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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Big and Bob's Big Night Act.
00:20Fact.
00:30Bolo's in his house, cooking up some pork, on his phone to the Pope, when his house went up in smoke.
00:51Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
01:02Wham!
01:03Bam!
01:04We are two men.
01:05Two men!
01:06Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
01:09Evening.
01:10It is so nice to be here in London, isn't it?
01:12Yeah, isn't it?
01:13Yeah, I went down to Piccadilly Circus to see the doctor there.
01:16Yeah?
01:17Yeah, he diagnosed me with hypochondra.
01:19I said, oh, not that as well!
01:24You know, I put so much petrol in my car last night, I couldn't get in it.
01:32I was driving down the M1 yesterday.
01:42Were you?
01:43Yeah, and I saw a new potato on the road.
01:46Yeah.
01:47Yeah.
01:48Yeah.
01:49Yeah.
01:50Well, it's new to me anyway.
01:52Yeah.
01:53It stinks.
01:54I'll just brush that one away, Vic.
01:59Well, it was new to me anyway.
02:01Yeah, get rid of that one.
02:02Yeah, that's gone.
02:03Sorry about that.
02:04Yeah, well, it was actually an old potato to me because I was driving behind you when you threw it out the window.
02:10And I'll brush that one away as well.
02:13That will get out.
02:14Get out.
02:15Get out and don't come back.
02:17I pour my cat out some milk this morning.
02:20I don't know how it got in there.
02:24Fly spray.
02:25Fly spray.
02:26Fly.
02:27Fly.
02:28Fly.
02:29Fly.
02:30Fly.
02:31Fly.
02:32Fly.
02:33Fly.
02:34Fly.
02:35Fly.
02:36Fly.
02:37Fly.
02:38Fly.
02:39Fly.
02:40Fly.
02:41Fly.
02:42Fly.
02:43Fly.
02:44Fly.
02:45Fly.
02:46Fly.
02:47Fly.
02:48Fly.
02:49Fly.
02:50Fly.
02:51Fly.
02:52Fly.
02:53Fly.
02:54Fly.
02:55Fly.
02:56Fly.
02:57Fly.
02:58Fly.
02:59My wife said to me this morning, would I make breakfast in bed?
03:02I said, I would much rather do it in the kitchen.
03:04kitchen
03:17How do you watch you do that
03:26See him amazing. Oh, hang on. Oh, you swallowed him
03:34Well, I've got it that's on the track
03:47In the community rural environment
03:50Betsy well at graffiti stairwell pop-up shops pick your phone
03:58We're hearing a more rural environment today jumping the fuck out of it
04:03Let's play one come on
04:10Why don't we have long thin buses so that you never have to sit next to a trolley?
04:15Hey, that's right
04:20My bedroom absolutely stinks. I really don't let nanny anywhere near it. It's all
04:26Check out our float for the community protest next week
04:29Community flow
04:31What are we gonna shout Keelan down with all the governments especially the ones abroad?
04:36Well, can you shout it like it's a protest all right then down all the government especially the ones that are abroad?
04:44Do you see what he's doing? He's throwing oppression out of the well of head, you know that we all know that
04:50De-dwells of hate
04:52There's a big difference between prawns and langoustine
04:56Drawing confusion
05:00All stockbrokers are cretins at least mine is the stupid bitch
05:07Cretton stockbrokers
05:09I once had it off in a spanish phone booth with a guy
05:17Telefono sexo
05:19How's it?
05:29Not good. It's amazing!
05:31It's amazing!
05:32It's amazing!
05:33It's amazing!
05:35This is the four pillars of oppression
05:37The government, parliament, the local council
05:40And the swimming bath
05:41And the swimming bath
05:42Come on, let's jump for Calvin
05:43Do a cow van!
05:48Ballard!
05:49Coffitie!
05:50Banche!
05:51Yeche!
05:52Yeah!
05:53Yeche!
06:08What you doing Vic?
06:09Writing a poem
06:10You know I like John Donne
06:11Writing a poem
06:14Can I hear you?
06:15No
06:16Oh, go on
06:17Let me hear you it
06:19It was really nice
06:21By the river
06:22There was some leaves
06:24And very little dog dirt
06:30It's really
06:32It's nice, isn't it?
06:33It's really nice poem
06:34So there was very little dog dirt
06:36There was a bit of dog dirt
06:38No, it's a good work
06:40I really like it
06:41Thank you
06:42Anyway Vic, would you
06:43What's transpiring here?
06:44Just check this look out for me
06:46Whoa!
06:47What do you think of the new rig?
06:48I like it a lot
06:49Do you really?
06:50Yeah, I do actually
06:51Can you tell what look it was I was actually going for?
06:54I don't know what to say
06:55I don't know what to say but
06:56Train driver
06:57Yes I know
06:58I don't want to touch me it
06:59Is it?
07:00Train driver, railway engineer
07:01Yeah, because you're going to the award ceremony tonight
07:03I am, yes
07:04And I'm on the LNER table
07:05Yeah, what's the awards for?
07:07What's the awards for?
07:08Yeah
07:09It's watering can of the year
07:11Yeah
07:12Yeah
07:13And you're on the LNER table
07:15I'll tell you what
07:16It's good
07:17You do look quite like a train driver
07:18But let me just add
07:20Finishing touches
07:21Finishing touches
07:22Now this is going to make you look properly like a train driver
07:26Thank you
07:27Just a touch there
07:28This is real hair
07:30Yeah, couple of eyebrows I think there
07:33In the new style like the ladies like to
07:36Just pop that on there
07:40That looks good
07:41You are so talented
07:42I know
07:43And finally
07:44Now
07:45That's a train driver
07:47You got it?
07:48You got it?
07:49Yeah
07:50Thank you
07:51Yeah
07:52Yeah
07:57All right
07:58Hello there
07:59Oh
08:00Hey
08:01Have you got a train ticket to Scarborough?
08:02One way
08:03It works
08:04It works
08:05See?
08:06Yeah
08:07I'm not a train driver
08:08It's just me
08:09What are you doing anyway?
08:10Making jokes up
08:11Having a daft laugh and that
08:12Messing about
08:13Yeah
08:14Something like that
08:15Yeah
08:16Pretty much like that
08:17Yeah
08:18Is this one of your big jokes?
08:19That's our main joke
08:20Yeah
08:21Are you busting it?
08:22Are you knocking it now?
08:23Come on man
08:24It was only supposed to come up once
08:26You've ruined it now haven't you?
08:28Ha ha
08:30What are we going to do now?
08:31That was our main joke
08:36Go on clear off
08:37I tell you what
08:38Here have a toffee
08:41Come on
08:42Have you got nothing for me like?
08:45No
08:54What are we going to do now?
08:55The main joke's gone
08:56The main joke's gone
08:57Yeah
09:00I mean we
09:01Maybe you know
09:02We could just hope
09:03It's back
09:07Yes
09:08Yes
09:09Yes
09:10Ha ha ha ha ha ha
09:12Ha ha ha ha
09:13We've got a show
09:16I love it
09:17Yeah
09:18Ha ha ha ha
09:27Heyo
09:28Who's in there then?
09:29It's me
09:3020 star billionaire industrialist
09:32You know Iron Man
09:33You alright bats
09:34Aye alright
09:35Anyway listen
09:36My milkman told me
09:38He's a rumpy pumpy
09:39With every woman
09:40On our round
09:41Bar one
09:42Dirty bastard
09:43Yeah you know
09:44Well I told her wife
09:45She said
09:46I bet it's that bog eyed lass
09:47You know
09:48At number 45
09:49Aye
09:50Oh
09:51So that means
09:52That it's your wife
09:53That's
09:54No
09:55No
09:56It's just a joke
09:57Man
09:58Oh
09:59Oh
10:00Oh
10:01Oh
10:02Whoa
10:03That's shifted it
10:04Whoa
10:05It sounded like a block of pig eye
10:06And a sort of
10:07Well looking at it
10:08Now you're not far off
10:09It's a fucking ingot
10:10Anyway thanks bats
10:11Oh
10:12Always a
10:13Yeah
10:14Yeah
10:15Yeah
10:16Yeah
10:17Yeah
10:18Yeah
10:19Yeah
10:20Yeah
10:21Yeah
10:22Yeah
10:23Yeah
10:24Yeah
10:25Yeah
10:26Yeah
10:27Yeah
10:28Yeah
10:29Yeah
10:30He looks good at anything
10:31But he likes to look at everything he sees
10:34With those over my shoulder
10:36Come on over blue eyes
10:39Hey
10:40What did I just say
10:42He never listens to me anyway
10:45So why do I even waste my breath and try
10:49Then he takes me in his arms
10:51Then he takes me in his arms
10:54While winking at the waitress
10:56And I call the alarms
10:59More trouble than he's worth
11:01More trouble than he's worth
11:02More trouble than he's worth
11:04More trouble than he's worth
11:06More trouble than he's worth
11:09And he reconciled the difference
11:11Is it either we can make it worth
11:14He's just
11:15More trouble than he's worth
11:18He's just
11:19More trouble than he's worth
11:20More trouble than he's worth
11:44More trouble than he's worth
11:48More trouble than he's worth
11:53More trouble than he's worth
11:58Well, we was out filming for Sir David Attenborough out in Africa
12:14Somewhere hot and sticky like a Tesco's bakery
12:18And let me tell you, them ovens are hot
12:22Oh, yup
12:23Yeah, anyway, we was out there
12:25David, he says, I want you two clowns to get out there and film this new species
12:30It's a new creature we ain't never filmed before
12:33And I wanted all the footage and all that stuff
12:36That's right
12:36So, I says, David, would you be so kind as to describe it for us?
12:41He says, well, it's long and grim
12:44It's got slime and tufts and maybe an horn
12:48And all manner of nonsense that you get on them animal things
12:52Oh, yeah
12:52Anyway, David, he's all lovely and cosied up in his air-conditioned hotel room
12:57With his cream buns and his crackers and his cold cuts and his cocoa
13:01Watching back-to-back MacGyver
13:03Oh, yeah
13:04And we're out there in the field
13:05So, we set it up
13:07All the cameras all set up
13:08And we promptly fall asleep
13:10Anyway, next thing I hear
13:12Is, it's Mick here
13:15He says, wake up, Kermit
13:17It's here
13:18And there it was
13:20His horrible laugh
13:21With an horn on it
13:22Anyway, I rings up
13:24I gets on a blower
13:25I says, David, you've got to get down here, front
13:28Oh, mate, it's here
13:29Next thing we know
13:30He's tearing across the plane
13:32In his Range Rover
13:34In his Land Rover
13:35His Land Rover Discovery
13:37Oh, yeah
13:38Driving like a nutter
13:40Right, according
13:41Wordy
13:42Fucking nutter
13:44Driving like a nutter
13:46Slow down, David, we say
13:48Slow down, you'll do yourself an injury
13:50Then bang
13:51He hit it
13:52There was blood and guts and slime
13:55And all men of things all over the place
13:58Oh, yeah
13:58David, what have you done?
14:02And that was Mick
14:02And he don't say much
14:04Oh, yeah
14:05He gets out of his Range Rover
14:07Land Rover
14:08Range Rover Discovery
14:09Steps out of it
14:10Clearly been at the Maloko Jungle Bar
14:13Oh, yeah
14:14He says, right, you two
14:16You say nothing
14:17And my name is shit
14:19Anyway
14:20It all turned out all right
14:23Cos we cooked it up
14:24In some of the jungle leafs
14:26With the grubs and shit and all that
14:28And it was absolutely delicious
14:30And as dawn broke
14:31All that was left
14:32Was some bones
14:34And teeth
14:35And a shirt
14:37And that, my friends
14:38Is how we lost
14:40Our director
14:41David Peacock
14:43God bless you
14:44Oh, yeah
14:45Welcome back
14:55Ladies and gentlemen
14:56And now it's time for the
14:58Kind of centrepiece of the show
14:59I'm going to be singing
15:00A beautiful
15:02Heartbreaking
15:03Ballad
15:04Is it
15:05Sources for Cups?
15:07No
15:07It's not
15:08Sources for Cups
15:09Oh, come on
15:10It's associated with
15:11Sources for Cups
15:12Right
15:12But I'm not saying
15:13Sources for Cups
15:14Because you'll say
15:15Drop the Sources
15:16And make me say
15:17Fuckups
15:18That's what you're going to do
15:21So, no
15:21I'm an anonymous
15:23Mysterious balladeer
15:24It's all good
15:25And I like the jacket
15:26You like it?
15:27What's it like?
15:27Light entertainment?
15:28No, it's more like
15:29Like Las Vegas
15:30More like the last century
15:32Sorry, what did you say?
15:34Well, I didn't say anything
15:35I'll tell you what
15:35It might be good
15:36If you buttoned it up
15:36You reckon?
15:37Yeah, that'd look cool
15:38Yeah, I like it
15:44Just casual
15:45I like it for you
15:46You know what I mean?
15:47So, come on
15:47Let's hear your song then
15:48Yeah, it's a song
15:49That came out of
15:50A rather difficult relationship
15:51I had had its ups and downs
15:52I'll tell you what
15:53It'd be good
15:54Yeah?
15:55Rather than you stood up
15:56Okay
15:57Like a balladeer
15:58No, I'm standing up
15:59Sit on a stool
16:00There's one here
16:00Look
16:01You sit on that
16:02It'll look a lot better
16:03You know
16:03Like Todd Rundgren
16:05Or like Elton John
16:06Or something
16:07Are you sure?
16:07Oh, like Elton John
16:08Haven't I?
16:08Yeah, yeah
16:09That's it
16:11Ladies and gentlemen
16:12Looking good
16:13It was a difficult relationship
16:14It's a very emotional tune
16:16You may cry
16:18And that's absolutely fine
16:20Absolutely fine to cry
16:21There are tissues in the foyer
16:23Before we start
16:25There is something
16:26That Vic
16:26Ah, yeah
16:28Vic, smoke
16:29Yeah, I know what you mean
16:30I'll get my smoke machine out
16:32He's getting the smoke machine
16:33Yeah, I'll rest
16:33There's ups and downs
16:34Here we go
16:34Right
16:35Now
16:36Here it is
16:37Now
16:39Why?
16:39This will make it look really good
16:42It's quite an old unit
16:43Would you say?
16:44Yeah
16:44Last time I used this
16:47Was pork wind
16:471972
16:48Alrighty
16:49But it still works alright
16:51Yeah, it looks like
16:52It could pump out some shite
16:53That doesn't it
16:54When you're ready
16:56I'll just turn it on
16:57Ready when you are, sir
16:58Ready to go
17:04Yeah
17:04Let's get the smoke going first
17:06Come on
17:06Here we go
17:07Smoke machine
17:07Go
17:09It's a very low
17:23Flat smoke
17:24Yeah
17:24It's hard to go
17:25Do you want to bother with the smoke machine then or not?
17:28No, I'll leave it
17:29Thank you
17:30Wait a minute
17:31I'll just pause and stop it
17:33Whenever you're ready
17:36Ladies and gentlemen
17:38Baby girl
17:41Run your fingers
17:50Through my head
17:52What's left of it?
17:54Baby girl
17:56Put your hands
17:59Round my waist
18:01That's quite a stretch
18:03Baby girl
18:06Will you help me
18:09Clean my teeth
18:10You'll find him in a cup by the bed
18:12Baby girl
18:15Let's go for a walk
18:17You can push the chair
18:19Baby girl
18:21Let's then go for a meal
18:24You can mash up the food
18:26So it's nice and soft
18:27Baby girl
18:31Whisper things
18:33In my ear
18:36The left one
18:38That's a good one
18:39And then when it's time for bed
18:42After escape to the country
18:47The climb
18:50Up the stairs
18:52You mean
18:53You can strap him into the
18:54Stannister lift
18:56Excuse me
18:59Hey
18:59No
19:00Oh
19:02Look
19:02Have you been saying things
19:03Into that camera
19:04Ever since I
19:05Yes you have
19:06I've been sitting here
19:06Looking at me hand
19:08No you haven't
19:08You've been undermining me
19:11Beautiful song
19:12I wonder why they weren't crying
19:14I'm sorry
19:16No I am not
19:17Playing with you
19:18Ever
19:19Again
19:20Well that looks like it's the end of
19:27For cups
19:28So anyway
19:30Everyone
19:31Look at me
19:32I am the best
19:33Yeah
19:33Yeah
19:34Yeah
19:34Hey
19:35I know every cup
19:37Frank Ruddham industries
19:46Introducing the Frank Ruddham audio boot
19:50It's analog so suitable for all non-digital UK residents
19:55Certainly take your cassette
19:57Insert it into the hill
19:58And fill your face with the wonderful sounds of the journey
20:01A babbling brook or a coastal village
20:04Here's my brother Richard
20:06Enjoying the sounds of Norfolk farm machinery
20:10Does it help with the anger management Richard?
20:15Yeah
20:16I guess it does
20:18And if you order by Friday
20:20I'll send you
20:22This crazy comical character
20:25Ha ha ha ha ha
20:26That's a shrug
20:29Don't delay
20:30Hold it and down
20:32Mail order only
20:34Of cups
20:34I don't know about you ladies and gentlemen
20:42But about this time of night
20:43I generally like to just spread a little bit of toothpaste
20:47On a dust buster
20:48Ha ha ha ha
20:51You're wonderful
20:54You're beautiful
20:56You're inspirational
20:58You're everything I need
21:01Every single day
21:03You're my reason for living
21:07You are bacon
21:10Ladies and gentlemen
21:21The man with the stick
21:23Sorry
21:35There he is
21:41Ladies and gentlemen
21:41The man with the stick
21:43And what do we cry when we see you
21:45A man with the stick
21:46What's on the end of the stick
21:48Pick
21:49What's on the end of the stick
21:51Are you going to reveal it
21:52No
21:53I didn't think you were
21:55Pat your stick down
21:56That's it
21:57Get it down
21:58Make sure it jumps fly away
21:59Make sure it jumps fly away
22:01Come over here
22:02Let's have a look at your helmet
22:02Wow
22:04Some of the things
22:05Yes
22:06What have you been looking at this week
22:08Let's have a look
22:08Paul Weller and the lads
22:10From the jam
22:11Boiling up some eggs
22:13Near the bus depot
22:14That's that
22:16Calvin Harris
22:18Having a dump
22:19In his pencil case
22:20Harry Redknapp
22:23Cleaning his
22:24Harry Redknapp
22:27Cleaning his balls
22:28In the sink
22:29There they are
22:32The back
22:34Let's have a look at the back
22:35Whoa
22:36That's an impressive sketch
22:38Who's that
22:41Smokey Robinson
22:42In the miracles
22:43Being hijacked
22:45In a
22:45Hillman Avenger
22:46Yeah
22:48I wonder
22:49Who was hijacking him
22:51I think it was
22:53Bloke out of
22:55Black Sabbath
22:56He's a singer
22:56I think
22:57Is he
22:57No
22:58Ozzy
22:59Hey
23:02Yeah
23:03Thank you
23:04We have a good
23:06Still have a good
23:07Repertoire
23:08We have a good
23:08Repertoire
23:09Yeah
23:09Hey did you see
23:12The nice drone
23:13On the back
23:14It's not like
23:14The normal ones
23:15Is it
23:15Yeah
23:16No I did it
23:16With me foot
23:17So are you
23:20Alright
23:20Yeah I'm alright
23:21How are you doing
23:22Then anyway
23:22Not too bad
23:23The big thing
23:23The big thing in my life
23:24Is it's like
23:25That I've got back in touch
23:26With me good mate
23:27Oh good luck Terry
23:28Good luck Terry
23:30The times we have honestly
23:31Last week we went to
23:33He said let's go to Riverbank
23:34Let's go to a riverbank
23:37Hey riverbank
23:38A riverbank
23:39And eat a nice big tin of crab meat
23:41You know I thought lovely
23:43That's typical Terry that
23:44Thinking of something like that
23:46So we get the riverbank
23:48Yeah
23:49I can't find a tin opener
23:50My responsibility
23:51Oh Mary
23:52He must have been angry
23:53So Terry's furious yeah
23:55Very well
23:55He lamps me
23:56Yeah
23:57He pulls out a load of me hair
23:58Bites me ear
23:59Gets a branch
24:00And smashes me ass
24:02And it bleeds
24:02Yeah
24:03But I can't blame him
24:04Yeah
24:04I can't blame him
24:05I should have had the tin opener
24:07Yeah
24:07I've done the same
24:08Later when I'm at hospital
24:10They give me my stuff back
24:11You know
24:12Yeah
24:12There it is
24:13The tin opener
24:14He was there all along
24:15He was there all along
24:15Well he is
24:17Hepping furious
24:18Yeah
24:18I know he was
24:19Furious
24:20Goes straight at me kidney
24:21With a claw hammer
24:22Oh
24:24Put a load of something
24:25In me eye
24:25That's stung
24:26Anyway
24:27It is lovely
24:29To see you
24:29Yeah
24:30You too
24:30And I don't want to
24:31Take off a lot of your time
24:32Oh that's it
24:33Yes it was piss
24:34Typical Terry
24:37Typical Terry
24:39But you know
24:40The laugh we have now
24:41Yeah
24:42He is a good laugh
24:43I won't remember the injuries
24:45I'll just remember the laughs
24:47All the laughs
24:49In fact
24:50I just wanted to ask you
24:51Whilst I got you
24:52Yeah
24:53Are you still
24:54Blocking up your nervous
24:55Drain pipe
24:55With those
24:56Genetically bent
24:57Savaloids
24:58I just wondered
25:01Like
25:02I just wondered
25:04You had to mention
25:05That didn't you
25:06You had to mention
25:08Me genetically bent
25:10Savaloids scam
25:11You had to mention
25:12It didn't
25:13You wouldn't let it lie
25:15You wouldn't let it lie
25:18You wouldn't let it lie
25:19You wouldn't let it lie
25:21I wouldn't let it lie
25:22I didn't even know
25:24You didn't let it lie
25:25I wouldn't let it lie
25:27You didn't let it lie
25:28Get out
25:29Here is it
25:30Take your stick
25:32And get out
25:33I wouldn't let it lie
25:35Get out
25:36Get out
25:37That's the end of the show
25:52And I do believe we've reached a satisfactory conclusion
25:55You know the wig you gave me for the award ceremony
25:59That one that you're the yes
26:01I lost it
26:02It didn't creep off
26:03I can't go like this
26:04Can I
26:05Yeah
26:05Is there any way you can help me out with a new look or anything
26:07Well try this
26:08I just try my wig out here
26:10Oh that is nice
26:11I'll tell you what
26:12That's real hair isn't it
26:13Let's give the ladies and gentlemen
26:14The boys and girls
26:15Lord Mayor
26:16Yeah
26:16A surprise
26:18I'll hide you behind a towel
26:20And then you can reveal it as you come out
26:22I would love to do that
26:23Yeah come on
26:24How exciting
26:25I just happen to have a towel here
26:27There we are
26:28Yeah
26:28You put it on
26:30Right so I
26:30And then raise up
26:32And then raise up into it
26:33Ready
26:34Yeah
26:34Go
26:35Beautiful
26:37They love it
26:39Yeah they love it
26:40They love it
26:41They like it
26:42They love it
26:43Ladies and gentlemen
26:46We're going to sing our final song
26:47Now if it's not your cup of tea
26:49Don't worry
26:49Because Vaughan's going to be over there
26:51You can look at him instead
26:52He's staring
26:53At a gammon joint
26:55Yeah
26:56Okay ladies and gentlemen
26:57Good night
26:58You can do it if you really want
27:09Hey
27:09You can do it if you really want
27:11You can do it if you really want
27:12You can do it if you really want
27:16You can do it if you really want
27:19Ride a lion over very rough ground
27:23Chop the sleds on a long haul flight
27:26Make love to a very old tiger
27:30Bum bag, bum bag
27:32One, two, three
27:33You can do it if you really want
27:36Hey
27:37You can do it if you really want
27:49You can do it if you really want
27:51You can do it if you really want
27:54Ladies and gentlemen
27:55Thank you for your attention
27:58You can do it if you really want
28:00And good night!
28:02The last big night out of 2019 is next.
28:06Fact.
28:07Good night, everybody.
28:09Go, go, go, go.
28:12Good day, y'all.
28:13Go, go.
28:17Good night!
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