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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Vic and Bob's Big Night Out.
00:20Fact.
00:20Do you remember the day that the Rolling Stones went into battle on the Sea Monsters?
00:34Sea Monsters, Sea Monsters, Sea Monsters.
00:39What did make you a machine gun?
00:44What did keep you a machine gun?
00:50Do you remember the day they went to war on the Sea Monsters?
00:56Sea Monsters, Sea Monsters, Sea Monsters.
01:01Do you remember?
01:04No.
01:05Do you remember?
01:07No.
01:08Do you remember?
01:10No.
01:11Do you remember?
01:13No.
01:13Well, we remember the terrible day and the haunting sound of the machine guns, machine guns,
01:23machine guns, machine guns, machine guns.
01:28비need.
01:29Do you remember?
01:32분들이 Marciott
01:36Do you remember?
01:37Do you remember?
01:39Do you remember?
01:40Do you remember?
01:44Do you remember
01:46a good night?
01:47Do you remember?
01:48Do you?
01:49Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
01:51I didn't think the boys and girls were very convinced, you know, by our story of the Rolling Stones and their battle on the sea monsters
02:05with the machine guns. Yeah, I mean, I'm convinced it happened. Well, I'm convinced, but was it a conspiracy? I mean, was it?
02:12A conspiracy thing? Was it a conspiracy? I mean, was it? I mean, like, JFK? Is that really an airport?
02:21Yeah, 7-Eleven. I mean, are they really fully staffed at 11 o'clock at night? Really?
02:30Your hair? My hair? Is it really there? Nobody knows. Oh, Vic, I need to tell you, there was a kidnapping at my son's school this week.
02:45No. Yeah. Really? Oh, it's okay, though. He woke up eventually.
02:51LAUGHTER
02:53LAUGHTER
02:55LAUGHTER
02:57LAUGHTER
02:59LAUGHTER
03:01LAUGHTER
03:03LAUGHTER
03:05How about that, eh?
03:07Do you know what? I felt like I was in the front row in an Oasis concert.
03:10Yeah?
03:11LAUGHTER
03:12Really? I'm not kidding, either.
03:13Hey, Bob, have you seen my stepladder?
03:16That's very nice.
03:17It is nice, isn't it, but...
03:19LAUGHTER
03:21I never knew me real ladder.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:25I never met him.
03:27I don't know where he lives. Who knows where he lives?
03:29It could be a Scottish, it could be a Bristol, it could be a... a... a Rome.
03:34LAUGHTER
03:35Sorry, I know you're upset, but...
03:36You don't care, Ian!
03:37You don't care, Ian!
03:38No, but I think you mean a Venice.
03:40It doesn't matter, Ian, you don't care.
03:42LAUGHTER
03:43Can you snap out of it, Vic?
03:44No, I can't.
03:45Can you snap out of it, Vic?
03:46I can't.
03:47SNAP out of it, Vic?
03:48LAUGHTER
03:49LAUGHTER
03:50LAUGHTER
03:52You OK?
03:54Yeah, I'm fine.
03:55Has that brought you through?
03:56It's brought me right back to standard time.
03:59LAUGHTER
04:01Oh, well, I'm pleased, guys. You were really upset then, bless him.
04:03Yeah, I was. Yeah, thank you.
04:05LAUGHTER
04:06Hey, do you like turmeric?
04:08Oh, you had to mention turmeric. I love turmeric.
04:10Oh, turmeric!
04:11Nice, isn't it?
04:12It's a must, flavoursome dust.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:15What do you like?
04:16I like the coloured dust.
04:17What do you like it on?
04:18Oh, but Vic, I wish you'd never mentioned it,
04:19cos now I want it on me spuds.
04:20Yeah, it's lovely on spuds in there. Have you got any?
04:22Yeah, I've got my pocket spuds with me, yeah.
04:24Yeah?
04:25Yeah, look.
04:26Come on, get them out.
04:27Oh, boy, I've had some turmeric, Vic.
04:28Yeah, if you had some.
04:29Do you know how it's harvested?
04:30Yeah, I think so.
04:31Yeah, and?
04:32It's wasps, innit?
04:33No.
04:34I think it is.
04:35What you're thinking is, bees make honey, wasps make turmeric.
04:40But you're wrong.
04:41Yeah.
04:42Bees make honey, wasps make mustard.
04:44Oh, right, yeah, that's it, I remember now.
04:46Yeah, they come and scrape it off the mustard bushes
04:49and fart it out into a 10p coin.
04:50Yeah.
04:51Something like that.
04:52I actually remembered that.
04:53You know.
04:54But I'll show you how they do it in the old country, sure?
04:56OK.
04:57It's simply a case of...
04:58OK.
04:59Just a minute.
05:00Oh, you're going in, are you?
05:01I understand.
05:02Oh, whoa!
05:03Quite an operation, innit?
05:04Yeah.
05:05Yes!
05:06And that's the turmeric.
05:07And that's the turmeric.
05:08Shall we tuck it?
05:09Why not?
05:10Oh
05:24Whoa, quite operation in it. Yeah. Yes, the children as the turmeric. Hey, should we talk in why not?
05:32There you go. Thank you ready ready
05:40Oh
05:49Oh
06:01And that's too
06:10Michael Portillo presents his brand-new album. I'm air horny
06:16Hi, I'm Michael Portillo
06:19Broadcaster and railway enthusiast, but my main passion is the air horn and here's a selection from my new LP
06:26I'm air horny air horny air horny
06:28The sun coming up on the east side
06:34Had a little runner with some trouble last night
06:41You still awake in my phone text me when you get on trying not to doze off. Let me know when you close off
06:50There's one thing on my mind
06:58Includes mr. Horn
07:00Horn to run
07:02Horn cops
07:04Hornography
07:06And hot bacon
07:08I'm air horny in shops now on Reeves and Mortimer records
07:19All right
07:29Bob yes your birthday, isn't it?
07:31Yes. Yes. It's my birthday right. Well, I got you a lovely present. Oh, thank you
07:37How are I?
07:39Now I know what you're thinking
07:41Yeah, they're the wrong color
07:43It's a birthday present for you. They're lovely on you. It's took care to get your size and everything
07:47Well, I'm down the allotment or maybe in me basement. It's a birthday present
07:51I see him ungrateful. I don't want blue trousers
07:53You are ungrateful. All right. Well forget it then
07:55I'll eat him with me porridge
08:01I'm four
08:04God of thunder
08:06Yeah, so what you up to around here then?
08:08I'm just doing some filming down the road. I say film and it's more like an advert for emulsion paint really
08:15Oh, yeah
08:17Anyway, what you doing here?
08:19Having a daft laugh
08:21Telling jokes
08:23Yeah, that's it
08:25Making stuff up about the news
08:27Yeah, that's kind of what we're doing
08:29Have you got microphones on?
08:31Yeah, yeah, no they're not just
08:33They're real good. Come here
08:35I hear Gary
08:37Yeah, sorry
08:38I can't come to Jenny's
08:40Christening
08:42Erm
08:43Erm
08:44Sorry about that
08:45Erm
08:46Anyway, I better go
08:47To someone at the door
08:49See you later
08:50See you later
08:51See you later
08:52See you later
08:54See you later
08:56Thanks, see ya
08:58Introducing
09:00Oh no wonder wand from infinity rocket plastics
09:05Have you ever watched birds in flight?
09:06Yeah
09:07Or perched on a tree?
09:08Yeah
09:09Have you ever longed to touch them and drain their energy?
09:10Yeah
09:11Introducing the Orno wonder wand?
09:12It's a bird touching tool
09:14The lance is made from clodite
09:16Clodite?
09:17Fuck's sake
09:18The stuff they use for pepper pots
09:19Ah yeah
09:20Yeah
09:21The longer you touch, the more energy is drained for storage in the leg
09:26the lance is made from clodite clodite fuck's sake the stuff they use for pepper pots ah yeah
09:40yeah the longer you touch the more energy is drained for storage in the leg
09:46birds in flight no problem senor castellino the wand will lock into the energy source
09:56when your legs are fully charred just watch them go
10:01the orno wonder one from infinity rocket plastics
10:08so ladies and gentlemen we've now reached a point in the show where we're going to perform with my
10:22dance collective called sources for cups it's an urban street dance very much influenced by the
10:29diversity dance group and I must say that this is entirely Bob's thing I've got nothing to do with
10:36it really it's it's a kind of an obsession with him street dance this street dance that he wakes up
10:41in the night shouting street dance 2 sometimes street dance 3d I'm jerking he shouts out sometimes
10:47sometimes I shout that as well yeah so anyway it's a kind of obsession and this piece I'm going to
10:54present tonight is um like an apocalyptic version of the future and it features the last surviving
11:00humans on earth which are a little group of street dancing kids one of these kids is going to end up
11:07being the leader of the rebel alliance now we haven't got a name give us a name um domino domino
11:14I like it you know this is domino story I'm going to be playing his father John Papa John yep and who
11:24will you be playing big uh I mean am I yeah I don't know I'll tell you what I'll be kind of an old sage a
11:30lazy old sage who sits back and watches everything unfold okay and I'll be called something mysterious
11:37like the hoot okay Pete okay so ladies and gentlemen and it's sources for cups yeah I tell you what it's
11:47a good name sources for cups but tighten it up a bit yeah forget the sauce get rid of the sauce get rid of
11:52the sauce yeah I'll say so ladies and gentlemen for cups
12:07open emergency channels
12:15only use emergency frequencies
12:18emergency emergency
12:23emergency earth alliance calling this is Domino Papa John and Pizza Hut
12:30emergency
12:32ah
12:33I see what you've done what Papa John's Pizza Hut
12:37and Domino yeah yeah you've basically made this into a pizza advert
12:41I'm sorry
12:43come and help me I'm sorry I just wanted to I was the pizzas were on my mind I wanted to get home and have a pizza
12:48and watch bad Santa too yeah you should be concentrating and put you make a little bit of a bloody effort
12:54what if I'm not making enough effort
12:56no take the smile off your face it's a serious business
12:58apocalyptic
12:58have you got a mint
13:02help me out with this site here it ain't going great
13:06right now we all the money
13:07yeah right I'm not using any of them names but what I do need to do is think of like a
13:12um a rendezvous zone you know somewhere where they all meet up
13:15where they can all meet up yeah
13:17why don't you try somewhere somewhere mysterious like in Japan
13:20in shoe
13:21in shoe thank you
13:22so they all meet there
13:23Domino's story continues
13:25okay go on
13:33rendezvous in shoe zone
13:39rendezvous in shoe zone
13:41stop it
13:45stop it
13:46stop it
13:48shoe zone
13:49yeah
13:50so now I'm making an advert for a budget shoe outlet
13:53yeah
13:55yeah
13:56yeah
13:56yeah I'll forget it right that's the end of it
13:58that's the end of Domino's story Vic
14:00honestly
14:01and do you know what actually
14:03a budget shoe outlet wouldn't have been a bad place for a rendezvous zone
14:07think around that son
14:10I will
14:10think around that
14:11I'm starting to think about it
14:12wow
14:14well there we are
14:15erm
14:16sources for cups
14:17and I must stress that this is very much
14:20Bob's idea
14:21I wish him all the best with it
14:24but you know what
14:24it is what it is
14:26thank you
14:28thank you
14:29dollars
14:30stairwells
14:32rerunning
14:33in the community rural environment
14:36our rural brothers need help too
14:40that's why we've come to a rural environment
14:42to create protest
14:43through jumping
14:44the
14:45out of the environment
14:47rural brothers
14:49check out all this capitalist debris
14:52capitalist debris
14:54capitalist debris
14:57let's clean out the guttering of the poor people's houses
15:00so that the flow is free and constant
15:03get rid of postcodes
15:05once and for all
15:07up doors the taxes
15:09car
15:10up doors the taxes
15:12see that
15:13check it out
15:14well that graffiti tires
15:15I took my mum's knickers out of her drawer
15:18and threw them on the lawn
15:20and that's going to teach her to take me off PS2 for the night
15:23time full
15:24time full
15:26time full Kate
15:27yeah so you're marching in protest against community cuts
15:30just put this on the water
15:32the fuck yeah
15:33I got my girlfriend pregnant twice
15:35in the same night
15:38double pregnancy
15:40Novelty
15:56My radio
16:04Right, let's take a trip to novelty island
16:10Okay, here we are in novelty island here's the paddock and we're going to see three
16:21Marvellous turns gonna do their spots here in the paddock tonight and the first turn we're going to see is
16:28Tubby Brewster he likes his baked beans near him at the dinner table if they're too far away from him
16:35He says he just can't reach
16:41So here he is, please give a warm welcome to chubby Brewster
16:57Chubby Brewster like and I you know, I want to come here tonight to recreate there the goal
17:03That's called the cup final against Stockton on Tees
17:06What? Hey!
17:08The Ken Toby Baxter, the wee joddy lad, the best centre forward that the Morpeth ever had
17:13And kick, head, smoke
17:16And
17:18So let's have a look at this
17:20Doby, Scalbaxter
17:22Are you gonna do your legendary strike?
17:24Aye, I'd like to do me legendary strike now
17:26Is it alright if I pop, come out there
17:29Come out there
17:31If I pop out
17:33If I pop out
17:34Come on, pop out there
17:35Can I pop, I'd like to pop out to the paddock like
17:38Alright, are you there then?
17:39Yeah, come on
17:40There you go
17:41Okay
17:43Now, I've got to be honest with you
17:45But it's Chubby Baxter bar
17:47Alright, Chubby
17:48That's right
17:49I've got to be honest with you, mate
17:50Me spatial awareness
17:51Shot to shit these days, mate
17:53Quite a boost
17:55So anyway, I can't remember the jerk pretty well, mate
17:58The cross came in from the left on the right
18:00I can't remember
18:01I think it was Mick, what I want
18:02Chubby, get to the bar
18:04And I did
18:05BANG
18:06Halt, halt, halt
18:09In the back of the neck
18:11Kick
18:12Head
18:13Snook
18:14And that's the, eh
18:16That's what happens
18:17Chubby Baxter
18:18Chubby Baxter
18:19I need that stuff for the hostel, mate
18:24Chubby Baxter, ladies and gentlemen
18:26What an act
18:28What a turn
18:29What a turn
18:30What a turn
18:31Quite a boss
18:33Act number two
18:34In the novelty island paddock
18:36Is Lazy John Apples, Berries and Banana Man
18:39Quite a mouthful
18:41Literally
18:42He sits at home all day watching Nickelodeon and eating chickpeas straight from the tin
18:47And he once got pissed in Pakistan
18:50While a boss
18:52There he is
18:54Lazy John Apples, Berries and Bananas Man
18:56APPLAUSE
18:57Hey Lazy John
18:58Hello
18:59How are you doing?
19:00I'm alright
19:01Yeah
19:02Good
19:03So what are you going to do for us tonight?
19:04I've got a cat that I fed on notebook mayonnaise for 15 years
19:10Send me sports bag
19:11Do you want to see it?
19:12Erm
19:13But I'm not that bothered
19:14I'm not really that interested
19:15I don't know if anyone else
19:16Is anyone interested?
19:17No, no one's interested
19:18I'll withdraw it from the competition then
19:19Yeah, I think it's probably wise too, yeah
19:20I'll tell you what, look
19:21I think this is your application for me
19:22Take that into reception
19:23And you should get some of your money back
19:24Anyway
19:25Good luck to you
19:26Well, I'll see you later
19:27You did this
19:28See you, John
19:29Lazy John
19:56See you, John
19:57Lazy John
19:58Oh
20:03Very sad and the final turn tonight in the novel challenge paddock ladies and gentlemen, it's Bill Decker
20:09All right, well, my name is Bill Decker and I'm a murderer
20:30That's my wife Joan
20:33What's your name?
20:35My wife Joan, she accompanies me on all my murders
20:39Yeah, so we thought she could come here tonight add a little bit of you know sex appeal
20:45She's got her um cloth on
20:53She's a good girl. She really is so what is it you're gonna do for us tonight
20:58Tonight I'm going to present a short excerpt from my new musical
21:03Murder makes me happy
21:06It's a funny old murder. Yeah, I co-wrote it with Joan, didn't I Joan?
21:15So and this particular excerpt are you be presenting I'm demonstrating methods of murder I have used
21:23Okay
21:25Okay, then music play okay
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