animals, for God's sake.
12:40I know a lot of immigrants personally, and they're perfectly nice people.
12:46They're black, of course, which is a shame.
12:49But, honestly, some of them can do some jobs almost as well as white people.
12:56And we acknowledge this.
12:58Now, a lot of immigrants are Indians and Pakistanis, for instance.
13:02And I like curry.
13:06I do.
13:06But, now that we've got the recipe,
13:11is there really any need for them to stay?
13:18Conservatives understand these problems, you see.
13:22Like we understand young criminals, another very emotive issue.
13:28This party feels that we've been just a little too soft on these bastards.
13:39Mr. Whitelaw has spoken of the short, sharp shock treatment.
13:46And his introduction of the 24,000-volt electric chair
13:51to two home office detention centres begins next week.
13:56On a purely experimental basis, of course.
14:00If it doesn't work, then, of course, we will be more than prepared
14:05to revert to the old, liberal, wishy-washy, socialist, nigger-loving,
14:11red, left-wing, homosexual, commie ways of the recent past.
14:16But, please, let's have a chance.
14:20It may be a tough road, we know.
14:23But don't forget, it is easier for a rich man
14:28to pass through the eye of a needle
14:30than it is for a camel to...
14:33Than it is for a camel to...
14:42Want a couple of tickets for the Osman's concert tonight?
14:52Osman's concert, no.
14:54Best seats, no rubbish.
14:56Front stalls.
14:57How much?
14:58Five or eight.
14:59Four.
15:01Two front stalls.
15:03Five and five and five.
15:06Oh, my God.
15:36I can't feel my legs.
15:54Yes, I'm sorry.
15:56We had to amputate your arms.
15:57Yes.
16:02Los Angeles.
16:03And hope is fading tonight for the 18 sailors trapped in Brit Eklund's bedroom.
16:08Oh, my God.
16:38Some outstanding cases being those with dolphins and with owls.
16:44But in the forefront of this field is Professor Timothy Fielding and his experiments with
16:50a gorilla called Gerald.
16:54Professor, can Gerald really speak as we would understand it?
16:58Oh, yes, yes, yes.
16:59I mean, he can speak a few actual words.
17:01Of course, it was extremely difficult to get him even to this stage.
17:03Um, when I first, uh, when I first captured Gerald in the Congo, I'm 67, I think it was.
17:11I...
17:1168.
17:1568.
17:15Um, there was an awful lot of work to do.
17:18He was enormously slow and difficult.
17:20I had to do a lot of work with him on a sort of one-to-one basis.
17:22If I might just butt in at this point, Tim, I think I should point out that I have done
17:27a considerable amount of work on this project myself, and if I may say so, your teaching
17:31methods do leave a bit to be desired.
17:34Some of it is a bit ungrateful, isn't it?
17:35And your addiction, for instance, is not really...
17:37I'm sorry, I'm sorry, can I put this into some sort of perspective?
17:39When I caught Gerald in 68, he was completely wild.
17:44Wild?
17:45I was absolutely livid.
17:46I've never got to do it.
17:48I've been such a twat in my life.
17:51Well, clearly, all that's changed now.
17:53Yes.
17:54Because, of course, you've been brought up in the professor's own house.
17:56Yes, he's livid with me, yes.
17:58Though not in the biblical sense.
18:03Yes, I was going to ask you, actually, Gerald, do you have a mate?
18:07Yeah, I've got lots of mates.
18:08Yes, there's the professor, there's his son, Toby, there's Raymond next door.
18:14Well, no, actually...
18:15Oh, I see.
18:16Oh, I see what you mean.
18:17Crumpet.
18:18Crumpet.
18:19Well, you didn't tell me you were friendly with Raymond.
18:24Well, do I have to tell you everything?
18:26To come back to my earlier question, how has Gerald reacted to being separated from his family?
18:31Well, to begin with, Gerald did make various attempts to contact his old flange of gorillas.
18:36It's a whoop, Professor, a whoop of gorillas.
18:38It's a flange of baboons.
18:40He sent them the occasional letter, but I couldn't really see the point.
18:43I mean, they either ate them or wiped their bottoms on them.
18:45I mean...
18:45Look, I know you've never got on with my mother.
18:49Well, she didn't exactly like me, did she?
18:50She got on perfectly well with David Attenborough.
18:54David Attenborough!
18:54All I ever hear is David bloody Attenborough!
18:56Let him, Dave, out of it, Sidney.
18:58Oh, shut up and have a banana.
18:59All right, I know.
19:00If I could interrupt for a minute.
19:03Gerald, I believe you've been earning some money doing TV commercials and so on.
19:06What do you spend your earnings on?
19:09Um, well, I...
19:11I suppose you'd expect me to say that I spend most of my money on peanuts, bananas and carpet cleaner.
19:19No, not at all.
19:20Yeah, well, I do spend about 95% of it on those items.
19:24But the rest goes on little luxuries.
19:26I, um, I'm very keen on Johnny Mathis.
19:29Well, you're not kidding, are you?
19:31When a child is born, blaring out till all hours when I'm downstairs trying to do some work.
19:35Look, the production on that album is amazing.
19:37It's my serious scientific project and you behave like an absolute child.
19:39I went to evening classes for three years.
19:40Oh, shut up about your bloody evening classes, Gerald.
19:43As Aristotle once said...
19:45You arrogant little bastard, you're wrecking my life's work.
19:54Trampling around the garden, eating the daffodils.
19:57I do not eat daffodils.
19:58Well, somebody does, don't they?
19:59Well, perhaps we could leave it there, Gerald.
20:01Professor, thank you very much indeed.
20:03He bloody does eat daffodils, you know.
20:09I like bouncing, boing, boing, boing.
20:18Up and down until I get a pain in me groin.
20:22Words will be happy and when it really counts.
20:24Turn into a rubber ball and bounce, bounce, bounce.
20:27Bouncing down the club with this bird named Dennis.
20:37I said to her in passing, I was pretty good at tennis.
20:40She looked me up and down and said,
20:41It doesn't need a bouncing.
20:43Judging by the way your balls are bouncing.
20:46I'm bouncing, boing, boing.
20:49Up and down until I get a pain in me groin.
20:52Try to be happy and when it really counts.
20:55Turning to a rubber ball and bounce, bounce, bounce.
21:04I'll get up in the morning and I'll bounce around the bed.
21:07If me mum comes in to wake me up, I'll bounce on her instead.
21:10When I'm in the bathroom, I'll bounce around the bar.
21:13But you'll want to try to shit and bounce.
21:15That's really quiet enough.
21:16I'm bouncing, I'm bouncing, I'm bouncing, I'm bouncing, I'm bouncing, I'm bouncing.
21:19I'm bouncing, I'm bouncing, I'm bouncing, I'm bouncing, I'm bouncing, I'm bouncing, I'm bouncing, I'm bouncing, I'm bouncing, I'm bouncing, I'm helping.
21:21Who made a main voice?
21:22If I'm shopping, I can be happy and when it really counts.
21:25Interesting doll1Boss ball and bounce, bounce, bounce.
21:28Aye!
21:41Oh!
21:43Oh!
21:43Oh, oh!
21:44Oh!
21:45Oh!
21:46Oh!
21:46Oh!
21:47Oh!
21:49Oh!
21:49Abu Ben Adhem, may his tribe increase, awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, and
22:14saw within the moonlight in his room, and to the presence in his room, he said,
22:30What writest thou? The vision raised its head.
22:33And with a look made of all sweet accord, answered,
22:37And is mine one, said Abu, nay not so, replied the angel, Abu spake more low, but cheerily still,
22:59and said, I pray thee then, the angel heard, and vanished. The next night, it came again with a great awakening light, and showed the names whom God of love had blessed, and lo,
23:21and lo, and lo, and lo.
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