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00:00You were employed to drive radioactive waste 100 miles each day for five days a week.
00:05Yeah, that's right, yeah.
00:06What precautions did your employer take to shield you from radioactivity?
00:10Uh, I don't know.
00:13Well, did you wear a protective suit?
00:15Oh, yeah. Right, like a white thing, like, you know, with, like, lead.
00:19Like, in it, all lead.
00:21I see. And where was the radioactive waste?
00:23Oh, it was in the back of the lorry, like, in a big lead box, like, all lead.
00:27And what about your cabin?
00:28Was there any...
00:30Oh, like, yeah, that was completely lying in lead.
00:32All lead.
00:34All like lead.
00:35I see. So you wore a lead-line suit, you sat in a lead-enclosed cabin,
00:39and the radioactive waste was in a lead box.
00:42Yeah, that's right.
00:43Well, I don't really see how you can claim for radioactive poisoning.
00:46I'm not. I'm claiming for lead poisoning.
00:48LAUGHTER
00:49Well, I don't really see how you can claim for future
00:59No, I don't really see how you can claim for future
01:17Oh, no!
01:20Oh, no!
01:26Come on!
01:27Come on!
01:28Come on, let's go!
01:31Yes!
01:37Back her out!
01:38Back her out!
01:41Back her out!
01:43Back her out!
01:45Back her out!
01:46Catch her out!
01:57Catch her in!
02:06Good evening. It's wonderful to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie?
02:10No, it's a bleeding pain in the arse, frankly,
02:12but in a packed programme tonight, you'll be reassured to know
02:14we'll be using exactly the same sort of material as we've used for the last 20 years.
02:18I shall be talking incredibly quickly, making spousens of thunerisms
02:21and dressing up in women's clothing.
02:23And I shan't be getting any laughs because he writes most of the scripts
02:26and makes sure I get all the crappy bits.
02:29Later in the show, I shall be implying through smutty innuendo
02:32that I have a very small part and I have an enormous penis.
02:36And all the way through the show, he shall frequently cry.
02:39Spectacles?
02:40By which he means testicles.
02:41Cobblers?
02:41By which he means testicles.
02:43Didgeridoos?
02:44By which he means penises.
02:45Watermelons?
02:46Breasts?
02:47Articles?
02:48Testicles again.
02:49Bristols?
02:49Breasts again.
02:50And bouncers.
02:51Breasts or testicles.
02:55This is because we are a family show and I will not allow smut into your home.
03:02We like birds, we're ornithologists, ornipornophologists.
03:07I've got a nice pair of finacanoculars, you can stick there on your tripod.
03:13We're marching up and down the floor.
03:14Squat, squat, squat.
03:16Cause the sodding choreographers are twat, twat, twat.
03:18And couldn't care a jot if we're military men or not.
03:21With a bum-tip.
03:22How's your father?
03:23Whoop!
03:24Huzzly, I don't know.
03:25All day just crawling through the grass.
03:27With thistles in me hair and bracken up the anus.
03:30I'm through two bits if I see a pair of tits.
03:33And I love to watch the sun go down.
03:36Over-giner, over-giner, over-tiner, mum.
03:41We're titting up and down on the willy-bum-bum.
03:44We're looking around with the cobbler's knoplers.
03:48Nippling along with the pain in the balkers.
03:50Fiddling about in the bun.
03:52Like this, I wear my scarf when the weather turns bitter.
03:56Everybody calls him the muffled titter.
03:59I like when the birds come a-picking at me nuts.
04:02Who is a bum-tip?
04:03How's your father?
04:04Sick of the dildo, I'm a raven maniac.
04:08Got half a dozen chicks in me bivouac.
04:11I love to see them squirm with delight
04:14when I'm giving them me little bit of worm-a-cat-noy.
04:19J.R. Therank and the titty-bum murals.
04:21Nippling away with the pain in the balkers.
04:22Spotty-botty wee-wee.
04:23Piddling about in the jimmy-ribble-canning-nicker orchestra.
04:26Nickers up and down to me, willy-bum-goolie.
04:28Knock us to the mammary, nympho-viva.
04:29Knack us in the Baltic, clappering away.
04:31So we knicker and we knack her and we knock her all day.
04:33Nickers up and down to me, willy-bum-goolie.
04:34Knock us to the mammary, nympho-viva.
04:36Knack us in the Baltic, clappering away.
04:37So we knicker and we knicker and we knock her and we knock her and we knock her and we knock her and we knock her and we knock her and we knock her and we knock her all day.
04:40And that is just the kind of bad language and above all endless references to parts of the body that are becoming by their ceaseless repetition knob in the media just part and parcel and pubes of everyday conversation.
04:54And that is why I insist that we must relief, massage the bad language out of television, rump.
05:00What you're saying is that without unknowing it, our Tickle My Nuts language is becoming...
05:04Inner thigh, yes.
05:09Dr. Bison, if I may turn over, I like it better that way to you.
05:15Well, I'm sorry, I just can't see what proof the Reverend Bartholomew has for this strange breast-fondling theory.
05:21Well, you just have to listen, you just have to listen, Dr. Stifled Moan-Vison.
05:26Did you realise that in the middle of that sentence, for instance, you said breast-fondling large nipple?
05:30I did not!
05:32Yes, yank on it, you did. That's my whole big thing point.
05:36People are swearing and uttering obscenities. Take me, take me without even knowing it.
05:42Oh, oh, oh, huge melons.
05:47You are, I'm afraid, imagining this pantyhose, Reverend.
05:51This is hardly surprising, coming as it does from a soft dunderbelly just above the private equipment minister of the church.
05:57I beg your pardon, wang. Now, let's be bull's-pizzle-frank about this.
06:02Well, I'm sorry, gentlemen, that's all the lipstick around the nipple we have time for.
06:07Wang!
06:08Wang!
06:09Great, huge, wobbly dangling.
06:11I was walking through the jungle just to go over the line.
06:16Oh, well, I heard a pecker on the land before it was a fight.
06:22Oh, well, I stood and listened and began to move my feet.
06:27Oh, well, I stood and listened and began to move my feet.
06:29It was a jungle, full of a drummer, doing an arc of the evening.
06:33It was a jungle, jungle, jungle, jungle, jungle.
06:35Excuse me.
06:41Yeah?
06:41I wonder if you could help me, please.
06:42I want to buy a gramophone.
06:44A what?
06:45A gramophone.
06:46A gramophone.
06:49A gramophone.
06:50I don't think we've got any gramophones here, Grandad.
06:55What's that?
06:55That's a three-hour automatic cut direct drive turntable, unless I'm very much mistaken.
07:02What's the difference between that and a gramophone?
07:04Well, about 30 years in a plastic cupboard, are you, Chief?
07:07Well, I'd like one of these, please.
07:10You sure?
07:10Yes, please.
07:11All right.
07:12This is going to be good.
07:14Right, well, as you can see, it's got all the speeds.
07:17It's got 33 and 45.
07:19Yes, what do I do with my old 78s?
07:23What do you say?
07:24Nothing, nothing.
07:26You say what about my old 78s, didn't you?
07:28No, no, I didn't, honestly, no.
07:30All right.
07:32So, you got your deck?
07:33Right.
07:33Do you want a Dolby with it?
07:35Uh, yes, please.
07:37You only get Dolbys with tape recorders, Chief, all right?
07:41Do you want an amp?
07:42Uh, no, I want an amp.
07:45You won't hear anything, Grandad, without an amp, am I right?
07:48Of course, yes, I want an amp.
07:49Yes, an amp.
07:50Yes, thanks.
07:50All right, what sort of output are you looking for?
07:53What sort have you got?
07:55Ah, no, no clues.
08:00About medium?
08:02How many watts, exactly?
08:05Oh, I should think about, um, about three.
08:07No, two, two thousand.
08:12Five hundred?
08:13Thirty?
08:14Thirty?
08:14Thirty.
08:15Thirty.
08:16So, you know all about it now, dear.
08:18You want a thirty-watt amp?
08:19A thirty-watt amp.
08:20Do you want speakers?
08:21Yes.
08:22Do you want rumble filters?
08:23Yes.
08:24Do you want a bag on your head?
08:25Yes.
08:27There we go.
08:27I want a bag on your head.
08:28So, you've got your dick, you've got your app, you've got your rumble filters, and, of course, you've got your bag on your head.
08:35Now, do you want woofers and tweeters?
08:36No, I don't want stupid things that woofers.
08:38Well, you've got it when you're one of my no, Grandad, they're in your speakers.
08:42You've been telling us you don't want slimline salad dressing.
08:44Yes, I do want slimline salad dressing.
08:47Come on, tell me.
08:55I live on the thwarty floor of a tower block, and when I get bored, I call Cooey to the passers-by.
09:03And when they look up, I go up in their eyes.
09:07Because I hate your guts.
09:09Come on, you.
09:10Kick you in the nuts.
09:12You're a stupid old kid.
09:15Come on, yeah.
09:16Because you're full of shit.
09:24I go up west every night, go down to the pub and look for a fire.
09:30I have ten loggers in, I have ten more, then I jump up and down, and I'm sick on the floor.
09:36Come on, yeah.
09:37Because your hands are cold.
09:39Come on, yeah.
09:40Because you're far too old.
09:42Come on, yeah.
09:43Because you're a stupid old straight.
09:45Go, go, go, go.
09:47Hey, hey, hey, hey.
09:48Good night.
09:57Tonight we tackle a difficult and controversial subject, soccer hooliganism.
10:02With me in the studio, I have Professor Duff of Cambridge University, author of Crowd Control Psychology,
10:08and Sally Barnes, community worker from the borough of Lambeth.
10:12Now, over the last few weeks, both of you have been looking into the problem of English soccer crowd violence.
10:19What conclusions have you drawn, Professor Duff?
10:21Well, my team and I have really concerned ourselves fundamentally with a statistical analysis of soccer violence as a whole,
10:28in tandem with and related to a psychochemical and, broadly speaking, a behavioural analysis of over a thousand individual soccer hooligans.
10:38And we've come to the inevitable conclusion that the one course of action that the authorities must take is to cut off their ghoulies.
10:45I'm sorry?
11:01Cut their ghoulies off.
11:04Ha.
11:05Yes.
11:06Well.
11:08Sally, I'm sure you'll have something to say about that point of view.
11:12Look, Jonathan, I know these kids.
11:14Um, I've worked in the areas we're talking about, round Lambeth, Lewisham.
11:20Um, I know their problems.
11:23I know their frustrations, lack of community facilities.
11:26I know their parents.
11:27And, in my opinion, Professor Duff's suggestion that we should cut off their ghoulies is the only solution.
11:34Absolutely.
11:34I mean, cut the ghoulies off.
11:36Cut them off.
11:36True.
11:37Well, there we have it.
11:38Whip off the ghoulies.
11:40Expert opinion seems to be in favour of, um, cutting off them.
11:44Right.
11:52Come in.
11:59The woman who's been a guinea pig for the new contraceptive sponge says it's no good, as she's now got a cake in the oven.
12:06Lord Lucan has been found
12:10Apparently he's been playing centre forward for Bristol City
12:13Time now for our regular Gob of the Month competition
12:17First, Peter Lloyd of Watford
12:19Gob A, Peter seems at first to be salivating quite normally
12:24And then, bang, an out of heart
12:26Gob B, a wonderful piece of sustained double mastication
12:33From Rob Hughes of Air United
12:34Forcing it back behind his teeth
12:36A quick lick of the lips and away we go
12:38Sells the crowd a dummy, still holding on to it
12:41Working it round with his tongue and pops it out
12:45A real groundsman's mind
12:47Gob C, Johnny Lance of Ipswich
12:50Who kept a wonderful piece of dribbling
12:51With this mouthful against Nottingham Forest
12:54And finally, Kilby of Doncaster
12:56Whose heavy bout of bronchitis finally paid off
12:59Magic, absolutely magic
13:02Well, that was an excerpt from the controversial and somewhat say scurrilous new British picture
13:19The General Synod's Life of Christ
13:22The film deals with the rise to fame and greatness of a humble carpenter's son named Jesus Christ
13:29But many people have seen in the film a thinly disguised and blasphemous attack on the life of Monty Python
13:38Python worshippers claim the film sets out to ridicule by parody the actual members of Monty Python
13:45Men who even today are worshipped and revered throughout the Western world
13:49Now, Alexander Walker, what did you think of the picture?
13:53Well, I was appalled
13:54I mean, I actually find it deeply offensive
13:57That in a country that is still ostensibly a Python worshipping country
14:01That a 14-year-old child can actually get in to see this film
14:05I mean, there is little enough proper Python around these days
14:08Without parading this distorted garbage about
14:11Bishop, you directed the film
14:13Did you expect this kind of reaction?
14:15Well, I certainly didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition
14:20Yes
14:24Yes, I did
14:26Yes, I did direct the film
14:28And I feel as though I must emphasise
14:30At this stage that it is not about Python
14:32Oh, come on
14:33I'm not a Pythonist
14:34I'm not a Pythonist myself
14:36But obviously I have a tremendous amount of respect for people like Alexander who are
14:40Oh, come now
14:41Now, come now, Bishop
14:42I mean, the leading figure in this film
14:43What is it?
14:44Jesus Christ
14:45Jesus Christ
14:45I mean, he's quite clearly
14:46Quite clearly a lampoon of the comic messiah himself
14:50Our Lord John Cleese
14:52I mean, well, come on
14:53I mean, even the initials JC are exactly the same
14:56No, look, I feel
14:57No, look
14:58I feel, I must explain
15:00I feel, I must explain to you
15:02The Christ figure is not Cleese
15:04Oh, come on
15:05No, he's just an ordinary man
15:06Who happens to have been born in Western Supermare at the same time as Mr. Cleese
15:12Jonathan, you know as well as I do
15:14And he is mistaken
15:14He is mistaken for the comic messiah himself
15:17I'm sorry
15:17By vast crowds of people who follow him about
15:19Doing silly walks
15:21You're underestimating your public
15:23Shouting, no, no, not the comfy chair
15:25And other slogans from the good box
15:28No, I'm, I'm sorry
15:30I'm sorry, Jonathan
15:31Whatever you say
15:31This film is a highly distasteful one
15:34I mean, have people forgotten how Monty Python suffered for us?
15:37I know
15:37How often the sketches failed?
15:40I mean, these men died for us
15:42Frequently
15:43I mean, if Python is immortal
15:46As Pythonists believe
15:47Then I can't believe that a mere film
15:50At 10th rate
15:50Could put them off
15:51I mean, in the words
15:52In the words of John Cleese
15:54Whenever two or three are gathered together in one place
15:57Then they shall perform the parrot sketch
15:59It is an ex
16:00It is an ex-parrot
16:02It has ceased to be
16:04Indeed
16:05Well, Alexander Walker
16:06The final scene of the picture
16:08Has attracted the most attention
16:09Right, well, I mean
16:10This, I mean
16:10Now, here
16:11I think we have the ultimate blasphemy
16:13I mean, it is
16:14It is set in a hotel
16:15In Torquay
16:17Literally hundreds of Spanish waiters
16:19Are being clipped about the ear
16:20By this Jesus Christ bloke
16:22It is obviously
16:24A lampoon of the
16:25Comic Messiah's greatest half hour
16:27It's not at all
16:28The point
16:28It's Torbay
16:29Thank you both very much
16:30In the future
16:31I mean, we're quibbling
16:32Alexander Walker, thank you very much
16:33Thank you
16:34Quiet, damn you
16:38Quiet
16:39Will you never be still
16:42Your devil
16:43It's more than
16:44Night
16:45Never ceasing
16:46Stop
16:47Stop
16:49Stop
17:19Great Old Chestnuts of the World
17:41Number 8
17:42The Swedish Chemist's Shop
17:45Good afternoon
17:48Can I help you, sir?
17:50Yes, I would like some deodorant, please
17:52Ball
17:54Or aerosol
17:56Neither
17:57I want it for my armpits
17:59Good evening
18:09Songs of Praise
18:11This Sunday
18:12Comes from our lovely old parish church
18:15Church of St. Stephen
18:16In the heart of the West Country
18:18And I welcome you all
18:20To our simple service
18:23You join a full congregation
18:26Of local people
18:28Who have come to worship tonight
18:31Indeed
18:34It makes quite a change
18:36To have so many here
18:38Because it wasn't quite the same story
18:43Last week
18:43Was it?
18:49Last week
18:50The congregation
18:51Numbered
18:52Seven
18:53Four of whom
18:55Had turned up a week early
18:57By mistake
18:58And the week before that
19:01Harvest Sunday
19:02There were three of us
19:04Myself
19:06The organist
19:07Mr. Poznor
19:08And a tin of spaghetti
19:11Where were you bastards then?
19:17Sitting on your fat agnostic arses
19:19In front of Holiday 82
19:20I think
19:21Watching the Reverend
19:22Cliff Mitchellmore
19:23Preaching on suntan availability
19:25In the old garb
19:26But not tonight, eh?
19:28Oh, no
19:29Not when there's a chance
19:30Of getting your fizzog
19:31On the goggle box
19:32And trot along
19:33In your nasty little suits
19:35And my God
19:36Didn't the hatchock
19:37Do well this week?
19:39You come swanning in here
19:40Sitting on pews
19:41That haven't seen your bum
19:42Or any bum
19:43In a month of Sundays
19:44You don't know whether
19:46To sit, kneel or stand
19:47You're up and down
19:48Like a whore's draw
19:49Christ was right, wasn't he?
19:54When two or three
19:55Are gathered together
19:56In my name
19:56The service can't be on television
19:58Oh, to hell with it
20:00We'll sing hymn number 387
20:03Good Christian men rejoice
20:05The Bieber back in town
20:07Rock, Jager, Fire, Snowhold, Triang
20:12Pendolin, Products, Potter and Sons
20:17Winklefield, Power Engineering
20:22Richards and Wellington
20:25Industry's room
20:27Easy cases
20:30Jewel tank foundry
20:33D.I. Heliwell, Car and Steel
20:38Lewis, Edwards, D.A.L.
20:42Build as much as
20:43Flyrun, Fibrit, Head and
20:45Puport Steel
20:48Daily Quill
20:49Daily Quill
20:50Daily Quill
20:52Pleaser, Lord of the Red
20:56We've called in
20:58Dozens of receivers
20:59Closed hundreds of factories
21:01And there are thousands more
21:03Teetering on the brink
21:04In waves
21:06Mr. Rumbly
21:08That's me
21:09I'm Claire Wimbush
21:10Oh, hello, that
21:11I'm from the Youth Opportunities Programme
21:13Well, sit down, sit down, sit down
21:15What can I do for you?
21:17Have a Rumbly's pie
21:18Thank you very much
21:20Mr. Rumbly, over the past 12 months
21:23We've sent you 117 unemployed school leavers
21:26And I'm here to see how they're getting along
21:29Oh
21:29Oh, what?
21:32Er, well, er, er, er, er, er, er, yes
21:36You see, Rumbly's pies and sausages are one of our most cooperative local employers
21:41And, er, I mean, you've never had any complaints from us?
21:44No, no
21:44No, well, you wouldn't have
21:46Not from the kids, least ways
21:49How are they getting along, Mr. Rumbly?
21:52I mean, are they getting plenty of on-the-job training, for example?
21:54Well, I'm using them mainly for filling in
21:56So, er, well, I must say, Mr. Rumbly
22:00You are the ideal employer
22:02And not a hint of racial prejudice
22:04No, no
22:06Bloody well hope not
22:07Care for a black pudding?
22:08Super duper, super duper
22:14Super duper, super duper
22:17One of us is ugly
22:27One of us is cute
22:29One of us you'd like to see in her birthday suit
22:32Two of us write music, two of us are awesome
22:36Sorry in translation, that line comes out wrong
22:39But still super duper, it's super duper
22:44That we're number one again
22:48Singing super duper duper
22:51Makes us super duper
22:52We believe that if you have three tunes in a song
23:01And the showbiz cliché, nothing kind of wrong
23:04The world is just a great big stage
23:08Each man plays his part
23:11In this concrete jungle
23:15That's even though my heart
23:17On the beaches, we go swimming in the dodo
23:22How I wish now and then that we could sing something rude
23:26Crest and bottom, tongue and inner thigh
23:29Leaving bellies combo from behind
23:33But still super duper
23:35It's more super duper than we would afford
23:41With this super duper duper
23:44Make it super duper short
23:47Super duper, super duper
23:53It's a super duper refrain
23:56So it's all time super duper
24:00To sing super duper again
24:02How old are you, son?
24:1517
24:16And the young lady
24:18Is she 16?
24:22Not yet
24:23In about 10 minutes
24:26I'm not a genius
24:28I'm not a genius
24:30I'm not a genius
24:31I'm not a genius
24:32I'm not a genius
24:33I'm not a genius
24:34I'm not a genius
24:35I'm not a genius
24:36I'm not a genius
24:37I'm not a genius
24:38I'm not a genius
24:39I'm not a genius
24:40I'm not a genius
24:41I'm not a genius
24:42I'm not a genius
24:43I'm not a genius
24:44I'm not a genius
24:45I'm not a genius
24:46I'm not a genius
24:47I'm not a genius
24:48I'm not a genius
24:49I'm not a genius
24:50I'm not a genius
24:51I'm not a genius
24:52I'm not a genius
24:53I'm not a genius
24:54I'm not a genius
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